07x09 - Cologne Ranger

[bunniefuu]

This is messed up.

Telling us we're
going to Cooper's,

then dragging us
to the mall.

We're going
to Cooper's, okay?

As soon I get Carrie
her anniversary present.

You should get her
a massaging foot soaker.

I got one,
and mine feel like butter.

Okay, thanks for ruining
butter for me.

Come on. Do you have any idea
what you're gonna get her?

I know exactly
what I'm getting her.

She actually circled
the earrings in this ad.

Then she sketched out
a map of the mall

so I don't get lost.

Look, see the "X"
at Cinnabon there?

"You are probably here. "

Fredrico DeMali?

No. Doug Heffernan.

Oh, no. I was asking
if you'd like to try

our new
Fredrico DeMali cologne.

Oh. No. No, thanks.

I'm good with
my Midnight Steel.

Midnight Steel?

Isn't that kind of ' s?

Actually, ' s.

Come on, try it.
I mean, you wouldn't

still wear the clothes

you wore in the ' s,
would you?

All right, yeah.
I'll take a blast. Sure.

Wow!
That smells awesome.

Goes great with your
body chemistry. Really?

She's right.
That's a winner.

Oh, my God.
You smell yummy.

Okay, I'll take
the biggest bottle you have.

Oh!
Ten of clubs.

Miracle card. Gin!

That's bucks you owe me.

I know. You don't have to
rub my face in it.

Douglas, he's rubbing it
in my face again.

Hey, don't know
what it is,

but I hope I'm upstairs
before the rubbing starts.

Okay. One more game,
double or nothing.

Why can't you
get that through

that pineapple-shaped
head of yours?!

Okay, you know what?

When you win,
I pay right away,

and when I win, you don't pay,
and you insult my head.

Are you insinuating
I'm not good for the money?

No, I'm not insinuating.
You don't pay.

Then you are
insinuating it.

Hey, there,
lucky lady.

Hey, honey. I was thinking
for our anniversary,

we should go to Chez Henri.

It's this really romantic
French restaurant.

Or we do a bunch
of Jell-O sh*ts

and bowl drunk.

We did that
for my birthday.

Come on, baby.
Do it for me.

All right. okay.

All right. All right.
Oh, great. Thank you.

Okay.

Eww.

What is that smell?

Oh, I was
at the mall today,

and I treated myself
to a new cologne.

Fredrico DeMali.

Gotta be honest
with you, honey.

That one's rough.

No, no. You just
gotta get in there.

Yeah, I was in there, okay?

Now, Midnight Steel. Now,
that's your scent, honey.

All right,
for our anniversary,

I think you should wear
the blue suit.

The brown one's nice,

but it still has
grass stains on it.

How did you do that again?

Okay, you know what?
For the last time,

I was at that funeral,
and a softball game broke out.

It happens.
All right.

What are you doing, hon?

I want you to get
the full effect.

Just let it mix
with my body chemistry.

And I already told you
that cologne:

swing and a miss.

That's not what
other people say.

What other people?

Oh, Deacon and Danny, and,

oh, well, this girl at the mall
said I smelled yummy.

Well, I don't care

what some skank
at the mall thinks, okay?

You don't wear cologne
for other women.

You wear it for me.
That's why I have you wear

Midnight Steel,
because I like it.

All right, so take
the cologne back to the mall

and get your money back.
Okay, babe? Thanks.

Ah, Spencer.

Oh, Arthur. What did you
want me to come down here for?

You said you want me
to pay you back,

so I'm paying you back.

Where's my money?

I'm not paying you in money.

That's crass.

I'm paying you with
the magical bliss

that is American cinema.

Arthur, I'd rather
have my money.

Well, I'd rather be
drinking mai tais

with the Lennon Sisters,
but that ain't gonna happen.

Now follow me.

Wait, Arthur, the entrance
is right here.

That's
the sucker's way in.

Arthur,
I'm not doing this.

It's illegal.
It's stealing.

It's not stealing.

They build this into the price,
like shoplifting.

What if we get caught?

Oh, sprout some figs,
will you?

Let's do it.

Okay, as soon
as the usher's gone,

we'll grab our seats.

So there's no confusion,
I'm an aisle man.

Yeah, whatever.

Okay, let's do it.

Hey.

What's up, Crime Dawg?

How come you never
do that for me?

Huh?
You know, nicknames.

Crime Dawg, Doug Town,
D- Unit.

How come you never
do it for me?

What do you
wanna be called?

Well, I'm not supposed
to come up with it.

You're supposed to
come up with it.

I don't wanna
come up with it.

Well, why not?
You do it for him.

Just come up with
a nickname for me.

How about Whiny Beyotch?

