01x22 - Kisses & Basketball

[bunniefuu]

Woman: Whoo!

Yeah!

Tapeworm! Outlet!

Yeah! That's my son!

[Clears throat]

And that's my other son.

He's great in math.

Thank you.

Hey, great sh*t, dude.
Great pass, dude.

What can I say?
We're great.

Time out.

Yaah!
Is the game over?

There's seconds left,
and we're down by one.

Just one more basket,
and we're in the finals.

This is exciting.
It's riveting.

They couldn't write
stuff like this.

I know.
I've got goose bumps.

Yeah. Me, too.

Are you girls done?

We need a surefire play,
or we're going to lose.

Ok, I got it.

I drew this up while you
guys were running around.

Arwin, what is that?

Sorry. That's
my game of hangman.

It--aardvark!

b*at the noose again.

Why don't we just set up the
pick-and-roll from the high post?

Zack rolls to the basket, kisses
it off the glass, and we win.

Great.
Let's tell the coach.

You are the coach.

Right. Why am I here again?

Because we needed a grownup, and you're
the closest thing we could find.

Gotcha.

What do you want me
to do, coach?

What have you
been doing so far?

Sitting on the bench.

Keep it up, 'cause if you
go away, I'll be lonely.

Ok, teamwork on .
Ready?

, , ...
Teamwork!

Go get 'em, Zack!

[Horn blares]

We did it! We did it!

Ooh, you did it.

♪ Here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me
got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you
know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me
and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place
to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me,
we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

London, didn't you just
go shopping this morning?

Yeah, but that stuff
is so out of date.

It's so... A.M.

Speaking of
all-day shopping,

I just received
a fax from your father.

He feels you've been
spending too much money.

Oh, that's ridiculous.
I'm saving him money.

Ivana's contact lenses--
second pair free.

London, I'm afraid
your father is adamant.

I thought
his name was wilfred.

Yes, it is.

What I'm saying is

that he wants you to limit yourself
to just buying the necessities.

Good luck with that.

You know, your dad seems
pretty serious this time.

What makes you think that?

Well, he's capitalized
and underlined "disinherit."

The "d" word?

Don't worry, snookums. Mommy
won't let that happen to you.

Oh, please. You couldn't go
an hour without shopping.

I can so.
I can do anything.

After all, I am
the daughter of adamant tipton.

Wilfred.
Whatever.

Congratulations, everyone.
You had a great game.

This cake
is excellent, Carey.

You're a great cook.

Actually, I bought it.

You're a great
buyer of cakes.

I'm gonna try
some now.

I'm not hungry.

Yeah, me neither.

What's going on
with them?

Isn't it obvious?

They're not hungry.

I'll tell you
what's really going on.

♪ Zack kissed a girl ♪

♪ Zack kissed a girl ♪

It wasn't a girl.
It was Max.

And I didn't kiss her.
She kissed me.

Max: It wasn't a kiss.

You had a big bug on your
mouth, and I k*lled it...

With my lips.

♪ Zack kissed a girl ♪

♪ Zack kissed a girl ♪
boys, that is so immature.

♪ Zack kissed a girl ♪

♪ he kissed a girl,
a female, a female ♪

Cake makes me crazy.

[Humming]

London.
Hmm?

Where have you been?

Nowhere.

Really?
Really.

Because you seem to be
coming from somewhere.

Like a store maybe.

I was just out for a stroll,
getting some fresh air,

enjoying nature.

After all, the best
things in life are free.

Spread 'em, toots.

You're clean.
Told ya.

Whoa.

Ok, you're free to go.

And you're free to admit
that you were wrong.

It's been an hour,
and I haven't bought a thing.

[Arf arf]

Bad dog.
I said no shopping.

That dog has
a serious problem.

Oh, you are so busted.

It's just there are so many
beautiful things out there to buy.

How can you
possibly resist them?

I have no money.

Well, some of us
aren't that lucky.

Well, you will be when
your daddy disinherits you.

Help me!

Ok. People
are staring.

Please, please, please.
All right. I'll help you.

Give me your credit cards.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Take care of my babies.

They like to be
taken out twice a day.

Ohh!

Max, over here.

Got it.

Great job, Cody.
Way not to break anything.

I hope, 'cause I haven't
filled out those forms yet.

