03x04 - MC, Middle, Headliner

[bunniefuu]

- Hey.
- Whoa! Petey.

- What's going on?
- What's up, buddy?

Back from the...

- back from the college tour, right?
- Yeah!

Hey. I'm, uh... I'm back.

I don't care.

ALI: My boyfriend and I,

we just took our relationship
to the next level.

We broke up.

JASON: Women, you don't
have to shave entirely.

Otherwise, it just feels like
another part of the thigh.

If I'm going into a rough neighborhood,

- I wanna know it.
- Oh, boy.

- Hey, hey.
- Yeah?

I think women are f... funny.

Spread the word.

What am I doing wrong?

No one in here knows that you
are the next Kevin Hart.

I'm not the next Kevin Hart.

Kevin Hart is Kevin Hart.
We have a Kevin Hart.

He's... perfect for the part.

I'm just a... I'm a club guy.

Shouldn't we hustle?

Show's at eight. There might be traffic.

Easy, Pete. There's no show without us.

That starts on the way down, baby.

It's an attitude. You gotta...

You gotta own this thing, you know?

Pete...

the middle act drives.

Didn't I tell you that? The
middle act drives, baby.

- Come on.
- Okay.

When I was starting
out, I drove Jay Mohr.

Had to listen to "Who Let
the Dogs Out?" 17 times.

The guy was obsessed.

Never let them see you sweat, Petey.

You're gonna be doing this for years.

You gotta learn to relax a little bit.

Yeah, yeah. No, I...

I wasn't really sure what to do next,

but I'm kind of saying
yes to everything.

That's good, man. That's
what you gotta do.

You gotta get up when you can
get up. You gotta grind it.

That's my thinking. I'm even, you know,

sort of considering doing
this, um, Christian tour.

I mean, it's not... it's
not a certain thing.

They just... I did a show at a temple.

A woman said, "I think you'd be
good for the religious market,"

- so I have an offer, but...
- f*ck that!

Pete, I meant...

When I said everything, I
didn't mean everything.

I mean real comedy.

Real. Not some f*cking
whacked-out Jesus sh*t.

Right.

Yeah, no. I'm not sure
I'm gonna do it, either.

Good.

You gonna buckle up?

[SIGHS]

You know, the statistics are in.

Come on.

[HEAVY METAL BLARING ON STEREO]

Let's roll, Petey!

♪ Can the pestilence
within you be bled out? ♪

♪ May I have the honor
of this amputation? ♪

♪ Know that you have made an enemy ♪

♪ To show you the meaning of indignity ♪

♪ I live now solely for the
pleasure of your slow decay ♪

- [MUSIC STOPS]
- JASON: Oh! Hi-yah!

Whoa. Whoa.

This is it?

This is it.

What do you mean, "This is it?"

You never stayed at the
Comedy Club condo before?

No.

Is this your first club weekend,
your first full weekend?

Yeah, I've only done
one-nighters, colleges.

You are gonna love this here, man.

This is not like the city,

where they have a bunch
of entertainment options

and nobody really cares
that you're there.

Here, they're grateful
you just showed up.

Get ready, baby. This is it.

Do you like waitresses, Pete?

Uh, yeah, I like when they
call me "Hon." That's fun.

What the hell are you
talking about, Pete?

Why would you ever get into comedy

if you don't want to bang waitresses?

Wow. It's like an assassin's hideout.

This is a hot scene, baby.

I've got good memories here, believe me.

- Look who it is.
- ALI: Ah!

- Al. Hey.
- Hey.

What are you... Are you
working this weekend?

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, I just saw the lineup.

We could have, you know,
come up together.

Yeah, I wish I had known.

Hey, guys, let's get some ground
rules down, huh? Road sh*t.

I sleep all day, so keep
it down before four p.m.,

unless, of course, I'm still sleeping.

Also, if you eat some of my food,
I will eat all of your food.

That is the Chicago way.
Connery, Untouchables.

I'm gonna go take a nap.

If you hear any noises,
I'm doing push-ups.

[AS ANDREW DICE CLAY]: Oh!

[BOTH LAUGH]

Wow.

- That, uh...
- Yeah.

... that must have been a fun commute.

Did he bring a book of CDs with him?

No, but he did think
Spotify is a laundry app.

Who...

- I don't know.
- So many feelings, so many thoughts.

