03x20 - C.J.'s Real Dad

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, commoners.

Look at you.

You don't normally
wear a suit

unless you're appearing
before a judge.

That's his other suit.

No, our C.J.
has an interview

for a full-time
teaching job.

The position opened up
when Mr. Webber got caught

in the teachers' lounge
with the lunch lady.

Mrs. Krasnik?

Yeah, once
you get past the hairnet

and the catsup stains,
there's something there.

Well, the school board
wouldn't be meeting with you

if you hadn't impressed them.

And I never thought
I'd be saying this,

but, uh...
I'm proud of you, C.J.

Don't --

don't you make me cry.

Oh, I'm gonna get all puffy
for my interview!

Is he okay?

Oh, yeah,
just preinterview jitters.

Oh, boy, I hope
he gets that job.

He just loves teaching.

It's actually
been great for him.

You know,
he's got his act together.

And I've been thinking --
I want to give him this car.

Oh, my god, dad,
he's desperate for a car.

He'll love that.

You all right
with that, Rory?

Well, it seems only fair,

given how much hard work
C.J. put into fixing it up.

Oh, wait, that was me.

Come on, Rory, can't you just
do something nice for C.J.?

He's always doing
nice things for you.

Here, hold this
till I get back.

Well, I better go.

Want tbe late
for my big interview.

Look at you,
Mr. Responsible.

Let's face it, catey.

Our little C.J.
is all grown up.

See you later.

This is so unfair, Bridget!
I know you can hear me!

Lord knows
the rest of us can.

What's going on?

Oh, just the latest episode

of "kerry's life sucks,
but Bridget's is great."

Sounds like a rerun.

She's just mad I won this mp
player on a radio contest.

You weren't even trying
to call the radio station.

She dials the wrong number
and wins!

Meanwhile, I have been saving
for months for an mp player.

Why does everything good
happen to her?

Not everything good --
I got you as a sister.

Hey, when did
that call come in?

Why doesn't anybody
check the messages?

When that thing
rings anymore,

it's never
anything important --

you know,
someone selling insurance

or someone calling
for kerry...

Lyle: Hello, this message
is for C.J. Barnes.

C.J., you don't know me,
but I'm your father --

your biological father.

...or C.J.'s
biological father.

- This is unbelievable.
- Play that again.

C.J., you don't know me,
but I'm your father --

your biological father.

I know this is a shock, but
I'm gonna be in the area today

and I thought maybe we could
finally meet each other.

I hope that's okay.
I'll come by about : .

I didn't know C.J.
had a biological father.

What, you thought
he just, like, hatched?

I mean a father different
from the one that raised him.

Well, it's something he doesn't
really talk about much.

And why should he?

The jerk had
a one-night stand

with your sister,
my daughter.

And then he finds out
she's pregnant, blows town,

never to be heard from again.

Until now.

Oh, my god.

The music
just got real dramatic

when you said that.

So how bad
did you mess up his face?

I never met the weasel.

But if he thinks he's gonna
waltz back into C.J.'s life,

I've got a government-issued .
that says different.

Dad, don't you think
that's C.J.'s decision?

Why?
He doesn't have a . .

Weren't you supposed to
give yours back after the w*r?

Shush!

Didn't he say
that he was coming at : ?

That's in minutes.

Oh, my god.
I don't know what to do.

Wait a second.

Shh, shh.

What?

Um, C.J...
You better sit down.

Oh, I knew it.

The school called.
I didn't get the job.

I didn't get the job.
You don't understand.

I got the job?

Oh, for god's sakes,
just tell him.

It's not something
that you just blurt out...

...Unless you
absolutely have to.

Uh, C.J.,
your biological father called,

and he wants to meet you.

In fact,
that's him right now.

Uh-huh.

Are you okay?

Why, what should I be?

Shocked?

I always knew this moment
would come someday.

Curious? A little.

I tell you one thing --

I feel nothing more
for the man

on the other side
of this door

than I would any stranger
I met for the first time.

C.J. Barnes?

Daddy!

Deep down,
you've always been my idol.

Could you please
sign line , sir?

Oh, sign? Oh.

Oh, hi.
Yes, sure.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Heh, heh, well,
at was embarrassing.

Why? How could you have possibly
known he wasn't your dad?

No, it's just these tapes

were supposed to come
in a plain brown wrapper.

I guess i'm, uh,
a little more emotional

about seeing my father
than I thought.

Well, that's totally
understandable.

I'm setting myself up
to get hurt.

I just got to hope
for the best

and, you know,
steel myself for the worst.

All right, well...
Ready for anything.

Rory?

One of your playmates
is here to see you.

C.J.?

Yeah.

It's me.
I'm your father.

Rory, one of your playmates
had sex with my mom.

Can I get anyone a drink?
I'd love a glass of water.

I'll get it for you.
I'll help you carry it.

I'm sorry, but my girls
are just the tiniest --

the smallest --
they're nervous.

It's okay.

I don't want anyone
to feel uncomfortable.

Let's just get this
out in the open.

Really?
You're not sensitive about --

please, I get comments all
the time, as you can imagine.

Then you're okay with it?

