01x08 - Jeff & Some Childlike Joy & Whimsy

Episode transcripts for the 2017 TV show "Jeff & Some Aliens". Aired January - March 2017.
"Jeff & Some Aliens" follows Jeff and three aliens who share his apartment. They've been sent to Earth to observe the intricate complexities of the human condition, but instead they just wreak havoc on Jeff's life.
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01x08 - Jeff & Some Childlike Joy & Whimsy

Post by bunniefuu »

It would be crazy for the
Fed to raise rates right now.

Oh, totally agreed, bro.

I mean, it's basic supply-side economics.


Um... I mean,

unless they want stagflation,
in which case I think...

- Penis.
- I-I'm sorry.

What are you doing?

Oh, my God, do you guys
seriously not know this game?

All you got to do is say it louder than me,

and whoever says it the loudest...

- Who are you?
- I'm Jeff,

Sauce's best friend and spit
brother since the fifth grade.

Okay... who's Sauce?

Who's Sauce?

Are you guys even at
the right birthday party?

- [chuckles]
- Hey, guys.

- Hey, Michael.
- Michael!


Why does he keep calling you that, dude?

Are you serious?

You never even told 'em this story?

No, no, Jeff... we don't need to

- get into that right now...
- We're at the Freshy's

parking lot and he bought a
Euro from this guy named Kaasib.

And I said, "Be careful.

You're gonna get the [bleep]."

Okay, okay, all right, that's enough...

He got the [bleep] so bad, from then on,

everybody started calling him "Sauce,"

even your mom, remember?

- Jeff, that's enough.
- Heh, bang.

I gotta save some of this gold

for my special birthday spee-otch.

No, no, no, no. W-why
would there be a speech?

Is there a... MC Noodles in the house?

Hells to the [bleep] yeah!

[chuckles] I'll be right back.

- [sighs]
- Michael, who... who is that man?

[sighs] That's my best friend.

- [hip-hop music playing]
- Uh, uh, yeah.

[chuckles] Turn it up, turn it up.

♪ Yo I've known Sauce
for most of my life ♪

♪ We got a tighter bond
than him and his wife ♪

♪ Sorry Whitney please don't h*t me ♪

♪ But when it comes to Sauce
stories I got a litany ♪

♪ Remember that time
at the winter dance ♪

♪ He got so drunk he pissed his pants ♪

♪ But he still got
Melissa to slop his lance ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And every Friday after work ♪

♪ We would get so [bleep] torched ♪

♪ That we made up our own language ♪

♪ And pretended to be orcs ♪

♪ Screwby screwby snaggle ♪

[sighs] ♪ Screwby screwby snork ♪

What's that mean?

♪ It means "you're my best friend" ♪

♪ In Gorganese ♪

♪ Super best friends Sauce and me ♪

♪ How'd he get the name "Sauce"?

♪ You may have just
thought it all started ♪

♪ With a Euro in a
Freshy's parking lot ♪

Oh, come on!

[clears throat]

And now for my speech.

♪ Three aliens
came from the sky ♪

♪ The Galactic
Council sent them ♪

all: ♪ And here's the reason why ♪

♪ Their mission is to study ♪

♪ Earth's most average guy ♪

all: ♪ To see if humans
are worth saving ♪

♪ Or if everyone has to die ♪

Wait, what?

[birds twittering]

So then I absolutely
m*rder the third verse,

and when it's all over, he
doesn't even say "thank you."

He says, "Hey, man, that
was inappropriate.

There are 'children' here."

- Oh!
- Oh, what a jerk.

I've never seen you work
that hard on anything.

I mean, the whole reason I even did a rap

is 'cause that was our thing, man.

Did I ever show you our old videos?

- Old videos?
- Let me see if I can remember

our old band login info.

[chuckling] All right, here we go.

Look, look. Look at how much

more interesting and
multi-faceted he used to be.

both: ♪ Handjobs ♪

♪ We love handjobs ♪

♪ Well the only job I ever
want to get is a handjob ♪

♪ You'll never see me doing
some stupid old man job ♪

♪ And if you do please kick my ass ♪

I would I could, buddy.

[sighs] I guess those days are over.

Is... is million views a lot?

Are you serious?

[stammering] What is this?

Why is all this written in gibberish?

It appears to be Swedish, Jeff.

Looks like you're a big h*t over there.

