03x10 - Emergency Interview Driving Lunch

[bunniefuu]

COLLEEN: This is so exciting.

We have to remember this.

Every day is full of
these different moments

that can change our destiny.

You know I'm just masturbating
into this cup, right?

Stop taking the romance out of it.

You're extracting your semen
to be evaluated in a laboratory.

It's beautiful.

Yeah, you're right.
You're right. Either way,

we're both pulling
for our family, right?

Mm-hmm. Should we take a
selfie with the sample cup?

No, no, no. Colleen, this
actually isn't for public...

- Yay! (CHUCKLES)
- (GROANS)

Now, are you sure that
this wouldn't be easier

for you in a clinic?

No, no. That's way too much pressure.

- I need to do it here.
- Okay.

And you need to leave the door open

so that I can get a good Wi-Fi signal.

Okay. Just remember,
you only have minutes.

- Right.
- Well, minutes once it's in that cup,

but you have as long as it's gonna
take you to get it in the cup.

But then only minutes once
it's in that cup, otherwise...

- Colleen!
- Okay, I'm gonna... I'm gonna go to work,

and I'll leave you to it.

- Okay.
- minutes to get to the clinic.

Bye.

(PHONE BEEPS)

(GASPS)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

_

Matt?

Hey, Heather. I can't really
talk right now. What's up?

Yeah, you know what? I-I think
something's wrong with me.

I think I have that thing,
you know, where you have

lava in your chest. You
know that lava thing?

Yeah. No, I don't. I don't
know "the lava thing."

It's like you're pregnant,

but it's in your chest,
and instead of a baby,

it's like a thousand hot knives.

Call Tim.

Isn't this the point
of marrying a doctor?

To call him with all
sorts of fake emergencies?

No. No, his phone's off.

He's at the eye doctor.

Oh...

I think I'm gonna need you
to take me to the hospital.

Okay, well, what about Mom or Greg?

No, no. They're taking Dad

to get his colonoscopy.

You know what? I-It's fine. It's fine.

It's fine. I'm just gonna lay here,

right on this nice, cool concrete.

Oh! That's good.

Heather, I think you need to call .

What? And cause a whole scene?

No way. That is so embarrassing.

Bud, just... Hi, please,
just go around me.

Thank you.

Just, yep. Go around.

You can do it.

- (MOANS)
- Okay. Okay.

I'm coming to get you. Where are you?

All right, what does the Internet say?

It says heart att*ck.

Okay, yeah, that-that's
actually not funny.

No, Matt. Seriously,
it-it says heart att*ck.

I'm sure it's just indigestion.

Yeah, I know. You're probably right.

All right, if something happens to me,

please don't let Tim remarry.

Okay... first of all, you're fine.

Second of all, Tim has always said

that if anything ever happened to you,

he was gonna get a Japanese sex robot.

Oh, that's right. Yeah,
he wants to be able

to fart whenever he wants to.

Oh, he's a good man.

Okay, there's something
else I have to tell you.

I have been pretending to be

a girl from high school

that still has a crush on Greg.

You're Hayley Haslett?

Yeah.

He's been bragging about her for years.

Oh, God. I know.

And I had such a spectacular endgame.

I was gonna have Hayley go missing,

and Greg was the only one who
could put the clues together

to find her, and now
I'm not gonna be alive

to see the prank through.

No. No, I am never
gonna let that happen.

(PATS HANDS)

- Okay.
- (PANTING)

What's in the bag? Is that a candy?

No, no, no, no. You...

No, no. Don't worry about it.

HEATHER: Matt.

I think you're gonna have to make

some tough decisions today.

I'm never gonna let you suffer.

No, no. I want you to
let me suffer, okay?

You plug me into any
machine that they have.

All right? I don't care what kind

of financial burden it causes.

You plug me into a frickin' fax
machine if that keeps me alive.

- You got it?
- Okay. Hey.

Can we get a doctor in here?

I never told Tim's mom
what I really think of her.

She is lovely.

- She really is.
- I had all these things

that I was gonna do and,
you know, I never even

finished college.

Yeah, but you got Tyler out of that.

Yeah, I know, I know. But you
can't hang him on the wall.

I mean, I can, but no one
would be impressed with that.

Good news, Mrs. Hughes.

You're not dying.

- What?
- Looks like your symptoms

were a result of acid reflux.

- (SIGHS)
- Acid reflux?

Probably due to the coffee you
had this morning, and the red wine

you "hit pretty hard last night."

Oh, yeah, yeah yeah. It
was red wine Wednesday.

- It was Tuesday.
- That's right. Red wine Tuesday.

Heather, I asked you if
you ate anything weird.

Matt, you don't eat wine.

Well, you two are free to go,

unless you have any other questions.

