03x11 - Hardly Famous

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

I cannot believe it.

Barry Hudson Jr.
is coming here to Lawrence?

I have to be his biggest fan.

Ah, Ren, relax.
Let's be professional.

He may be a Broadway star

or recording artist
and an amazing actor

but he's just a regular person and...

Oh, his chopper's landing!
His chopper's landing!

(HELICOPTER BLADE WHIRRING)

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

Mr. Hudson, thank you so much
for volunteering your time

to help select students
for the new arts conservatory!

My pleasure.
I'm a SAC-town kid myself.

Wish I had a program like this
when I was in school.

And now, let me introduce

-the pride and joy of our school...
-Excuse me.

I'm so, so, so sorry I am late.

I am State Senator Eileen Stevens

and I sponsor the bill
that funded the arts program.

I'm your biggest fan.

-(EILEEN GIGGLES)
-WEXLER: Yes.

And now let us introduce
the other pride and joy of our school...

her daughter, Ren Stevens.

-BARRY: My pleasure.
-Oh!

Will you be auditioning today?

Um... No, I wish I could,

but auditions are only
for seventh and eighth graders,

and, well, I'll be here
to help any way I can.

So, I'll be, uh,
coordinating your help, or...

helping you coordinate
whatever needs coordinating and...

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I'm... I'm a big fan, too.

Well, we have about an hour
before auditions begin.

Perhaps you'd like
a tour of our facilities.

BOTH: I'll do it.

-(CHUCKLES) What? Honey...
-Wha...

-EILEEN: Don't you have class now?
-Oh, just study hall.

Well, then, sweetheart
you need to go study.

(EILEEN CHUCKLES)

Please allow me,
Mr. Barry Hudson Jr. (LAUGHS)

Ta-da! (GOOFY LAUGH)
So, what do you think?

Think that will add a little,
uh, pizzazz to my audition?

Uh, it's interesting,

but I think I would stick with singing
'cause that's your strength.

Ye... right.

I... I can't believe they're
opening up an arts conservatory!

I mean, imagine
how stimulating it'll be

to be surrounded
by all the sophisticated types

who share your creative interests.

Well, I don't know.
We could have it around here.

LOUIS: Tommy, check it out!

Be careful. Grab at the face.

-What is this?
-That's a gum blob.

-LOUIS: Yes.
-Very sophisticated.

-Thank, you, Tom.
-Oh, yeah.

See, it's a painstaking process.
We had to get that stuff off the floor.

-Desks.
-Yeah, bathroom stall.

-Wait, this is used gum?
-BOTH: Oh, yeah.

-Ew!
-Ew!

-No!
-Oh!

-(PANTING)
-LOUIS: Oh!

-TWITTY: Oh, that was close.
-Ew.

Tom, are you trying to give me
a heart att*ck?

We put over man-hours
into this baby.

He's stressed out!
Give him a neck rub!

You savage.

Tom, I don't get it.

I mean, why do you want
to go to a school

full of drama dorks and dance dweebs?

-Well, I... I...
-No! Tom, hold on.

Do you realize where you'll be going?

Let's just think about it for a second.

You're gonna the Sacramento
Arts Conservatory for Creative Youth.

S.A.C.C.Y., Tom.

SACCY!

I don't see what an acronym
has to do with anything.

Tom, listen.

Everyone in that school
is gonna be walking around

in tights and feathered caps.

Does that sound like fun?

Well...

what color is the feather?

TAWNY: What is wrong with Tom
following his passion?

He has a creative soul
and he wants to be around the people

that appreciate
the beautiful things in life.

App... We appreciate
the beautiful things in life!

Look at the gem we found
underneath the bleachers.

Wait, you find that beautiful?

Oh, yeah, look, the bubble's still intact.
What are you talking about?

Okay. You know what? I've had enough.

Okay, Tom, let's go.

Toodles.

Look, buddy, it's still got
the teeth marks.

Aw, sweet! Right there.

(TOOTING LOW NOTES)

You're doing the same thing
you did last time.

Where is he? Is... Is he here?

I'm so nervous
that my ruffles are wilting. I...

Tom, chill out, okay?

