02x03 - Virginity

[bunniefuu]

You're watching "Say,

How the Heck Do They Make Tambourines?"

I can't wait 'til they tell us...

- how they put the skin on.
- Adding the jiggly things.

- It's the best part.
- Hey, Gene...

- No.
- I wish I could play catch up...

Not necessary.

This cool cat in the corner
over here has been telling me...

about La Tomatina in Spain.

It's the world's largest tomato fight.

I'm very much the audience
for that conversation...

and I still want you to go away.

I'll get you the
particulars A-S-A-possible.

(PHONE VIBRATES)

Is there a Wilhemina Brown here?

- Oh, I'm Wilhe-beena Brown.
- You sure?

You didn't even say the name right.

Yeah... who cares?

It's... It's illegal
to open someone else's mail.

[BLEEP] it.

I don't care.

I don't care about a lot of things.

- Do you have any Advil?
- No.

Do you know where the
nearest emergency room is?

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

Then why are you going to the...

- Ew.
- You have a good day.

Jesus... that's heavy.

All right, what do we got here?

Six paychecks... Bifunkles catalog...

Crockpot!

U.S. Navy... the cargo pants store?

TERRY: "Dear Wilhelmina.

It's your old school chum, Terry.

I know it's been forever
since we've spoken.

I have a confession to make.

I know we swore we'd lose
our sexual innocence...

to one another, once I returned...

but it's been many years
since we parted and...

I've made love to another...

a lady sailor coincidentally
also named Terry.

I write to free you
from our pact to stay 'intact.'

Please forgive me.
Your childhood pal, Terry".

Jesus, Mary and Joe Jonas.

My ride-or-die bitch
has never been ridden?

My road dawg has never been raw-dawged?

My urchin is a virchin?
Can it be, Billie is a virgin?

Oh, Gene, there you are!

I'm organizing my
bookshelf by ROYGBIV...

and I can't figure out
where to put dear "Gatsby."

Tell me,
would you consider this a violet...

or an indigo, Old Sport?

I see it now.

Slow down, Larry Crowne!
I have questions!

Look, I just want to get
to the accounting office...

before they close and deal with
these expired paychecks, so...

I'm not talking paychecks!

I'm talking about the fact
that you never told me that...

a fickle seaman never gave
you his pickle or his semen.

Is that true?

I mean, I specifically
requested direct deposit!

Wait, we're not going anywhere
'til you tell me if that's real.

Look, it's no big deal, okay?

We were young and we'd saw
too many romantic movies.

- Let me be your Seth Rogen.
- What?

- " -Year-Old Virgin", duh.
- I'm not !

?

- ?
- [BILLIE] Stop going higher!

!

Billie!

Billie, will you slow down?
I'm so tired of exercising!

I have an important question to ask you.

If I hadn't read your mail,
would you have told me?

- No.
- What?

You answered that so quickly!

You probably would pressure
me to lose it under some...

arbitrary time constraint
like in some teen movie...

where everyone has curly
hair and it's fine.

Look, I get it.
All right, it's like the dentist.

The longer you wait to go,
the more you fear the drill.

Yeah, that's why I go to a
dentist that gives nitrous...

and hand massages and plays
"Hope Floats"...

while you get your teeth cleaned.

So you're scared.

Let me be your weird
inappropriate hand massages.

Let me be your "Hope Floats!"

I get to be Harry Connick Jr.
'cause I'm the most handsome.

- No, thank you.
- Then it is settled!

By the stroke of midnight tonight...

I vow that you will be stroked
by midnight... tonight.

This is exactly what I don't want.
No "help," Gene.

Goodbye.

Stroke of midnight.

Oh, uh, can I help you?

Yeah, I um,
got these paychecks in the mail.

Mm-hm, is there a problem with them?

Yeah, there's a problem with them.

I've been waiting for these paychecks...

for a really long time!

If I'd known I'd be waiting so long...

I probably could have
gotten paychecks elsewhere!

I didn't, though!
Because when you make a contract...

with someone,
you're supposed to keep it.

- That's okay.
- No, I'll he...

- Is it, uh...
- I just...

You know, maybe... maybe Gene was right!

- Maybe I waited so long...
- These are all in order.

to doing it, it just became an excuse...

to avoid it with anyone else.

