03x03 - Code Change

[bunniefuu]

Finally, somewhere we
can charge our phones

without having to buy anything.

I know. Thank God. Literally!

The problem is, if my mom
calls when my phone is dead,

she gets mad she can't
reach me and it activates

the guilt sequence.

Well, she may be the trigger,

but you're the one omitting those...

Wait. What's the opposite of endorphins?

Judaism.

She just keeps calling me to
ask me to do stupid things,

and I feel guilty, so I say yes,

and then I feel like sh*t,

and then we start the
whole thing from the top.

A-5, 6, 7, 8.

You know, there is not a
single f*cking outlet here.

I know! What is this
place even good for?

Does anybody work here?

[driving punk rock music]

Finally an electrical outlet.

Make room for Mommy.

Uh, hey.

- Oh, sh*t.
- Oh, sorry. So sorry.

Thank you.

Hi. Um, Vanessa. I'm an alcoholic.

- Is this sitcomy?
- Not if we're respectful.

I repeat behaviors that hurt me,

and then I feel really bad about myself.

That sounds just like me and my mom.

Oh, sh*t, Billy. I'm at 1%.

This is gonna take forever to charge.

Let's stay for the meeting.

ALL: Keep coming back.

It works if you work it, so
work it; You're worth it.

Thank you very much. Thanks, everybody.

[applause] Thank you.

Clapping? Why are they clapping?

That guy over there was
barely phoning it in.

Hi. I'm Vanessa. Welcome.

- Hi.
- I'm a hugger.

Oh. Hello.

I'm Julie. I'm not.

Oh, okay. Hi...

- I just sanitized my hands.
- Okay.

Is this your first time in a meeting?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I have to say, what you were
yammering on about earlier

really resonated with me.

Listen, if you ever need
anybody to talk to,

please, don't hesitate to call me.

Oh, I'm into dudes.

I wasn't coming on to you.
Just sobriety.

- Oh. Okay.
- Okay?

Thanks a lot. And good luck.

- Oh, I don't need good luck.
- Hmm?

- 'Cause I have a boyfriend.
- Oh, he's gay.

No, no, no. He's not my boyfriend.

My boyfriend's way more feminine.

[rock music]

Mom, what's going on? I'm on a deadline.

Netflix just dropped 1,700
episodes of "The Ranch"

on their poor subscribers overnight.

Julie, I believe that my dentist

is trimming my bangs while
I'm asleep in his chair.

- Mom, no.
- Julie, yes.

I had a hunch, so I scheduled a
superfluous teeth whitening.

And look at these selfies.

These are before and after.

This is the before.

And this is the after.

No, wait. That's a mistake.

That's right. This is the befo...

Oh, my God, what's wrong with me?

Why do I keep coming back for this?

Julie, somebody could
be collecting my DNA

or they could be making a wig
from my bangs very slowly.

After all I do for you,

you can't give me ten
minutes of your life.

Okay, fine. I'm sorry.

Besides, staring at your hair
is still more interesting

than watching Ashton
Kutcher and Sam Elliott

clash worldviews in front
of a live studio audience.

I think the one on the right
your bangs look shorter.

I knew it! That's the one.

What a creep he is.

Oh, Julie, while you're here,

I need you to partially clog
the drain in my bathtub

so that when I take a
shower, my feet stay warm.

Arthur, close the door. I
have sort of an awkward

subject to discuss.

Gabby, you've told me
about your favorite

American Girl doll's hysterectomy

at length yesterday.

And I maintain there are no
wrong decisions around it.

Right, well, between you, me,

and my American Girl doll's uterus,

we have a problem

with Lester from sales.

Why? He's been here 30 years.

He can't learn our new computers.

Look, maybe you could, um, coach him.

I could certainly try.

Thanks. I really don't want
to have to let Lester go.

The world is cruel enough.

Thank God Bitty Baby
can't have children.

[grunts]

[moans]

You didn't finish.

- Oh, I got it.
- No, no, no, no. Let me.

It'll just be faster if I do it.

