07x20 - Big Sad Eyes and an Antique Hot Dog

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mom". Aired: September 2013 to present.
"Mom" follows the life of a single mother who, after dealing with her battle with alcoholism and drug abuse, decides to restart her life in Napa Valley, California, working as a waitress and attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
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07x20 - Big Sad Eyes and an Antique Hot Dog

Post by bunniefuu »

Okay, a few more

(all groaning)

We booked three rooms
at the sober retreat,

so I took the liberty
of assigning roommates.

you're with Christy.


Tammy's with me.


Yay, I'm with Jill!
We can gab all night.

Ooh, and I brought cards.

♪ Cards and gabbing! ♪

I wonder how many people
have relapsed

on one of these weekends.

Oh, trust me,
you're gonna love it.

A weekend in nature
to focus on your sobriety.

It's transformational.

You don't have to
keep selling us.

We're all in the car, and
it's moving too fast to jump.

You could have mentioned
it's all women.

I did my roots
for nothing.

Not for nothing.
You needed it.

Ooh! You know
what I need?

That right there.

A tricked-out
Mercedes Sprinter Van

with the 5,000-pound payload

and a water cooler
strapped to its back.

The only thing I understood

in that whole sentence was

Ah, Marone,
I see that van in my dreams.

My van dreams are
more abduction-orientated.

I usually get away,
but they're still upsetting.

A van like that says
you're a serious contractor.

Don't suppose
there are any

"get your hands on some quick
cash" workshops this weekend?

No, they hold those
out near the airport.

At least I held
mine there.

Wait a minute.
If I'm sharing a room,

does that mean
I'm sharing a bathroom, too?

We're all sharing one.
It's a communal bathroom.

(truck horn blares)


So, nobody else but me needs
to use the ladies' room?

I'll go with you.

My knees have been
in my chin for three hours.


Ooh. Ah.

Oh, we're gonna switch places
after this, right?

Oh, yeah, sure.
Next time we stop.

- Yeah.
- It's not fair.

Oh. Okay, this is
that precious moment

when the hostages
are left alone.

What's the plan?

Can I not be with Marjorie
for one weekend of my life?

Ditto my mom.

That's cool.
I'm sick of you, too.

I say we put Wendy
with Marjorie.

They're both not here.

- Great. I'll take Tammy.
- Yeah. - Mm.

That leaves you and me, Bonnie,

and I know
you didn't bring cards.

I barely brought underwear.


I thought we were taking turns
sitting back here.

Well, that was
before you decided

to eat what appears
to be an antique hot dog.

You're just jealous.

You're eating mayonnaise on
a gas station wiener, honey.

Nobody's jealous.

Tammy, did you bring
your sleep mask,

you know,
for your night terrors?

Not your problem, 'cause
you're bunking with Wendy now.

- Wait. What?
- We made a couple

of small changes
to the roommate situation.

And what are they?

They're all different,
they're locked. Let it go.

Guys, they have goats.
Did you see the goats?

I'll go check us in.

Ooh, free cookies. Want one?

Mm. No, thank you.
Communal bathroom?

Nothing's going in
or out all weekend.

You know, if I had that van,
I could go outside right now

and build you
your own bathroom.

If only I had enough
for a down payment.

Where to get
a down payment?

Wendy, you want to go see
your goats again?

Hells to the yeah!

You know that's
not a real f*re.

Six people,
five hours, one car.

Let me have this.

That's why I came alone.

Hi. Rebecca.

First time here?

I actually did think
this was a real f*re, so, yes.

It's my third year, so,
I know all the tricks.

See, I say I have
a roommate coming

who then backs out
so I get a room to myself.


My friend Sheila has broken
her leg three years in a row.

Ooh. Maybe next year,
my mom can break hers.

You're here with your mom?

Wow. I'm here
because of my mom.

I'm both.

Ooh! Nice!

We have lived
very different lives.

Oh. I'd tip the bellman, but...

apparently, that's me.

Oh, okay.

Goodbye, bedding that has
touched other people.

Ooh! Welcome basket!

Is that what that is?

Looks like they started
to make one and just gave up.

Water, sunscreen,

a pear
in a little Styrofoam coat.

Hold on.

A journal.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Oh. We ditch the
others and go home?

No, this is the weekend
I start writing my book.

I've been waiting for the
perfect setting and some paper.

Haven't you been starting
that book since we met?

Hey, that's called

and it's not cool.

I'll try to stay
out of your hair,

but I may be holed up
here avoiding Tammy.


Why? You heard her.

Van, van, down payment, van.

Well, this is

a lot of hard work.

I should have packed
my housekeeper.

I think you're being
a little paranoid about Tammy.

If only.

When someone shares their dreams
loudly three feet away from me,

it means they want me
to pay for those dreams.

People have been hitting me up
for loans since the fifth grade.

No one has ever paid me back.

In fifth grade,
I was showing boys my bra strap

in exchange for their Doritos.

But your story's painful, too.

What's with all the
female ranch hands?

Ranch hands are supposed
to be dudes.

It's called a "dude ranch."
Where are the dudes?!

