03x05 - Boonie Christ

[bunniefuu]

That's what I'm sayin'.

I'd do me, I know I'd f*ck it up.

f*ck, so it's... [Squish]

- Damn!
- Damn, Boon.

You hit that mud dead, smack in
the center like a bull's-eye.

Or better yet, bullshit,
but either way, good sh*t.

- [Laughs]
- Yeah, man, no thanks to you, man.

You're supposed to
guard a n*gga's steps.

Me?

What do I got to do with where
you plant your kicks at, Boon?

- Come on, man.
- Jesus, you're Jesus.

You could easily give
a n*gga a heads up.

I know you got divine ability
to see some bull like this

before I step in some bull like this!

Sorry, brah. I'm just wore out, man.

You know, some days being Jesus
takes a toll on your boy.

It's gettin' hard out here, man.
Folks are always in your ear.

They want to come up, and it's
kickin' my ass, dude, and...

You kickin' them laces' asses,
too, dawg. [Laughs]

Oh, yeah, you think
this is funny, right?

I hope that...

No, I pray this happens
to you someday!

Man, that's f*cked up, Boon.
You know I don't wear no socks.

Think of what that'll do to my feet.

Man, get your ass out of here.

Boonie.

[Slo-mo] Boonie!

[Slo-mo] Boonie!!

[Slo-mo] What?!

[Slo-mo squish]

You two for two, dawg!

[Laughs]

Oh, damn!

Even when you try to tell 'em,
folks don't wanna hear the word.

♪♪

[Laughing]

Laughter is one of Pops'
greatest gifts, Boon.

- Laugh a little bit.
- Whatever, man.

You're Jesus. You don't get it.

See, you never really get hurt or...

sh*t, that crucifixion sh*t
hurt like a m*therf*cker.

You're crazy.

Heh. Hey. I'm just sayin', man,

if I had your powers,
I'd be so straight.

So, you think what I do is easy?

Pulling weeds in the Garden of Eden?

Fluffin' angels' wings?

Who you think carved out
the stone tablets

before Moses got his hands on 'em?

Or... Or who you think
mopped up that flood?

Mexicans, right?

I'm serious, Boon! Stop playin', man!

I'm telling you, y'all humans
is straight drama, dawg.

This ain't easy, Boon.

Well, how hard can it be?

Blam! You're healed.

Blam! Extra wine.

Blam! Your pet ostrich
got a female vag*na.

Oh, so you think you can do better?

Pfft! With my eyes closed.

Tsk.

- [Choir music plays]
- Pops, please forgive Boonie

for he know not what he talkin' about.

Well, let him have it one time
so we can show him.

Please, Lord, please.

Let me have that day off
and give this dude

this lesson he so very
badly needs, Lord.

Can he have it?

For real?

Thanks, Pops!

Yep. Pops say it's cool.
He got your back.

Bam! You got my power.

- [Funk music plays]
- [Laughing]

What the f*ck?

[Laughs] Oh!

[Laughing]

I got the J.C. perm!

Hey, do this thing need any chemicals

for upkeep or for anything like that?

Nope. Just an occasional hot comb.

But you got the power,
though, pimp. Ha-ha!

Hey, well, can I do a miracle?

- How about levitation?
- No.

No levitating, Boon.
That's too advanced.

You gotta slow down, pimp.

Oh, man. See, I knew
you wasn't serious.

Man, I ain't gonna give you
nothing that you can't handle.

Matter of fact, go ahead and levitate.

Just go on... Concentrate, brah.

[Laughs]

[Grunting]

Boon.

Is you tryin' to float
or take a sh*t, man?

Relax, brah!

Alright.

Oh, yeah! Oh, whoa!

Baby, you not just beautiful,
you Viagra-ful!

Ah, ha ha ha! Yeah! I love it!

No, no, no, that's a negative!

No carnal lustin' for you, bro.

No, I don't wanna go!

- No! Oh, God. Oh, man.
- Nah, Boon.

