04x04 - The BJ

[bunniefuu]

♪

[Eerie music playing]

♪

[Muffled] Help me.

Help me!

What's she saying?

Well, if it's the B.J. from last night,

she's probably saying, "Hump
me, hump me." Right, Dump?

[Shouts indistinctly]

I am not B.J., idiots!

So I suppose you're
the missing girl, then?

- No. I'm her mother.
- You're B.J.'s mom?

Oh my God, no. I'm her sister.

I'm gonna say something
that I don't say a lot.

I'm confused.

All right, when I was...
I was trying to get B.J. off the stage,

and I guess she tripped me,
and I fell and I hit my head.

And the next thing I know, I'm here.

Dump: Mm, nice try.

I hear that's how she met Claude.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yep.

[Metal bangs]

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

[Whispering] Listen.

[Wood creaks]

♪

[Exhales sharply]

♪

[Whispering] What then?

♪

- What?
- Do it again.

[Wood creaks]

♪

[g*nsh*t]

[Table clatters]

[g*nsh*t][Screams]

What is happening?!

♪

[Groan]

Aaaah!

[g*nsh*t]

Man: Oof.

[Groaning continues]

[g*n thuds]

Did they hurt you?

What?

Did they hurt you?

No. Did you k*ll them?

No, no. Th-This is a
bean-bag g*n. They're fine.

Which is better'n me.

I'm pretty sure I broken
all the bones in my feet.

[Groans] Oh.

This is why I shouldn't be a hero.

Ow.

Can you help me, please?

Hey, you know I'm Robin
and not B.J., right?

Yeah, no sh*t, Sherlock. [Scoffs]

What kind of man doesn't
recognize his own wife?

♪ Yeah, I'm a country chick ♪

I don't know what's gotten into you,

but I love it.

You've got some strong bones.
Especially this one.

[Chuckles] What?

[Laughs]

♪ Give a lick ♪

♪ I'm a down and dirty country chick ♪

♪ Somewhere between the mountains ♪

♪ There is a place I'm thinkin' ♪

[Distorted music plays]

♪

_

I can't believe you convinced me
to stop in Cortland.

It's only a half hour to Syracuse.

Let's just go back to my mom's
and wait for Delilah.

The boy just texted.
He's on the lookout, okay?

- Don't worry about that.
- Did I leave my phone in the car?

- Hey, forget it. Forget it.
- Wh... What?

Forget about that.
I want fun Nate tonight.

Okay, it's 11:00 in the morning.

I know, but I want the Nate
I was promised.

I want the Nate who is into me.
Ya heard?

I can't hear anything with
your tongue in my ear.

- [Sighs]
- [Gasps] Free sangria?

Yeah. I'm not drinking.

Clearly you are. Are you still drunk?

- Mm-hmm.
- [Glass thuds]

Oh, hey, let's do something fun
we've never done before, like coke.

- You've done coke.
- Yeah, but we haven't done coke.

What are you talking about?
We did coke the day we met.

Okay, well, sometimes it's fun

to do something we've already
done, in a different context.

Yeah, okay, but I'm too old

to develop a cocaine habit, all right?

I've already got
post-nasal drip without it.

Let's go check in.

[Clears throat]

Hey. How are you? Uh...

Welcome the Sweet Suites by Swift Stay.

- [Dinging bell]
- Okay.

Uh, we just made a
reservation for Parker-jer.

Remember that? Nope.

Okay, I have a Parker Jr. Is that it?

Yeah. And we're gonna need a room

with thick walls and a sturdy bed.

And I don't care
how clean the comforter is.

Because I like it dirty.

I'm sorry, ma'am,
but all of our comforters

are eyeballed for freshness
on a biannual basis.

- Cool.
- Ew.

Okay. Unfortunately, it looks like

your room isn't quite ready yet.

Boo! You suck. Shh!

But if you're looking
for a little "wayward" fun,

just head outside, and just
across the way, there's a...

- Back alley we can [bleep] in?
- What?

I was gonna say gentleman's club.

