04x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

Just gonna be a second.

Come on. Sharon's gonna be back
in half an hour and I need a piss.

I can't get up.
Have you wiped your arse?
19 secs inc

Agh!

Why are you doing that noise?

Thank Jesus Christ!

I dreamt I was drunk
and I couldn't get off the toilet.

Are you sure it was a dream?
Sounds more like a memory.

Er, what time is it?

It's 3:15.
You should go back to sleep.

Fergal gets in at some stupid hour.

Jesus.

What?

I just don't know if
I can deal with him right now.

And why are you having to plan
his birthday party?

Plus, adults shouldn't HAVE
birthday parties.

You sound like a supervillain.

Good night.

Can I play with your tits
a little bit?

Do you mind if I go back to sleep?
No.

Then go nuts.

What do you think?

Well, my concern with Maroon Thrive
is that their set list includes

both Shaggy and Enya, which is
impressive, but it's, like,

"Where's your passion?"
It's grand for a bar mitzvah,

but for a milestone birthday...
I say we keep looking.

I'm not asking what you think of
them. I'm showing you who I booked.

They're not that bad, are they?
No, they suck.

They'd be perfect for your party.
Maybe we could get Mallandra

to play her castanets along with
'em, jazz 'em up a little bit.

Mallandra's not coming.
Why isn't she?She didn't want to.

They threw a little ham party for me
in Spain anyway.

By the way, no ham at this party.
No. We can get pizzas delivered.

What do you think? 9:00 PM?It
depends what time we cut the cake.

You know what?
I would cut it after musical chairs

but before the pinata.Just because
you're unhappy with your life

doesn't mean I can't celebrate mine.

What did Captain Piss Parade do
for his 40th?

I can't remember what we... Weren't
you in Toronto for your 40th?

No, I wasn't. I was supposed to be,
but I changed the trip

to be here for my birthday.
But it is funny how,

through the mists of time,
you've latched onto the Toronto myth

to absolve yourself.
It was probably so last-minute,

we didn't have time
to organise anything.

I didn't need to go to the Ritz. We
could've gone to f*ckin' Five Guys.

I love Five Guys. Let's get
Five Guys instead.Unbelievable!

Also we need to get some balloons.
Maybe black balloons?

Black balloons?
I'm not turning seven.

You know the sort of thing.
Masculine balloons.

Fine. Who else are we asking?

Do you know Mum's coming over
for your birthday?

Yeah, sure she is!
What do you mean?

She's coming to see her new man.

What the f*ck?!

And it's not even Fergal's fault.

It's the fact that Sharon
not only tolerates him

but enjoys him that drives me insane.

Yeah. You said that at the meeting.
And, you know,

this is the kind of time
when I would've drank,

but I'm not gonna give him
that power, you know?

It would be like giving a weasel
a machine g*n.

What's funny?

Your biggest problem right now
is some assh*le who lives in Spain.

I wish I could worry about stuff
that small.

What would YOU like me
to get upset about?

Take your pick! There is
some bad sh*t coming down the line.

I mean, we are not far away from
total societal collapse, my friend.

Did you know London's water supply
could be compromised like that?

Man, you need to get off
your basement computers.

This isn't paranoia!
There are two points of entry -

Croydon and Hampstead. You hit
both of those at the same time,

you can expect four million
casualties in under an hour.

Four million? Aren't there, like,
ten million people in London?

That's not THAT bad.
Anyway,

picked up our New Zealand passports
this morning,

so we got a game plan.
What? How'd you get those?

Dark web.

I mean, it started out,
I just wanted to see if I could.

I mean, they're not
a hundred percent legal,

like in court, but for fathers
who care about their families,

New Zealand really is
the only way to go.

Want me to look into it for you?

The flight was lovely, and Stephen
was waiting for me in arrivals

with a home-made panini.

I... I have a panini press.

... Who are you?

I mean, how'd you meet -

Well, Stephen was on a sh**t
in Mullingar.

Stephen's a model,
if that's not obvious.

You're a model?
Well, technically.

It's all very new.
I was an accountant for 40 years.

Stephen was scouted
in Gatwick Airport

on his way back from Ayia Napa.