- Really?
- And look at this.

One of these guys is
trying to offer you a gig.

- Holy [bleep]!
- And look at this.

It says here you can get
stiffer, girthier erections

with this one weird trick.

All right, well, we'll look
into this for one second,

and then we're gonna call those Swedes.

I just can't believe
we're finally talking to

the real MC Noodles.

- This is super fresh, man!
- [giggling]

I can't believe I'm talking
to two Swedish people.

The festival is called Jekiel Fest.

It's a little bit like
your Coachella, but bigger.

And we want you to
play the main stage.

The main stage?

But I must apologize in advance.

Our government is being very stingy

with their funding of
summer youth festivals.

We can only offer you ,
Euros and first-class tickets.

I am so sorry.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh...

Of course, there can be no Noodles

without Sauce.

Because that would suck, man!

But he will be there too, yes?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

He'll be there. Don't worry.

Going over the contracts
and all the amendments,

and I haven't found any discrepancies...

in regard to the...

- Boom!
- Oh!

This nightmare is over.

You're free.

Excuse me, one second, just for one second.

♪ I'm the fart professor
class is in session ♪

♪ Here's the different types
of farts in quick succession ♪

♪ You got the squeaker
the howler... ♪

Didn't I ask you to take these videos down,

like, two years ago?

You're asking all the
wrong questions, dude.

You should be asking stuff like,

"What's our set list gonna look like?

"Should we choreograph some dance moves?

What's it gonna feel
like to be Swedish gods?"

[sighs] Jeff, believe me,

deep down, I'd love to do
something crazy like this.

But I might make partner soon.

I have stock options
that are going to vest.

Stock options? Vests?

Listen to yourself, man.

You sound like my dad.

Let me tell you something, dude.

You get one life,

and one chance, to...

Jeff, I'm sorry, I've
got a : I gotta get to,

but... not quitting my job.

[bleep], [bleep], [bleep].

I don't understand what's happening.

It's like he's been possessed by

some kind of demon or something.

No, he's probably just lost all his BX - .

- His what?
- One of the first videos

we made here was all about it.

Check it out.

[device whirring, beeping]

- [dropper drips]
- What the hell is this?

Ooh, ooh, sorry, sorry. Wrong video.

Humans are born

with a vast natural
reservoir of BX - ,

a complex chemical

that fuels joy, wonder,

and the curiosity
needed to take risks.

But the people of Earth have
structured their whole society

to destroy this wondrous chemical.

Just when the human mind is ready

to absorb the wonders of life,

it is forced into an internment camp

to cultivate stress,
the only thing known

to destroy BX - .

And when they return home,

their forced labor continues
well into the night.

These torturous rituals
increase in intensity

into adulthood.

What the [bleep] do you
mean "update driver"?


Until stress successfully
destroys all remaining BX - ,

at which point the human experiences

depression, hair loss,
and eventually death.

[upbeat music plays]

Jesus Christ, that was awful.

Hey, come on, go easy on us.

We hadn't found our style yet.

So that's what's going on?

Sauce lost all of his BX - ?

But how... how does he get it back?

Easy. You just give him some of this.


Oops. My bad.

This is the stuff you want. BX - .

Where do you guys get this stuff, anyway?


And what you all call "recess,"

like everything else,

is just another step on the
long march towards death.

[children gasping]

- But it's Sunday.
- I know, baby.

But these contracts
going to amend themselves.

Look, I just need to power through

for another six months
or so, and then we are...

That's what you've been
saying for the last four years.

Our lives are going by, Michael.

And we're not even living them. Because...

No, no, no, no, no, no.
I can't do this right now.

I don't have the strength for it.

Oh, but somehow you
always have the strength...

- [doorbell rings]
- These might be the documents

I'm expecting.

- Hiya!
- [gasps, spits]


Any of that get in your mouth?

Jeff, what the [bleep]
is the matter with you?

Is that childlike joy
and whimsy I'm hearing?

W-what's happening?

Just a second, honey.

I'll take care of this.

I-I'm sorry, Sauce.

My aim is a little off. I
was going for your mouth...

Stop calling me Sauce! Okay?

You think I want to be
reminded that I had diarrhea

ten years ago every time I see you?

Well, I don't!

Well, I mean, it wasn't just diarrhea.

That's a little bit of an understatement.

- Who was right...
- Shut up!

