03x06 - Bernie & Blythe

[bunniefuu]

I love that they tracked
us down for an audition.

I know. This is how all of
Heather Graham's dates start.

Julie, Billy, welcome. This
is Gennifer from OpenTable.

Oh, the website where people
make restaurant reservations?

Now they're doing original content.

Gennifer is their VP of Development

and brunch reservations
for parties over four.

Gennifer's first directive
is to copy things

that work on other networks.

She talked my ear off
about it all morning.

- Gennifer, you wanna explain?
- Mm.

So they're doing a New
Year's Eve special

loosely inspired by CNN's

with Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper.

We know from your guys'
dinner reservation history

that neither of you have
New Year's Eve plans.

Not yet, but 's gonna be different.

- Yeah.
- Sure.

Let's hear you guys be bubbly
and perky on various topics.

- Go!
- Oh! Okay, I think

that we as a nation moved
on way too quickly

after Michael Douglas claimed
that Catherine Zeta-Jones'

poor p*ssy gave him throat cancer.

Yes, but I think we spent exactly
the right amount of time

talking about how Rebecca Gayheart,

Brandy and Caitlyn Jenner all allegedly

- k*lled people with their cars.
- Yes, think fun.

Think positive.

- Positive, positive.
- Fun and positive.

- Oh, HIV positive.
- Yes.

Here's the thing about women with AIDS.

We are good.

Thank you for coming in.

You didn't do a very good job.

- No, we didn't.
- No, we really didn't.

- [BOTH LAUGHING]
- [SNORES] Mm.

- Can we order lunch?
- Okay, "Feud" season three,

Michael Douglas versus
Catherine Zeta-Jones' p*ssy.

Oh, I love it. You know,
you never sound gayer

than when you say the word p*ssy.

What? p*ssy!

[DRIVING PUNK ROCK MUSIC]

Loose change, I'm home.

- Hey. How was Florida?
- A swampy hellscape

out of a dystopic crime novel.

Plus, it's either hot or freezing.

- Florida AC is nuts.
- Mm, yeah.

I hate air conditioning that goes

from to in a second.

It's like the temperature equivalent of

a Hitachi Magic Wand.

You know, ease me into it.
Play with my nipples.

Plus, it's given me this
constant low-grade cold.

- Is the pizza on its way?
- Pizza?

- I hope so.
- Credit sequence, I asked you

to order a pizza when I landed at JFK.

- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I...

It's okay. I don't wanna fight.

I'll order it. It's just a stupid pizza.

Well, there's no reason
to say that about pizza.

Hey guys, Greg peed,

Jellybeans fell asleep
while she was pooping.

Atta girl! [AS KATE
HEPBURN] I did it mother,

I'm a multitasker.

See you next time.

High five.

All right.

Bye, Dave.

That new dog walker is shady.

He is not. You're just not used to guys

who know what March Madness is.

Besides, it doesn't matter.
You're barely even here to...

[SIGHS]

Forget it. I don't wanna fight.

I don't wanna fight, either.

You wanna have sex?

Sure. Pizza's on its way.

We have minutes or less.

Grab the Hitachi Magic Wand.

We can fit in an episode
of "Larry Sanders."

TODD: What are you doing Thursday night?

BILLY: Trying to figure
out if that movie.

"The Founder" really happened.

Oh, let me save you the trouble.
It did not.

So now you're free to come
with me to a work thing.

I don't know if I've
ever really gone with

a guy to his work thing before.

Unless you count Rentboy,
in which case his work

was really our thing.

Look, you don't wanna take me anywhere

where I'm gonna have to talk to a person

who isn't you, Julie, or
Andie MacDowell's Twitter.

Just do what any self-respecting
gay in Hollywood would do:

Bring Kelly Preston and a
confusing hair system.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Hey, guys, Denise and I are going

to a parenting retreat in Scarsdale

so our baby grows up
knowing nothing practical

but is pressured to succeed.

So while we're gone,
the manager will be...

- Matthew.
- Oh!