Wow! That's...
I didn't know that... that...

that people even... I just thought
young models grew into old models.

You know, after a while
you stop doing swimsuit stuff

and you start advertising
hot-water bottles.

No. I, er...

I do swimsuit work.
Rob was nearly a model once.

I wasn't.He was.
People say that I, um...

Does anyone want a drink?
Yeah.No.

Hello!It's Fergal.

Hello, son!

Mwah!

This is Stephen.
Stephen, this is my son, Fergal.

Hi.
Come here, you!

Did you see the way she laughed
at his jokes?

It was obscene.
Who uses their tongue to laugh?

What WAS that?
Do you think they're having sex?

I dunno. Maybe. She still has
her original hips, right?

God!
I don't know how I feel about that.

I mean, we barely have sex anymore,
and that's fine,

but not if my mum's
gonna be doing it more than me.

Maybe this is a wake-up call. Shall
we start making more of an effort?

I don't know. I mean, here's how
I feel about sex with you these days.

On paper, it sounds amazing.

But if you were to initiate it,
like, tonight, I'd just be angry.

But I still have the fond feeling

when I look at you.
Maybe that's enough.

Goddammit, it IS enough!
9 secs inc

Your mum's boyfriend's
a feckin' ride. Good for her!

No, not good for her! My dad d*ed
six months ago. That's nothing.

There's stuff in my fridge
that's more than six months old.

How's it going, Rob?
Do you want a drink?

No, thanks. I have alcoholism.Even
on your brother-in-law's birthday?

Yeah, even then!That's why
AA would never work for me.

It's, like, "Be reasonable."

I told Anna to get here for 7:30.
Is that OK?

I thought you and me could get there
early, blow up the balloons.

I can help with balloons. In college
I taught myself how to tie them off

with my tongue.
Also, I've no gag reflex.

That's... unrelated.

You all right, Ciaran?

Are we meeting the other
St Joseph lads in the pub?

No, no. I think it's just me. A lot
of those lads don't like Fergal,

so they didn't really know why
you invited them.

Why don't they like him?
Some f*ckin' timeshare bollocks

in Montenegro
that he roped them into,

that went tits-up the second
their cheques cleared.

You look lovely, Fergal!

Do you have eyeliner on?
No!

Just a bit of lip gloss.

Come on.
Honey, I have sad news.

I have diarrhoea.
And it's pretty bad,

so I don't think
I can make the party. Sorry.

Bullshit. You've diarrhoea?
I know when you've diarrhoea.

The house smells like a poultry farm
and you're covered in sweat.

OK. I don't wanna come to
Fergal's party.

What? You have to come!
I don't have to come.

Look, just tell him I have diarrhoea,
and it hurts,

and he won't care anyway.
Yeah. He might not care,

but I'd really like you to be there.
Come on. It'll be fun.

Honey, look - my idea of fun isn't
pushing Fergal home in a wheelbarrow

cos you're too drunk to do it.
OK, the Pope.

Well, you know what? The wheelbarrow
thing sounds like brilliant fun,

so maybe we've got
a bigger problem here.

But it's good to know
that this is my future

as the wife of a dry drunk. You used
to stand in the corner scowling

at parties.
Now you won't be there at all!

Well, I hope you have
some hand cream in your bag
in case you have to jerk off any -

That's just a funny joke
that we have.

Um, so, listen, er, looks like
we won't need you tonight, Anna.

So, I'm sorry -
What? Sorry if I cancelled plans,

and I was gonna use the money to buy
my nephew Rocky a birthday present?

So what I'll do is,
I'll just go read upstairs,

and, um, it's great that you're here.

Everybody!

Hey! You having fun?
No.

Maybe it wouldn't feel so pathetic
if you hadn't booked an actual barn

for my party.
Was the O2 Arena not available?

I'm sorry. I expected more people.
Right! So it's my fault?

This is not an honest representation
of me as a people person.

Do you wanna dance, Ciaran?
Sure.

Let me drink... three more beers.

You're on!

This is considerably more depressing
than your father's funeral.

out

break

"An agonising wait for the sugar" -
What?!

They don't have nearly enough time
to do spun sugar.

What, do they think
they're Rumpelstiltskins?