Then we can walk the dogs
and come home in time

to watch Samantha Bee.

As erotic a scenario

as you've just painted
with your word pictures,

I miss when we started going out
and I would get you off myself.

Okay. We'll take the long way home.

[game show theme music]

♪♪

[sighs]

♪♪

I know how to do this.
Why isn't it working?

I don't know, but I think
we should cut our losses

before any chaffing happens.

- I feel terrible.
- Don't feel terrible.

Millions of women go to bed every night

without having an orgasm.

All their husbands voted for Tr*mp.

At least you care.

Let's change the subject.

This is what I did today.

I went to my first AA meeting.

But it was just to charge my phone.

Anyway, long story short,

I'm addicted to my mother.

[phone buzzing]

Hello?

Billy. It's Rucchel, your sister-in-law.

Thanks for narrowing down all
the Rucchels in my life.

It's 6:00 a. M. Why are you calling me?

There were noises in the house
all night and I don't feel safe.

Garry is still in Israel, so
it's just me and the girls.

Please come!

Hi, Rucchel. Why am I here?

What do you want from me, and
how long is it going to take?

The answer to all your
questions is shut the f*ck up.

Where do you have to be,
a loser convention?

Okay. So, what's happening?

There are noises in the house?

I'm sure it's the new
neighbors across the street.

They're the first gentiles
ever to live on Feldshuh Lane,

and I think they're
trying to mess with us.

By doing what, exactly?

They come in at night,
move things around,

don't take anything, and then leave.

It's called "creepy crawling."

- I'm going home.
- No, you're not.

You're gonna back me up while
I scream at those goyim

until they go back to Marblehead.

They could have g*ns.

Or Polo mallets.

Uncle Billy, please don't
let her do anything.

She's going to embarrass us.

Shut the f*ck up, Tal! I am not.

Hey, you Christmas celebrators!

Stop creeping crawling, and
get out of our neighborhood!

Sorry! Don't mind her!

No, you know, Jews,
we're the same as you.

No. We've suffered a lot more.

No! We've all suffered!

Shut up, Billy. Get back in the house.

[rock music]

So Rucchel is the first Jew
these neighbors have ever met?

She's not a great ambassador.

Julie, I had to run across
the street and apologize

to these poor Presbyterians
from Eureka Springs, Arkansas.

- That can't be a real place.
- Yes.

Do you think Eureka Springs
is named after the first girl

who ever squirted?

Clumsy transition, but topic adjacent...

- Okay.
- Arthur is no longer okay

with the conclusion of
our sexual routine.

- He can't cum?
- He can't make me cum.

But I can make me cum, which is fine.

The point is, everybody's cuming!

Sounds like an episode
of "Californication."

- What's the problem?
- He's taking it personally

and he's become obsessed

with doing it for me.

It's well-intentioned but exhausting.

Like Tim Robbins.

But I don't get it. Why
is it so complicated?

It's not, and I hate when people say

that giving a woman an
orgasm is complicated.

It's not a circuit board.

It's a series of mechanical actions

that you learn and repeat.

The problem is, I think my code changed.

But I thought you said
it's not a circuit board.

It's not; It's more
like a combination lock

or a PlayStation controller.

It's a sure thing.

Up, up, down, down, left, left, right,

up, down, long diagonal, long
stroke, punch, game over.

- Punch?
- Punch.

Mazel tov.

Well, I don't get it. So
what's different now?

After three failed attempts
at breaking the new code,

I think my vag*na locked Arthur out.

Oh, no. Your p*ssy got
a stronger password.

[laughs] Are we talking
about code changes?

Mine changes every day.

Sometimes it's four strokes and a yank,

sometimes just a couple
of toes up my assh*le.

Oh, God, the male organ is
a complicated wonderland.

Did I just overhear a
conversation about your dull,

hetero/h*m* sex lives?

Yes, Lola Falana! Drag them!

Oh!

Your experience isn't worth
a hill of flickable beans.

If you had half a brain
in that red Bozo wig,

you would know there are
a million ways to cum.