No. Are you f*cking kidding me?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh,
um, thank you so much!

Nate, I will not let you down.

In fact, recently while recovering from

a Fire-Island related fissure,

I saw an episode of "Undercover Boss."

Which I assumed was about bossy bottoms,

so I watched it for research.

You guys know I'm a top, right?

Oh, yeah. And I'm bi.

You f*ckin' idiot.

I'm a top.

Don't dress up as a new employee

and try to make the business better.

Okay, sure, Nate.

I won't do that.

I'm serious.

I won't do that at all, Nate.

Marilyn, as a first-time author,

you might find it hard getting
notes on your manuscript.

Well, I didn't get to be where I am

because I have a fragile ego.

Okay. I was wondering

if we could swap chapters two and three.

Great idea, Dr. Mengele.

Especially if you don't want the book

to make any f*cking sense.

We're gonna keep the chapters

just the way they are.

Wait, why do you have "Joy of Sex"?

It's a reissue. It turns out
people are nostalgic for bush...

both the administration and beaver fur.

This look familiar?

Vaguely, but I haven't had sex
since my fling with Bob Durst.

Not to brag, but he said anyone
who sucks d*ck that well

deserves to die of natural causes.

Well, see this happy
cunnilingus recipient?

She'd be me.

Bullshit! I bet you the most
bohemian thing you've ever done

is have a second spritzer
at a Debby Boone concert.

Well, joke's on you.
Jews hate Debby Boone.

It was Phoebe Snow.

Look closer. Look closer!

Ahh. Ah!

Oh, my God. That is you.

♪ ♪

What did you decide to do
about Todd's work thing?

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, I wanna go. I just...

I don't know what I'm gonna
say to these people.

They're advertisers.
Just go in and be funny.

They'll eat it up like Ben Affleck

at a nanny convention.

Be glad he doesn't work for PBS.

Last year's Christmas party
was a tap water social.

- You're right. I'm gonna go.
- Good.

I'm gonna do it. So what's happening?

- How's Arthur?
- Well, when he's home,

we wanna have sex, but
the sex we're having

is get it out of the way sex.

And I'd say something about it,

but I don't wanna fight.

'Cause that's the last thing we need.

Well, I'd argue that
the last thing we need

is another peep out of
the Duplass brothers.

Oh, well, hello. I'm Marionette.

I am the new employee here.

Oh, who will help me learn the ways...

of this integrated luncheonette?

- Is he "Undercover Bossing"?
- Yes, thank God.

Because that means I can get
out of work. Watch this.

- Uh, hey, Marionette?
- Mm?

I'm so sorry, dear, Denise said that

you have to cover my shift.

Sure thing, doll.

Um, who's Denise?

Let's go see the new Wes Anderson movie.

Oh, yes. I heard that a tumbleweed

just blows past a frame
full of Lego people

in a shoebox for three hours.

Did they clean your ears at
the groomers, Jellybeans?

[AS HEPBURN] Yes, they did, Mother.

But I think they were plenty
velvety when I came in.

Oh, no, no way, what?
No, no, it is them!

- Back off, Brock Turners!
- No, we just wanted a photo

of Football and Touchdown.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Your dogs. Football and Touchdown.

[SCOFFS] Dude, they're
like the two coolest

Instagram dog celebrities
in the sports world.

No, they're not. I hate sports.

No, check it.

Oh, my God. Those are my dogs.

Right? That's sick, dude. Up top!

What the f*ck was that?

That piece of sh*t dog walker.

He must've rebranded my
pets without my consent!

Consent? There's that word again, dude.

Like, why do chicks keep using that?

Hey, relax. They're gonna love you.

I know. I'm fine. I feel confident

and I am in no way uncomfortable.

Nice.

[UPBEAT CLUB MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Welcome to Boobies.

I am in every way uncomfortable.

Football and Touchdown? Are
you f*cking kidding me?

I spent my whole life avoiding sports.

Now look at me. I'm
sleeping with the enemy.

