03x07 - Raiders of the Lost Sausage

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

-(BIRDS CHIRPING)
-(DOORBELL RINGS)

Delivery for Louis Stevens.

Oh, boy, what now?
What is it?

-An emu.
-A what?

(SQUAWKS)

Oh!

No! Louis ordered an emu!
Get it out of here!

I'm sorry, sir.
Our return policy is very specific.

-What is it?
-No returns.

Have a nice day.

You might want
to stop that thing

from eating your family.

Whoa! Stop it!
Stop that!

Bad bird! Bad bird!

Louis!

The Sacramento Kid lines up his sh*t.
The pressure is mounting.

Yup.

Holy roly poly, it's a - split!

This is the worst possible situation
for frozen food basement bowling.

I have no idea what the Sacramento Kid's
going to do about this one.

You know, I need
a more colorful bowling name.

What about Hot Pins?

Hot Pi... Tom, you pitch that
for every sport we ever play.

But this time I think it's appropriate.

STEVE: Louis!

Can you explain why an emu
was just delivered to the house?

WOMAN: Emu for You.
May I take your order?

Yeah, I want to order an emu.

-WOMAN: Can you hold, please?
-Mm-hmm, I'll hold.

(SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

STEVE: Louis!

Oh! That emu.

Well, Dad, did you know
that emu farming is the th largest

growth industry in Oklahoma?

You know what I'm thinking?

We start our own little flock
right here on the Ponderosa. (CHUCKLES)

-STEVE: Breed emus?
-Yes.

With one bird?

Oh, you're right.
We need another emu.

-I didn't even think.
-STEVE: Louis, this is ridiculous.

This is just another
one of your half-baked schemes

that you haven't thought through.

And I'm canceling your subscription
to Get Rich Quick.

EILEEN: Hey, fellas. Fellas.

-Look what I found.
-STEVE: An egg?

I wonder where it came from.

(EMU CAWING)

(SCREAMS)

-STEVE: Oh, no! No.
-Nice bird.

I'm coming, honey, don't worry!

I'll deal with you later.

Dude, your dad seemed pretty mad.

Yeah.
Better make this my last sh*t.

After a tongue-lashing from his dad

the Sacramento Kid
amazingly maintains his focus.

What a competitor.

Here we go. Come on.

TWITTY: Oh, dude.

Um, I have to go home now.

Relax, Hot Pins.

Looks like some kind of abandoned tunnel.

Yeah, but it only goes a few feet.
Someone must have filled it in.

I wonder where it leads.

STEVE: Louis!

(EMU SQUAWKING)

Louis, we could use a little help!

All right, listen.

I'm going to go up there right now.
Come back tomorrow.

But don't anybody
say anything about this.

Mum's the word.

-(SCREAMING)
-(EMU SQUAWKING)

WEXLER:
I give you guys a simple task.

A privilege, even.

To choose the cafeteria dessert menu.
And how do you repay me?

Chocolate mousse.

Banana cream.

Chocolate mousse.

Banana cream.

Oh, you wouldn't.

Try me.

-Okay?
-Come on.

-Let's go.
-All right, all right.

WEXLER:
I've tolerated your rivalry.

Perhaps even encouraged
your scholastic competitiveness.

But this time,
you have gone too far.

Mr. Wexler, I would just like to say
I am sure Larry learned his lesson.

What! Me? (SCOFFS) Oh, no, hold on.
You're the one who started it, okay?

-Did not.
-LARRY: Yes, you did.

-Did not. Did not.
-Did, too. Did, too.

Enough!

This problem is maybe even beyond
my sphere of expertise.

You two will report to Ms. Shannon
the guidance counselor.

Mm. By the way, we're going
with the chocolate mousse.

Ha! In your face!
Chocolate mousse. (LAUGHS)

Sorry, sir. Not in your face. Well...

Lou, this better be good, okay? 'Cause
they're going to run out of pizza sticks.

Dude, it's good, all right?
Soon, you'll be swimming in pizza sticks.

Check this out.

I downloaded this last night.
I know what the tunnel is. Look.

This guy right here,
this is Grover Frazee.

He's a sausage dude.

-You mean as in Frazee Sausages.
-Right.

(CHUCKLES)
I eat those all the time.

♪ We'll bet you go crazy
for that great taste of Frazee ♪

Anyway, this guy,

he used to own the property
that my house was built on.

That's why my neighborhood's
called Frazee Gardens.

Look, Lou, what the heck does this
Frazee guy have to do with the tunnel?

I think that he built the tunnel.
He built the tunnel.

