02x04 - Transgender

[bunniefuu]

Do you guys mind recording
a birthday message for my mum?

Oh, yeah, OK.

Yeah, if you come over here,
so that it's all...

-Move it, Grant.
-OK, and...

-Do you not want to be in it?
-Go!

-Oh, hi.
-Hi, Clive's mum.

-Happy birthday.
-Hi. Hi, Clive's mum.

-Hi.
-Happy birthday.

-Hope you're having a good day.
-Don't get too drunk.

I hope you get a really nice present,
cos that's what you would like.

And all mums deserve that,
right, Clive's mum?

-Hope Clive got you flowers.
-And...action.

-Oh.
-You weren't filming that?

[Linda and Andy]
Happy birthday, Clive's mum!

♪ No doubt about it ♪

♪ I'm on my way ♪

♪ Taking over ♪

♪ I'm here to sta-ay-ay ♪

♪ We're teaming together ♪

♪ That's what I say-ay-ay ♪

♪ One way to do this ♪

♪ Taking over today! ♪

♪ We're taking over ♪

♪ We're taking over today ♪

Today at Northend Airport,

the staff await
their morning briefing

with Chief Inspector
Linda Proctor.

It can sometimes be
a subdued affair,

but today the agents are
in for something of a shock.

[Linda] Morning! Morning,
morning, morning, morning.

Ah, there you go. Ha! What
a beautiful morning it is too.

Look, I've brought
you all coffee. [laughs]

-Oh, thanks. -You doing something
different with your hair, Andy?

-No, no. -Well, whatever it is,
you're looking mighty fine!

Woo! [laughs] OK, everyone,
have a fantastic day.

[she chuckles]

What's with this?

-Ah, I know, so bitter.
-No. This. That.

Like she's been smoking
the old PCP.

Maybe she just had a nice dream.
Didn't have any nightmares.

Listen, I know you're
all talking about me.

It's very simple. I've...

I've just been given
the all clear.

Ah! Only joking! I've given
up the booze, just for a month.

I thought she was dying.

Yeah, so I've decided
to have a bit of a detox.

Give my liver
a bit of a cleanse.

Stop looking at life through
the golden telescope of Chablis.

Plus I woke up at the weekend
in the shower at a Premier Inn,

covered in sick with my tights
wrapped round my head.

[laughs]

Mmm.

I heard that once she
got so drunk she woke up

on the baggage carousel...
at JFK Airport.

I heard that she'd wear two
pairs of socks on a night out,

in case on her way home
she needed a shite.

She'd step into a doorway and
use one of the pairs of socks.

Once she got so drunk she took a bin
to school instead of her daughter.

She dressed it and everything.

Why didn't she just use
a packet of tissues?

I heard that once she got so drunk
she woke up inside a beehive,

and she was the queen bee!
[laughs] So stupid, sorry!

I heard that she drank
a bottle of wine...

over dinner.

Oh, you want a real one?
Sorry. Erm...

No, they're too dark.

After the fun and games
of their initial reaction,

Agents Church and Mansoor
now take a moment

to seriously consider Proctor's
newfound life goals.

So, erm, how long do
you think she'll last?

-Oh, wait, what's the time?
-You don't think she'll last a day?

-Not one day.
-She'll last a month.

There's a reason that she
started her dry month on the th.

She won't last until lunch,
I can guarantee you.

That's... I mean,
give the woman some credit.

Do you wanna make it
interesting? quid? Yeah?

-A bet? OK.
-Or we, er...

go up to London, make
a night of it, loser pays?

How can we make a night of it
if we have to get the last train home?

We could just stay over.

Yeah, or we could just
bet on the money instead.

Yeah, just the cash,
just the cold, hard cash.

-End of the month.
-End of the day.

-OK.
-OK.

One of the good things
about Brexit

is that we're seeing a return
to the Great British workman.

Now I'm not anti-European.

I love Lidl and I think
the Poles are great, you know.

They've all worked here in the past and
fantastically hard workers they are too.

But it is lovely to see
a local tradesman like Barry.

Huh, I'm from Manchester,
actually.

-Well, working class then.
-Nah, my parents are both doctors.

-British though.
-I'm actually half Spanish.

OK, sure, whatever.
How's it coming along?

Yeah, it's still at
the investigative stage.

Rough time scale? I've got a lot of
women with crossed legs out there.

Difficult to say, there's
a lot of imponderables.

-But definitely today.
-Yeah, yeah.

Unless it's tomorrow. [laughs]

Right, well, do your best!

While Proctor struggles to deal
with the handsome plumber,

at passport control, Agent
Brodie's about to encounter

plumbing complications
of a different nature.

