04x26 - A Deal Is a Deal

[bunniefuu]

( whistling sprightly tune )

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also starring Don Knotts.

Now, listen, Johnny Paul, I was here first.

No, I was here first.

Okay, fair and square.

Odds or evens?

Evens.

I win.

Wait a minute, two out of three.

No, you don't. We didn't say that.

Ma'am, would you like to buy a jar of...?

Hey, how you guys doing?

How many you got left, Opie?

Twenty-two.

I only got left.

How come you sold so many?

I mailed them to all my relatives..

But they didn't send me any money yet.

Take it easy. He won't buy any.

You'll see.

ALL: Sir, would you like to buy a jar of...?

I don't see how anybody's gonna win that pony.

Yeah, we'll never win it.

I think I'm gonna quit and send all my salve back.

Not me. I'm gonna try and sell some more.

Me, too.

But where?

( all yelling )

ANDY: Hi, son.

Hi, Paw.

How's the salve business coming?

It ain't.

Paw... No.

Now, look, I've already bought three jars of that stuff,

and I ain't even susceptible to poison ivy.

But it's good for a lot of other stuff, too...

"athlete's foot, prickly rash, complexion and spring itch."

Well, I don't plan on getting any of that stuff, either.

Son, I warned you

that stuff wasn't gonna be easy to sell.

You sure were right, Paw.

I was kinda thinkin' I might send it back.

Well, I tried to tell you it wasn't gonna be easy.

Hi.

ANDY: Oh, hi.

Have any luck over at Mrs. Farley's?

No. It was a false alarm.

She got out of that tree all by herself.

She was sitting on the front porch

with her fat face in a pan of milk

when I drove up.

Who, Mrs. Farley?

No, her cat.

What a question.

Mrs. Farley ain't got a fat face.

She's got a thin face.

Uh, Barney...

No. I ain't buying any more of your salve.

But, Barney... No.

Supposed to be good for crow's-feet.

I put it on my crow's-feet a week ago,

and they're still there.

See that crease in my cheek? Nothing.

So don't try to sell me any more of your salve.

Don't be too tough on him, Barn.

He's having a little difficulty moving that product.

It just ain't easy.

Well, I suppose not.

Door-to-door selling stuff.

Well, maybe you ain't using salesmanship, Ope.

I mean, a good salesman can sell anything.

Right, Ange?

Right.

How you been going about it, anyways?

What do you say when you come up to somebody's door?

Let's see your technique.

Well, I just hold out a jar of salve

and say, "Pardon me, ma'am.

Would you like to buy a...?"

Well? Go on.

That's as far as I get.

Then they slam the door in my face.

BARNEY: Well, there's your trouble.

You can't give 'em a chance to cut you off like that.

You've got to get your foot in the door

and start talking and never stop, right, Ange?

Right.

Here, let me show you. Give me that.

They open the door.

Then you say, "Hello, little girl.

"May I see the lady of the house?

Oh, you are the lady of the house."

A little flattery don't hurt none.

"I have here

"a little item known as Miracle Salve,

"guaranteed to remove blemishes,

"crow's-feet and those telltale lines under the eyes...

"not that you need it, madam,

but just to have around in case."

"Excuse me, young man.

I got a pineapple upside-down cake in the oven."

Well, anyway, Ope...

salesmanship... That's the important thing.

What Barney's tryin' to tell you, son,

is make your product sound good.

Make it sound as good as you can.

Exactly.

Hey, remember them flower seeds we sold

when we were kids?

Yeah.

The ones guaranteed to bloom night and day

for six months long?

Well, people bought them up like hotcakes.

Just technique and salesmanship.

Well, I'll keep trying.

Thanks, Barney.

Just do the best you can, son.

That's all anybody can expect of you.

I will, Paw.

Bye.

Bye.

Opie's findin' out how tough it is to make a dollar.

Yeah.

You know, speaking of them flower seeds we used to sell,

I was looking through some stuff the other night,

and guess what?

I still got five packs of 'em.

No kidding. Yeah.

You know, they weren't bad- looking little flowers at that.

No. They was kinda pretty.

'Course I ain't got much use for 'em,

livin' in one room that way.

But you live in that big house.

You got all that garden space.

Ange? No.

Hi, you guys.

Hey, Ope, you hear about what happened to Trey?

Tell him, Trey. What happened?

Well, I sent back all those jars of salve

I didn't sell like I said I was going to.

Won't they take 'em back?

They took 'em back, all right, but they said

they were real disappointed in me as a salesman

and they're putting me on a blacklist.

