08x14 - Apartment Complex

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my god. Whoa.
That could've been ugly.

Arthur, get up.

I need the couch.
Go down to bed.

All right.

There.

Yeah.

Mmm.

Hello?

Oh, hi, miss conrad.

Yes, I'm pulling
the listings right now.

And listen, I want to thank
you for this opportunity.

I won't let you-what?

Am I using
the t.r.d. Reports?

Of course.
I have them right here.

I- I'm all about
the t.r.d.s.

Ok. All right,
no problem. Bye-bye.

Oh, my god. I hope
I left them in the bathroom.

All right, gentlemen.
Let's play some cards.

Danny, you get the beer.
Spence, here.

Order up some chinese.
Yeah.

Deac
- tunes, I'm right on it.

Oh, hey.
Instead of tung sing,

Let's try szechuan village.
It's supposed to be amazing.

As long as they can
make my dish.

Beef with broccoli.
With?

No broccoli.

Hey. Big jar of honey
tipped over in your fridge.

What the hell
just happened here?

What? We're
playing poker.

And could you watch the
language in front of my company?

No. No, no, no, no.
This is not happening.

What are you doing?

Doug, I need this room
to work, ok?

We have a big client
flying in from l.a.

I have to pull all the listings
of our condos, co-ops, lofts,

Then I have to project what
the amortized mortgage would be-

Ok, if you're trying
to bore us into leaving,

Mission accomplished.

Doug, please, come on.

Where are we
supposed to go?

What's wrong
with the garage?

Yeah,
we're out, too.

Spence's mom has a date over again.

Lowell isn't a date.
He's her piano teacher.

We don't have a piano.

Hello?
He brings his organ,

And she practices
on that.

Come on, honey, please. I
really want to do a good job.

This is a great opportunity.

Ok, fine. You know what,
guys? No cards. Let's-

You know what? Let's just
go to szechuan village.

All right?
Oh, and f.y.i...

When you're ambitious,
I couldn't want you less.

Ok?

All right, so,
what do you want to do?

Hit me.

Damn it!

Can we be done now?

Oh, god, when did you
become such a complainer?

Uh, whenever I'm forced
to be furniture.

You know what? Deal 'em up. Come on.

Nah, I don't want
to play anymore.

I'm gettin' too good a view
of backstage spence.

Is that a thong?

What?! No.

What are you, crazy?
Heh.

So, we gettin' a table
anytime soon?

Well, good news is, there's a chinese
family that just finished eating.

Bad news is, they started playing
some kind of game with tiles.

Oh, god, I hope
it's not shogi.

That could
take hours.

All right, look, why don't
we just grab some takeout

And go play
in the garage?

As long as we don't mess
with the raccoon babies,

The mother is not
going to att*ck us.

Ok, I know for a fact
that's not true.

Besides, I want to play
in my own living room.

Well, that's not gonna
happen. Carrie's thrown us out

The last times
we've tried.

You know, if we had any
guts, we'd rent out that place

And make it our
permanent poker room.

Heh. Plus, how fast would
the chinese food come?

Yeah, that'd be
off the hook.

off the hook...

or very much
on the hook?

The location is good-

Close to shopping.
Schools are excellent.

The blinds are new.

My mother-in-law put them up
just before she passed away.

Dropped dead.

Dropped dead right where
you are standing.

Her heart?

No, uh, the ceiling fan
came down on her.

It's in there
pretty good now, though.

I had better get back
down to my restaurant.

Anything else?

Uh, how much
is the rent again?

$ A month,
including utilities.

No pets.

Cat gets loose in
a chinese restaurant, and...

Well, that's hard
to live down.

Well, what do you
guys think?

I'm not sure
kelly's gonna go for it.

She can't not go for what
she doesn't not know about.

What?

You don't tell her!

Oh, what, you're not
gonna tell carrie?

Hell to the no.

Broads ain't hearin'
about this,

And broads definitely
ain't invited.

You know what?
I'm in.

Yeah, me, too.
Spence?

The, uh,
"no broads" policy-

Like, say I meet
a hot chick in a bar,

I want to
bring her up here.

I mean, would that
be ok, or no?

Let's cross that
imaginary bridge

When we come to it.