- [LAUGHS]
- What are these?

Oh, that's... that's just...

ah, we're doing a -part "Nova"

on the effects of planetary alignment

- on human sexuality.
- Ohh, well, kudos to PBS

- for making sex boring.
- [LAUGHS]

"How to Spice Up a Long
Distance Relationship."

Arthur, is this really for PBS?

There's a suggestion
about role play in there

- that seems interesting.
- Ugh! Role play? Gross.

That's just improv naked.

Like on "Modern Family,"
when Julie Bowen

pretends to be someone
slightly less boring

- for Valentine's Day.
- I just wanna do

something special before
I leave on Wednesday.

You told me you were
leaving on Thursday.

I canceled plans for Wednesday night.

Forget it. I don't wanna fight.

I don't wanna fight either. [COUGHS]

- Excuse me.
- What do you think

of that new dog walker, Jellybeans?

[AS HEPBURN] I don't care for him.

Mommy and Daddy would never make we wear

such vulgar uniforms.

[COUGHS] Pageview, what
do you want for dinner?

[AS HEPBURN] You know, with that cold,

you sound like Bernie Sanders.

[AS SANDERS] Well, your Jellybeans voice

- sounds like Blythe Danner.
- Blythe Danner?

I was hoping it was a
bit more Kate Hepburn.

[AS SANDERS] No, it's Blythe!
Believe me.

Say, Bernie, what's
it like to be Jewish?

It's a hoot!

What's it like to be not
always out of breath,

you randy shiksa minx?

I'll tell you later,
you slovenly Semitic

- fire plug.
- Mm!

I thought this would be
at a classier location.

Why are all these
waitresses walking around

with their tits out like Helen Mirren?

Well, Karen's the one retiring

and Boobies is her favorite restaurant.

She's a little young to be retiring, no?

Oh, no. It's not her choice.
She turned .

That's the mandatory retirement
age for women in advertising.

- Hey, Todd!
- Hey!

- Hey, what's up, bro?
- Bruce, hey.

- Sam! You lost weight!
- Oh, no, Bruce.

- This is Billy.
- Who's Sam?

Nobody. My ex.

That douche Sam ruined our
office Christmas party.

Good thing Karen took off her
top and we all had a good laugh

at her ancient melons.

You know, I'm new to the
Boobies culinary experience.

Perhaps there's a sommelier
that I can motorboat.

Uhh...

Oh, I was joking.

Weird joke.

Hi, I'm David's wife.

- Oh, hi.
- You must be Todd's boyfriend.

Let's leave the boys alone
and I'll introduce you

to the other wives.

Wait... okay.

This is Lance's wife.
This is Keith's wife.

Andrew's wife and Adam's boyfriend.

Lyle, right? We met.

Adam's boyfriend's fine.

All right, well. It was
great to meet you guys.

It's probably better
you stay here with us.

- You don't wanna Sam this up.
- [CHUCKLES]

What happened with Sam?

He didn't really know his place.

We're the wives. Let them be the stars.

Yeah, he kept telling
jokes all the time.

It's like, cool it, Paul Reiser.

So, Billy, what do you do?

Actually, I'm a co...

Um...

You know what? You can just call me.

Todd's boyfriend.

- ALL: Aww.
- Yay!

They sat you at the wifey table?

Yeah, and now I'm feeling pressure

to be as supportive to Todd
as they are of their spouses.

Because that's all they talk about.

And I don't know what
Todd's ex-boyfriend did,

but whatever he did, he really blew it

- at those parties.
- Well, can't you just

pretend to be supportive
so you get what you want?

I'm not Blythe Danner, but she had

the sex of her life last night

- with Bernie Sanders.
- That's the thing.

You're getting f*cked.
I'm just standing there,

laughing at non-jokes.

- I've been miscast.
- It's a trend!

My adorably faggy dogs have
been miscast as sports fans.

How many Instagram followers
do they have now?

Last time I checked,
something like , .