How about that?

Gee, isn't that awful?

Wow.

What's a blacklist?

I don't know.

What's a blacklist, Trey?

I don't know.

Gee, Ope, I bet your paw would know.

Hey, yeah. Let's go ask him.

( snoring )

I think he's asleep.

I didn't know police slept.

Sure they do, but they sleep light, see.

They're alert even when they're asleep.

He'd wake up just like that if anything happened.

( clanging )

( snoring )

Well, it wasn't a real emergency.

Barney?

Barney!

Over and out. Ten-four.

Police calls.

What, uh... what can I do for you boys?

Barney, do you know where Paw is?

Well, I think he went out on a call.

Why? What can I do for you?

We wanted to ask a question.

Barney, what's a blacklist?

Well, a blacklist is where the party of the first part

won't hire the party of the second part

because of something

that the party of the second part once did

or might have done.

In other words, you can't get a job. Why?

Who's on a blacklist?

Trey.

Show him the letter, Trey.

Barney will know what to do.

Just leave it to Barney.

Wow.

What are you gonna do, Trey?

Trey doesn't know what to do,

and we're all afraid

we're gonna get on the blacklist, too,

'cause we can't sell our salve.

We were hoping you could help us.

Well, uh...

let me think about this a minute.

What was that about the party

and the second part?

Don't you see?

It means you can't get a job.

Can't get a job?

Wow.

I got to get a job.

I promised my mother I'd work for my allowance.

Wait a minute, boys, I got it.

( all yelling ): What do you got?

Hold it, hold it, hold it. How do you fight fire?

With a hose?

No. With fire.

You fight fire with fire.

They scared you with a letter.

We'll scare them back with a letter.

What kind of letter?

A lawyer letter.

What's a lawyer letter?

Sit down. I'll show you.

Come on. Here.

Write what I say.

From the office of Bernard P. Fife,

Attorney at law.

Are you an attorney at law, Barney?

No, no, no, but that'll scare 'em.

Go on, write it.

Gentlemen, my client, Mr. Trey Bowden,

has just showed me your letter of the th.

Gentlemen, just what are you trying to pull off here, anyway?

How dare you thr*aten a man like Mr. Bowden...

One of the most respected,

one of the most revered,

one of the best church-going citizens of our town.

If you don't immediately cease, desist and stop annoying him,

we will see you in a court of law.

Yours truly... Bernard P. Fife...

Attorney at law.

I don't think fighting fire with fire is gonna work.

What do you mean, it ain't gonna work?

( all arguing loudly )

BARNEY: There's the sheriff. We'll ask him.

Don't you fight fire with fire?

What?

How do you fight fire?

With a hose.

I told you, Barney.

What are you arguing about?

Trey's been blacklisted.

What?

He got this letter from the salve company.

Fight fire with fire, I say.

Oh, I see.

Well, don't worry about this, boys.

They're just tryin' to intimidate you.

It's their way of gettin' you to sell more salve.

If they send a letter to one of you

saying he's on a blacklist,

they figure that'll scare the rest of you

into selling more salve.

It's a method these fellas use.

Intimidation.

Now, you run on and don't worry about it.

Gee, thanks, Paw.

That was really helpful.

Bye.

I never saw such a clear case of intimidation.

And with a youngster.

Intimidation... pure and simple intimidation.

Well, they're just tryin' to get 'em to sell more salve.

Tryin' to scare 'em and worry 'em,

and you know what that is.

Intimidation?

Of course it's intimidation.

We oughta figure a way at getting back 'em, the crooks.

Well, I wouldn't call 'em crooks.

They're foxes maybe...

high pressure operators of a sort,

but I wouldn't call 'em crooks.

I got it! I got it.

What? You just gave me the idea.

Foxy, are they? How do you deal with a fox?

Set the dogs on 'em?

No. Trap 'em?

No. You outfox a fox.

I never tried that way.

Oh, this is a great idea.

I don't know why we didn't think of it sooner.

What? This idea of mine.

Barney... Wait till you hear it.

Now listen to this.

You and me go over to Mt. Pilot

where those guys are... No.

Now, hear me out. No.

We go over to Mt. Pilot... No.

Hear me out! You didn't listen to my idea.

I don't wanna hear your idea. Now, here's what we do...

Barney, I'm not interested

in going to Mt. Pilot.

Well, don't close your mind.

Boy, when you close your mind...

My mind's closed. My mind's closed.

I'm going on patrol.

Closed mind.

Sarah, get me Wally's Filling Station.

