01x03 - Passing Notes

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Cassandra
French's Finishing School...

- Ow.
- He is destroying my lesson plans.

I mean, I can't teach
him unless I assess him,

but I can't assess him if I
don't know anything about him.

We're gonna "Ocean's Eleven" his ass.

So can you cr*ck it?

[Stuttering] I can cr*ck this.

Hundred bucks, boom.

- $ .
- Deal.

Tell me everything you
know about Elijah Foster.

All right, let's schedule our
follow-up for another day, shall we,

- so long as you bring this one.
- Of course.

I was a little worried
there for a minute,

but I actually think all of this

is gonna work out just fine.

♪ ♪

[Alarm clock ringing]

[Gentle music plays]

[Alarm beeping]

[Rock music plays]

[Sighs]

[Gentle music plays]

[Rock music plays]

[Drill whirs]

[Doorbell rings]

Oh. [Clears throat] Hey.

Uh, sup, Cass?

Did you do it?

Uh, yeah. Did the full
change, just like you asked.

Oh. Mm. [Clears throat]

Uh, yeah, scrubbed the I.P.,

disabled the location services,

and I changed all the passwords.

It's "CassieandDoug,"

one word, easy to remember 'cause...

You can change it. [Clears throat]

Anyway, you got... do you have company?

No. No.

- Then...
- That one is for you...

buddy.

[Chewing loudly]

This is really nice.

♪ All the things that I've done ♪

♪ Oh, how you'd run if
you knew a single one ♪

♪ Of all of the things that I've done ♪

Oh, Owen.

Owen.

Owen, Owen, Owen.

Oh, are you trying to
break me or something...

by saying my name?

Oh...

- [Whispering] Suck my d*ck.
- I mean, look at this.

He is on JDate and Christian Mingle.

And Muslim Matrimonials.

So?

I'm on dating sites. You're not?

Uh, yeah. But we actually
use real information.

I mean, something tells me

that you don't own a -foot schooner

or you even know what the f*ck that is.

Yeah, we've got your profiles

and your social media and your e-mails

and your DM's and your IM's,

and we know every single
lie you've ever told.

So I think it's probably pretty obvious

what today's lesson
is gonna be all about.

Honesty.

Don't be a f*cking liar.

Lying, like any other
bad habit, can be broken.

So... for every truth that you tell,

you get a nice, yummy bite of food

that I slaved away in
the kitchen for you.

And, on the other hand, for every lie...

[Chains rattle]

Okay.

- No, no, no.
- Cool it.

Women have been doing this for decades.

It's not like we're gonna
thread your eyebrows.

God... unless you can do that.

I mean, yeah, I can try.

Okay, hey.

Relax.

We'll start off easy.

Okay?

All right.

What's your name?

Owen Gilmore.

Food, please.

[Laughing] Oh, no.

What's your name on all

of your dating profiles?

- f*ck.
- Yeah, f*ck.

[Wax strip rips, Owen screams]

Okay. I'm looking at a
DM here from @JessLevitt.

It looks like you two
hooked up at Coachella.

Of course you did.

What did you tell her
you did for a living?

That's not fair. I have no idea.

Because you told so many
women so many different things?

No, no, I...

Just thinking ahead,

did you want to do the full Brazilian

or just the natural look?

Because, I mean, you told me
that you were an app developer,

which was clearly a lie.

No, it's not! I-I did develop an app.

[Humming]

Wait, wait. Wait one sec!

f*cking wait. I-I did. I tried.

I had an idea with a buddy.

It was like Tinder meets Uber.

So prostitution?

We borrowed some money from
my parents and their friends,

but then we b*rned
through it in a few months.

We had to shut it down.

Thank you for telling the truth.

Doesn't that feel good?

Not exactly.

Oh, your chains.

Your poor chains.

Yeah.

The thing is is that
there's still only one way

to get that strip off.

Just bite really hard down on this.

There you go. Okay.

[Screams]

[Muffled] m*therf*cker!

Heads up.

He has got a lot of people...

Dude.

Oh, sorry, dude.

He's got a lot of
people asking about him.

- Yeah, some people like me.
- Throw them some meat.

Like, we're all up in his socials,

so we can say whatever the f*ck we want.

Here, give it to me. Give it to me.

[Keyboard clacking]

Uh, "Taking some time off to recharge.

"At a spiritual retreat in Joshua Tree."

All right, that's not bad.

