07x01 - Funkhouser's Crazy Sister

[bunniefuu]

Finally.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

- no good?

- larry! it tastes like you put
the whole salt shaker up in here.

No, that's way too salty.
way too salty.

All right, it's too salty.
i'm sorry.

Pfft, could you make it any hotter
in here, by the way?

- it feels good.

- it feels good?
- Yeah, it feels good. 75? is perfect.

I can't even sleep in this room
at night, it's so hot. honest to god.

- what temperature would you prefer?
- 68?.

- 68??! See, that's some white-people
sh*t right there, l.d.

Black people like it a little bit warmer
at night, okay?

- at least compromise.
- no no no, 75? works for me, l.d.

I'll call leon.
let's see what he says. leon!

- leon, come in here!
- he gonna let you know that
that's how we like it.

Okay, you know,
i can't sleep. it's too hot at night.

I want to sleep in 68? temperature.
She wants to sleep in 75?.

let's compromise at 72?.
Oh no, f*ck that, larry.

you my m*therf*cking man,
larry, but 72?? sh*t.

You might as well sleep outside.
i'm an 82? man myself.

- see there, i told you!
- 82?, that's my sh*t.

that's my f*cking region.
- you really wanted it 68?.

- 6-f*cking-8? he said 68??
- get the f*ck outta here.

- it's like a frigerator.

- oh my goodness.
- you take that sh*t?

- you bring a honey
to the hotel and sh*t...

...get up in that m*therf*cker.
it's all cold and sh*t-- got to heat her ass up.

All right now, you make sure you do your
homework before you watch that tv.

- hey, hi!
- hey, larry.

- hey, i got some shows tivo'd.
don't erase them.

They erase
all my tivo'd shows.

You know what, larry? there's been
another robbery in this neighborhood.

I was just talking to the neighbors.
it's the third one this month.

What are you talking
to the neighbors for?

They came over and let me
know what's going on.

You don't need to talk
to the neighbors, okay?

Yeah, but, larry,
there's been a robbery.

I'd rather have the thieves than
the neighbors-- thieves don't impose.

what are you talking about?

the neighbors want your time.
The thieves want your things.

i'd rather give them
things than time.

Listen, have you heard anything
from the doctor about loretta's biopsy?

No no, they said
a couple of days.

Oh. you know, at first i was
really worried, larry.

But no matter
what the outcome is,

loretta has you by her side.

You know, things could get bad, larry,
but she's got you to hold her hand.

And if she has to do chemo
and it causes her to lose her hair,

Throw up and all that, you gonna be
right there by her side.

Thank you, larry.

75?? i'm baking
in that room at night.

It's like i'm cinderella
in there, i swear to you.

cinderella? what do you mean?

cinderella, you never saw
the fairy tale cinderella?

No no, i know cinderella. but what aspect
of cinderella? what do you mean?

- what aspect
do you think i mean?

- i don't know. the shoe?
- she gets bossed around by the stepmother!

- i'm comparing me--
- don't get mad at me!

- don't get mad at me.
- well, you're so stupid!

- don't get mad at me.

So that's what it's like, huh? that's terrible.
That's what it's like. exactly.

- that's what it's like.
- oh, that's horrible.

- you know what? you know what the worst part is?
- what?

we're waiting for the results.

I got about 24 hours to get out of this thing
before the results come back.

Yeah, you can't break up
with somebody who's got cancer.

you gotta break up with her before she gets
those test results.

god, it's gonna be so hard.

- why? what's the big deal?
- what do you mean "what's the big deal?"

The whole family's gotta
move out-- it's a big deal!

I'd much rather be in her position than mine
any day of the week.

No, to be the breaker-upper
you're in control.

Couples should have like
a pre-breakup agreement

Before they start going out
because every relationship is
going to end at some point.

All you do is send a text.
you make an agreement--

"if you see the word 'apricot,'
it means it's over."

Okay, hypothetically,

what if you or she are
eating apricots at that point?

Can I tell you something about apricots?

You know, one in 30 is a good one.

It's such a low-percentage fruit.

Always a mealy dry...