(PHONE BEEPING)

(TONGUE CLICKS)

Can I throw bodily
fluids in that trash can?

No.

- What?
- Nah. Don't worry about it.

_

COLLEEN: This is so exciting.

We have to remember this.

Every day is full of
these different moments

that can change our destiny.

You know I'm just masturbating
into this cup, right?

- Should we take a selfie with
the sample cup? - No, no, no.

Colleen, this actually
isn't for public...

- (GROANS)
- Yay!

minutes to get to the clinic.

Bye.

(PHONE BEEPS)

(GASPS)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

_

Hey, Matt. Need some help here, pal.

Um, I just got Dad back from
his colonoscopy, and, uh,

he's acting a little loopy.

Why isn't this escalator moving?

Oh. Oh, there she goes.

So have Mom watch him.

Well, she was so worried about Dad

that I'm afraid that she took

a little too much of her
anti-anxiety medicine.

You okay, Mom?

You'll be fine.

Uh... I have a Skype meeting

in five minutes with a company
that wants to buy CryTunes,

and I don't want to
blow it, Matt. All right?

I-I... they're gonna let
me keep my face on the box.

Sorry, man. I got minutes
to get some sperm to a clinic.

That's my own sperm, to be clear.

Okay, yeah. I just need ten.

That's all I need, all right?

Come on. This is our mom
and dad here, all right?

So just come on over,
throw the oven mitts on,

and just lock 'em in the coat closet.

Why can't you do it?

Because I don't want my face

to get scratched, Matt.

Okay. Fine.

So now the elevator is broken, too?

Why did we even buy
this building, Joanie?

Mom?

Oh! There you are. Thank
you so much for your help.

Yeah, you got ten minutes.

I'm gonna close this deal in three.

Hey, you can close
your deal all you want,

but they're still gonna
get a camera up in there.

Well, I would be happy to
stay on board as a consultant,

provided my face is still on that box.

Do you think you'd have time to consult?

Oh, I am % dedicated

to this product.

I mean, it's my baby, except
one that I am willing to sell.

You know, in fact, I can't
think of a single thing

that would take my focus
away from this company.

Greg, do you have any ChapStick?

You got to wet my lips.

MATT: Okay, Dad. Here we go.

Here we go. Come on.

- Here we go.
- Oh!

You have wet lips. Kiss me.

- Okay...
- Kiss your daddy.

- Kiss me.
- Okay, well...

I guess this is the uncomfortable moment

when we start talking about money. So...

Perhaps we should
reschedule when you have

a bit more privacy.

Oh, no, no. Now is fine.

My dad is just recuperating
from a procedure.

What about the woman?

Huh? Mom!

I'm in the middle of an interview.

JOAN: Oh, did you tell them

about your tail?

Is she also recovering from a procedure?

No, I just took dr*gs.

Do I have something in my eye?

- Mom. Mom.
- Okay, here we go, Mom.

Here we go. Here we go.
Sorry about that, Greg.

- Oh. Oh.
- Come on. Here we go.

We're gonna go for a walk.

(CLEARS THROAT) Very sorry about that.

Won't happen again.

Who put sperm in my lunch bag?

Greggy, was that you?

Okay, that's it! Everybody out!

Everyone out, right...

Dad, that's actually mine. Can
you, um, please give it to me?

- I need to get it to the clinic.
- What? What?

Oh. Oh. Nobody clones my son.

- (GRUNTS)
- (CRUNCHES)

No! No!

So, do we still have the deal?

_

You know I'm just masturbating
into this cup, right?

- Should we take a selfie with
the sample cup? - No, no, no.

Colleen, this actually
isn't for public...

- (GROANS)
- Yay!

minutes to get to the clinic.

Bye.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

MAN: May I speak with
Mr. or Mrs. Shirt, please?

It's "Short," and no. No, not today.

You know what? You've called
me every single day this week.

My own mother doesn't
even call me this much.

Maybe that's because
your mother doesn't care

about you overpaying for car insurance.

I actually think that
that would bother her,

but what I'm most
interested in is getting you

to take me off of your call list.

I wish I could, but my
manager won't allow that

until you've sat through the
entire sales pitch, Mr. Shirt.

- It's "Short."
- Yes, it'll be very short.

And if you sign up today,

we'll even throw in a plush doll
of our mascot, Crashy the Car.

Okay, uh, I think I've
heard enough. Thank you.

That's great. I'm glad
I've piqued your interest.

No, you haven't piqued anything.
I'm just trying to get the...

(CRASHES)

(COUGHING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Can't see who it is.

Should I answer?

Yeah, it's important.

Dr. Tim Hughes, what's the news?

Tim, it's Matt. Look, I'm
really sorry to be a bother,

but I-I've tried everyone else.

Hey, Mattie. Sorry, brother,
I can't see the phone.