We gotta limit your powers, brah.

That bitch was thick.

No levitation.

Oh, well, hey, can I just...

No walking on water!

Oh, sh... Well, at least they clean.

I got a couple of guidelines
to rundown to you, too, Boon.

Do not raise the dead.

Please, no raising the dead, brah.

You mess that up... you have
a zombie apocalypse in the city.

And no smiting and no plagues.

Leave all the vengeance
to pops, a'ight?

It's mine, so sayeth the Lord.

Also, one more very
important thing, Boon...

no sex with Rihanna.

Aw, man! Can a brother have a dream?

No! 'Cause I know for a fact
she ain't f*cking with you!

A'ight.

f*ck it. It's off the list.

A'ight. Enjoy your day, pimp.

Oh! And since I can't give you

me and Pops' special
father-son psychic connection,

he told me to tell you to make
sure you keep your phone on you

so he can get ahold of you
if he needs you, a'ight?

Oh, man! I ain't had
no service in weeks!

And even if I did,
I don't know where it's at.

Don't even trip, pimp.

You know Pops works
in mysterious ways.

[Cellphone ringing]

Where did Boonie's broke ass

get the money to turn
this phone back on?

Boonie: Alright, Boons,
you've got the power.

Let's do this. Alright.

God! [chuckles] Pops! Ha!

Whatever! Ha!

Your boy right here Boonie.
I'm gonna request... ha!

I pray... ha!

I wish... ha!

For some money!

g*dd*mn it, right now, God!

Yeah. Oh, this is b*mb!

♪ Glory, glory Glory, glory ♪

Bring it to Boonie.

♪ Glory to the King
Glory to the King ♪

Miss Calle Reynolds?

Yes?

You just won
the jumbo-supreme sweepstakes

grand prize of $ million!

- [Screams]
- This is bullshit! God...

Thank you, Jesus!

My check! My check! My check!

f*ck that!

Good job, Boonie!

Way to boss their life up, pimp!

Man, you ain't had to
give 'em all that money.

They would've happy with some
beans and horchata juice.

- [Humming]
- [Knocking on door]

One second. [Chuckles]

Holy Jesus!

What's poppin', Lloyd?
W-W-What's happening?

Well, I never seen the Lord,
my God, buck naked before!

Lloyd, only those with the stain
of sin feel embarrassment

and shame at the sight
of what God has created

to be a state of natural perfection.

Well, whatever.

I came by to pray for a favor.

Uh...

That's a negative, Lloyd.
We talked about this already.

I can't make you a drunk again.
I got some stuff to do.

No, no, no, no, no! You're
supposed to answer prayers.

I'm praying for you
to help me fix my water pipe.

- Pray to Boonie.
- Who?

Boonie. Pray to Boonie.

- Boonie?
- Yeah, pray to Boonie.

I gave him my powers so he can
learn a little responsibility.

You know, just let the boy
do something a little different.

Boonie: Must be a trick to it.

Maybe if I don't ask for money,
but something more personal.

Yeah! Hey, God!

Hey, what I really want
is a dope-ass...

Oh. Forgive me for saying "ass,"
heavenly father, but...

if... if I could really sing...

You made me sober and gave
that fool some holy powers?

Oh! sh*t! I wanna... I wanna fly!

Look at it! Put some drawers on.

[Coughing]

Oh.

♪ Oh, beautiful ♪

♪ Ohh, spacious sky ♪

♪ Oh, amber rays of grain ♪

Damn, I can sing!

You know, I've always wanted to sing.

Don't think that this gonna
take the place of me

not getting lit off a bottle of Darby.

Don't work that way.
Thanks for nothing.

Black Jesus: Don't
thank me for nothing.

Thank Boonie.

Jesus.

♪ , , , , , , , too ♪

Boonie! Thank you.
Love the hair. [Chuckles]

Oh, that sounds good.

♪ La-la-la-la-la la la-la-la la laaa ♪

♪ La-la ♪

How do you control this?