Hey, how's it going?

- Hi, Lar.
- Oh, hey.

Want to come to a dinner party tonight?

- Tonight?
- Yeah.

You know you love my cooking.

It's a little late for
an invitation, is it not?

- Well... it's an invitation nonetheless.
- Who else is gonna be there?

- Uh, eh, you don't need to know.
- Why not?

- Because it's not done, that's why not.
- What do you mean it's not done?

It's a social convention

that people don't ask who's going
to be there at the dinner party.

It's just not done.

- Big deal. Why isn't it done?
- Because it isn't!

I don't know the derivation of the convention.

Why are you following
it blindly like this?

You should be glad that
it happens that way,

because if I told people you were
coming, they might not show up.

That's probably why people don't tell...

Because if it gets out who's
coming nobody would want to go.

So why even have it in the first place
if people don't want to be with each other?

I don't think that's
why. It's just not done.

What's the downside of telling me?

I don't know that there is
a downside, except that...

- You don't need to know.
- Who's coming?

- Don't you dare tell him.
- What's that?

- Who's coming?
- I don't know.

Why do you even get started with her
on this stuff? That's my question.

- What time?
- 7:30.

You've got something to do.
You'd better go do it.

Not now, maybe tonight.

- Thank you. See you later.
- Can't wait to see ya!

- You take care of yourself, all right?
- Thank you, doctor.

You're welcome.

We still don't know anything.

Oh sh**t! I forgot... I
gotta feed those fish again.

It's like a huge
responsibility... Feeding fish.

It's not fun. Think about it, you know?

I'm outside, i gotta
go home and feed fish?

I mean, seriously, who gives a sh*t?

Mr. david, i wanted to talk
to you about your girlfriend.

You know, they're not pets, really.

But yet it's the same
responsibility as a pet.

But you get nothing back.
you watch them.

Is that supposed
to be fascinating?

I don't know.

- can i talk to you about loretta?
- what do you think?

do you think she has--

Think she has cancer?

I-- i can't speculate
about that right now.

We did a biopsy
at the hospital and--

Let me ask you a question:

Say you had to make a bet
with vegas on this,

Would you bet for cancer
or against cancer?

I-- i-- i don't get
into that numbers game.

- You must have an idea.
- I don't.

- No idea?
- No idea.

What is this thing?
I've had this a while.

What is that?

It's just a skin tag. Just
put a little lotion on there.

But... Hold on a sec.

I'm gonna write you a few
prescriptions to fill out.

I'm gonna prescribe zithromax
and tylenol with codeine.

Now the tylenol, that's
just as needed for pain.

Again, in a few days... any day,

we'll have the biopsy back and that will

help us determine what the next step is.

But right now, I want
you to just stay calm,

and... What's wrong?

You just go into the refrigerator
without asking?

I just got myself a lemonade. Is that a...

I was just surprised you didn't ask.

I'm surprised you didn't offer, to be honest.

- Well, I was about to offer.
- I don't think you we about to offer...

Well, I was gonna offer...

It is a little unusual

to go into someone's refrigerator
without asking, is it not?

I can tell when somebody's gonna offer me
lemonade.

You were not going to offer me lemonade.
If anything, you were going to complain

to me about being a fish
owner or something.

It is difficult to be a fish owner.

Why is that a priority?!
Your girlfriend is sick.

I didn't say it's a priority. I
just said that they need to be fed and

it's something that I need to think about.

You do not need to think about that.

What you need to think about
is the sick woman upstairs.

I'm thinking about that. And by
the way, why couldn't you ask?

Are you so dainty you can't say
"May I please have a glass of water?"

"May I have a piece of pie?" It could
be tuna fish... It doesn't matter.

- No, it does matter.
- Here, you want? Take... Take this.

You don't offer... a hot
day... a mover comes here...

.. you say, "you want some tuna fish?"

- You want this little pear?
- Don't condescend to me
with your tiny pear.

I'm not the one that has a
problem here. You are, my friend.

- You are.
- Yeah.

- okay, fine.
- yeah, fine.

- hey, dr. schaffer.
- hello.

