03x19 - Package Deal

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my God! Oh, my God.

Doug, what are you doing?
It's 5:30 in the morning.

They closed down union turnpike.

I gotta leave for work now if
I'm gonna b*at the traffic.

Just go to sleep. Go to sleep.
Shh.

Curl up like a baby bear.
There you go.

Ok, shh. Settle down.

Shh. I'm ok.

Without waking up,

do you have any idea where
my work shirt would be?

Check the floor.

I got it. I got it.
Go back to sleep.

You're dreaming.
You're dreaming.

You're rollerblading
naked with Tony Danza.

Then you're ironing his shirt.

Hey, Carrie.

Oh, hey, Lou.

What have you got there?

Ah, I finally decided to
spring for an air conditioner.

Between my dad and Doug,

that living room can get pretty ripe
in August. You know what I'm sayin'?

You need any help?

Oh, no, I... I think I can...

Actually, you're strong
for a living, right?

I got it.

Thanks. You got it?

Where do you want it?

Right there's fine. It's just
gonna go in that window.

I could put it in for you.
I'm free all day tomorrow.

Oh, no, no, no.
That's way too nice.

Please, it's no problem.

My God, you are
such a sweetheart.

And listen, if there's ever
anything I can do for you...

Can you get your husband
to stop making hulk jokes?

I don't think so. I'm sorry.

Although, there is one thing.

You know what? I
shouldn't bother you.

No, no. Come on,
come on, what is it?

Well, my wife usually does it
for me, but she's out of town.

Ok.

No, nothing like that.

It's just that I have to do a
posing at a gym opening next week,

and it's a last-minute
thing, and, uh...

And? Come on. What is it?

Would you spread tanning
cream on my body?

Attention. I.P.S.
Driver in the house.

But don't worry,
I come in peace.

Hey, I'm lookin'
for Chip Diggins?

Thanks.

Chip? Hey, man, I... I
got a package for you.

Oh. Great.

How's it feel to be
on the other side?

Hmm?

You and I, we're... we're
used to givin' packages,

but now you're gettin' one.

Uh, it feels pretty
much like you'd expect.

What, you never got a package?

Just making conversation, guy.

Doug!

Mitch! Hey, man. I haven't
seen you since I.P.S.

I know, I know.

Clean up nice.

Yeah, well, I'm in personnel now.
I gotta look my best.

What brings you by?

Oh, I just had a delivery.

Really? Out here in the boonies?

Can't believe they still
got you working zone 12.

Yeah. Why?

Well, it's just that you
were workin' zone 12

when I left 2 years ago.

You took some time off?
Were you injured?

No, no. It's a tough route, but
they only give the tough routes

to the tough
drivers, am I right?

Why? You think I should
have a better route?

I don't know. But I
tell you one thing,

if you worked here, you'd write
your own ticket, my friend.

Really?

You kidding me? With your experience,
you'd be working Kew Gardens now.

Kew Gardens? They got trees.

Anyway, just one man's opinion.

Ooh, Doug, love
to stay and chat,

but Rodriguez ain't
gonna fire himself.

Hey, it's good to see you.

Have a mug.

This is very sweet of you.

Hey, it's what neighbors do.

Don't forget my obliques.

Ok, kitten.

Hey.

So, what's for dinner?

I don't know, but whatever it is,
it's gonna have a gorgeous tan.

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

All these years at I.P.S., I'm
still delivering in zone 12.

So?

12.

12.

12!

I'm familiar with the
number, but why is it bad?

Because it's the crap zone.

It's far away, it's
full of potholes,

there's hookers on every corner.

P.S., most of them
are pretty skanky.

Honey, you've had this
same route for years.

What's the deal today?

The deal is, I ran into
an old friend of mine

who works in personnel at Fedex.

You know what he told me? If I was over
there, I could write my own ticket.

My own ticket. I never
had my own ticket!

Really? That's... that's great.

It's just not fair, you know?

I'm at I.P.S. 8 years, and they
still treat me like a pack mule.

You know, I'm at
Fedex 5 minutes,

they treat me like
a valuable person,

and they give me
a beautiful mug.

Where is it?

Handle snapped off.

Driving over a zone 12 pothole.

