04x01 - Anniversary

[bunniefuu]

Well, can you no' just do without
it for one night?

He needs his phone, Eric.

It'll only take me five minutes to
nip back and get my charger.

Oh, for God's sake.
What time is the table booked for?

Not till half past. Oh.

This programme contains strong language.

You'd be as well to just come in,
actually - I've just realised

I don't have my wee adapter thing
for the car with me.

I'll need to plug it in inside
for five minutes. Oh, bloody hell!

Did we not leave the lamp on? Eric,
did you not leave the hall lamp on?

I don't know. Normally,
we leave the lamp on...

ALL: Surprise!

SQUEALING

Happy anniversary, Mum.
Happy anniversary, Beth.

Dear God, I nearly jumped out of
my bloody skin there.

Congratulations, squire.

Happy anniversary, Mr Baird.

I don't know what to say. This is
lovely. At last!

Beth, where's your kitchen roll?

MUSIC PLAYS

You're a wee swine.
I thought you'd twig in the car.

I was like, ah, he knows,
he knows something is going on.

See your face when you walked in.
I know, what was it like?

I didn't know what was
happening for a minute.

Aye, see cos you're older
and quite heavy,

I thought you might take an
actual stroke.

You really didn't need to go to all
this trouble, Gordon.

Ian said you'd say that.

Just look at all this.

That reminds me,
I got you a little present as well.

Oh, you didn't need to bother.
years being married to Mr Baird!

We had to give you something.

Aye, a cyanide capsule.

All right, Michelle? I didn't
realise it was a dressy-up affair!

I just thought, seeing it was a
special occasion.

Oh, give us a twirl.

Go on.

Have you got any pants on?

Top up, Mr Baird? Go on.

Hasn't he done well, arranging all this?

Aye, tremendous.

It's no trouble. I wanted to.

He got us all in here while Ian was
lying to you in his car.

Listen, I appreciate you going to
all this bother, I really do.

So do I, Eric. I'll just give you a
little kiss

to say well done, Gordon.

That's nice.

OK, everyone, listen up.

Shh, shh, shush, shush!

I'd just like to say a massive
thank you for coming to

celebrate my mum and dad's th
wedding anniversary.

CHEERING

Now, he didn't want to make a big
fuss or have a big do

or anything, but we just felt we
ought to do something at least to

mark the occasion.
Aye, let's get really pissed!

So, if you join me in wishing
congratulations to my mum for

putting up with my dad
for all these years.

Oh, ha-ha(!)

And congratulations to dad for
punching so far above his weight.

LAUGHTER

To Mum and Dad!

Woohoo, Eric and Beth!

Beth and Eric! Mr and Mrs Baird!

Oh, I should just say...
For f*ck's sake.

Erm, I should just say as well,
thank you to Gordon.

He has worked his socks off.

I couldn't have arranged any of it
if it wasn't for him.

Well done, Gordon. Another one from
me, honey. Just another one.

Right, Ian. Let's get this trifle
dished oot and into the bowls.

In a bit, Christine, we haven't had
any of the sandwiches or anything
yet.

Wait till you taste this, Michelle.
Did you make it, did you? I did.

Well, I didn't know what to get them
for a present and I thought

about a voucher or maybe a wee
bit of porcelain.

But then I went into my cupboard and
saw the four tins of fruit cocktail

and I thought,
"f*ck it, trifle it is."

So, this time years ago, eh? Aye.
So how did the two of you meet?

It was at a party actually.

Aye. At my pal Davie's house.
Davie who?

Love at first sight was it, Eric?
It was for me. Aw.

We were actually set up. Who by?

Jeremy Beadle?

How did you two meet?

How did you end up with Alan,
Michelle, you must get asked that a
lot?

We've actually been going out
together since we were at school.

Have you? That's great.

You been together since you were
at school?!

Yes. Ian and me are coming up for
eight months in three weeks' time.

What, you've never been anywhere
else except him? No.

Aw, that's nice.

I did pump one other lassie before
we started going out but it's

just been her since then.

Anyway, listen, there's tonnes of
food so feel free

to dig in and help yourself.

Yes, let's get tore into this trifle.

It's home-made, none of your
shop-bought pish. Yes, Christine.

We'll get round to it.

Aye, all right,
son, but don't take too long,

cos technically that cream
needs to be used before midnight.

Isn't this lovely?
Aye, it's a good spread, Beth.

