10x02 - Side Sitting

[bunniefuu]

Okay, I just wanted
to take you through

the main points of the
sexual harassment complaint

- from your assistant.
- Right. Right. Right.

The first contention is
you yanked at her clothes.

I yanked at her...
I cleaned my glasses.

- Cleaned your glasses.
- Her shirttail was sticking out.

I cleaned my glasses.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

- Send me to the cooler.
- I don't want you to worry about it.

I can handle this.

If she gets anything at all
here, it would be a travesty.

And I would,
I would leave the country.

I don't know where I'd go,
but I would leave.

I hear Canada is
a good place, maybe.

- But it's cold.
- I don't recommend moving to Canada.

What about... what about like
a Pacific island or something?

I want to assure you that
as upsetting as this is,

I think we'll either
be able to make it go away

or come to a reasonable
settlement.

- What? Come to a what?
- An amicable arrangement...

A settlement?
A reasonable settlement?

"Millions for defense.
Not one cent for tribute."

That's what we said when the British
were impressing our seamen.

You, you know they tried
to impress our seamen, right?

They'd be on the ship, they'd
yell across at one of our ships.

"Hey, there! We have the best
dental plan in all of Europe.

"Why, look at our bicorn hats
and fancy brass buttons.

How's that, sailors?
Are you impressed by that?"

Anything else
we haven't gone over?

- Hmm.
- Okay.

If anything comes to you
after this conversation...

- You'll be the first to know.
- ...you're in your car, you're driving home...

- Yeah.
- ...pick up the phone.

- Really?
- Yeah.

If I do happen to call you,
which I very well could,

does that mean that
I'll be charged for the time?

In this office, we, uh, we try
to use a holistic approach

to compensation.
- Mm.

We want our clients
not to be inhibited

in their use of our services.

So you charge me.

Yeah.

Uh, all right, I think
that takes care of it.

- May I use your bathroom?
- Yeah, the bathroom's, uh,

just to your right,
down the hall.

Right there at reception where you came
in, there's a little jog in the hallway.

Yeah. No. I already saw that, but
I'm here, and, you know, it's...

an infinitely better bathroom
than to send me to a public...

Oh, it's nothing special.

You'll be much happier down the hall.
We just redid 'em. They're great.

I'll leave it exactly
the way I found it.

I'm like a m*rder*r
going in there.

I completely expunge all
evidence that I was ever there.

Motion denied, as they
say in the profession.

Where is it?

Down the hall
and to the right.

Hi.

- Mr. David.
- Validation, please.

Is that a problem?

Well, I mean,
to be perfectly honest,

do you really think
that you need it?

It's not about the money, okay?

It's about having to go
into your pants pocket,

in a car when you're paying.

Have you ever been in a car
trying to get to your pocket?

- It does seem like a great deal of effort.
- Yes.

This is why homeless people
don't make a lot of money

from people in cars, 'cause nobody
wants to go into their pockets.

There you are, Mr. David.
You have a lovely day.

Yeah. Uh, you know what?

This is only for an hour.

I was here for
at least an hour-ten.

Sure thing.

Here, Mr. David.
You have a good day.

Hope to see you again. I intend
to be in this building a lot.

That's fantastic.

Hello?

Larry, uh, this is Dr. Bahn.

- Yeah?
- I'm not liking some of the numbers I'm seeing

and would like to test you
for thyroid cancer.

I would like to get an MRI

just to be safe.

Is there a mass?

Yes. There is a mass.

Has it... spread?

Well, that we don't know,
and that's why

I'd like to get you in
for some tests today.

- What are my odds?
- Uh, Larry, it's way too early

to be thinking that way.

Just contact my office,
and, uh,

we should get the results
in two days.

- And a two of hearts.
- Ooh, lucky you.

Possible flush,
no straight.

- Go ahead, Leon. You got the bet.
- Woo!

- You got the bet.
- See what I got.

- Come on, spend some money.
- Bam!

- Nope.
- Swat?

- Richard?
- Two.

Ooh.

All right, I'm in.

Why weren't you at the
fundraiser the other night?

- For the prison art collectors?
- What, what, what fundraiser?

For the prisoners
who draw art.

I sent you the invitation.
Why weren't you there?

- I never got the invite.
- We sent it.

Never got it.
Must have got lost in the mail.

Aah, boy. I don't trust the mail anymore.
I swear I don't.