- Yeah.
- [SIGHS]

I'm surprised to, you know,
see you in deep Jersey.

Yeah, I, um...

I'm still running that,

- that late-night set.
- Oh, right.

Yeah, I was working on it
in the city, but I just

kind of felt like I needed
to get a new read on it.

- Oh, absolutely.
- Yeah.

You gotta make sure it works for,

- you know, real people.
- Yeah.

- Uh, how are you?
- I'm good.

Good, good, good.

I started, um... I'm actually
dating somebody now,

so that's... that's nice.

- Cool.
- Very nice.

Yeah. Kat, her name's Kat. Kitty.

- How's it going?
- It's great.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, it's going really great.

It's actually going so well,

the only thing I worry about
is how well it's going.

[CHUCKLES]

Glad you could still find a way

- to worry about it.
- Oh, yeah.

- [ALI LAUGHS]
- That's my specialty.

- I'm like Anxiety MacGyver.
- Mm.

I can make a b*mb out
of even a good thing.

Mm-hmm.

Oh! Fun fact.

There's a lot of cheese in the fridge.

Like, whoever was here before
just left all the cheese.

Great, I'm starving.

[LAUGHS] Are you seriously
gonna eat the cheese?

- No!
- [LAUGHING]: I really thought you were!

I do not want to eat Pablo
Francisco's cheese.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER PA]

You know they got a go-kart track

on the second floor of this mall, Pete?

Maybe we'll go.

- Can I help you?
- What's up, man?

- Can I help you?
- Yeah, sure. I'm the headliner.

I, uh, I'm the guy.

Okay, what's your name?

Serious? My... Jason Webber,
I'm on the marquee.

I got a big f*cking poster out front.

I have Jason Webber at
the front entrance.

Have you seen the poster?

Let me do the poster for him.

ALI: Mm.

That's the face he does on his poster.

- I do it right there on the poster.
- Do it again.

- Watch this.
- Look at this.

That's... See?

Sorry, man, I'm not a comedy fan.

- Follow me.
- [PETE SIGHS]

Okay.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Here you go.

Okay, okay.

Nice.

It smells like leather.

Hey. Hi. Hello.

- I'm Gavin. I'm the club manager.
- ALI: Hey.

Now, you met Steve. Deborah's
gonna be taking care of you.

What happened to Richie?

Remember Richie? Richie was a great guy.

I'm sorry, I don't know Richie.
I don't have any idea

what occurred here before
the club was acquired.

The guy was a blast, a
lunatic, but a great guy.

He used to keep his g*n on
the desk when we settled up.

- Yeah, hold on.
- It was a bit.

Uh-huh. No. Yeah.

Right, it's a boneless wing.

Right. But no, it's a wing.

Right, so if you're looking for it
alphabetically, it'll be under W.

Okay, I've got the running order here.

- Ali, you're hosting. It's ten.
- Yeah.

We need, you know, big energy, bright.

Okay. Yeah.

I'm just running a late-night
set, so that's fine.

And here are the announcements.
Please read all of them.

A lot of info on there: social media,

drink specials, upcoming events.
Even a couple jokes on there.

Oh, you wrote... You guys
wrote jokes for me to say?

Yeah, just to make it easy on you.

Oh, that's really helpful. Thank you.

Please read those
verbatim. They do work.

Cool.

- All right, Pete.
- Yes.

- You're our middle. You'll do 25.
- Right on.

And you do 45. Please keep to time.

There's a red countdown clock right
at your feet. You can't miss it.

Not a problem. 45, tight as a
drum, wall-to-wall laughs.

I'm not prepping some late-night
set that nobody's gonna see.

- Okay.
- ALI: Okay.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Kid runs a tight ship.

- Dude, what the f*ck was that?
- What?

Are you that insecure

you have to tear me down
in front of the manager?

Tear you...

Oh, sorry, Ms. Seth Myers.

You know, listen, I wasn't talking about

your set specifically. I'm
talking about all of it.

- Mm.
- It's all bullshit.

If you were doing late-night, you
wouldn't think it was bullshit.

Let me tell you something.
Late-night d*ed with Letterman.

Late-night sets are now
just YouTube videos

with the Hyundai commercials
you can't f*cking skip.

That's what it is. Nobody
watches this sh*t anymore.

- Mm-hmm.
- There's a billion f*cking channels.

- Nobody sees it.
- Okay, all right. Whatever.