( ringing )

Hello.

Hey, Gome.

Barn.

How would you like to take a little drive with me

over to Mt. Pilot?

( whispering ): That's it.

Okay.

Now, Gomer, have you got everything straight?

( in normal volume ): I think so.

Keep your voice down.

You all set? ( mouthing )

What?

( whispering ): All set.

Okay. Let's go.

What can I do for you gentlemen?

We'd like to see the man in charge.

What's on your mind?

We'd like to buy some of your salve.

You want to buy some of our salve?

That's right.

Well, you gentlemen are a little too old

for a pony, aren't you?

Oh, no.

You see, it's like this.

My name is Opie Taylor Sr.,

and my little boy sent away for some of your salve.

Yeah?

Well, he got to experimentin' with it...

You know, like kids do sometimes,

so he put some on his dog.

You see, Junior's dog had the mange.

Yeah?

Well, that mange cured up over night.

Darndest thing I ever saw.

Yeah? GOMER: Yeah.

So I took some of the salve over to Dr. Pendyke here.

Dr. Pendyke's a veterinarian.

( high voice ): That is correct.

U.T. Pendyke, D.V.M.

Practice limited to small animals...

Dogs, cats, birds of all kinds, and small sheep.

Mr. Taylor Sr. here

brought me some of your ointment,

and I tried it out on six of my mangy animals.

It cured them within a -hour period...

An absolute miracle.

By the way, that's a fine name you've got

for your company, young man...

The Miracle Salve Company.

Well, thank you.

It's much better than the ointment I've been using...

Molly Harkins Mange Cure.

It is?

BARNEY: Yes. Much better.

So we thought we'd like to buy it from you

and sell it to other veterinarians or even drugstores.

N-N-Now, wait a minute, let me get this straight.

You wanna buy our salve and sell it to...

Excuse me. Lenny!

I'm sure that many of my colleagues

would be interested in your product...

Dr. Webster, Dr. Neeley.

They get a lot of mange this time of year.

W-Will you excuse me for a moment?

Lenny!

What's the matter with your voice?

That's a disguise.

How do you do that?

Takes practice.

That's good.

I wish I could do my voice like that.

A couple of fellas out there...

They say they want to buy our salve.

They say it cures the mange.

Our salve?

Yeah.

Let's go.

Leonard, these gentlemen would like to buy

some of our salve.

( deep voice ): Howdy.

My name is Opie Taylor Sr., and this is Dr. Pendyke.

LENNY: How do you do?

They'd like to get some salve from us

and sell it to veterinarians.

Oh, very good.

That's right.

Yes, we figure we could pay

your regular cents a jar

and then sell it for a little more

and make some profit for ourselves.

See, you'd be making money,

and we'd be making money...

A good deal for both of us.

Yes, that would be a fine deal,

wouldn't it, Lenny?

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, by the way,

how much of it do you have on hand?

Oh, about four or five gross.

Well, uh, that's good for a starter,

but don't you think you can get some more back

from those boys in Mayberry?

Why, certainly, certainly.

We-we'll see what we can scrape up for you.

Oh, that'd be fine.

You be sure and do that, now.

Well, I guess it's time to go, Mr. Taylor Sr.

Good day, gentlemen.

Good day. Good day.

( door shuts )

Cures the mange?

That's what they say.

You wanna know what's going to happen now?

I'll tell ya.

They're on the phone right now,

calling every veterinarian

and drugstore in the county,

telling them they got a new mange cure.

Then they're gonna go to Mayberry

and pick up every jar of salve.

How about that?

How'd you do that with your voice?

Got some pipin' hot coffee there?

Aunt Bee, Aunt Bee, look what I got!

Paw, guess what?!

I got a letter from the Miracle Salve Company,

and they want their salve back.

You don't mean it.

It says so right there, Paw.

I'm supposed to take all the salve I got

down to the post office at : .

They'll pick it up and give me a dollar for my trouble.

ANDY: Well, I'll be dogged.

Boy, oh, boy.

I don't have to sell any more of that salve.

I don't understand that.

Why would they do a thing like that?

Beats me.

Maybe they're going out of business.

I just don't understand it, Paw.

First, they were after me to sell it,

and now they want it back.

How come, you s'pose?

You got me, buddy.

Least you're out from under, huh?

Yeah.

Sit down and have your breakfast, Opie.

How many did you have? One?

Here you are.

There you are, son. There's your dollar.

Did I tell ya? Did I tell ya?

You sure did, Dr. Pendyke.

Do that voice again.