Oh, er, sorry, madam.

Are you attempting
to travel on

-somebody else's passport
here, cos... -No.

No? The thing is your passport
here, it says Alec Barnes

and, well, clearly
you're not Alec Barnes.

It appears that Alicia Barnes is
attempting to travel on a passport

belonging to her pre-transition
identity, Alec Barnes.

Oh, sh1tting Norah!

Situation I'm in now
is fairly tricky.

I'm dealing with someone
from the transgender community

and I have to be very, very
careful how I go about this.

I have to do a couple of,
erm, checks.

The whole Alec/Alicia
interface thing.

Can I, erm...

-Can I get you anything?
-Yes.

What?

You can get me
a f*cking lawyer.

Oh, my! I was thinking
more like, erm...

like a... like a cup of tea.

Or, er, like a Hobnob.

f*ck's sake!

This is an infringement
of my human rights!

It's just a biscuit.

I wasn't thinking straight and I asked
her if she wanted a Hobnob, you know.

Out of all of the biscuits.

While Agent Brodie finds himself
several miles out of his comfort zone,

Proctor has one clear goal -
to get the ladies toilets fixed.

-Barry, how's it going?
-Oh, cracking on, yeah.

-Found out the problem yet?
-Yep.

-What is it then?
-I doubt you'd understand.

Try me, I did
a DIY evening class.

-It's the ABS.
-The ABS? The...?

[both] Acrylonitrile
butadiene styrene.

-Yes.
-Which is?

-The...
-[both] Drainage pipe.

You could have just
said drainage pipe.

-You said you were an expert
in plumbing. -I didn't say expert.

-How much longer? -Well, it's
difficult. I keep getting interrupted.

By who?

Right you are then.

Yeah, I'm doing really good.
It's only day one, obviously,

but I feel much clearer in the head,
I feel like I can cope with anything.

I have given up
drinking before.

For nine months, actually,
when I was pregnant.

And that was worth it.

Meanwhile, Agent Church is confident
that she might have what it takes

to gain the trust of Alicia Barnes
until the situation can be resolved.

Hi, Alicia. This is my, erm,
colleague Andy Church.

She's a woman, so...

-Yes.
-Hi. How are you?

Do you have any idea how
disrespectful you people are being?

I understand how frustrating
it can be. My name's Andy,

so often people mistake me
for a bloke as well.

-And that's the same, is it?
-It's mainly in emails so--

-That is in no way f*cking equivalent!
-Absolutely, yeah.

Yeah, no. Yeah, OK.

Andy.

Mmm. No, I've got to...

Andy.

Er... In America,
some girls are called Jamie.

Somewhat bruised from her encounter,
Agent Church heads to baggage handling

where she knows no one will ask
her to do anything difficult.

Simple, yeah.
Where the lychee at?

Watch this.

You ain't gonna get it,
you know! Where the lychee at?

Yeah, I know. He always puts
it in the middle every time.

OK. Cool.

Beginner's luck and that,
innit? Beginner's.

-Oh, where the lychee at?
-Stop putting it in the middle!

It's always in the middle.

You might stand a chance
of fooling someone

if you stop putting
it in the middle.

-I didn't even think I put it there
that time. -Are you ready?

Bruv, I'll close my eyes
and do it. Go on.

-Don't close your eyes, cos you won't
know where... -Where the lychee at?

It's in that one, cos I
didn't put it in the middle.

-Why did you close your eyes?
-Cos it's always in the middle?

Back in the interview room,
Agent Brodie's trying to explain

the complexities of the case to Alicia
Barnes as tactfully as he can.

So you left the UK
on this passport?

Yes.

And I transitioned
in the States.

And you haven't travelled
anywhere else on this passport?

-No.
-Cos you see the problem here,

that I have, is that as it is
Alec Barnes who left the UK...

Alec Barnes no longer exists!

I completely understand
that, Alicia.

But maybe he could just exist
for a few minutes

in order for you to get
through passport control.

I'm trying to help you out here.
I mean, do you, erm...?

Do you have a...?

Do you still have, erm...?

Yeah.

Yeah.

No.

No. Imagine if it was like...

If we were in a game show and
it was like Stars In Your Eyes,

and I was like....you were like,
"Oh, tonight, Grant, I'm gonna be..."

And then you went through and
you came out and you were like,

"I'm Alec Barnes," and you went
straight through passport control.

And you were like,
"I've won."

I just...

Erm...

I'll, erm...

Oh, I got you a...
It's not a Hob... It's a fudge.

I should have picked
the KitKat.