- Ohh!
- Exotic dancers.

Yeah, let's do that.
We've never done that before.

We have done that.

That's...

She's...

Guaranteed check-in by noon.

I'm a bronze member.

[Burlesque music plays]

B.J.: Ohh, God!

I bet that smell is making you so wet.

What? The smell of Pine-Sol
and broken dreams? Not really.

Whoo! Turn it up!

Podcast Host #1: The Constitution
is a living, breathing document.

It has fluidity.

Podcast Host #2: Just like gender...
it can and should change.

Change is a good thing.

I was laying in bed
with my dog Partisan Hack

and thinking, "Zie changed.
Why can't the Constitution?"

It's called document privilege.

It's a privileged white paper

written on by privileged white men...

You guys like this podcast, too, huh?

They used to be cater waiters
in the Obama administration,

so they really know
what they're talking about.

- You closed?
- Nope.

♪

Okay, this is sad. Let's go.

Hey, you know what's sad?

You got a tight broad and you
force her to come to this dump.

Okay.

Yeah, I just want to be
at home waiting for Delilah.

All right, hey, man, why don't we put

this whole "my daughter's
missing thing" on hold

for just, like, a day and loosen up?
Just a day!

Why don't you line us up some
whas-up whas-up sh*ts, girl?

- Yeah! That's what I'm talkin' about!
- You know it!

Mm! Mm! Mm! Mm!

Whatever.

God, I haven't had a
drink in over a year.

- Oh, my God.
- I just feel like... Wha...

[sh*t glass thuds]

I didn't say I wasn't gonna drink.

Let's get some titties
up on that stage!

Where them girls at?

Most of the dancers are on lunch.

Oh. Well, I guess I
have to do it myself.

What? What are you doing?

Oh, my God, I love her.

Yeah, I don't really know her.

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Mandy: Please welcome to the stage...

Give it up for...

- What's your name?
- B.J.

B.J.!

Why would you call yourself
your sister's name?

Nobody uses their real name.
You gotta use a handle.

♪ Daisy Duke short shorts ♪

Use Destiny.

♪ Peel 'em off right ♪

Ooh, mountain climbers. There ya go.

Yeah, girl.

Yeah. All right.

♪ Everything about me
just feels so right ♪

Make it rain.

- I've only got change.
- Do it!

[Coins clinking]

♪ You better get hard
'cause it's time to... ♪

It's more like hail.

[Women cheer]

♪ People callin' me a ho ♪

♪ I don't give a lick,
ridin' all them hicks ♪

No. Pull up.

You're gonna rip your taint wide open.

Mn! Mn! Mn! Mn!

Yeah! Twerk it, girl!

Good choice.

Here... Ohh! Jesus![Woman shrieks]

Ohh!

Sparks are flyin'.

Geez. I've got glass all over me.

Jealous? Of what?

These b*tches.

Don't call them that.
That's so reductive.

- They like it.
- No, they don't.

Together: We do.

♪ I'm crazy with the g*ns
and a bloody dead stag ♪

[Women cheer]

Careful. What are you...

[Glass shatters, women cheer]

Eugh. You all right?

♪ That burnin' feeling means
you caught my clap ♪

Ohh.

Babe, just sit down and take it off.

Oh! Jesus Christ!

Yeah. God.

- Put your shoe back on.
- Nah! I'm taking clothes off,

not putting them on. That's how
strippin' works, ya dumbshit.

Woman: Whoo!

Baby, seriously.

- Oh!
- [Women cheer]

Holy sh*t! You okay?

[Groans] Was it sexy?

- Up until the fall, yeah, sure.
- Ah, good.

I think we might need
to get you to a hospital.

[Sparks crackle]

Whoo!

♪

[Keyboard clacking]

♪

[Indistinct conversation]

♪

B.J.'s not answering.

Uh, what's, uh... What's Nate's number?

I don't know.

How do you not know that?

Because when I want to call Nate,

I press the button on the phone
that says "Call Nate."

And B.J. stole my phone.

Well, you're better off
without a cellphone, anyway.