- Did you see that? Did you see that guy?
- What was that whole thing?

He goes in my refrigerator.
Come on, you don't do that.

- what did he take?
- lemonade.

liquids are okay.

I don't believe that people
should go into my refrigerator.

- what kind of a stupid rule this that?
- what do you mean?

I don't go into other
people's refrigerators.

- You could go into my refrigerator.
- I don't go into your refrigerator.

you're a welcome guest.

Hey, how's your sister, by the way?

- bam bam?
- yeah.

Thanks for asking.
she's doing a lot better.

Yeah. i'm really glad we took
her out of that mental institution

- that's good.
- yeah, i'm excited.

You know, if there's
anything i can do--

You let me know.

You know what?
there is something you can do.

- what?
- yeah

you can come over today at
1:00 and visit with her.

- visit her? what, are you kidding?
- yeah.

- why, you didn't mean it?
- of course not!

- Why did you say it then?
- You know, it was some--

an empty gesture.
it was something to say.

guess what: You said it.
be there at 1:00.

But one thing-- when you
go in the house,

Look at her shoes before
she calls your name.

Don't look at her in the eyes.
She'd love to see you.

Oh, christ.

I don't know how you take
a statement like that seriously.

But you said it and
you're gonna stick to it.

- and make her feel good!
- all right.

I'll see you
at jeff's tonight.

What's at jeff's?

Oh, he's, um, having a little..

Dinner party.

I guess i wasn't invited.

I can't believe that.

Why don't you make sure
before you ask somebody...

"Am i gonna see you tonight?"

- that they were invited?
- i just assumed you were going.

don't assume anything.
if they had told me

Who was coming to the party,
i would have known

- and i wouldn't have asked, but they refused to tell me.
- it's not your job

To find out
who's going to a party.

All i want you to do is
entertain my sister for two hours

And then you can goto your godd.

- she better not be dangerous.
- be there at 1:00, okay?

I gotta sit in a room
with that nut?

- you look good.
- you do.

Thank you.

Thank you, jeff.

And i appreciate
the effort, larry.

- no effort.
- no, it was effortless.

Okay, then we're all happy.

So what's new?

So what's happening?

Guess who told marty to shut up.
why, what did he say?

- i give up.
- who?

- He didn't tell you?
- No, no.

She's great--
a great actress.

- angelina jolie?
- no!

You know who i mean.
she's an actress.

She said shut up
right to marty.

- nicole kidman?
- no!

- julia roberts?
- no!

She's a multi--
multi-talented.

Oh, i know, i know!
hannah montana.

no, you're not even trying!

- the kardashians!
- what? no!

you know who it is!

- do you have any idea?
- no.

Yeah, you do.

- Got anything to eat?
- No.

- anything to drink?
- nope.

- nothing to eat or drink?
- nope. i'm sorry, nothing.

- boy, that's interesting.
- I know. really.

- isn't it?
- It is.

- i'm gonna go to the bathroom.
- I was gonna go to the bathroom.

- I just said i'm going to the bathroom.
- but i'm saying, could i go first?

- no no, i'm going first.
- so when you come back, i'm gonna go.

- Yes.
- Okay.

You had sex with
a mental patient!

- she's not a mental patient.
- she's a mental patient.

- she's living at funkhouser's.
- she's a mental patient.

If i went over to the institution and f*cked her, then she's a mental patient.

What happened?
i got up to go to the bathroom.

I was sitting there
and she said, "i'm bored."

I said, "if there's
anything i can do"--

- you said that?
- that's it.

- an empty gesture?
- an empty gesture.

- that's how this whole thing started.
- that's how it started

and then i'm off banging her.

You can't make an empty
gesture to a funkhouser.

They take you up on it.

How come you don't
have a doorbell?

You know what you did?

- you totally f*cked me.
- what?

- you f*cked me.
- what are you talking about?

what'd you tell funkhouser
about the party for?