Here, look, I'll show you.

Look, you see this article?
It says right here he made a fortune.

But after he d*ed it disappeared.

And you think it's buried
at the end of the tunnel.

With every fiber in my being.

Sweet, dude.
We are going to be so rich.

Wow, you really did your homework
on this one, Sacramento Kid.

Yeah, Tom, we're not doing
the nicknames right now.

Tell me, Ren.
How does chartreuse make you feel?

It makes me feel frustrated.

It's a know-it-all, arrogant color.

Oh, and, um, what about you, Larry?
How does magenta make you feel?

It's loud, obnoxious, and bossy.

Oh, I see. Interesting.

What does this have to
do with Larry and me?

What? Oh, nothing.

I'm just thinking of repainting my office.

Can we please get this over with?

Yes, because the less oxygen
I have to share with Ren, the better.

Stop me if I'm...
(CHUCKLES)

...wrong, but I get the feeling
that you two are at odds.

(SIGHING)

Hmm, well, I have an experimental
conflict resolution technique,

but, you know what, it's probably
a little too intense for you guys.

Well, Ren might be scared,
but I'm not.

Oh, please,
there's nothing I can't handle.

So I have a commitment from you both?

-Absolutely.
-Absolutely.

By the end of this process
you should feel... a bond.

An attachment, if you will,
like you've never felt before.

Well, good luck.

I cannot believe we have to be
tied to each other for the next five days.

Okay, quit complaining.
It's only while we're in school.

Yeah, well, it's worse for me.
I have to be next to you.

(GASPING)

(SCREAMING)

Gentlemen, we are about to embark
on the greatest adventure of our lives.

Let's put on our helmets.

Tom, zip up your fly.

Let's dig some dirt, huh?

Um, what are we going to do
with all the dirt from the tunnel?

Don't worry about that. Gotcha covered.
Brought in a dirt-moving specialist.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

Do these pants
make my butt look big?

Yeah.

Good. Let's move some dirt.

TWITTY: Woo!

(WHOOSHING)

(DIRT RUSTLING)

Beans, why are you
dumping dirt in my laundry room?

Because there's a big,
scary bird in the backyard.

Tom, what's going on here?

Well, I...

Dude, you know what I'm going to do
with my share of the money?

-What?
-I'm going to buy a car

and then in a couple of years,
I can drive it.

(CHUCKLES)
Sweet.

What are you going to do?

Well, you know,
I've always wanted to travel.

And who knows?
Maybe I'll help out the folks.

(CHUCKLES)

Might even buy the old
man a nice toupee, huh?

(SCREAMS)

Dad, it's not what you think.

Did you just dig a giant hole
through our basement wall?

Yeah. Maybe that part's
what you think, but, hey,

you don't know the part
about the treasure.

-Treasure?
-Yeah.

This is just another one of your crazy,
half-baked schemes.

No, no, no, no. It's not half-baked.
It's fully baked. I did research.

Look, look, look. See this guy?
Okay. This old sausage dude,

he took all of his treasure,
and he put it in this tunnel.

I don't want to hear another word.

I am disappointed with you.
Upstairs to your room, now.

I, uh, forgot my helmet.

-It's my mother's flashlight.
-(GROWLS)

Mm. Man, that's so good.

Mom, can I have another egg,
but this time over easy?

Okay, but you're going to have
to help me cr*ck it open.

Okay.

(CRACKING)

You know, I guess this whole emu thing
worked out after all, huh?

(CHUCKLES)

Well, you know what they say.
When life gives you lemons...

No, Mom. They're eggs.

I can't get a contractor
to come out here at this hour.

I'm going to have
to fill that hole myself.

I tell you, Louis can't
do anything on a small scale.

It's always got to be a huge bird,
massive structural damage.

Honey, I know that Louis
can be a little misguided,

but, you know, you have to admit
these emu eggs are delicious.

Really?

Well, maybe we can use the giant egg
to plug up the giant hole in the wall.

Mom, you know,
if we had a gigantic English muffin

and, like, a gallon
of hollandaise sauce...

Oh! We could make a humongous
eggs Benedict.

(LAUGHS)

Is anyone listening here?
We have a problem.

Does this kid expect us
to support him

every time he comes up
with a crazy scheme?

Dad, you don't have to believe
in what Louis is doing.

You just have to believe
in Louis.

Donnie, that's very profound.

Must be the eggs.

You don't have to believe
in what Louis is doing.

Just believe in Louis.

You don't have to
believe in what Louis...

I heard you the first time.
Finish your eggs.

