03x07 - Game of Tweens

[bunniefuu]

Okay, so you should check on Mr. Fritz,

but he'll probably
sleep through the night.

- Got it.
- Also, Alejandro in

is requesting a sponge bath.

- Again?
- Yes, he said that he's

"real, real dirty"

and "only Jeff can help."

Alejandro, stop falling in love with me.

Jeff, what do you think about this?

Oh, God. Is that a man's
head on a pig's body?

Yeah. Bird Bones and I are
planning a retirement luau.

So, Jeff, if you were a
straight man in your s

with, like, not a whole
lot to look forward to,

would you like this poster?

This is a fantasy I am
not willing to entertain.

- [laughs]
- All right, you ready to go?

I don't know. Have you asked Dr. E out?

What's that? No. I'm
not doing that today.

Yes, you have to. It's my cancer wish.

- That's not a thing.
- Come on.

Before I got the big C,

you guys were this
close to sucking face.

Okay, well, can you just
let me do it on my own time?

Okay.

Paging Dr. Ericson. Dr.
Clive Ericson, please...

What are you doing? Stop it.

- Report to the front desk.
- Emma, stop.

- Seriously, stop.
- Hello.

Emma, did you just page me?

- I did.
- Yes, she did.

- My friend Maggie here...
- She wanted to

tell you something. Has something that

she would like to ask you.

Um, I did have... yes, a question

- about the linens.
- No, not it.

That's not it. I wanted to tell you,

you're doing a wonderful
job, and I think that's great.

- Okay, Maggie wants to ask...
- Thank you for your service.

- I swear to God.
- Ow! Ow!

I will do it if you don't do it! Ow!

Just get out of here.

- That's in my armpit.
- Yes, it is.

Rude.

Um, okay, yes. Dr. Ericson,

I actually wanted to ask you if, um,

in your professional opinion,

you thought it would be a good idea

if, uh, we were to go on a date.

- Oh.
- Just, like, a snack.

Or a hot air balloon or...

Um, do you like horses?

Um, in my professional opinion,

I would say that, um...
that that would be a delight.

- Oh.
- And, uh, yeah.

Great! You guys should go to Chavo's!

- Do you like tacos?
- Hey, Emma?

- What?
- Will she be coming too?

- No.
- No, but I'm gonna hear

every dirty deet.

Get out of here. Get out of here!

So just keep it clean... or don't.

- Well, thank you.
- Thank you.

Um, I... There's a patient who's...

Yeah, we got a hospital to run.

- Yeah.
- Or you do.

- Patient's...
- I'm just learning.

Yeah.

[squealing]

[Say Hi's "Back Before We Were Brittle"]

♪ Hey, remember when ♪

♪ All of time stood still ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ Do do do do ♪

♪ Back before we were brittle ♪

♪ Back before we were brittle ♪

Okay, I feel like the
air vent is good here.

But I don't know; maybe he'd
rather sit by the window.

It doesn't matter where he sits

because you guys are
obsessed with each other.

Well, I just don't want this to be one

of my straight clunker
dates, you know what I mean?

Classic Maggie, clunking it up.

You can't go wrong with Chavo's.

I come here all the time.

Talking tableside guac! [laughter]

I thought I heard the guac squawk.

Mi hermano, Jorge!

- All right, good to see you.
- Huh!

- Both: Guac.
- There it is.

- Oh!
- This is George, guys.

He is the maker of the
guac. A true craftsman.

Oh, come on. Guilty as charged.

[laughter]

- You know what?
- Uhhuh?

I'll be back with the good avocados.

- Okay.
- Oh, I love it.

- Muchas gracias.
- Grachias.

[cell phone buzzes]

Oh, sorry, guys. It's Tina.

She's outside; she just needs to tell me

something about work,
so I'll be right back.

Well, just tell her to come in.

No, that's okay. I'll go outside.

- Why? 'Cause of...
- 'Cause of...

[gasps] Oh, what... Why, 'cause of me?

- 'Cause I'm here?
- No.

No, get her in here.

- Are you sure?
- Get her in here.

- It's fine.
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- Hi, everybody.
- Oh, that was quick.

- Hey, Teens.
- Hello.

- Hi, Tina.
- Hello. Oh.

- Here you go.
- So should I sit...

- Sure, do you want...
- Or... would you like

- to sit next to your...
- Oh, uh, okay. Sure.

Um, I'll just go...
Here, you go over here.