Why don't you go to the party?

I don't like my brother-in-law.
Do you like Sharon?

Yes, I like Sharon.
Just not enough to go to the party.

How does that work, then?
What do you mean?

Well, you don't like fun.
Sharon does.

"Don't like fun"!
Ask Ricky Pratt if I like fun.

We went to karate camp together.

Yeah. We were animals! So it's...

I won't be late.

f*cking Christ!

Love Cats by The Cure

♪ We move like cagey tigers

♪ We couldn't get closer than this

♪ The way we walk,
the way we talk... ♪

How are you? You OK?
Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.

I mean, I'm lonely in my own home,

but apart from that,
everything's great.

Chris looks happy.
Everybody LOOKS happy.

You don't.
Fran! Do you want another gin?

Can I get you... No.
You look like you had enough.

Er, hello!
So, Douglas,

how did you get into
the whole plastic-surgery game?

Did you go to med school
to become a real doctor,

and then think, "You know what?
Any arsehole can save a life."

"What I'd like to do
is give women weird, hard tits

that start at their collarbones."
It's not all tits.

Last year I reconstructed
an eight year old's face

who'd been att*cked
by a neighbour's dog.

Well, that...
I mean, that's different, that.

But I also did an eye lift yesterday

for a woman who had
a similar issue to yours.

I'm not currently taking
new patients,

but I'd be happy
to give you a referral.

I don't have an issue!

Do I?

Where's Mark and Shane?

They f*cked off.Why?
I think they went bowling.

For f*ck's sake! Here,
let's get some of that new drug,

the one that anaesthetists use.
The one that k*lled those people

in Glasgow?Yeah, that one.
OK. I'll call my cousin.

What?
Can you still get hard on those?

Ma'am? Could you open the doors?

The stop's just... there.

We're an inch from the stop.
You couldn't even use feet

to measure it.

Sir! Leave the doors alone, please!

Thank you.

Check out the artist
formerly known as Douglas.

I didn't know you two
were back together.Och, aye.

I'm only seeing him because of...

Don't matter.
No. What were you gonna say?

I messed up everything, didn't I?

I screwed everything up! Sorry.

I've had a couple of drinks.

No, that's good, because I wanted -
Can you ask him to come back?

What?Jeffrey.

Can you tell him I'm sorry
and ask him to come back?

Fran...
You've got that... lovely girl,

and I've got...

..nothing.

Going out with a male model.

Our mother. It's not even funny.

It's better than going out
with a DJ.

Como te llamas?
Sofia.Should've known.

What if she's up for it? What are
you gonna do then, you clown?

I dunno.

Couldn't get any Fentanyl,
but I got this.What are they?

They're blue.
Sweet!Yeah?

Yeah? Would ya?
Come on, take us down.

Come on, ya bollix!
Agh!

My... God!

♪ I need excitement,
I need it bad

♪ And it's the best I've ever had

♪ I wanna hold her,
wanna hold her tight

♪ Get teenage kicks
right through the night

♪ All right...

Hey!

So, what's your angle?

How do you mean?
You know she's still grieving,

right? So anything she tells you
is just nonsense,

like a fever dream.
There's no way she's over my dad.

It would be strange if she were.
She's told me how hard
his death hit you all.

Sounds like he was a wonderful man.
Yeah, well, he was.

Nice to see you two chatting.
How are you getting on?

Yeah, great. He's great.

I think, you know,
if you two hit pause,

and then picked it up again
in a couple of years

when you've had proper time
to grieve for Dad,

I might even feel good about it.
Here, can I have a Babycham?

Argh!
What the hell?!

What are you doing?
Fergal! What the f*ck?!

♪ I wanna hold her,
wanna hold her tight

♪ Get teenage kicks
right through the night

♪ Hey ♪

Hey, guys!

We should maybe take a taxi.

Why?
So we can get home quick and f*ck.

I'm ovulating.

Right! Let's, er...

What do you say we go somewhere
and... have a chat?

Why am I even having to deal
with this anyway?

Stop talking at me like that!
You're always moaning about -

I'm not... Hey, you came!
Hey! Did you bring any diarrhoea?

What the hell happened?
Does he have a pulse?