You're only using ten
percent of your p*ssy.

Call me when you're ready
to be "Limitless."

Oh, hi, Mama D.

You look cute. You all
dressed up for Nate's return

from Rock and Roll Fantasy Camp?

Yes, and now that he got that
silly little rock and roll phase

out of his system, we
can put it behind us.

[bluesy guitar riff]

Oh, God, no.

Red Band Trailer, I'm working late.

I have to save an old man
from becoming redundant.

JULIE: Arthur, you're not redundant.

Orgasms are just faster and
easier if I do them myself.

That isn't what I was talking about,

but thank you for reinforcing

my sexual failure on my work phone.

Oh, sh*t, I gotta go. My
mom's on the other line.

Can I call you back? I've
gotten, like, seven texts

from her that say "Emergency."

Emergency, Julie. Emergency.

I need you here right now.

I'm at Saks, and everything
my personal shopper

picked out for me is way too boxy.

Is she trying to sabotage me?

Does she think I'm ten
years older than I am?

You know what, Mom, I'll
call you right back.

Julie?

Hey, uh, Vanessa?

This is Julie from the AA meeting.

Listen, I need your help.

The bottle is calling.

♪♪

Rucchel, you have to stop calling me.

Oh, I'm sorry my terror
is inconveniencing you,

you selfish son of a bitch.

It's a good thing your
parents are already dead,

because if they saw how you
treat your only sister-in-law,

it would f*cking k*ll them.

Oh, please, Rucchel.
My parents hated you.

You know that. They were just happy

that Garry could lose his virginity.

Exactly.

I took one for the team;
Now it's your turn.

Go check the basement.

What if it's not creepy crawlers?

For all I know, there could
be a dybbuk down there.

Oh, really, Rucchel? A dybbuk?

A Yiddish demon is haunting
your water heater?

- [clanging]
- [gasps]

Okay, I heard that.

Uh...

Stay here.

[ominous music]

♪♪

[screams]

Garry!

Billy? Thank God.

The Israeli Army doesn't want me,

so I've been hiding out under here.

Could you please get me
crackers and some clean socks?

Garry, what the f*ck is wrong with you?

What did you do to get yourself
kicked out of the Israeli Army?

No, I didn't get kicked out.

I... I never even made it
past the Tel Aviv airport.

I got there and they took my vitals;

They said my Dramamine
levels were too high

and then they just sent me home.

I begged them to let it wear off,

but they just threw some oranges at me.

What the hell is going on down there?

Oh, nothing, Rucchel! Stay up there!

- Garry, this is so...
- I know, I know.

It's pathetic and stupid.
I know, I know.

I just feel so ashamed with
Rucchel and the girls,

so I've just been hiding out down here

and just sneaking up at night.

You're living down here?

This is like "Room" if that
abuser had kept kosher.

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

How long have you been
living on f*cking crackers

and basement air?

Oh, I don't know. I mean...

I think a couple of days. A month.

- What?
- Here's the thing,

I'm scheduled to come home soon,

so if I could pull it off,

I have, you know, one of
those really great, like,

heroes welcomes.

You ever see those YouTube videos

of soldiers coming home

and those dogs don't even
consider biting them?

I want that with Rucchel.

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

Living down here,
running around the dark

with your little lantern

like you're f*cking Ichabod Crane.

Your wife thinks that your house

is haunted by a dybbuk, okay?

I'm not gonna be part of this.

I understand. You don't wanna help.

And I wouldn't either.

I'll just continue
living under the stairs.

[door creaks]

God damn it, Garry.

Rucchel. You've got a dybbuk.

[rock music]

So now I have to stage an exorcism

so that Garry can pretend to
come home from the Israeli Army

in time for Rucchel to believe
that her home is dybbuk-free.

Perfect. Meanwhile,

Arthur is holding me hostage to
an orgasm of his own making.

He asked me to block out
three hours tonight.

There's nothing hotter than
reserving the amount of time

it would take to watch "The Hobbit"

for your lover to insist
on pleasuring you.

