03x11 - Firesale

[bunniefuu]

ALEX: Previously, on "Casual"...

I can't feed you, I can't house you.

I don't even know where I'm sleeping at.

- But I want to help.
- Help here.

I mean, there's Skid Row,
immigration, housing...

But I want to help you.

We should do this every day, right?

What, the crossword?

[laughs]

At least until the construction stops.

Did you have these made
before I got here?

No.

CLARK: You're sad. Why are you sad?

My friend moved away.

Do you love her?

So, Jack and I went to Fresno.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Met Rich and his family. They're sweet.

I'm sorry, who's Rich?

VALERIE: He's my half-brother.

I don't know... I don't know
what my f*cking problem is.

[heavy breathing]

BOTH: [laughing]

Totally overrated.

LEIA: Absolutely % properly rated.

They're like every other family.

Like... like the Osbournes.

- That's slander.
- And the inbreeding?

BOTH: [laugh]

There's got to be a lot of inbreeding.

No, not anymore, and also,

no one wears a lace dress
like Kate Middleton.

- That I will concede.
- Thank you.

[phone buzzing]

- LEON: Oh. [Clears throat]
- _

Have you seen "Fun Home"?

It's a vibrant musical.

"Hamilton" before "Hamilton."

LEIA: Oh, I'd love to see "Hamilton."

- [phone buzzing]

Um, sorry, can you excuse me just one...

[keys clicking]

Is everything okay?

Leon...

I want you to know these last few months

have been wonderful.

They've been surprising,

and tender,

and intimate.

They've been perfect.

Exactly.

And perfect is scary for me.

[sighs]

My dad's a fuckup, and the
rest of my family's, like...

Let's just say...

Perfect isn't me.

Okay.

But I want it to be.

They say that your ideal partner

is someone that you would be okay with

if everyone else in the world d*ed.

And I really hope that doesn't happen,

but if it does,

and there's, like, a terrible disease,

or, like, a solar flare or something,

that leads to a mass extinction,

and somehow just the two of us

are the only ones left alive,

I think I'd be okay.

Relatively.

You make my heart burst

when you walk into a room.

Will you walk into every room with me?

Will you marry me?

- [sobs]
- Is that a yes?

My mom always said to get
verbal confirmation.

Yes.

[applause]

[laughing]

[applause]

[cheers and applause]

[panting]

Yes?

[laughs]

Yes.

Very much yes.

Good.

I'll make breakfast.

No, I have to pick up Clark.

- Oh.
- You still have that son?

Oh, you know, I thought
about getting rid of him,

but the tax credits are...

RAE: [screaming]

Oh, my God. Look.

Leon's engaged. Holy f*cking f*ck.

- You text with Leon?
- Oh, my God.

It's perfect. Leia and Leon.

So alliterative.

Who's Leia?

Val's assistant. With her cat.

Jesus, you don't care.

Leon wants to get coffee later.

You don't think... oh, my God.

You think he wants me
to be the best man?

Alex, I'm naked, and I
need to go and get my son.

Right. Rae, bye.

- Mm.
- Thank you.

- Sorry.
- That's okay.

RAE: I'm just so excited.

Is it a green card thing?

No, it's love, actually.

And this has been going on for...

- Seven weeks.
- Oh, my God.

- Wow.
- [giggling]

- Leia!
- I know it seems fast,

but sometimes you just know, you know?

He's my person. My survival partner.

Will you be a bridesmaid?

I... I've never been a bridesmaid.

Well, I'd like you to be mine.

- Well, I'd be really honored.
- Yay!

Okay, I'm sharing your
info with my sisters.

They're hosting an engagement
fête for us tomorrow.

I thought you only had one sister.

Biologically, yes, but she's
addicted to methamphetamines.

These are my Delta Sig sisters.

They can be kind of much, but you know

what they say: You can't
choose your family.

But you did choose them.

No, they chose me.

Leia!

[screams]

ALEX: Hey, this is Alex.
Leave a message. Or don't.

I'll look at my call log
and decide whether or not

to call you back. [Beeps]

Did you hear? Okay. You must have heard.

I mean, Alex, this is crazy.

Did you know about any of this?

