12x06 - Beach, Please

[bunniefuu]

All right, beach clean-up people.

The first ever Wagstaff Volunteer Day

is about to begin.

I just gave this little
speech to the sidewalk

gum-scrapers, but
I'll say it again here.

Yes, all of this was my idea.

One day I drove past
a busload of prisoners

picking up trash and I thought,

"What about that, but
for schoolchildren?"

And Wagstaff Mandatory
Volunteer Day was born.

Wow, I'm glad you didn't
drive by something way worse.

Like a CrossFit.

Everyone stay in line.

I'll be right back, I
just have to go potty.

Maybe I shouldn't volunteer that info.

Hmm? (CHUCKLES) All right, whatever.

Beach clean-up, huh, guys?

Did we pick the best activity or what?

Uh, yeah, duh.

Do you think it'll be like
cleaning up at the restaurant?

Because I am pretty good at that.

I mean, it's not more
greasy after you clean.

Sucks to be those kids.

They waited too long and
now they have to shelve

books at the public library.

Ew. Ew to books, ew to all of it.

I mean, public library could be cool.

Yeah, the library has magazines.

Maybe we should've
picked the library, Zeke.

- Nah, J-Ju.
- I'm second-guessing.

Look at me. Stay strong, girl.

Guys, it's no contest.

This beach clean-up is
literally a day at the beach.

♪ ♪

High-five, pelican, high-five.

Okay, everyone, load up.

Nothing beats doing good while
not doing much, huh, guys?

Should we send our jacket
sizes to the Nobel Prize people?

I assume the winners get jackets?

LINDA: Okay, Teddy.

- See you soon.
- What was that about?

Teddy called to say he's almost here.

So, now he calls to
tell us he's coming in?

Yeah, he says he's coming
in to eat, and also get ready

- for something exciting.
- Oh, God. What could that mean?

If I wanted exciting, I would've gone

to the falafel place for lunch.

They have a very large fish t*nk.

You know, Teddy hasn't
been in in like two weeks.

I hope he didn't join a cult.

I mean, it's amazing he's gone
this long without joining one.

- What the... ?
- What's happening?

Bob. Linda. You're
there, probably, right?

- It's me. Teddy. Oof.
- Hi, Teddy.

- Oh. Hello, Mort.
- Teddy, why are you doing that?

'Cause of the surprise.
You're gonna love it.

Wait, is Mort sitting on my stool?

- No...
- Teddy.

Just give us the surprise
before you break something, okay?

You asked for it. Ta-da.

- Whoa.
- I know, right?

- You grew a mustache?
- Freddie Mercury, meet Teddy Mercury.

Always got to bring it back
to a dead person, huh, Mort?

What? No. Do I do that?

- So what do you think?
- I like it.

- It's good. It's facial hair.
- Thanks.

Guess I'll be ordering
burgers for two from now on.

Huh, Bobby? (LAUGHS)

Uh, yep. Could you stop stroking it?

- It's-it's hard to watch.
- Yeah. Little bit.

- Sorry, sorry.
- Thanks.

- How do you not touch it, you know?
- Mm.

Uh-oh. I'm doing it again, aren't I?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm, yep.

Is everyone excited about
helping their community?

When I say "helping,"
you say "my community."

Helping.

Can we be the ones who say "helping"?

Yeah, I want to say "helping."

- What? No.
- Helping.

Don't... I did not authorize that, Zeke.

Helping. Wait, what are we doing?

Okay, never mind. Sit
quietly, we're almost there.

Mm, we are gonna look
so good picking up trash.

We're gonna look amazing in
our selfies. Of ourselves.

We're gonna inspire so many
less hot people to pick up trash.

You already inspired me to
want to jump out the window

while the bus is moving.

And we're here. Everybody out.

Get ready for an easy,
breezy beach day, people.

You said it, sister.

Oh.

Are those underpants
tangled in fishing line?

(STAMMERING) Don't touch those.

- Oh, no.
- Biggest cleaning challenge ever?

Meet Tina. We're gonna
get along just fine.

No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, listen up, you will sort all trash

into recyclables, non-recyclables,

and a third category
we'll call "unspeakables."

Which brings me to gloves.
Trust me, wear the gloves.

