03x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

Oi! Stop!

I've gone back to
an old line of work.

I'm doing things that
aren't strictly legal.

Where's my son? Sorry, I don't know.

I know he's dead.

Tudor banquet.

We lure Mrs Whelan into booking
two tickets but when they get there,

there is no event. Just you.

I'm in.

# When I was

# It was a very good year

# It was a very good year
for small-town girls

# And soft summer nights

♪ We'd hide from the lights... ♪

# On the village green

♪ When I was ... ♪

So, what do you think?

We need to make it look legit
from the outside,

make it look busy.
You'll have to get, like, a PA

and play some crowd noise and, like,
bare Greensleeves and sh*t over it.

Yeah, sure, I can sort that.

Er, I could do a banner
and decorate the doorway and...

and maybe a funny blackboard.
Yes, good.

Not the blackboard, though.

Car park needs to be full.

Cousin of mine's got a dealership.
He should be able to sort us out.

Great. So basically, they'll come in

and I'll be waiting here

and I'll be like...

Bang!

Easy, clean.

Perfect. Well, um, sounds like
you've got it all in hand

so we'll just get onto these jobs
and help you set the place up and...

..leave you to do the business,
I guess.

What? Yeah.

Nah, nah, nah,
you two need to be here.

What about the wife?

I need you to hold her back,
get her out of the way.

Can't do this without your help.

Wife? Yes, OK.

So...

We're now quite involved
in this m*rder.

Yeah, well,
let's not kid ourselves -

we were always involved,
it's just...

now we might have to see a bit more.

Just feels quite a bit worse
than making bunting.

Yeah, well, if you think about it

we'll actually be taking
a lady OUT of the path of danger.

We're like stretcher bearers
in World w*r I

or Medecins Sans Frontieres.

She'll probably be glad to see
the back of him more than anyone.

Yeah. Yeah.

He's a monster at work.
God knows what he's like at home.

Probably pisses
all over the toilet seat.

And I bet he's a d*ck about
putting the heating on.

Absolutely. Yeah.

Yep, there she is.

: .

Same time as yesterday and
the day before. Like clockwork.

Who goes to a beauty parlour
every day?

Hey, don't knock it. I'd do
the same if I had her success.

All right, Hayley, love, thanks.

It's nails tomorrow, isn't it?

Comes around quick.

We've not had a proper night out,
Willy, just the two of us, in years.

What you talking about?
We did a couple of weeks ago.

When?

We had that Chinese takeaway.

I mean, go out. Properly.

We live in a pub.
That's the beauty of it.

You could have a Breezer right now,
who's going to stop you?

This is for you.

What's this?
It's for you. Take it.

Has he sent you, has he?
Trying to buy me off?

No, no, no, this is my money.

I don't want money.

Look, I'm just trying to help...

Yeah?

Any phone call yet?

Lot of phone calls
but none from a Whelan.

sh*t, right, OK, well,
just keep turning them away.

Anyone who isn't Mrs Whelan,
it's sold out.

Look, it was a nice idea, yeah?

But maybe we just admit
it's not going to work.

But I've been thinking -
given the levels of interest,

you know, I might just straight up
do a Tudor banquet,

start selling the tickets for real.
I'll cut you in %.

What? No.

End of the day, I'm a caterer, fam.

Look, this is going to work, OK?
Just stick with it.

We just need to up the ante.

You've seen them on TV.
You've read about them in books.

Now eat your dinner dressed as them.

Yes - the Tudors.

Off with the head
of a delicious pig,

which we will then spit-roast.

Book now, quoting Radio Avon,

and your lord, or lady, dines free.

She's told me
she's going to wear a jumpsuit,

she's only turned up
in a flipping baby doll.

Oh, my God, no way.

Who does that?

Give me two moments, all right?

Hi. Sorry, um, bit of a weird one...

I'm with a modelling agency.
Could I have a quick word?

Outside?

Yeah, sure.

Sorry, love,
just sweeping round your legs.

So, um, er, if you don't mind,
if you could give us a little spin?

Lovely, lovely figure.

So, any plans for this weekend?

Oh, um...

I have. My boyfriend's taking me
to this Tudor banquet.

Cos he loves me.

Oh, I want to go to that.

Don't tell me
I gave them all out in Milan.

Can I get my husband to agree?