That stinks.
I would have gone to that.

- You would have enjoyed it.
- Wow.

All right, next card
is a ten of spades.

- I'm out. I fold.
- Okay, he's out. Go ahead.

You're out. You check.

- I fold.
- Fold.

- Really?
- I just wanna give you... Yeah.

I wanna give you a heads up.

Susie's birthday
is in about a week.

Why are you giving me
a heads up?

Uh, she told me to tell you.

- Get the hell out of here. She told you to tell me?
- Yeah. Yeah.

As a matter of fact,
she wants a camera.

She's shameless, this woman.
She's shameless.

- It's unbelievable.
- Wow.

You don't get to pick
your gift, okay?

- I'm not a Sears catalog.
- Just lettin' you know. Just lettin' you know.

Anyway, I already got her something.
It's gonna be a nice surprise.

- Really?
- Yeah.

All right, nine
is the last card.

You got the bet.

Go ahead. You guys are out.
Go ahead.

I just want you to know before
you bet, I have a pair of aces.

Okay.
Twenty bucks, aces.

I have a pair of aces.
I call. What do you have?

Okay. I got three nines.

- Ooh! sh*t!
- That's unbelievable.

- Huh?
- Ate your ass for dinner.

On the river, you get a nine.

Cincinnati Kid.

You are the luckiest
guy around.

- Honest to God.
- Yeah, yeah, luckiest guy around.

I went to the doctor this week,
and, I, uh...

She found something, and...

- She's testing for, you know, cancer, so...
- Wow.

- I'll find out in a few days.
- Really?

- Yeah. I'm sure it's nothing, you know.
- You're kidding me.

- sh*t, Larry.
- God damn.

You're up.

Well, I just want
to let you know,

lettin' you know,

if you do have cancer...
- Hmm.

...I can't be
your friend anymore.

I-I'm not a cancer friend.
I can't do the cancer friend.

- That's not me. It's too much. Too much.
- Hmm. Yeah.

You know, I gotta agree
with Jeff.

If you get cancer,
I'll never speak to you again.

- Wow.
- I get that. Yeah.

When I found out
my daddy had cancer,

I never spoke
to that man again.

- I even stopped taking his calls.
- Wow. Really?

- Yep.
- Did he die?

I don't know.

- Mm.
- Whoa.

That's f*ckin' deep, man.

All right, I'll tell you what.
I have a proposal.

Let's make
a little deal here, okay?

A no-cancer friend
reciprocity pact.

If anyone gets it, we all
stop being friends with you,

and vice versa.

- There you go!
- Very gracious of you!

Don't f*ck up. Don't f*ck with
me, I won't f*ck with you.

- All right.
- Leon, your deal. Come on, let's play poker.

- Let's go, baby.
- Okay.

Sorry I'm late.

- It's okay.
- You know what?

I detest every
single person in a car.

- There are a lot of stupid drivers, yeah.
- Yeah.

How are you feeling?

I'm better.

- I'm a lot better.
- I'm really sorry about

that talc incident.

I say next time, just...

do the shower, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, geez, look at,
look at this thing.

- Huh?
- Yeah, I know, it's...

Jesus, look, look, what...
I, I don't understand it.

- Another wobbly table.
- I know.

They're all over.
It's an epidemic.

I'm gonna end the wobbly table
epidemic, in my coffee house.

- Mm.
- Ours are gonna be cemented in...

- They're gonna be cemented in the ground.
- Mm-hmm.

Ah. You know what?
I think I'll do a little, uh,

a little side-sitting.

- A side-sit?
- Yeah. A side-sit.

I don't think
that's a good idea.

- Why? What's the big deal?
- Well, it's, uh, very intimate.

I... This is too far
to talk to somebody.

It feels a little close.

- I don't think so.
- Okay.

Oh.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

It's my mailman.
His name's Lionel.

Hey.

- Lionel?
- Yeah.

- Take care. Have a good day.
- Thank you. You too.

Yeah. Something about that
guy gives me the creeps.

- Yeah.
- Um...

- How are you doing?
- Good. Can I introduce you to my friend, the elephant?

Huh? He's a big boy.

- Keeps growing.
- Yes, yes.

I mean,
how do you feel about it?

Well, I feel the same
as I've always felt.

I think we should...
I think we should be together.

Yeah, I don't...

I don't think
that's a good idea.