Gimme, gimme, gimme! These make it seem

like I'm really doing this.

You are doing this.

- Right.
- Okay, get to it.

If you need me, I'll be over
there, watching like a hawk

but also making a quick
call to the cable company.

I'm somehow being charged
for three cable boxes.

Has that happened to any of you? No?

- (WIND BLOWING)
- (ALL CLAMORING)

It's a filthy cold garbage beach.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

I was gonna high-five a pelican.

More fishing line undies.

What's with these fish
losing their underwear?

What the heck was I thinking?

I live here. I forgot how
horrible our town is. Blech.

Are you sure you're not
just excited about how fun

and difficult this is gonna be?

Oh, hey, look, a hermit
crab. Fun already.

Cool crab fact, they're
not actually hermits.

- They're pretty social.
- This is no time

for your aquarium mumbo jumbo, Tina.

Yeah, enough of your crab-aganda.

They also change their
shells when they outgrow them.

Like me and shoes every two months.

I wish I could change shells.

I'd change into the shell
of a kid who didn't have

to clean this friggin' beach.

Oh, shell yes.

Question about my bill.

Question. About. My bill.

Am I not saying that clearly?

I told you I don't have any food.

Looks like you made a friend, Gene.

I guess I drop a lot of food

when I come to Wonder Wharf
and the gulls have noticed.

I don't have anything right now.

- Don't look at me like that.
- Ugh. Soda cups. Paper plates.

- This is all stuff from Wonder Wharf.
- JIMMY JR.: Look, Zeke.

The wrapper for a foot-long taco dog.

Oh, man, that's making me hungry.

Comes with that chunky
cheese dippin' sauce.

Mmm, chunky.

Give me the wrapper.
I want to smell it.

And the seagull also wants to smell it.

I just put it in my trash bag.

Ah, fine. He's got nothing for us.

- Hey, Mickey.
- Bunny Ears.

Are you small or are you just far away?

Both. Hey, you still
work at the wharf, right?

Yep, until my ship comes in.

- I applied to work on a ship.
- Why aren't Wonder Wharf people

picking up all this Wonder Wharf trash?

I don't know. Ask Mr. Fischoeder.

- He's right next to you.
- Ooh. Yes, he is. Hi.

Please stop badgering my employee.

Carnies are delicate creatures.

Interaction with the
outside world confuses them.

- Hi, Mr. Fischoeder.
- Hi, whichever one you are.

You're late, I assume. Go to work.

Quick, but have fun.

Ah, the lovely, stinky ocean.

Just out for my daily salt-stitutional.

Salty sea air keeps me
well-preserved, like a ham hock.

Mr. Fischoeder. Look at this.

All this trash is from Wonder Wharf.

And now I have to pick
it up because school is

making me because they're monsters.

Now, now, there's no way to
know where that trash comes from.

It could be from anywhere.

"From the desk of Calvin Fischoeder."

It's a very common name.

How do I know it's not from your desk?

Maybe you're Calvin Fischoeder.

Anyway, thanks for all
the free child labor.

It's the best kind of labor, after all.

You're not welcome. I
mean, shouldn't you be

paying to clean this up?

Some would say so, but people keep

volunteering to do it for me.

School groups, do-gooders.
You know, squares.

Now excuse me, I have to de-salt

before I attend to my wharf duties.

Mmm. Yes, I might
have overdone it today.

Hmm, wait. If volunteers like us

didn't clean the beach,
then nobody would?

And everyone would blame you and be mad?

I don't like where this is going.

I think what I need is some
motivation, like, I don't know,

a free foot-long taco dog?

Now, if I gave you an FLTD,

I'd have to give one to everyone.

Well... yeah. So, how 'bout it?

(GROANS) You're a pesky
garbage urchin, aren't you?

Does that mean yes?

Whoa-ho, volunteering is rewarding.

Okay, Jocelyn, and make a face like,

"Oh, my God, I'm doing a good thing

and I don't even care who sees."

- Got it.
- Great.

Um, you kind of just dropped
that trash back on the beach

after you took your
picture... Maybe you want

- to just pop that in your bag?
- Don't be a bag nag, Tina.

Yeah. My bag's clean.
I don't want to get trash on it.

Everyone. Attention?