Oh, yeah,
you get used to it.

If you could have seen
the looks on your faces,

especially you, C.J.

When you found out that your
biological father was a...

Yeah, that you're a,
uh -- ...Celebrity.

A-a -- what was that, now?

Lyle overby,
motivational speaker.

The late-night infomercials?

My book, "life is looking up"?

Wait a minute.

If you didn't know
I was famous,

then what did you think
I was talking about?

Gotcha!

Come on, people -- I'm short.
It's okay.

Heck, I parachute out of bed
in the morning.

My gravy boat doubles
as a lap pool.

I put myself
through college

posing on wedding cakes.

You can bungee-jump
off a curb.

Hey!

It's funny when I say it...

Not cool when you say it.

Gotcha!

Oh, you people are easy.

P.s., kid -- you're no
giant sequoia yourself.

Ha, ha, ha.

Listen, uh, that's enough.

I got to say
something here.

You come in here
telling jokes,

after you've been gone
my whole life?

I mean,
give me one good reason

why I shouldn't
tell you to leave right now.

Look...

I don't blame you
for being upset with me

after what I did.

But I swore if I ever
amounted to something,

I would come and find you.

And through the power
of positive thinking,

I've achieved every goal
I ever set for myself...

Except earning
your respect, C.J.

Won't you give me a chance
to do that?

I think you better go.

Okay.

Gotcha!

Wow, dad,
the car looks great.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna
give it to C.J. today.

Maybe he can use it
to run over Lyle.

Now, dad, if C.J.'s
gonna give him a chance,

maybe we should, too.

Ah, there's just something
about that character.

I don't trust him
as far as I can throw him,

which, by the way,
is pretty far.

Now, look, I know
you don't like him,

but you shouldn't
make jokes like that.

Be the bigger person.

Leave it alone.

There's just something
about him.

Why did
he show up now, anyway?

Looking good.

Yeah, yeah, not too bad
for an old junker

that some people said
ought to be in a scrap heap.

So, what are you
and Lyle doing today?

Dad...

Listen, I know you don't approve
of me hanging out with Lyle.

Hey, hey, don't worry
about what I think.

I just want
you to be happy, C.J.

As a matter of fact,
I've got something for you.

Ooh.
Yeah, close your eyes.

Oh, this isn't like the time

you put your teeth
in my hand, is it?

No, you're always talking

about needing
a better way to get around.

Well, you know,
I thought that --

Oh, my god, look at Lyle,
what he's driving!

Whoo!

You like sports cars, C.J.?

Are you kidding?

Cars are like women --
I like them fast and a*t*matic.

And I know I'm in trouble

if I reach down
and there's a stick.

You want
to drive this baby?

No way,
is this a "gotcha"?

Whoa!

Yeah, see you, aunt Cate!
See you, grampy!

Ha, ha!

Get in!

Whoa! See you!

Ow!

Mom, make her stop,
please!

Kerry, is this about

that music player
that Bridget won?

'Cause I'm getting
a little tired

of hearing how unfair
your life is.

Oh, my life is not unfair.
It's amazing!

Are you baked?

Empty out your backpack
on the counter right now.

Yes, I'm high.

I am high on the power
of positive thinking.

I just started reading Lyle's
autobiography, "short happens."

Oh, boy.

And for the first time
in my life,

I feel good about myself.

She's delusional!

I have so much
going for me.

I am pretty. I am smart.
I've got beautiful hair.

A complete break
with reality.

Hey, guys,
how was your day?

Oh, it was your typical
father-son outing --

played some ball,
hit on some chicks,

ran from the cops,
played some more ball.

Whas-u-u-u-up?

School board?
Yeah, this is, uh, C.J.

Um, Lyle?

You know,
I just wanted to say

that your autobiography
has really changed my life.

That means so much to me.

If that book can help
just one person,

I consider it a success.

It's gonna
do more than that.

I'm gonna lend it
to all my friends.

Whoa, what are you,
the library?

Let them buy
their own copies.

Well?

I got the job.
I'm a full-time teacher now.

Oh, that's terrific!
I knew you could do it.

Lyle: Let's think
about this for a second.

You're better than that.

You know what they say --
"those who can't do, teach.

And those who can't teach,
teach high school."

What about
those who can't reach?

That was a sh*t at me,
wasn't it?

Yeah,
and I've heard enough.

Dad...
No, no.

C.J. worked hard
to get that job.

I'm not gonna let this huckster
talk him out of it.

Yeah, C.J., you could do
a lot worse than teaching.

You could do
a lot better, too.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

We could write a book!
We could write it together --

"how to connect
with your long-lost child."

Oh, for crying out loud.

It'll be my next best seller --
you and me!

It sounds like it would take you
away from your new job.

Yeah, and I kind of
like teaching --

you know,
connecting with the kids?

You want to connect with kids?
How about a million kids?

I'm going
on this talk show tomorrow.

You can come on with me,
and we'll announce it.

Wait, on TV?

Yeah!

There wouldn't be
any money

in this for you,
would there?

No, I do all this for free.

So what if we make
a couple of bucks?

What's the harm?