We gotta hustle. Carrie's
gonna be home any minute.

You wanna bring
this george foreman grill?

Mmm. Naw.
At the new place,

Let's leave animal
fat where it belongs-

In the food.

Hey!
Hey!

Hi, deacon, why do you
have folding chairs

Tied to the roof
of your car?

Oh, uh... I-it's for
my kid.

He likes musical chairs.
He's-

He's trying out
for the team at school.

That's a good dad
right there.

Anyway, remember I told you
about that client from l.a.

I was gonna be showing
properties to?

No.

Well, I did, and I am.

Anyway, guess who it is.
Big star.

Tom hanks.
No.

The guy who played
mr. Drummond.

No!
I'm out.

All right.
Kirstie alley.

Oh! Gimme a call
when it's mr. D.

Hey, whoa, whoa!
What is all this stuff?

Uh-no, this is just stuff that
i-i'm going to sell on ebay.

Hold that thought.

Honey, you're selling your
playstation? You love it.

Exactly. That's why I'm
getting rid of all this crap,

So I can spend
more time with you.

To do what?

I got nothin'
right now.

Hey, hey, slow down
there, big boy. What?

Here. Sell this
for me.

A potato chip.

Not just a potato chip. A potato chip
that looks just like richard nixon.

No one's gonna buy that.

Are you crazy?
It's a known fact

That nixon is the rolls-royce of
presidential-shaped potato chips!

It doesn't even look like him! It
looks... More like my uncle stu.

Your uncle stu
wishes! Here.

Hi. Are you carrie?

Yes. Hi!

I'm kirstie alley.

I'm sorry. I didn't
catch the name.

Ah! Kidding!

Hello, welcome!
Come in!

I have some great condos
for you to look at.

Oh, exciting.
To tell you the truth,

I'm relieved that I'm gonna
be talking about something

Other than
my weight loss.

You know, it's like, "kirstie,
you look so beautiful.

You lost so much weight!
Oh, you look so hot."

At a certain point it's
like enough is enough, right?

Actually, I haven't
reached that point.

Oh, if I hadn't told you,
kirstie, you look fabulous!

Well, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hey, jenny craig for president
- am I right?

You're right.

So why don't we
get started?

Let's!

Ms. Heffernan, where do
you want, bagels and donuts?

Uh... Thank you.
You can put them-

Right back where
they came from!

We don't want that
poison in here!

Sorry about that,
kirstie.

No, no, no, no,
no, no.

Please. Please,
you enjoy, carrie.

I am perfectly able to sit
here and watch other people eat.

Ok. Ha ha. All right.

Out. Out.

Is it good?

Mm-hmm.

Is that a little
pecan on top?

Oh, actually,
I don't really know.

Just give a little
taste.

Ok.

Pecan?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I think
so. I don't really know.

I'm not sure.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
I should have told you.

I have this little trick-i
watch other people eat,

And then I enjoy
the food through them.

Oh! Oh, I get it.
Ok, great, great.

In fact, you see that little
sprinkled donut over there?

Uh-huh.

Could you eat that?

Actually, I don't
love sprinkles-

But could you eat it?

Absolutely. I can.
Absolutely.

Not a problem.

Ahh...

This is livin'.

Oh ho! There it is!
Still the champ!

That doesn't count.
It's on the line!

Look, nobody likes
losing at baloney darts,

But show a little class,
would ya?

Hello.

Hey, it's me.

It's carrie.
Keep it down.

Listen, where are you?
I tried calling you at home.

I'm at szechuan village.

Again? Man,
you love that place.

What was that? I couldn't
understand a word you're saying.

Well, I'm eating stuff
for kirstie alley.

Wow. I'm in the wrong
business.

What is inside that? Is
it caramel or butterscotch?

Honey, I'm gonna be home
a little late.

Ah, boo.

All right, well,
don't work too hard.

Ok. Bye-bye.

Ok, now,
just hypothetically,

How many white castles
could you eat?

Dad, how many times have I told
you, stay outta my makeup bag?

I took one lipstick!
Call a cop!

What were you doing
with it anyway?

If you must know, I was
circling parts of my body

For a doctor's
appointment.

