Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Here you go.
Hey...
Something wrong?
Yes, I'll say.
You didn't ask me if I
needed anything else.
Do you see this roll
of dollar bills here?
Yeah.
This is your tip.
I've set it aside in advance.
Now here's the deal.
Every time you do
something wrong,
I take a dollar bill, see?
That way, I get decent
service. Understood?
Fair enough.
Here's my deal for you.
Every time you take
away a dollar, I do this.
That just cost
you another dollar.
There, you happy?
Your tip money's all gone.
That's just great.
'Cause I just got my own.
So, uh, how long is your
brother going to be in town?
Two weeks.
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ The troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
I would like to nominate
as the stupidest
creature on Earth
the one who awakens each day
to drive through
gridlocked traffic,
to sit in a windowless office
breathing re-circulated air,
then returns home and
collapses into a stupor...
Only to do the same
damn thing all over again
every day until he dies.
Looking forward to
that vacation, eh, Fras?
You bet. We're going to Maui.
(Sam screaming)
Still having problems
with the computer, Sammy?
No, I think I've
figured out what to do.
Kiss your keyboard good-bye.
FRASIER: Sam!
Sam, Sam, give me
the bat. Come sit down.
Now, I'm sure that Lilith
would be delighted to help you
with your computer.
She tells me she has quite
an affinity for machines.
Naturally, you could have
knocked me over with a feather.
What is it with these
machines, anyway?
Computers... faxes, voice mail.
You know, when I ran
this place in the old days,
I had everything I
needed... right up here.
Brains, Sam?
No, good hair.
Brains... (scoffs)
I'm serious, you know.
Good looks can open doors.
Good hair blows
them off their hinges.
Sammy, what are you going
to do about the computer?
Rebecca's gonna
come over here and fix it.
I just have to wait
until she shows up.
What about the auto show, Sam?
Don't you want to go
see the new models?
Ah, that's all right.
I know where they're
staying, Woody.
Uh, Sammy, we're
out of pretzels.
Oh, sorry.
Hey, we're out of pretzels.
I think that's what I meant when
I said we were out of pretzels.
Sorry I was so cryptic before.
I don't understand this.
We were supposed to
get a big shipment today.
I mean, I, ordered 20
bags from the distributor.
I even faxed it on
Rebecca's stupid fax machine.
Oh, well.
"Oh, well"?!
Sammy, there are those of
us who need their pretzels.
What am I supposed to do,
go down to the grocery
store and buy you some?
And get some Beer Nuts, too.
These are antiques.
You know, I have a yen
for some Cheese Doodles.
CLIFF: Hey, uh, Sammy,
while you're out there, will you
pick me up some cough syrup?
I've got a... little tickle.
All right, fine. I'm gonna
do this once, you guys,
but you gotta remember...
I'm supposed to be
the boss around here,
not your errand boy.
Feed my meter.
I've got those 20 bags
of cement you ordered.
What 20 bags of cement?
I ordered 20 bags of pretzels.
I faxed my order
to Amalgamated Snack Foods.
Oh yeah, we often intercept their
orders so we can push cement.
Maybe what happened is I
faxed the wrong company.
That happens all the time.
So you'll take it back for me?
Nope. You still
got to pay for it.
Good thing it
happens all the time.
Here, sign here.
I'll get the rest of it.
I've got no time to do this.
I have more important
things going on.
Thanks.
Woody, do something
with this cement.
Sure thing, Sam.
Listen, while you're
out, can you pick up
some aggregate, a water trough,
a shovel and a wheelbarrow.
Now, what am I going to build?
All right, here you
go, you clowns.
Cheese Doodles...
Beer Nuts, pretzels...
Uh, where's the
cough syrup, Sam?
Oh, I knew I forgot something.
Geez, Sammy, tickles just don't
go away by themselves, you know.
I'm sorry.
Oh, man, I know it's
going to get in my ears.
I just know it.
Sam, I believe I ordered
Cheese Doodles...
Not "Imitation
Puffed Cheese" food.
So, I got the plain wrapped.
What's the difference?
"Can also be used
as packing material."
See, it's efficient, too.
"Keep out of the
reach of children."
You know, Sammy,
you shouldn't have
to cut corners like this.
If you're having money
problems, maybe we can help.
Come here, you guys.
Listen, you, you remember
that raise I gave you guys
a couple of weeks ago?
How much does it
really mean to you?