I just wanted to let you know
that I convinced Mr. Fischoeder

to give us free foot-long taco dogs

- if we clean the beach.
- (KIDS CHEERING)

Um, is that all?

What do you mean, "is that all?"

It's free foot-long taco dogs, Tammy,

that you were not getting
before, but now you are.

I mean, cleaning a whole
beach for some hot dogs?

It's a foot-long taco dog!

Don't call it a hot dog.

Show some respect.

I'm telling her that. I know you know.

Tammy's right... it is a
lot of work for just that.

I mean, we're supposed
to clean the beach anyway.

Yeah, but not for nothing.

That's what volunteering is.

Um, don't think so.

Okay, I'll be the negotiator.

Ugh! It's easy, you just say

"no, better, no, better" until you have

the biggest bedroom in the house.

What? No. I can handle it.

That was just... round one, people.

Of course we're gonna go bigger.

I'll, uh, go back for
round two right now.

Wait, Louise, maybe
we should use this time

to actually, I don't
know, clean up the beach?

And what about Mr. Frond?

I do not want the Sports
and Extreme Outdoors Package.

I just want to watch premium
dramas on one cable box

and pay for just the
one cable box, Derek!

Okay, he's a little distracted.

Tina, this is good for the beach.

Because we get stuff.
The beach is happy when we're happy.

-What?
-You get it. Okay, see you later.

Mm, you've still got it,
Bob. Haven't lost a step.

You mean in the two
weeks you were weirdly

not coming here because
you were growing a mustache?

- Mmm. Yeah.
- What's that?

- It's my grooming kit.
- Looks fancy.

The guy at the shaving
store sold it to me.

Just the basics... clippers,
oils, combs, shampoos.

My 'Stache Cash card.

That's their Mustache Rewards program.

How much did you pay for all that?

- bucks.
- Wow.

- You don't use this stuff, Bob?
- Uh, no.

Okay, walk me through
your mustache regimen.

I guess I get food out of
it when there's food in it?

- And... ?
- I think that's about it.

Oof. Well, now we're
in this together, pal.

Pretty soon, we'll be
trading mustache advice,

keeping a mustache log that
we only show each other.

- Mm, mm-hmm.
- Better go floss this thing.

You floss yours?

- You want to join?
- I'm-I'm good.

Uh, you're not, but okay.

Huh. Felix, too?

She's gonna be here this
afternoon to take pictures.

Do you really think she can
make this junky old wharf

look like a hot tourist attraction?

Sonya's the best at
photographing the worst.

She could make Chernobyl
look like Cher-yes-byl.

It won't be easy,
especially this time of year.

Sonya said this time of
year's better actually?

Fewer people on the wharf.

Yes, people can be an eyesore.

- Not you. You're fine.
- Don't worry.

She's gonna give us something
great for the pamphlet.

Ah, pamphlets to display
at hotels and airports...

The lifeblood of any two-bit
circus and roadside attraction.

Someday we'll have a nice pamphlet.
Maybe this is our year.

Look, we'll even have an
actually sort of clean beach.

- LOUISE: Well, well, well.
- (BOTH GASP)

Sounds like you really
need the beach clean, huh?

Is someone getting

their amusement park
picture taken today?

We are. We were literally
just talking about that.

Felix, hush.

We might be able to spruce up that sand.

But, uh, it's gonna take
more than foot-long taco dogs.

But they're a foot long.

I mean, we've tried to
get them longer than that,

but it doesn't work.

They sag. It's unsightly.

I was thinking... a
free day at Wonder Wharf.

For me and every kid cleaning the beach.

- Snack-inclusive.
- Fine.

If you de-trashify the beach thoroughly

from dead sea creature to sleeping guy,

within your allotted volunteer hours,

I'll give you and your friends
a free day on the wharf.

Yes, I guess that's manageable.

Uh, and you shut the place down for us.

No lines, no waiting,
the full Willy Wonka.

The full Willy Wonka?

- Whoa.
- It's never been done.

It goes against the whole idea
of making money with a business.

Okay, forget it. Hope your
pictures turn out real pretty

- with all that garbage blowing around.
- (SIGHS)

Very well, you win,
annoying burger child.

- Wait, really? Yes!
- Seriously?