Barry Hudson Jr. will be here
in a couple minutes, ladies and gentlemen,

and the audition process will begin.

He's ten minutes late!

It's rude!
It's... It's unprofessional!

It's...

It's Barry Hudson Jr.! Oh!

Sir, I am a huge fan!

REN: Tom, sit!

I am so sorry. I apologize, sir.

You see, some people
they just act so fawny

when they get around

actor, celebrity-type people
like yourself.

No, I'm sorry, Ren.
Senator Stevens' tour...

Uh-uh-uh, please. Eileen.

-Eileen's tour...
-Mm-hmm.

took a little longer than we expected.

(CHUCKLES) Maybe it wouldn't have
if I knew where anything was.

-(BOTH LAUGH)
-Yep.

Well, um, Eileen, Senator,

Mom, you need to go
'cause we have auditions to start.

Of course, of course.

Well, I will see you tonight.

-BARRY: Good.
-Tonight?

Your mom invited me
for a home-cooked meal.

Oh... wait, in... in our house?

Unless you want me to eat
in the driveway.

(EILEEN LAUGHS) Isn't that funny?

"In the driveway." Very good.
(LAUGHING)

"In the dr... In..."

-Oh, yeah. Well, uh, seven o'clock then.
-Wonderful.

All right, well, uh-huh.

-(CHUCKLES)
-BARRY: Okay.

(HORN TOOTING LOW NOTES)

They started, they started.

(PLAYING RAMBLING MELODY POORLY)

Yeah, my Uncle Gus
can play the same song

-without the tuba.
-(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

Oh, you know, we're supporting Tom.

What, in goofing all the auditioners?

Ah, yeah, that, too.
Come on, take a seat.

(MONOTONOUS TOOTING CONTINUES)

Thank you, Darren.
You hit some nice notes there.

(PEPPY, DOWN-HOME TUNE PLAYS)

(GIGGLES)

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Okay, next we have Thomas L. Gribalski.

(JOGGING FOOTSTEPS)

BARRY: Hello, Thomas.

So, why do you want
to transfer to SACCY?

The question isn't,
"Why do I want to?"

It's, "How can I not?"

Well, okay. Let's see what you got.

Hit it, Doris.

(PLAYING UPBEAT, JAZZY INTRO)

(SINGING OFF-KEY)

I want a girl

Just like the girl

That married dear old Dad

Look at Dad.

She was a pearl

And the only girl that Daddy

He ever had

Yeah!

I want a girl

Just like the girl that married

Dear old Dad, yeah!

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

BARRY: Thank you, Tom.

That was quite... interesting.

"Interesting."

Really? Uh...

So long, suckers.

That was a fun afternoon.

-Let's get going.
-Yeah, nothing's gonna top that.

LOUIS: Come on.

Next up, we have Tawny Dean.

She's got to be kidding.

Tawny will be auditioning
for the Drama Department.

So, Tawny, why SACCY?

Um, well, I've done some plays here

and I... I love theater, but...

mostly, I just think it's...
I think it's time for a change.

-Dude, I think she's serious.
-Oh, you think so?

REN: She will be doing a piece

from Fried Green Magnolias.

(TAWNY SIGHS DEEPLY)

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
Not a day goes by

that I don't think about him.

I mean, I know it sounds kind of crazy,

but... (SIGHS)

when we looked
into each other's eyes,

it was... deep and powerful.

Like...

Like we were searching for stars
in a... a black sky.

And how he could make me laugh.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

I remember this one time,
he ate so many plums

that his mouth turned as purple

as the hydrangeas
in Grandma's window box.

(TAWNY CHUCKLES)

How could he just disappear like that?

Leavin' nothing but a hole...

in my heart.

I never even got a chance...

to say goodbye.

(SIGHS)

I'll always miss him.

And I'll always love him.

'Cause he wasn't... just a turtle.

He was my best friend.

(SIGHS SOFTLY)

Scene.

(SNIFFLES)

(SIGHING)

Bravo, Tawny. That was terrific!

-Thank you.
-BARRY: Terrific!

-Thanks.
-That was so great.

Thank you.

Dude, Tawny was amazing, man.
She blew him away.

She was so good!
She's a lock to get into school.

-I mean, she's going...
-Twitty, I get it!