Ok. That's it.
That's it!

I'm putting you
in a home!

It's open.

Hey, man, welcome!

Hey, I was ordering
some food downstairs

And mr. Soo said
you were still up here.

Didn't we
give this place up?

I didn't. I kept it
for a little getaway.

Oh, um...

I'm gonna need you
to take the shoes off.

I just had the carpets
cleaned.

You serious?

Does it not smell
mountain fresh in here?

Seriously, dock those giant
boats by the door, would ya?

Come on! Sit down, man.

Here ya go! Let's visit.

Tell me everything!

I like what you've
done with the place.

It's a big
difference.

You know, it's funny.

Now that it's just mine,
I don't know, i...

I want more.

Where are my manners? Would
you like something to drink?

Uh... Just water.

Sure. We got some
specialty sodas here.

I got moxie,
fanta orange, ting.

That's the official soda
of jamaica, mon.

Water's good.

You're the guest.

Here we go.

So, uh...

You still with carrie,
or...

Yes, I'm with carrie.
You're a character.

So where does she think
you are when you're here?

Actually, with you.

I've got my deacon in the
background impersonation

Pretty down pat.

Slow your roll, playah.

That's not bad. I guess I gotta
work on my background doug.

You just crumple
a bag of doritos.

That's all you gotta do.

Oh. Sorry.

So how are you able to swing
the rent all by yourself?

I don't pay rent
anymore.

Mr. Soo and i,
we worked something out.

Hey, table needs
more duck sauce.

I'm on it, sir.

Kirstie, that condo
was perfect for you.

I'm never buying a condo

from some idiot who says I
was great in cagney & lacey.

I don't even want
a condominium anymore.

I just wanna k*ll
myself!

No! No, no, no, no.
Come on. Come on.

How-how 'bout this?

I go on an eating binge
for you, ok?

I'll eat food until
it comes outta my eyes!

What are you
in the mood for?

I guess I could watch
you eat some chinese.

I know just the place.

Anyway, it's a great building right
on the park. What do you think?

Hmm. Could you smoke
a cigarette for me?

Love to. But i...
I don't have any, so...

I do. Right there in my purse. Okeydoke.

Only been in there
a year.

Oh! Great.

Anyway, back to the condo.

I think that if you like it, we
really need to jump on the building.

Come on, man!

Hey!

Yes, miss?

Yeah, I called for
a delivery.

I'm just
a little confused.

Is it your policy to just
dump the food in the street

And then drive off?

I ask in back.

Doug!

Carrie!

My god! Come on in! I've been
meaning to invite you over forever!

What the hell
is goin' on he-

Oh, I'm... Gonna need
you to lose the shoes.

Doug, what the hell
are you doing here?

What is this place?

Didn't I tell you
about this?

It's just a little
hangout, you know.

I come here to unwind...
Like once in a blue moon.

Ahem.

You're
getting mail here.

And you have a turtle and throw
pillows that say "home sweet home."

That was
a housewarming gift.

You had
a housewarming party?!

Just the neighbors. You
wouldn't have known anyone.

Doug, what else
don't I know about?

I mean, you have
another wife?

Is there a doug, jr.
At soccer practice?

You're overreacting!

I'm overreacting?

I just found out my
husband has another life!

Another life.
That's crazy!

Hello?

Wo men kuh boo kuk ee
wan dien zal shuwo...

zal jian.

Hey, how 'bout a moxie
soda, bottle of moxie?

I- i-i can't
believe this.

Would you
- sit down, would you, please?

oh, yeah. Here
you use a coaster.

Just listen to me,
all right?

This whole thing started as a place
for me and the guys to hang out.

But... They bailed out
and I just...

I stayed with it.

Why? To get away
from me?

Not you.

Not just you.

Look, I admit, maybe I took
things a little too far.

But have you ever just...

Wanted to escape
from someone?

Hey, hey, hey.

Have you seen carrie?

Nope.

This is nice.

Yeah. Glad you
decided to stay.

Hey, you wanna...
Throw some baloney?

I don't exactly know
what that means,

But no.

Doug, turtle soup
for table .

Ok. I'm on it, sir.

Oh, my god. I-is this-

I told you... No pets.