Hmm, she does look like a burger.

Listen up! I just got us the best prize

of our sweet little lives.

Uh, as my dad says to me

whenever I ask to borrow
his angora sweater...

Yeah, right.

Trust me, you're gonna like this.

Clean. Oh, yeah. Clean. Clean. Clean.

Free day on the wharf.
Free day on the wharf.

Come on, Jocelyn. Pick up the pace.

Yeah, Jocelyn. I don't want
to see any slack in that sack.

God!

Don't just stand there
looking righteous.

If you want to be my plus-one

on the wharf, you're
gonna have to earn it.

Wow, Louise. I think
we're actually gonna do it.

The beach is almost
not covered in trash.

Do you think it feels naked?
Should we toss a shirt on it?

Well, you did it, Louise.

We're getting the full Willy Wonka.

Wait, one of us gets to own
the park at the end of the day?

No. Okay, it's a three-quarter Wonka.

- It's a Willy Wonk.
- Wait, is that Mickey?

TINA: Mr. Fischoeder makes
him boogie-board holding bags?

Is that to entertain the tourists?

- I'm into it.
- Hmm.

Keep cleaning, I'll be back.

I'm gonna see what Mickey
Wetsuit over there is up to.

Boy, Teddy's been in the
bathroom for a while, huh?

He's been in and out of
there, like, five times.

He's playing with his
mustache. I know it.

Oh, Bob, so what? He likes grooming it.

You know, you could
stand to give your bushel

- a brushing now and then.
- Hmm.

Hey, Bob, when you
scratch your mustache,

does your leg bounce?

What is that, some kinda reflex?

That doesn't happen to me... or anybody.

Hey, what do you do
with the hairs that fall

out of your mustache? Do you
put 'em in a little velvet sack?

Ooh!

Okay, Teddy, let's have
a mustache talk time-out.

Uh, okay, but real quick, time in.

- I-I called time out.
- Yeah, and I called time in.

- We each get three.
- What?

Hey, before I forget, do
you do anything special

in the bathtub to pamper your mustache?

I have to go, um... away from here.

- Bye.
- So this is your second time-out?

Or we're on your first?

Mickey. How's the surf? Up?

Oh, hey.

Yeah, just out here doing
some boarding, boogie-style.

Aren't you supposed to be working?
Also what's with the bag?

Oh, this? It's all my boogie gear.

- Looks like trash.
- Well, that's 'cause you don't know

much about the boogie lifestyle.

Wait a minute... Did
Mr. Fischoeder send you

to trash the beach at the last minute,

so he wouldn't have to give us
the three-quarter Willy Wonka?

- Uh...
- He did, didn't he, Mickey?

- Didn't he?
- (GROANS) How'd you know?

Was it the whole "darting
away when you saw me" thing?

I knew that looked suspicious.

I've always been terrible
at darting. You mad?

Yeah, I'm mad. What
was the plan? Spill it.

After the photographer
takes her pictures,

I'm supposed to wait for the signal,

then spread trash on the beach.

What's the signal?

Felix is gonna shriek
like a scared peacock.

It's the only animal sound he knows.

(GROANS) So unfair!

I know, poor guy. I should teach him

how to moo... oh, or oink.

Anyway, let's never
lie to each other again.

But, uh, don't tell
anybody we talked, okay?

- Bob. Bob.
- Yeah?

Mind if I bring up a ticklish subject?

Your mustache. Get it?

'Cause it tickles? Eh...

But, seriously, I'm looking at you

and I'm seeing a dry mustache.

A real lip loofah.

I can't do this anymore, Teddy.

I can't talk about this anymore.

- Bob...
- No, Linda, it's too much.

This is too much. I-It's
fine that you have a mustache.

But we have to talk
about other things, Teddy.

There's a whole world out there.

Oh, you know what I think
this is? You're jealous.

Suddenly you're not
the only mustache guy.

I'm not jealous!

There's a hot new mustache on the scene,

and Bob can't stand it!

Huh, Bob? You can't stand it!

'Cause I got one of these now.

- That's ridiculous, Teddy!
- Oh, is it?!

Calm down, both of ya.
You're acting like babies.

- Hairy babies.
- Fine.