I know; I feel like I'm
about to be subjected

to some kind of clitoral fracking.

NATE: Hey, hey, hey. How's
it going, New York City?

We are Order's Up.

We're all over 40, we
all own restaurants,

and we met at Rock N' Roll Fantasy Camp.

This is an extremely slow
version of "Surfin' Bird."

One, two, three.

♪ Well, everybody's
heard about the bird ♪

Jesus Christ.

We've only been parents for six months

and he's already going
through a mid-life crisis.

♪ Bird, bird, bird ♪

Hey, hold on, guys. I'm a
little bit out of tune.

Hold on. ♪ Bird ♪

[guitars tuning] ♪ Bird, bird, bird ♪

This is some straight-up Tim Allen sh*t.

"How to Exorcise a Dybbuk."

The unloved spinoff to "How
To Train Your Dragon."

Step 1. Assemble a Minyan.

Like those little yellow idiots?

Billy, if you make one
more g*dd*mn quip,

I will punch you so hard, your
stubble will fall to the floor

like you're in a f*cking cartoon.

Note taken.

A minyan is a prayer
group of ten Jewish Men

who have all been Bar-Mitzvah'ed.

Well, this neighborhood
is notably Jewladen.

I mean, we could just
knock on doors and ask.

Are you out of your mind?

I don't want my neighbors
to know I have a dybbuk.

Whenever I need a guy on short notice,

I just use RentB... I mean, Tinder.

That's it!

We'll recruit our Minyan from J-Swipe!

Isn't J-Swipe how you
teach girls to wipe?

Front to back in the shape
of an upper case J?

Why do you know that?

No. J-Swipe is Jewish Tinder.

- There's Jewish Tinder?
- Yes.

- [groans]
- We'll create a fake profile

for the ultimate Jewish girl.

Yes! I like that.

Image search "Brandeis."

Yes, those photos are from the
Jewish A Capella championships.

- The Jew-Wops.
- Hello, gorgeous.

Bye bye, Dybbuk.

What should we say?

[funky music]

"My breasts are as heavy and dense

"as two garbage bags full of marbles,

and I have the flattest,
widest ass you've ever seen."

"- When I'm not drinking iced tea

"in an air-conditioned restaurant,

"I'm praying to Hashem

"to send me a man who will
share with me his opinions

on everything from Bob
Dylan to Philip Roth."

Ooh.

[Arthur panting]

That was "The Braille Wishbone."

♪♪

[grunting]

"The Morse Code Noose" combined with.

"Reach for the rest
of the peanut butter"

"under the life of the jar."

♪♪

Oh, really?

No luck with "The
Double-Handed Vulcan Salute"?

Okay. Drumroll please.

"The Other Becky From 'Roseanne.'"

Ah!

I've got some disappointing news.

My entire doll collection
committed su1c1de last night.

I'm sorry for your loss.

And since you started
working with Lester,

he's actually started forgetting things

he used to know how to do.

So, I'm sorry, Arthur,

but it's time to let Lester go.

He's just completely useless.

Or maybe...

the problem isn't Lester.

Maybe the software has changed!

Give him one more chance!

Not the right time, Arthur!

Call me when you've found
45 dolls in an oven.

Uh, God damn it, Lester.

I don't need to watch you fumble around

like Ronald Reagan in... either term.

Okay, click on the file.

Click on the folder.

Okay? Try it.

Folder, fi... no, stop!

Just easier if I do it myself.

Hey J-Swipers.

Debbie, the Jewish girl
that you matched with,

she'll be down in a second.

She's just diffusing her hair.

I know how long diffusing takes.

Curly hair is a whole thing
if you don't want frizz.

My sisters, they spend
forever in the morning.

But I'm telling you, I've
known her since camp,

and she's worth the wait.

Oh, camp... that was the
happiest I was ever at.

All my friends come from summer camp.

I can't wait to meet her.

You know, Jordan and I used to
do a Capella at Camp Ramah.

Nobody cares. Save it for Debbie.

She loves that sh*t.

