04x06 - Gomer the House Guest

[bunniefuu]

( whistling sprightly tune )

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also starring Don Knotts.

Hey, Andy.

Hey, Gomer.

I'll get with you in a couple of shakes.

Take your time.

( man in car laughing )

( guffawing )

So me and Old Bertie Blush

had this -cent bet

that I couldn't find a trout in that pool.

And he says to me,

"Why, there ain't been a trout in there

for years!"

You know how Old Bertie talks.

Well, by a chance of fate

I's eatin' a limburger cheese and onion sandwich,

so I baited my hook

with a dab of limburger and slice of onion

and he says to me,

"What're you doin'?! What're you doin'?!"

I swear, when Bertie excites himself

he sounds just like a jaybird.

So with this goo on the hook...

( honking )

I'll be with you in a minute.

So I drop my hook in that pool,

you know the spot, Jase.

Right to the base of that Lover's Leap rock?

I didn't know it had a name.

Oh, yeah.

As legend tells it, a confederate colonel

plunged to his everlastin' callin' there

when he was spurned by a Yankee woman.

Is that how it got its name?

As legend tells it.

( honking )

I'll be with you in a minute.

Well, that hook couldn't have been in the water

less than a minute when wham!

Somethin' took it.

( honking )

( still honking )

That customer's gettin' kinda testy, Gomer.

Oh?

I'll be with you in a minute.

Well, I was shakin' like a leaf with excitement.

You know, cents ain't hay.

Well, you should've heard Bertie.

"You got a catfish, you got a catfish!"

( laughing )

Doggone it, Gomer!

Finish up there

and take care of the other customers!

Be with you in a minute.

Oh, hiya, Wally.

Be right there.

Well, to make a long story short,

it was the biggest old rainbow trout you ever saw.

Imagine me, livin' here years

and not even knowin' that rock's name.

Gomer, get over here

and clean this windshield

and check the hood!

( annoyed ): Be right there.

Man ain't got more than two hands.

What was it, Gomer?

It's just some corrosion on your battery terminal.

This soda pop cleared it right up.

Say, Gomer, do you mind

if I tell that Bertie Blush story around?

Feel free.

It's a dandy.

( wheels screeching )

Doggone it, Gomer.

That customer was boilin' mad.

How long had he been sittin' there?

About a minute.

Now your minutes are growing into half hours.

You better start snapping to!

You hear me?

Wally's a little sore, huh?

Oh, he don't mean nothin' by it.

He's a wonderful human bein'.

You got a minute, Gomer?

Sure, any time for you, Andy.

I want to get a t*nk of gas.

Check.

Did you hear what I was tellin' Jase

about Old Bertie Blush.

Parts of it.

Well, you must have missed the best part.

Me and old Bertie had this -cent bet

that I couldn't find any trout in that pool.

Well, he says to me,

"Why, there ain't been a trout

in there for years."

( horn honking )

You know how Old Bertie talks.

Be with you in a minute.

So, by a chance of fate, I...

There you are. There's your allowance.

Don't spend it all in one place.

Thanks, Paw.

Well, you deserve it.

I didn't have to remind you one time to do your chores.

That's 'cause I wrote it down on my wrist.

Maybe I ought to take that quarter back,

'cause you ain't been washin' that wrist.

That ain't one of the chores, Paw.

No, it ain't, is it?

Well, I'll see you. I got work to do.

You run along.

Me, too, Paw. So long.

Okay.

Hey, Opie.

Hey, Gomer.

Hey, Andy.

Hey, Gomer.

Whacha doin' with your suitcase?

Nothin'.

Just come to see you.

Well, what can I do for you?

You know, Wally's a strange man.

He just done the funniest thing.

What?

He fired me from my job.

Oh... Well, I declare.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, the worst thing about it is,

I had to give up my room in the back of the station

and I haven't got any place to sleep.

Well, that is a shame.

Losin' a job and a home all in one lump.

Yeah.

I cooked back there and everything.

I had a one-burner stove and a wooden egg crate

and some forks and salt and pepper,

things like that.

