02x09 - S-T-- STAR W-- WARS W-- WARS

[bunniefuu]

Where's Ray? This is important.

Yo. Sorry. I was getting a few items...

Taylored.

That was horrible, Ray. I hated that.

Right. Big news.

Cerebral Palsy Foundation
are giving away two tickets

to the premiere of the
new "Star Wars" movie.

Their phones open at : a.m.

First caller gets the
tickets. JJ is gonna get them.

Maya, the flier says that
the giveaway was Tuesday,

so... yesterday.

Oh, no. It already happened.

Oh, I'm so sorry, JJ.

It looks like somebody
already got those tickets.

Me!

[LAUGHS]

Mom, you got them?

That's amazing!

And the way you announced it...

You have a real flair for the dramatic.

Do I?

[CHOIR VOCALIZING]

We're going to "Star Wars"!

"Not so fast.

Who should I take?"

Oh, don't tease me like that.

We've seen every "Star
Wars" movie together,

and you know I'm the biggest fan here.

"Let's put that to the test."

Ooh, a family quiz
that also tortures Ray.

I'm in.

TAYLOR: "Dad, this"...
S-P... "space station

blew up at the end of the first movie."

The Death Star.

- Everyone knows that.
- I didn't.

I've never seen "Star Wars."

What? What kind of person
has never seen "Star Wars"?

Ooh, make a thing out
of this. I want to watch.

"Dylan, Chew-bake-a is a 'blank.'"

Awesome dude. Correct.

No! The correct answer is "wookiee."

You don't think
Chewbacca's an awesome dude?

And you want to bring
this guy to the premiere?

- [SIGHS]
- "Mom, fill in the blank.

May the 'blank' be with you."

- "Star Wars."
- "Close enough."

We're done. We all
know I'm going with you.

I refuse to let you t*rture me.

I'm not gonna dance for you.

"Or... dance for me."

♪

Look away, Taylor.

We need to talk about how
this family wields power.


Hello?! Is anyone here?!

JJ forgot his notebook,

and I'm just here to pick it up for him!

♪

Aaahhhhh!

I fell and broke my leg!

Oh, please help me!

[CHUCKLES]

I'm gonna need backup.

The old groundskeeper kept his keys.

Looks like he's about to enjoy

all of the school's amenities.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, he's getting the same
workout he did in his old gym,

but for free.

Ah!

Come quick!

He's turned on all the showers,

and it's a steam room now!

He's eating froyo, and it's a lot

because there's no
one here to judge him.

[LAUGHING] I'm starting to think

this guy's never gonna get caught!

[LAUGHS EVILLY]

- JIMMY: Morning, JJ.
- MAYA: Morning, darling.

"I was"... T-H... "thinking

it would be fun to take a car to the"...

P-R... "premiere."

- I don't know, sweetheart.
- 'm more comfortable driving you.

"I'd pay."

- Oh, go nuts.
- Have a nice ride.

"Sound good?"

So, you are taking me?

[R -D BEEPS]

And you're answering in R -D ?

"We'll have to leave at : ."

Oh, : no worky. I have plans.

"Let me guess... With Taylor?"

And her brother Logan, who you hate.

- Dylan!
- Provocateur's gonna provocatoo.

Are you sure you're okay with not going?

Are you kidding me?

It'll be great to have
them out of the house.

One requires so much attention
and has all these needs.

And then there's JJ.

She has a point.

It's never just the three of us,

and those guys dictate
a lot of what we do.

It'll be fun! We'll do
exactly what we want,

just Mum, Dad, and Dylan.

You guys can call
it Mom-Da-Dyl night!

- It's our night. Thank you.
- Thank you so much. We don't need a name.

Bye.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Excuse me, everyone.

I have some very disturbing news.

Last night, our dear school was violated

by an act of vandalism.

The perpetrators gained entry,

accessed the frozen-yogurt machine,

and left it running,
which ruined the floor.

Sadly, he or she was wily enough
to avoid our security cameras.

[QUIETLY] Security cameras?

Be very careful. If you
encounter this vandal,

please, don't be a hero.

Let them do... whatever
they want to you.

- Dr. Miller, don't freak out.
- What?

There was no vandal. I did it.

W-Wha-What do you mean?

I still have my keys from
when I was a groundskeeper,

and I come here at night sometimes.

It's a good hang.

My gym fees went up,

and so I started to work
out here after hours.

Could I please keep the keys?