I'll just go right in there.

- Maggie, move over.
- Why do I have to move?

Maggie, just go over. This'll be easier.

- Just do it.
- Come on and scooch in.

- Keep going.
- Keep going?

Yes, please. Just,
Maggie, please be helpful.

- Thank you.
- Scooch in.

- All right.
- Hey.

- Okay.
- There we go.

- Everybody happy?
- Everybody's sitting.

Well, I won't be staying long.

Great, I'm gonna have to move again.

I just wanted to tell Emma in person

that Daija Dubois fired her
party planner for her sweet

and we have an interview
with her tomorrow.

What? Oh, my God, Tina, yes!

They're like the
Connecticut Kardashians.

- Good for you guys.
- Yeah.

Tina! It has been a while.

- George!
- Would you two lovers

like your usual,

fajitas por dos?

- Uh-oh.
- No, no, George.

That's a... that's a no on the fajeets.

Did I miss your anniversary?

No, let's shut it down, my man.

- Muchachos.
- Oh, no.

Anniversario.

Enjoy the song of love.

- No, gracias. No, gracias.
- No, no.

Yeah, no, grachias.

They're divorced.

So remember my friend Amy?

The one who looks like Howard the Duck?

Jeff, that's not nice.

She can't help her face.

Anyway, she fell off a boat.

Oh, that's terrible.

Yes, it is. But also, it means

she can't go to Beyoncé tonight.

And you get her ticket? Shut up.

Guess who's getting in formation, bitch.

Work. And work.

Get it. Oh, stop. Stop getting it.

Sorry to interrupt
your little dance, Jeff.

I need the blood work for .

Um, I think it's actually
on the nurses' station.

Is that where it belongs?

It should be... I... I'll be right back.

Okay. Thank you.

- Hi.
- Actually, can I have a word

- with you too?
- Am I in trouble?

You may be.

Oh, okay.

Um...

I don't know what to wear for our date.

- Oh, okay.
- You know, I phoned Chavost's.

- Chavo's.
- Yeah, Chavo's.

- Yes.
- And, um,

they said festive casual.

I... What does that mean?

Is that tie? No tie?

- Definitely no tie.
- Right.

Hawaiian shirt, maybe?

Uh, maybe just wear whatever you would

- normally wear on a date.
- Okay.

- It's just, it's been a while.
- Yeah, me too.

I kind of want to get
it absolutely right.

Blood work is on your desk, sir.

Please don't fire me.

That won't be necessary,
Jeff. Thank you.

And, uh, thank you for
raising those issues.

I will make the necessary,
uh, adjustments to... to those.

And thank... Carry on.

[pleasant music]

- What?
- You know what.

Shut up and make this bed.

♪ ♪

So what is this?

Like, your guest house that you live in?

Um, no, this is the house
house that I live in.

It's very small.

- I want to start now.
- Oh, absolutely.

Should we wait for your
parents to come first?

You're gonna be waiting
a very long time.

They're both in Dubai right now.

Who takes care of you?

I take care of myself.
Who takes care of you?

I don't know. I... Is...

All right, Daija, so for your sweet ,

we thought that a princess
theme might be cute.

Strike one. Do you know how old I am?

I have my own bodyguard named Tony.

- Who's trying to k*ll her?
- So don't come at me with cute.

I want a "Game of Thrones" theme.

- Of course.
- So I want White Walkers.

- Write this down.
- I want dragons.

I want a real ice wall.

I want a man whose hand is missing.

Sorry to interrupt.

The party's only a few days away,

so I don't know if we'll
be able to do all of that.

Then strike three. You're out.

Wait, strike three? What was strike two?

- Your hairdo.
- Oh, hurtful.

Daija, please don't strike us out.

We can get you that man without a hand.

I will cut it off myself if I have to.

- Okay, Tina, Tina, Tina.
- Please let us do this. Please.

Tina, let's not beg. Daija,
honey, what do you say?

Can we make those dreams come true?

You fix that hairdo, we got a deal.

Tony!

We need a man with one hand.

Oh, great. Just great.

Denise had her stupid baby.

Oh, that's awesome. Boy or girl?

Who cares? She was supposed
to cover my shift for tonight.

Now I can't go to Beyoncé.

When life gives you
"Lemonade," it's not supposed

- to turn back into lemons.
- Oh.

Well, why don't you just leave early?

You want me to ask Dr. Popsicle

if I can leave before my shift is over?