I think we need to...

end it, call it off.

I think we should be apart.

You know, I...

I was at the doctor,

and I'm waiting
to get some...

test results back.

Oh. What kind of tests?

Could be...

cancer?

It's just a test, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

It's a test, but...

- it's a test for cancer.
- Right.

I mean, a lot of people
get tested.

Not for cancer.

- Yeah, a lot of people get tested for cancer.
- No, this is cancer.

- It's a cancer test.
- I know a lot of people...

No, this is cancer.

- Um...
- Serious, serious test.

- Could you excuse us for a sec?
- Sure.

Well, I hope your tests
come back negative,

but we're not gonna
get back together.

Hypothetically,
suppose she told me I had...

two years.

Would that alter your
thinking about us at all?

- You mean, get together for two years until you d*ed?
- Yeah. Yeah.

I think you'd have
a pretty good time.

- Do you? Yeah.
- Yeah, I'd be complaining a little bit.

But I can get a nurse
and complain to the nurse

and leave you out of that part.

Well, let's see
what the tests... say.

You know, we could do
a lot of traveling.

You don't like to travel.

Would you mind if
I brought the nurse along?

Okay. I think we're good
the way we are.

Yeah.

All right.

- What are you gonna get?
- I don't give a f*ck.

Okay, Mr. Greene.

- Almost finished. Just need to pick up two...
- Hey, Milos!

How ya doing?

- Good. How are you?
- Good. You coming over to the coffee store later?

- Of course. I'll be there. I got to finish up. See you.
- Beautiful. Thank you.

- Milos, he's gonna be doing some work in the coffee place.
- Yeah, he's fantastic.

Wh-what's that?

It's a little somethin'
for your wife.

A birthday present.
Huh?

So how'd it go with Cheryl?

Not gonna happen.

- No!
- Yeah.

- I'm sorry, man.
- Well, you know, it's a long sh*t, anyway.

- Did you think it would happen?
- No, I knew it was a long sh*t,

but what are, you know,
what are you gonna do?

I'll tell you what you do.
You're gonna get back out there.

You can't date now.
You can't...

How do you even
make a move in this climate?

Plus, I got that sexual harassment
thing from the, uh, assistant.

And I'm old and bald.

- Old and bald.
- Yeah.

- That means nothing.
- Please. Are you kidding?

- You're rich!
- You think rich beats old and bald?

You could have mutton chops
and wear a, a cartoon tie

of, uh, Felix the Cat.

Some old-timey cartoon.

You can, you can
paint them blue,

and wear an Abe Lincoln hat.
You'll be fine.

- Really?
- Trust me. Yeah.

Okay. I'm gonna
get back out there.

I gotta ask
you something.

The other night at poker,

that invitation,
it, it didn't get lost.

- No, of course not.
- You made that whole thing up.

- Yeah. Totally made it up.
- Oh, you're good.

Blame it on the mailman.

- Blame it on the mailman.
- Yeah.

- Jeffrey!
- Oh...

- Oh, hi, Lar.
- Oh, hello.

- I didn't know you were here.
- I am here.

- Yeah? What?
- Stand right there.

- Okay.
- Don't move.

What? What? What?

- What is that?
- What is it? It's for you!

- For your birthday!
- You've never gotten me a birthday gift.

I did this year!

Yeah, what is it?
What is it?

Oh, my God. Larry!

- Oh, my God!
- Huh? You love it?

- I had it commissioned.
- A great artist.

Gave me a big discount.

- You had this made for me?
- Yeah.

- From you, of all people, 'cause you're not a giver.
- No.

Oh, my God.

It's absolutely
magnificent.

It's magnificent.
It's a work of art.

It's not just 'cause it's me.

All is forgiven.

Everything
you've ever done,

every horrible thing

you've done to me
is forgiven for this.

What are you talking about?
What have I done?

- Oh, my God. Jeff, what...
- What are you forgiving?

Oh, wait a minute. I gotta go
talk to this f*ckin' Milos.

Screwing up my deck.
Hey, Milos! Milos!

What were you thinking?

I thought I told you a camera,
a f*cking camera.

- This is mahogany cream.
- You f*cked me.

What? It's sh*t.
Do you understand what I'm saying?

- I wrote it down. Mahogany cream.
- Yes! This is mahogany cream!

- This is not mahogany cream!
- This is mahogany cream.