Thank you.

Here's your hot wings.

Oh. Cool.

Hm.
Hey, what happened

to that great cologne
you had on yesterday?

Oh, I, uh,
decided not to wear it today.

I went back to my old
Midnight Steel.

Oh, yeah.
My dad wears that.

You're not wearing
the DeMali anymore?

No. You know what?
Carrie didn't like it.

Well, if the scent's
up for grabs, I'll take it.

It's all yours, man.
Enjoy.

Ha. Boy,

when I was married
we had our own troubles,

but my wife never
told me how to smell.

No, she was too busy
taking "naps" with the gardener.

She wasn't taking "naps" with
the gardener, all right?

She was taking "naps"
with the landscaper.

The gardener was the lookout.

Anyway, I'm sorry
Carrie banned DeMali from you,

but, hey,
your loss is my gain.

And he wasn't
just a landscaper.

He was also
a licensed contractor.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa,
back it up here.

She doesn't ban me from things,
okay? I decide.

Okay, so one day,
you woke up

and decided to throw out
your PlayStation?

No, that was Carrie,
but she was right.

I was headed for some serious
thumb trouble.

Oh. Well, how about
the football pool,

the go-cart, and your,
uh, red cowboy boots?

I loved those boots.

And you loved
your mustache.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.
Little by little,

she's been
taking over my world.

It's not really
little by little.

It's more like
big, decisive chunks.

How long have you guys
known this was going on?

I guess it's been about,
uh,

years this Friday.

Well, let me tell you both
something. Okay?

It ends here.
I'm sorry, man,

but I'm taking
my scent back.

And I'm going home right now
to take my life back.

Right after
I finish my wings.

You and I have to have
a little talk.

Yes, we do, Doug.
Do you know what I found

in your pants pocket
in the hamper today?

The car insurance
payment

that I asked you
to mail three weeks ago.

Now, tomorrow at work,
I'm gonna have to

spend my entire
lunch hour on the phone

with the insurance company
to straighten this out.

I will mail out all the bills
from now on. Okay?

As a matter of fact,
don't touch the mail

at all ever. Okay?

You can run,
but you cannot hide.

All right,
I'm headed out,

and I will pick up your suit
from the dry cleaners, okay?

Mm. Wow, great.
Sounds like I'm gonna be

the sharpest-dressed guy
at Chez Henri.

You know,
in my weight class.

All right, I'm late.
I gotta go. Love you.

Man, I can't believe you
stood up to Carrie like that.

I didn't think
you had it in you.

Oh, I got it in me
and on me.

I am DeMali-licious.

So she wasn't even mad?

I didn't give her
a chance to get mad.

I said, "I'm wearing
the cologne,

and deal with it, woman. "

So, what's next?

You gonna bring back
those red cowboy boots?

Hey, I want 'em back,
they're back.

My feet, my rules.

Here you go.

Mm, mm.
These wings smell good.

Not half as good as you.

Well, in about two minutes,
I'm gonna smell like both.

What's the usher doing?

He's groping an old lady.

No.
He's helping her to a seat.

So is this
instead of paying me

the money you borrowed?

He takes the price
of the ticket off of your tab.

Oh, no, no. Arthur, I'm low
on rent. I need cash.

Well, bring
your landlord down,

and you can pay off
your rent in movies.

No. He won't take
anything but cash.

Trust me.

That usher keeps
staring at us.

He's staring at you
because your head

is shaped
like a pineapple.

My-

My head is not shaped
like a pineapple.

If anything, it's shaped
like a honeydew.

Oh, you wish.

I'm gonna go to the concession
stand and get some candy.

No need. A. Spooner
is open for business.

You expect me
to buy candy from you?

No,
you don't actually buy it.

He just knocks the price
off your tab.

Milk Duds, please.

Excuse me.
Evening, my good sir.

How goes the ushering?

Fine.
Listen, I don't recall

seeing you three come in.

We like to keep
a low profile.

We're celebrities.

Enjoy the show.

Hey, babe.

Hey.

Wow. That's a nice pen
over here.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, real nice. I like it.

Well, good.
You can keep it.

Cool.

Hey, babe,
why don't you come over here

and read the sports section?

Sounds good.
Just, uh,

gonna grab a snack first.
Just getting a snack.

Mm. So good.

Oh, Doug?

Yeah?

Don't forget to rub some
peanut butter on your wrists.

I like peanut butter.

I can't believe you.

Sneaking around,
wearing the cologne

that I specifically
asked you not to wear.

I only wore it
when you wouldn't be around,

and then when I came home,
I washed it off,

and I put on
the stuff you liked.

I mean,
it never affected you.