Look, I'm not
all about the money,

but how much we talking?

I'll tell you
what the harm is --

C.J.'s gonna throw away a chance
for a good teaching job

and go off chasing
a pot of gold with you.

Was that a leprechaun cr*ck?

You can't say anything
around this guy!

Let's let C.J. decide.
Huh?

-star hotels...

Elaborate dinners...

First-class travel...

C.J., I've always tried
to steer you right.

Now, if you take
this teaching job,

you've got something
that money can't buy.

You'll have a sense
of accomplishment,

of dignity, of purpose.

Grandpa, you're gonna
be proud of me.

I'm gonna be on TV!

All right!
Whoo!

Oh, good, maybe they' say.
"I got you, babe."

You know what's awesome?

Being a middle child.

Here we go.

I mean, it means I have love
all around me.

You know what else is awesome?
Love.

Okay, just stop it,
all right?

What? You know exactly
what I'm talking about!

Stop being
so freaking cheerful!

It's driving me crazy!

What will it take
to make you stop?

Did you want this?
Here, fine, it's yours.

And that, people, is the power
of positive thinking.

Thank you.

Wow, this is great, dad --

the limo, the green room,

and all the cheese
you can eat...

And some in my pockets.

Well, get used to it,

because it's nothing but
first class from here on out.

Nice.

Here we go.

Okay, listen, we want
to make our reunion story

as heartwarming as possible.

So we might want to play

a little fast and loose
with the facts.

Are you okay with that?

Are you kidding me?

I get to ride in a limo,
wear makeup, and lie.

I feel like the president.

Let's go.

And we're back.

Please welcome
motivational speaker Lyle overby

and his son, C.J. Barnes.

Oh, look at that!

Welcome. Good morning. Morning.

Good morning.
Hello.

Yes. Hi. Cheese?

Uh, no, thank you.

Okay.

Uh, well, it's quite
a remarkable story

you have to tell, Lyle.

That's right, Tracy.

C.J. here
is my biological son.

And after years apart,
we're reunited.

And it feels so good.

First of all,

let's get the obvious issue
out of the way.

You two must get
a lot of comments

when you go out together.

Ah, yes, about my hair.

He gets his blond hair
from his mom.

No, I mean...

Well, you know --

gotcha! Gotcha!

Nice.

I understand
you're writing a book

about finding each other.

Lyle, what was it
that struck you

about meeting C.J.
for the first time?

Frankly, he was
kind of floundering.

Oh, you're being kind.

I was living
in the back of a car.

The reason he was
in such dire straits

is because he never had a good,
positive male role model.

Fortunately,
now that I'm around --

well,
there's my grandfather.

God rest his soul.

He's still alive.

Well, technically.

He doesn't really
recognize C.J.

I'm willing to play it
fast and loose, but...

Fast and loose?

It'll all be in the book.

We don't want
to give everything away.

But I'd like to hear more
about this grandfather.

Big drinker, very abusive --
C.J. forgave him.

I'd like to clear something up.
My grandfather's not abusive.

He gets cranky...

And once, he threatened me
with a ladle

'cause I took
the last cupcake.

But Jim egan is the most wise
and honorable man

and the best role model
anyone could ask for.

Okay, let's...Talk
about something else.

My staff tells me
that you sold the idea

for this book six months ago.

Six months?

You only came back to me
so you could write a book?

Maybe we should, uh,
go back to the grandfather.

Yeah, let's go back
to the grandfather.

He was right about you.
And you know what?

He was more of a dad to me
than you ever were.

So any titles for the book?

Tracy, there's not
gonna be a book.

Sit down, C.J.
make me.

Son,
I'm gonna count to .

I'll do it for you.
, -- oh.

No!

Hey, uh, aunt Cate says
dinner's almost ready.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I, uh, saw you on TV.

I appreciate
you sticking up for me.

Sure.

So are you still
proud of me?

Why wouldn't I be?

Well, a couple things --

um...

I turned down

the only respectable job offer
I've ever had.

I dumped the family
to hang out with a guy

I've only known for a day
and a half.

I got my ass kicked by
a little person on national TV.

Well, it's not
your finest moment.

Still, I gave as good
as I got, huh?

No, no, you gave
as good as you had.

Oh, I don't know, grampy.

I always wanted
to know my dad.

Then when he finally
shows up...

I guess I wanted it
too much.

Well...

We all make mistakes.

It takes a man of character
to own up to it.

Well, thank you.

No, no, thank you.

It's been a long time

since I laughed that hard.

Hey, hey, hey.

You remember the other day
I wanted to give you something?

Yeah.

Well...the keys
are in the ignition.

No, this -- are you kidding?

It's not a sports car
but, uh, runs like a charm.

And I thought
maybe you and I

could put the finishing touches
on it together.

Aw, finishing touches --
can't Rory do that?

You want to take it out
for a spin?

Yeah! Wow!

This is weird.
What?

I just had this scary urge
to give you a big hug.

Yeah, well, last time
anybody hugged this body,

it was your grandmother.

Of course, it turned out to be
something more than a hug.

It's all gone now.

You know, you still throw
like a girl.