Now you're not being tracked
by the Silicon Nerd Cabal.

- Or NSA.
- Or the CIA.

- Or Air Force.
- Space Force.

- Or you know who.
- Who?

- Obama.
- Obama.

Oh.Salam Malakum, Barack.

Hope you're enjoyin'
what you're seein'.

Claude: Hold up.

You mean to tell me

your husband's not worth
the brain space

to remember nine digits?

I mean, no wonder he
left you for my wife.

All right, all right.

What's his middle name?

Oh, um, I want to say it's Paul.

But... I... It could
very easily be William.

Give me his birth date.

'70... It's '70...

- How old is he?
- 40... I don't know.

What do you know about him?

- Credit-card number?
- 375489432100.

Expiration 7/22. Security 673.

What? Guys, somebody
has to buy the groceries.

Found him. Nathan P. Parker Junior.

Yes! I knew it was Paul!

Uh, looks like he made
a reservation at, uh,

Sweet Suites by Swift Stay.

- [Bells dinging]
- Okay, stop. Stop.

I am so sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Parker Jr.,

but the room still isn't ready yet.

Okay, I've had enough of this.
I'm not paying for my valet.

I'm taking some shampoo
and some conditioner,

- and we're going back to my mom's.
- Let's go. But I can offer you

a complimentary spa voucher,

featuring our signature
Catskill mud bath.

Ooh, yeah. Let's get dirty.

- Haven't you had enough?
- Give me another one.

Um, it's really just one per...

Let's go.

There's nothing famous
about Catskill mud.

Actually, there is.

[Scoffs]

You should've taken the mouth wash.

[Zen music playing]

If you two aren't feeling romantic now,

you will after this.

Now, if you'd like to disrobe
behind our modesty curtain.

Yeah, no, who needs that.
Let's let it fly!

[Laughs]Let's go. Let's get this goin'.

- Let's get this off.
- Stop! Stop! Stop!

What, are you gay? My sh*t is tight.

What's wrong with you?

I just don't want anyone to see.

Who's gonna see? The place is empty.

♪

Oh, it's like I'm not even here.

- Yeah.
- But you are. So...

♪

Babe, what are you...?

Wow, that is tight. Look at that.

Yeah, look at that.

You're still here.
And... undressing yourself.

Oh.

Oh, maybe I read the signals wrong.

I thought the three of us...

♪

No. Thank you.

- Ok... Okay.
- Yeah.

No problem.

I can take a hint.

I don't think you can.

[Zen music playing]

[Moans] This is nice.

Oh, my God. Mm.

Oh, that's nice. That's almost as nice

as that western Japanese town bath.

Japan was great.

What... are you talking about?

Japan was awful.
I'm talking about Alaska.

How can you not remember that?

It was only two summers ago.

I think it was probably
the last time we had sex.

The last time you had sex
was two summers ago?

Last time we had sex. Last time we...

Of course, I haven't even
seen you naked since Tibet.

We were in that tent with Jared.

Oh, God, that was so sexy.

What?

- Did your boobs get bigger?
- Maybe they're just excited.

Is that how boobs work?

That's how my boobs works.

Maybe it's just 'cause
I haven't seen you in so long,

but you seem like a different person.

Yeah, it's the new-and-improved Robin.

Old Robin was such a bore, right?

I wouldn't say that.

Mm, you don't have to. I did.

What else did we hate about old Robin?

Nothing, really. I mean...

Oh, come on.
Old Robin was bossy as sh*t.

- Not really.
- [Echoing] Yes, she was! Say it!

- Old Robin was bossy as sh*t!
- I guess sometimes, she...

[Normal voice] She got this awful
"May I speak to the manager?" haircut.

- It's not that bad.
- I'm growing it out.

- Thank God.
- See?

It feels so good to sh*t on old Robin.

It makes me horny.

Look at this guy.
Ooh, it's so big and thick.

Why don't you stick
that in me right now.

- That's my ankle.
- Then what's that?

- My calf.
- Why don't you stick this in me.

Not yet, you two.