- Pfft, oh, why? he said something?
- Yeah, he said something.

he called to complain he
wasn't invited and susie invited him.

oh, that is so lame!
you know that?

that is so lame to call up and do that.

and guess what else they did?
They brought bam bam.

bam bam's here!

he brought that f*cking
nutbag into my house!

oh my god.

what the f*ck did you
go and tell him for?

If you had told me who was coming
to the party in the first place,

I never would have said anything to
him because i would have known he
wasn't coming.

It's crazy-- all these party rules:
you can't tell who you're inviting,

You can't tell anybody you're going
And you can't talk about it after.

It's like living in
east germany or something.

Now i'm screwed.
just look at this. this is crazy.

- what is that? is that dr. schaffer?
what's he doing here?

He had a party recently. he invited us.
we're returning the favor.

what's the big deal?

- Again.
- again what?

if i had known that he was gonna
be here, i wouldn't have come.

if i had known bam bam was gonna
be here, I would have left town!

- who's that guy with the doctor?
- that's his boyfriend.

- what, seriously?
- yeah, he's gay.

- oh my god, i didn't know that.
- yeah, listen, i gotta go help susie.

- hey, how you doing?
hi, mr. david, how are you?

- this is sam.
- hi. it's good to meet you.

i didn't know you were gay.

Uh, yeah.

- is that a surprise to you?
- Yeah, i'm a little surprised, yeah.

Why?

i don't know. i just
didn't think you were gay.

- what is that supposed to mean?
- It doesn't mean anything.

it means i was surprised
to discover that he's gay.

but why?
how would i seem if i was gay?

what is seeming gay?

you seem slightly
gay and you don't.

so i wouldn't be surprised
if somebody told me--

but i'm surprised
that somebody tells me
you're gay.

- is that a crime?
- no, it's not a crime.

it's just odd. it's not a crime.

and it's a little bit offensive.
i'm sorry if you're offended.

i don't accept your apology 'cause i don't believe that you are sorry.

How about if i said
i'm pleasantly surprised?

- You're living in another decade, mr. david.
- i don't think i am.

- well, i think you are.
- all right, fine.

fine, we disagree.

- okay, we'll agree to disagree.
- All right, great.

Unbelievable.

What did you do with bam bam?

- What? nothing. what do you mean?
- When you came over to the house.

- i didn't do anything.
- It's like a miracle.

I've never seen
her spirits like this.

I mean, the medicine and your visit-- she's a different person.

That is fantastic! What great news.

I... You shouldn't be
giving me any of the credit.

This is the man... Come here, come here.

- What?
- He says Bam Bam is...

- ...is like a new person.
- How about that? That's great.

- Were you there too?
- Yeah.

No wonder she was singing
"I love the fat boy."

- I couldn't figure it out.
- I love the fat boy.

It's great.

I can't thank you guys enough!

- What did you do?
- We just sat and talked with her.

- Did you play any games?
- No games, uh-huh.

- Did you play a million pick-up sticks?
- No.

The key to the whole thing? You treat
them normal and they really respond.

I love both of you and you gotta
promise me you'll do it again.

- If we have time.
- It's possible.

Oh no, you gotta promise.

- We'll see.
- Just say you'll go over there.

Dinner is served!

- Let's go have some dinner.
- Thank you so much!

Susie, these ingredients are
very fresh and well prepared.

Oh, thank you, Bam Bam.
That's so sweet of you.

I'm so glad you were able to join us.

I'm so glad you still have food

in your fridge considering Larry's around.

What is that? What do you mean?

Larry likes to clean out fridges
like he did today at Marty's house.

You were into our fridge uninvited, right?

That's ridiculous.

Oh? Then might you explain the whereabouts
of the freshly-sliced deli-packaged turkey...

I don't even eat turkey.

...the yellow mustard in a glass
jar. And the lemonade soda?

Oh, lemonade? So you're a hypocrite too?

Because I had lemonade at your house

and you threw... a sh*t fit.

She's emotionally unstable. Are you
gonna believe a word this woman says?

You know, I don't mind if you take liquid,
but when you take regular food,

- I have a problem.
- I didn't take anything! That's crazy.

Speak the truth. Help him with
the truth, would you, Jeff?

