03x14 - Parents Ancestry Coupon Chaperone

[bunniefuu]

Jen? Honey?

(QUIET, RAPID BREATHS)

(GASPS) Your parents are coming. When?

They'll be here before
the dr*gs can even kick in.

(EXHALES)

Why didn't you tell me?

Because they just told me.

I mean, I love my parents,
but I hate when they visit.

Honestly, I'm gonna lose it, Greg,

just like I do every
single time they come visit.

And then everyone gets upset,
and they leave on bad terms,

and then we do it all
over again the next year.

Well, every family has its traditions.

I think the only way to
make this a fun visit

is if we just avoid all conversation.

Huh?

We go to places

that prohibit talking.

- Yes.
- Libraries.

- Yes.
- Theaters.

- Yes.
- Scuba diving.

- Yes!
- All that matters is

the second they get
here, we are out the door.

Jenny, look.

Look, sweetheart,
look what Daddy's done.

Just sit me in a chair

and leave me for dead.

Oh, no.

This is the worst thing
that could have happened.

So, Dave, tell her how it happened.

Well, Charlotte kindly tucked

the comforter into the end of the bed.

I slipped in for the evening, and, uh...

like that, my ankle just exploded.

So the-the weight of
the goose-down feathers

was just too much for
your ankle to handle?

Had there been any
higher of a thread count,

and I would've been facing amputation.

CHARLOTTE: But Daddy's forgiven me,

and I forgive him for asking me

to make the bed in the first place.

Although the case might be
made that the one who took on

the responsibility of
making the bed had a sort of

an implied contract to create

a safe environment.

Wow. (LAUGHS)

Starting with a toughie
right out of the gate.

What smells?

Tutu-Bipsy.

And G-Pa!

Now, Lark, you got to be careful, okay?

'Cause G-Pa's got a hurtsy.

Oh, no, that's fine, Greg.
The herpes is long, long gone.

Sweetheart, come, give me a big kiss.

(GROANS) I can't believe we're
stuck here listening to them.

My head is gonna explode

- like my dad's ankle.
- You want to know what?

Here's what we're gonna do.

- What?
- You hang out with your parents

for as long as you can stand,

and when you reach your breaking point,

I'll swoop in and relieve you.

We'll tag-team' em.

Yes.

- Yeah?
- Uh-huh.

Aside from the fact that I now have

the visual of us
tag-teaming my parents...

I like that.

And that is when it
became obvious to me

that Shakespeare was,
in fact... a woman.

That is a conspiracy
theory I have not yet heard.

Daddy was very affected by
the Wonder Woman film.

- Sure.
- That's true... and what heroes

are more super than our
literary heroes, correct?

He's just trying to find a niche

to compete with the
young professors who cut

- their jeans off at the bottom.
- It's an entirely

valid point of view...
Just happens to be

from a younger perspective, that's all.

Uh, do you... do you know
who cuts his jeans off

at the bottoms?

Greg. True story.

Greg?

Oh, hey, hon. Don't
forget to give me a sign

when you need a break, okay?

Greg, me getting up
and coming over to you

with this face is the sign.

Oh. Oh, I... I just thought
you were gonna give me a signal

like whistling and patting yourself

like you lost your keys or something.

But don't worry, I gotcha.

- (WHISPERS): Tag.
- Tag.

So, what are we talking about?

Greg, settle this...
Was Shakespeare a woman?

(WHISTLES)

Jen, tell your father it's not true.

He claims there's a crow
that speaks sign language

and also volunteers
for the fire brigade.

It happens to be the
gospel truth, all right?

A student showed me the video.
The crow's name is Murphy...

Although around the firehouse,
they all refer to him as Murph.

It's the truth... You can Guggle it.

I can what it?

Guggle it. You know,

when you drag something
down from the Internet

to get more information.

I believe it's pronounced "Google."

See? I've been telling you that

since we had dinner with the MacDuggals.

It's the MacDougals.

You know what, will you excuse me?

I'm getting a phone call to Greg.

Greg?

(DOOR OPENS)

Wow. All I said was, is I
have no idea about the crow,

and they did not stop talking.

It's exhausting.

Just promise me you and I will never

talk to each other that much.

I promise.

But I'm proud of you.

Hmm?

Now, get out there.

You can do this.

Thanks, babe.

I needed that.

Hey, wait a minute, no,
I was coming in here.

It's your turn.

Damn it. So close.

(SIGHS)

(QUIET GRUNT)

We did it.

We tag-teamed our way
through their visit.

I am so proud of you... you
didn't lose it on them once.