And now I'm a... I'm a bridesmaid.

Oh, my God. Call me.

[sighs]

[phone buzzing]

Oh, f*ck me.

My friend was supposed
to come with me, but,

she got roped up in some work sh*t,

and so now I'm out a copilot.

I thought you weren't supposed to go

to strangers' houses you
meet on Craigslist.

Safety's ideal, but it's not

- an actual thing.
- Right.

Also, Pep Boys is walking distance.

f*ckers tried to upsell me, though.

Brakes, shocks, filters.

Like, bro. Oil change. Oil.

Grease it up and let's go.

Sexism, right?

- p*ssy grabs back.
- Damn right it does.

So why you going to Sac-to?

- Volunteering.
- Trust fund kid?

No, just upwardly mobile.

So you're leaving tomorrow?

At the stroke of midnight.

I drive on a lunar schedule on
account of my vampire blood.

And I f*cking hate traffic.

I'll just need a hundo
for gas and tolls.

That much?

Is that a problem?

No, not at all.

Leon.

Leon! Hello!

Hey.

[sighs] Congratulations, man.

I'm a little surprised... I
mean, I'm a lot of surprised.

Why didn't you say anything?

Also, what are you thinking
for the bachelor party?

I hear Cartagena is
amazing now that it's not

overrun by cartels... we can
finally get that cocaine.

- About that...
- I'm kidding. I'm just kidding.

Seriously, that's amazing.

And speech-wise, what are you expecting?

Jokey? Sentimental? I mean,
I suppose a good speech

- does a little of both...
- Alex.

You're not my best man.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm happy just to be a groomsman.

I'm not a groomsman?

It'll be a small wedding party.

- I introduced you to Leia.
- Valerie introduced me to...

I introduced you to Valerie.

No, you didn't.

- That Aussie guy?
- That the best man?

Ryan. Yes.

Oh, man.

This must be what girls
felt like in middle school.

You're a friend.

A good friend.

Please don't take this the wrong way.

Yeah, no. Of course not.

We're having an engagement
party tomorrow.

Um, it would be good to have you there.

Nice, yeah. Cool.

Schedule permitting, but sure.

Oh. Blowing up.

Ah, sh*t. Office needs me. I got to run.

Uh, congrats, man.

Seriously. So happy for you.

Never join a sorority.

- Duly noted.
- Do you have a Bitmoji?

'Cause what is the point?

What, of a slightly more attractive,

Anglicized avatar that takes funny sh*t

from gay culture and makes it our own?

Yas, Queen.

And look, don't their faces
look eating disorder-y?

What's with that? What
are you doing here?

Getting back into photography?

Uh, yeah, you could say that.

I call this one "Still Life With Table."

[phone dings] VALERIE: Oh, good.

"Get it, gurl!"

Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus.

[doorbell rings]

- Oh.
- Hey.

I brought ice cream.

- Hi.
- Leon and Leia are having

an engagement party later.

I know it's short notice,
but if you feel like

celebrating the love
of two near strangers,

then the invite's on the table.

Could be hard for me to get a sitter.

We only need to make a cameo.

You gonna get spoons, or
should I eat with my hands?

I am not above eating with my hands.

Clark's gonna be here any minute.

Right. I got mint chip. He
loves mint chip, I think.

He does love mint chip, and so do I,

but I don't think it's
time for him to eat

mint chip with the two of us together.

Especially when the mint
chip shows up unannounced.

Oh.

Of course.

Yes, that makes sense.

Um...

If I don't put him first right now,

he won't call me when he
gets to college, and...

Yep. Right. Keep that
for the two of you.

One's enough for me.

- Thank you, Alex.
- Uh-huh.

JACK: No, no, Randy Brown
was New Mexico State.

Luc Longley was New Mexico.

And Luc Longley named
a species of shrimp.

Yeah, he's a big shrimper, Luc Longley.

I have no idea. [Laughs]

Okay, yeah I got to go,
but let's continue

this conversation tomorrow at length.

Okay. Bye.

Hi.

- Hi.
- What's up?

Well, my stomach won the w*r

against my brain and it's
seeking reparations,

so how do you feel about tacos?

Oh, sh*t, I kind of just ate
with some guys from work.