Relax, Nancy.
He's just taking a breather.

Back off, Fergal!
What is your f*cking problem?You!

You think you're better than me?
Right now, yeah.Well, you're not.

You're like a f*ckin' fun-vacuum.

You're like the Reverend
in Footloose.

Everyone, stop dancing!
Stop having fun!

The Reverend f*ckin' Rob Norris
is here.

Jesus Christ. Your eyes are a
hundred percent pupil. Are you high?

It's my birthday!
Fergal! Nobody gives a sh*t.

Six people showed up to celebrate,
and one of them's your mom.

The f*ck...?

Just be careful!

f*ck!Get off him!

Fergal, what the f*ck? Get off him!

Um... who are we here for?

Come on!

What the f*ck is going on with you?

Are you having a mid-life crisis?
I'm not having a mid-life...

My wife f*cking hates me.
When I drive into work,

I think about pulling into
oncoming traffic.

Yeah, maybe it is a crisis.
Not mid-life, though. Come on!

Jesus Christ! So,
what are you gonna do? Leave her,

because you cannot continue
like this.

You are gonna get yourself
in serious trouble

being this much of an arsehole,
Fergal.

You're gonna be in a bar one night,
mouthing off,

and some Spanish Vinnie Jones
is gonna smash your face in.

I can't leave her.What?
I f*ckin' made a promise to Dad.

I told him I'd work it out
with Mallandra.

Why would you promise him that?
It made him smile.

Fergal, he'd had a stroke.

He didn't have full control
of his facial muscles.

Morning.

Morning.

Where's Ciaran?Um...He slept
in Frankie's bunk bed last night.

He's got a concussion, though,

so I think it's important
that we let him sleep.What?

No. That is the opposite
of what you do.

I'll go check on him.

Does anybody have a mint?

It doesn't matter.

I owe you probably 15 apologies.

Look, it's OK. I had a bit of
a revelation earlier.

I used the toilet after you were
in there this morning,

and the seat was warm,
and I got really angry.

But then I thought,
"Why do I care how it got warm?"

It's warm and it's cosy.
What I'm trying to say is,

you're my wife's brother, and...
I'm glad that you're leaving,

but I know that you'll be back
at some point, and that's fine.

Just out of curiosity,
have you ever hated anything
as much as you hate me?

It seems a little excessive.

Shar...
Sorry. Can just... Sorry. Can I go?

Mum...
I'm sorry about how I behaved.

You've just lost your husband.

You should be able to do whatever
you wanna do when your husband dies,

including f*ck up. Which you're not.

I guess I'm trying to say don't
break up with Stephen on my account.

What were YOU gonna say?
I was just going to say,

I left five euros for Frankie
under his pillow.

Be careful, OK?

That fit at that age,

it just seems a bit... I'm just
saying he could be gay, you know?

I mean, he's such a good dancer.
I don't want you to get hurt.

Well, if he is gay,
he's under deep cover.

How long would you wait to get
together with someone after I die?

Like, if I had to go out
and look for 'em,

it'd be, you know, a couple of years.

But if somebody came up to me
and was, like, "I'm f*cking you now,"

then, I would wait, like, you know...
a day or two.

Yeah.

If I die, I would be fine with you
being with someone else, you know?

I'm dead. I don't care.

But if the slut
you get together with

even suggests my kids
call her "mum", I'll haunt her,

and if Muireann has her period, you
come to my grave and you tell me,

not your mail-order bride.
That's non-negotiable.

Hey, I'm sorry I never threw you
a party for your 40th.

I didn't want a party for my 40th.
Well, a picnic, then,

or we could've gone to the beach.

Just makes me wanna cry,
thinking about it.

And I'm sorry about Fergal.

I know sometimes it seems like
I put my family first,

but I love you,
and that's why I married you,

and not him.

And also because I'm fun.

Well, you still think I'm fun,
don't you?

I know I said fun for me

isn't rolling you and Fergal around
in a wheelbarrow,

but, you know, I'd give it a sh*t.

You are plenty of great things.
I don't need you to be fun.

Well, tough luck, because I am.

Get off!

Stop!

Jesus!
I'm sorry!

MUSIC: Catastrophe Theme
by Oli Julian