Uh-huh.

Wally called it my kitchenette.

What did you do to make Wally fire you?

Uh, he said I was "insufficient in my duties."

He must have said inefficient, Gomer.

Well, whatever it was he said,

it come right in front of the firin'.

So I come to see you.

I was wonderin' if you could put me up in a cell

till I settle on my feet someplace.

I'll go you one better than that, Gomer.

Come over to the house

and stay with me and Opie and Aunt Bee for a few days.

Oh, that's puttin' you out.

Glad to have you.

Got more room than I know what to do with.

Well, it don't seem right.

You ought to see the fried chicken

Aunt Bee's got to throw out 'cause...

I accept.

( laughs )

Come on.

( dog barks on TV )

MAN: Come on, boy, tell old Ralph. What is it?

( barks twice )

What is it boy? Is it Dave?

Is it young Dave?

( barks eagerly )

Shep's trying to tell Ralph something.

Yeah, we know.

( barks once )

MAN: He's in some kind of trouble, isn't he, boy?

Shep's trying to tell Ralph that young Dave is trapped

in the miner's shack up on top of Potters Peak.

Yeah, we heard that part.

Dave's Ralph's cousin, you know.

Yeah.

Take me to young Dave.

I had a dog once.

He was known by two names.

One of which was Sport.

Lord, he was a dumb dog.

Sweetly disposed but dumb.

You know what he did one night

when the house caught on fire?

Without making a sound of warnin'

or without tellin' a single soul,

he up and moved next door till the fire was over.

That's a shame.

It's a lucky thing my hand got b*rned

or I never would've woke up.

You can still see the scar

on the down side of my hand there.

Come on, boy!

Shep!

See it? I see it.

Shep!

ANNOUNCER: Well, that was certainly a surprise, wasn't it?

What happened?

That's good old Shep, he always comes through.

I didn't get it. Did you get it Aunt Bee?

House caught fire; and Shep went next door.

ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week

for another episode in The Lives of Shep and Ralph,

a story of a man and his dog.

( clicks TV off )

Gosh, Paw.

Do you think Shep and Ralph saved Dave?

I'm sure they did.

Go on upstairs now.

It's bedtime.

Okay, Paw.

Good night, everybody.

BEE: Good night, Opie.

GOMER: Night, Ope. Night.

I believe I'll turn in myself.

I'm kind of tired.

I'm kind of tired, too.

Do you folks mind if I set up a spell?

Make yourself at home, Gomer.

Oh, Andy?

Mm-hmm.

There's something that's gnawin' at me.

Well, around here, we believe in speakin' up.

What is it?

Well, if you won't let me pay you for my keep,

at least let me help you do some of your chores.

Well, that's not necessary, Gomer.

You're a guest.

Well, I feel like I ought to do something.

Well, if it'll make you feel better.

Go ahead.

Good night, Aunt Bee.

Good night, Gomer.

( crickets chirping softly )

( sawing wood )

( sawing continues )

( whispering ): Gomer.

Hey, Gomer.

Hi, Andy!

What's the matter? Can't you sleep?

I appreciate what you're trying to do, Gomer.

But don't you think : at night's

a kind of a strange time to be sawin'?

I ain't half tired.

You know I didn't work today.

Oh, that's true,

but you're makin' a whole lot of noise.

So some other time, okay?

If you say so.

Good night, Gomer.

( softly ): Good night.

( clattering )

( machinery whirring )

( whirring continues )

Gomer! Gomer!

( whirring slows to a stop )

Gomer!

What are you doin', Gomer?

Oh, I noticed your off and on

toggle switch was loose,

so I was tightenin' her up for you.

Is everything all right?

Everything's fine, Aunt Bee.

You all go on back to bed.

Andy, why are you vacuuming

at : in the morning?

It was me.

I weren't really vacuumin'.

I was tightenin' the switch

and she locked in the on position.

See here, where it says on.

I see it, I see it.

When she's in that position,

she's gonna run on you.

I know it.

Why don't you go on to bed?