[SCOFFS]

[SCOFFS]

[WHISPERS]: "Whatever."

- [AUDIENCE CHATTERING]
- ["LOVE SHACK" MELODY PLAYING]

♪ The Chuckle Shack is... ♪

ANNOUNCER: All right, Chuckle Shack.

Are we ready for a great show tonight?

[CHEERING, WHISTLING]

Your host tonight is a very
funny and talented comedienne.

Please give it up for
the lovely and talented

Ali Reissen!

[CHEERING]

Hello. How are you guys?

- [CHEERS]
- Yeah? Okay.

- Clap it up for yourselves...
- [APPLAUSE]

... and these wonderful high ceilings.

It's so great to be here. Oh, my God!

I have to say, of all the
clubs I've done in New Jersey

between a Chipotle and a Target,

this is the one I'm doing right now.

[LAUGHTER]

I was told I have to do some
of these announcements,

so, um, here we go.

You can find the Chuckle
Shack on social media.

You guys have social media?

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

They are @TheChuckleShackComedy

on Twitter, on Facebook,
on Instagram, on Snapchat.

Okay, it's shocking
they have a Snapchat.

Um, every Sunday this month at one p.m.

there's something called
Two-Milk Minimum.

It's family friendly comedy.

The show is so funny, you'll
laugh till you squirt...

- [SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
- ... milk out of your nose.

It's actually real. That's actually
written here for me to say.

All right, guys. Well,
it's so cool to be here.

I actually have some exciting news.

I am doing stand-up on
television next week

- on Seth Myers. Yeah.
- [CHEERING]

Would it be okay if I ran
my set for you guys?

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Okay, awesome.

I'm just gonna get into it.

Okay, here we go. I'm
gonna do the whole...

Hey, guys. Great to be here.

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

Oh, my God. My name is Ali,

which is short for Allison.

Allison sounds way more
sophisticated, right?

Like, Allison could
win a Pulitzer Prize.

Ali could win a free Blooming Onion

for taking a tit out at Applebee's.

You know what I mean?
It's a different...

It's a different vibe.

- [ALI CONTINUES OVER TV]
- [PETE LAUGHING]

Oh, stop.

She's doing good.

- If you're into that, I guess.
- I am.

Hey, guys. I'm Deborah.

I'm gonna be your server tonight.

Can I get you anything right now?

Oh, yeah. Can I please have
the Cedric the Enchilada?

Amazing. And for you?

I'll have a couple of Heinekens
and a sh*t, whiskey.

- Okay.
- Pete, whiskey?

- No, I... No.
- No?

I... I got to go up.

[SCOFFS] I'm traveling
with Paddington Bear,

I apologize. Uh...

Okay, so couple of Heinekens and a sh*t.

Can I get you a sh*t? sh*t of whiskey?

Oh, no, I can't drink while
I'm working the tablet.

It starts to get all blurry.

- Blurry tablet, okay. Um...
- Yeah.

- All right, I'll, uh...
- So a sh*t for you?

Yeah, just a sh*t for me.

- Okay, thanks.
- Yeah.

Oh, if you could chill it, please.

- Perfect. Bye, guys.
- Thanks, Deborah.

Ah...

How 'bout that?

Pays to be the headliner, huh, Pete?

[LAUGHTER]

I don't like it. I
don't like the museum.

It's boring. I don't want to go.

When I'm at the museum,

I'm not looking at paintings
to appreciate them.

I'm staring at the painting,

trying to figure out how long
is appropriate to look at it,

so when I walk away, the other
people in the room aren't like,

- "Well, he didn't get it at all."
- [LAUGHTER]

So I make a real serious
face. I'm like, "Mm-mm.

Look at the brush strokes. Oh, yeah."

But in my head I'm just like,
♪ Honey Nut Cheerios! ♪

[LAUGHTER]

♪ Have 'em for breakfast
or lunch, you decide! ♪

It's not even a real song.

Give it up for Jason Webber!

[CHEERING, APPLAUDING]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

All right! What's up, fucker?

- [CHEERING]
- I don't know. Listen.

Sometimes stereotypes are just
kind of a reality, you know?

So, that's not racism, you know?
It's pattern recognition.

I mean, if you want to go see
a film in a quiet theater,

steer clear of Harlem,
you know what I mean?

We're all a little bit r*cist, right?