I wouldn't know. I actually
wasn't there in the kitchen.

You were... You were... Oh no, you
weren't. I know where you were!

- You were in bed with me.
- What?

What did you say? What the f*ck is she
talking about Jeff? What the hell did you do?

- Oh, I did nothing.
- He didn't do anything.

Did you take advantage of
this poor deranged girl?

You are sick!

That's disgusting.

What did you do now? You sick f*cking pervert.

You're... You're serving nothing
but lies here. I'm not hungry.

What did you do to her, Jeffrey?

- How could you do that?
- She's f*cking nuts! She's a nutbag!

- She's a nutbag. I did not do anything.
- He's gonna sleep with a mental patient?

All right, all right, all right! I believe you!

Even Bam Bam is not crazy
enough to sleep with you, okay?

Only I am.

There you go.

That's exactly... That's exactly right. Of course.

Okay, everybody, everybody,

I want to apologize for
the Funkhouser family.

Oh, stop. It's not necessary.

I'm going to have to take
her back to the institution.

I'm gonna tell you something: I
think it would be good for her.

And you're doing it for her
own safety, for her own good.

- No, I'm not so certain.
- No, it's good.

It's a great thing, because you've
gotta think of the long haul.

Let's enjoy our dinner.
I'm sorry this happened.

- The best salad anybody ever made.
- Thank you, sweetheart.

Hello?

What? Hold on, hey, what?

Oh, okay.

All right, I'll go pick it
up. No, I'll leave right now.

- You're leaving?
- I'm so sorry.

I have to go. I have to
pick up Loretta's medication.

- You didn't give it to her yet?
- No, I've gotta get it from the pharmacy.

You're leaving, I haven't served
the entree yet.

It's sad because I'm having so much fun
here, and then... and I gotta go and...

- Maybe I'll come back.
- No, don't bother coming back.

Go go go!

I got the prescription, Auntie Rae.
I'm just gonna get some food to go.

- Could you do me a favor?
- What?

Could you go...

up to Loretta and ask her what
the name of that restaurant was

- we ate in in Santa Monica a few weeks ago?
- No.

- Why not?
- Because she's resting.

- Is she sleeping?
- No.

- Can she talk?
- Yes.

So let her talk.

No. I don't want her
talking. I want her resting.

Resting? What does resting even mean?

She's not sleeping, is
she? You can talk and rest.

Larry, I am not gonna bother Loretta
with this bullshit. Do you hear me?

She resting. Bye.

Oh, hi, Mr. David. Nice to see you.

I'd like some food to go.

Oh, I just sat your party.

- Party?
- Yeah, you had a reservation.

I have a reservation? Let me see.

"Larry David, 2."

My God.

Thank you.

Well well.

Hi, hello.

Larry.

My man. How's it going, brother?

- Pretty good.
- Give me some.

All right. What, are you using
my name to get a table in here?

Well, it's so crowded.
I just thought you'd...

- ...have a better chance.
- really?

You want to join us?

- You could eat with us.
- Are you sure? Really?

- Please. Sit down.
- I miss you.

You sure?

- Great.
- Oh, by the way,

I put you up for an
N.A.A.C.P. image award.

Yeah?

Fingers crossed, baby.
I think you'll win.

- Oh, thank you.
- How is Loretta?

Oh, she's... she's... yeah.
Yeah?

Yeah, she's good.

How's the no-fly underwear guy?

Um, it's not happening.

It didn't work out.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Maybe Larry's people can hook
you up with somebody.

You know Lil Wayne? You know Lil Wayne.

Oh, like this. Yeah.

I can't... I can't read my... menu.

- It's so dark in here.
- It's so dark. I honestly have...

This is insane. How do they
expect people to read this menu?

I've got a candle here and I can't
read it. I'm gonna go outside.

Oh yeah, I'm gonna go outside. I'll go out with you.

Larry, what you putting on your hair? I like that.

Posner.

You learning, Larry.
Hang in there, baby.

Oh, look, the Caesar salad.

- Caesar salad.
- You used to get that.

That's very good here.

- Right. With the 200 croutons.
- A lot of croutons.