There was tempura prawns as well,
but unfortunately they were

finished before you got here.

Oh. Alan!

Whit?

Did you try the wee baby quiches?
There's none left.

Aye, they were very popular too.

You managing? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
It's going all right, isn't it?

Is your mum enjoying it? Yeah!

She's put a picture of the buffet up
on Facebook already. That's nice.

Aye. Everybody all right for a
drink?

Eh, Cathy wants one. All
right, where's the glass.

No, don't bother with that,
just give us the bottle.

Colin and me celebrate our wedding
anniversary every single year,

don't we, Colin?
We do, yeah. It's important to us.

How long have you been married for,
Cathy? Eight years.

Nine. Nine.

I've had my van nine year.

So, when can we be expecting the
sound of wedding bells for

you two then? I think that's a
while off yet, Colin.

Keeping your options open,
are you, Michelle?

No, no, we just want to wait until
the time is right.

Aye, once we've had the floors
done and she's had the all clear in
the IBS.

You want to see what she has to send
away in thae wee tubs, by the way.

You're engaged though, yeah? Well,
not officially, no. Are you not,
Michelle?

No. Not yet. Here, Alan, see when I
proposed to Cathy, what was it like?

Remember that, Cathy?
It was unbelievable, Michelle.

It was night-time.

We were on the balcony of this
beautiful five-star hotel,

overlooking the sea with the lights
and the stars. It was...

It was amazing.

Where was that? Venice.

It was Crete. Crete.

Have you had enough to eat? Plenty,
there's so much lovely stuff.

There's trifle, Beth. Right.
Ian, come on.

Let's get that trifle fired
into thae bowls.

Awright, OK.

Hang on. Aren't we going to do the
thing now? Oh, sh*t, right!

Christine, we'll do the trifle in a
minute. Oh, for God's sake.

Everybody, everybody, listen up.
Listen up, everyone.

We've got a wee surprise that
we've organised. ALL: Woo!

Is it a gay stripper?

We've organised a Mr and Mrs quiz.

Oh, yay! What is that?

We have got a quiz for you and
Mum about your married life.

Oh, question one,
how has she stuck it for so long?

This'll be interesting, Eric,

see how well you been paying
attention over the years, eh?

I'd be shite at it.

I couldn't even tell you the size of
her feet. They look like a four.

You should've told me we were
going to do this.

It wouldn't have been a surprise
then, would it?

Come on, you lot, take a seat.

Oh! # Mr and Mrs... #
Remember that one, Christine?

Oh, aye. # Be nice to each other

♪ Mr and Mrs... ♪

What was it?

♪ Friends and lovers... ♪

That's it.

# Dee dee dee

♪ Dee dee, dee, dee, da-ra dee. ♪

I never watched it.

OK, everybody, ready? No.

Come on! Yeah. Yay!

CHEERING Quiet, everyone.

Quiet everyone. Shut up, Michelle.

So, we've got some questions.

We're going to test your knowledge
about how well you two know

each other because you are...

ALL: Mr and Mrs!

OK, so you take that, Mrs Baird.

And when we ask you the question,

you have to write down your answer
in secret and then when

Mr Baird gives us his answer, we see
if what you've written down matches.

Right. Alan, are you bored?
I am bored.

So, first question. What is
Mr Baird's favourite food?

Christ, she's gonna need a bigger pad.

I'd say... Uh! Write it down.

Write it down, Beth, stupid!

OK, ready?

OK, so we asked you Mr Baird's
favourite food was and it is...

Steak.

Yes, Eric, big beefy steak.

And you said...

CHEERING

One point to you, Mrs Baird.
OK, Mr Baird. This one's for you.

Here you are, Eric, take that.
Pass the... Pass the pad.

You've got to pass the pad.

What is the first thing Mrs Baird
does in the morning?

She goes for a poo! Write poo, Eric.

Or you could just draw one.

I can draw them, I can.
Aw different wans.

Wee pointy wans. Big logs...

Let him think.

Are you ready? Nearly, hang on.
Hang on. Yeah.

OK, Mrs Baird,

the first thing that you do in the
morning when you wake up is...

Have a cup of tea.

CHEERING

That's close enough,
give him that. Yeah!

OK, next question. To Mrs Baird.

There you go, Beth.

♪ Pass the pad!
Go on, pass the pad... ♪

What is Mr Baird most afraid of,
what is his biggest fear?