You need to get right down.
And up.

-[groans]
-And up.

And then one arm and down.
And up.

-[groans]
-And down, and up.

OK, not so good with that one.
Stand up. Right, let's, er...

Let's see what your core's like. Yeah,
get down there, get your arms out, so...

[phone vibrates]

Yeah, Mum.

A-huh.

No, no.

Uh!

Huuh!

Ooooh!

Ooooh!

Aaaah!

Aaaagh!

-Hey, hey, hey!
-Aaaagh!

-Hey, hey.
-Aaah!

-You OK?
-I thought you weren't gonna come back.

Hey, I'm back.

-I thought that was it.
-I'm back, it's OK.

Despite today's challenges
rapidly mounting,

Proctor still maintains
a teetotal, cheery disposition.

Agent Mansoor, who's bet

that she'll fall off the
wagon by the end of the day,

is on hand to help with
any work-related issues.

How's the repairs to
the ladies loo coming along?

Yes, on schedule, yes.

It's just that I've got a lot
of women out here up in arms.

You know, a lot of people
out here blaming you.

Getting a bit angry. "Typical Proctor!
f*cking things up!" is what I'm hearing.

-Well, we can't have that.
-Yeah.

Agent Mansoor returns to his
desk content in the knowledge

that by keeping Proctor
informed of the situation,

he's made a valuable,
positive contribution.

-Don't think I didn't see that.
-She's not gonna make it till lunch.

-Such a shame.
-That's loading the dice.

With the ladies toilets not likely
to be fixed any time soon,

Proctor has come up with
an elegant temporary solution.

There you go. Can't
complain now, can they?

No. It's a good idea. We'll
be like a forward thinking,

modern tech company
or something.

Yeah. Yeah, let's just drop
all this gender binary rubbish.

-Exactly.
-Get with the st century.

Oh, hi, Clive.
What do you think?

-It's really cool.
-Good, isn't it?

-Yeah, together.
-Yeah, that's the point, yeah.

-Oh, we'll give you some...
-I thought maybe use the cubicle.

[he urinates] Oh, Andy, can you
look at something for me?

-It's on my desk.
-OK, yeah, that's fine.

-Right, OK. Thank you.
-Bye, all.

[sniffs and sighs]

[continues to urinate]

[sighs and stops urinating]

How do you guys always
know what room to be in?

-[urinates]
-Oh!

With the unisex toilets
an immediate success,

Proctor checks in on Barry
the charismatic plumber.

Where have you been?

-Tea break.
-Another one?

Research suggests
a -minute tea break

improves productivity by %.

It hasn't improved yours.
It's the fourth tea break in two hours.

I might have a vag*na but
don't treat me like a c**t.

-What you saying?
-What I wouldn't give for a Pole!

-What was that? -Nothing, please,
just get on with your work!

-Did you say you want
a Polish plumber? -Maybe I did.

-Why don't you find a Polish plumber
then? Cos I'm done! -Maybe I will!

-Good, you do that!
-Thank you, yes, I will.

-Good luck with it!
-Thank you very much.

Good luck with
your journey home.

-Don't get stuck in traffic.
-I won't!

Do you know any
Polish plumbers?

In the interview room,
passenger Alicia Barnes

is awaiting processing
after being detained

for travelling on her
old pre-transition passport.

There's two beetles
inside the bottle.

Agent Brodie was already struggling
to cope with the situation,

but now, to make matters worse, Agent
Hassler has wondered in unsupervised.

I'm not supposed to say
they're in a bottle.

What the f*ck
are you talking about?

Sorry, it's been
a bit of a weird day.

Apparently, there's a transgender
person in the airport.

-Erm...
-I mean, it's not weird,

but we're kind of, like,
"Whoa, what do we do?"

What do you do?

Speak to them, make them
feel comfortable, not be like,

"Ugh! What's that?!" You know,
and pointing and laughing.

-Like a freak?
-Clive.

Cos they might feel that they
get treated like... She's right.

Fortunately for Agent Brodie,

the cavalry is about to arrive.

Oh, my God, Clive, come on.

-No, er... Your phone,
your phone's on. -My phone.

-Sorry. Lovely to meet you.
-We'll finish this later.

Yes, great. Ooh!

Look after this one, OK?
[laughs]

Erm...

With the ladies toilets
still out of action,

it seems Polish plumbers
are in short supply.

Oh, hello. Could I speak
to Andre Kawolesky, please?

Yeah, he's gone back to Poland.

OK, then what about
his brother Jaromir?

However, Proctor is about to be
offered an unlikely solution.

Yeah, Proctor!