I'm at the ophthalmologist.

He dilated my eyes real good.

Okay, that's great. Hey,
Tim, listen... (STAMMERS)

In every brother-in-law's
life, there comes a moment

when he's asked for
a sperm-related favor.

I'm listening.

I was in a car accident.
I'm fine, but I need you

to get my sperm sample to
the clinic in the next...

minutes.

Having listened, I'm now saying no.

Sorry, I can't legally drive a car

for the next hour, even
if it's an emergency.

I'll drive. I have my learner's permit.

No, you're not ready.

According to the state, I am.

What the hell does the state know?

They gave me a medical license.

Dad, please!

Tim, please.

Both of you, stop whining.

Look, Tim, if you don't get this
sample to the clinic in time,

there will be millions
of potential lives

that will be on your head.
You took an oath, Tim.

(GROANS) Why does
everybody keep throwing

that stupid oath in my face? Fine.

Yes.

Yes, but I'm gonna be
watching you like a hawk.

(LAUGHS) Nice catch.

(TIM SCREAMS)

- Whoa.
- What?

Oh. Thought I saw something.

You can't see anything.

I can make out shapes.

(TIM SCREAMS)

Sorry. Forgot I turned
the seat heater on.

I thought I wet myself.

(CAR HORN HONKS)

What took you guys so long?

Dad won't let me drive
like a normal person.

He's being insane.

I'm the one who's being insane?

You're the one who drove
through a family of ducks

on the way over here.

That was an old box of muffins.

Now it's a box of dead muffins, Sam.

Guys!

If you don't get this to the clinic

in the next seven minutes,

the future of my family
will die in a plastic cup.

I can make it.

No, she can't.

I got a learner's permit to learn.

If you're not gonna teach me,

I guess I'll just have to teach myself.

Six minutes. I believe in you, Sam.

Samantha. Don't do anything crazy.

Put your glasses back on,
Dad. I'm in charge now.

Son of a bitch, you're
actually doing it.

- (LAUGHS)
- (LOUD BANG)

Oops.

What do you mean "oops"? More muffins?

Yeah. Muffins.

Well, just stop next time.
I can get out and get 'em.

SAMANTHA: Ooh, look at that space.

TIM: Easy!

SAMANTHA: Don't worry. I got this.

Great job, Sam.

We made it with time to spare.

Let's get Uncle Matt's
blood to the doctor.

Hey.

It's time I start treating
you like more of an adult,

so you need to know

that's not Uncle Matt's
blood sample in the bag.

Then what is it?

It's his, uh... man sample.

Ew! Oh, my God.

All right. Look, it...

- Oh, no.
- What?

I left the seat heater on.

Is that bad?

You remember when I cranked up
the heat on Sophia's fish t*nk?

Oh, yeah.

Too bad we can't replace
it without him knowing.

Yeah, this batter is toast.

(SIGHS)

But you know what? We can
still go get ice cream.

Yeah! Hurry up! They
close in minutes.

_

You know I'm just masturbating
into this cup, right?

- (CAMERA CLICKS)
- minutes to get to the clinic.

Bye!

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

- COLLEEN: Hi!
- Don't worry, it's done.

The score is officially

Matt one, little tiny cup... two.

Th-There were some stops and starts.

Well, I'm just calling because I
think I maybe left the stove on.

Sorry, these fertility dr*gs
are really messing with my head.

Dang it! My wisdom
tooth grew back in again.

The stove is not on.

COLLEEN: Okay, great.
Is the curling iron off?

Uh... (CHUCKLES) You know what?

I'm actually kind of working on

a little bit of a
schedule here, uh, Colleen.

Are you sure you left
the curling iron on? Or...

Yes, for sure.

Maybe. Probably not,
but can you check anyway?

See? This is a fun preview

of what it's gonna be
like when I'm pregnant.

- Oh, good.
- Wait, wait, wait.

Matt, how does the sample look?

Does it look like they're
gonna be good babies?

Yes, Colleen, they all look
like they're gonna be the best.

I know the answer's gonna be no,

but will you please
take a picture for Mommy?

No.

I'm off to work, Matt.
Don't touch my stuff.

Uh, Dougie, please tell me
there's a PG-rated reason

you're squatting behind that plant.

I'm hiding.

Someone's stealing my lunch
and I'm gonna find out who.

You know what? Someone
stole my yogurt last week,

and it really pissed me off.

I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

I'm gonna bring this
lunch thief to his knees!

Uh-huh.

I know everyone
underestimates me around here

'cause I'm just a dumb paralegal.

Aw, Dougie, you're not
dumb. You're a paralegal?

Well, I ain't just a pair of legs.

What do you think I'm doing here?

Uh, I don't know.