- Yeah.
- No way. He hates me.

Well, why don't I ask him? He likes me.

Oh, there you are.

We have some stitches
that need removing.

I'd like you both to assist me.

Oh, okay. You know what?

Jeff has to get to a Beyoncé concert,

so I told him it was
cool if he left early.

No. I need you both to assist me.

It's just stitches.

I think we could probably
do it, right, you and me?

- Can we speak in private?
- Oh, am I in trouble?

- Ooh!
- [laughs]

- Maggie, what are you doing?
- I just want Jeff

to be able to go to his concert.

That's not your decision to make, is it?

Okay, come on, man. It's just Bey.

I am the chief resident
of this hospital.

- You are a student.
- Okay, I'm sorry.

Why did you just turn into an ice man?

I'm just trying to help my friend.

And I just want you to do your job.

I expect better from you.

So can I go?

You know what? I'm gonna stay.

I'm gonna stay.

Hand me that dumb throne.

God, I... I have never
been frozen out like that.

I'm so sorry.

It was terrifying.

All day long, we're
just, like, flirting...

- Yeah.
- And talking about

our date to come.

And then, out of nowhere, he's like,

"I'm your boss. I'm the chief resident."

- [blows raspberry]
- Well, like, technically,

- isn't he your boss?
- Technically, yes.

But that doesn't give him the right

to talk to me like that.

- No.
- Hand me more tiny swords.

Why does someone want to sit on a throne

and get a bunch of swords up their butt?

How can you plan a "Game
of Thrones" themed party

if you've never seen an episode?

- [remote beeps]
- Watch "Game of Thrones."

No, no, no. No. It's a bunch of dragons

and people having sex
with their brothers.

- I'm not interested.
- We are screwed.

I just got off the phone with
the animal trainer, Jerome.

- Ugh, I love Jerome.
- I do too.

He said that direwolves aren't real

and real wolves are too dangerous.

- Mm.
- [headset beeps]

Go for Tina.

Oh, yes. I called about the DJ.

Uh-huh. How many hands does he have?

- What's a direwolf?
- Oh, I'll show you.

- Fast-forward.
- No, no, no.

We don't have time for this.

You have, like, a million
tiny swords to glue.

- Get gluing. Get gluing.
- Fine.

Pause. We'll just watch it later tonight

'cause I'm gonna cancel my date

and spend the rest of my life alone.

Okay, are you really gonna
throw out the entire possibility

of a relationship because
of one awkward interaction?

Well, I don't want to
date someone that could

turn into a White Walker at any moment.

Okay, I don't know what
that is, but I will say this.

Could you have maybe been
just a tiny bit inappropriate?

'Cause sometimes you
don't like to be wrong.

- Whose side are you on?
- How about you tell him

how he made you feel,
give him the opportunity

to say sorry, and then
you guys can move on

and have a million beautiful
British babies together?

Well, our Khal Drogo just
booked a Pantene commercial

and he is pulling out!

Khal Drogo, is he important?

Yeah, he's the horse
lord of the Dothraki.

I hate all the words you just said.

Daija is going to fire us.

And you and I are gonna be
stuck doing retirement luaus

for the rest of our lives.

- What are we gonna do?
- Tina, calm down.

I have an idea.

Um, are you out of your mind? No way.

Please, please be my Calvin Dragon.

- It's Khal Drogo.
- Whatever.

And I can't do it, because
I'm a pillar of the community.

I can't run around like
some oversexed barbarian

from the Middle Ages, as much as I would

- like to do that.
- Okay, you'll be wearing a wig.

Does Tina have any idea that
you're asking this of me?

Tina is % on board, okay?

All you need to do is be shirtless,

wear a ponytail, and
carve some meat for tweens.

- I get to carve meat?
- Yeah.

- Do I get a sword?
- Whatever you want.

- Done.
- Great.

- I'm gonna carve some meat.
- Okay.

- You should've led with that.
- Okay.

- Ho, ho. Shing!
- [whooshing]

- [yells]
- No! What's happening?

- [speaking Dothraki]
- What is that?

- It's Dothraki, baby.
- I'm not interested.

- The language of love.
- No, no.

- [speaking Dothraki]
- Khaleesi.

- [laughs]
- [screams]

♪ I'm a veteran authority,
better than the majority ♪

We've got Wildfire Lime Jell-O,

Khaleesi's Pieces, Celery Starks.

Oh, and of course, our
White Walkers for waiters.