Oh, I see.
So if I went out

and had an affair,
that'd be okay,

as long as
I washed afterwards?

Absolutely. I assumed you've
been doing that for years.

Doug,
this is not funny.

Oh, come on.

I know you want me to feel bad
about this, but I don't.

Okay, you control every aspect
of my life,

and I'm sick of it.

What? That's ridiculous.

No, it isn't, Carrie.
You tell me what to wear,

uh, what I can eat,
what presents to get for you,

even what I say.

That is not true.
Oh, no?

Then why aren't I allowed
to say the expression,

"for all intensive
purposes," hm?

Because it's "intents
and purposes," moron.

Look, Doug, come-

Honey, listen to me.

I know you like
the cologne,

but I asked you not to wear it
out of respect for me,

because that's what
respect.

I'm the one
who has to sacrifice.

That's what it feels like.

That's not true.

How about when we first met?
Huh?

I had a certain look
that men found attractive.

Slutty?

That was the look, yes.

Point is, you told me
it made you insecure,

so I gave it up.

You should've given it up.

You looked like
a Van Halen groupie.

And you used
so much hair spray,

we couldn't light a match
for a week. It was like-

The point is, Doug,
I stopped for you.

You know what? I like this
cologne, and I'm taking a stand.

Oh, this is where
you're gonna take a stand,

on how you smell?

How about taking a stand on
securing our financial future,

or finally getting healthy
so you can live past ?

Nah,
sticking with smell.

Okay, you know what, Doug?
You're right.

We shouldn't
control each other.

You know, tomorrow night
is our th anniversary,

and I am going to have
dinner at Chez Henri,

and you don't
even need to show up.

Oh. Oh, believe me,
I'm showing up.

Five of those years
are mine.

And you know what?
For all intensive purposes,

this conversation,
she's over.

Hey. Hey!
Ahh!

Aah!

Um, I'll take
the Sour Patch Kids.

Okay, cross $
off my tab, please.

Yesterday these were $ .

All right, fine.
Four dollars. Gosh.

Okay, they're dimming
the lights.

Usher's making
his last pass through.

Well, well, well.
What have we here?

They made me do it.
He made us do it.

I just wanted
my rent money.

Let me ask you,
what tipped you off?

I smelled that cologne.

Oh, good going,
Arthur.

It smells good.
What is that?

If I scored you a bottle,

would you let me
skate on this one?

Good evening, sir.

Hi. Heffernan,
party of two.

Mm-hm.
My wife's coming from work,

so she'll be here
in a couple minutes.

Right this way.

I see you
noticing the boots.

Heh, heh. Yes.

Yeah. It's gonna make
a little statement,

you know?
Show the wife who's boss.

How delightful.
Yes.

Okay.

Ahem. Thank you.
Yes.

You look nice.

Yeah, you know what?
I feel nice.

Kind of takes me back
to when we first met.

Right. It's like
a stroll down memory lane.

Yeah-

Oh.
I see you found them.

Yes, I did.

By the way, there's
a dead squirrel in the attic.

Good to know.

Oh, you know what?

I feel like I'm losing
a little height here.

Ahem. I'll just go ahead
and fix that right now.

Carrie, don't you do that.

I will do it.

And don't you control me,
Doug. Heh.

Okay. You want
to play it that way?

Yeah.
You know what?

Feeling a little low
on DeMali.

Don't be ridiculous.
Oh, is that ridiculous?

Yeah.
Mm-mm-mm-mm. Mm.

Oh, really? Okay.

Oh, please.
Please don't do this.

I'll do it.
Stop yourself.

Yeah, look at that, huh?

Ooh, your menu's stinky.
Stop being ridiculous.

Aah! Ow!

Aah.

What are we
doing here, Doug?

I can't see.

Honey, look,

I'm sorry if I
come off controlling,

it's just because
I love you,

and I just want
what's best for you.

I love you too.
I'm sorry, Car.

How about this?

If I go back
to my old cologne,

can I get
my PlayStation back?

Will the boots
go back in the attic?

Soon as you
get rid of the squirrel.

Deal.

Okay.

Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary.
I love you.

Let's just
have a nice meal.

Okay.

I'm afraid I'm going
to have to ask you to leave.

Yeah, saw it coming. Okay. Okay.

All right. Sorry about that. Yeah.

Ah.

Here you go, sir.

I'll take that
when you're ready.

So have you
enjoyed your dinner?

Oh, it was fabulous,
Arthur.

Best meal I ever had.

It's the least I can do
after letting you two

take the fall
at the movie theater.

Well, this more
than makes up for it.

As far as I'm concerned,
we are even.

Yeah,
your slate is clean.

Good.

Now every man for himself.