I thought you just kind of hung out here

'cause your dad's a partner

and it's downhill from your apartment.

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Matt, I need you to bring me my spy cam.

Oh, and I think I left
the curling iron on.

Hey, don't tell anyone
this isn't natural.

Yeah, uh... I'm not at
home anymore, Dougie,

and I don't where your spy cam is.

Of course you do. It's the
red light on your ceiling fan.

You put a spy cam in my room?

Don't bitch at me.

I'm not asking you to get
the one out of the bathroom.

What?

Oh, please, Matt.

You've been performing for me
in there, and we both know it.

Your brother-in-law
is a real prude douche.

You know what, Dougie?

I think you're smarter
than a lot of people

give you credit for, and I
bet, if you put your mind to it,

you could figure out
who stole your lunch.

Interesting thing is, Jen,

I never said anything about
someone stealing my lunch.

It was literally the
first thing you said to me.

Okay, one suspect down.

Unless...

Don't have a twin.

- (GRUNTS)
- Yeah.

Listen, I have a lot of work to do.

I would love to help you, but...

- Oh, that's perfect.
- Hmm?

You're like the only
friend I have around here.

I... There's this one weird
guy that talks to me at lunch,

but other than that, it's you.

Yeah, sure, sure. Let's,
uh... let's find this thief.

We're gonna do this. We're
gonna find out who it is.

- Yeah.
- Then I'm gonna crush him!

I'm gonna shove my fist up his rectum

and ask him,

"Did you like that turkey sandwich?"

- Okay...
- "Was it worth it?"

I-I-I'm with you %
until that graphic v*olence.

Okay.

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

We have narrowed it down to the
lawyers who bring their lunch

because they're too cheap to go out.

Okay, well, it can't Feinberg or Mellman

because they're lactose-intolerant

and my lunch on Tuesday
was a flight of ice cream.

All right, that's a good start.
Who else can you eliminate?

Andy. He hasn't showed up
to work in, like, a month.

I've been parking in his spot.

Well, maybe that letter he
told me to forward to everybody

wasn't an April Fools' joke.

You're saying he's dead?

Okay, we'll circle back to that.

Who on this list do
you think is most likely

to have his hands on your lunch?

Ta-da! I made it.

Not that. I made it here.

I mean, I did make that, too,
to be clear. Hi, I'm Matt Short.

Right, in your line of
work you probably don't like

to shake hands with
the customers you meet.

- Dougie.
- I don't know who took it.

Oh, come on, Dougie, focus.

I'm doing my best, you crabby bitch!

I'm so sorry.

I get really cranky when I'm hungry.

I have low blood sugar.

Oh, that's good. I'm gonna
start using that excuse, too.

It's true. I get it from my dad.

He can be a real S.O.B.
when he gets peckish.

But you wouldn't know
anything about that, would you,

you soulless vampire?!

No, no, no, no, no. Dougie.

- Listen to me. Listen to me.
- I'm gonna faint.

Your dad has low blood sugar

and he packs his lunch every day.

And he has my last name.

I bet he's taking it on accident.

Mm-hmm.

Or on purpose,

like he did with my Christmas
presents when I was a kid.

Oh, Dougie. You know what?

You are just as smart
as any lawyer here.

And you work super slowly,

which is how we bill so many hours.

Aw.

Jen, I... I would hug you,
but once I hit that gas,

I don't know how to put the brakes on.

Oh, well, Dougie, where we're
going, we don't need brakes.

- Ooh.
- No. No, I just mean,

'cause we're just gonna
do, like, a back pat.

That feels nice. Well, you
know, I'm gonna take my chances.

Ah, take your chances.

- Oh, my God! My booby trap!
- Booby trap?

I got to get to my lunch
bag before my dad does.

What?

Dad, stop!

Huh?

Oh, thank goodness.

It didn't go off.

What didn't go off?

- Nothing. Enjoy your lunch, Dad.
- Yeah.

Huh.

Love your tie. Always love your ties.

Huh?

Did you write your
name on your specimen?

Ah, good call. I did not.
Can I borrow a pen, please?

Congratulations, it's a boy.

(COUGHS)

_

We have to remember this.

Every day is full of different moments

that can change your destiny.

You know I'm just
masturbating into a cup, right?

- Uh-huh.
- Okay.

Are you sure you don't
want to do it at home?

You know, I thought about it,

a lot can happen in
minutes. Why risk it?

Oh, thank you so much, sweetie.

- (LAUGHS)
- Yeah.

I am so excited that we're doing this.

Mr. Short.

Go get 'em.

Okay.

(CHUCKLES)

We've got a room for you
right here, Mr. Short.

You can take all the time you need.

MAN: Someone's in here.

Do you want to wait or
go to a different room?

I want you to close the door.

Thank you.

So we wait.