- [growls]
- Oh, God.

Serving dragon breath's punch.

- Color me impressed.
- Really?

Honestly, I didn't expect much from you.

So you're not fired.
Well, you can't fire us,

'cause the event is currently happening.

I can fire you at any time.

You still haven't fixed your hair.

Okay, God.

- [growls]
- [yelps]

[rap music playing]

What is...

Gosh, this buckle.

Do you need some help with
that leather strap, sir?

Yeah, yeah, uh, in the... in the back.

Let's get this out.

This is weird, right?

Seeing you with a full head of hair?

- Yeah, it's really weird.
- [laughs] Yeah.

Actually, I'm really happy
that you're working together.

It's nice that we can be
around each other again.

Yeah.

I kissed Zach.

What?

No, I know. I know. He told me. [laughs]

Oh.

And who is this tall drink of water?

This is our Khal Drogo.

I can see that.

You're not fired again.

You're my date for tonight.

No, no, no, honey. I'm
just here to cut meat.

I am the Mother of Dragons.

You're my sun and my stars,

and it's time to Nae Nae.

- It's time to what-what?
- Just do what she says.

[mariachi music]

[both clearing throats]

[sighs]

♪ ♪

So the website was right, wasn't it?

It's very festive. But casual.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm good.

Actually, I feel like we should talk

about what happened at
the hospital the other day.

Yeah, that would be great.

'Cause I didn't like the way that felt.

And I thought it was, um, inappropriate.

Absolutely, yes. Um...

And, you know, it's
okay, because, you know,

sometimes we act in ways that
are not our normal selves.

- Yeah.
- And, you know,

you regret that, and that's okay.

Right. Exactly.

- So you won't do that again.
- What?

I said, you won't do that again.

Sorry, I'm a little bit confused

'cause I thought you
were apologizing to me.

- Why would I do that?
- Because you contradicted

a very simple request that I had.

Okay, as I remember it,

I requested a simple favor, right?

And then instead of behaving
like a normal person,

you turned into some sort
of, like, White Walker.

Okay, so what actually happened was,

you demanded a favor in
front of a fellow nurse.

- It was just Jeff, though.
- Okay.

So it starts with Jeff,
and then it goes on

- to other people.
- What are you talking about?

It's very complicated, all right?

To date somebody at
work, it's difficult.

You know, I know because I've done it.

- In my experience...
- I've also done it.

I've had lots of relationships.

I mean, just a couple. And
they were not at work...

- Some of them were at work.
- Okay, I've had experiences

where people use my
status at the hospital

- to climb the ladder.
- Oh, and you think that

that's the kind of person that I am?

I'm not saying that. I'm not...

Because if that's the
case, why would you even

go on a date with someone
if you thought that they were

trying to use your
status or your "stay-tus"

- or whatever... however you say it.
- Maggie!

- Okay.
- Wow, two nights in one week.

Are you ready to rock some guac?

Yeah, that sounds good.

[sighs] Do you know
what? Do you think, um...

do you think you could go
away and we do this later?

- All right. [laughs]
- Thank you.

No, George, actually, I would like

to rock the guac, if you don't mind.

- Okay.
- Is that cool?

- We do what I want?
- Yeah, let's do that.

Let's do what she wants.
Let's do what she wants.

Oh, no, you know what?

I'm so sorry. I forgot.

Let's not do that, 'cause
he's the chief resident

of tableside guac, so what he says goes.

- [chuckles softly]
- Okay.

That's not what I'm saying, is it now?

Listen, listen, we do...
we do want it, okay?

- George...
- We do want it.

- We don't want it.
- George, come back here

because we do want it.

Okay, I swear to God, if you cr*ck open

an avocado, I will lose my mind.

Okay, you know what? I'm gonna go.

- This is not going well.
- Come on.

- Maggie, please.
- These booths are ridiculous.

I expected better from you.

Maggie.

Do you still want some guac?

- Yes, I would.
- Okay.

- The guac is usually for two.
- Great.

[hip-hop music playing]

How do you guys come up with this stuff?

The Red Wedding cake.

Apparently, in some cultures,

the bride wears red instead of white.

Emma, it's blood. The red is blood.

- What? Why?
- I'd love to book

you two for the fall.

My daughter Natalie turns in October,

and she loves "Orange is the New Black."

- Is that a cartoon?
- I will start

ordering the jumpsuits. Okay.

