01x19 - Strictly Ballroom

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

Okay, Louis, we're almost at the top.

-You going to be okay?
-Yeah, I'll be fine.

Well, if you're not scared,

then why did you bring me
on this dumb ride, huh?

-So I could do this.
-What are you...

Oh, no, no. no. Stop that.
That is so not funny.

Why am I laughing, then?

(RUMBLING)

Oh, great. See what you did?
We're stuck.

We're not stuck.

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
sorry to inform you

but you're stuck.

Remain calm.
A repair crew

is on its way after they finish
with the Tilt-A-Whirl.

Great. How long are
we going to be up here?

Relax. Enjoy the view, Ren.

We got cotton candy, we got soda...

We got soda.

Why do I always fall
for your dumb jokes?

I was supposed to accidentally
bump into Bobby Deaver...

in six minutes.

Ren, Ren, chill out.
I'll see him at school.

I'll straighten everything out
for you, okay?

No. Don't you talk
to him at school.

Don't you go near him.

If he's just walking down the hall,

you just shove yourself
into the nearest locker.

I'm getting the feeling
you don't want me around.

It's more than just a feeling.

Junior high was great
until you got there.

Now it's a nightmare.

Oh, yeah? Well, being your brother
is about as much fun

as sucking spaghetti
through your nose.

Sure, you can do it, but when
that meatball gets lodged...

The point is,

you and Donnie have made junior high
a nightmare for me since day one.

COACH TUGNUT:
Donnie Stevens was more

than just the best athlete
this school has ever produced.

Donnie Stevens...

was a man.

(CHUCKLING)

Something funny back there?

No. Nothing. Sorry.

So even though Donnie Stevens
has moved on to high school,

he's still an inspiration to me

and should be
to all of you boys.

In fact, I can say

that I love Donnie Stevens
and what he represents.

Can you believe this?

What's the problem?

Nothing. Sorry. Go on.

Donnie Stevens ran,

Donnie Stevens threw

Donnie Stevens tackled, and...

Donnie Stevens
wet his bed until he was nine.

What is with you?

Son, you're not fit
to clean the mud

off of
Donnie Stevens' cleats!

FYI, I clean the mud
off his cleats.

He's my brother.

(CHUCKLING)
Oh... really?

You're Donnie Stevens' brother?
(CHUCKLES)

I would have guessed
you were his sister.

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

So, boo-hoo, you had
a tough first day at school.

I can't believe you're
still crying about it.

What? I'm only crying

'cause I'm stuck in this tin bucket
with you.

Who ordered a pizza?

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Sorry. Just trying
to lighten up the moment.

Who are you?

Irene Roman, Carnival Repair.

I'll have you out of here
in no time.

Do we have to tip you?

I'm in no mood for razzing, boy.

I just ate a funnel cake
that ain't sitting right.

Just ignore him.
That's what I try and do.

This whole thing is his fault.

Oh, I doubt it.

Unless he did the wire job
that shorted out the genny.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
You see? You see?

A professional talking.

She blames me for everything.

Keep me out of it.

First rule of Carny repair:
don't get emotionally involved.

When are you going to stop throwing
that first week of school in my face?

When I stop throwing up
just thinking about it.

Don't forget I was the one who was
running for Student Policy Monitor.

Guys? Guys, can I have your
attention just for a minute?

I just need to talk to you
for just a minute, please.

Thank you.

Having had the weekend
to consider your offer,

I'm happy to say,

I proudly accept your nomination.

(CHEERING
AND APPLAUSE)

Thanks, Ren.

It's about time
somebody unseated Larry Beale.

That's not
going to happen.

Well, I believe
that this election

is more important than
a popularity contest.

-Very nicely put.
-Thanks, Larry.

Let's stick to the issues
this year, shall we?

Oh, definitely.
Issue number one:

keep the class mutant
off the flagpole.

I'm sorry.
Could you enlighten us?

Your little brother...
dude's up on the flagpole.

Look at that.
Look at that.

-(LAUGHTER)
-He's insane.

(CLASS LAUGHING)

LOUIS: This morning
I had a great breakfast.

Then I went outside

and sh*t an elephant
in my pajamas.

How he got in my pajamas,
I'll never know. (CHUCKLES)

Give me a rock.

I'll get him down here
in two seconds.