So what?! I'm a normal person!

Well, you need one of
these direct deposit slips.

Oh, right. If that's cool, I'll just...

- Sorry, I... oh.
- This is chaos.

Is this... Hello?

I don't think it rang.

Ask Hedra to make fliers
for Billie's virginity.

To lose Bill...
To lose Billie's virginity.

Damn it, that's too many words.

- Gene.
- Oh, hey, Jay Lowe!

- There you are.
- Hey!

- Hi.
- Hi.

Wow, you're looking
more and more like...

a handsome vampire every day.

Well, that's the nicest thing
anybody's ever said to me.

Hey, what are friends for?

We were supposed to meet in the bar...
an hour ago?

Right. I'm sorry, my brain is elsewhere.

Well, when I need to be
alone with my thoughts...

I sequester myself in
the campus theater.

Haven't you ever had a friend
that you cared about so much...

that you would do anything for?

Even if it meant doing things...

they didn't know to need to want?

I... I think so.

That's 'cause you get me.

See ya'!

Gene?

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

A strange... new feeling...

Oh, there's my form, um...?

- Jeff... it's Jeff.
- Oh.

Great.

Look, I'm sorry I took my
pique out on you earlier.

- It's totally fine, I get it.
- Oh, you do?

- Sure, yeah.
- Oh.

Hey, you know,
the Campus Activist Coalition...

is hosting a fundraiser for
Indonesian political prisoners..

seeking asylum from
t*rture in Indonesia...

over free speech violations tonight.

Oh?

I don't know if you maybe want to go?

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

- Whoa.
- Oop, sorry.

That's actually my grandpa's urn,
I'll get that.

Oh... it's full of mints.

- Yeah, he had bad breath.
- Oh.

Sorry... about that.

That's quite all right.

Okay.

I think that would be
a great opportunity...

- Great.
- To lose my virginity.

- To lose your virginity?
- Fundraising!

- Fundra...
- Fundraising.

Ahem! Hey, fellas.

Hey, Gene!

Can I have a minute?

Where you been, Dime Back?

You wanna get out there and...
hit them sleds, girl?

- No, I can't today.
- Aw.

I'm here on business, Brian.
I need a favor.

Oh, can we all take a knee?

- Yeah.
- I just think that's cool.

- Yeah, yeah, of course!
- Anything for you, Gene.

Look, I'm in need of a sturdy lover...

for my adult virgin friend.

And I figured, who better than
the most trustworthy dudes...

I know, college athletes?

Gene, you've seen
the posters hanging up...

in the locker room, right?

Yeah, of course.

I mean "Honesty."
"Integrity." "Respect."

Yeah, well,
those aren't just fancy words...

over dope pictures of migratory birds.

Those are the core
values that we live by...

not just as football players,
but as feminists.

Most of the team are
interested in committed...

monogamous relationships.

I mean, is that true for you, Brian?

I'm actually spending
some time dating myself.

Touchdown.

- Hell, yeah.
- Right, Steve?

Plus, Gene, virginity is a construct.

I mean, we all read The Second Sex,
the locus classicus...

- by Simone de Beauvoir, right?
- Yeah, yeah.

And now listen,
I hope you read Naomi Wolf...

and Elizabeth Wurtzel for contrast.

- Oh, yeah.
- Good, good.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

Can it be?

Was it she?

Was it right in front of me?

Could Gene and I be...

[PROP MASTER] Who's down there?

You kids keep your mitts
off my fog machine!

(R & B MUSIC PLAYING)

Jeffrey! Jeff... hm.

Oh, Joof...

You love a slender neck?
What a gentlemanly compliment.

Sex... sexy... Jeff.

Jeff.

Come on... put this here.
Lazy goes there.

- (CALL RINGING)
- Yeah, no, no, no...

I just think you guys
would [BLEEP] beautifully.

Like your d*ck is the train...

and it's pulling into
Penetration Station.

You can bang and hang,
or like dine and dash.

I'm just looking to
get something in there.

For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
no, I totally understand.

Damn it! There's only six hours left!

- (DIALING)
- (CALL RINGING)

(VIBRATING)

Well, I think clogs on a
man can be very... sexy.

Come on! Pick up, pick up, pick up...