Now, tell me, is she
open to a face tattoo?

Point me to your roast beef station.

Wait, what happened with your date?

Well, it was a disaster,

'cause he only cares
about his dumb reputation,

- and I'm not interested.
- I'm so sorry.

- Do you want to talk about it?
- No.

I want to shove my mouth full of meat,

and then I want to hit the dance floor.

- Okay.
- Hey, White Walker,

give me one of them beef sliders.

- [growls]
- Oh, what you got?

I ain't afraid of you, man.

I ain't afraid of nobody.

[soft music playing]

Hey, Daija, this has been a lot of fun,

but I really got to get
back to my real girlfriend.

- Call me Khaleesi.
- Okay, Khaleesi, I just...

- Ow!
- Hello, Greg, Julie.

This is my boyfriend, Khal Drogo.

Uh, no, no, no. No, not
her boyfriend. [laughs]

- He's a real man.
- I'm a grown man,

which means I'm a not
dating a -year-old, so...

We're in love and we're gonna
get married and live in Queens.

Okay, I'm out, 'cause I was
just supposed to cut meat.

That's all I'm supposed to do.

My party is ruined! Everybody, go home!

Oh, no.

Hey, hey, what's going on?

- What happened?
- Julie was my best friend.

And I liked Greg, but
Greg didn't like me.

He liked Julie. So now me and Julie

- have to be mortal enemies.
- Okay, well,

you don't have to hate each other.

I mean, I used to be
married to Khal Drogo.

- That's right.
- But then we got a divorce,

and now he's Emma's boyfriend.

I mean, actually,
we're closer than ever.

It wasn't easy at first,
but we worked on it

because, well, Emma's important to me.

Oh, Teens, you're important to me.

- Aww. [chuckles]
- Come here.

Hold up. Let me get this straight.

That fine man was married to you,

keeping it tight and also right?

- But now he's with her?
- Yes.

I've got one thing to say about that.

Please, we were having
such a good moment.

Downgrade!

Well, at least you got your Nae Nae on.

I didn't even. They didn't
play it while I was here.

Aw.

Well, well, look what
the cat dragged in.

Huh?

- What is he doing here?
- I might've texted him.

And why do you have his number?

Remember when you told
me I shouldn't Google

- about cancer anymore?
- Yeah.

Well, he said instead of
Googling, I should text him.

So at : a.m., I'll text him, like,

"Hey, am I gonna die?"

And he texts back,
"No, stupid. Go to bed."

- He does that?
- Yeah, dummy.

'Cause he's a good guy.

Now, go to him.

Come on.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

Um, so listen, I had
long talk with George.

- Our waiter?
- Yeah, we had a...

we had a lot of
tableside guac to finish.

And he asked me why we were fighting.

And I don't know why we were fighting.

Yeah, I don't either.

Why did that get so crazy so fast?

It was my fault, and I'm sorry.

- No, I am sorry.
- No, no, no. I'm sorry.

It was... it was all my fault.
No, because I overreacted.

- No, I overreacted,
- and I'm sorry.

- Okay. We're doing it again.
- We are, yeah.

I will say this: I
don't love to be wrong.

And I need to tell you that I do believe

that I was inappropriate last week.

No, I, um...

I was the one who handled it badly.

- Look, I really like you.
- I like you.

And I don't like how
all this got started.

Do you want to start over?

Is it possible to do...

[soft rock music playing]

That's my, uh, answer.

Well, I like that answer. Um...

But I mean, we are... we are
gonna have to work together.

Is that gonna be too
complicated for you?

Hmm. You know what?

- That's my answer.
- Should we just

answer each other all night?

That would be really good.

♪ Close for you ♪

♪ For you ♪

Milady, the meat has been carved,

and my sword has been sheathed.

Oh, thank you most kindly, horse man.

- Actually, I'm a horse lord.
- Who cares?

Well, I've got some good news.

I just booked us three more parties.

Tina, yes! Oh! Bring it in here, guys.

- We nailed it. We nailed it.
- Oh, guys.

- Nice.
- Excuse me!

Thank you for my wonderful
party and for the advice.

Oh, you're welcome,
Daija. And happy birthday.

Uh-oh. Hold me tighter, Greg!

You're a man, not a boy.

What happened with Julie?

Julie's out. Greg's with me now.

Daija, that's not what we said.

You play the game of
thrones, you win or you die.

Greg, tighter!

I'm sorry, did she k*ll Julie?