I mean, who hasn't walked onto an
airplane, seen a Chinese pilot

and thought, "I'm gonna buckle
up a little bit tighter."

- [SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
- What do you want from me?

I mean, I don't know how to
be a man sometimes, right?

I mean, I'm not sure how
to approach a woman,

how to approach a girl, you know?

We live in a time where, uh, you
know, we're all on thin ice.

I mean, I don't know...
I don't know how...

What am I supposed to say, right?

I mean, what's more creepy

than asking a girl whether
or not you can kiss her?

"Hey, do you mind if I, um...

- "I mean, I just wanna...
- [LAUGHTER]

"I'd like to take this...

"this one and this one and... uhh, uhh.

Could I... uhh!"

You know, "Do you mind if
I use tongue? Could you... "

You know, I don't know
how to talk to a girl.

And how are we supposed
to get into actual sex?

I mean, do you write out a form and say,

"Hey, do you mind if we,
uh, do a little f*cking?

"Would you... Is it okay
if I put it in missionary?

How about dog-style?"

Do I say, "Hey do you mind
if I, uh, slip this in?"

"Oh, okay." "All right."

"Do you mind if I, um... Is
it okay if I pull it out?"

"Okay."

"And do you mind if I speed it up?

"Do you mind if I... Yeah! Oh, oh!

"Was that okay? Sorry, I didn't know.

"Is it okay? Is it not okay?

Is it okay? Is it not okay?"

[CELL PHONE BEEPING]

- Hey!
- KAT: Hi!

- Hi!
- There you are.

- Oh, my God.
- Hi.

- I miss you so much.
- I miss you, too.

- How was the show?
- It was good.

I'm in a Comedy Condo.

I feel like I'm on a stakeout

or in witness protection.

Hey, Pete, you're cutting out a little.

Sorry, can you hear me?

- Um, yes. Okay, yeah.
- There's like no cell service here.

- I think it's a Verizon community.
- [KAT LAUGHS]

Um, but, yeah, I'm good. How are you?

Oh, I'm good. It was a long day at work.

It was... Yeah, it was just busy.

Now what? You got your pajama-jams on?

Yeah, now I'm just in bed
just thinking about you.

Oh. I wish I was there.

Yeah?

Why do you wish you were here?

Yeah? Uh...

Um, well, uh...

This is f*cking ridiculous.

Hello.

We just tore the club down
and you're drinking tea?

I'm drinking tea, and I'm
pretty psyched about it.

Where's Pete?

I think he's in his room.

What, am I on the road
with the f*cking Osmonds?

Enjoy your chamomile.

Enjoy your push-ups!

[DOOR CLOSES]

[MUTTERS]: f*cking weirdo.

- I'm so deep right now. I'm so deep.
- KAT: Oh, yeah.

- Yeah.
- Oh, f*ck.

- How... Are you close?
- I'm f*cking close.

- Yeah?
- Are you... Are you close?

Yeah, I'm close.

I want you to...

Hold on. Kitty, you're cutting out.

- Can you hear me?
- Yeah, I can hear you.

- Can you hear me?
- I'm close. Are you close?

- Yeah. I want you to come.
- I'm so close.

- I'm gonna come. Are you close?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, do you wanna come for me?
- Are we gonna come?

I'm gonna come. Come
with me. Come with me!

Oh, God!

[MUFFLED]: Oh, God.

Oh!

[GRUNTS]

[GASPS]

[PANTING]

Kitty, yeah, that was amazing.

Are you close?

I'm... Are you there?

Can you hear? Are you close?

Kat, I... I'm done.

Oh, you... f*ck, okay.

- I'm sorry, I thought you...
- No, I'm right there. I'm right there.

- I'm so close.
- You're close?

Yeah, just keep on talking to me.

- Talk dirty for me.
- Okay.

Yeah, talk about your
hard cock for me, Pete.

It's a... It's a sad scene down there.

Okay, just...

It looks like a cheese
doodle in the rain.

Pete, no bits. Don't do
bits right now. I just...

Okay.

I'm f*cking...

I'm making you beg for my big hard one.

- Uh-huh. Yeah?
- I'm f*cking you so hard and so deep.

- Uh-uh.
- Gonna wedge my soft one in there.

- Pete!
- [LAUGHING]

I'm just gonna... Just give me a second.

No, no, no. Don't... I'm f*cking you.