(SMACKS LIPS) Man, I will say it again.

I am so lucky my college boyfriend d*ed.

Ha... Aw.

Well, we are so sad you're leaving.

The car is waiting outside
to take you to the airport.

And we packed your
bags for you. So, bye.

That was so thoughtful of you.

But you didn't have to do that.

Because we're staying.

Where?

Here. We've decided to extend our trip.

- When?
- Now.

- No.
- Wow.

We're so concerned about your marriage.

The whole time we've been here,

we've barely seen the
two of you together once.

It's as if as soon as one
of you enters the room,

the other's so revolted, they leave.

We're not letting the two
of you give up. We're not.

That's why me and Mommy are staying

until we've all worked
this thing through together.

Have you seen my keys?

Oh, my God. No.

You know what? I'm done.

I can't take it anymore.

This week has been insufferable!

Good girl, Jen, let it all out.

And now, Greg, your turn.

Tell us, how do you feel about Jen?

(QUIETLY): Mm-mm.

_

What the hell is that?

Mom-Mom, this pasta is so good.

Oh, thank you, dear.

The key is to get the
mayonnaise really boiling.

Then it candies.

It was my grandmother Wandy's recipe.

- Wandy?
- Mm-hmm.

What kind of a name is that?

It's short for Wanda.

But that's not shorter.

Well, it was a slower time then.

Hey, you two, tell Sophia about Wandy.

Oh, the kids' magician that
ended up going to prison?

Yeah, I don't think

she's old enough for that story, Mom.

No, no, no. I'm talking about Wandy,

your great-grandmother.

I can't believe you've
forgotten your family history.

Oh... Wandy.

- Wandy.
- Yeah.

I don't remember her.

- No.
- This is so sad.

I mean, what happens when I'm gone?

Our whole family story disappears.

Like cousin Victor down that sinkhole.

(CHUCKLES)

I know how to save it, Mom-Mom.

I'm not freezing my head.

Okay, we just have to fill
these test tubes up to the line.

Oh! A genetic testing
kit. How sophisticated.

(SPITS)

We shouldn't have done this after lunch.

- They're gonna think I'm part hamburger.
- We're just a couple

loogies away from knowing
our entire family tree.

Oh, Wandy would be so proud.

She was very prideful.

She wouldn't even
talk to my grandfather,

Junious, until he
helped her board the ship

that would carry them to New York.

You see, she couldn't walk,

and medicine wasn't what it is today.

Remember, though, this
is a long time ago.

Like when Hamilton was white?

- After that.
- Okay.

It would be years before
Junious had the courage

to ask for her hand.

But her father said
no, and so, they eloped.

Oh, they don't make love
stories like that anymore.

(SPITS)

As you can see, we're each representing

our newly-discovered genetic history.

(ALL CHUCKLE)

Je m'appelle Sophia.

I'm % French.

And I'm % Scottish.

Well, turns out I'm
related to John Wayne Gacy,

but I'm not gonna dress up like that.

Here's our genetic report.

And here is the greatest
love story of all time.

Junious and Wandy,

my grandparents.

HEATHER: Huh.

Well, that's weird.

Wandy also had an uncle
named Junious, and he was

born on the same day as her husband.

Oh, it was a family name.

And he d*ed on the
same day as her husband.

Did she marry her uncle?

No, don't be ridiculous.

It's the greatest
love story of all time.

He carried her off the boat.

Because she was four months old.

No! No, no, no, no, no.

It was love!

He-he taught her to walk,
he even spoon-fed her.

They courted for years.

Yeah, until she was years old.

No wonder her father disapproved.

Guy married his own niece.

- (GASPS)
- COLLEEN: Sam, that's like

you marrying Uncle Matt.

Oh... (STAMMERS)

So, we're the product of incest?

Well, you are. (LAUGHS)

I guess this, uh, means my mom and dad

both wearing toupees isn't so
weird anymore, huh? (CHUCKLES)

No, it was a different time!

He stole a baby and married it.

He loved the baby!

MATT: Mom,

are you really defending this?

No.

Give it back.

It's just that it was
such a great love story,

and I'm proud of my incest and...

No,

I'm not proud of incest.

It's just that,

you know, DNA really sucks,

because then you find out incest.

And so what's left for you?

Well, best I was hoping
for was an explanation

for Uncle Greg's tail.

Think we found it.

_

- Happy birthday.
- Oh!

- Ooh! It's such a big box.
- (GIGGLES) Mm-hmm.

As my dad would say,

you can fit way more
than a human head in here.

Mm.

What is it?