Doug, maybe it's time to
think about makin' a move.

What do you mean?

Goin' to work for Fedex.

No, no, no... Why not?

No, that'd be... It's
like a big deal.

I'd have to empty out my locker,

bring home my George
Foreman grill.

All right. You know what? Fine.
Do whatever you want.

Carrie?

Excuse me. I have to
go finish off Lou.

Now, come on, Carrie. I wasn't
sayin' I wanted to change jobs.

I was just blowin' off steam.

You know, I'm pretty
happy where I am.

Now you're happy. 5 seconds ago,

you were ranting about how
they treat you like an animal.

The beer's kicked in.

All right, you know what? I
don't want to get involved,

because when I do, you
just drive me crazy.

So, you drink your beer, and
I'll spread my tanning cream.

Fine.

Besides, I just don't think
I'd fit in over at Fedex.

What are you talkin' about? It's
the same exact job you do now.

Only in a blue uniform.

There you go. I can't wear blue.

You said yourself,
I'm an autumn.

All right. Maybe you don't have to
actually take the job at Fedex,

but could you at least...
Forget it.

What?

No, never mind. Forget it.

Doug, I think Carrie's sayin' that
you could use the heat from Fedex

to put the screen on I.P.S.

Thank you.

Doug, you're hot. You're in play.
Use it.

It works. I got a nice rate on the hulk
when they wanted me on the bionic woman.

Huh, huh? The bionic woman.

Hey. Hey, man.

So, the new boy seems ok, huh?

Yeah. Good-lookin' guy.

I guess.

Just seems to me, if you're
secure in your manhood,

you don't need to
look all attractive.

Zone 1. All right.

Zone 1? He's been here a
week, he gets zone 1?

It took me 4 years
to get zone 1.

I never had it!

I gotta tell you, man, I am so fed up
with the way I get treated around here.

Hey, how you doing?

Don't tell me, tell O'Boyle.

Maybe I will. Go ahead.

Oh, I'm gonna go. I'm goin'.

Ok, go.

Oh, it's on, baby.

Do it, man!

It's done.

Just give me a little push.

Oh!

Sorry.

How 'bout dinner and drinks before
you get that close, huh, chief?

Supervisor O'Boyle?

Yeah, Doug, what up?

Uh, it just happened to
come to my attention

that you assigned the
new guy to zone 1.

Yeah?

Well, it's just that
that's the best zone.

I mean, is that like a welcome
to the company kind of thing

instead of a basket or...

No. No, that's his zone.

Although, he did get
the basket, too.

Plus, I think, some coupons
for loews theaters.

I guess I just don't understand

why the new guy lucks
out with a zone

that's all light packages
for suburban housewives?

Well, look at the guy, Doug.

Come on. He's gorgeous.

Listen, I... I gotta
jump on the horn.

Somehow 100 pints of plasma wound
up at tavern on the green.

I got a very angry
maitre d' to deal with.

I'm in play.

Pardon?

Yeah. You know, I... I
didn't want to say anything,

but I got a lot of heat on me.

Lotta heat.

What... what are you saying?

You saying there's another
company interested in you?

Ah, yes, there is.

Who?

Well, I'm really not at liberty

to disclose that information.

Let's just say it ends in "x."

Gas-x?

Fedex.

Oh. Fedex. Wow.

Now, if we could, uh, come
to some kind of agreement,

you know, regarding my route,

I'd be happy to tell Fedex
to overnight their offer

to where the sun don't shine.

Puttin' the squeeze
on the ol' boss, huh?

Maybe just a touch.

You're a good worker, Doug,
and I'd hate to lose you,

so what's it gonna take
to make you happy?

Zone 1. No can do.
Anything else?

Zone 2?

2? That's right next to 1.

Then zone 3 or 4. It doesn't matter.
Anything with single digits.

Hmm, nope. Nope. No way.

Tell you what, if you can wait
a year, I can get you 13.

I'm in 12 now!

Listen, Doug. I'm tryin' to work with you.
What do you want from me?

I want the respect that I deserve.
You know?

I've been here 8 years,
and I'm a good driver.

I should have zone 1.

And if I don't get it, I'll...

You'll what?

