02x21 - Influenza: The Musical

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

STEVE: Mrs. Stevens,
this is your husband.

Why don't you step outside
and see what daddy bought.

Please be a convertible.

-That red one with leather seats?
-Who cares, as long as it's not a...

mini...

...Van.

A minivan?

That is so...

-...sexy.
-(CHUCKLES)

I went for the ultra-luxury package.

Eight cup holders,

a built-in litter bag,

and check this out...

a talking compass.

COMPUTER VOICE:
Your vehicle is now facing north.

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

Who wants to go for a ride?

In the daylight, Dad?

Yeah, I mean the-- the neighbors,
they will get jealous.

Good point.

(LOUD VEHICLE APPROACHING)

Hey, what the...

(ENGINE REVVING)

No... What...

Hey, Stevens.

Uncle Chuck!

Heya, Donnie! How are you, buddy?

Ren, come here, you.

Little Louie, you're not
so little anymore.

STEVE: Hey, Chuck.

Heya, big brother.

-Come here, you.
-Hey...

-(BONES CRACKING)
-Ow!

-Have you been working out?
-Yeah. Doing a little power-walking.

Come here, Red. Give us a squeeze.

Chuck... oh, gee, what a surprise.

We haven't seen you for,
what, over a year now.

Couldn't help but notice
your monster truck.

Oh, k*ller wheels.

Dad, get off the car.

Don't lean on that nerd mobile.
People will think it's ours.

(MUMBLES)

Go ahead, kids, Go on.
Check it out.

-Really?
-CHUCK: Yeah, go ahead.

Can't take your eyes off it, can you?

EILEEN: Uh-uh.

You want to,

-you just can't.
-Uh-uh.

I'm going to be selling
advertising space on this baby.

Make a fortune.

-How long you in for?
-Tomorrow morning.

Big business meeting in LA.

Out of here, cr*ck of dawn.

STEVE: "cr*ck of dawn"?

Dawn cracked two hours ago.

Honey, maybe his meeting
was canceled.

Maybe there never was a meeting.

Does this all the time,

floats into town
whenever he feels like it

with some crazy
get-rich-quick scheme,

-gets crumbs all over the sofa...
-Okay, take it easy.

Give him a break, Steve.
He means well.

Hey, Louis loves him.

I'm hoping that's just a phase.

EILEEN:
Ren, those waffles look fantastic.

I'm so glad you're taking
this cooking class.

Oh, thanks.

In class, with Miss Lynch
standing over my shoulder,

they come out like roof shingles.

Don't let her intimidate you, honey.

-You're right.
-They're good. They look great.

(SNIFFS)

Waffles?

Aren't you guys going to have any?

Uh, no, actually,
we got to get going. Bye, Mom.

-Bye, Mom.
-Mm-hmm.

Um... Enjoy your breakfast, Uncle Chuck.
Bye, Daddy.

Hey... Uncle Chuck
what are you doing here?

What happened
to your big business meeting?

You know what?
You're right.

Hold on just a second.

(PHONE TONES BEEPING)

Hey, Chuck Stevens here.
Listen, I'm canceling that meeting.

Because I'm spending
some extra time in Sacramento.

Nothing is more important to me
than my family.

Dude...

-Dude...
-Du...

Louis, what's that in your knapsack?

Uh... oh, look at the time.
I better get back to school

if I want to be eligible
for that earliness award.

What is this?

That?

Uh... just your regular,
ordinary, everyday

(CLEARS THROAT)
cottage cheese balloon.

EILEEN: And this was going to school
with you because...?

'Cause soft cheese
helps me concentrate.

Louis... the truth.

All right... it's for Larry Beale.

No, no, you need to listen
to what he did, okay?

He gave me a fizzy-face.

(LAUGHING)

You have got to stop
this feud with Larry Beale.

Don't let that kid
push you around.

Chuck, please.

All right, I'll talk to Larry's dad.

Although the last time
I talked to Colonel Beale,

I found him hardheaded
and unreasonable.

Stevens, I'm hardheaded
and unreasonable!

We are not going to escalate
this any further.

Your father is right.

You are going to make
peace with Larry Beale.

Yes, yes, it is time.
A time has come.

Peace.

Peace out.

Look at Miss Lynch.

I think if she ever cracked a smile
her whole face would crumble.

-Who's talking?
-(GASPS)

Is there a problem, people?

Um, no, no.

No, there's no eggshells
in our batter.

Everyone, gather round.

Hmm, the cap
to your canola container.

How did that get in there?

It's work like this
that's going to get you

a failing grade for your
baking project due tomorrow.

Maybe we can come by later
and-- and fix it at study hall? Please?

I would highly recommend it.

And then I did like
this slam-dunk, right?

And I was, like, "boo-yah"
and the crowd went wild.

All the girls were screaming.

(LAUGHING)

Dude, that was one of your better
cottage cheese bombs.

Well, thanks to Uncle Chuck
who dug it out of the trash for us.