I'm Louis Stevens,
one of the famous Stevens.

My sister is Ren Stevens

and she's in eighth grade
here at Lawrence.

Louis, what
are you doing?!

There she is now!

Remember...

Everyone move!
Out of his way! Out of the man's way!

What's going on here?

I'll have my people
look into it, sir.

Larry, please.
Millie, get everyone back to class.

Mr. Wexler,
this... is my brother.

(REN CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

I'm sorry about this.
And on behalf of my family,

I want to pre-apologize for
anything else he may do this year.

(SCREAMS)

Son, don't try and move.

Are you okay?

So, you are a Stevens, huh?

Yes, sir.

And today you woke up

and decided, "I'm going
to climb that flagpole."

No. I had a routine planned
for the cafeteria.

The flagpole was more
of an ad-lib.

I see.
So why did you do it, then?

I don't know.

Come on. I'm the principal,
you're the kid.

That's how this
relationship works.

So, why did you do it?

I guess I just wanted everybody
to know who I am.

Oh, so you want to meet people?

We have clubs,
organizations, athletics...

No, no, no, no.

See, it's not like that.

Everybody at this school
knows me

as Ren Stevens' kid brother

because of all
the great things she's done.

Imbroglio.

I-M-B-R-O-silent G-L-I-O.

Imbroglio.

Some, like Coach Tugnut,

know me as Donnie's little brother.

(CROWD CHEERING)

My mom is State Senator,

Elaine Stevens.

If fighting for social security
makes me old-fashioned,

then so be it.

I will fight for social security

and I will be old-fashioned.

(CHEERING)

My dad's a lawyer at Wyndham,
Wyndham and Stevens.

Through hard work
and superior genetics,

everybody in my family

has found something
to be good at.

-I'm just not Stevens material.
-Oh, you must be good at something.

I'm not the fastest,
and I'm not the smartest.

I guess I'm just
sort of a regular kid.

So, am I in trouble?

No, but listen...

we may not know
what you're good at yet

but we'll find something, okay?

Good luck.

In the meantime,

help me out
by staying off the flagpole.

(ANNOUNCEMENT OVER LOUDSPEAKER)

Coach Tugnut
to the office for a phone call.

Coach Tugnut to the office.

Ren Stevens
to the office for a brain scan.

Ren Stevens to the office...

Ignore that.
Ignore that.

LOUIS: You hear that?

I fall off a flagpole

and she's worried
about her stupid election.

-(ELECTRICITY ZAPPING)
-Oh!

(SCREAMS) I'm out of here.

-I can't deal with this anymore.
-Hold on, scaredy-pants.

Just let him go.

IRENE: Sorry about that.

-I got distracted by your story.
-(GROANS)

See, I know
all about little brothers.

Had one myself. Marty.

I don't miss him.

Yeah, isn't it the worst?

Worse than the worst.

Marty was an obnoxious,
annoying little worm.

Climbed a few flagpoles
in his day, too.

I don't know why he did that.

Yeah. Louis,
what were you thinking?

Well, right before
I was about to hit the ground

I was thinking, "There must
be better ways to make friends."

Hey.

I like your look.

It's very, uh...

uh... black.

An explanation of my fashion choices
would be wasted on you

since I'm sure
your mommy still

picks out your clothes.

My mother is dead.

Oh, my gosh. I am so sorry.

(CHUCKLES) I'm just kidding.

Actually...

she does buy my clothes.

Unfortunately,
she's blind.

Let me guess... just kidding?

Bingo.

Do I have food on my face?

Is that supposed to be funny?

-No.
-LARRY BEALE: Yo, Stevens!

What's his first name?

Uh... sorry.
Popularity calls.

But you should know...

The meaner you are to me,

the more I like you.

Scary, isn't it?

Get ready.

Dude, I have to
ask you a question.

How do you like the...

What is that? Squash?

As, uh... Policy Monitor,

I need to know.

Oh, this?

It's really bad.

Just the smell alone
makes you want to throw up.

(GUYS LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

Thanks for
your honesty.

This weekend,
Ivan and I are planning

to go put on our lederhosen

and hang out at
the South Creek Mall.

You want to
come with us?

Lederhosen?

Aren't those,
like, leather pants?

Shorts.

You're kidding, right?

Why on earth
would I do that?

LARRY: You're sure, now?

What do I look like? An idiot?