Really? I formed a Doo Wop Group

with my friends from Project Birthright.

My Bar Mitzvah theme was
a three-part harmony.

I started a Barbershop
Quartet on the train here.

Was Lou Reed the last cool Jew?

I am so glad that you reached out.

The first step of sobriety can be scary.

Yeah, I can see how it can be.

Excuse me? Can I please
see the wine list?

- Julie.
- Fine.

Four desserts. And surprise me.

Julie, you were a wreck when
you called me from Saks.

I mean, you've got to get a
handle on these addictions.

I love this sponsor thing.

It's like having a friend who
never talks about herself.

- [laughing]
- A cheese plate doesn't count.

I'm gonna need a fifth.

Oh, no, no, leave it, please. Thank you.

Nancy Reagan was an
AIDS-ignoring monster.

Tell me something I don't know.

However, next time the bottle calls...

- I'll just say no.
- There you go. Atta girl.

[phone buzzes]

- Oh, speak of the devil.
- Hmm?

It's the bottle calling.

My old drinking buddy.

You know what to do.

I am right here for you.

Okay.

- [phone continues buzzing]
- Hi.

Julie, I need you to replace

these energy-efficient lightbulbs

with energy-wasting ones.

This economy lighting is aging me.

No.

- Excuse me?
- JULIE: I said no.

I can't do it. Good-bye.

What?

I'm sorry.

Well, if I look sick,
it's because of the call

I just had with my daughter,

or this bullshit Al Gore lighting.

Anyway, catch me up.

Thanks for the meditation
app recommendation.

Danny Aiello wasn't exactly the guide...

Is it hot in here?

Are you hot?

Uh.

How good does that feel?

What were we so afraid of?

I don't know! I mean, I said no.

Big deal; What's the worst
thing that could happen?

[phone buzzes]

[groans]

- Yeah?
- I... I just called 911.

- Ow!
- I think your mom

is having a heart att*ck.

Ow!

- You okay?
- Yeah, I think I just learned

what the worst thing
that could happen is.

Mom!

How did you get past the nurse?

How could you tell her not to let me in?

How did you give me a heart att*ck?

I did not intend to give
you a heart att*ck.

I was just trying to
set some boundaries.

Please. That's "Julie" for
you doing what you like,

when you like it, with no
regard for what I need.

All I do is regard your needs.

It's making me unhealthy.

That's rich, Julie.

You're complaining about
you being unhealthy

when I'm in a hospital bed?

All I did was tell you
I couldn't come over

and change all of your lightbulbs

within an hour's notice.

Was it worth it, Julie?

Was it worth it?

Stop blaming me for this!

MAN: Can you please keep it down?

BOTH: Shut up, assh*le!

Before you meet Debbie,

let's say a traditional
blessing for first dates.

And... five, six, seven, eight.

ALL: ♪ Dybbuk, dybbuk,
dybbuk, get out of town ♪

RUCCHEL: Good!

ALL: ♪ Dybbuk, Dybbuk, Dybbuk,
don't come back around ♪

And counter-clockwise.

BOTH: ♪ Gey avek, dyvuk ♪

Put some feeling into it!

Billy, get in there.

- No.
- Get in there, Billy!

Get in there. It won't work
unless ten of you do it.

BOTH: ♪ Un ikh darf az du zolst gey ♪

[indistinct Yiddish] dybuk, di ale!

Gey avek un kum nisht tsurik!

We don't need you here, dybbuk.

Oh, no, not I.

[ululating]

[ululating]

Rid thee, demons!

Flee from this home!

Flee from this home!

[ululating]

Oh, my God! Chrissy, Lexington.

How are you? Thank you for coming.

A margarine casserole?
That is so sweet of you.

[ululating]

- Don't worry about that.
- [ululating]

We're just Jews. We're just like you.

We're not weird.

Daddy's home!

Garry!

Ask me about Israel.

Ask me about Israel!

♪♪

Get me out of here, Julie.

Who knows what they'd do to
my bangs if I nodded off.

Here, let me.

