06x10 - American Idle

[bunniefuu]

There we go.

Carrie, hi, it's Debra from Murphy,
Blatt, and Sherman calling.

Just following up on your
interview with us today.

It was wonderful meeting you.

Unfortunately, it looks like

we're gonna go with
someone else for the job,

but, uh, hey, listen,
I ran out at lunch

and I bought a pair of
those great shoes you had on.

I love them. Thanks
for the tip. OK, bye.

I just had the best interview.

I met with one of
these female partners, OK?

And we totally hit it off.

You know, I actually like this
firm better than my old firm,

so screw them
for f*ring me, you know?

I guess everything just
happens for a reason.

You know when I knew
I really nailed it?

When she said
she loved my shoes

and asked me where I got them.

Oh, there's a message!

Uh, phone bad.
Phone bad.

Why? Did she call?
What'd she say?

Well, she did love the shoes.

I didn't get the job?

It's all right.
Come on now.

It's gonna be all right.

You just said everything
happens for a reason.

Come on. We both know
that that's crap.

I'm sorry, darling.

I take it things didn't
work out with your interview.

No.

I trust you'll give me
ample notice

if I need to make
other living arrangements.

Dad, don't worry. We're
not gonna kick you out

no matter how tight
money gets.

Mm-hmm.

Would it be possible
to get that in writing?

Arthur, go!

Mm-hmm.

I've been on, like,
, job interviews.

I can't do this anymore.

Coco, why you so upset?

Come over here.

I can't quite-a make it
over there.

I'm not huge enough.

You must eat more cheese.

Is this nipple on?

You know what I wish
I could do?

I wish I could just forget this
whole job search thing for a while

and just, you know,
focus on me.

What do you mean?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, I've been working
since I was .

There's a million things I
would do if I had the time.

Like what?

Like I've always wanted
to read the great gatsby,

and I wanted to, like,
really learn how to cook.

There's a million things
around here I wanted to do.

And, oh! You remember
when I wanted to start

my own business, making
designer cell phone cases?

You know, decorating
them with vintage, um,

fabric and fur?

What do you think? You
think I'd be good at that?

I've never personally
seen you work with fur,

but I'm optimistic.

So, what do you think?

You think I could just
take some time for me

and, you know,
just find myself?

You know what? Yeah, I
think you should do that.

We'll be all right.

We got enough savings, and
you've got a little severance.

Oh, my God, Doug. This is-thank
you. It's gonna be great.

I'll tell you
what would be great.

If you would introduce
me and lefty

to your
lady-breast friends.

Where are you going? Come
on! I got beers in the Van!

Hey.

Hey. What are you doing
with that coffee maker?

Ah, the thing broke
the glass thing that holds the coffee.

The carafe?

OK, we're in America.
Speak English.

Anyway, you gotta get a new
one that fits that, all right?

OK, I'll take care of it.

Great, thanks.
Look.

What's this, honey?

What?

My commute.

Nice. You want me
to grope you

so you feel like
you're on the subway?

You didn't get your
fill of that last night

when you thought
I was sleepin'?

I'm not proud of last
night. Can we move on?

Honey, I love this.

I just feel so energized.
Look at this.

I got my book,

and I got all our
old pictures out,

and I'm gonna
cross-reference them

with my old day planner

to get the right dates on
the back. How great is that?

Doesn't sound like something a Doug
Heffernan would sink his teeth into,

but you go to town.

All right, I gotta get
going. See you later.

OK, bye, honey.

When did we go
to this jackass' wedding?

Oh, "Dr. Phil confronts
giant babies."

Sweet!

I'm gonna go in a little early

'cause I gotta hit
Starbucks 'cause the, uh,

the coffee thing's
still broken there.

Hi.

Oh, hey, baby.

What's, uh, what's for dinner?

Oh. I already ate at : .
I'm sorry.

I'm not that hungry.

I am.

Doug. Doug, I'm sorry.

Honey, I'm so tired,

I can't even think straight.

So, how's the, uh,
great gatsby?

Oh, it's good.
I like it.

Hey, what's it about?

Um, just some great guy
named gatsby.

OK.

I'm just gonna
move this guy over here,

get him ready for his trip.

There she is.

OK.

Hey, man. Didn't see you this morning.

Yeah, I was a little late.
I went running.

Hey, can I ask you something?

What?

What does Kelly do all day?

You're interested in Kelly?

I think about Kelly.

I guess she, uh, gets the
kids ready in the morning,

takes them to school,
runs some errands,

makes dinner,
then we crawl into bed,

and usually sometime
during the : news

she opens for business.

Even after a full day like
that, she opens for business?!

You don't even
gotta bang on the door?!

No.

Son of a mother!

What?

Carrie-
I mean, she's home,

and she came up with this whole
plan about finding herself,

but she's not doing anything.

She made you
a pretty fine-looking lunch.