- Wow.
- What kind of world is this

that we live in where my dogs

have more Instagram followers
than I'll ever have?

These Internet celebrity
animals, that's a gold mine.

Why don't you Google, "Grumpy Cat owner"

- annual income"?
- My God.

Holy sh*t, Billy. You're right.

Where does someone that rich even live?

Where does Oprah live? Montecito?

Oh, Billy. Oprah doesn't
live in Montecito.

She lives on...

♪ ♪

BOTH: ♪ Easy street ♪

♪ Easy street ♪

♪ Where the rich folks play ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Move them feet ♪

♪ To easy street ♪

♪ That's where we're gonna ♪

♪ Be ♪

♪ ♪

Surprise.

I brought you a hot
wing chicken casserole.

Oh! W-why?

Just 'cause. Hey, while I'm here,

how do I get two Internet famous
dogs to be in a TV commercial?

Julie is... and I don't
mean this sexually...

I think she's sitting
on the next Grumpy Cat.

Holy sh*t, it's Touchdown and Football.

Those dogs are f*ckin' hysterical.

Your wife said you knew funny.

Bruce, do we have any
campaigns they'd be good for?

How about f*ckin' all of them?

If you can make them more
than Internet famous,

you can make enough money
where you can retire at...

how old are you?

?

Get them on TV. I'll take it from there.

Wow. If any Internet celebrity
could get a TV show that easily,

Miranda Sings would have
her own series on Netflix.

- Mm.
- But she does.

I'm so sorry. I'm so stupid.

I should leave the comedy to you guys.

- Bye!
- Bye.

Bruce, don't touch that.

Hey, Mom, does Dad still
do taxes for ESPN?

I know these two up-and-comers
in the sports world

and I really need a connection.

Are you reading "The Joy of Sex"?

Did you know this is me?

[SCREAMS] Oh, my God!

Mom, what the hell?!

Oh... your mother was a
different woman in the ' s.

This was pre-AIDS and post
"I Dream of Jeannie."

Okay, you know what?
Just have Dad call me.

I just miss the free spirit I was

before your birth stopped
it dead in its tracks.

Are you contemplating an affair?

I told you, Michael Bublé is married.

No, I just wanna feel like who I was

isn't gone forever.

Well, good luck, Mom.

I'm sure you'll track that person down.

You mean Dusty. That's
him I'm making love to

in these illustrations.

I wonder where he is.

And if you're wondering
how I got that into here,

short answer: Trapeze class.

Oh, my God! Why did I turn around?!

♪ ♪

So my dad heard back from ESPN.

They have this show that's about sports

that's on after the sports where
people talk about sports.

I don't know. It sounds like
"Watch What Happens Live"

for straight people.

I just don't wanna pull a Dennis Miller.

That could mean so many bad things.

If we're gonna go on TV
and talk about sports,

we need to know what
we're talking about.

Let's start studying.

[CLAPS] All right, you dogs,

sit up straight like you're
excited to be on TV.

Are we gonna do anything besides this

for my last night in town?

[AS BLYTHE] Gee, I don't know, Bernie.

We could do what I planned
to do Wednesday night

but canceled because I thought
you'd still be in town.

[AS BERNIE] What plans
are those, Blythe?

Complaining to the dogs in the bathroom

or complaining to the
dogs in the kitchen?

[AS BLYTHE] Speaking of the dogs,

I can't help but notice how
unsympathetic you've been

around this whole Instagram debacle.

[AS BERNIE] It's too bad nobody said,

"I got a bad feeling
about that dog walker."

Oh, right, I did.

It's all coming out now, Bernie,

you Ben & Jerry's
guzzling piece of sh*t!

Where's your f*cking podium,
Bern, to save you now?

[AS BERNIE] Do you realize

how much harder my job is in Florida?

Judy Woodruff keeps skipping work

to ride Space Mountain!

[AS BLYTHE] I'm sick of you
taking care of everybody

in the world but me.

[NORMAL VOICE] Oh, Arthur.

This is so stupid.

