01x14 - Battle of the Bands

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGING)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

(HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Donnie! What is going on?

Oh, yeah, that's, uh,
Louis's new band.

Lou has a band?

He can barely play the radio.

-(GLASS SMASHES)
-That kid's got potential.

My Sacramento girl

-She screams, yeah
-Louis!

Guys, I'm going to pump up
the bass, okay?

REN: Are you trying
to bring down the house?

That's the idea, Ren.

It is too loud.

Artie!

Artie, chill out. Take five, okay?

Good night, Sacramento. We love you.

Guys, I have a k*ller
algebra test tomorrow.

-What are you doing?
-Hey, Ren?

I'd like you to meet
The Alan Twitty Project.

We've got Mr. Artie Ryan on the bass.

(PLAYS RIFF)

And on drums, we've got Andy Blaine.

(PLAYS RIFF)

And on lead guitar...

(PLAYS RIFF)

That'd be me. I'm Alan Twitty.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, yeah, and then,
uh, our manager...

my friend, and your little brother,
Louis Stevens.

Thank you, thank you so much.

-You're the manager?
-Yes, it's my basement.

Ah! Well, what's in this for you?

Only to fulfill the dreams
of my boys...

(VOICE ECHOING) my boys... my boys...

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Thank you.

Um, I proudly accept this award
as Band of the Year,

and I'd like to thank...

these two lovely ladies.

And there were some other
people involved, but, uh...

Um, thank you guys, too.

For what?

Uh, nothing.

Nothing, uh,
let's do another rehearsal

for our, uh, big audition, okay?

Audition? What do you mean?
Like for a gig?

Well, yeah, dude. What do you think
we're doing down here?

Just playing music and having fun
and drinking sodas?

Well... yeah.

Twitty, get real, dude.
This the music business.

I got Donnie to hook me up
with his friend Jason Bagwell

who's throwing this really
big party on Saturday

and he needs a band,
so I got him to let us try out.

Oh, we're going to rule!

Why would some high school guy
want some junior high kids

to be performing at his party?

Because we rock.

And we'll work for nothing.

For nothing.

Would somebody please hose him down?

You guys just live the fantasy, okay?

Keep it down to a sonic boom.

Yeah, thanks for your support, Ren.

Anytime, Louis.

We're going to nail
that audition, men.

Not without a lead singer.

Oh, yeah, see... I got us covered.

(SURF GUITAR TUNE PLAYS)

(BURPS)

Excuse me?

Pardon me?

Could you please keep your spiked
combat boots off Mr. Pookie?

He's very sensitive.

Hey, Ren. Uh...

please, uh, look over these lyrics

and we'll be with you
in a second, okay?

I want my house back.

Combat boots...

Okay, that's it. We eat on that counter.

Hey, Ren. We're just, uh,
practicing our handstands.

-(EXHALES)
-That's a good job.

Oh, Jason's on the, uh,
gymnastics team with me.

-REN: Oh.
-Jason, this is my sister, Ren.

Ren's a cool name.
Nice to meet you.

(CHUCKLES)

Dreaming, dreaming about you, girl

'Cause you're the only one for me

Dreaming, dreaming about you, girl

'Cause our love was meant to be

You can let go now.

Huh?

You can let go now.

Oh, um, I'm sorry.

You have a really nice,
steady, um... pulse there.

Um, so you're, uh...

you're, uh, party guy Jason, huh?

Yeah, it's gonna be a real blowout.

JASON: Maybe I'll see you there.

Well maybe you will,
'cause you never know...

'cause I might go, and yeah!
That would be really cool.

Well, I've got to roll.
So, talk to you later.

-Yeah, all right, man.
-Bye, Ren.

Ta-ta!

(GIGGLES)

(DOOR CLOSES)

"Ta-ta"?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

-What?
-Forget it, Ren.

I don't want my sister
going to a high school party.

That's not fair.

Louis gets to go,
and he is way younger than me.

No, Louis gets to go
if his band gets the gig...

and that's a big "if."