Okay, but nobody uses a semicolon,

and this guy definitely
does not use a semicolon.

f*ck you. I know my punctuation.

Okay, slow your burn.

That's less of a comment
on you and more on Twitter,

so we'll just delete that.

[Computer chiming]

Okay, so that didn't work. Um...

We'll just say something different.

Uh, we'll just say
something douchey, obviously.

Something about sand and palm trees.

No.

Once you've thrown down on the Internet,

you've gotta follow the golden rule...

pics or it didn't happen.

[Smacks lips]

All right, Tinder, what
have you got for me?

Too fat,

too short, too much.

And DeVito couldn't even reach it.

[Laughter]

And that's when Schwarzenegger
turns to Pacino and says,

"No, you say hello to my little friend."

[Laughter]

How did we even get started

talking about "Twins"
in the first place?

You guys!

Unfortunately, the tour is now over.

If you enjoyed yourselves,
my name is Omar.

I'll be here all week.

If you didn't, my name's
Carol. I work at Applebee's.

[Laughter]

Now, get out of here!

Go! I don't love you anymore!

- "Harry and the Hendersons."
- Anybody get that?

"Harry and the Hendersons," Lithgow.

I know you like Lithgow.

[Laughs]

Okay.

You have a nice day.

Okay.

Wow, you make it sound
like you really give a sh*t.

I do give a sh*t.

I give many shits.

Hollywood is a gift to
the rest of the world.

Hollywood is two miles of concrete

soaked in backpacker urine.

Look, when I was
growing up in my Pueblo,

there was one store that
stocked all movies from America,

mostly late ' s, ' s...
you know, the golden age.

And while the cartels
ran rampant in the street,

I would sit in my room,

and I would watch these movies,

and everything just floated away.

It was like nobody could hurt me.

Hollywood is my sanctuary, Claire.

Aren't you from, like, Riverside?

No, Mexico.

Oh, that makes a lot more sense.

Thank you. Have a nice day.

Whoa. You get tips?

Hey, you know we're supposed
to share those, right?

But I've never seen you get any tips.

Yeah, I know. f*cking sexism, right?

Ugh! Male privilege.

Uh, yeah, so you make movies, right?

I want to borrow a couple of things.

♪ ♪

f*ck yeah, Lamar!

f*ck yeah... me.

sh*t.

Here.

Why do you lie?

Sounds like a trick question.

No, I'm... I'm serious.

I mean, you have to be

some kind of actual
person under all of this.

I mean, you create
all these fake profiles

and you string women along for months.

I mean, you basically told
me that you were, like,

some successful tech guy.

No, no. I said I developed an app.

You wanted to believe the rest.

Hey, okay,

but you didn't actually stop
me from believing all of that.

Well, why would I?

You're hot, you're smart.

Would you have really
screwed a guy like me?

Well, I mean, that night,

I probably would have
slept with anybody.

Yeah, I mean, I was...

Oh, yikes.

I-I mean, I, like, I mean, anybody.

- Thank you.
- Maybe not h*tler.

Like... like just shy of h*tler.

- I get it. I get it.
- [Chuckles]

But on, like, a normal night.

Uh...

I'm not sure.

I feel like even with all of this,

I don't even know who you are.

I mean, I feel like you don't, either.

[Door opens]

[Breathing heavily]

Honey, I'm... Phew!

[Grunts]

I'm home!

Oh, my God.

Dude, can you help
me out with this sh*t?

♪ ♪

[Chains rattle]

Okay, test sh*t.

You're just gonna look charming in pink.

Stay still.

We're one big, happy family.

One big, happy family.

[Laughs]

Oh, my God, you're such a douche.

[Singing in French]

- [Laughs]
- [Laughs]

All right. Look really high.

[Camera shutter clicking]

Okay, I already put
the first couple photos

up on Facebook and Twitter,

and we're already
getting great responses,

and people are falling for it.

And I'll trickle out the rest as needed.

Uh, did you set up the video?

Uh, yeah.

All six seasons of "Sex and the City."

When you live in a place
like Manhattan, odds are,

you'll run into the one
who broke your heart.

- I set it to autoplay.
- Great.

I will keep an eye on the video feeds,

and I will be home as soon
as I finish this meeting.

All right, love you. Bye.

Odds are higher on the morning
you lost a fight with a hairdryer.

[Grunts]

[Cellphone buzzes]

Cassandra, you're acceptably early.

Oh. Hi, Wendy.