Role playing for arguing
is f*cking idiotic.

Okay, let's retire Bernie and Blythe.

I'm sorry that my travel
schedule has made sex

just another item to
check off my to-do list

like buy more cream cheese.

Where does that go, by the way?

You use that as a lotion?

No, I just eat a lot of it.

Let's go back to the way things were?

Yeah, I like that idea.

When we f*ck, we f*ck.

And when we fight,

we fight about you f*cking up.

♪ ♪

What the hell?

Oh, hello, young man.

How many are in your party?

Matthew, what did I tell you
about "Undercover Bossing"?

[LAUGHING] But who is Matthew?

I am Marionette.

Where's Lola? Where's Billy?

Oh, they gave themselves the night off,

and I fell a little
behind, as you can see.

You must understand, my
mother d*ed from a sandwich

before she could teach me how to clean.

And here is more of my back story:

You see, I have a teeny, tiny
tear in my clitoral hood...

- Matthew!
- From horseback riding

in England, where I'm from.

[EXAGGERATED ACCENT] So why
the Southern accent, you ask?

From now on, we're just
gonna close the cafe

instead of leaving you in charge.

All right. Um, by the way,

there is $ , missing
from the cash register.

Toodley-doo!

Can't believe Karen k*lled herself.

Only one day into retirement.

"Happy Funeral, Karen."

Well, I wonder who thought
of that snappy copy.

My husband.

I don't wanna brag,
but have you all seen

his new Lean Cuisine spots
where the single woman

makes a noose out of linguini?

[LIGHT CHUCKLES] Well, have you seen

my husband's commercial for lady razors

where the woman's a gorilla

and she gets sh*t like Harambe?

Well, my husband's cock is huge.

So how about you guys?
Any of you have jobs

or interests or something?

There's only room for one
personality in a relationship.

You know it's working when you vanish.

It's like my husband's spot for Yoplait

where the woman gets so
thin that she disappears

and the man says, "Now that's
a wife I don't wanna punch."

[LAUGHTER]

I can't f*cking do this.

Excuse me.

Todd, if I have to spend

one more second at the
f*cking wifey table,

I'm gonna lose my mind.

It's like gay "Get Out."

And by the way, everyone...
is everyone listening?

Boobies was not Karen's
favorite restaurant!

Well, another f*cking
party ruined by Sam.

Billy! Hey, Billy!

Wait. What the hell happened back there?

Look, work things and being the
quiet, supportive boyfriend,

that is not me, okay?

I'm Billy Epstein, I am
not Billy-Yi Previn.

Whoever asked you to be the
quiet, supportive boyfriend?

Well, that's why you broke
up with Sam, right?

- Because he wasn't that.
- I broke up with Sam

because he took a sh*t
in my boss' office.

Don't f*cking overthink this.

I brought you because
you're the first boyfriend

I'm actually excited about showing off.

Well, that's not true,
because you brought Sam.

No, Sam showed up. He
crashed an office party.

Wait, is that why you
showed up at my office

with half-frozen chicken wings?

Bob from Accounting's still
on the f*cking toilet

- from eating those.
- Well, that's not my fault

because they don't tell
you how long to keep them

in the microwave because
they just assume

that you're gonna put them in the oven.

[SIGHS]

Um, I don't want you to be anybody

but your assh*le self.

I like you for the assh*le you are.

I'm telling you, though.
If I ever have to sit

with the wifeys again,

I'm gonna take a sh*t in your office.

Fair.

[SIGHS]

- Ugh.
- What?

I can't believe I wasted
this suit on Karen.

Dusty?

- Marigold.
- Oh!

- Wow, wow, wow, wow!
- [LAUGHING] Hi.

I'm so glad you tracked me down.

Oh, well, thank you for meeting me.

Well, thank you for leaving your number

at the juice bar where I get my mail.

Oh, well, of course. Why
don't you have a phone?

Ah, freedom, Marigold.

I'm a bird, constantly taking wing.

I mean, there's no need for a landline

- if you never really land.
- Oh.