Bring me my bill and
I will be on my way.

Aah! Tangle.

So I had to touch garbage
and I got sand on my leg,

and it was all for nothing?

I got sand on my leg, too.

At least tell me there
will be foot-long taco dogs!

I promised the seagull.

Look, I'm sorry. It's stupid Fischoeder.

But, hey, the beach is cleaner,
which is the whole reason

we came here today, so yay?

And it's not a big deal,
but I cleaned the most.

Not that that makes me a
better person or anything.

I wasn't even thinking
about that. (CHUCKLES)

ZEKE: Hey, look at that.

Poor little thing's
living out of a foot-long

taco dog dippin' sauce cup.

We never thought about
the dark side of the dog.

He must've gotten confused
at shell-changing time.

This beach is usually
so covered in garbage

he doesn't know what's
a shell and what's not.

This is most I've ever been
disappointed in dipping sauce.

He's never gonna be able
to get a hermit crab job

or a hermit crab date.
Not looking like that.

See? This is why we clean the beach.

- So this guy can find his soul mate.
- Wait. That's it.

What? We do The Bachelor, but for crabs?

- And we make this right?
- Oh, my God, yes!

No, this little guy's gonna get us

all the way to the three-quarter Wonka.

- Tammy, I need your phone.
- Hey!

Do you want a three-quarter
Wonka day or not?

- (GROANS)
- Hey, crab, say cheese.

GENE: But not "chunky
cheese dipping sauce."

Because you're probably
sensitive about that.

Okay, little garbage crab,
you're our golden ticket.

- How do you find a crab's best angle?
- (GROANS) Let me.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Mm, that one's cute, use that one.

But you're in the...
(GROANS) Good enough.

Looks like Fischoeder's
special guest is here.

I'll be right back.

Here you go. Hope you like food.

Uh, thank you.

Lin, did you just say,
"I hope you like food"?

What? I try stuff out.

- Oh, no.
- I'm shaving it!

I'm shaving it off!

Teddy, what are you talking about?

- I'm shaving off the mustache.
- (CLIPPERS BUZZING)

It's a hairy curse.

- It's tearing us apart.
- Teddy, stop!

Don't do that. I mean,
do it if you want.

Just not in our restaurant.

I could, uh, uh, put a bus tub

underneath to catch the hairs.

Linda, no, don't encourage him.

Get the bus tub, Linda. I'm gonna do it.

- Hello, sir. How are you?
- Sorry about this, sir.

We're best friends. We're
going through a thing.

Friends having mustache
troubles, you know.

It's not mustache troubles. Teddy, stop!

Do you want to know
why I grew this thing?

No, I don't.

Because I thought we could bond over it.

And I thought we could
use a little bonding

right about now,
considering what happened.

What? Wh-What happened?

I don't even know what
you're talking about.

Remember a few weeks ago when I told you

the "It Takes Gouda to
Make a Thing Go Rye" burger

- wasn't my favorite?
- I don't really remember.

Oh, sure you do. After
that you got all quiet.

Short one-word responses.

I missed us. I needed to do something.

Teddy, I wasn't mad. I think I might

not have even been listening to you.

Teddy, give me the clippers.

No. This thing's got to go right now.

I brought it into this
world, and I can take it out.

No, Teddy, keep it. It looks... great.

I'm sorry I was annoyed that
you were talking about it.

And constantly combing it.

And constantly going into the bathroom

to play with it so, so many times.

Well, if you weren't mad at
me about the Burger of the Day,

truth is, I don't
really want this thing.

It's itchy, and I don't
think it really suits my face.

Right? Am I right, sir?

I-I can't tell. Hold your finger up?

- See?
- Yeah. Maybe no mustache.

- It's coming off.
- Fine, but maybe not here, please?

Okay, okay. I'll do it at home.

Anyone want to give it
a touch before it's gone?

- Bob?
- Bob, touch it.

Touch his mustache.

Oh, okay, fine.

Huh. It's really silky.

Hey, Bob, I want you to have this.

Oh. Thank you, Teddy.

And just pay me whatever
you think is fair.

It doesn't have to be the full .

I don't want to pay anything for it.

FISCHOEDER: What a sh*t.

You can barely see the
seagull poop on the railings.