Ah. You're still here.

The whole time.

And I have to be honest.

I can see that the two of you
are completely out of sync.

You don't seem to know
anything about one another.

Okay, we do. All right?

It's just been a stressful year.

Yeah, with his job and all.

What? I haven't had a job
in three years.

Okay, you know what?
You need your bars run.

It'll completely change
your whole energy field.

- Okay, out you get.
- No, we're fine.

"Fine" is not the F-word
I want to hear.

[Both laugh]

Okay, out, out, out.

I'm getting up and out.

- There we go.
- You kinda k*lled the mood.

Yeah!

Okay, you're going to witness in me

a complete lack of embarrassment,

a lack of shame,

an ownership of my experience.

And it binds two people
like nothing else.

Here it comes.

Here what comes? Where is it?

- Oh... What are you doing?!
- Ahh!

- It's called reverse totem pole.
- What?

Now, I do have crippling vertigo,

so I can't stay up here for too long.

Then why would you do this at all?

Place your tongue across my perineum.

It's the sexual DMZ of erogenous zones.

That sounds amazing.

Now, once you've engorged the area,

let your tongue wander
over to heaven's doorbell.

But God's not expecting
company, so you gotta ring.

Now, I like a predictable rhythm.

- Have you ever been in a drum circle?
- No. Get down.

I like the African djembe b*at.

In threes.

Gak-Ga-Ga, gak-Ga-Ga, gak-Ga-Ga.

Gak-Ga-Ga-Ga-get down.
Get down. Get down.

- God!
- Oh!

Okay, Robin. Your turn.

- Okay.
- No. Babe, it's too slippery.

Just stay there. I'm gonna get a towel.

- Just spread 'em for stability.
- What?

Then I can better get at your taint.

- Okay, here we go again.
- No, no, no...

[Bone cracks][Yells]

Ah-ha-aaaaaaaah!

I knew you were flexible.

I tore my taint!

Ow!

I ripped it wide open!

[Sobbing] Ow!

[Mellow guitar music playing]

♪

Hey.

Good afternoon,

and welcome to the Sweet Suites
by Swiff Sway...

Swift Stay. I apologize for that.

That's the first time
I've ever mispronounced that.

Nate Parker. What room is he in?

I'm sorry, I'm not at liberty

to give out guest information.

If you'd like to use the courtesy phone

right over there,

an operator may be happy to assist you.

♪

- [Bang]
- Oh, God.

Sorry about that.

Didn't mean to do that.

[Scooter beeping]

[Telephone ringing]

♪

You gonna answer that?

[Ringing continues]

♪

Good afternoon. Guest services.
How may I direct your call?

Yes, what room is
Nate Parker in, please?

- One moment, please.
- Give me Nate Parker!

Excuse me, ma'am. I'm on the phone.

♪

I apologize for that outburst, ma'am.

So, it looks like
he hasn't checked in yet.

May I be of service with anything else?

[Receiver slams]

Oh, my God.

Why didn't you call a hospital truck

when you were showering and changing?

Oh, holy sh*t,

my anus is leaking out of my ass hole.

[Groans]

♪

[Distorted] You suck.

[Distorted] You bitch.

- [Normal voice] No, no, no!
- Where you going?

Parking garage.
Valet's gonna take too long.

- What?!
- Hey, get back in your truck

and cut 'em off at the parking garage.

Go. Go!

♪

They usually give out
free cookies here.

Where all the cookies at?

Hey, can I get some free cookies?

- Oh!
- Oh!

- [Pans clatter]
- [Groans]

Oh, my God, I knew you guys...

[Groans]

- [Screams]
- Oh, sh*t!

We should put her on the cart, too.

[Bernadette sobs]

[Muffled] All right, now that I'm full,

time to go save B.J. [Chuckles]

- [Clunk]
- Oh... Agh.

Well, who put that there?

♪

[Moans]

sh*t. Where did we park?

I told you. We valeted.

God, just get us to a hospital.

♪

[Groans]

- What?
- I'm just gonna...