Marjorie replaced
the socks I packed with these.

"We might hike."

The only reason to ever hike is

if a guy says,
"You want to go hiking?"


Why am I here?

Oh, you're just
in a little slump.

You'll get out of it.

It's more than that.
I'm invisible.

No one's ever gonna be attracted
to me again.

At my funeral, people will say,

"Oh, why'd that old lawyer lady
die alone?

She was kind of cute."

At least
you're gonna be a lawyer.

Unlike me, who's just
a van-less loser.

Guess my time's up.

You're not a
van-less loser.

You just need
a... a van.

Hey, what do you think
Jill would say

if I asked her
for a loan?

It's all about
how you ask.

You have to make her
feel like it's a win-win.

And it really helps to
throw in the big sad eyes.

Wow. I'd give you anything.


(clears throat)
How's this?

Good, good.

I definitely don't feel like
you're gonna m*rder me at all.

(phone chimes)

Well, that's rude.

Okay, Tammy, don't blame me
when you get blisters.

Oh. I am so tired of having
to be scout leader.

"Oh, Marjorie,
will you be my sponsor?"

Then does anybody
listen to me? No!

(stomach gurgling)


No. Honey, I'm sorry.

Here I am venting,
and look what it's doing to you.

I'm giving you
a little anxious tummy.

I don't think it's you.

I think it's the
gas station hot dog.

Or maybe the
gas station mayonnaise.

You don't have to protect me.

I just dumped
my toxicity on you.

It's not about you!


- Oh, hey.
- Hey.

Was the drain in your
shower completely clogged?

Yeah, I basically took a bath
from my ankles down.

The joys of communal bathrooms.

Ugh. I've seen worse.

College dorm?


Just a few nights
here and there,

but you know, I dipped my toe.

How long have
you been sober?

- Coming up on seven years.
- Nice.

It's weird. Every time I say it,
I feel like I'm lying,

like I must've drank
at some point.

But nope, seven years.

I've got 12.

I should have 15,
but I went out on NyQuil...

the nighttime sniffling,
sneezing, coughing,

"so you can get high as a kite"

- That really should be on the bottle.
- Right.

Hi, Christy!



That thing's caught more
than dreams.

Oh, hey.
What's going on?

Wendy has food poisoning,
Marjorie's here now.

The hot dog?

What do you think?
It cost 59 cents.

That would've been cheap
when I was a child.

Hey, look at that.

You did your own
"Marjorie's old" joke.

Well, since Marjorie's
moved herself in,

I'm gonna go
bunk with Jill.

Don't forget
the sunset meeting in the woods!

I'll wear
the damn socks!

I did a lap around the building.

Even the cooks
in the kitchen are all women.

How can you lay
on that bedspread?

Have you never seen 20/20?

I survived a youth hostel
in American Samoa.

I think
I will prevail over bedding.

I wasn't always this prissy.

I passed out on so many
public bathroom floors,

and never even gave it
a second thought.

But when you get sober,
you realize

the world really is so icky.

Damn it!


Writing! It's hard!

I can talk.
How come I can't write?

Well, what's your story about?

I try not to discuss my work
when it's still in its infancy.

You don't have squat, do ya?

- Nope.
- (knocking)

Wendy yacked up
her wiener,

and Marjorie's bunking
in our room,

so I am officially
in play.


Yeah, yeah, I'll just...
I'll crash on the floor.

No, no. You take my bed.

Oh, no,
you don't have to do that.

Oh, it's fine.
I'll bunk with Christy.

Oh. Okay, listen, before you go,

there was something
I wanted to ask you.

Oh. No time.
Packing up.

But just, could you
look at me please?

Are you trying to hypnotize me?

Or move something
with your mind?

Jill Kendall, are you familiar
with that great feeling you get

- when you help a friend?
- Uh-huh.

Well, you have
a unique opportunity

to get that great feeling
by loaning me money for a van.

It's a win-win in some way.

I promise I'll pay you back.

I'm sorry, Tammy.

I love you,
and I want you to succeed,

but I just don't believe
in lending money to friends.

Got it.

Oh, you were trying
to do Christy eyes.



Where the hell
is this meeting?!

I told you,
we follow the arrows

along the path
until the clearing.

We haven't seen an arrow
in quite a while,

and FYI, I think
the rain washed away the path.

Why didn't we just leave
with the rest of the group?

Because the only one
in the lobby

when the group left was me.

There's an arrow!

It's pointing
straight down.

So the meeting's in hell.

Well, good,
then we're here.

Okay, we'll go to the left.

If we're wrong, we'll come back
and go to the right.

And this is how
we've ended up,

lost and cold.

And it's all Marjorie's fault.

It is Marjorie's fault.

(breath quivering)

I love you, Adam.

(soft clattering)

What was that?



I brought you some soup.

I don't want it!

Wendy, please let me take care
of you so I don't have to write.

I have food poisoning,
you moron!

Okay, I'm just gonna leave it
outside the door.

There were no crackers,
by the way.

It's okay, Wayne.
They're asleep.

My, you get right to it,
don't you?

