♪
You remember that guy Marcus we
met at Karen's wedding shower?
The one who looks like a
never-aging prince
in an enchanted painting?
Yes!
He wants to hang out
as, like, just friends.
Isn't that cool?
If cool has meant emotionally awkward
all these years, then, yes.
Well, I think it is very cool.
What are we watching?
I don't know, but a lawyer
just rode a horse onto a yacht,
so I'm gonna say Matlock reboot.
Well, Marcus isn't
coming over 'til later.
- Let's do a matinee.
- I don't know.
Come on.
It'll get us out of the apartment and,
we can play fantasy Asian reboot.
We haven't played that in ages.
Well, shake off the rust, my friend,
because you are about to
reboot the Godfather
with an entirely Asian cast. Go.
Michael Corleone: Steven Yeun,
Sonny Corleone: John Cho.
Vito Corleone don't get weird
Michelle Yeoh.
Love it.
I was gonna say Tilda Swinton
for Asian Vito Corleone.
Jen, Tilda Swinton's not Asian.
What?
Well, then, somebody
better tell Hollywood.
Oh! Yeah!
Though, I did think she
was a little bit Asian.
She could be.
Actually, maybe she is.
♪
♪
If I fantasy Asian
rebooted that movie,
Steven Chow would
play Nick Cage, and...
Mo, wait. Our door was wide open.
Hey, yeah, wasn't it
closed when we left?
Yeah, and locked 'cause I'ma
straight A student of life.
Oh my God.
We got robbed!
♪
Okay, this is creepy.
Someone was here.
Someone went through our stuff.
Someone touched our things.
Someone left dirty dishes
on the coffee table.
Okay, those are yours.
I asked you to clean
them up a week ago.
Had to try.
(whispers) What if
someone's still here?
Arm yourself.
♪
Wait, why do we have these?
We don't play these sports.
Don't look a gift horse in the butt.
- Ha!
- Ha!
Hey! My university diploma.
I thought I lost that.
Ha!
Hey, my jazz recorder.
I thought I'd lost this.
I wonder how it got in the fridge.
Yes, I also wonder.
♪ (recorder)
I feel so accomplished holding this.
I think I might start
carrying it around, like,
at parties and stuff.
Well, I feel like I
can't touch anything.
It's like I'm walking
around a crime scene.
Mo, we were supposed
to call the police.
No! Then I'll have to remember
all the "don'ts" my mom
taught me for when
dealing with the law.
Don't stand out too much.
Don't speak to catalogue.
Don't get too tanned.
Hi, how are you? That's great.
Actually, I do. We were robbed!
Corner of Manning and Robinson.
Will do. 'Kay, thanks, bye.
All right, they're
sending someone over.
We're supposed to write down
everything that was taken.
Number one, my innocence.
Oh, Blake Rupert took your
innocence in grade
behind the portable for
remedial students...
(gasps) Which he was.
Just look for what's missing.
Our Moonlight DVD was not taken,
but La La Land was.
This may be a hate crime.
Mo, look! Our change jar's gone.
No! We shouldn't have
so clearly labeled it.
I've had that change jar
since grad school.
There's probably hundreds
of dollars in there.
It was mostly loons and twoons.
I refuse to carry them
around, too jangly.
Everywhere I go I sound like Christmas.
(thuds)
We also do not play these sports.
The Lord works in furious ways.
♪
- Ha!
- Ah!
You know, threatening an
officer with a sporting good
can get you to , right?
We do now.
Do you guys always
answer the door like that?
You came in real hot.
♪
You guys love these
fidgie spinnies, huh?
My son loves these.
He lives with his mom.
Oh, Death Blow.
Bought my kid this for his birthday.
Miss that little guy every day.
Ah, should we be filling
out a report or something?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay.
I should have that. Ah...
Just, yeah.
Ah... just, thanks.
Oh, okay, here in my pocket.
Yeah, let me just check that out, 'Kay.
Let's see, no forced entry.
No real damage.
Looks like you guys were pretty lucky.
I don't see what's lucky
about not being able to
eat or sleep, or connect with
loved ones the same way.
That guy didn't just
break in, he broke us.
Hold up. We keep referring
to the thief as a man.
Oh my God, you're right.