-Uncle Chuck.
-Uncle Chuck.

You know, that actually looks right.

Well, it's a lot easier without
Miss Lynch breathing down our backs.

Yeah. So, what do we do now?

Um... "Cover the dough,

let it rise,

roll your biscuits..."

get an A. Bam!

Yeah. So, how long do we wait?

I don't know. Until it's done rising?

I think we're going
to need a bigger bowl.

(GURGLING)

How much yeast did you put in there?

I just followed the recipe.

It said one pound.

One p...

"P" stands for pinch, not pound.

That's it, we failed.

(PANTING)

I think I'm hyperventilating.

Pull yourself together.

I have never failed at anything
and I'm not starting here!

Did you get any payback
from Larry Beale yet?

What? Are you joking?

The man has clearly met his match.

You can't b*at a cottage cheese b*mb,
all right?

TWITTY: Actually, you can.

Whoa.

Looks like the cheese fairy
was generous this year, huh?

Your serve.

For starters,
I'm not going to let it affect me.

So, you're just going to pretend
like nothing's wrong?

Exactly.

-It's getting bigger.
-Oh, man.

All right, just act
like nothing's happening, okay?

Nelson, Ren...

-Louis.
-Louis.

(GURGLING)

-(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
-Uh...

A-- All right.

It's Lynch.

Oh, man, let's stash this blob.

-There, there, there, there.
-There, there you go.

(NELSON WHISTLES)

Well... I trust
that your baking project

will be ready for grading tomorrow.

Oh, you trust right. Oh, yeah.

(SIGHS)

Ren, my stomach is cramping.
What are we going to do?

Uh, we're going to get to class
but let's keep it in here.

Tomorrow morning,
before anyone comes to school,

-we'll deal with it then.
-Yeah, right.

All right, soap,
rinse and chamois dry.

That minimizes the streaking.

Wait. Why can't
I just hose the van down?

Son, any yutz can do that.

A good car wash requires DFC:
dedication, focus and commitment.

I got to prepare for court tomorrow.

You do the best you can.
Any questions?

Yeah, what's a yutz?

Ask your mother.

Okay, do a good job.

(TRUCK APPROACHING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

Hey, Louis!

The old man got you washing
the weenie wagon?

You know, this stinks, Uncle Chuck.

You can't relax for a second
when my dad's around.

Let's say you shine this gig on,

we'll go cruise the mall.

Groove on some chicks, huh?

What, are you joking?

No, no, the old man finds out,
he'll freak out.

If I split now...

Wait. Why are we talking
like hippies?

Come on, we'll finish that
when we get back. I'll help you.

I don't know.

Hear this?

(REVVING ENGINE)

That's car lingo
for "hop in the ride, kid."

Yeah, all right, I'll go.
Just got to shut the hose off.

Don't worry, I got it.
You just take care of the bucket.

Don't you worry.

Uncle Chuck has got your back.

Thanks, Unc.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Adios, suckers!

Lou, taking a break.

Thought you might want to...

Lou?

Whoa!

Louis!

Now, remember,
when your dad asks you

"Where'd you get that hat?"

-you say...
-What hat?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Dude!

(WHIMPERING)

Hey, Dad, what you doing?

I'm blow-drying my sneaker.

Someone left a hose on inside my car!

All right, Steve, lighten up.

"Lighten up"? Why don't you grow up?

What's that supposed to mean?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hold on, hold on.

Dad, Dad, listen, okay,
it was probably my fault.

I probably left the hose on
when we went to go to the mall.

(MOUTHING)

You didn't tell Chuck
you had a job to do?

He didn't ask.

Lou...

Where did you get that stupid hat?!

What hat?

(SNICKERING)

And you're going to stay
in your room, in your pajamas,

till I say otherwise.

Hey, guys, I got a great idea.

Instead of Red making
us this big dinner,

what do you say we load up
my truck with cold cuts,

head towards the mountains?

Chuck, can you leave us alone
right now?

I'm trying to teach my son
some discipline,

so he won't grow up
to be completely irresponsible

and sponge off everyone around him.

(SNIFFING)
What's that smell?

Smells like a guy who's so repressed
and unable to have fun,

that he's taking it out
on everybody else.

Don't you have a fake
business meeting somewhere?

You know, I was going
to stay until next Friday.

Because you're being
such a Mr. Puckerpants,

I think I'm only going
to stay until Tuesday.

Keep hope alive, Louis.

See you on the outside, Uncle Chuck.

I don't want you talking
to him anymore.

What? No, you can't make
a rule like that.

That's my uncle.

Uncle Chuck
is not your father, I am.

Too bad.

-What?
-Well, uh...

I said, "Foo clad."

-"Foo clad"?
-Foo clad.

Aha! Didn't see that one coming
did you, B-Ball?

No. All right, your move.
Go ahead.

Well, go ahead.

Oh, I see.
Y--you're big B-Ball man, huh?

'Cause you won the first two games,
you can take your sweet time?