Nobody has ever said my
school's a "good hang" before.

I put so much work into it,
and finally someone cares.

Kenneth, you come
back any time you want.

Just... you be more
careful, you old froyo hound.

[CHUCKLES]

What are you staring at?

India Herzfeld?

I heard she has a modeling contract,

and there's a billboard of her in Tokyo,

and everyone who drives by it
gets in a car crash and dies.

She saw us staring. Look away.

[SIGHS] Even her shadow's hot.

Nice shirt. How did you get it?

"It came with my tickets to the"...

P-R... "premiere."

You're going to the premiere?

I would give anything
to go to that premiere.

♪

RAY: Mom!

JJ, that is a jerk move.

You promised the ticket to Ray.

Ha. See?

But I did give you the
tickets, so the choice is yours.

But you really got to ask yourself,

when you look back, will
you feel good about...

Will you let me finish the sentence?

So, you're gonna go
alone with this stranger?

What if she needs to help you?

I haven't seen her Japanese billboard,

but I'm pretty sure she's not
giving a guy a bathroom transfer.

Oh, Japan is weird.

"So, I won't drink. Worth it."

So that's it? I just get cast aside

for the first gorgeous
international model

that comes around?

I'm very dateable.

Ask Taylor.

Or Mom!

Aw.

All right, let's have a
look at this India Herzfeld.

Ooh, yeah, no, I get it. Yep, yep, yep.

My own brother, tossing me
aside like a piece of garbage.

- And it's "Star Wars."
- So sad.

How would you know?
You've never even seen it.

I'm sorry. I'm lashing
out. But watch it soon.

- Why don't you try to go?
- How?

JJ got the hookup through
a cerebral palsy group.

What am I supposed to do?

Find someone else with
cerebral palsy to take me?

♪

Ohh, that would drive JJ crazy.

Hey, Logan. Do you like "Star Wars"?

- I like screwing over JJ.
- That works.

This is fun, just us three.

I've always wanted to
express my artistic side,

but there's never time.

Also, Ray would never
let you paint the curb red

so people can't park
in front of the house.

He shouldn't have gone out.

You know, I'm starting to
take some pride in this place.

I just wish every house on the block

didn't have a nicer
mailbox than ours, you know?

Why can't you say "The Fredricksons"

in a nice red script?

Well, if you'd take your
turn, we could do that next.

Nah, your guys' stuff is more fun.

Besides, this thing's fine.

I defy you to find a
mailbox with better timing.

♪

[R -D BEEPING]

RAY: Here it goes. Wish me luck.

Let me handle this. I've
got a way with people.

Work your magic.

Yeah, give us tickets.

I can't do that.

Well, no luck. Let's get tacos.

[BEEPING]

Oh, JJ. You're looking well.

- "What are you doing here?"
- I'm here with Logan.

We're already having a lovely time.

We were just on our way to get tacos.

After!

[BOTH LAUGH]

Thank you for bringing me here.

Oh, right.

Maybe there's a ramp?

♪

[BEEPING]

JJ, over here.

[BEEPING]

[SQUEALS]

[BEEPS]

♪

He drives down the lane.

He sh**t... and he scores!

- Oh, and the crowd goes wild!
- [SCREAMS]

Oh!

What are you doing here?!

I'm here to watch.

Well, you said Lafayette
was a "good hang."

I want to see what that means,
so just act like I'm not here.

But you are.

Well, it's only fair, Kenneth.
I did let you keep the keys.

Have fun. Bounce your ball.

Uh...

Yeah, I don't think this works
with you standing right there.

I understand.

I-I'll just go watch on the
security cameras in my office.

Uh...

♪

JIMMY: [BREATHLESS] Uh, that's a [SIGHS]

fun run, Dylan.

[BREATHLESS] That's how
fast you normally run, is it?

[LAUGHING] Oh, Mom, Dad.

You work so hard to be funny.

She's funny!

- I wasn't trying to be funny.
- "Work so hard"?

Okay, then. Dad's turn
next. What should we do?

Huh. What do I... want to do?

I got nothing. You guys choose.

Dylan and I have gone
three times. You pick.

Uh... seriously, I'm down for whatever.

No, don't say "whatever."
Oh, Jimmy, okay.

Try this. Close your eyes.

Now, you can do anything
you want in the whole world.

Just pick something.

And you're having fun.

What are you doing?

♪

- Whatever.
- Oh, bloody hell, Jimmy.

