Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Okay, Rebecca,
uh, here's the deal.
I'll paint the whole office,
including woodwork,
and, uh, it'll run you...
400.
400 bucks sounds reasonable.
Oh, no, that's 400 beers.
The "B" with the
slanty line through it...
It's kind of my own
special currency.
It's a deal.
Oh, and, Norm, remember...
This time Sam wants
something really simple.
Oh, yeah. I've got
some, some choices here.
Um, I've got sand white,
uh, ivory white,
off-white,
Navajo white...
They all look just alike.
Well, they're
different. Are you sure?
Well, yeah. Of course I'm sure.
What do you think?
I'm trying to push
one color on you?
I mean, I resent that, Rebecca.
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, that one's
fine, right there.
Oh, cream white. Mm-hmm.
Excellent choice.
And, as luck would have it,
I happen to have 42
gallons of it in my garage.
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Well, good morning, Sam.
Yeah? What's good about it?
Well, you have your health,
a good business, and friends
who put up with your
violent mood swings.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
It's just... I got
some bad news.
You guys all remember the
Miss Boston Barmaid contest?
Oh, yeah.
That's the annual contest
where they try to
find the most talented
and efficient
waitress in Boston,
which... surprise, surprise...
Always turns out to be the
babe with the biggest honeydews.
Right. Well, this year
they're holding it at Cheers.
All right! All right!
No, no, no, no. No,
It's not what you think.
They changed all
the categories here.
Listen to this... speed,
efficiency, memorization,
personal warmth, courtesy.
I mean, it's like bra size
doesn't even exist anymore!
Well, Sam, they're
just trying to keep pace
with the current
social enlightenment.
I mean, how would you
like to be judged solely
on the basis of your
looks and your body alone?
I'd love it. I'd win.
The whole contest
has gone to hell.
I mean, believe me, I-I, I
really presented my case
to the contest committee.
See, I made a graph here.
Look at this. Now, these
the bust measurements
of all the winners
since 1976, and almost
to a woman, they're over a 38.
What's this one that
dips way down here?
Uh, that's the year Diane won.
It's no good. It's
just no good at all.
I think I'm gonna
write my councilman.
Oh, what am I talking about?!
My councilman's a babe, too!
God, the whole world's
crowding in on me!
Carla, you gonna try
out for this contest?
I don't think so.
Well, you heard Sam.
It's not about looks this year.
Thank you, Woody. You should
do it, Carla.
Look, I know
I'm a good waitress.
I don't need some obnoxious dork
in a cheap suit
telling me I'm the best.
But you are the best.
I just said I didn't need that.
Besides, even if I did
win, what would I get?
A lousy ten bucks and
a handshake? Well,
it says here you get a
brand new Mazda Miata.
Get out of town.
Just for doing my job?
Mm-hmm.
Oh...
I'm gonna get myself this Miata.
All right.
Yeah.
Uh! Uh-oh. Snag.
What about warmth,
personal courtesy?
What about me shoving
this brochure up your nose?
You're a shoo-in.
I couldn't help but notice,
for the last couple of days
you have just been
sitting here doing nothing.
Hi. I'm Norm Peterson.
Obviously, we haven't met.
This really bothers me.
Why?
Because, because
you have a job to do
and instead, you
are just sitting here
talking to Cliff all day long.
I mean, you're not even trying.
Rebecca, do you get Cheers?
I mean, do you
understand the concept?
I want to see some
work by the end of today.
If you can't get the job
done, I will hire a professional.
Oddly enough, that's what
Vera said on our honeymoon.
So, uh, how're you
gonna get out of this one?
Relax, Cliffy,
I got it covered.
I have a new
industrial paint sprayer.
Gets the job done
in a couple of hours.
Very clever.
Mm-hmm.
It was invented by the Japanese
so they could paint, you know,
more efficiently and quickly.
Whereas you will use
it to drink more beers,
watch more TV,
and put off everything
until the very last minute.
Right. You see,
they're way ahead of us
in technology, but they
don't have our creativity.
Hey, Doc, how do you
think I look for the contest?
Well, my goodness,
Carla, that is a jaunty bow!
Yeah.
Where did you get it?
Well...
the first job I
ever had was, uh,
at this greasy
spoon when I was 15.
There was this old
waitress there, named Cora.
She taught me everything
I know about waiting tables.
Anyway, on, uh, her last day,
the day they were carting
her off to the nursing home,
she gave me this bow.
She told me to
wear it with pride
because being a waitress
is a wonderful thing.
Carla, that's quite a story.
Now, if the judges
are as sappy as you,
I get me a new car!
(laughing)
Carla.
(clears throat)
Honey, I just want you to know
that I've got some... moral
problems with this contest.
It's not gonna get in the
way of me hoping you win.
Yeah. Well, thanks, Sam. Yeah.
Now, would you give
me my button over there?
Oh.
Here. "My name's Carla
and I love your smile."
(chuckles): Here.
Boy, you're really prepared
to go all the way for this.
Yeah. I got a button
that says that, too.
Think I should wear it?
No, no. I'd stick
with the smile thing.
Right.
Could I have some service?