I got to fix that clock.

Hi, Dad.

What are you doing down here?

I just came down to tell you I'm sorry
for disappointing you.

You had no right to dig a tunnel
without asking me.

I totally agree with you, and I'm sorry.
I'm completely sorry... for everything.

For the tunnel, the emu,
the garage door everything that I...

What about the garage door?

Uh... nothing. Nothing.

But in the event that something
does happen to the garage door

feel free to, uh,
use my bike to get to work.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

Hold on a second, son.

I was looking over your research
and I got to say, I'm impressed.

You did your homework this time.

Thanks, Dad.

-Hey, Lou?
-Yeah.

I'm kind of curious
to see what's in there.

-You are?
-STEVE: Yup.

And there's only one way
to find out.

-(THUD)
-LOUIS: Ow!

STEVE: Sorry, son.

No, it's cool.
Let's get to digging, huh?

This is hopeless.
We're stuck.

Really? You think?

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

This is great. We're late again.

You know, I cannot
stand another day with you.

You know, Ren, this experiment has
really taught me something:

I can't stand you.

Oh, well, finally we agree on something.
I loathe and despise you, too.

Well, the longer we hate each other...

The longer we're tethered
together, I know.

Wait a minute.

I have an idea.

-Hey, Louis?
-What?

Why aren't you at school?

Why aren't you at work?

(CHUCKLES)

It's amazing, Miss Shannon.

I never knew that Larry
was such a caring and sensitive guy.

(LAUGHS) And I never knew that Ren
was so sweet and generous.

-Aw!
-MISS SHANNON: Wow.

I'm happily surprised,
and in only two days!

-Yeah. You really...
-You brought us together. It's like...

BOTH: Telepathy.

(GASPING)
Oh, my gosh!

(SCREAMS)
Get out of my brain.

No. You get out of my brain,
you silly soul mate, you.

Oh.

This is the reason
I went into school counseling.

Can you believe that
she actually bought it?

Yo, do you know hard it was
for me to keep a straight face?

Tell me about it, you silly soul mate.

(LAUGHS)

We're getting along here.

I know.

BOTH:
Her thing didn't work, did it?

Stop it.

Okay, I got to go.

Stop it!
(GROANING)

Whoa, whoa, Dad, listen, listen.

(THUD)

You hear that?

STEVE:
It's a door.

This is it.

(LOUIS LAUGHING)

It's locked.

We'll have to chop
it down with an a*.

No, look.
We can just use the key.

-Where did you get that?
-Under the welcome mat.

Son, I just want to say,
now that we've come this far

if we go in there
and don't find anything

to remember the important thing is

that we worked together,

that we believed in each other

that we stood side by side...

Dad, the treasure?

-Right. The treasure.
-Right.

Frazee really did bury his
fortune down here.

In a giant,
jewel-encrusted sausage.

No, Dad. What are you doing? No.
It could be booby-trapped.

You're right.

-You know what we need?
-STEVE: What?

I saw this movie. He, like...

You know what we need? We need, like,
a counterweight or something.

-STEVE: Yeah.
-Like, a big rock or something.

-Find a big rock.
-All right. Hey, I got one!

-You found one? All right.
-Yeah.

All right, let's do this.

Um, I'm going to lift this up,
you put it there.

Good.

On the count of three.

One...

two...

three!

(CHEERING)

We're rich!
We're rich!

Oh, we're rich!

(RUMBLING)

Is that an ominous rumble?

Come on, son! Come on!

Dad!

Dad, what's happening?

Lou, jump!

No, I'm not.

I can't, Dad. I can't.

Throw the sausage first.

No, no.

Oh!

Get it!

No!

No!

No!

BOTH:
No!

(CLANKING)

(CLATTERING)

I think we lost it.

Come on, we got to get out of here.

Come on.

Run!

Hurry, run! Go!

Go! Go! Go!

Hurry, hurry!

Go!

(RUMBLING)

I had the sausage in my hand,
and I lost it.

Don't worry about it, son.

Hey, we've got something
better than that.

What's that?

I don't know. I was going to make a joke
but not enough time has passed.

Come on.

I'll make you an omelet.

You know what's good with omelets?

-What's that?
-Golden sausages.

Oh, come on. I told you it's too
early to make a joke.

-I had it in my hands, Dad.
-Well, let it go, Son.

No. It was right here, right here.

(KNOCKING)
Hello!

Somebody is waiting.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Today, please.

I hope you left the seat down
this time.

(EMU SQUAWKS)

And we need some more eggs.

(SNIFFING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)