I'd walk around
South Creek Mall naked

before I'd do that.

Okay, then. Bye.

But if you guys want
to go to the laser tag place,

catch a bite, you know...

Hey, hey.
Seriously, take off.

Boys, we have one hour
to edit this tape.

Let's do it.

What were you thinking?
You can't trust Larry Beale.

I was young and impressionable.

-It gets worse, believe me.
-Worse?

-(CAWING)
-Oh, no, Tweety Bird!

You're not getting this!

TEEN: Hey, lady, when are we
getting off this thing?!

Stick a tamale in it!

We're in the middle
of a story here!

What happened next,
sweetheart?

Okay, so we're in the middle of
our video presentations, and...

Ren Stevens says yes
to nutritious lunches because

she believes a healthy student
is a happy student.

(CHUCKLES)

So, this Friday, vote Ren Stevens

because it's the right thing to do.

Policy Monitor is a job
that I've been

groomed for.

You know who I am,
Larry Beale.

So, I ask you,

who's Ren Stevens?

That's what I wanted to know,
so I asked the person

who would know Ren best,
her own brother Louis Stevens.

You live in the very same house
as Ren.

Can you tell us what it's like?

It's really bad.

Just the smell alone
makes you want to throw up.

(CLASS LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

So, are you going
to vote for her?

You're kidding, right?

Why on earth would I do that?

You feel that strongly?

What do I look like? An idiot?

I'd walk around
South Creek Mall naked

before I'd do that.

(KIDS LAUGHING)

IRENE: So, there I am,

blowing my heart out,
and I realize

Marty put soap bubbles
in my tuba.

Well, needless to say, that was
the end of marching band for me.

This is amazing.

It's like we've lived
the same life.

You know, this is great
to see that you two are bonding

but aren't you supposed
to be fixing something

like... like the,
uh... the Ferris wheel?!

-Don't rush me, Marty.
-I'm not Marty.

Yeah, from what I hear,
you're just as bad.

What, you don't think
I feel bad

about messing up Ren's
video presentation?

-REN: No.
-IRENE: No.

Well, I did.

REN: It was Sir Francis Bacon
who said that knowledge is power

and if that's true,
than we students

are losing more and more
of our power every day.

Lou, you doing okay?

I'm concerned for you.

Who, me? I'm fine.

Well, I just noticed
that you don't seem

to be liking school that much.

-Uh-huh.
-See, I was thinking

that maybe you should start
your day the way that I do.

How's that?

I make a shake.

It's a mixture of bee pollen,
protein powder and feta cheese.

REN: ...losing more and more
of our power every day.

You know, that sounds
really interesting, Donnie,

but, uh, I got a bit
of a situation here.

Can we talk about your shake
and your feta cheese tomorrow?

Hey, no problem, little bro.

(DONNIE WHISTLING)

REN: So, sit back and relax,

because for the next two hours,

I want to outline my plan
to improve our learning experience.

Two hours? Oi.

REN: As you see here,
the red shaded area

represents the number...

Yes?

Listen, Ren, it's me.
I had a couple ideas for your speech.

No, thank you.

My speech is just fine
without all your precious help.

Okay, sometimes
facts and figures can be boring.

Are you out there eavesdropping?

No. I'm helping Donnie

-with his... face.
-Good night.

(KNOCKING)

Ren?

Beale's a dirty player.
You have to nail him.

Good night.

REN: If you'll turn your attention
to the chart,

this red area represents...

The number of kids
that have fallen asleep

since this speech began.

REN: Louis!

I'd like to talk about
the cafeteria food

and the ill effects
of poor nutrition.

(LOUIS SIGHS)

Louis, I don't get it.

Wrench.

Your sister wanted
to k*ll you

and you still wanted
to help her.

Pliers.

Why would you suddenly care?

Well... because of what happened
at dinner that night.

This morning,

my wife said, "Honey, can I go
to a place I haven't been?"

So, I said,
"Why don't you try the kitchen."

EILEEN: Okay.

Would anyone else like
to share part of their day?

-Benched today.
-EILEEN: Oh, honey, that's wonderful.

STEVE:
Hey, good news, son.

We're all very proud.

Reread the chapter on goal setting.

EILEEN: Ren? How did your
video presentation go?

LOUIS: Goal setting...

I haven't read that far.