What is the matter with you?

It's like you're stuck
in the seventh grade.

It's sad.


Let's face it, Jeff.

We're not friends, anymore.

You don't mean that.

That's just the stress talking.

[both screaming]

Take it. Take your medicine.

- [groaning]
- Take your medicine.

[wheezing, choking, groaning]

Sauce! Oh, my God.

What have I done? What have I...

[rousing music]

- Ball slap!
- Oh!


Oh, man, I got you!

Hey, Noodles, man, check it out!

It looks like your mom's
snatch! [blabbering]

You... haven't called
me "Noodles" in years.


Definitely bringing these.

It's... hey, where are my stink b*mb?

Michael, I-I really don't understand.

I mean, we didn't even
have time for a honeymoon,

and now you're gonna go to
Sweden for a week with Jeff?

Hey, Whitney, you don't
have an extra neck pillow

by any chance, do ya?

Yeah, no, Jeff, I don't.

Babe, we're not just going to Sweden, okay?

[chuckles] We're gonna rock

, peoples' faces off.

[sighs] I mean, I'll be honest.

My feelings are a little hurt.

And... oh, will you please
stop looking at my breasts?

I'm sorry, they're just so
luscious and juicy, okay?

Michael, what is even happening here?

- I...
- Whitney, if I may?

I know this whole thing
is a little unorthodox,

but I think you and I both know

that Sauce here needs
something to shake up his life.

And I personally guarantee that this trip

is going to make him a better husband,

a more generous man,

and probably a better lover.

Okay, look, Michael,

if you really want to go to Sweden,

obviously you should.

But I really want...

Okay, great, thanks, honey. Bye, a-whoo!

- Sweden, yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!

[honking horn] Come on, Jeff, seriously,

let's go! Jeff, come on, man!

- [Michael continues shouting]
- Thanks so much, guys.

That BX - really did the trick.

Oh, I'm glad we were able to help, buddy.

And now I finally got somebody
in my life I can have fun with,

that I can go on adventures with,

because without Sauce,
I-I really have nobody.

Well, what about us?

Oh... yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.

You guys. But that's different.

[honking horn] Come on, Jeff!

Coming! Whoo!

Sweden! Yeah!

[door opens, closes]

I'm not offended.

Yeah. Me neither.

Well, I am!

What the [bleep] was that?


[louder] Penis.


- Penis!
- [laughing]

This is seriously the best game of my life.

What's going on, Sweden?

- Noodles! Sauce!
- Hey, what's up, groovy dudes?

What's up?

Here are all your Euros in cash.


Ho, ho, nice.

Here is a traditional
Swedish welcome pastry

made of liver and lingonberries.

It's good for digestion.


Are you ready to go

to the greatest summer
youth festival of all time?

[electronic dance music playing]

both: Sweden, yeah!

♪ ♪

both: Sweden!

- Sweden!
- Sweden, yeah... oh.


♪ ♪

Oh, man, what a fun night.

Hey, Sauce...

you about ready to head back?

What are you talking about, man?

Gustaf said the best
DJ hasn't even spun yet!


After the next five DJs,

the really good DJ is coming.

Guys, come on, let's get real here.

All this [bleep] sounds the same, you know?

I'm just getting a little
tired, and I need...

Sounds like someone needs a sh*t!

- Yeah, he does!
- No, thank you.

No, the jetlag's starting to kick in.

Come on, don't be a p*ssy boy.

Yeah, Jeff, don't be a p*ssy boy, man.

Okay, just one more, though. Okay?

I-I'm just a little concerned

that tomorrow morning I
might not feel, you know,

a hundred per...


Oh... oh...

Dude, you got to keep
drinking the Schnapps.

Hair of the dog, man.



Aah, what's happening?

I feel like there's bugs under my skin.

[laughs] That's six packets of

itching powder, dude, right in your face!

- [laughing]
- Why would you do that?

That's just mean.

What the hell, man?

When did you turn into a lame, old loser?

Look, Sauce, I-I think
I made a mistake here.

- I need to tell you that I...
- Hello?

Sauce, we're gonna be
late for the bubble party.

Oh, Jeff, got to go, man.

I think Ingrid wants it, dude. [laughs]

What are you talking about? You're married.

It's funny. My wife used to be

the most important
thing in the world to me,

but suddenly I just feel so young and free.