Coming!
Hi. I'll be your waitress today.
How may I serve you?
I want a martini.
Dry. D-R-Y.
And that means
light on the vermouth.
And I want a
twist, not an olive.
Very well, sir.
Uh, uh, read that back to me.
I don't want any mistakes.
One martini, very dry.
You forgot the twist.
Twist it is.
I'll twist his big ears off.
Take it easy, take it easy.
He wants a very dry
martini with a twist.
What'd you do that for?
It's nothing personal.
I was just letting off steam.
Then why don't you
push Norm off his stool?
You don't know much
about physics, do you?
Don't forget the twist!
Let me see my brochure.
I gotta get a look at my car.
Oh...
Yes. (laughs)
Oh, it's worth it.
It's worth it. Yeah.
Carla, this must've
fallen out of your folder.
It says "List of Judges."
Are you kidding?
That's supposed
to be top secret.
Oh, my God.
This is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
I'm gonna know who they are.
Now all I have to do
is kiss up to the squids
on that list and
I'll be driving home
in a nice, new convertible.
All right.
Who are they, Woody?
David Murphy, Cliff Clavin
and Frank Smith.
(yells)
Now, who is Frank Smith,
and why is Carla so mad at him?
And now, on top
of everything else,
I've got this huge
headache outta nowhere.
They picked
Clavin to be a judge.
What could they
have been thinking of?
Aw, they probably want
someone, you know,
with lot of bar experience,
and he has been hanging
around here a lot, you know.
Yeah, well, so's Norm.
Why didn't they pick you, Norm?
Well, maybe they did.
I haven't opened
my mail in a while.
Once my Unemployment ran
out, all the incentive was gone.
No doubt about it,
these things were a
lot easier on all of us
when they were
just bimbo contests.
You know, if this...
this is the new age
of enlightenment,
why, why does it
hurt so many people?
Norm, I gotta ask
you a question.
All right.
You know, over the years,
I've been pretty
bad to Clavin. Mmm.
And I've done
some things that...
maybe I shouldn't have.
Mm-hmm. Called him names.
Punctured his tires.
Set fire to his hair.
What's the question?
Do you think he noticed?
(snorts)
You made this
guy eat a bug once.
Come on, that's a birthday
the guy's never gonna forget.
Okay, I'll send him flowers.
Carla, that bug laid
eggs in his stomach.
Yeah. That was kind of a bonus.
Oh... God.
I might as well just
chop this phony bow.
Aww.
You're right,
Norm. It's hopeless.
I'm never gonna win anything.
Come on. No, really.
You know, I thought
it was my turn.
I thought that,
for once in my life,
I was gonna be recognized
for being the best at what I do.
Now, because of Clavin, I
don't even get the chance.
All right, well, why
don't you try this?
Actually be nice to Cliff.
Listen to his stories.
Treat him like a friend.
(laughs): I'm sorry.
It's the beer talking.
Well, that, uh,
Paul, in a nutshell,
is the history of
Western civilization.
You were right to come to me.
I didn't come to you, Cliff.
I was, uh, waiting
to use the phone.
Go on, Cliff.
I'm listening.
I'm interested in
Western civilization.
You all right, Carla?
b*at it, lard butt!
Thank God. I thought
I was hallucinating.
Interested, huh?
Oh, yeah! That's funny.
You, uh, you never
listened to me before.
I listen to you
all the time, Cliff.
Yeah, as a matter of fact,
I often go home
and tell the kids
about this very, very
smart man at work.
Why are you so mean
to me all the time?
Mean?
Well, like when you
knocked me off that stool.
Knocked... Oh, no!
Oh, no, that was just
an affectionate nudge,
you, you old silly billy.
Well, that, that did
sort of hurt my back
a little bit. Oh...
You know, I wondered if you
might... Uh, no, never mind.
I could never ask you.
Oh, no, Cliff.
Uh, would you like me to get
you something for your back?
Some, uh, heating pad
or some Doan's Pills?
Well, well, you know a little,
uh, back rub
might help a little.
Wouldn't you rather
have a heating pad
or some Doan's Pills?
Right there between
the, uh, scapuli.
Why, uh, sure.
Oh, that feels good.
Ah! You know,
Carla, what the heck.
I'll just take off my shirt
and you can come
in the office with me
and really knead the flesh.
(makes tire squealing sound)
Okay. But if I'm not out
of there in 15 minutes,
nail that door
shut, call my kids
and tell them I d*ed
in a hideous expl*si*n.
I wouldn't want them
to know the truth.
(sighs)
How's that painting job
coming along, Norm?
Ah, swear to God,
I would be in there
painting this very moment,
but, uh, Carla's using the room.
She's giving Cliff a massage.
Oh, please!
Give me a break.
Oh, dear.
See?
Yes, I see.
Now if you could just
get the rest of that office
half as white as Cliff's
upper body, I'd be happy.
Woody, a beer for Cliff, please.
And, uh,
I have to get, four,
five, six pretzels
with the salt brushed
off just one side.
(sobbing): I touched his skin!
Oh, horror, horror!
You might pretend it's
something less repulsive.