Don't forget my eyebrows.

You know, I have in my will

they can't bury me without
doing my eyebrows.

You know that video will I made
with Tina what's-her-name.

I'm still in shock. I can't
believe you almost d*ed.

You know, sometimes I wonder

if maybe that would be a relief for you.

Are you crazy?

I can't imagine life without you.

I'd say you're a part of me,

but sometimes I think you're most of me.

You can't leave, Mom. I'd disappear.

Oh, sweetie. I'm not going anywhere.

I can't imagine what life
would be without me, either.

I'm sorry about the nurse.

Next time I have a crisis
in the Saks dressing room,

I think maybe I'll just send a selfie.

I'd like that.

You know what, I do think she
was trying to sabotage you.

- I'm not that boxy.
- Nobody is.

♪♪

- I'm exhausted.
- Me too.

What if we both just sit here

and we're okay with doing
absolutely nothing.

We won't even try to do nothing.

We'll just do nothing.

- Yes.
- Completely.

[sighs]

[rock music]

MAN: ♪ Ease your hand ♪

♪ Call out your name ♪

- We did it.
- You did it.

Thank you for letting me.

I wonder what was different this time.

Uh, maybe if you're turned on enough,

there is no specific code.

[phone buzzes]

Oh, sh*t. It's my sponsor.
Do you mind if a grab it?

Pumpkin Seed, from now on,

I don't mind if you grab
it or if you let me.

As long as we're both satisfied
during and after sex,

I'm as happy as a Jewish girl in
an air-conditioned restaurant.

- Hey, Vanessa.
VANESSA: Hey.

I was just wondering if you're gonna

come to the meeting tonight.

Exactly, I'm using again.

I tried but, I don't think
I'm ready to quit her.

So I just put a turban on her instead,

and now my boyfriend can make me cum.

Okay, Julie. You're obviously wasted.

If you need any help,
you have my number.

Hi, I'm Vanessa. I'm an alcoholic.

Get the hell out of my chair.

So was the army scary?

Oh, it sure was.

You know, it's not so easy
living in such damp conditions.

Eating crackers for
breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

w*r, what is it good for?

Absolutely nothing.

What a blessing.

Our dybbuk is gone, and
our Garry is home.

Really great timing for
two unrelated events.

Listen, I gotta go.

I will see you all at the
next unpronounceable holiday.

GARRY: Billy?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

No, I mean, um,

thank you very much.

I salute you.

All right. Bye, guys.

Billy... Thank you.

Billy... [mouthing]

Thank you so much, Uncle Billy.

Shut the f*ck up, Tal.

The first f*cking time in
your life you say thank you,

and it has to be now?

- I'm just sorry you...
- You don't even know

what the f*ck you're thanking him for.

All right, okay.

Hey, so is Debbie almost ready yet?

[lively ska music]

Hey! How's it going?

Hello, everybody!

Lookin' good. Up top.

Yeah! Whoo!

Lester, just the man I wanted to see.

You're fired. Clean out your desk.

All right, Gabby. Gabby,
Gabby, Gabby, Gabby.

I don't know how. I don't know how.

Okay, PBS, baby! Yeah.

Making TV.

♪♪

Thank you. Thank you very much.

These guys make the
Rock Bottom Remainders

look like... well, no, they suck also.

We're also taking requests.

Oh, I'd like to retroactively
request the night off.

No.

He's getting better.

Matthew, he is damn not.

This is a nightmare.

Oh, well, what if you
took your baby back

to the adoption agency, got rid of it?

You know, put the focus back on Matthew?

All right, listen up, Sheeple!

I'm Lola, and I'm the newest
member of Order's Up.

This is a real song you
can find on YouTube,

called "Building Seven."

Three, four...

MAN: Oh!

♪ Thought it'd be easy ♪

♪ Thought they didn't know ♪

♪ You thought it was
the only way to go ♪

♪♪

♪ Another way out ♪

♪ Found on the way home ♪

♪ Thought you were living fast ♪

♪ But you were living slow ♪

♪♪