The band...

Yeah

(SINGING OFF-KEY):
Sacramento girl

She screams, yeah

(SINGS BADLY)
Follows me around at the mall

Can't stop her staring at study hall

Yeah

(WHINING):
My Sacramento girl

She screams, yeah

(BURPS)

Before I met that girl,
I had it made

Now she scores higher
than the whole arcade

Yeah

Go and set me free

Okay, uh...
let's discuss our choices.

I think they're all vomitatious.

Artie, can, can we at least
be positive, huh?

Can we enjoy the journey, please?

Dude, we're never gonna get this gig
without a lead singer, okay?

Am I too late to audition?

Don't look at her.
She'll turn us all to stone.

I just was wondering if I could
help you guys

get that job at that guy's party.

What's his name?

Jason Bagwell.

Ah... whatever.

Dude, Louis, this is perfect, man.

Ren is a great singer.

I don't care.
Only bad can come of this.

Bye-bye.

-No, no, wait! Wait!
-No, wait, wait!

Come on, Louis. Come on.

-'Cause we want you to stay.
-She's great!

-It's just Louis doesn't want you...
-She's your sister!

Okay! Fine, fine, you can audition.

Okay.

Hit it, boys.

(UP-TEMPO ROCK INTRO)

Yeah!

A Sacramento girl

She screams, "Yeah!"

Follows me around at the mall

Won't stop her staring in study hall

Yeah

My Sacramento girl...

Hey, you guys,
it sounds really good

but, the next time, maybe we could

-pick up the tempo a little bit.
-Yeah, turn it up, with the vocals...

What is this? What is this?

Pick up the tempo? What is this?

You're talking like
you're already in the band.

Dude, she is.
I mean, who was better?

That, the...

freak dancer guy.

He was good. He was good.

He was very talented,
until he had to go potty.

Louis, we don't have a sh*t without her.

Fine. You're officially in the band.

-Yes!
-But under one condition, okay?

-I'm the boss, right? Right?
-REN: Oh, absolutely.

-So, if I say, "Jump," you say...
-"How high?"

Right. I wasn't thinking...
It's a great answer, though.

The bottom line is that I'm in charge.

Absolutely.

(HARD ROCK TUNE PLAYING)

I know I shouldn't be surprised.

Ren is Ren, you know?

Uh, taking over is what she does.

(CLEARS THROAT)

But not this time, my friend.

No, not without a fight.

(KNOCKING)

LOUIS: Yeah, yeah.

Uh, what's the password?

TWITTY: You called us, man.
What's the big secret?

Right, uh, that's close enough.

LOUIS: Come in.

What's going on?

Little band council.

If you, uh, sit down,
then I'll tell you about it.

(SIGHS) Is this going to take long?

I mean, Ren gets really cranky
when we're late.

Aha, you see?
That's what I'm talking about.

Ren has taken
the whole idea of a band

and she's transformed it.

Yeah. Not to mention what
she's done with your hair, man.

You look like Sisquo.

The way I see it

is there can only be one guiding
force in a band,

and that's me.

Now, I'm... I'm tough,
but I'm fair, and you know that.

So... it's... it's, uh, voting time.

Hmm? Ren in or Ren out?

You know, this is a tough choice.

I mean, Louis is my best friend,
and he's right.

Ren can be really pushy.

But, when it comes down
to the moment of truth,

I know what I have to do.

I kind of like my hair.

Of course, my dad freaked out
when he saw it.

I'm not allowed to use
the blender for two weeks.

I guess that's kind of Ren's fault.

Ren in or Ren out?

Wha... Guys, that really wasn't
one of the choices.

Dude, I'm sorry. I mean,
Ren's singing really helped the band

and... and we're friends and all

but like you said,
it's the music business.

Right. Business.

The band has spoken.

Maybe I explained this whole
voting thing wrong.

Turkey and peanut butter.

When life deals you a hard hand,

there's nothing like a big stack
of "Gooey Gobblers."

Eww!