No.

Hi, Paw!

Look, I got my dollar!

I got my dollar!

Wow. Real, too.

Look there, green on one side

and gray on the other and everything.

Yeah.

What are you gonna do with it?

I don't know, Paw.

I'm gonna carry it for awhile.

Don't spend it all in one place.

Oh, I won't.

You know, you got out of that thing pretty easy.

I know, Paw.

I don't think I could have sold one more jar.

Well, I'm glad it turned out all right,

but try not to get involved in deals like that again, okay?

I won't, Paw.

You don't have to worry about that.

Good.

OPIE: Hi, Barney.

You hear what happened?

Why, no. What happened?

Those Miracle Salve people just come by

and picked up all their salve.

You don't say?

Yeah. Took back every jar

and give each one of us a dollar besides.

Paw thinks the company's going out of business.

Yeah? Maybe they just found a new use for it.

What do you mean?

Well, maybe they discovered

that it could, uh, cure the mange

or something like that,

and they want to sell it to veterinarians.

( high voice ): Right, Gome?

I still don't know how you do that.

Barney, you wouldn't know something about this, would you?

( high voice ): Well, maybe I would,

and then again, maybe I wouldn't.

What's that supposed to mean?

Andy, how do you fight fire?

What?

How do you deal with a fox?

Barney.

All right, you wanna know, I'll tell ya.

Tell him, Barney, tell him.

Yeah, I will. Do that voice for him, too.

I will. Tell him everything.

Now, don't leave out nothing.

I'll tell him. Wait till you hear this, Andy.

Are you going to tell me?

Tell him. Shut up, Gomer.

What, Barney?

Well... ( phone rings )

Sheriff's office.

Oh, hey, Aunt Bee.

I don't know, but the least you can do...

A-A-Aunt Bee, could you talk a little slower?

Just calm down, Aunt Bee.

Well, Aunt Bee, when you're yelling like that, I can't...

Listen, Aunt Bee, just-just-just take it easy,

and I'll come right home. Right.

Come on, Barney, let's go over to the house.

Somethin's got Aunt Bee awful upset.

Well, what's up? She didn't say. Come on.

Well, what's up? She didn't say.

GOMER: What's up?

She didn't say.

What's the trouble?

You come inside.

Aunt Bee, what in the world...?

What in the world is this?

jars of Miracle Salve,

payable in seven days and billed to Opie Taylor Sr.

ANDY: Opie Taylor, Sr.?

I didn't send away for it, Paw, honest.

Gosh, I was glad to get rid of what I had.

AUNT BEE: Why in the world would they send

all this salve here of all places?

And to Opie Taylor Sr.?

Who is Opie Taylor Sr.?

It didn't work

like you said it was going to, Barney.

They supposed to sell all that stuff

to veterinarians.

You was tryin' to tell me something

down at the courthouse, Barney.

You wanna tell me now?

Well, uh...

Go on, Barney. Tell him.

Might as well tell him now.

Yeah. Tell us. Tell us a lot of things.

Like how you fight fire and how you outfox the fox

and things like that.

( clears throat ): Well, well, uh...

Go on, Barn, tell him everything.

Tell him how you disguised your voice.

We went over to Mt. Pilot,

and Barney disguised his voice,

and he told 'em he was Dr. Pendyke

and that he was a veterinarian,

and he examined...

Will ya listen? Will ya just listen?

Just get this stuff out of here.

It's all over everywhere.

Now, you got yourself into this mess,

you can just get out of it... Dr. Pendyke.

Will you listen? I'm gonna get it out.

Don't worry, I'm gonna get rid of it,

but I got to plan.

You gotta give me a little time.

ANDY: Yeah, you got to plan.

I rounded up as many as I could find, Barney.

Come on in, fellers.

BARNEY: Yes, yes, come on in, boys.

Come on. Come on, Ope.

Have a seat. Everybody sit down.

Have a seat. Just take a chair.

Come on, in the back there.

Come on, sit down.

There we go.

Now, boys, I'm going to tell you

why we've asked you to come here.

Now, Sheriff Taylor knows and I know

that for a long time now, you've been trying to sell

this thing they call "Miracle Salve."

Now, we also know that you've been

under considerable pressure to sell it.

In other words, your former employers used, uh...

Intimidation.

Right, intimidation.

Now, here's the deal.

There's not going to be any more pressure.

There's not going to be any intimidation.

You just go out there and sell that Miracle Salve,

and who knows?

You just might be the one to win that pony.

How 'bout it?

Salve!

Salve!