Do you mind if I... sort of...

vibe over here?

Oh, well, actually, I... I...

I... I... I, um...

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

- Are you kidding?
- Does that ring any bells, huh?

- Just an internal siren.
- Oh.

Do you remember when both
your legs fell asleep

when we were in the
entangled hammock position?

Oh, my God, the tangled ham...
What was that illustrator

- even doing?
- I... you know,

sharpening his pencils?

You know, I mean, obviously,

he didn't have to hold the position

for an hour and a half, right?

- Oh...[MURMURS].
- You know?

Dusty, can I ask you a question?

Patchouli and mold. You get used to it.

Do you ever miss our wild, crazy youth?

No, I don't, man. I'm
unburdened, Marigold.

You know? Always have
been, always will be.

- Oh.
- You know? Yeah.

You are so lucky. I have a family.

- Mm-hmm.
- I have a practice.

- Practice. Ooh.
- I've got a mortgage.

Does that mean you have a house?

- Yes.
- What... with a roof?

- Well, of course.
- Holy... Can I crash with you

- if it snows?
- What? No!

I understand.

Then if it snows...

could you buy me a bottle
of chocolate syrup

to pour on the snow for my breakfast?

Get a job!

Oh, my God. I can't believe

that our first ever talk
show appearance is on ESPN

and that the project we're
plugging is my dogs.

- That's a lot of soda.
- I know.

I get nervous. This
helps, for some reason.

[BURPS] Oh, my God. Excuse me.

- I know...
- Very relatable.

- Hey, hey! Football! Touchdown!
- Oh, hey!

Yeah, winning! Right? Yeah.

Uh, what do they say in football?

Oh, tailgate. Tailgate!

- Yeah.
- Yep, dice,

nothing but Netflix.

[BURPS] Oh, my God. Excuse me.

I've had a lot of soda.

Uh, can I just run to the
ladies room, real quick?

Oh, absolutely. Right this way, Billy.

Okay, let's go, guys.
Football and Touchdown.

- Football, Touchdown.
- Football and Touchdown!

- Get on up!
- Let's go, Football

- and Touchdown.
- Come on, let's go!

Look, Football and Touchdown,

they are raring to go.

- So, you big sports fans?
- Oh, my God.

Huge. Me and Julie, both.
You know, some people

know things about movies
and TV like who won

the Best Supporting
Actress Oscar this year.

Not us. It's all sports, all the time.

Who did win? Oh, Michelle Williams.

It's Viola Davis. Wasn't it?
Yes, it was. Yes.

Okay, they need to get a mic level.

- Billy, can you count?
- Oh, sure, yeah.

- Ten, nine, eight...
- JULIE: Of course I hate sports.

I hate them all. We both do.

Oh, those stupid hosts... r*pe Rapely

and She Was Asking For It Jones.

God, I wish I could k*ll them all.

[BURPS]

Oh, and the burping. [BURPS]

Is that your friend who
just accused us both

of sexual as*ault on a hot mic?

Yeah. She just jinxed, and
I'm not talking about

the Bette Midler film.

It wasn't Bette's finest hour,

but she didn't get the
offer she expected to

after "The Rose."

Get the f*ck out of here.

Fine. Let's go, dogs. Let's go.

I don't remember your names.

Let's go.

f*ck those dogs.

So, hey, how's your cousin
Karen doing since she retired?

Oh, you didn't hear?
She committed su1c1de.

Hey, what are you doing back here...

Oh, no.

They heard me, didn't they?

They sure did.

[SIGHS]

Well, good thing I only peed.

Hey, are you hungry?

- You wanna do wings at Boobies?
- I can do Boobies.

Let's do Boobies!

♪ Thought it'd be easy ♪

♪ Thought they didn't know ♪

♪ You thought it was
the only way to go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Another way out ♪

♪ Found on the way home ♪

♪ Thought you were living fast ♪

♪ But you were living slow ♪

WOMAN: La la la.

Oh, my God!