Well, maybe I ought to.

But I'm not really tired, though.

Once you hit that bed, you'll be tired.

Come on.

You know, Andy,

for a man that's gotta get up

so early in the mornin',

you sure do keep strange hours.

( sighing )

( footsteps approach )

( door slams )

( gargling )

( gargling a tune )

GOMER: ♪ No account mule kickin' on a tin can ♪

♪ Kickin' on a tin can, kickin' on a tin can ♪

♪ No account mule kickin' on a tin can ♪

♪ All day long ♪

( vigorously ): ♪ A no account mule settin' on a mountain ♪

♪ Settin' on a mountain, settin' on a mountain ♪

♪ No account mule settin' on a mountain ♪

♪ All day long. ♪

( house falls silent )

( yelling ): Ho!

♪ No account mule eatin' in a haystack ♪

♪ Eatin' in a haystack, eatin' in a haystack ♪

♪ No account mule eatin' in a haystack ♪

♪ All day long. ♪

Ho!

♪ No account mule eatin' in a haystack ♪

♪ Eatin' in a haystack... ♪

( groaning sleepily )

Hey, Andy, you asleep?

( door slams )

No, Gomer.

I just come by to tell you

I haven't had no luck gettin' a job yet.

Well, don't worry about it, somthin' will turn up.

Yeah, no sense in mopin', that's life.

That's life.

Through and through.

Through and through.

Uh... speaking of life, Gomer,

I didn't get much sleep last night.

You didn't?

Maybe you ate too much supper.

No, Gomer.

I mean, I appreciate what you're trying to do,

but all that sawin' and messin' with the vacuum cleaner

and singin' and everything kept up so much racket

that I couldn't sleep.

Oh?

Well, I'm sorry about that.

Well, it's all right.

Don't go punishing yourself inside, or anything.

Just try to keep it down a little quieter tonight.

I'll do that, Andy.

I'll tippy-toe around.

Good, that'll be good.

Better yet, I'll go to bed

when you do and I won't make a sound.

Good, I'd appreciate it.

Say, you ain't had any luck finding a job, huh?

No, but I'm going off to the market now.

They're advertising for an experienced butcher.

You know anything about cutting meat?

You think they'll ask me that?

( crickets chirping )

Hey, Gomer!

Gomer!

Gomer Pyle!

Hey, Luther!

What can I do for you?

She's runnin' rough.

Rev her up once and let me listen.

( car engine revving )

Sounds lean to me, Luther.

Pull out your choke a little

and rev her up once more.

( engine revving )

That does it.

Thanks, Gomer!

( car horn honks )

MAN ( shouting ): Hey, Gomer!

Gomer Pyle!

Hey, Merle Dean.

Got a minute?

Sure.

Listen to this.

( suspension squeaking )

MERLE: What do you think, Gomer?

Bounce on your back bumper a couple of times.

Don't do that, Merle.

It's me, Sheriff Taylor.

Oh, hi, Sheriff.

Uh-oh, I done it again, didn't I, Andy?

Yeah, Gomer, you done it again.

Well, what do you think it is, Gomer?

We better not talk no more tonight, Merle.

Sheriff's gotta get some sleep.

It's your shocks.

Your shocks.

( yells ): Thanks, Gomer!

( softer ): I'll talk to you tomorrow.

( yells ): What?

He said he'd talk to you tomorrow.

I'm sorry I woke you, Andy.

( yells ): I say I'm sorry I woke you!

I heard you, Gomer, I heard you.

WOMAN: I haven't had any sleep for the last hour!

MAN ( shouting ): Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the matter with you?!

I'm going to call the police! ( dog barking )

Ooh, dad-burn, that coffee's hot.

You have to burn a man's mouth, Aunt Bee?

Well, if you didn't gulp your coffee,

you wouldn't burn your mouth.

I didn't gulp it.

This milk's warm.

No, it isn't, it just came out of the refrigerator.

Well, it's warm.

Don't talk back, young man, you can leave the table.

No he won't, not until he finishes his breakfast.

It he gets smart, he will.