I'm not paying for
this piece of sh*t crap!

You redo it,
or you don't get paid.

It's bullshit!

- That poor bastard never had a chance.
- No.

- Mr. David?
- Yeah?

I've heard that you're
going around telling people

that I've lost
their invitations?

Wh-where'd you
get that from?

Andy and Cassie David
told me.

Can I tell you
a little story?

I got invited to
some kind of fundraiser,

prison art something. I...
you know, I'm not gonna...

I'm not gonna do that.
So I said...

I never got the invitation.
It got lost in the mail.

- Lost in the mail.
- Yeah.

So, I'm the mail.

- Yes. In this particular case...
- I'm the guy that is delivering the mail,

so that is a stain on
an otherwise perfect record.

I've never lost
a piece of mail.

- Come on. All right.
- Listen, I just need you to please...

go tell Andy and Cassie
the truth about this.

I'll consider it. Look, can
I give you a little tip?

If you're gonna
confront somebody

and ask them to do
something like this,

it's better to do it
with pants on.

The shorts...

This is the required uniform
for a postman.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And the socks, too?

- That's part of it? The black socks?
- Right.

Yes. Post Office
issued socks. Yes.

They issue socks?

- Yeah.
- How many pairs?

What does that
have to do with this?

I'm just curious how often
you have to wash those socks.

They give you five or six pairs,
and you rotate them. Okay?

- How many pairs of shorts do they give you?
- Listen.

If you don't want to go
to something, don't go,

but don't hide behind
the US Postal Service.

It's hard to take a person
seriously wearing shorts.

I'm at work, doing work.
This is my work uniform.

- I'm confronting you.
- I'm giving you, I'm giving you...

Excuse me one second.
I was giving you a good tip.

- Good advice.
- Take the call.

- I'm givin' you good advice.
- Just take the call.

Hello?

- Larry David?
- Yes?

It's Dr. Bahn.

The test results came back.

Aah. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

As you know, we did
a fine-needle biopsy,

on the mass.
- Oh, my God. This is bad.

- And an MRI.
- It's bad. It's bad. What?

It's just a benign cyst,
not cancerous.

- You're clean as a whistle.
- Ah! Ha-ha!

Ah! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

- Oh, thank you. Thank you!
- You're welcome.

Ah! Negative! Negative!

- Ah!
- Just... okay?

- Fine. The matter at hand...
- I'll, I'll talk to 'em.

- Please tell Andy and Cassie...
- I'll talk to 'em. I'll talk to 'em.

Yes.

Mr. Swindell will be here
in five minutes.

- Make yourself comfortable.
- Okay.

All right.

- Okay. Hey, Larry.
- Oh, hey!

- Sorry to keep you waiting.
- Oh, no, no. Don't be silly.

All's good?
You've been well?

Funny you should mention it,
'cause I had a bit of a scare

at the doctor,
I just got the results back,

and, uh... I'm good.

Oh, that's great.
You must be relieved.

Well, I'm relieved, except it's
been two days since I found out,

and not one of my friends
has inquired

as to how the test turned out,
not one.

- I see.
- I'm gonna dump the whole bunch of 'em.

- I'll get myself some new friends.
- That's great news.

- Maybe, uh, maybe we could strike up a friendship.
- I'm relieved for you.

I, I have a busy life,
and, uh...

but, uh, I am,
I am really relieved

that you got the news that you got.
- Mm, thank you.

And I have some other
good news for you, too.

Which is that Ms. Huff's team
gave me a call,

and she would like
to meet with you.

Face-to-face,

just the two of you alone
in a public place, of course.

Alice wants to meet?

The fact that she is
reaching out is great.

That's fantastic.
Maybe she's come to her senses.

If you just give her
the chance to air

whatever she wants to air,
listen to her, and maybe...

Yeah, sure, yeah. I'll listen. I'll...
we'll air. Yeah, listen and air.

Then the whole thing
could go away.

That's good news. Look at you.
The bearer of good tidings.

Uh, sorry.

Hold on one second.
Just to get a tissue.

What's up?

Problem?

Did you use my bathroom?

What? No.
Absolutely not.

Why would I use your bathroom?
You told me not to.

I mean, you did ask to use it.

Yes, I did, but you were
quite emphatic about it.

And, uh, you know,
well, what am I gonna do?

- That's, that's the rule.
- Your interest was not casual.