Hey, listen.

You guys figure out what we're gonna do.

Think of me as the family genie.

With a budget of like six bucks.

I'll find out what he wants.

Give me minutes alone
with him and full immunity.

No. I gave you full immunity
once before. Never again.

And I know things he wants,
but I think we've broken him.

I mean, he gives and he gives,

but he won't take anything for himself.

We just have to find a
way of giving it to him

without him knowing.

- You can do that?
- Oh, yeah.

It's how I got a second car.

And a third kid!

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS]

RAY: All right, follow my lead.

Hi. We're here to
pick up our VIP passes.

I'm actually in the movie.

Who do you play?

Oh, they had us sign something,

so I can't tell you.

Nice try, though. Pretty tricky.

Next!

Excuse me. Kevin Smith, please.

Mr. Smith.

Can you please help us
get in? We are huge fans.

Oh! Of him? Who is he?

Oh, my Lord. You are so much
better at this than he is.

I would like to get these
boys into the premiere.

Is that possible?

Of course, Mr. Smith.

Thank you.

That's called using the Force.

[LAUGH ]

What are you laughing for?

Because you said the Force is real.

The Force is real.

That's why people give me
nice things all the time.

Why else would they do that?

Because you're a famous director?

Can I get two goodie bags
for these young Jedis?

Thank you.

[SARCASTICALLY] Because
I'm a famous director.

♪ Star Wars ♪

Hey, I know you!

So, Dad, we thought about it,

and there are a couple more things

- we would love to do.
- Yeah? Like what?

Like listen to these
vinyl punk rock records.

Since when did you like punk?

Oh, well, I mean, I grew up in London,

and so we sort of invented it.

Yeah, well, you know,

Joey Ramone and the city of Detroit

might beg to differ, but...

Well, you know, perhaps
you could teach us

all about the punk
whilst we listen to it.

- [PUNK ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
- Could you?

- Yeah.
- Oh, goody.

Oh. I had no idea you
guys were into this.

I said Detroit mainly
because of the MC .

I'll turn it up, shall I?

Eight years on the Sex
Pistols, with all due respect.

♪ I'm damaged beyond repair ♪

Do you want some? There are two straws.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

JJ, look.

Hi, Captain Phasma.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Oh, you're just wearing
the suit for the premiere,

and you're not supposed to talk?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

"Hey, I can't talk, either."

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

RAY: Oh, hey, JJ.

Want to play a little
more "Star Wars" trivia?

Which DiMeo brother gets
to sit in the VIP section?

Hint, hint.

May the Force be with you...

if it reaches back here.

Come on, Logan.

♪

"Would you like to go on a mission?"

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

♪

♪

DR. MILLER: How are you
liking your frozen yogurt?

It's fine!

Kenneth, I can't hear you.
These cameras don't have sound.

Could you act out how
the froyo makes you feel?

- Oh.
- I can't do this!

I can't enjoy myself
while I'm being watched.

It's the main reason why I got cut

from "Big Brother" so early.

That, and Sean needed to
stop using my body wash.

- I'm just gonna go.
- No, Kenneth.

Uh, please.

I-I finally found someone
who appreciates this place.

I'm gonna leave before I spoil that.

Oh.

I-If you type - - -
into the vending machine,

everything's free.

♪

[LASER BLASTS f*ring]

♪

Excuse me. I'm kind of a VIP.

I can't really see anything.

♪

I think I've seen this before.

It's the premiere.

♪ It's gonna be okay ♪

Thanks, Dad. I've missed
dancing on your feet

like a little girl.

Hey, anything for you. [CLEARS THROAT]

[WHISPERS] I fixed
the mailbox. What's next?

Maybe we should have a family jam.

You bought me those
drums a long time ago,

and I've never played them.

But now I really want to
learn how to smack the tubs.

Yeah! We could cover your
old punk band's songs.

You guys were so good.

What's going on here?

The father-daughter dance,

the obviously Googled drum slang.

You guys have turned
Mom-Dad-Dyl night

into Jimmy Night.

What? No. [GROANS]

I knew I shouldn't have
said his band was good.

Guys, I don't need all this.

Yeah, but you deserve
it. Don't quit now.

We got one more surprise
for you, out by the curb.

[PUNK ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

Get ready to be surprised.

You're gonna love it.

Oh, my God!

Oh, it's nothing.

Oh!

I would hardly call a
' Falcon "nothing"!