ALL: Ooooh!

Gosh, let me think. Erm...

Snakes.

Aye, could be. Or mibbe, mibbe,

something happening to Ian. Yes!
Like Ian dying.

Oh, that's good, Ian dying.
Because of a snake.

Aye, a mamba.

They chase you. Or he could drown.

He could get bitten by a snake and
then drown. Aye, aye...

That's good. OK, ready, Mrs Baird?

Mr Baird, what are you most scared of?

Well, I was going to say seeing
Christine in her nightie.

But no, it's snakes.

Yes!

Snakes. Oh, yay!

Ssssssss.

That's my mum got two and my dad's
got one.

OK, Eric. OK.

If she wasn't married to you,

what famous person would Mrs Baird
like to be married to?

I'd be Dermot O'Leary.

Dermot O'Leary, Michelle, I'd
f*cking shag his brains out.

Eric... Eric.

Paul Hollywood.

The blue eyes and the wee bits of
flour on his hands, eh?

Let's see what you put, Dad.

There you are. George Clooney.

Well, yes, he'd do if I had to
choose but I'm very happy

with what I've got, thank you.

Aw! So sweet.

OK, well, another point to Mr Baird.
Here you go, Beth.

Next question. Hang on, hang on, how
many more have you got? A few.

Maybe another . Jesus!

Maybe just one more then?

Yeah, one more and that'll do us.

OK, then.

Erm, not that one.
Erm, not that one...

Favourite yoghurt? No.

I've got one.

Can I do one? Aye, go on, Michelle.
Let Michelle ask one.

Yeah, go on, Michelle.

OK. What is
the best thing about being married?

Phew...

Keep it clean, Beth.

Don't write sex, Beth, don't make us
think about that. Ready?

Nearly.

Right, Dad, what did Mum say was
the best thing about being married?

Erm...

It's hard to say. I mean...
Does she do your washing, Eric?

It's good to get your washing
done. Aye, eh...

I think the best thing about being
married is probably, well,

it's just seeing each other every day.

Spending time together.

Aw! Aw!

Come here, you.

All right?

Would you like to get married, Gordon?

Aye, they can now.
They're allowed, aren't they?

Oh, my God, a gay wedding,
I'd love that!

Get married, Gordon!

What actually happens at a gay wedding?

Well, it's just the same.

The same? How is it the same?

Well, it just is. It's just
two people doing their vows.

Aye, but vowing what, though?

That it's no' just a phase?

Well, I think it's great
they can dae that now.

I mean, they've had years of people
shouting at them,

and creeping about in toilets.

I mean, you cannae begrudge them
a wee party.

I couldnae have it off in a bog!

Men's toilets f*cking stink.

Gordon, if Ian asked you
to marry him, what would you say?

Cathy!
Just interested.

Cathy, I don't think...
Would you say yes?

Just ignore her, Gordon.

I bet you would!

I bet he would, Ian.

I bet you wish you'd asked Jaz now,
don't you?

Just ask Gordon instead.
For God's sake!

Oh, Jaz, he was the one I liked.

Aye, I liked Jaz.

Who's Jaz?
He was the one before Gordon.

Jaz is short for...

Er...

Well, he was Asian.

Come on!
Do you ever hear from him, Ian?

No! Gordon, just ignore it.

Would you, Gordon, if Ian said to
you, "Gordon, would you marry me?",

what would you say?

Cathy, you can't put somebody
on the spot like that.

Shut up, Michelle,
it's got nothing to do with you!

It's got nothing to do with you, either.

Excuse me, Eric, Gordon and I
are actually very close.

All his stuff about bulimia
at university.

WHISPERS: I'm the only one
that knows about that.

Come on!

If Ian said, "Gordon, will you
marry me?", what would you say?

Well...

Well...

I suppose...

I suppose I'd say yes.

Would you? Ian, he's up for it!

Ian, would you like to marry Gordon?

Cathy, I'm not doing this.
Ian!

Cathy, no!
You wouldn't?

No, I'm not saying that...
So you're saying you would?

No!
What ARE you saying?

Would you or would you not
like to marry Gordon?

I don't know!

You got any other games, Gordon?

Was it actually years ago today,
was it?

Tomorrow.

So this time years ago,
you'd have been where?

At my mum and dad's with my sister,
getting ready.

And what about you, Eric? Where were
you, eh? Oot on the randan?