I'm telling you the truth.

- It's your old pal.
- Mr. David.

Beautiful view here. How long did
it take you to take it for granted?

Um... not long,
I guess.

It would take me
about a day, maybe less,

maybe a half an hour.

And I would never look out
the window again

and go,
"Ooh, look at that view."

Anyway, here
for some validation.

Can I ask you something?

Swindell... have you
ever used his bathroom?

- I have.
- What?

Why fly public when you
can fly private, am I right?

I mean, the public toilets,
forget it.

- Don't get me started.
- You can't do it.

Have you been
in a woman's restroom?

Do you know how vile
women can be?

Women? Oh, that's nothing compared
to a men's room, nothing.

You guys get to stand up.
We have to sit down.

Hey, you know what? I'll take you
out for a night on the town.

We'll go toilet-hopping.

We'll, we'll look at men's
rooms and ladies' rooms,

and we'll make a little comparison.
Would you like to do that?

- As in a date?
- Yes, yes, a date.

I know this is something you've probably
been dreaming about most of your life.

"Oh, dear God, please let
me meet an old bald man,

"who will take me
toilet-hopping,

"from toilet to toilet,
throughout the town.

Please, God.
Please make that happen."

I'm game.

I, I, I don't even know
what to say. I'm shocked.

- Validation?
- Yes. And your name is?

My name is Rita.

Rita. You'll be hearing
from me.

You lucky gal!

What? What?

Larry?

- Hey.
- What's in there?

Oh, it's a, uh...
coffee place.

I'm opening up a spite store
to take him out of business.

I don't know what a spite store
is, and I don't really care.

- I want to talk to you about something.
- Sure.

Somebody told me
you were side-sitting Cheryl.

- Who told you that?
- The mailman. He said he was in a restaurant

and saw you side-sitting.

You're making too much
about a side-sit.

I side-sit with everybody.

I side-sit with my doctor,
I side-sit with my therapist.

I've never seen you
side-sit anybody.

If you ever see me sitting,
you'll see me side-sitting.

Hello?

What were you thinkin'
gettin' Susie that painting?

Aah, I'm-I'm so sorry.

It stares at me!
It's just there!

I go for a snack,
it's staring at me!

I wish there was somethin'
I could do.

Well, I told you
to get her a camera!

Why couldn't you
get her a camera?!

I should have given her
the camera.

Next time get her a camera!

Believe me,
there won't be a next time!

Good! Don't get her
anything again!

I will never give anyone a gift again.
What do you think about that?

I think it's the best idea
you've had all day!

- I'm done with presents!
- My birthday's coming up in a month!

- What are you gettin' me?!
- Nothin'!

- Ha! Thank you!
- You're welcome!

Aah!

I like what you did with this apartment.
Thank you.

- You play the piano?
- I don't. No.

I borrowed it.

You don't play,
and you borrowed a piano?

It was a joke.
I didn't borrow the piano.

Well, that's quite a, uh...

That's quite an attempt
at a joke.

Thank you.
You could use it.

That's okay.

All right, well, we've come to that
juncture in the evening where...

a move of some kind
is either...

required or, uh...
expected.

I agree.

- You agree?
- I do.

- That's good. That's good. Now...
- That's good.

...given the current climate,

I would like to ask you
a series of questions

to determine how
comfortable you are

with physical contact
as it progresses.

All right.
That sounds fair.

I'd like to begin
by taking my right hand

and place it on
your right shoulder.

- Would that be acceptable?
- That is acceptable. Yes.

- Ah. Okay.
- Okay.

- Now I'd like to take this left hand of mine...
- Yes.

...and place it
under your rib cage,

fairly close
to the right breast,

but keeping a safe distance.

That is acceptable.

- There we go.
- That's very nice.

Ah! By the way,
throughout this process,

I would encourage any feedback.

- Well, and I would expect the same from you.
- Oh.

How would you feel about
a little grazing of the lips?

I think I would feel
very good about that.

Well, then a grazing
you shall have.

Aha.

And now...

I would like to...

graze again,
but this time,

with some intertwining
of the tongue.

- We could do that.
- Excellent!

Hmm.

Well, now I think we have
to take a little break.

With your permission, of course,
I would like to take a video

in order to document
the evening.

You know, just in case
there are any discrepancies

of the he-said,
she-said variety.

- Would you be able to forward that to me?
- Of course.