Oh, well, do you know what I do
when it's like that?

Just book the tickets
and tell him we're going.

Well, I should be getting back
inside. Yes, um... Good for you.

Yeah, anyway,
I'd better get out of your way

and let Hayley do your roots.

If you're interested, then Google us
at, er...Lady Models.

OK, sure, thanks.

Oh, where was I?

Anyway, I turned up
in a pencil skirt

so it was all right in the end.

We were walking home,
oh, all night long.

Right, anyone who ain't Patrick,
f*ck off.

Everything all right, Willy?

That ginger lad, yeah?

Did you give his mum some money?

Look, I'm really sorry, Willy.

She came up to me in the street
the other day. She was a real mess.

I didn't say the money was
anything to do with her son

and I didn't mention you
or, or the boys.

I made it clear that it was...
it was my money.

sh*t, I'm so sorry. I should've...

How much did you give her?

About...

..five grand.

There's double.

Ten grand.

What?

That's for you.

Willy, I...

You're a good man, Patrick.

I wish I'd thought to do that, I do.

Poor women. Not her fault
her son's a dickhead, is it?

Um...no.

You done a good thing,
a beautiful thing.

Well, she didn't seem to think so.

Well, f*ck her, then.

f*ck her.

Use that money to do
something nice for yourself.

Get a new suit or something.

Or a blow job.

While Steve and Sarah take time
to consider their options,

I'm off to catch up
with Mark and Charlotte...

Hello?

It worked. Mrs Whelan, she just
booked two tickets to the banquet.

Yes!

OK, speak soon.

It worked. She bought two tickets.

Right, now there's just
the small matter of

the battering to death with hammers.

..which sounds like
a terrible idea.

Forgot to tell you,
I booked two tickets to this...

Forgot to tell you,
I booked two tickets to this...

If you don't want to come,
I'll find someone else.

All right, I'll come.

I don't have to dress up
like a twat, though, do I?

No.

It would be nice if
just once you could wear a ruff.

I've decided to
take my Shirl on a night out.

Got tickets for
this here Tudor banquet.

Nice.

Yeah, Alan can drive us

so tell him to
stay off the piss Friday afternoon.

Alan.

Oh, and see if
you can get me a ruff.

Ruff.

Right...

While you're here, boss,
there's something I got to tell you.

Oh, yeah?

It's...

sh*t, I'm sorry...
No, no, no, no, it's all right,

you stay there, son. You can say in
front of Patrick. He's board level.

Quavers,
the lad who sh*t the grass...

Yeah, what about him?

He's f*cking absconded from your
cousin's place. Got himself nicked.

Oh, the silly twat.

Has he talked?

Not yet, as far as I know.

Well, we can't take the risk,
though, can we?

He's pissed on his chips.
Where is he?

Ashbury.

Get him gone.

Qua-vers...

I'm going to try
and find a fancy dress shop.

Can you find whatever you need
to make the banner and stuff?

Yep.

Right, so I'll meet you back here
in about an hour?

Oh! While we're in town
we should claim our free kebabs.

What? Leanne, no.

Yeah, why not?

Because you don't know who might
see you - police, g*ng members.

Rhona, free kebab.

Fine, do what you like.

The meat's on those spinny things
for days, you know?

And it's dripping in saturates.

I like satriates.

Ding dong!

Er, hello?

Big changes are coming
in these ends, boys.

We're going to be back in business -
for real this time.

I'm taking Whelan out.
That's happening.

Then, same night, I want you boys
to take out his lieutenants, yeah?

All at the same time.

End of The Godfather sh*t,
you know, Night of The Long Knives,

like we did in history,
where we had to compare sources.

I got their names and addresses.

Nez, you're going to do
Trevor Haynes - goes by One Pack.

Birdseye, you're going to do
John Wilkes.

Kemal, Patrick Daniels.

Remember these names and addresses,
yeah? Then burn this paper.

And there were six of them
in the back room in the kebab shop

and he gave each one of them

the name and address for
the one they're going to k*ll.

I think we should rethink
this whole thing.

But, look, he's a career criminal.

We knew that getting into this

and he's going to do
criminal things.

If he wants to go on a k*lling spree
I'm not going to like it

but I'm certainly not going to
feel responsible for it.

I dunno...

Leanne,
we've been through all this, OK?