- Yeah, it's your best angle.
- It really is.

- Mr. Fischoeder?
- Oh, hello,

Mr. Little Girl.

Well, we cleaned the whole beach.

So, I guess you owe us
a free day at the park.

I'll need to check your work.

I have a feeling you missed some spots.

Oh, are you talking about Mickey
and his secret trash stash?

"Trash stash"?

- Whatever could you mean?
- Over there.

FISCHOEDER: All I see
is a shy boogie-boarder

darting behind a pole.

Sonya, what do you think?
Do we have what we need?

- Are we pamphlet-ready?
- I'd say so.

Then, Felix? Peacock?

(FELIX SQUAWKING)

Oh, no, look at that.

Well, you know what they say.

Trashy beach, prize out of reach.

- First of all, fun rhyme.
- Thank you, I know.

Second of all, looks like you
got a real nice picture there.

But so did I.

And if you don't stick to our deal,

the world's gonna see this.

A selfie of a heavily made-up teen?

No, the hermit crab behind her?

With the Wonder Wharf-branded
foot-long taco dog

cheesy chunk dipping sauce
container for a shell.

- Hmm.
- Yeah. I'm gonna crop out Tammy,

and I'm gonna put this
picture on all the social media

I can figure out how to get on.

And people are gonna
get real crabby about it.

People get really upset about
sad animals who live in trash.

Especially if they're cute.

How cute is that crab?
Let me see it again?

Ooh, he's pretty cute.

Well, that's some terrific
blackmail, young lady.

- I know. Good.
- I have no choice but to act.

I mean, a thing like this
could be bad for my bottom line.

Your butt cr*ck? Oh! Got it.

But shutting down the
wharf for a whole day,

so you and your buddies
can get your jollies

eating my lollies,
that costs a lot, too.

- It does.
- Okay, fine.

Starting today, I'm going to pay

my carnie folk to clean the beach.

Yeah, you will. Wait, what?

If your sad crab goes viral,
I'll just say we jumped

into action the moment we
became aware of the situation,

and just look at our carnies clean.

Hmm? With such gusto.

- But...
- Felix, would you be a plucky peacock,

and tell Mickey to clean
up the trash he just threw?

- (FELIX SQUAWKING)
- Huh?

- He'll figure it out.
- Aah!

No, it's not like that. It's like this.

(SQUAWKING)

At least Mr. Fischoeder
gave us foot-long taco dogs.

Yep, this thing's filling a
foot-long hole in my heart.

Even though these are
the -inch long rejects.

I should've negotiated. We could, like,

own a roller coaster right now.

I would take it, like, everywhere.

(GROANS) I blew it. No
three-quarters Wonka.

Not even a wee Wonk.

Louise, in your sort-of-selfish,

sort-of-thoughtful, mostly-selfish way,

you did a really good thing today.

That beach is gonna
be clean from now on.

I mean, maybe not totally
clean. Mickey doesn't seem

to be very good at picking up trash.

Whoops. Whoops.

But maybe now there
won't be any more crabs

like Saucy on the beach.

Saucy? You named it?

Zeke did. I think they're pen pals now.

- Well, thanks, Tina.
- No problem.

Hey, Gene, what happened
to your seagull stalker?

I think he forgot about
me. Too bad for him.

I would've let him have
a little bit of dog.

- (ALL GASPING, CLAMORING)
- Drive! Drive!

♪ Mustache ♪

♪ Mustache love ♪

- ♪ Got to have that love ♪
- ♪ Got to have that ♪

- ♪ Mustache ♪
- ♪ Mustache love ♪

♪ Mustache ♪

- ♪ Mustache love ♪
- ♪ Mustache ♪

♪ Got to have that love ♪

♪ Mustache love ♪

- ♪ Wax our love ♪
- ♪ Smooth ♪

- ♪ Trim our love ♪
- ♪ Trim it up ♪

♪ Twirl our love 'cause it's ♪

- ♪ Mustache love ♪
- ♪ Mustache love ♪

- ♪ Mustache ♪
- ♪ Mustache ♪

- ♪ Mustache love ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Got to have that love ♪
- ♪ Got to have it ♪

- ♪ Mustache love ♪
- ♪ Mustache love, mustache. ♪