Less, less repulsive than
Cliff's naked back?
Oh! You mean like a dead animal
lying on the side of the road
squirming with maggots?
Precisely. Visualize.
Visualize!
Yeah!
I think that can work.
Thanks, Doc.
It's only maggots.
It's only maggots.
Boy, that Carla sure is smart,
buttering up to
Mr. Clavin so she'll win.
Wish I'd had those smarts
when I was doing the county
fair circuit with my hog Maribelle.
Rule number one:
you got to schmooze.
You gotta go to
the right parties.
You gotta sell out.
I wouldn't.
So I brought
Maribelle home a loser.
It broke my heart.
How was Maribelle?
Not bad with applesauce.
Carla, you've really got
strong, peasant hands.
Thank you, Cliff.
It's really quite a
refreshing change,
you being nice to
me all of a sudden.
It's not all of a sudden.
It's like when
you're in third grade
when you tease the boy
you secretly like the most.
You mean the whole third
grade secretly liked me?
Forget it.
Wait a minute, Carla, are
you trying to say you like me?
Well...
Oh, come on, don't be shy.
Say it.
Say it so the guys can hear it.
I like you.
I said it.
Doc, I feel like
I'm gonna explode.
What should I do?
Find some way to
release the tension.
Good thinking.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, thank you. I feel
a lot better. Thank you.
Carla,
you know, you did such a
good job with the back rub,
now my feet are jealous.
Allow me.
I rubbed his feet.
I rubbed his feet!
Carla, Carla, Carla,
come on. Cut it out.
You've been washing
your hands with kerosene
for half an hour. They're clean!
No, not yet, Sam.
Get me a match.
Carla, it couldn't
have been that bad.
Like hell.
I didn't look,
but I'm sure I felt six
toes on his left foot.
If the judges will please come
forward and the contestants
will take their places,
we're ready to begin
the 53rd Annual Miss
Boston Barmaid Contest.
Uh, uh, I'll be right there.
I'm just gonna go
get the other judge.
What other judge?
Cliff Clavin.
Sorry. I don't
know a Cliff Clavin.
Well, what, what about this?
Oh, I'm sorry, miss.
That's not official.
Someone must be
having fun with you.
Hey, uh, Carla,
you still got that little brush?
Uh, you left a couple of
crumbs on my mustache.
You know, Cliff, uh, I think
you, uh, ought to
keep those crumbs.
They're gonna need
'em to identify your body.
You set me up!
You put your name on that list
just so that I would
be nice to you!
EMCEE: Contestant number one?
(sweetly): Yes?
If you'll take your place
with the other
contestants we can begin.
(groans)
I have to go be in
the contest now, Cliff.
Why don't you make
your peace with God?
Are you nuts?!
Did you think you were gonna
actually get away with that?
You know you're
dead now, don't you?
Eh, I know, Norm.
Some men have a mission.
Uh, guys climb Mount Everest.
Other guys walk on the moon.
Yeah, either of those
would be a pretty good
hiding place for you right now.
I topped them all, yessiree.
I had Carla rub my bare feet.
I'm gonna have that
etched on my tombstone.
You can start working
on it just about now.
Contestant number
one, you're first.
Our first category will be
speed followed by memorization,
personal warmth,
courtesy and drink knowledge.
SAM (high voice): What
about the bikini round?
We're well aware of
your views, Mr. Malone.
And now let the contest begin.
EMCEE: Thank
you. Very nicely done.
That concludes our competition.
As the judges tally their votes,
let's have a big
round of applause
for all of our contestants.
Sammy, You did great.
Oh, Sammy, I've
really got a sh*t at this.
Yeah.
You know, I hate to admit it,
but I think it might be
because of you, Clavin.
What do you mean?
Well, I took all that energy
I was gonna use to k*ll you,
and I put it into doing
the best job I could.
Oh, yeah, yeah, well,
then my secret
strategy worked, huh?
Well, I hope you
enjoy the car, Carla.
And, uh, just remember
who made it all possible.
EMCEE: If the contestants
will please be seated.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a winner.
Oh, it's me, it's
me, it's me, I feel it!
The proud owner of a
brand-new 1991 convertible,
and our new Miss
Boston Barmaid is...
Miss Shawnee Wilson!
But she spilled all the drinks.
Who cares? Look at her.
I won! I won! I won!
I won! I won! I won!
No, no, you won!
I won! I won! I won!
And let's not forget our
Miss Congeniality award.
It goes to contestant number
one, Cheers' own Carla.
That's quite a big trophy, miss.
I hope you have room for it.
I'll make room.
Mr. Mailman!
Oh, look out!
I'm so happy you
won that contest.
You know, it just shows
that the world
hasn't gone crazy.
That, you know,
deep, deep inside,
people are basically good.
That they can see through
the rules and the regulations,
you know, and pick
out the inner diamond.
I won the shiny red car.
I know you did, honey!
Woody, where's Norm?
Is he in the bathroom?
No.
Is he putting
money in the meter?
No.
Don't tell me he is actually...
(bang, hissing sound)
NORM: Whoa!
(hissing stops)
Relax.
It-it-it dries much lighter.