We are stuck like this
as long as Whelan's alive.

How often are we going to find
someone willing to voluntarily
knock him off for us?

Look, when all this is over,

we'll make a donation
to the Red Cross, OK?

A three-figure sum.

Now, please, drive us home.

I've bought us some Magnums
and they're going to melt.

Patrick!

Patrick...

Leanne. What the f*ck?
How have you found me?

Patrick, just listen.

Are you out of your mind?
I can't... We can't talk.

I know, I know,
but just please listen.

I know you're back in the g*ng.

I...I dunno
what you're talking about.

The Tudor banquet - it's a trap.

We've teamed up with the Erdem g*ng.

Oh, my God.

Oh, sh*t, Leanne, do not do this.

I can't stop it!

And now the Erdems,
after they k*ll Willy,

they're coming for you. You have
to leave town before tomorrow.

I can't be seen
talking to you. Just go.

Patrick! Just go!

Patrick, mate, what's up?

Um...

Sorry to call late.

Don't worry, mate. What's wrong?
Something on your mind?

It's this Tudor banquet thing...

Yeah?

Um...

Don't go.

Don't go? Why not?

I dunno, I've just...

..just got a bad feeling about it.

I mean, what do we know about it?
Who's running it, you know?

How do we know it's legit?

I dunno, I mean...

OK, the thing is...

I had a dream about it, and...

..my birth mum, you know, she...

..apparently had the gift.

All right.

All right, I'll give a swerve.

Saves me having to wear this f*cking
bollocks anyway, doesn't it?

Shirl!

Shirl, where's them tickets
for the f*cking...thing?

On the dresser!

Yeah. All right, mate, er...

I'm coming to the banquet
tonight, mate,

and I'm just checking,
is there parking, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, no problem.

And, er, you serve alcohol, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Beer, wine, cider, the lot.

Telefondaki kim?

Kimse degil, endiselenme!

All right, then, mate.

Er, well, we'll see you later, then.
Looking forward to it.

What the f*ck was
that f*cking language?

Pakistani, weren't it? Or Welsh.

No, no, no, no, no,
it were f*cking Greek or something.

Turkish.

Yeah?

Er, yeah, I just wondered if you had
any tickets left for this banquet?

Nah, sold out, sorry.

Hello?

Patrick, mate. Your hunch -
f*cking bang on, son.

Yeah? Yeah, we looked into it,
the banquet.

f*cking Erdems are behind it

and I don't think they're planning
on serving me no f*cking goose,
do you know what I mean?

No, I think you must've got
the gift off your old mum.

Anyway, get yourself down here now.
All f*cking hands on deck here.

Yeah? Yeah.

We're going to ambush the ambush
and have a f*cking big bonfire.

This is going to go down in history
as one of the f*cking big moments.

Yeah, um... I'll see you, then.

f*ck yeah.

Evening, all.

I feel like f*cking chicken tonight.

Here he is.

Man of the hour,
Mystic f*cking Meg! Come here.

Ha-ha! You ready for this?

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.

Gentlemen, I have got
a f*cking stiffy right now.

Right, everyone clear
what they're supposed to be doing?

No-one's an hero,
no-one's a dickhead.

Stick to the plans,
we'll be home before closing.

Come on.

Any sign?

Not yet.

This is f*cking it.

No, there's nobody there. It's
probably just a pigeon or something.

That wasn't a pigeon.

There's somebody there.

It's locked. What?

It's Whelan. He knows.

# Alas, my love, you do me wrong

# To cast me off discourteously

# And I have loved you so long

# Delighting in your company

♪ Greensleeves was all my joy... ♪

f*ck!

# Greensleeves was my delight

# Greensleeves was my heart of gold

♪ And who but
my lady Greensleeves? ♪

Look at that.

Work of f*cking art.

Consider yourselves made.
Every single f*cking one of you.

Here, come on,
let's get a f*cking selfie.

Anyone puts this on Facebook,
I'll have his f*cking bollocks.

Oh, look at that, lads!

Sweet justice.

Burn, you f*ckers, burn!

Right, then.

I'm going to treat you all
to f*cking tapas.

# Greensleeves was all my joy

# Greensleeves was my delight

# Greensleeves was my heart of gold

♪ And who but
my lady Greensleeves? ♪