I'll, you know...
I-I'm gonna quit.

Ok, Doug. You win.

Boy, I-I'm gonna
catch hell for this,

but here's what I'm gonna do.

From now on, zone
12 renamed zone 1

and vice versa.

That's the same zone!
That doesn't help at all!

Well, I'm all out
of ideas, Doug.

Listen, you gotta do
what you gotta do, ok?

So, good luck over
there at gas-x.

Fedex.

Hey, there, Louis.

Is this a good time for me to
put in the air conditioner?

Yeah, you bet. Come on in.

Oh, by the way, how
do you like my tan?

Hmm. I don't like it.

Really?

I love it!

No kidding.

Lou, you look fantastic.

A dark, rich, even tan in march?

God, that stuff is amazing.

The best you can buy.

God, look at me compared to you.

I look so pale and pasty.

You look fine.

No, I'm white as a sheet. I look
like I'm touring with mummenschanz.

You want me to get you
a couple bottles?

Really? Yeah, thank you.

Hey.

Hey, honey.

Hey, Lou.

Doug.

Uh, honey, could I talk to you in
the kitchen alone or something?

Oh, you don't have
to go anywhere.

You know I'm hard of hearing, and I
won't read your lips. I promise.

All right. Fine. I
lost my job today.

What?

Sorry.

You lost your job? Yeah.

What happened?

I tried to bluff O'Boyle
with the Fedex thing,

and he didn't bite. He
just let me walk out.

Well, why the hell were
you talkin' to O'Boyle?

'Cause you kept saying how
much heat I had on me,

that I was in play! I thought
you wanted me to talk to him.

Not without preparation,

some rehearsal,
some index cards.

For the love of God, I didn't
want you to just wing it!

Well, too late.
It's already wung.

Well, you know what? I mean...

So, you just go back and tell
O'Boyle it was a mistake.

You know what, you tell him that
you were dehydrated and exhausted.

Oh, better yet, tell him you mixed pills
and booze and you had a bad reaction.

You do understand
my job is driving?

All right.

Well, you know what? Maybe
this is not so bad.

I mean, they still
love you at Fedex.

Go, Fedex! Whoo!

Hey, Mitch.

Doug. Hey, you got
another delivery for us?

Yup. A 250-pound package
of Doug Heffernan.

What?

I left I.P.S.

Really? Why?

Well, let's just say they pushed
and I pushed back. Shall we talk?

Come on. Sure. Come
on in my office.

Gonna be great if I can
get a route in rego park.

That way, I could
stop home for lunch.

But, hey, not a deal-breaker.

So, why should the Fedex
company hire Doug Heffernan?

What?

What would a Doug
Heffernan bring to Fedex?

I-I'd... I'd bring myself.

And my lunch if I
don't get Rego park.

No, I think I'd, uh...

Hey, cast away. Whoa.

No, I'd bring a lot of things.

I'm a... I'm a real good,
dependable driver. You know, um...

I've got a pleasant personality.
I'm relatively hygienic.

And I've been told
I'm quite the cutup.

Cutup, uh-huh.

And where do you see
yourself in the future?

You got a 5-year plan?

5 years? Uh, yeah.

I hope to be still delivering
packages, only in a hovercraft.

Hey, package for Mr. Spacely.

You are quite the cutup.
Here's the thing, though.

We're really not
hiring at the moment.

What?

Yeah. We're a little lean
and mean right now, so...

You just told me
how great I was,

how, if I was here, I could
write my own ticket!

That was just friends talkin'.

What am I gonna say, you're the
heaviest I've ever seen you?

I quit my job!

Doug, look, tell you
what I'm gonna do.

I'll leave your
application on file.

I don't want my
application on file, man.

That's a death warrant!

Look, Mitch, I can do this job.
I want this job.

Look at this. See?
Hey, Fedex calling.

Mitchell, Mitch,
Mitch, listen to me.

I am not leavin' this
building until you hire me.

Now, we both know I'm
the man for the job.

Look in my eyes!
See the passion?

I know you're thinkin'
deep down inside,

I'm gonna roll the
dice on this kid.

Security.

Morning, baby.

What you doing?

Looking through the want ads.
Doug...