That is the most disgusting
combination I have ever heard of.

Yeah, is it more disgusting than me
getting thrown out of my own band?

The guys told me what happened.

You tried to get me thrown out
and then your plan backfired on you.

That may be true
but I still don't understand

why you wanted to be
in that stupid band anyways.

(KNOCKING)

-Knock, knock?
-Jason, hi.

-Louis. Came by for Donnie.
-Hey, bro.

We're going to head over to the gym

and see who can hang
longer on the rings.

Oh, I'll get him...
don't worry about it.

(SCREAMING) Donnie!

(CLEARS THROAT)

-Little brothers can be so boisterous.
-JASON: Yeah.

Do you want something to eat?

Ooh! I never say no
to a "Gooey Gobbler."

-Ren... Why don't you join me?
-Uh...

Great. (GIGGLES)

Yummy! (LAUGHS)

So...

how are your party plans coming?

They're coming together,
but it's tough.

I like things to be, you know,
exactly right.

I so admire that.

Maybe because I'm the same way.

Oh!

Uh, Donnie told me
that you can't make it.

That's too bad.

Actually, I may be with the band.

Really? You're with Louis's group?

Cool.

So, you guys ready
for the big audition?

Well, you should probably know
I'm no longer associated

with the, uh... Alan Twitty Project.

-Really?
-Mm-hm.

Why, what happened?

Well, uh... you know
the music business.

You really can't trust anybody

and sometimes that Kn*fe
in your back is from the person

who's closest to you, right, Ren?

You want something to wash
that down with, don't you?

-He doesn't want any...
-Yeah.

Are you trying to embarrass me?

-You like that Jason guy, huh?
-What?

Yeah, yeah, now it all makes sense.

Donnie wouldn't let you
go to the party

-so you had to get in my band.
-That is ridiculous.

No, it all makes sense now
but it doesn't matter

'cause you're never
gonna get to that party.

Really? And why not?

'Cause I'm coming out
with a hot new band. Mm-hmm.

Okay. Bring them on, delusion lad.

My band's going to blow
your band out of the water.

(BELL RINGS)

Louis, you don't have a band.

These little details are k*lling me.

You know, there's a new software out

that makes musicians
totally obsolete.

Like you don't have to know how to
play instruments to make music?

Louis, in a few hours

I can create a full orchestra
right on my hard drive.

Ah, get out of here.

Are you serious?

You're a genius, Tom.

(CHUCKLING)

I know.

I just wish I had social skills.

Well, uh, now we need a lead singer.

LOUIS: Tawny?

Mm. I don't sing.

I know, but you could
recite your poetry.

I can run it through
the voice processor

and totally integrate it
by pulling up

the dominant binaural matrix.

Can you dance to it?

I can raise the roof.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYS)

Oh... that's enough, Tom.

(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)

Dreaming, dreaming about you, girl

'Cause you're the only one for me

Dreamin'...

ARTIE: Ren, Ren, Ren...

Earth to Ren...

Are we rehearsing or what?

Uh, yeah, okay, yeah, I'm sorry.

Uh, listen, we have
this big audition tomorrow

and we still have
a lot of work to do.

So, in three, two, one...

(LOUD SYNTHESIZER b*at)

TAWNY: The sandals of my soul

Go flip-flop, flip-flop

The bunny in my brain
goes hip-hop, hip-hop

The rain in my skull
goes drip-drop, drip-drop

The horsey in my heart
goes clip-clop, clip-clop

Flip-flop, hip-hop,
drip-drop, clip-clop

Love...

(LAUGHING)

What is this?

This is The Louis Stevens Experience.

The only thing Louis Stevens
is going to experience is pain.

Oh, I don't know, I kind of like
their sound. It's pretty cool.

-Do you think so?
-TWITTY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait. It is not cool,
because it's spiteful.

The only reason he started a band
is so we can't play at Jason's party.