Oh, my best man and I
just went for a curry.

Oh, that'd be nice for your
wedding night,

him lying next to you
with the big curry farts.

That must have been lovely, Beth,
with your family.

Were you trying on the dress
and all that?

Yes, yes, and my mum had actually
made the veil herself.

I'd love to see pictures of your dress.

Go and get your wedding album, Beth.

Are you OK, Alan, honey?
Are you needing another drink?

Er, aye, on you go.

Gordon, are you all right to get
Alan a drink?

Or are you feeling a bit...?

No! I'm fine.

Right, drinks! Who wants what?

I'll give you a hand.
No!

Right, beer for Alan,

and I'll bring another bottle
of bubbly through, too.

Let's all get really drunk!

WHISPERS: Michelle.

Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm fine.

Look, I didn't mean when Cathy
asked me about getting married

that I wasn't sure because
I wasn't sure about YOU.

Don't worry about it.
She just sprung it on me.

It's fine, honestly, it's OK.
Let's just get on with the drinking.

So that's the church.
Oh, yeah!

Was it the one beside the exhaust
place you got married in, Beth?

Yes, it was, Colin.

You can swap places with me, Christine.

I'm not interested.

Right, Beth.

Budge up. That's it.

Right, let's get a look, Beth.

That's us outside.

Get her to show you the one where
her dress gets caught

in the car door, that's a good one.

That's us going in.

Oh, my God, you look lovely!

Your hair's quite flat there, Beth.

Did you not want to give it a bit
of height for your special day?

The dress is amazing.

She looked lovely.

See when she walked in and I saw
her? Oh...

That's us cutting the cake.

Oh, is that you having your first dance?

It is, yeah.

What was your first dance to?

Amore.
That's right, Amore.

Oh, I love that.

♪ When the moon... ♪

Yeah, we know how it goes.

I'll tell you what was
really amazing, though.

It was the dance that me and Colin
did at our wedding.

Oh, what was it like, Col?

Aye, it was a bit special, aye.

That was amazing, Michelle.
Oh, right.

We got married in the
Dominican Republic, Alan.

Did yous, aye?
Yep. Punta de...

Er...

It was Thomson's platinum, Alan.

We had the ceremony on the beach.
Wow.

But we had to move into the
pool area for the reception,

because the drug dealers
use the beach at night.

So who were your bridesmaids?

Did they let your friends fly over
for it, then, did they?

Well, a few, not as many as we'd
liked. See, it was

quite near Christmas, and folk were
watching their pennies, you know.

When was it?
First week in May.

But it was fine, because there was a
lot of folk there

wanting to wish us well.

There was a big crowd from
Doncaster, wasn't there?

Couple from Belgium.
Heavy, heavy smokers.

Spoke a bit of English.

And the wee guy that hosed the plants,

he stuck his head in with a card.

But see when we got up to do the dance?

Oh, my God, Michelle...

In fact, shall we show them a bit of it?

Oh, I don't know.

I mean... What?

What do you reckon?

Ian, would you like to see a bit of it?

No.
Yes!

Come on.

Let's get that iPod on.

No, Cathy.

Just wait, wait, wait.
Cathy, no.

Shut up, Michelle.

MUSIC: Move Closer,
by Phyllis Nelson

Get oot the way!

Do you remember it, Col?

Oh, aye.

# Hey, baby

# You go your way

# And I'll go mine

# But in the meantime

# When we're together

♪ Touching each other... ♪

Oh, for God's sake!

# And our bodies

# Do what we feel

♪ When we're dancing... ♪

f*ck me.

All the staff had come out the
kitchen by this point.

Aye. A lot of them
had their cameras out.

Oh, for goodness' sake!

The Doncaster mob, they were really
egging her on, you know.

MUSIC STOPS

We were just getting to the good bit!

Sorry, is there a problem, Michelle?

I think we've all seen enough, Cathy.

What? Well, this is Beth and Eric's
night, isn't it?

HE SIGHS

So, your dress was absolutely
beautiful, Beth.

Thank you, Michelle.

Did you buy it, or...?

Yes, yes, I bought it.

Still got it.

Have you?
Yeah.

Cath chucked hers, didn't you?

You chucked it?

Well, I was going to keep it,

but we were up to kg
with all the cigarettes,

so I dumped it at the airport.

I'd love to see your dress, Beth.