- There were a lot of croutons.
- Ton of croutons.

I can't believe I'm
sitting here with you.

- It's weird.
- It's crazy.

Isn't it?

I really miss you.

I miss you too.

- You do?
- Well...

kind of.

I mean, I do, I do. It's just
what was happening

was not working for me.

It just wasn't... I don't know.

It got to this place where you were
always at the house

and you didn't have anything to do

and you... it was just different. Like
when you were working on "Seinfeld,"

You had a job and you'd get up

and you'd go, like, do something
with other people.

And then you'd come home And it was like
that was the right amount of Larry.

I understand. Too much Larry, I get that.

We can reduce Larry in half.

We can reduce Larry to a third. We can
reduce Larry to three hours a day.

That's...

- Slivers of Larry is better.
- I get that.

I've got 24-hour Larry,
you think I like it?

- Hello?
- Larry, Dr. Schaffer just called.

He's on his way over to the house right
now. He's got the results of the biopsy.

He's coming over to the house right now?

I'm on my way!

- Is everything okay?
- Uh, yeah. I gotta go.

- Is it an emergency?
- Yeah, I gotta go. I'll talk to you.

I gotta go get out of something.

sh*t, damn it!

Come on, schmohawk.

Larry!

- Oh my God.
- What took you so long?

Never mind. Apology
accepted. Now call Marty.

- Bam bam...
- Call Marty.
- I'll go in the house...

Just tell me, you lied, right?

You lied, Jeff enjoyed.

Dirty God...

Don't look at them, Larry.
Don't get eye contact.

Go! Go! Go!

- Nice!
- Oh my God.

- Oh my God.
- Only call Marty.

- What? Yeah, I am.
- Call Marty.

- I gotta get in there, bam bam.
- No... Ow! Call him.

Get your cell out.

Bammer, what are you doing here?

Tell him Jeff said I was in the top 10!

- Tell him.
- Stop it. Calm down.

Tell Marty Jeff enjoyed me.

You should not have left the house.

Folks, we had a report of a
break-in. Did you see anything?

Okay, she'll give you a statement.
I've gotta get in the house.

I'll take your statement now.

No, she can't give you a statement.
She's not qualified to make a statement.

- She's crazy.
- What?! No, she's not crazy.

Yeah, after what she said at
dinner tonight, she's crazy.

- Oh no no, she...
- I'm taking her back to the home.

I'm taking her back.

If she can't give one, I'll need a
statement from you. Have a good night.

Sir, did you see a vehicle? Was it individuals

What happened? What exactly did you see?

Sir, your attention here,
sir, if you would, please.

All right, well, I saw a guy jump over a
hedge across the street. He had a...

Oh, the doctor's coming. Larry.

Folks, I wish that I
had better news for you.

The biopsy came back
positive for cancer.

Now...

- Oh, Larry, Larry!
- Are you with me?

Come on, Larry, come on.

Okay, all right.

I know this can be very upsetting.

- Dr. Schaffer, can I go in and see her?
- Yes.

It's gonna be okay.

Now...

This is really where
the hard work starts.

She's gonna need a lot of
help. There's a lot of vitamins,

a lot of medicines that she's gonna
need. Organic juices three times a day.

I would keep the house warmer.

Keep it at about 78? to 82? minimum.

The warmer the better, really.
That helps with the healing process.

I know this is a lot to take
in, but if you guys work hard,

especially you,

in two, three, maybe four years,
she's hopefully gonna be fine.

- Did you say four years?
- Could be, yeah.

And your life is mostly going to be taking her
to appointments or here with her in the house.

I... I can still play golf.

Absolutely not. I don't imagine
you'd have time for that.

Once a week?

No times a week. You won't have time for that.

- What? Nine holes.
- Zero holes, Mr. David!

This is serious. Now

I won't lie... things are going to get ugly.

There's going to be vomiting. There's
going to be incontinence, depression,

unsightly hair loss, weight
loss. She'll be irritable.

Lots of massive mood swings.
She could get violent.

hysteria, incontinence...
Have I already said that?