I'm f*cking you, I'm sorry.
I'm f*cking you...

with my Sorcerer's Stone.

- Pete!
- Here comes my Goblet of Fire.

Stop! It's not funny. I'm not...

I lost it. I'm not...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it's just,

as soon as I come, you know, sex,

like, it doesn't really make any sense.

I can't... I'm really sorry.

No, it's fine. I'm glad you
came. I'm gonna, um...

This is just like the sex
shop all over again.

I'm s... sh*t.

I'm not in the mood anymore.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Kitty...

- Bye.
- [PHONE BEEPING]

[LOUD KNOCKING]

Petey! Come on, baby, let's roll!

What the f*ck?

You don't want to get tea-bagged, do ya?

We're going to the mall, bitch!

Let's go. Come on, Petey!

We're gonna make it happen.
You're gonna love it.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay, good. You're all here.

Um, I've been trying to get
a hold of your manager.

I manage myself. What do you think,

I'm gonna pay someone ten
percent to pick up a phone,

maybe answer an e-mail? No, thanks.

Okay.

Well, I need you to middle tonight.

What are you talking about? I
thought we had a nice flow.

We're gonna try something new.

Okay. Hey, Pete, are you
comfortable headlining tonight?

- Uh, yeah, I can do 45.
- Okay.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

We received complaints
about your set, okay?

- Comment cards?
- No. Yelp.

- Yelp.
- Yes, Yelp.

We dropped a full
half-star in one night.

We take that very, very seriously.

Yelp. Really?

You dropped half a star

and you're gonna give these
f*cking jerk-offs the power?

If somebody's a p*ssy, f*ck 'em!

Honestly, you should just
be happy we're keeping you

on the show at all, if
you can tone it down.

If I can tone it... Did
you see that room?

Who do you think packed that room?

We papered the house.

That was our mailing list.
We gave them free tickets.

This is... This is bullshit. This...

This is bullshit.

- PETE: Jay...
- Uh-huh. No, yeah.

Well, it is in the system
under "open food."

Hold on. Yes?

Um, I was just wondering if
maybe I should headline.

'Cause, uh, I'm not trying to,
like, overstep my boundaries.

It's just that I have more credits,

and, you know, I didn't get complaints.

- [LAUGHS] So...
- Yeah.

Actually, the owner did have
some suggestions for you.

Oh, really?

Wa-Was he here?

He watches on a livestream
from Florida, so...

- Oh.
- Mainly, just the global note is just

have more enthusiasm overall.

Have fun with it, you
know, smile more. Right?

- Smile more?
- Yeah.

[LAUGHING]: Oh! Just did it.

I just feel like right now, it
feels like you're pretending

to want to read the announcements,

and I want you to want to
read the announcements.

- Right.
- You know,

- you're excited about saying them.
- Oh, okay, yeah.

Great. Good luck, everyone.
Have a good show.

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

Smile more.

Cool.

I'm sorry, Al.

And I thought you smiled
just the right amount.

JASON: It's code, sweetheart.

It means they want a bubbly
chick to open the show.

It's tits and teeth.

Dude, you just got demoted to middle.

How are you lecturing me?

Tits and teeth, that's all you are.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Um, two drink specials tonight.

We've got the Chuckle Shackery
and the Jack and Joke.

It's, uh... Yeah.

And, uh, for an extra ten dollars,

you can get it served to
you in a laugh carafe.

You should definitely do
that if you're utter trash.

[LAUGHTER]

All right. Well, now that I
only have three minutes left,

I guess I'll start my set.

I'm eating into the time as I speak.

Um...

You know, I think I'm gonna
do some new material tonight.

- [CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
- How do you guys feel about that?

I just have to say...

I don't get these idiots

who don't understand the
concept of consent.

They're like, "I have to ask
if she wants a d*ck in her?

Wait, what? That's gonna totally
throw off my momentum."

[LAUGHTER]

You ask questions all g*dd*mn day.

You go to McDonald's, you say, "Hi.

"I don't want pickles on my burger.

Can I make sure that there are
no pickles on my burger?"

It shouldn't be daunting
to say to a woman,

"Hey, can I put my
pickle in your burger?"

[LAUGHTER]

She's torpedoing my act.

ALI: Women love questions.

- Right? They love them.
- [APPLAUSE]

I get off on questions.

"Can I take you to
dinner?" [MOANS] You know?