(BOTH SQUEAL)

(GASPS)

Oh, look, you gave me a book
of homemade coupons again.

- Yeah.
- For chores

and other silly, silly stuff.

You just can't stop
giving me coupons as gifts.

No way. You love 'em.

Mm. Happy birthday.

Thank you. Love you.

Ugh.

Classic Matt.

Giving a gift no one would ever use.

Ugh. You know what?

That all changes today.

I'm gonna become the
first person in the world

to actually cash those coupons in.

- Mm-hmm.
- (GREG WHISTLES)

Jen, have you seen my keys?

Uh, Greg's whistling. I got to go.

I've decided it's time to dive in

and start using those gift coupons.

All right. What am I warming
up, the tub or the wax?

'Cause I can get down with either one.

Ooh, you're gonna get down, all right.

With a little karaoke.

I did not give you a coupon for karaoke.

No, but you gave me a coupon for

"an adventure of your own choosing,"

and the choice has been made.

- We'll do your hair in the car.
- But I don't like karaoke.

That's 'cause you've
only done it in English.

(SINGING IN KOREAN)

Hey!

(CONTINUES SINGING IN KOREAN)

(BOTH SINGING IN KOREAN)

COLLEEN: Yay! This is the best.

I can't believe I didn't
cash these coupons in sooner.

I wish I could be one of those people

that ate all of my meals in bed.

You're describing a quadriplegic.

Mmm, this is so good.

Somebody order a sexy handyman?

Yeah.

The garbage disposal's clogged.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'll be back in three hours.

Mmm.

That is amazing.

Now work on that
bunion. Whittle it down.

Yay.

Oh.

Mmm.

Oh.

Thank you, Mom. I
forgot what it was like

to have someone make breakfast for me.

JOAN: Aw, you're welcome, sweetie.

Well, I guess I'm off to do the dishes.

Unless anybody wants to help me.

No thanks, Joan.

Joan, here. Give this coupon to Matt.

Then he'll do any chores that you want

in whatever outfit that you want.

Now, I prefer the
French maid, but I'm sure

that you're gonna take it
in a different direction.

I gave that coupon
to you, not to my mom.

I know, and I'm giving it to her.

It's called regifting.

Well, it's rude and incredibly hurtful.

Well, not as hurtful as getting coupons

for your birthday instead of a gift.

We can give coupons for birthdays?

Babe, if you can tell
me when my birthday is,

you can give me a coupon.

June. July.

- Jewelry it is.
- That's right.

I thought everybody
loved getting coupons.

Coupons are literally the worst gift

you could ever give a person,

and that's coming from a woman

whose last present was a flu sh*t.

Now, that is a gift
that keeps on giving.

Through flu season.

% of the time.

Matt, it's not that we want you

to spend more money on us.

We just want you to, you
know, think about us a little.

JOAN: And luckily,

you'll be able to do that

while you're doing the dishes.

Yeah, and the French maid's outfit's

up in the hall closet.

Should be dry by now.

You want the heels, let me know.

_

Oh!

Sorry. (CHUCKLES) I
don't want to poke you.

No, it's okay.

TIM: Boom!

Right on the nipple.

Oh! Babe, you think
my nipple is that high?

Oh, honey.

Guys, this is my prom, not yours.

I know. Sweetie, listen,

we are here to chaperone,
okay? That is it.

Yeah, tonight's all about you, honey.

Now you get out there, you crazy kids.

- (LAUGHS)
- Come on.

So the parents can have a little fun.

(GASPS) Oh. I always
fall for the bad boys.

Ah. Oh.

I cannot believe that I get
to be at real prom with you.

Oh, honey, I am so in love with...

Wayne Winger? (GASPS)

Oh!

- Who's Wayne Winger?
- (YELPS)

He was only the most popular
guy in my high school.

I mean, he was, like, the
winner of Battle of the Bands,

he was prom king.

He won class vice president,
and he only came in second

because Janelle Swanson had polio.

I don't even think that's a real thing.

Why don't you just go say hi?

Oh, God, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He will never remember who I am.

He was way too popular for me. Okay?

We talked, like, one time.

He will have no idea who this girl is.

Heather Short.

(CHUCKLES) You look exactly the same.

It's me. It's Wayne Winger.

Wayne... Wayne...

Wayne, Wayne, Wayne
W-Winger. Wayne-w...

Wayne Winger, right! Yes.
I haven't seen you since...

- That night.
- Yeah. Whoa.

- And then I shipped out.
- You did.

Desert Storm One.

- Oh, yeah.
- m*llitary band.

Mmm.

Excuse me, I have to go tune my axe.