I'm still on the table of contents.
It's good, though.

Okay.

Did something happen today
we should know about?

No. (LAUGHING)

No. Everything's just fine.

But I'm really going
to have to nail my speech tomorrow

if I'm going to win this thing.

May I be excused?

So, you didn't squeal, huh?

Well, he's still my brother.

Yeah, I guess Marty's
still my brother.

Although I haven't
spoken to him in years.

Wow, that must really hurt.

This is really touching
but I got to get down now,

because we've been up here

for, what, two hours?

Two hours now,
and I've drank sodas.

You do the math.

He's got a tiny t*nk.

No problem. It's all fixed.
All I got to do is turn on the juice.

Then crank it up.

Not until I hear
the end of the story.

Tell her, Marty,
so we can get down.

So, I wasn't sure
who to ask for help.

Hey, Wednesday Addams.
How's it going?

My name is Tawny, okay?

Pleasure to meet you. I am...

Yeah, I know who you are.
Everyone knows.

Really?

Yeah.

You're Ren's kid brother.

Oh.

Listen, I know.
We barely know each other

but my mom and I were
talking about you

a few nights ago.

She says that you like me.

Yeah, right.

Well, I know, I told her
how you gave me mean looks

and how you try to
avoid me, and she said

that's just what girls do
sometimes.

So, Mom was wrong, huh?

Very.

Okay, so I'm a dork.
That's okay.

Look, my sister's
in way over her head

and I just, you know,

wanted to know if
you would help me.

As a friend.

(CHEERING)

LARRY: I was, uh...

Policy Monitor last year,

so I know
what you guys want.

On the other hand, Ren Stevens
is very inexperienced.

Knowing her, she's going
to get up here,

and bore you with some facts
about nutrition.

Whatever.

So, I ask you this question:

Who would you rather
get stuck in an elevator with?

Larry Beale?

Or Ren Stevens?

Uh, you're
the teleprompter guy, right?

Uh, yeah.

I'm president
of the AV Club

and head of Mr. Beale's
PR Department.

Oh. You're kind
of cute, for an AV dude.

Yeah, I know.

I'm the only one fully trained
on this teleprompter.

Oh.

TOM GRIBALSKI: This right here
is the Sosna XL- .

Dual-port feeding system

and a sweet little
speed-tracking linkage.

Really? Huh.

Yeah, I just love technology.

Well, it's the XL- .

There's a lot to love.

You bet.

Hey, let me know
if I can set up your VCR... whatever.

Okay.

(CHEERING)

How did you know
about my speech?

Yo. I went to math camp
with the AV guy.

He let me read it.

WEXLER: That was Larry Beale.

Okay, and without further ado,
Mr. Beale's opponent,

Ren Stevens.

(APPLAUSE)

(NERVOUS LAUGHING)

Thank you. Thank you.

(NERVOUS LAUGHING)

It was Sir Francis Bacon
who said that knowledge

is the ultimate power

but Bacon never
experienced the power

of Larry Beale's body odor.

(LAUGHTER)

Keep reading.

(NERVOUS LAUGHING)

It-- it's true.

In fact, last week a realtor

told Larry's parents
that his B.O. was so bad

it was affecting the resale value
of their house.

(LAUGHTER)

But it's really not my style
to personally att*ck my opponent,

so, if you'll turn
your attention

to the easel at my right,
I'd like to talk

about the cafeteria food,
and the ill effects

of poor nutrition.

(LAUGHING)

Larry Beale's G.P.A.
has been dropping

well, since the third grade.

(LAUGHING)

Question: Do I want

an irresponsible Student
Policy Monitor?

(CHEERING)

I didn't think so.

(SNIFFLING)
That was a beautiful story.

Yeah, whatever.
It was nice meeting you.

It makes me feel
like calling Marty.

Reach out.

Seventeen years is too long.

Don't let another second
pass you by.

Yeah, you're right.

Marty!

Wait a second.
Your brother's down there?

Yeah, he runs the petting zoo.

You guys have been working
side-by-side for years

and never said two words
to each other?

Hey, I don't comment
on your freaky life.

MARTY:
Sorry about the tuba, Irene!

I forgive you, Marty!

I'm coming down.

-No, no, no, wait. Turn on the juice.
-Turn on the juice!

-Turn on the juice!
-Turn it on!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)