Mm. Hey.

-It was a good audition.
-Thank you.

Yeah, um, it was...
it was real good, actually.

Yeah, again, thank you.

You know, um, an audition like that

just might get you
into old SACCY, you know?

Yep. That's the idea.

Well, why do you want
to go to another school?

Well, I didn't,

but then it just became
more and more clear

that it was the right thing to do.

Well, I mean, you realize what you're...
you're leaving behind, right?

Like what?

Well, like Pizza Stick Thursday, you know?

Every... well, um...

What about our cross-country team?

It's second in the...
in the district.

Well, what about, um, you know,
the water fountain on the second floor?

The water isn't even brown anymore.
It's just tan.

Louis, I think I need a little bit more
than almost clear water to make me stay.

Well, what about your friends?

My friends will always be my friends

but I just realized I need to be around
people that care about things.

Whoa, hold on, hold on.
I care about things.

Really? Louis,
what do you care about?

Things.

Just things, you know.

Louis, I got to go.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I'll get it.

(HOOVES THUNDERING)

You look nice.

-New dress?
-Yes.

Oh.

Hi.

-BOTH: Hi.
-I brought some dessert.

-Oh, thank you.
-That's so sweet.

Hi. You must be Barry. I'm Steve.

I just cut some cheese in the kitchen.
Why don't we all go in there?

(EILEEN CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHING) You're funny.

How about another bun?

Oh, or another bread stick?

I probably have room for just one.

-These buns are very warm.
-These bread sticks have sesame seeds.

-Maybe I'll have one of each.
-EILEEN: Ah! (CHUCKLES)

Thanks.

-I'll take one of those buns.
-Okay.

Thanks.

Steve, you look so familiar to me.

Well, a lot of people think I look like
that guy on the new cop show.

The rookie who's always
taking his shirt off.

EILEEN: Hmm?

Would someone pass the butter, please?

-Oh, sure.
-Of course!

-EILEEN: Oh, dear.
-(GASPS) Oh, my gosh!

It's okay. It's good for the skin.

REN: I'm so sorry.

-Just a little on your brow...
-Scrape it off.

Barry...

Excuse us.

(WHISPERS) Sorry.

I know what's going on here.

You are both totally starstruck
and you're acting like teenagers.

I am a teenager.

Right. So, what's your excuse?

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I... I'm just such a big fan of his.
I don't know what got into me.

Well, cool it, both of you.
Nobody wants to be fawned over.

So can we just go back in there
and enjoy the rest of our evening?

I just figured out who you are.

You played for Michigan State.

I'm a Spartan, too.

Man, you are a legend!

You remember me?

How could anyone forget Steve Stevens?

Man, you had the best
stiff arm in the game.

That's it! Stiffy Stevens.

-(LAUGHS)
-Man, I used to love to watch you play.

Barry, Ren and I are very sorry...

I remember you scored
three touchdowns against Penn State.

Ah, but you must hate hearing this.

Oh, no, that's okay.
Actually, it was four touchdowns.

-BARRY: Four?
-STEVE: Yeah, it was four...

All right, this is how I scored
the winning touchdown against Iowa.

I had old Skip Hepplefinger
as my lead blocker.

Hey, Ren, come here.
You stand right there.

-You're gonna be old Skip, okay?
-Uh-huh.

At the snap, you're gonna block
the free safety, got it?

Good. Okay, Eileen,
you come on over here.

You're gonna snap the ball to me,
and when you do,

I'm gonna hit Barry
with the buttonhook.

This is a dream come true for me.

Of course it is.

Blue, , , hut, hut, hut.

Ho, Barry!

Whoa, perfect.
You be the free safety.

I can't. I got to talk to Ren
about something.

Thank you!

Hey, Barry, go deep.

-We've got to talk.
-REN: What?

All right, listen.

I want to audition
for the SACCY thing.

I want to play the drums or something,
or the bongos.

No, I'm sorry, Louis, you can't.
All the music spots are taken.

Well, that's fine
because I'm an actor at heart, Ren.

I'm an actor.

Remember, I was in that play
in kindergarten?

Remember the Alphabet Follies?

I was the dramatic one
with the pink, fuzzy suit

and my line... my line was...