I like to keep all my instruments

in fine working order.

Do not go away.

Oh, no, I won't. I won't. I won't.

- (WHOOPS)
- (GASPS)

What was that about? You said
he only talked to you one time.

Yes, the night that we had sex.

Oh, my God, Tim,

I cannot believe that he
remembers me. It just...

It's Wayne Winger.

Totally remembers me. Me!

Can you help me get my earring in?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, if I can remember correctly,

you really knew how to handle a stud.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): Hey,
uh, let me help with this.

I'm, uh...

(NORMAL VOICE): I'm an
ear doctor and her husband.

Dr. Tim Hughes, it's
actually pronounced "Huge."

Hello, North Tippet High!

(CROWD CHEERS)

We are Wingz with a
"Z" for legal reasons.

Are you ready to rock?

(BAND STARTS PLAYING)

♪ I am done being disregarded ♪

♪ Through the night,
you beg for pardon ♪

(SPRAYING)

♪ Many lies would it
take to praise you... ♪

Are you still into this guy?

Who? Oh, Wayne?

- Eh, he's not into me.
- No, no, no.

I said you're still into him.

(SIGHS) Oh... I hate
it when you get jealous.

Jealous? Of who?

- Wayne.
- (SCOFFS)

(LAUGHING): Wayne? Wayne's dumb.

Oh, come on, Tim.

Wayne is not dumb, obviously.

I mean, he's in a band, okay?

You know what? Let's just...
let's not do this here.

WAYNE: ♪ Sat and waited,
worried for you... ♪

(SIGHS) What is up with your dad?

He thinks I like Wayne.

Wayne Thompson?

He's a ninth grader,
and you couldn't get him.

SAMANTHA: Really, Mom?

I knew you guys would
make this night about you.

What? We've been watching
you the whole time.

You've been here, right?

- Yeah, I've been having a blast.
- Good.

The lead guitarist keeps
licking his lips at you.

Really?

And Ryan won't even dance with me.

- Why not?
- Because Dad stole him.

He keeps calling him "Rye Bread."

This Wayne guy

thinks he's so cool?

Tell you what, Heather's
gonna change her tune

as soon as the lease is up on my minivan

and I get a kick-ass sports car.

You feel me, Rye Bread?

- Yeah.
- All right, Tim, come on.

Let's stop being a buzzkill

and give Samantha her date back, okay?

I will, just as soon as my
date stops eye-banging Wayne.

You did not just say that to me.

- Come on, Sam, let's go.
- Really, Mom?

Shouldn't your commitment

to one another for years mean more

than some really cool
guy from your wife's past?

I mean, you won her heart.

Isn't that what really
matters, Dr. Huge?

You're a good kid, Ryan.

Maybe the best.

Your dad is behaving like a child.

He knows I wasn't a
virgin when I met him.

Ew, you lost your virginity to Wayne?

I wasn't a virgin when I met Wayne.

I mean... (STAMMERS) No.

Derek Wilson lost his virginity

to a wet toilet paper roll.

I kind of have a crush on him, though.

Mom, you and Dad are
both acting like children.

(SIGHS) You're right.

You're right. I... Oh...

I just got caught up

in feeling like a teenager again.

It is such an exciting time.

And when you grow up to be
a strong, beautiful woman,

I want you to be able
to look back on tonight

and have beautiful memories.

- I'm sorry.
- Thanks, Mom.

Yeah.

But I won't have anything to remember

unless you let me go
dance with my boyfriend.

- Okay, go, have fun.
- (SAMANTHA GIGGLES)

(SIGHS) Sam's kind of a bitch, huh?

WAYNE: All right, this next one goes out

to a sexy little tiger

who's in the audience tonight.

Just to be clear, I'm talking
about an adult chaperone

and not a student.

Wayne, Wayne, go away.

WAYNE: ♪ And I'd give
up forever to touch you ♪

♪ 'Cause I know ♪

♪ That you'd feel me somehow ♪

♪ You're the closest to heaven ♪

♪ That I'll ever be ♪

♪ And I don't want
to go home right now ♪

♪ And all I can
taste is this moment ♪

♪ And all I can breathe
is your life... ♪

I love you.

Okay?

You know what? I...
We're the adults here.

Right? I think it's time we
start acting like it, hmm?

WAYNE: ♪ ...miss you tonight ♪

♪ And I don't want
the world to see me ♪

(HEATHER AND TIM MOANING)

♪ 'Cause I don't think
that they'd understand ♪

♪ When everything's
made to be broken ♪

♪ I just want you
to know who I am. ♪