You said you can do a better job.

Go on, handle that there, pimp.

[Laughs]

♪♪

Hey!

- [Squish]
- You go to Hell.

Man, seems like the trick
is to get away

from other greedy m*therf*ckers.

Now, listen, we gonna
get our wires crossed.

Yeah, that's what's up.

Okay, God, I see what's happening.

I'm wishing for too much
material stuff, right?

I feel you. I feel you.

A'ight, let's keep it , God.

What I want is that one-true love.

You know, that "Superbad video" woman.

That special lady!

Boon!

Oh, my God. Well, that didn't work.

What ain't working is this situation.

Where you get f*cking money

to get your phone turned back on?

I didn't!

Why you got on that ratchet-ass,
Isley Brothers,

"Fight the Power That Be" weave?

I don't!

And why you buy Boonlinka
a PlayStation

and a -inch-screen TV?

It don't make no damn sense.

She plays with doll babies, Boonie.

See, I wouldn't buy her that.

That was for me!

So, not only are you
not paying child support,

you runnin' illegal scams
to buy stuff for yourself?!

Hey, look, I'm not doing
nothing like that.

It's just Jesus hooked me
up with his powers, Link.

All that stuff was miracles.

It's just, every time
I wish for something,

it goes to somebody else.

Matter of fact,
how did you even find me?

I don't know how I found you
in my life f*cking period.

See? That was kind of f*cked
up divine intervention.

I ain't lookin' for your ass!

And take off this fake-ass weave!

- Feel it.
- I'm feeling this sh*t.

Oh, my God. It is like real hair.

The thing that's trippin' me out

is it growin' out your
natural, black-ass head.

I told you!

Last time I felt hair
this smooth it was

when I was messing
with this Japanese dude.

His sh*t real smooth and silky.

You didn't f*ck to get
no orange chicken, did you?

No, I ain't f*cked
to get no orange chicken.

I f*cked to get child support!

So, don't worry about it.

I gotta go find Jesus

so I can tell him
to take these powers back

before you do something stupid,

like give Stevie Wonder
his sight back.

Stevie don't want to see this sh*t!

He been doin' just fine
with his eyes closed.

Look, Link! Link!

[Clown horn text notification]

No, you can't have a pony, little boy.

What was that?

Teach you how to drive a stick?

These prayer requests
gettin' on my nerve.

Dude, your wife already know!

Man, I've got to get...

Boy, I've got to get out of here...

That is him.

- Alright. Alright.
- Yeah.

- Come on.
- Let's do this.

♪♪

Jesus!

You did done some stupid sh*t now.

But givin' Boonie any kind of power

beyond havin' his own house key
is trouble waiting to happen,

and I can tell you that right now.

Boonie needed to learn
that being the son of God

ain't all fun and games,
you know what I'm talkin' about?

It's hard for Boonie
to learn anything.

[Laughs]

Whatcha... You all dressed up?
I see you got on new robes.

What is this?

You look like you tryin'
to take a skip day.

Even Pops took the seventh
day off to rest.

Jesus, it's Wednesday.

How are you Jesus and don't even know

how many days of the week it is?

Look, Link, I just want
a day for myself.

Can I chill? Can I do me one time?

No prayers, no laying
of hands, no miracles.

But you can't do that.
You're the son of God.

Uh... yeah.

But, uh, if you'll
excuse me, Shalinka.

Oswaldo? What's happening, pimp?

Shalinka: Oh, Okay! I see!

Alright, I see what is now.

A cab rollin' through
picking your black ass up!

In Compton?!

I thought we weren't
doing no miracles, Jesus!

- [Clown horn text notification]
- Will it ever stop?

Hello?

No, I'm filling in for him.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Hey, well, if you ain't got insurance,
you're screwed. Oh, really?

Well, you can't f*ck me
'cause I'm a divine being.

[Clown horn text notification]

Hey, man, the morning-after pill
don't work the weekend after.