You just kind of ate?

I ate a cheeseburger to completion.

I thought we were gonna eat together.

JACK: Well, you should have
texted me, I would have.

Well, why didn't you text me?

'Cause I would have gladly
eaten a cheeseburger.

I will next time. Sorry.

That's fine, I'm just gonna...

I'll eat an appeasement yogurt.

What do you want to do tonight?

We have plans?

You're here, aren't you?

We could watch movies.
Hang out on the couch?

Okay.

Are you mad at me?

No, it's... no, it's
just these bridesmaids.

I mean, they want me to pick
up mason jars and mini-pies.

It's like a Pinterest-sponsored
shakedown.

- Mini-pies?
- Yeah.

And Alex still hasn't called me back.

- Which is just...
- Well, that...

Is maybe a good thing.
Maybe he's finally

jumping off the codependency carousel.

[snapping fingers]

Have you seen my running shoes?

She has a kid, dumbass.

You can't just show up uninvited.

I was reeling.

Leon and I have a one-sided
friendship, yes,

but that's inevitable because
he never asks anything of me.

He's a saint, Saint Leon, and I can't be

held to the standards of Sainthood.

Why do you think he didn't
tell you about Leia?

I don't know, maybe he
thought I wouldn't approve.

Or he was nervous. Or racial politics.

He told me a month ago.

When I asked about his life.

- Oh.
- When I moved from Brooklyn,

all my friends were like
so pumped that I was

manifesting my destiny, right?

Well, when I packed my U-Haul to go,

only my best friend Julia showed up.

Never even had to ask.

When you really care about somebody,

you pack the U-Haul.

- Hey.
- VALERIE: [gasps] Yay.

Wow, you must be the only antique store

with a personal delivery service, huh?

- You'd be surprised.
- Huh.

Hmm. Nice office.

- Very generic.
- Thank you.

Actually, I k*lled my therapist
and took over the space,

so I'm still just kind of
finding my way around here.

- She probably deserved it.
- I got a random question.

You ever leave your shoes on a bed?

- No.
- Right?

Because the sanctity of the bed

cannot be muddied by shoes.

I had an ex who wore a
mouth guard to bed.

- She left that sh*t everywhere.
- Eww.

Yeah, no, my problem is more clothes.

Just leaves them around for me to find

like little sweaty prizes.

You're already living together?

No, but he's half moved-in,

so I can't ask him to leave now.

Why not?

Then he'll go to a hotel, and

I'll freak out that I
kicked him off the wagon.

Right, totally, so
instead, you just let him

define the relationship on his terms.

- I get it.
- No.

I am supporting his recovery
in whatever way is necessary.

- Convincing.
- Oh, shut up.

Forget it, what do I know? I'm...
I'm just the jar guy.

Wait, that's what you are.

Yes, you're the... oh,
you're the jar guy.

Um, I do have to go to a braid bar,

because nothing says "nuptials"
like adult women in braids.

Maybe they could braid you a noose.

Oh, yes, just...

[gagging]

- [laughs]
- Thank you.

Uh, that's a good camera.

It's a piece of junk.

Well, maybe you could buy it anyway.

I'm just a young girl, a
young girl with dreams.

Yeah? What dreams?

World peace?

[sighs] $ for the lot.

$ ? No, I need at least $ .

Honey, this is a fire sale.

I know desperation when I see it.

It's a buyer's market.

$ ?

How about I give you $ for the table?

It's worth at least $ , .

No, it's worth what someone's
willing to pay for it.

Which, at the moment, is $ .

Table's not for sale.

Okay. $ for the lot.
Take it or leave it.

Take it.

ALEX: The sound bothering you?

I can't do anything
to quiet it, but I am

inquiring about your perspective.

Oh. I'm fine, but thank you.

Yeah. Hey.

That's a really great b*rned head.

[growls] Yeah. [Laughs]

Yeah, I mean it.

[doorbell rings]

Oh. Hi.

Did we have plans?

Is that how you greet
your only daughter?

Oh! Hi! Do we have plans!

Yes, a little forced, but better.

How much do you need?

No.

I'm not that kid. Tell
me I'm not that kid.