- [gasps]
- I don't know

what I was thinking, tying
myself down like that.

I've got to sow my wild oats, dude!

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Y-y-you don't need to

sow any oats.

Sauce, let's go. [giggles]

What are you doing?

This girl is, like, .

I'm , you silly billy.

But that's the legal age
of consent here in Sweden.

Dude, thank you.

None of this would have ever happened

if it wasn't for you.

- [gasps]
- Now let's go

to the bubble party!

- Yeah!
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

- Wait!
- Sweden!

[door closes]


[birds twittering]

I mean, is it just me, or does it feel like

sometimes Jeff doesn't actually care

about our feelings?

He just uses us when he needs
help with things and when he...

Definitely not just you.

Remember what happened on Thanksgiving?

- Oh, yeah.
- Exactly.

Exactly the... [phone rings]

Hello, Jeff.

Guys, I think I gave Sauce too much BX - .

How... how do I undo this?

Oh, what a surprise.

Jeff's calling when he needs something.

And by the way, Jeff,

we're doing fine. Thanks for asking.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where is this coming from?

You really want to know, Jeff?

Well, I think I speak for all the guys

when I say we're a little tired

of being used as pawns in a chess game...

Guys, I'm really sorry, okay.
This is an international call.

- [groans]
- Can you just tell me

how the BX - works,

and we'll deal with this

when I get back?

Stress, Jeff. Okay?

Stress eats away at BX - .

The more stressed-out he gets,

the faster it'll happen.

It's obvious you didn't pay attention

to the video we worked so hard on.

But you know what? That's fine.

Stress, of course!

Thanks, guys. And... and look,

whatever's going on here,

I'll make it up to you, okay?

I'll bring you back some souvenirs.

[phone line beeps, dial tone drones]


[electronic dance music playing]

- Yoo-whoo!
- [giggles]

Oh, you're like a big, soft board.

[both laughing]

Oh... my... God.

♪ ♪


I need more glitter.

Want to be like a walking prism.

Sauce, listen to what this man has to say.

He's a retirement specialist.

- What?
- Well, I think you should know

that it's harder than ever
for young people to save

for their retirement, because of headwinds

in the global stock market

and runaway inflation.

Whoa. Holy [bleep].

And tell him what you said
about the international markets.

There are no longer any safe
havens, not even treasury bonds.

Volatility is at an all-time high.

Whoa, that is some heavy stuff.

I bet that stresses you out.

Stresses me out.

Jeff, what is happening, dude?

You're being so lame.

Wait. So, like...

what percentage of my paycheck

should I be putting
into stocks versus bonds?

Well, that depends on
your appetite for risk.

Okay, hi.

Can you take me to... Jekiel Fest, please?

Isn't that the festival

where all the teenagers
just screw in the woods?

Yeah, okay, you know what?

I'm not really in the
mood for a conversation.

It's like, when I look at the color blue,

and you look at the color blue,

how do we know we're seeing the same thing?

- Whoa!
- That is so deep.

I know, it's a mind-[bleep], right?

- Freeze!
- Whoa!

We got a tip there were people doing dr*gs

at a music festival,
and we came immediately.

No! Aah!

- [wailing]
- Wait, Sauce!

They're just actors!

both: Oh! Whoa!


Oh, that's so whack, bro.

[both groaning]

Oh! Oh!

[suspenseful music]

Oh, dude!

I got ya.

♪ ♪


Noodles, you okay?

Wake up!

Noodles, God damn it, wake up, man!

One, two, three, four.

♪ ♪

You're not gonna die on me, man!

Don't die on me, man!

[gasps] Help!


Oh, man, I'm too young for this [bleep].


[electronic dance music playing]

Mm... hmm.

Hey, do you want to buy some acid?

No, thank you.

You haven't happened to
have seen this man, have you?

Oh, what is that, like some
kind of dragon with three faces?

No, his name is Michael Jenkins.

Come on, Jeff. Jeff.

[spitting, gasping]

Oh, Jeff! You're alive.

Oh, my God, Jeff, I'm so sorry.

I've been acting like such a moron.

And I... oh! [spits]

Stupid glitter. Why the
hell did I put this crap

all over myself?

Sauce, you're back.

We don't have much time.

We have to keep our body temperatures up

before hyperthermia kicks in.