More than my children's lives.
Okay, Carla gets
to keep her raise.
What do you say, Wood?
Well, I suppose I can put
it off a couple of months,
if it'll help.
Aw, yeah, thanks,
man, you're a brick.
In return for this concession,
I think the group medical plan
should be expanded
to include dental.
I'm just barely keeping
my head above water here.
What are you doing to me?
You're acting like
selfish, greedy leeches.
Well, why should we
work here then, huh?
Because we're family, honey.
Why is everybody treating me
like I'm the biggest
jerk on Earth?
Don't worry about
that, Sammy, okay?
You're the owner here.
You have responsibilities.
If they can't handle
that, that's their problem.
Yeah, thanks.
Can I have another beer, please?
I can't run a tab anymore.
I'm going to have
to take cash on this.
Or maybe you are the
biggest jerk on Earth.
Maybe you are!
Fine, you know, just fine.
What do you guys
want from me, huh?
Free medical plans...
Raises all around.
How about free beer and
all the pretzels you can eat?
Can I get you anything else?
Can we have "fondue night"?
No.
Not everybody likes fondue.
Hi.
Hi, Miss Howe.
Oh, Woody, you don't
work for me anymore.
You don't need to
call me "Miss Howe."
Just call me Rebecca.
Oh, hi, Rebecca. (chuckles)
"Rebecca," I kind of like that.
What do you think, Norm?
Now, now, Woody. Come on.
I'm sorry, Mr. Peterson.
It's just not me, Miss Howe.
Oh, great, there you are.
I can't stay long. I only
have a few minutes.
What's wrong with the computer?
Oh, nothing, really.
I just can't get those
little green letters
to pop up on the screen.
Well, did you try booting it up?
Yeah, I did plenty of that.
Sam, you can call me stupid,
but I think if Miss Howe
was still around here,
she could take care
of all this technical stuff.
You're stupid.
I said Sam could call
me stupid, not you.
I don't know if that's
a good idea, Woody.
I said you could call
me stupid, not my idea.
Doesn't anybody
listen around here?
You don't think I don't
want Rebecca back here
managing the bar?
I'd love it, man, but she
quit, she's never
gonna come back here.
Well, Sam, you'll never know
unless you offer her the job.
Yeah, hey, how
would you guys feel
about Rebecca
managing this place again?
Well, would it raise
the price of beer?
No.
Then what do we care?
All right, that's a good idea.
I'll offer her the job.
Oh, good. Did you find
out what was wrong?
Yeah, the disk was in backwards
and the keyboard
connection was loose.
Also, you had picked it up
and thrown it on the ground.
Wow, Rebecca, you are
so great. You've got this
real knack for managing.
What, what are you doing...
for the rest of the day?
What are you doing
for the rest of the week?
I'm going to work.
You got a job?
Yeah, didn't I tell you guys?
Yeah, and it could turn out
to be something real exciting.
Oh, wow, what're you doing?
Well, I'm in public
relations now.
Good for you. REBECCA: Yeah.
I mean, it doesn't mean
I'll never see you guys.
I can still come in
here as a customer.
Of course, with work
and all, I mean, I can't stay
for ten, 12 hours at a
stretch like you guys.
Well, that's okay, you could
be in the part-timers club.
They sit over there.
And when you're ready to
commit, you'll let us know.
Yeah. Like Phil there...
He's right on the verge.
Well, I'd better get back.
I've already been
gone ten minutes.
Ten minutes... She'll
never make the cut.
Bye-bye.
You know, it would've been
nice to have her back in the bar.
Come to think of it, you know,
how much work would
there be for her really to do?
I mean, do I really
need a manager?
I've got a truckload of
sorghum for a Sam Malone.
I didn't say I wanted sorghum.
I said I wanted "some more gum."
God, I hate voice mail.
It's not my problem. Uh...
Where do you
want me to put this?
I don't know.
What is sorghum, anyway?
Oh, it's grain, Sam.
It's used to feed livestock.
So, if I put it in a bowl,
would those guys eat it?
Are you kidding?
I was late putting out
the Beer Nuts last night
and Mr. Peterson almost
snapped off my thumb.
Fill 'em up.
Woody, this new
trail mix is great.
Yeah.
Yeah, slide another
bowl down, please.
You might want to mix a
raw egg in there, Mr. Peterson.
Makes your coat nice and shiny.
What?
(laughing): Oh, nothing.