I will forward it to you
and cc,

or bcc to anyone you like.

Fantastic.

Begin session.

- This is Rita.
- Hi.

Um, Rita, you're here
under your own volition?

- I am. Yes.
- Nobody forced you here. Isn't that correct?

That is correct.
Nobody forced me.

- You're not here under duress of any kind?
- No.

- You're kind of enjoying yourself, are you not?
- I am.

Nothing, uh, untoward
has happened.

Nothing's happened
without your permission.

- Absolutely not.
- Thus far.

Okay.

- Let's continue.
- Let's.

I'm placing my right hand
back on her right shoulder,

with her permission, of course.
- Yes.

And now, what I'd like to do
is take this left hand,

which I've
introduced to you earlier,

I'm going to place it
on your inner thigh,

and slowly
inch my way up,

in a crab-like fashion,

Well, seeing as it is
our first date, Larry,

I think that I'm going
to have to say no to that.

- I'm perfectly okay with that.
- Okay.

And what if I took
this same left hand,

and extended it
laterally,

and somehow wind up

on that right breast,

and perhaps, uh, gave it
a little, uh, squeeze.

Uh, that would be the
worst thing in the world?

I'm gonna have
to say no again.

Okay. Another no.

Hand's away. Look at the hand.
All gone.

Well.

- It seems we've reached a bit of an impasse.
- I think so.

End session.

Well, I'd like
to propose a toast

to Andy and Cassie.

- Welcome to the West Coast.
- Hear! Hear!

- I'm sorry it took us
so long to get you here.

- But here you are.
- Thank you so much.

- Yes.
- It's a beautiful home.

- Yeah, well, you know I have a...
- And this is...

This is quite an addition.

Isn't it?
Isn't that something?

You know, if I tell you

who got that for me,
you're gonna be shocked.

Larry David,
the most thoughtful man

I've ever met,
had that commissioned.

Where do you find
an artist like that?

You'll find it.
You look it up.

You know what I love
about it is...

the size.
- The dimensions.

- Yes. I know.
- Oh, the dimensions.

Anything smaller
would have felt too small.

Bigger would have felt
ostentatious.

It's not even
that, Susie.

Know what it is? I've never
seen you with, I don't know,

with such a joy for life

in that painting.
- Yeah, they captured that in me, didn't they?

- Absolutely.
- It's something.

Did you have to send him
a picture

and then he painted it
from that?

Yeah.

How long does it take once
you get the artist...

I don't know.
A couple of weeks.

- Okay? Took a couple of weeks.
- Okay.

- Mm.
- LD, what the hell's wrong with you?

Three days now. I've gotten the
results back from my cancer test.

Not one of you bothered
to call me and ask me

if I got the results back.
Not one.

And by the way, I did,
and I'm fine. Okay?

- Skyler had this paper due for social studies.
- It was on Cuba.

We were, we're very
immersed in it.

- I'm sorry. You're right. He's
been working with her nonstop.

And I, I, I honestly
planned on it,

but I, I,
I planned on it.

I ain't gonna lie, man.
I f*ckin' forgot.

- My bad.
- I already explained myself. All right?

What kind of friends are you?

Seriously! What
kind of friends are you?

- But you're fine, right?
- Yeah, I'm fine!

You know what?
You can all go f*ck yourself!

Oh, sh*t!

Holy Christ!

You ruined my painting!
You destroyed it!

Jeff?

What kind of piece of sh*t,

m*therf*cker does something
like that?

Where the f*ck do you get off?

This was the prized possession

of this household.
- I'm so sorry.

- So... You know what?
- What?

I'm gonna replace
that painting.

I'm gonna give it to the
artist, he's gonna fix it,

it's gonna be
better than ever.

You don't bring it back
until it's perfect.

- Don't worry. I won't.
- Wait. Stop, stop!

We were at LACMA, and we met
this guy who restores paintings.

- He restores paintings. He's amazing!
- No, no, no, no.

Larry, we're gonna help out.
Don't you worry.

Hey! Shut the f*ck up!
I told you I'm gonna do it!

Okay! Okay!

God!

You know what?

I think this whole thing
can be a blessing in disguise.

- Really? Oh, blessing in disguise?
- You tell me how.

I've never been entirely
happy with this painting.

He didn't really capture
the luster of your skin.

Or, or the sparkle
in your eyes.

The sparkle in her eyes.