This is supposed to be
a -on- drill.

Why didn't you
pass it to me?

You weren't looking.

Yes, I was,
so pass me the ball.

[Groans]

Happy now?

As a clam.

Hey, if you guys don't
pull it together,

we don't stand a chance of
winning that championship.

And do you know
what that means?

We get
the little trophies?

But we want
the big trophies,

which we won't get
unless she passes it to me.

Well, she's gonna
pass you right now.

Where are you going?

To the shower.
The girls shower.

Since I'm a girl.

What's her problem?

You said she
wasn't a girl.

Girls don't like that.

Ya think?

Look, lover boy, you caused this problem.
You fix it.

How?
Ask her on a date.

No way. I'm not
taking Max on a date.

This isn't about you.

It's about winning
the championship.

You're just gonna have
to take one for the team.

Can't I just let her keep hitting
me in the gut with the ball?

I forgot my bag.

Ask her out now.

What do I say?

Tell her she
smells nice.

You smell nice.

What are you wearing?

Sweat.

I haven't even
showered yet, sicko.

Well, I was
just wondering...

Why you were such a doofus.

No, but that's
a good one.

Wait.

Do you wanna go out?

You know,
after you take a shower.

You mean, like a date?

No. Not at all.

Well, yeah. Yeah,
it's pretty much what you said.

Really?

If you want to.

Ok.

I hope you're happy.

I am.
Me, too.

I just calculated the proper angle
and trajectory of the flight path

so that the ball will go in
every single time.

[Exhales]

Hate it. Hate it.
Hate it more.

What was I thinking?

Maddie: London!

I'm in here.

Shut up.

This is your closet?
Well, part of it.

This is just
my spring clothes.

This place is huge.

["Huge" echoes]

You called me times.
What's the emergency?

I need my credit cards.

Ok, the whole point of
my keeping your credit cards

is so you don't use them.

Yeah, I know. That's
not working for me.

I'm going to a party
tomorrow night,

and I've got
nothing to wear.

Well, what about this?
It's brand-new.

Oh, that hideous thing?

I just bought that
so someone else couldn't.

London, you've got
a real problem.

No, I don't.

I just remembered I have
store credit at Pierre couture,

and they're on speed dial.

Drop that phone.

Not gonna happen.

London, drop it.

I just need
one little thing.

No.
Shoes. Just shoes.

No.

One shoe.
Not even.

A shoelace.
No.

That little piece of plastic
at the end of the shoelace

that nobody knows
what it's called.

You mean an aglet?
Yeah.

No.

London, do you see
what you're doing?

I've hit rock bottom.

Well, maybe that's the place
you need to get to.

Maybe you're right.

But I don't like
rock bottom.

It's so...Rock bottomy.

Tell you what.

Why don't we cheer up
with a cup of cappuccino?

I think I'm out of beans.
There's more in the kitchen.

You have a kitchen
in your closet?

The attendant will
show you where it is.

[Cell phone rings]

Hello.

Oh, hi, daddy.

No. I haven't bought
anything in a whole day.

So when I see you
at the beach house this weekend,

I'll be wearing
last month's suit.

Oh, you can't?

Oh, no, of course
I understand.

It's not a hostile takeover
if you're not there.

And you're so good
at being hostile.

Ok. Another time.

Ok, I found the beans
and the solid-gold cups.

I just can't find
the--London.

London!

["London" echoes]

So, is this
someone special?

Nah. Just someone
I play basketball with.

She's kind of
got a crush on me.

So I assume she'll be wearing
shorts and carrying a basketball.

Probably.

Or not.

Take this from someone
who cares about you.

She is so out
of your league.

Hi.

Stand. Stand.

Hi.

Mademoiselle.

Tonight's special
is chicken fingers.

They come
with curly fries

and a free ice cream
shaped like a clown.

Is it modeled after you?

She's lovely.

Sorry I'm late.

I just couldn't decide
what to wear.

Is it too girly?

No. It's...

Wow.

And your hair is so...

Wow.

Thanks.

Why don't we order dinner

while you think
of some real adjectives.

Ok.

Wide left.

You didn't account
for the wind.

Check this out.

I'd be angrier if I
hadn't spit in your food.

Psych.

Missed me.

♪ Nah-nah ♪

♪ nah ♪

Do you know what? This has
been really fun. Mm-hmm.