Hey, guys, listen
up here for a second.
I want you to meet someone here.
It's your new
manager... This is Earl.
Hey, Earl. Hi, Earl.
Earl used to play
shortstop for the Cubs.
All right... one of us, huh?
You guys from Chicago?
No. They're all losers.
(sneezes)
Boy, that sounds like
a nasty cold you've
got there, son.
And still you're out
there delivering the mail?
I've got a lot of
respect for you guys.
Sammy, give this guy a raise.
Earl, get out from behind there.
Come on, have a seat.
Oh, don't sit me down at a bar.
I'll never get up. Ah...
It's either that or
go home to the wife,
and God knows I hate to do that.
Do you have the other
half of this amulet?
Looks like you've
found a home here, Earl.
Oh, well, thanks, Sam.
Why don't you find me an
apron and I'll get started here?
Holy moly! The man
handles computers,
he tends bar...
Anything you need me for, son.
Whoa! Would you...
What? What?
Catch a look at that babe there?
Where are you? Where are you?
In the poolroom, kind
of behind that pole.
Whoo! Boy, you
do have good eyes.
You sure you
played with the Cubs?
Well, guys, I... I hope I do
as well as your last manager.
You're probably going to want
to set your sights
a wee bit higher.
Come on, guys, guys,
guys. Rebecca's doing great.
Our old manager moved
on to bigger and better things.
Nothing can hurt a car
treated with Miracle Buff.
Absolutely nothing.
Watch me pour acid
on this car, and wipe it
right off!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
REBECCA: That's right.
Nothing can penetrate
the mirror-like luster
of Miracle Buff.
Not even... fire.
(panting)
You people are
just going to have
to take my word
for it this time, okay?
Ladies and gentlemen,
I have to take a break now,
but our next demonstration
will be in... one minute?!
I just get so afraid up there.
We're afraid for you.
But that's what makes
the auto show so exciting.
Hey, huh? Is this great to
cut out from work like this?
Yeah.
With Earl at the bar, you know,
we can stay here all day.
Oh, Sam, check it
out! Sheepskin covers!
What are you doing, man?
Why are you buying
all this vinyl cleaner,
leather cleaner? I
mean, sheepskin?
You don't even have a car.
I know, Sam, but
most of my furniture
comes from the interior of cars.
I've got to be
careful when I shave
because objects may be
closer than they appear.
REBECCA: Ladies and gentlemen,
the next Miracle Buff demonstration
will commence in ten seconds.
Oh, my God! Look at
that. That's Rebecca.
She's working the auto show.
Oh, wow! She does
have a great job.
She's Miss Miracle Buff.
SAM: I don't think she'd want us
to see her like this.
Just keep out of sight.
Miracle Buff, the
amazing discovery
that will make your
car's finish last a lifetime.
For safety reasons,
we can't actually
simulate a nuclear blast,
but we have already
shown that acid and fire
are no match for Miracle Buff.
Unlike human skin.
Sam, I don't think I
can keep up this pace.
I'm still dizzy from
being knocked in the face
from that airbag demonstration.
I think I'm going to go over
to the RVs and lie down.
REBECCA: Now,
you're probably all saying
to yourself, "Hey,
Miss Miracle Buff,
would the same thing
apply to..." Boiling tar?!
No way! No. Forget it.
Then you get me some oven mitts.
He won't even give
me any oven mitts.
I am making a lousy
six bucks an hour.
I mean, that will not even cover
the skin grafts!
I'm not doing this
anymore. This is it!
You're not getting
paid for this.
Look, buddy, I am carrying
a boiling bucket of tar!
It's okay. It's all
right. It's okay.
Oh, Sam, could this
all be a bad dream?
No, honey. This
is the auto show.
My friends! Thanks to my buddy
Earl's amazing cold remedy,
you are looking at the
picture of perfect health.
Every sinus cavity in
my head is clear and dry.
Well, not dry, but moist
enough to be comfortable.
Glad you're
feeling better, Cliffy.
Eh! Thank you.
Did this, uh...
particular cold...
Did this start out
with a funny taste
up in the back of your mouth?
Uh-oh! The old
acid in the adenoids.
Scratchy throat?
Yucky coating on the tongue?
Sounds like an epidemic.
My friends, I don't
want to be an alarmist,
but tonight... If
you live through it...
Is going to be the worst
night in your entire lives.
First, the cold sweats,
the pounding headache...