"Do you wanna meet my
parents?" "Yes!" You know?

"Can I f*ck you?" [MOANS] "Now you can!"

Guys, this has been such a treat.

I'm gonna bring up your
middle for the evening.

- Are you guys ready for your middle?
- [CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

Oh, my God. That's so wonderful.

You're gonna love him. He
is a delight and a half.

Give it up for Jason Webber.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

What's up, f*ckers?

How about a hand for Ali Reissen?

Or maybe a fist, that'll loosen her up.

- [SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
- [WOMAN GROANS]

Nyah! Nyah! Nyah! [CHUCKLES]

Anyway, um...

You know, listen. Consent, you know.

She's... "Oh, consent is
so easy. We all get it."

I don't know, you know? I'm
not sure we all do get it.

Right? I mean, it used to be you
got it, you know? I mean...

Is there anything more creepy
than asking a girl to kiss her?

"Hey, do you mind if
I put these on-on... "

[MURMURS]

You know? And how we
gonna make sex happen?

Now you gotta ask outright,

"Hey, do you mind if I put it in?

"Hey, Sweet Pea, are we gonna
do it missionary or dog-style?"

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

"Hey, do you mind if I insert?"

- [GRUNTS]
- [AUDIENCE SILENCE]

"Do you mind if I
insert this?" I mean...

And then her... And then once
you get it in, it's like,

"Do you mind if I take it out?"

And what about it when I put it in?

Do you... You know, what do I do here?

- And, huh? I'm...
- [SILENCE]

"I'm about to-to... " and
then, you know, like,

"Where do I arc the load?"
You know? I mean...

"Is it okay on your back?
Should I just...

What if it hits you in the foot,
you know? You gonna sue me?"

- Huh.
- [SILENCE]

- [JASON CLEARS THROAT]
- [AUDIENCE MURMURS]

Um...

[PANTING]: A female friend of mine...

Female friend of mine goes
to Mexico to get, uh,

get knock-off birth control
because it's cheaper.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Do we really think that's a good idea?

I mean...

there are a lot of Mexicans.

ALI [OVER TV]: ... love him, I
promise. Give it up for Pete Holmes!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Here you go.
- Hey,

just the person I wanted to see!

- Do you need anything else?
- Did you see those dipshits out there?

Yeah, that was rough.

- I'm really sorry.
- Oh!

Anyway, do you have... Did
you get a sh*t as well?

Um, no, that's okay. I'm
good. Thanks, though.

Come on. It's a tradition.

You know, I mean, you're the only one

that seems to be any fun
around here anyway.

- Um, no, thank you.
- All right.

On the clock. I get it.

[PETE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER TV]

Hey, Deborah, listen.

I'm at the Club Condo
right up the street.

If memory serves, they got a
bottle of tequila back there.

I think it's even the good
stuff, might be a gold of sorts.

I, uh, um... I was thinking, um...

You, me, you know.

Uh, sorry. Do you need
anything else from me?

No, no. I'm... I'm not working.

I'm off tomorrow, which
means you're off tomorrow,

- which means we could really...
- Dude. Come on. Stop.

[SCOFFS] What? What do you mean?

Come on. You know.

Did you see that f*cking crowd tonight?

What, are we supposed to
walk into the night alone?

You know, I saw your lower-back tattoo.

I know what you like, dirty girl.

- Come here.
- Dude!

Wake the f*ck up, okay?

God, that kind of sh*t? That's so over.

- Jesus.
- Okay, we got some wires crossed.

No, f*ck you! f*ck you!

Do you know what the worst f*cking
job in this whole club is?

It's working the f*cking green room,

because you guys think that we all
want to talk to you, and we don't!

- We really don't.
- All right, okay.

So just leave me alone and
let me do my f*cking job.

- Okay?
- I hear ya. All right?

I apolo... Look, don't
tell Gavin, would ya?

Because, you know, I
gotta work this club.

This is how I make a living.

- Besides, you hit on me in the first place.
- Oh, come on.

- This f*cking...
- [DOOR SLAMS]

PETE [ON TV]: ... get too
comfortable swearing.

Recently told my doctor,
I don't f*ck with cheese.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[CRICKETS CHIRRING]

PETE: Hey.

Do you, uh, you wanna go?

- Yeah.
- You okay?

f*ck... No.

- I-I...
- It's just one weekend, Jay.