It's me he's talking to.

Well, this milk's warm.

I don't care who he's talking to...

No, it isn't, Opie. It just came out of the refrigerator...

Aunt Bee, Opie, Opie, Aunt Bee, wait a minute! Wait a minute.

We don't snap at one another like this.

No, we certainly don't.

I think I know what's wrong.

None of us has had enough sleep

and we all know why we haven't had enough sleep.

Well, what are we going to do about it?

I'm gonna tell Gomer he's got to go.

It was a mistake to ask him to come here to start with.

Well, I suppose a boy

who lives alone in the back of a gas station

loses touch with other people's needs.

I can't help that. I'm gonna tell him he's got to go.

Well, you just have to.

Of course, I'll have to.

I'll just make it short and sweet.

That's all.

Hey, everybody.

Mmm, this kitchen

sure smells like home this morning.

Hi, Ope.

( singing "No Account Mule" softly )

( imitates g*nsh*t )

♪ No account mule ♪

♪ Settin' on a tin can all day long ♪

♪ No account mule ♪

♪ Settin' on a tin can, settin' on a tin can... ♪

( brakes squeaking )

That you in there, Willie Jack?

Oh, hey there, Sheriff.

I warned you last week about them brakes.

Yeah, well, I'm going to get 'em fixed tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Yeah.

That's the trouble around this town.

Everybody wants to put off things till tomorrow.

Well, I'm gettin' sick of it

and I'm gonna put a stop to it.

I'm giving you a citation.

Oh, now, wait a minute, Sheriff, I...

You keep arguing with me

I'll slap another ten dollars on you

for abusive attitude.

You've been around that Barney Fife so long,

you're getting just like him.

Just like Barney Fife.

What did you say?

Oh, nothin', nothin', nothin'

just thinkin' out loud.

A citizen's got a right to think out loud.

Yes, sir.

You're the first customer I've had today.

That right?

Matter of fact, the whole week's been off.

Gas is off, grease jobs is off.

Ain't even any repairs comin' in.

You ought to have plenty of repairs,

I been givin' out tickets all day.

People driving around in broken-down cars,

bad brakes, no tail lights.

Well, they must be goin' to Mount Pilot

'cause they sure ain't comin' in here.

Just put the gas in, will you, Wally?

( men laughing )

( raucous laughter )

What's going on?

Well, hey, Andy.

What are you doing, Gomer?

You're gettin' grease and oil

all over my driveway.

What is this?

Just folks needin' some repairs.

You ought to know, Sheriff.

You give me that ticket.

I always take my business to Gomer.

( car horn honks )

Hey, Gomer, just found out you were stayin' here.

How you doin', Jase?

( car horn honks )

Gomer, I've got some more work for you.

How you doin', Luther?

Come on in.

( horns honking )

Hold it, hold it!

This has got to stop, right now!

All you people get back in your cars.

Now, wait a minute...

Back in your cars, everybody!

( men laughing and talking )

What is this, Sheriff?

What's going on here?

I'll tell you what's going on.

See that feller right there?

Yeah, it's Gomer.

That's more than Gomer.

That's your business.

GOMER: She's gonna be good for another years.

( Gomer continues talking )

Silly of me to ask whether you want him back.

Oh, I want him back.

Good, good.

Oh, and, Wally?

Huh?

How about throwing in an extra burner

and an icebox in that kitchenette?

With pleasure.

So, I baited my hook

with just a dab of cheese and a slice of onion

and Bertie says, "What are you doin'?

What are you doin'?"

( all laughing )

Hey, everybody!

Hey, Gomer.

I just come by to thank you

for helping me get my job back.

Glad to help.

We're busier than bees down there.

I was workin' up until just a minute ago.

Good.

Yes, sir, and Wally's paintin' my room and puttin' in food.

Adding another burner and an ice box.

Shucks, with all that,

I might even think about gettin' married.

Good.

Well, I just wanted to thank you.

You're welcome.

You folks better be quiet.

I think he wants to get some sleep.

Don't ya, Andy?!