I made it!

I was up at A.M.
grilling flank steak

just to cheer myself up.

C- can I have a piece?

Yeah.

Not only is she doing
nothing during the day,

but the other night I tried
to get something going,

and she said she was "so tired
she couldn't think straight."

OK, first of all, what the
hell are you so tired from?

And second, why does
she have to think?

It's not like I've got a
rubik's cube down there.

Hey, honey.
Whatcha doing?

Just making some eggs.

Oh, can I have some?

Sure.

I'd, uh, make you
some coffee, but...

Thing's still broken.

Darling, I've been perusing
the classifieds for you,

and I have found some
interesting options.

Have you ever considered
dancing exotically?

Dad, you would
want your own daughter

to strip naked
in front of strangers?

You just shut down.

It's like they're
not even there.

Hey, guys.
Hey, Hol.

Arthur, ready for your walk?

Yes, and apropos to nothing,

how would you like to have
a long-term houseguest?

Why? Are you
having a problem?

I'm not.

Carrie,
is everything--

everything is fine!

Dad, I said we're not gonna kick
you out on the street, all right?!

Then why won't you
put it in writing?!

OK. Who's ready
for a walk?

Looks like
you're doing your thing,

so, uh, I'm
just gonna get going.

Yeah, I better
get on my stuff, too.

OK, bye-bye, now.

Bye, hon.

Uh, supervisor? Uh, well, my--

...a man with
no education to make a living.

Nigel says he's proud
of his criminal activities,

especially the fact that he's
recently become a successful pimp

with a stable of prostitutes
who sell their bodies for him.

Something his mom
knows nothing about.

Good day.

Doug, what are you doing?

Just waiting for judge Hatchett
to hand down her decision.

Doug!

I'm coming around.

Would you please explain to me

why you were outside spying
on me like a -year-old?

Uh, not a whole lot of
-year-old spies out there.

And the only reason
I'm checking up on you

is because I just don't get
what you're doing here all day!

You know what I'm doing.
We've discussed this.

No, I know what you said
you were gonna do,

but I mean, look at this.

You said you were gonna put
together a photo album, right?

Well, here we are
in Philadelphia.

And... black!

I mean, look at all these
pictures just sitting here.

They got Chinese food
all over them.

Look. Look at this.

There's chow mein on my face.

That's in the picture.

Well, it's not just that.

What about
the cell phone cases

and all this reading
you're gonna do?

The great gatsby--

do you even know
why he's so great yet?

What are you, my boss?
I have to prove to you

all the work
that I've been doing?

What? I have to ask you
for a bathroom key

next time I have to go?

Just help me understand this.

OK, humor me here.

OK, tell me what you did
yesterday, besides watch TV

and play the beginning
of the rose on the piano.

All right, you know what?
I am done talking to you.

This conversation is over.

Oh, I'll tell you
when this is over,

because I'm still talking.
Well, good.

Have fun talking to yourself.

What are you doing?

I am testing pens to
see which ones are dry.

Are you kidding me?!

Look, Doug,

I know it doesn't look
like I've gotten

a lot of work done
around here,

but I-I
have been thinking

about what my cell phones
are gonna look like, OK?

And I have been thinking about
how to arrange those pictures.

You ever heard of that?
Thinking?

Yeah, I heard of thinking.

I have a question for you.

You ever heard of dinner?!

What?

Yeah. You think one day here
while you're deep in thought,

you might just bump into the stove
and accidentally cook me something?!

Oh, so that's what this is all
about. Food. That's a shocker.

You know what?
It wouldn't be about food

if I could get myself
a hot cup of coffee,

but the coffeemaker's
been sitting in the doorway

for the last weeks!

You think you could
find yourself a half hour

to go out and get
a new glass pitcher thing?!

OK, you still can't remember
the word "carafe"?

I'm not calling it that.
It sounds fruity!

Well, you think
you can help out

by putting a lid
back on the pen here?

These are all dry, thank you.

Look, I understand
you're upset, OK?

And you think
I'm the bad guy here,

but don't you find it
the slightest bit odd

that we're paying for someone
to walk your father

while you're home on the couch

with
fully-functioning legs?

I am finding myself.

OK, well, let me help you.

Here you are!
Right in there!

That's you! I found you!

Now make some chicken!

So how are things
at the senior center?

You ever figure out
who stole all that applesauce?

Can we drop the chitchat

and address the huge elephant

that's in the room here?

What are you talking about?

This family's
financial situation.

You canceled my dog walker,

you're no longer offering
coffee in the kitchen.

We're clearly going under.

We're not going under.

Oh, come on.
This is the walk

when you just leave me
in the woods, isn't it?

No! Everything's fine!

I told you that the only
reason I'm walking you

and cooking and doing errands

is because Doug is making me.

Oh.

Well, you are home.

What's wrong with doing
things for your husband?