Now I realize it.

A blessing in disguise.

Okay. Thank you.

- Let's eat.
- Let's eat.

So, Larry, we almost
finished here.

You got... You're two-thirds done already.
It's incredible.

Plus, I have
extra boards for you.

I take it to your house
and fix your pantry like new.

- No charge.
- What?

- Believe me, I'm gonna pay you.
- Larry, I take care of you.

- I can take the stuff
to your house right now.

Ha.
Mrs. Greene.

She make bad recommendation
all over town about my business.

- What?
- Yes.

- Oh, my God.
- Remember? I make mahogany cream?

- Yes.
- I work so hard?

- Yes.
- I make it nice?

- I know.
- And what she do? She ruined my name.

Oh, she's terrible.
No friend of the working man.

Okay. Larry, listen,

I can go right now. I take
the boards to your house,

and I make it fast.
- Great idea.

...mahogany cream!

...mahogany cream!

I mean, the whole thing
was just a series

of unfortunate
misunderstandings.

That wasn't Harvey Weinstein.

That was Jeff Greene,
my manager.

I guess the culture's
just sort of changing, and...

- Hmm. Yeah.
- ...um, we're

defining our boundaries more.
- Boundaries. Boundaries. Yes.

And personal space,
like for instance, my tattoo.

You don't get to demand
to know what it's about,

because it's on my body.
- No, of course not. Of course not.

I, I'm not that guy. I know who you think...
I'm not that guy.

- Okay.
- We don't need lawyers or anything like that.

Come back to work.
Bring Bogey. I miss Bogey.

- I miss that little doggy.

- I'll bring him five bowls, okay?
- Okay.

If we can go back
with like a mutual respect

and honesty, um...

- I really appreciate your openness.
- That's funny.

You know, this is how
culture moves forward.

- Yeah.
- What are you doing?

- I'm side-sitting.
- You can't side-sit with me.

No, no. Wait. Where are you going?
Stay here just one second.

- Oh, my God.
- Sit quiet.

- Let go! Oh, my God.
- Huh.

Hmm?

All right.
You're all right.

Let go of me! I came
here with an open mind.

- No, no, I...
- You don't get to grab me,

at a banquette or side-sit!
- No, I had to side-sit.

I had to side-sit because...

I had to side-sit
because I...

Aah, what are you...
No, Alice!

Hey, uh...

How'd those test results
turn out?

You know, everybody here
is really pulling for you.

Oh, they turned out just fine.
Thank you very much.

What a blessing.

So Victor and Sammi want to buy a house.
What do you think?

We give 'em
a down payment.

Is that too generous?
You know, I never know.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Slow down, slow down, slow down.

What the f*ck?

Larry, what the hell
did you do to my picture?

Oh, my God!
It was beautiful,

and it's all destroyed!

You piece of sh*t, Larry!

You piece of f*cking
turd nothing! f*ck you!

assh*le!

Mr. David.

Did you ask Ms. Huff
inappropriate questions

about her relationship
with her dog, Bogey?

- I guess that all depends on...
- Wait. Objection. Relevance.

When she asked you to stop asking
questions about her tattoo,

did you respect her wishes?

I was very curious about it.
There's a guy with one eye.

I thought it might have been
Mr. Clean.

Do you have any idea?

I have no further questions
for the witness.

- You may go.
- Thank you.

Okay. I actually just have
a couple, Lucy.

Mr. David, the answers
you're giving today

are your sworn testimony,
isn't that right?

- Hmm-hmm.
- You came here of your own volition,

voluntarily?
- I did.

Because you want
the truth to be known.

- Absolutely.
- I just have one question.

Did you...

use my bathroom?

- No.
- I grow tired of asking, Mr. David.

And I remind you,
you're under oath.

Did you or did you not
use my bathroom?!

- What are you doing?
- I think I'm eating an apple.

Okay. I'm worried you're not
taking this seriously.

You're blithely
eating an apple here.

There's no other way
to eat an apple but blithely.

- Yeah, but I need...
- That's how apples are eaten.

How do you serve eggs
without toast?

You can't serve the eggs
without the toast.

You are like a president
in the 18th century

on the back of a train saying,

"And there will always be
toast with eggs."

I think you can introduce me
sort of as a renaissance man.

A guy who speaks six languages.

You wanna impress people
with lies?

Well,
how else do you impress them?