There's no excuse for gender bias.
Thank you for keeping me real.
I'm still here.
I have a theory.
The perp used one of those
James Bond thingies to get
in the front door,
then sat on the couch
to catch their perp-y breath.
Then the perp did what a
perp does best:
rubbed their butt on stuff.
What is a James Bond thing?
Probably rubbed
their butt on the table,
the couch, the fridge,
specific food items...
Then perp'd out the
front door like a real perp.
Wow, you love using the word perp.
I've never really had
an opportunity to use it before,
so I'm definitely gonna go with this.
Let's talk motive.
Good idea.
First, I'm gonna grab
that back real quick.
You shouldn't have that.
They just gave that back to me.
♪
These are all the people I've wronged
in the past hours.
Wow!
What did you do to the
lovely elderly lady
who lives next door?
It's what I didn't do.
Okay, what was actually taken?
Aside from our belief in humanity?
Yes.
Our change jar.
And our La La Land DVD!
A jar of change and a DVD.
Hey, that jar of change
may have contained
hundreds of dollars.
It was mostly loons and twoons.
Yeah, and as women of colour,
we really don't want people
to know that we own La La Land.
Okay!
Yeah, this is Officer Corn
reporting on that - .
Turns out it was nothing.
- Nothing!
- Nothing!
The criminal who was in our home is
out in the streets roaming free.
- What if he comes back?
- Jen!
Sorry. What if he or she comes back?
Jen, gender is fluid.
It's the river that
runs through us all.
Thank you. What if they come back?
What if they did weird sex
stuff inside the apartment?
Nobody did weird sex stuff
in your apartment?
Oh, yeah? Smell the air.
(sniffs) Smell it!
Smells like weird sex stuff to me.
- No, it doesn't.
- Smell this.
Give it a smell. Smell it.
I'm not gonna smell that. I'm not.
Take a whiff; that's eau
de weird sex stuff, pal.
Not gonna take a whiff, okay.
Watch.
This is Officer Corn, can you tell me,
does weird sex stuff have a smell?
Radio: Copy that.
Yeah, MacKeigan says it does.
Says it's like a damp sandalwood.
(sniffs)
Oh, no.
(sniffs)
♪
You know, I bet that
cop would've treated us
differently if we
weren't two women of colour.
Yeah, 'cause if we
were two white women,
our Uggs would've been
stolen and our Keurig,
and the large rubies we
use as paper weights.
My dad bought my mom a
Keurig for Christmas... twice.
And, if we were two dudes,
we would be chugging
brewskies with him right no,
swapping stories about
who's been physically
closer to Wayne Gretzky.
Men have it so easy.
Ooh, not men of colour.
Thank you for keeping me real.
This just gets me
ticked right off, you know.
Oh!
There's just a -year-old
woman aching to get
out of your -year-old body.
(loud knocks)
♪
These sports keep getting weirder.
Beggars can't be losers.
♪
- Ha!
- Ah!
Ah!
♪
Marcus?
- Come on.
- I know; I'm early. Sorry.
I was raised by a single dad
who firmly believes that,
when you arrive on time,
you're already minutes late.
Quick question: Why the
terrifying balaclava?
Well, it was real windy
today and the right gust
can really chap a cheek.
I have a -part skin regime.
Oh, well, it is working.
Ah, God, thanks. (nervous laugh)
Did Las Vegas have a
party in your apartment?
Dude, we were robbed and
we thought you were the thief
returning to the scene of their crime.
Being robbed sucks.
Is there anything I can do?
No, we're fine.
Though, if we could
reschedule that friend date?
Bag of chips would be nice,
any flavour, really.
I was really looking forward
to our day of friendship.
Ketchup, dill pickle.
Flavour from a
flavour contest like ravioli.
Oh, hey!
I have a weird half-cousin who
works for a security company.
Maybe I can get you guys a
deal on an alarm system.
Oh, thank you so much.
We'd really appreciate that.
Very, very grateful.
I'm writing you a thank you
card as soon as you leave.
(laughs)
Mm.
(text chime)
Oh, crap.
(sighs)
Hi, Ma.
Jenny, look what mommy found
while cleaning basement!
Does Jenny want for her apartment?
Ma, if you don't want it, no one does.