I tho... I thought you were coming.

Ugh. I had to fly to Aspen.

Gwyneth over-steamed her
vag*na again, and it looks like

I'm the only one who knows
how to fold it back into place.

You know, they call this
an all-inclusive spa,

but apparently that doesn't apply to
anything south of the border, so...

Anyway, are you prepped?

Yes, just, uh, one quick question.

Do you think it's smart to throw
Elijah into something like this so...

Just make sure he answers all of
the questions and stays afloat.

I can't sell a bloated corpse.

Oh, actually, that's not true. I have.

Summer . Mm.

No names, but let's just say

the child star plus dr*gs
plus anger management issues

equals a whole lot of billable hours.

Okay, when I get back,
we really need to work

on your sense of humor.

- [Screen blips]
- And whatever you do,

do not let him speak for himself.

I mean, we want Elijah talking,

but we don't want Elijah talking, yes?

- Got it.
- Good.

[Screen blips, door opens]

Steph, you're an absolute lifesaver.

Oh, and if you can tell Chef Paul

that Elijah wants a burger well done

and fries on the side,
yeah, he'll know what I mean.

How will the chef ever cr*ck your code?

Oh, we go back.

Thanks for meeting me at the
No. It's sort of like my place.

I can't really deal with a
stuffy conference room, you know?

So...

how are you?

Tell me about yourself, every detail.

Oh, um, okay.

I... It's normal, like, boring.

Impossible. You're an interesting woman.

You must be doing interesting things.

[Chuckles nervously]

Travel, friends, men?

Uh, you know what? We should
probably just get prepped.

I mean, Internet interviews
seem really casual,

but, like, one wrong answer,

and they're just gonna pounce.

Yeah, I've been doing
interviews since I was ,

ever since I was on "EastEnders."

And I played Dex.

Overdosed and fell
out of a moving lorry?

I must have missed that
one. You know what, though?

Typing is so boring.

So why don't you just... you
tell me what you want to say,

and I'll just
clickety-clack down for you?

Hmm.

- Yeah?
- Uh...

you know, I think it's
just a little bit easier

if I just do it it myself.

You know, like, brain to fingers.

No need for translation.

Totally. I totally get that.

But you've got that burger coming,

and it's... it's messy,

and it's, like, food and typing.

It's just... it's gonna be weird.

[Sighs]

Since when are relationships
scored on a -point scale?

No point playing if they don't start

with at least seven, honey.

And that's when I realized,

just like a summer can't
magically change herself

into a winter for fall fashion week,

a woman can't change
herself to fit society.

And since he was diagnosed,
how does that sit with you?

Uh, yeah, it's fine.

I mean, they said he
was gonna be okay, so...

at some point, you
might want to at least

consider opening up in here.

It's been over six months.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm good right here. You
can ask me anything you want.

How did it make you feel when
your father was diagnosed?

[Timer dings]

Look at that.

- The session's over.
- We really should discuss your tendency

to compartmentalize these feelings.

I'm a little bit
concerned for you, frankly.

I said the session...

is...

over.

[Both moaning]

We gotta hurry. I have to
meet my brother at : .

He's such a f*cking child.
It's like every single time

he expects me to just drop everything.

He knows that I don't have a life.

Okay, babe, you're kind
of k*lling my boner here.

Right. Right. Sorry.

Okay, here's a pretty standard question.

Would you rather fight a
hundred duck-size horses

or one horse-sized duck?

Duck's hollow bones wouldn't
support an equine body structure.

It would collapse on itself.

[Chuckling] That's... that's
actually a really great answer.

It's actually a really stupid
question. Tell them that.

Okay. Next one...

Why do you do that?

What?

You left that part out.

Censorship is the death of art.

Okay, it's an Internet
interview. It's not really art.

How many of my other
answers have you changed?

Look, let me see.

Well, no, no. I never...
I never said that.

Well, look, look, the
guy that said he hates me

in "Hall of the Mountain King,"

I said he should stick to cat videos.

But you wrote, "I wish
you'd give it another sh*t,

"but I understand." I understand?

The meaning is effectively the same.

But you're presenting me to
the world as something I'm not.

- That's asking me to lie.
- I'm asking you...

to do a little P.R.

- Six of one, half, isn't it?
- Three?

Three?

- Six of one, half dozen of the other.
- [Cellphone buzzes]

A lie is a lie. Look. I've
been many things in my life.