- Enjoy your new family.
- [Clown horn text notification]

Hello? Hey, well, me, myself, I
prefer lambskin,

but don't take ginseng
'cause it'll seep through.

[Clown horn text notification]

Hel... Man, that n*gga's show
been sold out for weeks, man!

No! Even God couldn't get tickets.

Come on, man! Let me go!
I didn't do nothing, man!

Hey! Yeah, I loved Prince, too, man,

but I can't raise him from the dead.

Maybe if he was't cremated.

These m*therf*ckers will
leave me the f*ck alone!

g*dd*mn.

There you go.

Not gonna arrest me?

No. We just decided
to leave you the f*ck alone.

Can't explain it,
but that's what's up.

- You want a beer?
- Hell, no. f*ck.

Beer's on the house.

This is just ridiculous.

Man, they ain't never
let me go like that.

- Yeah. There go that chunky...
- Either I owe them some money

or them yoga b*tches
sent the toenail mob after me.

I'm not sticking
around here, g*dd*mn it.

Man: Hey, come on, man.
That's him. Hey!

[Whoosh!]

Come on, come on.

- [Tinkling]
- Welcome, Jesus.

[Tinkling]

[Chuckles]

- Young Lil: Jesus.
- Young Lil!

Oh, I know that ain't
my Lord and savior, Jesus!

- What's happening', pimp, Young Lil?
- Oh! Ha ha! What up, boy?

Oh! It's been a minute, man.

Yes, it has. You're lookin' good!

Hey, man, I appreciate...
thank you. Thanks.

Hey, look, you see the crib?

You see how I'm livin' now, right?

Yeah, man, this is fly.

Oh, man. You know what
you should call it?

What?

"Heavenly Estates."

Ah! Now, see, you just
blessed me again!

Oh! Yo, come on. Come inside, man.

I got Jesus in the house, y'all!

This is player paradise.

And that rug, though.

I got that from Chile.

When you go down there, pimp?

No, no, no, not from South America.

- From TLC.
- Oh, oh. She's so pretty!

- And in great shape. Yeah.
- Yeah.

[Gasps]

I-I knew you...

I knew you was gonna do that!

I knew you was gonna do that!

Man, that's a baller-ass
portrait of your boy, man!

I'm so flattered, man. Thank you!

You know I'm your biggest fan, right?

Brah, brah.

And I know you got one of the
biggest portraits out here, man.

You know what I'm talkin' about?

And this crib! Oh, my God, man!

This crib make the Garden of Eden

look like a little old flower bed.

S-Seriously?

No, I'm just kidding.

You know the Garden of Eden is dope!

You ain't ever been there, brah?
I'm talking about...

Man, there's nooks and crannies

- I ain't even seen up in that joint.
- Really?

- Pops hooked that up. It's fly, man.
- Really?!

You know, but let it be known

that my boy Tyrone Bentley Davis
aka Young Lil

got one of the flyest cribs
in the land, pimp!

All because of you and your pops, man.

- Hey. You blessed.
- I prayed for this.

I prayed for this... all of this!

I prayed.

[Wheezing]

[Doorbell rings]

Hold up, wait, wait, wait.

What's up, party people?

Crowd: Jesus!

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

What up, boy?

What's up, man?

Yeah, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get a haircut, boy.

Hey, Young Lil, you know

I'm lovin' all this love, right?

Man: Hey! Hey! Stop! Hey!

- Where you goin'?
- Hold up.

Hey, stop! Come here! Hey! Come here!

♪ Say Ho-sanna sanna
Ho-sanna sanna Ho! ♪

♪ Ho-sanna sanna Ho-sanna sanna Ho! ♪

♪ When Jesus make it rain
then the green sh*t grow ♪

♪ When Jesus make it rain
then the green sh*t grow ♪

♪ If you down with the spirit,
get your ass on the floor ♪

♪ If you down with the spirit,
get your ass on the floor ♪

♪ Watch Jesus bust a move
that you never seen before ♪

♪ Watch Jesus bust a move that
you never seen before Go ♪

♪ Go Jesus! It's your birthday! ♪

♪ Go Jesus! It's your birthday! ♪

♪ Go Jesus! It's your birthday! ♪

♪ Go Jesus! It's your birthday! ♪

It is not this n*gga's birthday!