Hello.

Billie. Look, turns out the
football team is way too woke.

I'm still going through the phone tree!

There is a mid-career puppet
comedian that's performing...

in the small auditor tonight.

He might be looking for
a little road beef...

I appreciate your help, Gene,
but I can do this myself.

- Yeah, but...
- In fact, I'm going to...

a fundraiser at the
student center tonight...

and I think that all the activism...

may prove to be very... er... erotic.

Totally, totally, totally, but...

Look, I gotta keep getting ready!
Goodbye!

But s... butts!

Sex and butts.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

[WOMAN] Whatever, yeah.

[MAN] I went to West LA.

Hello.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How are you?
- Good, how are you?

- You... You look nice.
- Oh, thank you.

Thanks for coming.

Yeah, I thought it was sort of a
strange idea for a first date...

but I can't think of a
better way to demonstrate...

your passion and com-passion.

I didn't mean to say "cum" just then.

Yeah, I, um... this isn't a date.

Cum again?

Sorry. Come again.

I'll be honest, when I met earlier...

you seemed really hung up
on sex and money and...

But you invited me to the fundraiser.

For Indonesian political
prisoners seeking asylum...

from t*rture in Indonesia over
free speech violations? Yeah.

- Yeah, that... mm-hm.
- Right?

I thought it would give
you some perspective.

I thought it would be good for you.

Oh... okay.

Sorry about that.

_

Can you be here in two hours?

For sex.

- With Billie.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)

Cripes! Already? That was fast.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

"Gene, I think I figured out
what you meant earlier today.

Please meet me at the
campus theater at PM.

And wear this. Durr-Lowe."

Dr. Lowe.

Man, this looks like it could
use a little something extra.

Oh, thank god.

- Hit me.
- Excuse me?

Aren't you spiking the punch?

Oh [BLEEP] come on!

Were you hoping for raspberry?

No, I was hoping...

I'm sorry, I'm just...
I'm having a... a hard night.

Oh, well, you don't have to...

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

We meet again, my sweet.

Oh, my god.

Mm, you look delicious.

Oh, my god.

Ooh, you better save some of those
"Oh my gods" for later.

During coitus, of course.

Brett, what are you doing here?

I would like to throw
my penis into the ring.

And by ring, I mean your innocence.

- What?
- I would be honored...

to make love to you tonight, Billie.

- Gene.
- It's time to do the do.

I would never,
ever have sex with you, okay, Brett?

I would rather die a virgin!

I would rather die a virgin.

- (PHONE VIBRATING)
- Oh.

- Billie!
- Gene, did you call Brett?

Yeah, I know, not my first option,
but he's very prepared.

He already has a condom on.

And there's fliers?!

Yes, okay, but I kept it very discrete!

I just put your first name...

Hang on, my phone's buzzing!

I have "winks"
from an elderly dating app...

called "Penulti-Mates"?!

I went ahead and signed you up for that.

Because of their oldness,
the elderly tend to be sort of...

slow moving and tender lovers!

Sort of like doing it with a snail.

Only it's hot.

Gene, do me a favor...
don't do me any favors! Okay?

So do the favor or don't do the favor.

Don't do the favor!
Gene, please stop helping me!

Billie, wait, wait,
wait, before you go...

How do you wear a... dress?

Hey... you know where these
snacks taste really good?

In my bed?
Is that what you're gonna say, Brett?

No, in the kitchen.
There'd be crumbs all over the bed.

I'm not a crumb monster!

Can I just have
some alone time, please? Okay?

- Fair enough.
- Thank you.

But if you need a shoulder
to snack on, in a dirty way...

Oh, my god!
Look, I may be a pathetic virgin...

but at least
I'm not begging for it! Okay?

Hello?

Jenny from the Block, you here?

- Gene.
- Oh...

- You look so beautiful.
- Thank you.

I can't feel Rizzoli.
That's my left boob.

The right is...

- Isles.
- Yeah. Oh...

- Oh.
- Thanks.

Okay, you can look.

I want to thank you for
coming here tonight.

Oh, no, I'm sorry about blowing you off.

I had my head up my own can.

So have I, I've been a real ass-head.

I just, um...

I've been so obsessed
with helping my friend...

that I forgot about my best
friend in the whole world.