Yeah, yeah, no
I say we stop this whole fighting thing

and we take his band,
The Louis Stevens Experience,

mix it with my band,
The Alan Twitty Project,

and we'll have this whole

super-band thing going on,

you know, like, uh,
Crosby, Stills and...

-that other old guy.
-No. I'm not going to work with her.

Well, then fine...
I can't work with him.

LOUIS: Yeah.

-Let's go, guys.
-LOUIS: Bye.

Okay, Louis, look.

(SIGHS)
Twitty is right about you and Ren.

I mean, I feel like
we're all just pawns

in some kind of sick power struggle.

I agree.

Not that I'm not enjoying it.

Guys, it's just some simple,
friendly competition

between brother and sister

in which the brother
will crush the sister

like the bug she is!

(SIGHS)

Tom, hit it, hmm?

Kick it!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Louder!

Louder!

Turn it up!

Louder!

Ladies and gentlemen,

any band that wants
to play at a Jason Bagwell party

must be evaluated

on the Jason Bagwell
Band Evaluation Form.

Now, I will be judging you on:

musical ability,

delivery,

rhythm...

Who does this clown think he is?

Shh! Jason Bagwell's speaking.

emotion,

timing,

style...

smile,

hair...

skin tone...

and cuticles.

Okay.

Show me what you got.

My heart is b*ating wild and crazy

I can't speak when I look at you

My tongue gets tired

And my mind is hazy

Heyyyy

JASON: Okay.

Uh, next up,
The Louis Stevens Experience.

Thank you.

Um, I'd just like to say
what an honor it would be

to play at
a Jason Bagwell party, sir.

Stop sucking up, and play.

Hit it, boys.

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS)

The sandals of my soul
go flip-flop, flip-flop

The bunny in my brain
goes hip-hop, hip-hop...

(HISSING)

...hip-hop,
bunny in the brain...

-(BEEPING)
-What is that?

Best guess?

My hard drive's melting down.

Can you fix it?

-Yeah, I only need one thing.
-LOUIS: What's that?

A credit card.

It'll be about bucks.

Oh, no! Give me this.

-I can't lose to them, okay?
-No...

What a finish.

Okay...

(GROANS) let's get this over with.

Let's see, The Alan Twitty Project.

Mm... not up to
Jason Bagwell standards.

Dude, what's your problem?

Well, for one thing,
the playing lacked precision

and the singing, it...

What's wrong with my singing?

Look, the vocal quality is fair,
but Ren...

you're trying so hard to impress me,
it's almost pathetic.

LOUIS: Wait a second.

My sister doesn't have
to impress anybody.

And she might be a bossy,
overachieving, bathroom hog

but my sister is a great singer.

Who wants to play
at your lame party anyways?

Well, obviously not
The Louis Stevens Experience.

You got straight zeros!

And Louis,
what kind of a doofus are you?

That's-that's not a band.
That's a fire hazard.

Back up!

The only person that's allowed
to call my brother a doofus is me!

Yeah, that's right, bag boy

and if I'm a doofus,
I want to hear it from her.

You may look good on the beach

but in reality, you're just
a pompous, egotistical jerk!

I never went to the beach with you.

And you never will!

I'm out of here.

You know, I can't believe
I almost had a crush on that guy. (SCOFFS)

Almost?

Hey, you know you guys can
battle this whole thing out

but, uh, I'm packing it up.

Listen, if this whole
band thing's over,

I'm going back to my first love,
figure skating.

Guys, wait, wait, wait.

If you guys are still up
for that super-band thing,

I think I can get us a gig.

Hello!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen
let me have your attention.

Can you stay off the towers
back there, please.

Off the towers!

Um, I'd like to introduce...

The Twitty-Stevens Connection!

(APPLAUSE)

(ROCK INTRO PLAYS)

Stop, don't go

There's something you've got to know

Can't you see
the hold you have on me

That look, your smile

Oh, it drives me wild

And I don't know how to escape it

When you walk into the room

My heart's b*ating wild and crazy

I can't speak when I look at you

My tongue gets tired,
and my mind is hazy...

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)