- How'd you know?
- Teenager shows up

unannounced on her
divorced dad's doorstep?

That's a classic.

Yeah, so is depressed

single dad day-drinking.

[sighs] I've missed you.

[laughs]

ALEX: I can't pretend I wasn't
hurt by groomsman-gate.

But a truth was revealed,
as with all great gates.

[coughs] I know the friendship

between us is at times tipped.

So, I wanted to give you this.

A bedroom?

It's an office.

Yeah. See? Desk and everything?

Rae said they're doing
construction at your place,

so you've been working at a coffee shop.

And I thought, why not
work here, rent-free?

I... I don't know what to say.

Say yes.

Say no. Say whatever you want.

It's your decision, and I
will respect it either way.

The baristas think I'm a screenwriter.

They keep pitching themselves for roles.

But you're a composer.

- I am a composer.
- [laughs]

So you can let yourself in.

All right, tell me
about this engagement.

Did you get down on one knee?

Actually, Leia proposed to me.

Le-on! Let me see that ring.

I mean, clearly my
priorities were wrong.

I spent all summer... thank you...
going door to door

and speaking at city council meetings

to hold billionaire oil
companies accountable,

and I should have just
been a sandwich artist.

They didn't pay you?

Organized labor will enjoy a
nice footnote of history.

[sighs]

How much is half? $ , ?

$ , .

But my body will be pristine again,

and I promise not to have another crisis

for at least a month.

I don't believe you, but still, I pay.

That's called faith.

Oh, hi.

You didn't tell me that
Laura was coming by.

I think I might have only
gotten enough for two,

- but I can go back and...
- No. It's fine.

I don't think she wants to suffer

through a full meal with us.

No, you guys enjoy.

[phone ringing]

Hi.

An apology aloe was unnecessary.

ALEX: Thought it was more
discrete than roses.

- [laughs]
- I'm sorry about yesterday.

[sighs] Thank you.

ALEX: And don't worry about
that engagement party.

It's an open bar, so I'll just

drink until I'm numb enough to dance.

Now you tell me you can dance?

ALEX: Well, I don't, really.
It's more moving

my limbs indiscriminately to rhythm.

Well, I could maybe get
away for a couple hours.

- Yeah?
- But you have to dance for me.

[laughs] Absolutely not.

Okay. Bye.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[phone dialing]

ALEX: Hey, this is Alex.
Leave a message.

Someone's been reading Goop.

Why didn't you fix this?

I haven't had time.

You don't have a job.
All you have is time.

- Actually...
- Buckets and buckets of time.

- It's just a table.
- That's not the point.

All I ask is that you
take responsibility.

I let you do whatever you want.

Can you please just fix the table?

Fine.

Thank you.

Awh...

[groans]

Ow.

- Don't start.
- No, you look beautiful,

- by the way.
- Yeah.

I love it. It's like... DNA.

- Mm.
- The building blocks of life.

Great.

I think I left my iPad back here.

Hey. What's this?

Champagne for the love birds.

Oh.

- That's thoughtful.
- Well, it's a party, right?

With food, by the way?
'Cause I'm starving.

- Mm.
- Want some cheeseburgers.

Tacos. Mini-pies.

And don't worry about Alex, okay?

He probably just got
distracted by a shiny object.

[chuckles] Thank you.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, my God.

I mean, sorority girls
do not f*ck around.

That's a lot of purple loofahs.

- Hi.
- These take-home loofahs?

- Can we, uh...
- [laughs]

This should be a ride at Disneyland.

[laughs] I feel this is all Leon.

- Should we get some Champagne?
- Yeah.

ALEX: I went a little heavy...

JUDY: You have something on your tie.

- Just kidding. Hi!
- Hi.

I love your dress.

- It matches everything.
- Doesn't it?

I'm like a chameleon

who's infiltrating a wasp nest.

- Hi, Val.
- Hey, Alex.

- Hi.
- Jack. Been too long.

I know, I miss you. Legit miss you.

- I... I can't sleep at night.
- We got to get

the eggs together and make
some barbecue babies.

- Thank you for saying that.
- Are they cheating on us?

- Sure feels that way.
- Does, kind of.

- Ah! Hi!
- Hey!