I'm looking through the want ads.
Leave me alone!

Would you just call O'Boyle?

He's dead to me.

You are just so damn stubborn.

Just... just crawl back and...
and take your crap.

I do it.

For God's sakes, my boss,
he throws his shoes at me.

I just duck and get
on with my life.

That's you, ok? I want
more out of my job, ok?

I want happiness, I want
respect, and I'm gonna get it,

even if that means slaughtering
pigs for $6 an hour.

All right. You know what, Doug?

If you wanna find a new job,

then... then I support you.

Thank you.

Honey, didn't Lou tell you to
go easy on that tanning cream?

Yeah? So?

So? How many coats is that?

One.

Ok, maybe 3.

Oh, Doug, you don't understand.

People have been tellin' me I've never
looked better. This stuff is magic!

Well, Dougie ain't got no job now,
and that magic costs $18 a bottle.

So slap on a coat of
sealant and call it a day.

Fine.

Besides, I can live without the smeared
brown handprints all over the house.

It's starting to look
like a crime scene.

I said fine.

Aha. Look at this right here.
Look. Look.

Look what I found, miss
doubting thomasina, huh.

"Metro courier service
in midtown Manhattan.

"Experienced delivery
personnel needed immediately.

Good pay. Flexible hours."

Well, looks like daddy
landed back on his feet.

Respect the signal, dude!

Doug?

Carrie?

Hey, honey.

My God! How much of that
tanning stuff are you using?

None.

None? You look like seal!

For your information,

I had lunch outside today.

Well, unless you had it
8 feet from the sun,

I'd say you got a roaring
tanning cream addiction.

Can we forget about me, please?
What are you doing?

Whose bike is this?

Metro courier's.

You're a bike messenger?

A bike courier, and I
happen to enjoy it.

Oh, come on. You can't
be enjoying this.

Yeah, well, I do.

Doug, I am begging you,

let's cut you out of those pants

and get you back
to I.P.S., please.

No. You know what? If
they can live without me,

I can live without them.

All right? Now, if
you will excuse me,

I need to figure out a way to
pedal through the midtown tunnel.

No seat!

Hey, there.

Hey, Doug. What brings you by?

I just wanted to drop
off all my uniforms.

I... I had 'em
martinized for you.

I don't know what that means,
but it cost me a buck extra.

Well, thanks.

So how's your job
there at Fedex?

Oh, actually, you know what?
I passed on 'em. Yeah.

You know what it is? Didn't
quite work into my 5-year plan.

Didn't see it happening. Went over
to Metro courier. Good outfit.

Oh. Those the guys
deliver on skates?

No, no, no, no. They, uh, they
stopped doin' that years ago

when they lost a few guys.

Huh, it's all scooters and bikes.
I'm on a bike.

It's very pleasant, actually.
Very pleasant.

You want your job
back, don't you?

Certainly do. Yes.

Now, what about this respect thing?
You still into that?

Not so much. No. No.

I think once you been
violated by a 10-speed,

your priorities kind of change.

I heard that. All right.

You can come back, Doug. See
you in the morning. Oh.

Well, thank you.
Thank you so much.

You know that thing
you said about,

you know, calling
zone 12 zone 1?

I think I... I might be willing to...
to go for that after all.

Nah. You see, Doug,
if I let you do it,

then everybody's gonna want
to rename their zone, zone 1.

You know, it's a... it's a
slippery slope, my friend.

Ok, what if you and I just call
it zone 1 when we're alone?

Alone? What are you getting at?

Aw, forget it. How about giving me a...
a welcome basket?

Doug, again with the slippery...

Well, look, man, I
been here 8 years!

You gotta give me somethin'!

Movie passes?

All right. What the hell?

All right.

Welcome back, Doug.

Well, thank you. It's
nice to be back, sir.

And good to be appreciated.

Ah, great.

Wait a sec. These... these
passes have expired.

It's cool. It's cool. It's cool.
It's cool.

No. You know what? If they can live
without me, I can live without them.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I need a way to...

One more time!

No. No, no. If they can live without
me, I can live without them.

Ok? Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to figure out a way to...

I'm laughing at...

Hey, you know what? If they
can't live without me,

then I can't live without them.