-'Sup?
-Hello.

Er, listen. We heard on the...
What's it called, bruv?

-Grapevine.
-On the grapevine. Thanks, Suji.

-That you are in need' of a plumber.
-Yeah, do you know one?

We're experts in servicing
pipes, you understand?

I did all the pipes in
my house and that, yeah.

-Ceiling pipes, floor pipes.
-Stairs as well.

Stair pipes. I did
all them, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really? That would be
absolutely incredible

if you could help.
I would be so grateful.

-Anything for you, P,
yeah, yeah, yeah. -Great.

Oh, right, yes. Erm...

Erm, there you go. Lovely.

-We'll get on it straight away.
-Thank you so much.

-Thank you, Proctor.
-Thank you, guys. Brilliant.

As Mo and Suj head off
to grab their tools

and service the pipes
in the ladies,

Agent Brodie is using
all of his people skills

to keep the simmering Alicia
Barnes from boiling over.

Listen, Gimli! You're gonna go out
there and get me the paperwork I need

so I can get out of this place.
And you can f*ck off

back to the mines of Mordor or
whatever f*cking hole you came from,

you irritating little hobbit!
Go on, do one!

f*cking hell!

Gimli's a f*cking dwarf,
he's not a f*cking hobbit.

Struggling now, Agent Brodie decides
this is way above his pay grade.

-Linda.
-I was just getting rid of that.

-Yes, what can I... -You're gonna have
to go in there and deal with her because

-I'm at the end of my tether.
-Look, it's quite simple, Grant.

All you have to do is follow
procedure and stay calm, OK?

You've done the training,
you've been on the courses.

I've done the training
and the courses,

but nothing can prepare you
for... She's feisty, Linda.

For God's sake, I'll
do it myself! Honestly!

If you want to do anything,
you have to do it yourself.

-I'm waiting here! -If you want
anything done, ask a busy woman.

Cos the men are too busy
being intimidated!

God's sake, feisty!

-Right...
-f*ck this travesty, f*ck this office!

f*ck all of your f*cking
assistants and f*ck you!

Yeah, she's...she's feisty.

Just got this lovely bottle
of Brunello in duty free.

Oh, you're not drinking!

-That's entrapment.
-Really?

With all of the agents now desperate
to avoid antagonising Alicia further,

Agent Brodie takes a few minutes

before re-entering with
a warm, placating smile.

So, how did you get
on with my superior?

-I need the f*cking loo.
-Alright, yep, come with me.

You see, here it is.

-That's, er...
-Er, I want to use the ladies.

-Ah, it's broked.
-Well, fix it.

We are on to that, Ms Barnes, in the
meantime if you could just use this one.

I'm not using the gents.
I'm not a man!

-No, it's not the gents, it's unisex.
-Yeah, it's unisex.

It has a perfect harmony of male
and of the female. It's unisex.

Do you think sticking up a hand
written sign is gonna fool me?

Do you think I'm a f*cking
idiot? Don't patronise me!

Oh! f*ck this!
You people are unbelievable.

My lawyer's going to have
an absolute field day with you.

-Oh!
-It's acrylonitrile butadiene styrene.

-Yeah, I know that.
-But that's not your problem.

-Well, what's the problem?
-Tell her, Suji.

-Yeah, we're not plumbers.
-We ain't plumbers.

God! Excuse me.

After an unusually
cheerful start for Proctor,

it's been a trying day,

with no resolution to the
issue of the broken toilets.

OK, fine.

However, back in
the interview room,

Agent Brodie finally
has some progress

to report on the
Alicia Barnes' case.

Ah, good news, Alicia.

I've got your documentation
here, so you're good to go.

You know where you're going?

But it seems she found her own
solution to the plumbing problem.

-I pissed in your bin.
-[Grant laughs]

Funny.

Oh!

She's...

She, erm... She really did.
She pissed in the bin.

Er...

Yeah, I'm gonna get
rid of this, I think.

Carrying Alicia's parting gift,

Agent Brodie heads to the
much maligned unisex toilet.

Is that...?

-I can escort you to the cashpoint.
-Yeah, OK, fine.

As delicately as possible,

Agent Brodie finishes clearing
Alicia Barns from Northend Airport.

-Night, Linda.
-Night, Grant.

♪ No doubt about it ♪

♪ I'm on my way ♪

♪ Taking over ♪

♪ I'm here to sta-ay-ay ♪

♪ We're teaming together ♪

♪ That's what I say-ay-ay ♪

♪ One way to do this ♪

♪ Taking over today! ♪

♪ We're taking over ♪

♪ We're taking over today ♪