- Hey. Whoa. Hey.
- Hi.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

- All right.
LEIA: Oh, my gosh.

- Oh, guys, um, Judy.
- Hi.

- Leon, Leia.
- Hey.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you guys.

- Best wishes. Congratulations.
- Thank you.

ALEX: You've heard a
lot about one another.

- This is great.
- JACK: This is so great.

- It is great.
- Yeah!

And you know, we would
never have happened

if it wasn't for you.

Well, I... come on, I...

Hey, this calls for a toast.

This calls for many toasts.

- To Leon and Leia...
- And Valerie.

Without whom none of us would be here.

ALL: Cheers.

I thought you couldn't part with it.

It's a f*cking table.

Mom's gonna be pissed.

Do you want it or not?

Grab an end.

- Look.
- [laughter]

Thank you for coming with me.

You said there was an open bar.

- And how about this?
- What?

- Indiscriminate arm movement.
- Wow!

- That was not indiscriminate.
- It was not.

They replenished the mini-pies.

- Mm-hmm.
- Bring me some.

- Strawberry rhubarb?
- Curate a selection.

Right. [Sighs]

- All right. Hey.
- Hey.

Stop ignoring me.

What? I'm not.

I left you an actual voicemail.

Okay, yeah.

What do you want me to tell you?

Judy's been around a lot.

I haven't really had time to talk.

Oh, okay, so that's what
we're gonna do from now on?

Just like a monthly dinner,
some text messages?

This is what you wanted.

And you know what? You were right.

You and Jack are happy.
Me and Judy are happy.

Everything's working out.

So, just try to have a good time.

JACK: [singing]

- Did you see that?
- What?

- You missed it?
- Oh, no.

Oh, I ex*cuted a perfect Electric Slide.

I think it was an Electric
Slide, I don't know.

It was biblical. The Red Sea parted.

- I slid right through.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- I'm so happy for you though.
- Thank you.

Thank you for that. I appreciate that.

I'm gonna go back out here. Join me?

I feel an impending Macarena coming on.

Uh, let me think about it for a second.

JACK: You sure? I'm very
mediocre at dancing.

Have fun.

[glass clinking]

RYAN: Leon's always
been the kind of bloke

to console you during a break-up,

to throw back a stubbie with
you when you're feeling blue,

and to hold your hair back when
you're just a little too pissed.

- We get it. You're Australian.
- I'm so gonna f*ck him later.

RYAN: You know, I never
thought I'd meet a gal

good enough for my mate
Leon, but as usual...

- Hi.
- Let's go.

RYAN: I was wrong.
- Where?

RYAN: Now, if you two weren't
so bloody decent, - Val, wait.

- RYAN: I'd hate you both.
- [laughter]

But I love you, and I can't believe

that this wonderful dream

is becoming a reality.

ALL: Aww!

- What? No, no.
- Wait, wait. What?

- What?
- What?

Come on. Let's go to the bathroom.

- No.
- Fine.

- Let's go to my house.
- Now?

- [sighs]
- Just...

Can we listen to the toasts?

You're only there for me

when it's on your terms.

What? What?

Why are you being crazy right now?

We're at a party for your friends.

Can we just have a nice evening?

_

_

_

_

About Ryan's speech.

Little heavy on the
outback, but it played.

Pathos and humor. You chose well.

And I am grateful to be a part of this

in whatever way you'll have me.

So just say the word,
and I'm here to help.

Well, we do need someone
to oversee the ceremony.

- You mean an officiant?
- Darling, that...

Oh, my God. Wow.

Yes, I'd be honored.

I can't believe it. When's the wedding?

- Oh, we were thinking Easter.
- In London.

London! Wait, hey.

Easter is spring break, right?
We can show Clark London.

- Uh...
- Big Ben. West End.

Hogwarts. The Royals?

Yeah.

[phone dialing]

VALERIE: Hi, this is Valerie.
I'm not here right now.

Please leave a message.

["The World's A Mess; It's In My
Kiss" by X plays on car radio]

¿Quieres?

I'm good.

[music plays louder]

Whoo!

Yeah.

["The World's A Mess; It's In My
Kiss" by X continues playing]