Nothing. Just a lot
of things I want to do,

you know, like, for me.

Like I wanted to do
all this reading

and had this idea to make
designer cell phone cases.

Maybe it's time
to stop blaming Douglas

and start
following your dream.

I think cell phone razors
are a brilliant idea.

You talk. You shave.

It's marvelous.

Cell phone cases,
dad. Cases.

Oh.

Well...
Good luck with that.

Hey, you guys,
I went to the craft store,

and I got some more fabric.

And I also got
the little plastic hot dogs

for the "take me out
to the ball game" phones.

How you guys doing?

I'm about halfway through
gluing the rhinestones on these.

Should be very popular
with the fey crowd.

Thank you guys so much
for helping me out here.

Can I take a break?

Mmm, actually,
Mickey, you know what?

Um, people are gonna be
coming here in a few hours,

so why don't you just finish
what you're doing there,

and then we'll see
where we're at, OK?

So, all right, now, all these

are for the cowgirl-themed
phones, all right?

So you guys
glue on the lassos,

and I'll-I'll
sew on the denim.

I'm so thirsty.

Hey, what's going on?

Hey, honey. I am
officially out of my funk.

I am finally making
my cell phone cases.

Really?
That's great!

Yeah. Hey,
check this one out.

Wow. Fuzzy.

Yes, and I invited a few people
over tonight for a little party

so I can whip these out
and sell 'em.

Who'd you invite?

Oh, just some of our
friends, the neighbors,

some people you work with.

Well, ain't that nice?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, it worked
for tupperware, right?

Tupperware was a good idea.

OK.

Uh, hello.

I just want to thank
everyone for coming.

I know you're all wondering
what you're doing here.

Um, as you may know, I've
been out of work for a while.

It's OK.
It's OK. It's OK.

Anyway, um,
while I've been home,

I started my own business

making designer
cell phone cases,

and because you guys
are all my friends,

I wanted to give you
first cr*ck at buying them,

so may I present to you...

Mobile homes!

Mobile homes!
I get it!

They're decorative homes
for your mobile phone.

Exactly.

Wow. You made these?

They're gorgeous.

But I bet they're expensive.

Not for what you're getting.

Are the little hairs on the back
of your neck standing up, too?

Darling, I dropped
my cell phone again.

I wish I had
a protective case phone--

uh, phone cell--

I mean, case cell-
oh, damn it!

OK, so who's first?

Uh, well, how much
is this Jets one?

Oh, the Jets one is .

Dollars?

Yeah, I know
it seems kind of high,

but you want to protect
your phone, don't you?

My phone was free.

How about you, Spence?

Oh, you know, I have a combo PDA
phone, and it's not gonna fit.

Oh, no. I made these
to fit any phone.

Well, actually,
the, uh--

yeah, let me see.
Give it.

OK, look.
You see, you just--

you gotta--

you just gotta--

you gotta work it.
There you go. All right.

See? Perfect.

Well, uh, oh, I think
it's dialing somebody.

Like you can't use
a new friend, right?

All right.
Come on, Holly.

You like your denim, right?

Holly, you like your denim.

How about a little denim
cowgirl cell phone case, huh?

Well, it's just, um,
you recently laid me off,

and I don't
really have a lot of--

OK, you're rehired.
It's $ .

OK.
OK.

Here you go.
Great. Thank you.

There you go.
Aah! Ow!

The little lasso cut me.

I'm OK.
I'm OK. I'm OK.

What is-what is wrong
with you people?

I mean, why--

why are none of you
looking directly at me?

Oh, my God.

What am I doing?

These are awful.

No, they're not.

They're
awful... great.

I'm-I'm so sorry.

A little eye contact
would have k*lled you?

Hey.

What am I doing?

I'm gluing plastic
hot dogs on cell phones

and making
my friends buy them.

They're nice.

Oh, shut up.

Would you make those people go away?

Yeah, I'll take care of it.

You know, I thought
I hit rock bottom

when I was laying on the
couch all day doing nothing,

but this is worse.

Look at me. I have no
job. I have no life.

I'm not finding myself.
I'm totally lost.

So-so you feel lost.

You don't think
I've felt lost before?

You don't think
the great gatsby was lost

before he became a magician?

He's a magician?

What the hell else
could he be?

He's the great gatsby!

Look, you're gonna find
yourself eventually.

You know, for now, maybe you
just need to lie on the couch.

And then maybe you'll go
out and find a new job.

You know, maybe you'll do
the cell phone cases again.

Although, you know,
I'm not pushing that.

Whatever you decide to do,

I want you to know I'm here
for you and I love you.

Thanks.

I knew there was a reason
I keep you around.

I think I got it.

Darling, I've dropped
my cellophane case phone.

Damn it!

Mickey, let's run it again.

Darling, I've dropped
my call phone again.

I wish I had a protective
coating on my coastal phone.

Oh, this is t*rture.