(SINGSONGY)
"Tummy starts with 'T.'"

-Remember that?
-Yeah, it was a real showstopper.

-It was.
-Louis...

I know that this is about Tawny.

-STEVE: Attaboy! Go, Barry! Go long!
-Ren...

...just pull some strings.

Come on, just...
just help me out a little bit.

I really want to go to that school.

Oh, Louis.

I think it's sweet
what you're trying to do, but I'm sorry.

-I just can't...
-Just do it, Ren!

-STEVE: Let's try it again.
-If you say you can, you can.

STEVE: Come on, block me.

Okay. All right?

I'll see if there's any open slots.

-That's all I'm asking.
-STEVE: That's it! Watch out!

-(LOUD CRASH)
-EILEEN: Oh, Barry!

Are you okay?

-Okay, here you go.
-Ow!

Ooh. Oh, I'm sorry. How's your arm?

Uh, it's just a sprain.

Your mom really knows how to tackle.

Yes, well, speaking of pain.

my brother and his best friend
will be auditioning.

BARRY: Louis Stevens
and Alan Twitty.

Yeah, buddy.

So, fellas, why do you want to go
to SACCY?

I just like the overall atmosphere
of the place,

and, uh, that whole, you know,
feathers and tights thing.

I wanna be a part of that, sir.

What about you, Alan?

Oh, yeah. Me, too. Yeah.

Louis and Alan will be auditioning

for the Interpretive Dance Department.

Uh, we'll be performing
a, uh, classic American folk tune

as recited by our dear friend
Thomas Gribalski.

(CLEARS THROAT)
I'd just like to take this opportunity

to say that although
I was not selected to attend SACCY

I bear no ill will
towards Barry Hudson Jr.

or any member of his family.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS)

-Should I call security?
-No. He's harmless.

"I've been working on the...

"railroad...

"all the livelong day.

"I've been working on the railroad

"just to pass...

"the time away.

“Can't you hear the whistle blowing?"

-Hands in the air!
-(KAZOO TOOTING)

TWITTY: Oh, shak, shaka-laka.

TOM: "Rise up so early in the morn.

"Can't you hear the captain shouting

“Dinah, won't you blow your horn?"

(IMITATING HORNS BLOWING)

What is Louis doing?

TOM: "Someone's in the kitchen with..."

It's supposed to be
interpretive dance.

TOM: "Someone's in the kitchen,
I know..."

-He's auditioning? Why?
-TOM: "Fee fie fiddly-eye oh..."

Take a wild guess.

TOM: "Someone's in the kitchen
with Dinah,

“strummin' on the old banjo!"

(PLAYING UPBEAT, FOLKSY TUNE)

(GLIDING WHISTLE)

(BELL DINGS, THUD)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

-Hey.
-Hi.

(CLEARS THROAT) Listen, uh...

I wanted to wish you good luck
over at SACCY.

And, um... you know, I'm sorry
for goofing on you earlier.

And, in fact, I think it's a cool thing.

Thanks, but I'm not going.
I didn't make the cut.

Are they crazy? You were great.
You were the best one.

Thanks, but it's okay, really.

I don't mind staying here
with my friends.

(SIGHS)

I got to go,
'cause my mom's picking me up.

All right.

Bye.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Ren, Ren, come here, come here.

Tell me, what's up
with Barry Hudson Jr., huh?

He doesn't know talent
if it bit him in the heinie.

Um, you really stunk up there.

No, no, not me, not me. Tawny.

-Her audition was awesome.
-Yeah, that's why she got accepted.

-So she got accepted?
-Mm-hmm.

-She got accepted?
-Yeah, but she told me she wasn't going.

Why would she do that?

Louis, take a wild guess.

LOUIS: You know, Beans,

there comes a time
in every man's life

where he needs to move
onward and upward.

He's got to get rid of that
immature thing he's doing.

He's got to live in a more
mature world, Beans. A world...

Where's my stupid surprise, already?

Well, Beans, I was getting to that.

Brace yourself.

(BEANS SIGHS)

Wow! Your chewed gum collection!

And I want you to have it.

I'm speechless!

Beans, shh.

Don't say a word, Beans. Just hug me.