It's upstairs in the wardrobe.

Is it?
Somewhere.

Away and get it, Beth.
Bring it doon.

On you go, Beth.

So, the old wedding dress, eh?

Been a while since you've seen that, eh?

Aye, it is indeed.

Is it the old traditional white, is it?

Aye. Aye. That's what women like,
isn't it?

Aye. Is that what Cathy had?
Aye, hers was white.

Well, it was at the start of the night!

See on your wedding night?

Had you and Beth...?

Had you ever...?

Had you lain with her before?

What?

Were you familiar with
each other's bodies?

Well...

..aye.
Really?

Aye.
See my first wife?

She'd never done it.
Really? Aye.

But Cathy had?

Oh, aye, Cathy had, but...

OK, here we are.

Oh!

See, she's like me, Michelle.

Throws nothing away.

I've got an old Puma tracksuit
that I keep to wear

for when I've got an upset stomach.

Oh, wow!

I've not seen this for a while.

You're not that interested
in weddings, really, are you?

Hold it up, let's see it properly.

Aye. You scrubbed up all right.

Can I see it?
Oh, Beth, put it on.

No!

Come on, put it on, give us all a laugh.

She'll never get into it, Cath.

Well, yes, it might be a bit
on the tight side.

Never mind, put it back in the bag
and chuck it in the cupboard.

Oh, it's beautifully made.

It's the kind of thing I'd go for.

Quite simple.

Why don't you put it on, then?
Sorry?

You try it on, you'll fit into it.

No, it's Beth's dress,
it's a personal thing.

Och, it's just a dress, Michelle.
It's no as if you're trying on

a swimsuit and you've got to check
the hygiene strip.

Is it because you've got
no pants on, Michelle?

No!
How come you've no got knickers on?

I do have knickers on!

Just go into the wee toilet there,
no-one will see.

Aye, go into the wee loo.
Let's see it on you. Come on.

You can if you want.

Come on!
Really?

OK.

THEY CHEER

Well, I don't know about anybody else,

but I am definitely ready
for a bit of this trifle.

Colin?
Good idea.

Alan?
Aye.

Eric?

No need to ask. Boys?

Well...
Oh, yeah, good idea.

Let's do trifle.

Let's all have a bowl of lovely
f*cking trifle.

Is he OK?

There's sherry in it, Alan.

Vintage sherry.
Aye? Aye.

I had to use a pair of pliers
to get the lid off.

Here we are!

Trifle in there.

Trifle in there!

Trifle in there.

Oh, bit on the table.
Who gives a sh*t?

Gordon, would you like a hand there?

No, no, it's fine. Here you are.

Here you go.

For you.

Not for me, thanks.

Gordon.
Yes?

Any spoons?
Spoons?

Do you really need a spoon?

Unless I'm gonnae
stick my head in the bowl

and snort it through my
f*cking nose, aye.

What do you think?

Oh, Michelle!

Oh, come in,
let's have a proper look at you.

It actually fits me.

It's a bit tight, no?

You look lovely, pet.

Aye, that quite suits you, Michelle.

Oh, aye, that's good, aye.

Do you think?
Aye.

You'd better watch, Michelle.

You'll have him down on one knee
before you know it.

LAUGHTER

Alan, Alan...
What?

You could propose to Michelle!

Cathy...
Go on!

For God's sake, Cathy.

Put your trifle down
and ask her to marry you!

No, no, no, look...
Down on the rug! Come on

Alan, Alan, wedding, wedding.

No, Alan, look,
we're not doing this right now.

Alan, Alan, she wants you to, really.

I don't!

Alan, Come on.

On one knee.
Alan, please don't do this.

Down on one knee!

Alan, not like this.

There's the beautiful bride.

Alan...
One, two, three...

Will you marry me?

Yes, but...

Hurray!

Oh!
Where are you going?

I'm taking this f*cking thing off,
and then we're going home.

Michelle!

Michelle!

Trifle.

Where is it?

Aha!

MUSIC: Let's Get Married,
by The Proclaimers

Oh, Gordon!
Would anybody like to dance?

No takers? Never mind!

Yeah, Gordy!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, look!

Gordon! Naughty!

Whoo! Yeah!

This is off.

Work it.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

SHE SIGHS

# Let's get married
C'mon darlin', please take my hand

# C'mon darlin', please take my hand

♪ C'mon darlin',
please take my hand. ♪