You can't! Okay?!

I really didn't mean to yell.

I'm sorry, B-Ball,
I didn't mean to yell.

UNCLE CHUCK:
That's okay. Just give us a kiss.

(YELPS)

Uncle, Uncle Chuck! Hi.

I got Twitty waiting down
in the car. We need you.

For what?

We got to get even with this Larry guy.
Twitty filled me in.

Hey, anybody disses my nephew,
they diss me.

I'm your uncle. I got your back.

Now, what do you say

to an old-fashioned TP'ing
of this joker's house, huh?

I can't. I can't.
My dad said I have to stay here.

-For how long?
-Until he says otherwise.

Did he actually say
the word "otherwise"?

Yes, he did.

-Then, let's go.
-Well, then, all right!

B-Ball, no moves till I get back.

All right.

If anyone comes out, don't panic.

You just rush to the car.

We'll drive to the nearest motel.
We'll stay low for a couple of days.

The nearest one
is the One-Nighter Hotel,

the discount bargain one.
The one that's red.

That's the one we go to
if it happens.

All right, sweet.

That's great, that's great.
Okay, guys, let 'er rip.

Okay.

First rule of TP'ing.

You peel off the wrapper
before you throw the roll.

-Yes.
-Okay. Come on.

Let's go.

Dad, I think we're being TP'd.

What?

You get the pepper spray.

I'll call the Pentagon.

LOUIS: Somebody's coming.

What do we do?

Here's what we do.
We go back to the truck.

Chuck's probably
waiting for us in the truck.

(TRUCK STARTING)

Well, maybe he went
to go to the hotel

to make the reservations and stuff,
you know. You know what he...

No, he b*rned us.

-Big time.
-Yeah.

Who's out there?!

This is private property!

Daddy, I heard a noise over there.

Run.

Get in the minivan!

Go, go, go, go!

Come on.

Hurry!

LOUIS: Okay, go!

Phew.

Whoo.

Wow. Ha!

Hey, Twitty.

You know, this baby's got, uh,
eight cup-holders

and a built-in trash bag?

Oh, sweet.

Yeah, sensible family car, huh, Dad?

Guys, I may have saved you
a face-to-face with the Colonel

but you still have me to deal with.

This tart is too tart.

Mm. This cookie...

too many chocolate chips in it.

People, I'm warning you.

I am not in the mood today, okay?

The faculty sauna is closed.

Is there some construction
going on here?

That's our final project.

Hmm.

All right, let's see.
This is your... biscuit?

This is our biscuit.

Yeah.

We can explain.

Okay, so what happened is
we thought "P" meant pound.

So, then it, like, blew up.

-Blew up...-
-It totally did, and it's huge.

-...and it turned into a giant blob.
-Sorry.

(LAUGHING)

This is a big biscuit.

Yeah, it's pretty big.

I mean, this thing is humongous.

It's the biggest biscuit
I've ever seen.

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Miss Lynch, are you okay?

Oh, my... Oh, my God.

-So, do we pass?
-Yeah, do we pass?

Yes.

O-- okay.

Okay. All right... back to work.

I want you at my dinner parties.

STEVE: You missed a spot.

LOUIS: What? Where?

Right there.

Hey, Steve!

Hey, little man.

What's with the manual labor?

I'm washing the minivan.
It's my punishment.

My dad knows what we did last night.

Oh, yeah, I waited for you guys
around the corner

and then it got late.

My beeper went off

and I had to go to LA, ASAP.

So, uh...

where's the uh, the monster truck?

Oh.

A misunderstanding at the bank
and they took it back

but I got something else
in the works.

You always do.

No, no, no, no, this is huge.

This is going to be huge.

What's the one flavor soda
nobody's ever made?

I don't know.

Cheese.

You got Swiss, Munster,
Camembert, Diet Camembert

and I'm telling you,
this is going to be enormous

and when it is, I'm taking you
guys to Hawaii on my nickel.

-Great.
-All right, listen, I got to go

because, uh, I got
this big meeting in LA.

Um... you don't have a couple
of bucks for the...

That's great, that's great. Thanks.
Louis, listen.

Don't you forget.

Your Uncle Chuck...

I got your back.

Ditto.

I got you, too.

All right, listen.
I got to go because, uh...

I'm running, the meter's going.

Kiss the kids for me, will you?
Give Red a big squeeze for me.

Okay? I'll talk to you.

(SIGHS)

There's no business meeting
in LA, is there?

I'm afraid not.

Too bad, because I could really go
for some cheese soda right about now.

(CHUCKLING)

How about a milkshake?

Yeah, I could do that, too.

After we finish.

Yeah. (SIGHS)

I am really glad

that you took the kids
back to the Beale's house

to clean up that mess.

Well, they have to learn
to take responsibility

for their actions.

It's really a shame that they wasted
all that toilet paper.

Eileen,

the Stevens family
doesn't waste anything.

Excuse me.
Can I have some privacy?

Thank you.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)