Actor, lover, loyal Spurs supporter,

temporary honorary mayor of Herongate,

but I'm not a f*cking liar.

That's not what this is.

Maybe I'd be better off doing it myself.

I didn't need P.R. in England.

It's a much smaller market,

and if you're trying
to make the jump over...

You know a couple of things
about a couple of things.

No, no, no, no, no. Not the key.

Hello? Earth to Cassandra.

[Sighs]

You know what? You're right.

We're liars, but we're
actually lying to help you.

And your L.A. game is really great,

but your P.R. speak sucks.

Yeah.

You want to be yourself?

You... you want to do
the Internet yourself?

My mom thinks she can do the Internet.

That's my foot! [Laughs]

It's not a selfie!

This is... it's a footie!

When you think you
know what you're doing,

but maybe you don't...

I'm not sure if I got...
I think I just got cut off,

I'm not su... maybe... I might...

I feel like my eyes are crossing.

... that's what you get.

There's more just like that.

But, hey, if you think you can master

Snapchat and Twitter and Reddit
and harness COBRA and eWom

to define and prioritize your brand,

then, yeah, you should
totally do this yourself.

I mean, you're talented,

you've obviously got some integrity,

and you don't seem like a total assh*le.

So maybe you won't come
across like an idiot

and get laughed off the Internet.

I really, truly hope you make it work.

♪ ♪

Oh, f*ck.

[Cellphone buzzing]

Claire, stranger danger.

Stranger danger!

♪ ♪

[Ticket machine whirring]

God, why won't you work?

Just take it! Just take...

Okay, just drive, people.

Just drive.

Oh, my God!

[Camera shutter clicks]

[Vibrator thuds, drawer closes]

Go, go, go!

And I'm talking inches.

It was Aristotle who said...

[Exhales sharply]

It's easier to change a dress
than it is to change a man.

[Object clatters]

Hey!

What the f*ck are you doing in my house?

Out you go!

You're lucky I don't call the police.

I mean, who do you think you are,

sneaking into people's
houses with your sneaky eyes

and your sneaky shoes?

- What's going on?
- What's going on here

is I caught this
little freak red-handed.

Cassie, this is Doreen,

my friend.

She lives down there.

I piccolo less... oop.

I had guitar lessons,

and my mom asked asked Doreen

to drop off some of her cookies for you.

Okay, yeah, but why
were you inside my house?

I could put them in
the kitchen if you want.

Unless you don't want me going
in your kitchen for some reason.

You know what? This was
just a huge misunderstanding.

It is so nice to meet you, Doreen.

- We've met.
- You cut your hair.

No.

Come on, D. Let's get back.

Hey.

You're not making that for me, are you?

Third Thursday of the month.

Oh, sh*t. I forgot.

Are you sure you don't
want to come with me?

No, I want to start Owen

on these emotional
connection worksheets.

Of course you do.

Okay, well, give him a
slap on the ass for me.

I will.

Oh, by the way, a package came for you.

[Cellphone buzzes]

Hi, Wendy.

Cassandra, where have you been?

[Music plays on TV]

[Grunts]

I am so sorry. It was really tense,

and I completely
understand if I'm fired.

Congratulations are in order.

Most successful AMA since
the man with two penises...

and he had two penises!

Uh, so... it went well?

Whatever magic you did, it made
Elijah sound like a real person.

It's already trending.

You might very well
prove yourself useful.

Take the night off. Tomorrow,
the real work begins.

So you might as well...

[Laughs]

And that's when I realized

I might be able to swap out a sandal,

but I'd never get Mr. Big to overcome

his fear of commitment.

_

[Chains rattling]

If I wanted something real...

I don't think that's real.

And that meant only one thing.

- [TV shuts off]
- [Panting]

[Light switch clicks]

♪ ♪

Are you hungry?

I've got, like, this whole
tin of carbs that I...

- ♪ I gotta break out ♪
- [Cookie tin clatters]

♪ That's why I'm leaving this town ♪

♪ They always say things
are getting better ♪

♪ Not when or how ♪

♪ I gotta break out ♪

♪ That's why I'm leaving this town ♪

♪ The only way things could get better ♪

♪ Is to get out now ♪

Next time on "Cassandra
French's Finishing School"...

Oh, my God! f*ck you.
I f*cking hate you.

You want to believe
that all guys are sh*t,

that you can fix all of us.

- Ow!
- But it doesn't work that way.