Thick woolen socks...
but that's it.

- We will never speak of this again.
- Never.


Hi. Without a lot
of questions being asked,

is it okay if I stay with you?

You're here with your mom.
I expected you hours ago.


WENDY: I told you, I don't
want any damn food!

What kind of idiot brings food
to a person who's barfing?


Did somebody
lick your hair?

Why are you here?

'Cause I want to play cards
and gab. Let's get to it.

It's just I'd already
started visualizing myself

in that sweet van.

Look, I get it.

Jill was the fast,
convenient way to get the money,

but you don't need her.

- No, I think I do.
- No, you don't, because you've got you.

You survived prison,

you survived living
with Marjorie,

you started your own business
and made it

so successful, you need
a fancy van to put it in.

You know what you are?

You're a badass sober woman.

I guess.

And think about it.
If Jill lent you the money,

you'd have a van
and a not-so-silent partner.

- Oh, she does have opinions.
- Yeah.

Opinions are what rich people
call working.

You're right. I can do it.

Yes, you can,
because you're a...?

Badass sober woman.

I can't hear you!

I'm not gonna say it again.

Okay, but you get it.

I do. And you know what?

I'm gonna shut up now
so you can get back to writing.

Oh. (sputters)
Forget it.

- Ooh.
- I give up.

You'd think a... a-a book
about teenage zombie astronauts

would write itself,
but it does not.

You need to write
about what you know.


I suppose I could make
the astronauts middle-aged.

No, no, you need to
write about your life!

The stories you tell,
the things you've gone through,

that's your book.

You're the baddest badass
sober woman ever.

You son of a bitch.

I don't know whether
to hug you

or wing this pear
off the side of your head.

Do both!

I looked for you
at the meeting in the meadow,

but I couldn't find you.

We tried to come,
but we got lost.

My mom almost fought a goat.

My sponsor has us
on a tight schedule.

She wants us all to be up for
a sunrise meditation tomorrow,

which really is just sleeping
which I could do right here.

Well, I was gonna go
to the sunrise thing,

but if you want to sleep in,

that's cool with me.

No matter what I do, I end up
back in bed with my mother.

How 'bout some pear?

They're very good
for gut health.

You don't think I know that,

I went to frickin'
nursing school.

Again, what did we say
about lashin' out?

I just hate being sick.

It reminds me of all the times
I was hungover,

getting my stomach pumped,
feeling humiliated.

I get that.
I had my own suite at the ER.

I hated people helping me then
and I hate it now.

And let's get real,
you don't want to be here.

Sure, I do.

Please, you didn't want to here

before I got sick.

I know and I'm sorry,

but I'm here now, you're here,

there are cards...

So what do you say
we deal 'em up?

You don't want to play.

You're right.

Sometimes friends do things
they don't want to do

and then they find out
they're really glad they did.

Want to make it interesting,
play for a few bucks?

Sure, sounds fun.

Okay, Texas Hold'em,
limit with a half k*ll,

- we'll run it twice.
- Okay.

I'll talk you through it.

All right,
car's loaded up

and Mom looks like she's about
to start honkin' the horn.

Okay. Well,
I guess that's that.

What's wrong?

This weekend
was a disaster.

I got fragged
by my own troops.

I just wanted this retreat
to be special for all of you.

- (horn honking)
- And I hear you!

She will leave without us.

Great. Let's go lock this energy
in a car for five hours.

Oh, Christy.

I'll-I'll meet you
out there!

Hey, we were just leaving.

I just wanted to say again,
I'm sorry I misread the signals.

You mean me showing up
in my pajamas

at the traditional
booty call hour?

- Hard to blame you for that.
- Yeah.

Uh, to be honest,
I was very flattered.

It's been a while
since anyone's noticed me, so...

Are you kidding? I noticed you
the minute you came in.

- (horn honking)
- Oh, God, that's my mom.

I better go before
she scares the goats.

Well, safe travels.


Tammy, I've been
thinking about it,

and I'd be happy to loan
you the money for the van.

Wow, thanks.

But you know what? I decided
I'm gonna get it myself.

It might take me
a little longer,

but I'm gonna do it, 'cause
I'm a badass sober woman.

We all are.

Ooh, that truck stop
has ceviche!

A hot dog took you down but
you're gonna roll the dice

on road fish?

Well, if I get sick, I will
let you all take care of me.

Hey, any of you
have a spare journal?

I filled mine up.

Take this one. Ignore the angry
scratchings on page one.

Read them the part
you showed me.

I don't know.

Oh, I want to hear.

Okay, be gentle.
(clears throat)

"I guess my only memory before
I went into foster care

"was the dollhouse my mom
gave me on my fourth birthday.

"Of course, we couldn't afford
any furniture for the inside,

"so we made everything
out of paper.

"Little paper beds, chairs,
even a little paper rug.

"I had no idea it was gonna
take me a lifetime to get back

to a house where I felt
that safe and loved."

It's just a rough draft,
but you get the idea.

- That's so great.
- I love it.

That was beautiful.

I kissed a girl!

Couldn't let me have it,
could ya?
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