Why is Mo cleaning? Mo never cleans.
Actually, we got robbed!
Robbed! Why?
You have nothing of value.
What did Jenny do?
Did you lock the door?
Did you shut the window?
Did you hide away nicest,
most expensive things and
only bring it out
when company is coming?
Ma, this is not our fault!
From now on,
Mommy will call twice a day
to make sure Jenny is alive.
Oh, you don't need to do that.
And Mommy will visit much, much more.
'Kay, sending Daddy over
to check on Jenny's life,
and bring painting!
Mm.
Well, my mom basically said
we were asking to be robbed.
But we didn't do anything wrong.
We saw a Nick Cage movie;
that is pretty wrong.
Mm.
How did someone get in?
Teleportation, transmutation,
crappy locks?
Of course! Mo!
We should have contacted the landlord
directly after the cops.
Ah, you know there's no correct
way to get robbed, right?
Hi Hsu, It's Jennifer Wu
here calling about the
integrity of our locks
seeing as we were robbed!
And, our lease stipulates
you provide us with,
"basic security measures".
Wow, you just knew
right where that was.
Also, last week, I left you
a bunch of messages
about the wall squirrels...
(squirrel squeaks)
They sound like they might be in heat.
♪
(message alert)
Oh, this can't be good.
Hi, Nay.
Jen, Jen.
_
_
You have nothing of value?
_
_
Well, remember, everything
is part of God's plan.
Not everything is
part of God's plan, Nay.
Yes, everything.
What about Limp Bizkit?
Is Limp Bizkit part of God's plan?
_
And sold as sex slaves?
Did you just come from church?
It's the Philippines!
I'm always just coming from church!
Okay, bye.
Cool... cool, cool.
Your Mom told my Mom,
who thinks it's a sex k*ller.
Mo, we haven't been
using our greatest w*apon.
I'll get my crossbow.
No, our minds!
We need a plan so we
know what to do in the
statistically unlikely event
of another home invasion.
Oh, I know exactly what I'd do.
First...
I'd Jiu-Jitsu over to them.
Then, I'd turn the perp into a
tasty little perp in a blanket.
Then I'd give them a taste
of their own perp-y medicine.
♪
I think you're the
perp in that scenario.
I'd get deep...
Show them we are not the enemy.
Find out what it is
that they really need...
And show that we can
actually give it to them.
Taking is not the answer
when you still have
so much to give.
♪
You should play your jazz recorder.
Bet that'd scare them off.
People love a jazz recorder.
Oh my God, I know I do.
(screams)
♪
Son of a Bill Gates, Marcus! Again?!
I mean, you are lovely to look at,
but seriously, again?
Sorry, I lost my bike helmet
last week and
I've been using this as a
replacement ever since.
I just realized it
is very, very scary.
Though, how did you get in?
Oh, the door was unlocked.
Mo, seriously?!
Marcus just strolled right in.
He could have k*lled us.
Oh, no! I couldn't k*ll anybody.
You know, back in grade biology
when they brought out the frog,
I straight up wept.
It's a door, Jen.
If somebody wants to get in,
they're just gonna bust it down.
Well, thank you for
that terrifying truth.
Hey, you know what makes me feel safe,
All your tight beautiful muscles?
Bam!
All right, so, turns out my
weird half-cousin
does not work at the
security company anymore,
but is in fact, gone off the grid.
That is what weird people do.
That, and Pilates.
Well, I'm... It's a pretty
epic fail on my part.
Though, I did get...
Apology chips.
Remorse is my favourite flavour.
Hey, I'm really sorry I
couldn't get you an alarm.
What? You kidding me?
A bag of chips and a
"Beware Dog" sign;
you're a modern-day Sir Gawain.
Who?
th century Middle English
chivalrous fictional character.
Tight.
Honestly, thank you.
Well, what are
just-friends for, right?
So, do you want to
friend hang another time?
(shouts) Yes!
Sorry...
That was a lot louder
than I expected it to be.
Well, there's a really cool
brew pub just north of here
that does late s
trivia on Thursdays.
Today's Thursday.
Right, and you just got robbed...
Not a good time to...
answer questions about Shakira.
(shouts) No, I would love to!
Again, much louder than I thought.