A ' what now?

Oh, ho, ho!

- Oh, no, Jimmy.
- Dad, wait.

I-I know I said I didn't want anything,

- but, oh, my God.
- [ENGINE STARTS]

Wait, wait. No, Jimmy,
there's been a mistake.

I know. You parked in the red zone.

Let me fix that!

- Oh!
- Hey, hey, hey!

Hey!

And it's full of pizzas?! You guys!

The only reason why I'm sitting here...

is because these are
the last two accessible seats

not being blocked by
your -foot goon friend.

You're ruining this.

"My girl here doesn't think so."

She's not your girlfriend.

[SHUSHING CONTINUES]

"Oh, yeah? Watch this."

Oh, sure.

JJ.

I think I'm gonna get popcorn.

"Allow me."

Stop it. Stop it!

My date said to stop it.

[LIGHTSABER IGNITES]

♪

Fight! Loser buys tacos.

An Emma Watson cameo?

[AUDIENCE YELLING]

Nothing can stop me now!

Why did they give us lightsabers
if they don't want this?

♪

Wow, you must have
paid a fortune for this.

Actually, she did not.

No, No, listen, I love how
tickled you are by this,

and you do deserve it,
but that said, the...

[SIREN WAILING]

OFFICER: Pull over to the side.

I'm not speeding.

Probably thinks a guy like me
couldn't own a car this cool.

I don't own a car this cool, do I?

We're also on the hook for the pizza.

[LIGHTSABERS HUMMING, CLASHING]

[DROID BEEPING]

♪

Ugh. What now?

[LIGHTSABERS HUMMING, CLASHING]

♪

"P... P... P."

- Really? Now?
- Shh!

I got to go help JJ.

- [CLANKS]
- Imperial stooge.

Dr. Miller. Dr. Miller, don't go.

Oh, it's fine, Kenneth. Have your fun.

Oh, I will. And you'll enjoy it.

Let me show you my your Lafayette.

I call it Lafayette After Dark.

♪ Do ♪

♪ Yeah! Do the boogaloo ♪

You sure you just want a small?

It's perfect.

Okay.

♪ You got to sing off your head ♪

♪ Do the boogaloo ♪

It splits!

♪

The end.

This is one of my favorite spots.

Some view.

Why are they up there, anyway?

I just figured there'd be
something to celebrate one day.

But, man, are we bad at sports.

Well, those kids might
not appreciate you

the way that they should, but I do.

And maybe after tonight, you will, too.

I'll eat free vending-machine
snacks to that.

♪

"Thank you for helping me."

Yeah, sure.

You should have just taken me.

"Star Wars" is our thing.

We'd watch all the movies,

then we talk about our favorite scenes

and have lightsaber fights.

But then you ditched me for a girl.

"You ditched me for a girl first."

What? Are you jealous
that I have Taylor?

"No, dummy.

I'm jealous that Taylor has you."

"All your time."

You want time with me?

Do you...

Do you like me?

"Don't make me make you say it."

Let's see it again. Together.

"It's a date." Okay, this is good.

Let's promise that
from this day forward,

no woman will get between us.

Forget the girls. The
brothers come first.

"Let's just say we
both like 'Star Wars.'"

Yeah, that feels easier.

Thanks for the ride!

Why didn't you just tell
me the car wasn't for me?

'Cause you were so happy
and we really wanted

to give you something you wanted.

And after you'd seen the car,

well, the dumb mailbox wasn't
really gonna measure up.

Oh! Look at our mailbox!

I wanted this, and I got it.

Feels good.

From now on, I'm gonna be better

about figuring out what
I want and asking for it.

And I'll tell you more clearly

when you're about to steal a car.

And I learned that getting
arrested isn't so bad.

[CRASH IN DISTANCE]

♪

[LIGHTSABERS HUMMING]

The Force is strong with you,
but you have much to learn!

Ah! [GRUNTS]

Aww, is there any force greater

than the love between brothers?

♪

Okay, probably time to step in.

The water pressure in the
fountains is great today,

- Dr. Miller.
- Thank you, Ray.

And the froyo rocks.

Wait. What's going on?

[ALL CHANTING "MILLER"]

Well... Dr. Miller.

I know you're waiting on
something big to happen,

but this school has always
had something to celebrate.

Aww.

[ALL GROAN]

Guess it's been a little while

since I had the balloon drop installed.

Cool, a dead bird!