Me.

You see, that's why you're so special.

Because of how much you care for others.

Jay Lowe, what is all of this?

I'm in a dress that
looks like a curtain...

and this place smells like Fatburger.

That's the drama students,
they eat a lot of Fatburgers.

Makes sense.

ANNOUNCER (ON TV) Movies
On The TV now returns...

to Hope Floats.

- You've got to be sh1tting me.
- Rough night?

Yeah, you could say that.

Me, too.
I was rejected by an online virgin.

Ah, okay... mm-hm, mm-hm.

I thought I was clear...

but I guess I have to be Billie Crystal.

You're transparent and not the
good kind with Jeffrey Tambor.

As long as you know that I
can get and do sex just fine.

Then why do you need Gene to get
you old men off the internet?

You're Billie?

Bitch!

Look, I don't need Gene or
Grandpa's help with all this.

Oh, what a relief!

- Yeah... you know.
- Relief.

- It is... so relieving.
- Yeah.

I brought you here tonight...

because I have something
special to tell you.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

What is it?

I'm going to sing to you.

Okay.

♪ Last night I asked the skies
above to send me moonbeams ♪

♪ Sunlight stars but also love ♪

♪ I woke to find it's true ♪

♪ That I have all but one
thing darling and that's you ♪

♪ If I could have but one last
wish I'd ask for moonbeams ♪

♪ Sunlight stars and just one kiss ♪

- Oh!
- Oh, jeez!

- I would never make-out with you.
- Yeah.

♪ Once in a lifetime love ♪

- [BILLIE] Careful.
- [BRETT] Okay.

♪ Once in a blue moon romance ♪

[BRETT] Red rubber flying in!

[BILLIE] Yeah, I'd like to be safe.

♪ Needle in a haystack school crush ♪

♪ And this place smells like Fatburger ♪

- Mm.
- This is good.

♪ So now we know it's true ♪

[BRETT] I'm gettin' deep in there!

[BILLIE] Did you rip my tights?

♪ That all the moonbeams
sunlight stars mean ♪

[BRETT] I'm really enjoying
being inside of you.

[BILLIE] Yeah,
I'm having a good time, thank you.

♪ I love you ♪

[BRETT] Whoa! Penis Apocalypse!

[BILLIE] You're welcome.

- [BRETT] Thank you.
- [BILLIE] Yeah.

Oh, Dr. Lowe!

I never knew I had these
kinds of feelings for you!

Neither did I!

I never knew I had these
kinds of feelings at all!

Neither did I!

Maybe it's because you're a
teacher and I'm a student!

Oh, I totally forgot about that.

(CLOCK CHIMES)

The stroke of midnight!

What does it mean?

[PROP MASTER] My fog machine!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

This latte tastes different today.

Richer. Fuller.

Oh, no, it is not okay.

You don't tip a barista once...

and they think it's okay
to blow in your joe.

Gene, um, I want to apologize to you.

No, no, no,
I want to apologize to you, okay?

I'm really sorry that I was
trying to auction off...

your maidenhood to... well, everyone.

Football players, Chinese restaurants...

the oldies, especially the oldies,
I'm sorry about.

Well, for what it's worth,
um, thank you for helping me.

I was pretty hopeless last night,
but it turns out...

I'm amazing at sex.

Which I... I never would have known,
if it weren't for you.

- Boop.
- Sex?

Oh, Billie, are you so blinded
by the pleasures of the flesh?

- Yeah.
- Billie.

Sex, and I hate saying the word even,
because it doesn't matter.

But sex is just two bodies
doing the worm, you know?

- Mm-hm.
- Anyone can have sex.

The real thing that matters...

Can I get two cookies, please?

The real thing that matters is love.

True, natural, majestical,
spiritual love.

I can't see you any more.

I'm sorry, what's that?

I'm a teacher. You're a student.

I have to tender my resignation
for even entertaining it.

- But I brought you a cookie.
- No, no, no, no...

Don't... Don't say another word.

The decision is final. Goodbye, my Gene.

Bye.

Au revoir.

I don't know what that means.

So... you're single?

Why not?

Let me at that Basset-Hound d*ck.

I'm Gene!

- [BILLIE] Take a... train!
- [GENE] Train!