Sorry. But I would love to.
You know, these hips don't lie.
Okay, sweet.
Well, I'll swing by later.
(whispers) Sounds great.
What?
Oh, I'm trying to learn
from my volume mistakes.
(shouts) Sounds great!
Ah...
Ha.
(laughs)
Get my hips ready.
I can move, too. (laughs)
- Bye.
- Bye.
Unh! Ow.
♪
Again, FYI, I don't put on
three coats of mascara
for my just-friends.
- (text chime)
- (gasps)
Ugh, not again.
Hi, Ma!
You sure you don't want
this for your apartment,
since all your things were stolen.
Actually, we didn't lose any
obviously haunted paintings
because we don't own any
obviously haunted paintings.
'Kay, Daddy will bring over
when he checks on your life.
Ma, no!
♪
(screams)
Jen, the plans!
Nothing fills that emptiness but you.
Jiu-Jits Jiu-Jitsu, Jiu-Jitsu!
Agh!
Oh, my eyes, my eyes!
Marcus!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Scream was a big movie in
the late s and
a lot of people wear the
mask to trivia night.
Oh, yeah. The k*ller's name
was Ghost Face,
but I always thought it
would be scarier
if his name was Ghost Knee.
I'm so sorry.
Are you okay? What can I do?
Oh, no, no, no. You've done enough.
I'm gonna go.
I'll see you guys later
if I can regain my vision.
Marcus! Wait!
We can reschedule! I love s trivia!
(groans) (huffs)
Jen, your cleaning is
compulsive and out of control.
Yeah, well, none of us can
really control anything, can we?
I mean, you do everything
right and things still go bad.
People break in; friends you have
amazing sensual chemistry
with go blind.
(laughs)
Oh my God, I think I'm
gonna have a panic att*ck.
(thuds)
If that's Marcus again,
I don't care how great
the sensual tension is;
I'm gonna m*rder k*ll him.
♪
Ha! Hsu?
I'm so glad to see you!
Speaking of which,
we really need a peephole
for this door.
♪
So, as you know, we were robbed.
- No.
- No?
No, you weren't robbed.
I came down to handle
the wall squirrels.
Nobody was here, so I let myself in.
I must have let the door open
when I went to get my...
sonic machine.
It turns squirrels off.
Cool, I'm gonna use it on humans.
Okay, wait.
Why did you trash the place, then?
Are you out of your mind?
This is the way I found it.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a mess.
I still think we need new locks.
_
_
_
There's always hope.
What did he say?
I don't know, but it
sounded meaningful.
So, no new locks.
Hey, hold on.
Our lease says basic
security measures.
Meet my little friend...
Basic security measures.
Oh, you gave us the sports thingies.
No, what about our La La Land
DVD and our change jar?
You're days behind on your rent.
The money in the
change jar equals my rent.
Your La La Land is
somewhere in all of this.
Then it really is lost forever.
So, our change jar had
enough money in it for rent?
Oh! Yeah!
(indistinct speaking)
- Oh! Yeah! Oh!
- Ah!
♪
I haven't felt genuinely
scared since I was a kid.
We're two girls in the big city with
a combined weight of pounds.
- You're being very kind.
- Hey!
Life's gonna get scary sometimes.
But when we thought a sex
k*ller was on the loose,
we had each other's backs.
Plus, now we have sports sticks.
So, yeah, we could live in fear,
but I'd prefer to live in hope.
Maybe that's what Hsu was saying.
Probably not.
(thuds)
♪
Ha!
(sighs) That's the scariest
thing I've seen all day.
There's a ghost in this painting.
- I know.
- I hope she's not r*cist.
We can control the smart
home monitoring system
on our phones?
Sorry, dude, I'm gonna
have to prank you.
Makes me feel like
we're living in space,
or the future, or space in the future.
I wonder if we can program
it to play Michael Jacksons
'Smooth Criminal' if
someone breaks in?
Okay, it's a security system,
not a DJ taking requests.
You know, I still can't
shake the feeling that
a stranger was in here.
Me neither.
Do you smell damp sandalwood?
♪
02x02 - The Break In
"Second Jen" follows two young Asian Canadian women experiencing the ups and downs of being independent after moving out of their parents' homes for the first time.