It ain't his birthday.
What the hell are you doing?

I'm chillin' with my loved ones

and kinfolk, you know what I'm sayin'?

- Enjoyin' my day off!
- Man: That's right!

Hey, why don't you have some sangria?

Hey, Quan, let her smoke yours.

Jesus, I ain't come here
for this sh*t,

but I will save this for later.

It look like that good,
so I will save it for later.

But, Jesus, giving Boonie
heavenly powers

is like giving a damn a r*cist
some white sheets to make a bed.

That ain't ever gonna
work out the way you expect.

It's all good. We got this
handled, you know what I mean?

And besides, how you find me anyway?

You in my heart for one,
but it's everywhere!

How you this out of
touch and you Jesus?

It's on Instragram, Snapchat,
BlackPlanet, Facebook.

My grandmama even saw it on Myspace.

Look, I don't care what you say,

there's too much going on
for you to be out here partying!

"Go Jesus, it's
your birthday". Really?

Shalinka, you really tripping.

I got this. You see me?
I'm lookin' fly. My hair's whip.

I'm dancin', I'm chillin',
I'm spreadin' love.

I'm sure if Pops thought
I was out of control,

- he would've let me know.
- Man: Yeah, man.

- You want me kickin' it? Can I kick it?
- Woman: Yeah!

♪ Amazing grace ♪

[Crowd gasps]

♪ How sweet the sound ♪

♪ That saved a wretch like me ♪

[Tinkling]

Alright, Pops.
I got you. I'm on my way.

God! That sh*t is amazing!

Yeah, that... that...
that might be a sign.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, let's go
and pack this sh*t up.

Um... yeah, everybody,
y'all can go home.

Hey, why you runnin'?
Why you... Why you runnin'?

That's right. Door's gonna keep
closin' in your life, fool.

What? Aw.

[Grunting]

[Wheezing]

Yeah. Man, why you trippin'?

What's up?

What you 'posed to be?
Fillin' in for Jesus?

- No, I'm...
- No, f*ck that. Don't lie, m*therf*cker.

We went to the park,
and we waited on you.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Jesus!

I don't want this burden no more!

Please! Come help your boy!

- [Tinkling]
- [Soul music plays]

Man: That's my boy.

Man: There you go.

Jesus.

Man: My savior!

Man: Whoa, bro!

What's happenin', young pimps?

f*ck these n*gg*s up.

No, Boon.

It ain't even like that, dawg.

Look, man, these dudes
are just some young men

I meet at the park once a month

to offer some game and some guidance.

A lot of them ain't never had no real,

solid role models in their life, man.

They're just lookin' for some love.

Love?

n*gga, I almost pissed
on myself out here, boy.

Come on, dawg. You can do it. Just...

Just... Just lift your arms up, man,

and let Pops' love fill your heart.

Come on! Come on, hold 'em up!

- You feel that?
- I feel something. It's kinda warm.

That's God's love
filling your body inside.

Now spread that sh*t.
This is Tiny Baseball.

Tiny Baseball, this is Boonie.

- What's up, cuz?
- What's up, man?

- Show me some love, man.
- Yeah, man.

Thank you, fake-ass son of God.

Praise your fake-ass name.

Hey, man...

Kinda cool showin' these little
bastards some love. [Chuckles]

You all right, boy? Come here.

Give me some love, boy.

Your ass gonna get your brains
blew out next week, probs.

You all right, boy?
You look bitty, boy.

I knew you was gonna enjoy the game.

You needed some backup.

What up, boy? Hug that out!
I feel you, boy.

That's a grown-man afro
you got right there.

Yeah, this is cool, Jesus.

Best part of the job, Boon.

Best part of the job.