- What do you want?
- Give me this.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I want
to have sex right now.

Oh, I knew you wanted to have sex.

♪

[Door handle rattles]

Get him! Get him!

Get him!

♪

Babe? Babe, what are you doin'?

Hey, what you...

[Yelps]

♪

Oh, sh*t! Ahh! Jesus!

[Whimpers]

♪

[Mutters indistinctly]

I can't believe
we're gonna survive this.

♪

Oh, sh*t. Go!

Out of the way!

Out of the way! Out of the way!

[Bang, metal creaks]

- [Both groan]
- sh*t.

- Bernadette: Eugh.
- Agh!

God.

- Ah, you okay?
- Yeah.

Oh, this is just like
that movie "Crash."

We should totally do it right now.

What? No. Get off of me.

[Tires screech]

Aah!

Nate: sh*t.

What is happening?!

[Panting]

[Groans]

- Why are you here?
- Babe, are you okay?

"Babe"?

Excuse me, you crazy bitch.

Excuse me, you crazy bitch.

[Shotgun cocks]

- Ha-ha!
- Whoa! Whoa!

What are you doing?!

Gettin' our reward for that B.J.

Moron, B.J.'s standing
right beside you, okay?

This is Robin. Put the g*n down.

Nate, look at me. I am your wife.

If she were me, she would know
that we're not married.

And she would have also known
her life partner's phone number.

- And birthday.
- And his middle name.

It's Paul. I told you that.

- It's Patrick.
- I knew that.

Shut up! You did not!

Let me see identification.

I don't have anything! She took it all!

She cut her hair. She took my clothes.

She took everything.

Holy sh*t, your sister is nuts.

Let's just get out of here.

Nate, look at me.

Ask me anything.

We've been together for a lifetime.
Ask me anything only I would know.

- When's your birthday?
- We're twins.

I... What's your dad's name?

We have the same dad!
What's with the idiot questions?

I'm sorry, my taint is broken, okay?

This lady has third-degree soup burns.

These guys are practically dead.

Sorry I'm not thinking too straight.

Nate, look at me.

I love you so much.

It's me. Robin.

Nate.

♪

♪ Don't let us die ♪

♪ Or live a lie forever ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ And you can try ♪

♪ But you'll never find
a love that's better ♪

♪ A love that's better ♪

sh*t.

I didn't sleep with her.

- I...
- [g*nsh*t]

- Ohh!
- Ooh.

Jesus Christ.

What kind of man doesn't
recognize his own wife?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Yeah, and just for the record,
this man has better judgment than you.

Did you just k*ll her?

No, she's fine.
He just bean-bagged her.

Yeah. Trust me.
She's done way worse to me.

Hey, did she cut my hair?

Eugh! sh*t! Ooh!

Holy sh*t.

That's your brain. Put the flap down.

No, d... Agh!

What? It's brain.

Oh, nah. I just need my shaping helmet.

We have all got to get to a hospital!

I could walk it off. If I could walk.

What?

- What did he say?
- What?

♪

- [Snoring]
- Jared: Uh-huh.

No, oh, sure, that all sounds
really believable.

A twin sister no one's
ever heard of before

kidnapped you and broke your taint?

Look, just 'cause some crazy stuff
has happened to our family in the past

doesn't mean you have to lie to me
to avoid spending time with me.

You could say you and Mom wanted
some time alone to bang or something.

That might believe.

- [Receiver slams]
- I'm out.

This family's stories
are just getting implausible.

I mean, what kind of hijinks are
they gonna get us into next?

God, I'm gonna have to shower to
rinse all the stupid off of me.

[Door slams]

So stupid.

[Screams]

- [Screams]
- [Screams]

[Both scream]

What are you doing here?!

This is where I shower!

- For how long?!
- A year!

Did you not see the steam?!

I thought it was Nana's smoke!

What the hell?!

- Wh-What do we do now?
- Get out!

Oh, okay. Uh, good idea.

Uh, despite all this,
it was still good seeing you.

- Get out!
- Okay! I'm sorry!

♪