[dramatic music]

[shivering] Skin to skin

is the best way to keep warm.

[shivering] So, so tired.

No, no, no, no. Don't you go to sleep.

[shivering] You could slip into a coma.

[shivering] I just sleep for a little bit.

No, no, no, no, Jeff, Jeff.

Hey, hey. Tell me the Freshy's story.

But I thought you hated that story?

No, I don't, I don't.

[shivering] It's my
absolute favorite story.

You ate a Euro.

And then you got the [bleep].

And then what else happened?
Give me some details.

You [bleep] yourself,
like, six times that day,

and it was hilarious.

[rousing music]

If we die out here, the worst part is,

I'll never be able to apologize to Whitney.

I've been taking her for granted.

Do you know what it's like
to come home to somebody

who loves you day in, day out?

Hey, buddy.

Made you some stew.

Yeah, I think I do.

Hey, Sauce.

Scrap snoff, snip snaff.

I love you too, Jeff.

I love you too.

- Found them.
- [gasps]

You know, in Sweden, we
embrace h*m* lifestyles.

There's no need to run
off to the woods in shame.

[birds twittering]

Doctor, is... is he going to be okay?

We are very lucky to
have got you here in time.

It will require a few complex surgeries,

but I think with the right...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay. [chuckles]

I'm not getting ripped off

by some greasy, foreign doctor, all right?

I'm going to wait until I'm back

at a good, honest American hospital.

Hey, Jeff, I think they've got

really great socialized medicine here.

Sauce, I don't need surgery.

I'm not some kind of p*ssy boy, okay?

All I need to do is rock.

- Thank you!
- Thank you!

- [speaking Swedish]
- Excuse me... oh, sorry.

You know, we wrote all our
songs about ten years ago,

and the truth is, we've
changed a lot since then.

So, tonight, we're real excited

to play you all a new song

we just wrote.

Is that okay?

[all cheering]

h*t it.

[pop music playing]

♪ All of us are young one day ♪

♪ And we smoke and drink and [bleep] ♪

- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!

♪ But being young forever ♪

both: ♪ Would really really suck ♪

- Huh?
- What?

♪ 'Cause if you fetishize your youth ♪

♪ To the point that it
stunts your development ♪

♪ You might find that
your friends move on ♪

♪ To have successful lives ♪

♪ Leaving you alienated ♪

both: ♪ And alone ♪

♪ At the same time you
don't want to sacrifice ♪

♪ The joy and freedom of youth ♪

♪ By taking the responsible route ♪

♪ 'Cause you think
that's what adults do ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ Or you'll live your life ♪

♪ In a downward
spiral of self-hatred ♪

both: ♪ And shame ♪

Bro, this sucks, man.

Shh, please, I'm trying
to listen to the lyrics.

Thank you.

♪ And I realize now ♪

♪ That the only thing that matters ♪

♪ Isn't my job or status or wealth ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ I really love my wife, man ♪

[crowd booing] ♪ I
really really love her ♪

♪ She's my friend, my hero ♪

♪ My rock, my lover ♪

Michael! It's me!

- Whitney!
- Baby!

What are you doing here?

Everybody, this is my wife.

- [giggling]
- I love her so much!

Baby, baby, what is this place?

I don't know what was
going through my mind,

but baby, I'm never going to
take your for granted again.

You're my rock. You're my hero.

- You're my...
- Yeah, I know, baby.

I heard the song.


[crowd continues booing]

Jeff, where you going?

There's something I gotta do.

[birds twittering]

Wow! [chuckles]

A sh*t glass with the Swedish flag on it.

I love it!

How'd you know I love scarves?

My neck feels so warm.

I'll be honest, Jeff.

I really wasn't expecting
much from these souvenirs,

but I didn't know you meant
the best souvenirs of all time!

I love you guys.

And may these souvenirs
be a constant reminder.

- man over phone: Hello? Jeff?
- Sorry, just a second.

What do you mean the
surgery's gonna cost $ , ?

Well, Jeff's sure being a lot nicer.

Looks like that estrogen
we've been giving him

is finally starting to work.

We should double the dose.


Come on, don't be a p*ssy boy.

Yeah, Jeff, don't be a p*ssy boy, man.

Okay, just one more, though. Okay?

I-I'm just a little concerned

that tomorrow morning I
might not feel, you know,

a hundred per...


Oh... oh...
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