- It doesn't matter.
- You know they cut my pay?

They paid me as the
middle act both nights.

I'm sorry.

[LAUGHING]: Okay.

[CLEARS THROAT]

This sh*t used to be fun, Pete.

It used to be... It
used to be dangerous.

What do you think Bill Hicks would
do if some broad complains?

He'd give a f*ck? He'd flick
a cigarette at her tits.

- Well...
- No! It's like, if I were a f*cking...

If I were a biracial lesbian
doing the same material,

that crowd would have carried me around.

They would've had a parade for me.

It's a shitty time to be a
straight white guy, Pete.

Oh, my f*cking God.

Oh, look who it is.
Samantha Bee, everybody.

- I mean, really, dude?
- Really.

Come on, man. It's a hard
time to be a white guy?

Have a little accountability, okay?

You're not the victim.

And just because you're up there

pacing around and wearing
a leather jacket,

doesn't mean you're
telling it like it is.

Who gives a f*ck what you
think? I like leather, okay?

- Jay...
- And I'll tell you something else.

You burnt my f*cking premises. You
don't do that to another comic.

Okay, well, a comic does comedy.

What you did was... hmm, let me think...

- hate speech?
- Let me tell you something.

When we wake up from
all this PC bullshit,

we'll see what it looks
like for you then,

you f*cking Nescafe,
chamomile-sipping c**t.

You know what, Jason? You're a c**t.

I am sorry that you've been doing
comedy for 15 f*cking years

and all you have to show for
it is managing The Boston.

Twenty-two years!

Twenty-two!

Okay, um...

I think my Uber's here,

so I'm gonna...

See ya, Pete.

Ah, look, you know...

It's gonna be fine.

Name of the game, right? I mean...

You come out to a club, it
doesn't always go your way.

You take a little slap on the wrist.

You clean it up for a couple of months.

You're right back in the game.

[SIGHS]

[EXHALES, GRUNTS]

All right, you're driving.
Middle. Middle drives, baby.

Grab your bag.

[HEAVY METAL MUSIC
BLARING OVER CAR STEREO]

[VOLUME DECREASES]

[VOLUME INCREASES]

[HEAVY METAL MUSIC BLARING]

PETE: Wow, thank you guys so
much. How are you guys doing?

- [LOUD CHEERING]
- Wow. God is good!

- AUDIENCE: All the time!
- All the time?

- AUDIENCE: God is good!
- That's right!

Clap for yourselves, everybody.
It's wonderful to be here.

- [CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
- [GOSPEL MUSIC PLAYING]

- ♪ How I got over ♪
- ♪ How I got over ♪

- ♪ How I got over ♪
- ♪ How I got over ♪

♪ My soul looks back and
wonder how I got over ♪

- ♪ How I got over ♪
- ♪ How I got over ♪

- ♪ How I got over ♪
- ♪ How I got over ♪

♪ My soul looks back and
wonder how I got over ♪

- ♪ Just as soon as I see Jesus ♪
- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪

- ♪ The man who made me free ♪
- ♪ Oh, yeah, oh, yeah ♪

- ♪ He was the man that bled and suffered ♪
- ♪ Oh, yeah, oh, yeah ♪

- ♪ Who d*ed for you and for me ♪
- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ I want to thank him
because he brought me ♪

♪ I want to thank him ♪

♪ Because he taught me ♪

♪ I want to thank God ♪

♪ Because he kept me ♪

♪ I'm gonna pray to God ♪

♪ He never left me ♪

- ♪ I want to sing ♪
- ♪ Hallelujah ♪

- ♪ I might shout this evening ♪
- ♪ Troubles over ♪

♪ I'm gonna thank Jesus ♪

♪ For all he's done for me ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

- ♪ How I got ♪
- ♪ Over ♪

- ♪ Over! ♪
- ♪ Over! ♪

I'm excited to be on tour with you.

We can get room service and do dr*gs.

PETE HOLMES: It's a Christian tour.

And we're staying with my parents.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

My best boy in the whole world!

Hello, Mom and Dad.

Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

I'm so glad the Lord
is using Peter's gift.

Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead.

Can you imagine if Jesus raised him

and Lazarus came up like...

"Oh, man!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

What are you doing?

She just told me to put on a bra.

Well, are you wearing a bra?

It's not church, it's a comedy show.

In a church!

[MUSIC CONCLUDES]