Cliff, I don't
want to hear this.
Don't worry, Norm.
In a few hours, your
ears will be so clogged
you won't be able
to hear anything.
Look, Clavin, you
gave us this cold,
and I'm going to get you for it.
You're not going to know
when, but I'll be there.
Don't worry, Carla.
I'll know when.
I'll hear your liquid-filled
lungs wheezing a mile away.
Hey, hey, everybody!
CARLA AND NORM: Hey, Earl.
Hey! Norm, do me
a favor, will you?
Let me know how this tastes.
It's great. What did you do?
Well, I adjusted the
pressure in the kegs,
and then I cleaned
out all the lines.
Earl, how do you
like the sound of this?
Mrs. Earl Peterson.
Come on.
Think about it. Come on.
I don't know why you guys
are falling all over
yourselves about this Earl.
So he's a nice guy. Big deal.
Uh... Carla, excuse me.
I noticed you've been
carrying your tray a little low.
Are... are your shoulders tense?
Let me just... if you
don't mind... let me just...
Oh! Oh!
That is the best
I have ever felt
without ending up with a baby.
It wasn't just the acid, Sam.
It was the fire, and
the simulated hailstorm,
and the live pigeons.
12 times a day, I
rubbed and I rubbed
and I rubbed and I rubbed.
Come on, Miss Howe. The auto
show couldn't have been that bad.
Woody, I don't have
any fingerprints left!
Sit in here and calm down.
Rebecca was working
at the auto show?
Yeah. She was Miss Miracle Buff.
Don't let the
fancy title fool you.
She was pitching snake
oil like a sideshow geek.
Woody? What did she do?
Well, as near as I could tell,
everything but bite the
head off a live chicken.
Of course, we got there late.
It's an indestructible
space-age polymer, Sam,
and it's in my hair.
Why didn't you come to us?
I mean, come on. The auto show?
Because I was ashamed,
and I really wanted
to find a good job.
Oh, honey, I know, I know.
It's just that no
corporation will hire me
because of my
involvement with Robin.
I mean, it was either that or...
or selling myself on the street.
All right, so I made
the wrong choice.
Listen. Uh...
whatever, you know?
You've got a job here
managing, if you want.
I do?
Yeah.
Oh, Sam, thank you.
I'll do a great job for you.
♪ ...jolly good fellow, for
Earl's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For Earl's a jolly
good fellow... ♪
sh**t!
I forgot about Earl.
Who is Earl?
A jolly good fellow.
Oh, I know that, Sam.
He's working here now.
He's, uh... he's
a real nice guy.
We all got close
to him real fast.
He's like a father
figure to all of us.
Are-Are you sure you gave
the auto show a chance?
Sam!
Kid, you've got the job.
You've got the
job. This is swell.
And, you know, I bet
I'll grow to love Earl
just as much as
everybody else does.
Hmm... So what do
you want me to do first?
Fire Earl.
NORM: You fired Earl!
Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm!
Sam,
did you send
this poor little lady
out here to fire me?
No.
All right, I could
never lie to you, Earl.
Yes. Yes. But don't you see?
Rebecca's our friend,
and she needs the job,
and I can't afford
to hire both of you.
I'm sure you can go out
and get a job someplace.
Well, of course I can, Sam.
I just wish you had
told me to my face
instead of handling it this way.
I'm... I'm a little
disappointed in you.
Please don't say that.
I'm more than
happy to step aside.
I understand the
importance of loyalty.
You know, I always
believe that the only way
to run a business
or a friendship
or, hell, a life,
is through loyalty and
commitment to other people.
Gee, that's just what my
father always used to say.
Ah. Your father
was right, missy.
Hey, why don't
you pick up a phone
and give him a call?
Well, so long, everybody.
Bye! Bye, Earl! Good-bye!
Well, back to work.
Sammy, that was Earl
that just walked out of here!
(all yelling)
I know, I know that, I... but
I had to hire Rebecca back.
Come on, she's our friend.
I can't afford both of
them. Don't you see?
I mean, I had to go with
the personal decision here.
I'm sorry. I just hope
you can live with it.
NORM: Wait, wait. Sam! Sam!
One question. What?
Is this going to raise
the price of beer?
No.
Then what do we care?
Welcome back, Rebecca.
♪ For she's a
jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For she's a
jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For she's a jolly good fellow...
♪ Shut up! I can't hear Daddy!