I can't believe the guys had to
force me to go out with you.

Wait. Force?

It's just that I never would've
thought about doing this

until the guys said I had
to take one for the team.

So dating me is just
taking one for the team?

No.

I mean--I mean yes,
but in a good way.

Well, here's something I hope
you take in a good way.

What are you doing?

You're right.
Forgot the nose.

I assume you'll be
needing the check.

And some big shoes.

Meep-meep-meep!

Oh. All right.

I don't want money.

I want to spend it!
And I was drinking that!

London, I've been looking all over for you.
Give me my purse.

I am not giving you
back my credit cards.

I don't care about your credit cards.
Give me my inhaler.

Did you know
stores close at night?

Where do all
the salespeople go?

Do they only think
of themselves?

I came back, and you were gone.
What happened?

Nothing. I was waiting
for you to come back.

My father called,
we chatted,

and somehow I ended up
in front of the store.

Well, what did
your father say?

Something about
a hostile takeover

and how he can't make it to
the beach house this weekend.

So he disappointed you.

I'm not disappointed.

Man, I need
that tennis bracelet.

London, think back.

How did you feel after you
talked to your father?

Sort of...Bad.

Ok, good.
Go with that.

I guess I did
feel disappointed,

hurt,

crushed,

unimportant,

valueless, cheap.

Like those shoes
you're wearing.

Won't these doors
ever open?

London, do you see
what's going on here?

When you're feeling sad, you
make up for it by buying things.

I do?
Yeah.

Maybe you're right.

That would explain
the ponies I bought

when daddy missed
my tenth birthday.

?
Do you need a pony?

No. I'm good.

The real question is,
are you ok?

I guess so.

But does this mean
I'll never shop again?

No. It just means you won't
shop for the wrong reasons.

Thanks, maddie.

Oh. Come on.
Walk away from the jewelry.

There is nothing
in that store that you need.

You're right.

I was just looking at the pair of diamond
earrings I was gonna buy for you.

Open up! I know there
are people in there.

Don't pretend you can't
hear me. Open up!

Open up!

Ok, where's Max?

She and Zack had a fight,
and no one's seen her since.

That's ok. That's ok.
One person does not make a team.

You guys have worked
long and hard.

I know you can pick up the
slack and win this game, huh?

Hi, guys.
Thank goodness you're here!

We couldn't have done it
without you. Hah!

We didn't think that
you were going to show up.

It's the championship game.
Why wouldn't I show up?

'Cause Zack went on a pity date
with you and you found out.

Ohh!

I got to stretch.
Feeling tight.

Look, I'm not gonna
let doofus here

get in the way of our
winning the championship.

[Buzzer sounds]

Ok, kids, let's get
in here. All right.

All right, guys, let's get
out there and kick some--

ahem.
Fun.

Ok, teamwork on .

, , ...
Teamwork!

Mm-mmm. Not you.

[Crowd groans]

[Crowd groans]

[Buzzer sounds]

We're only down by , and we
haven't been playing our best.

Zack. I don't want to
single anybody out.

Got to get our heads in the game.
Right, Zack?

Can't we just talk?
No.

Maybe you should focus less on
talking and more on playing.

I haven't spent months getting
butt blisters just to watch us lose.

Ok. We're gonna
keep focused

and just...
[Inhales]

Remain calm.

[Buzzer sounds]

Aah! Aah-aah!

I can never get
used to that.

Cody, check in.
In where?

In the game.

I can't go out there.
They're playing.

I know. I need you
to go in for your brother.

You couldn't possibly play
any worse than he is.

Just watch me.

What's the matter, honey?
Got to go potty?

Mom, I'm going in the game.

I get to wash
uniforms tonight. Smile.

Hi, Max.

No. That means
run play .

Oh, that's the one where you fake
it to me and give it to tapeworm.

Ok, play .

Cody.

Basket.
Huh?

Yeah!

Ok, get in here.

All right, Zack, Cody's hurt, and
we need you back in the game.

I don't want him back in the game.
I'd rather have dizzy here.

Ok, Max, Zack,

I may not know
a lot about basketball,

but I know a little
something about people.

Ok, I know nothing
about people.

But I do know
a lot about machines.

And when cogs aren't
meshing, it sounds like this.

[Imitating grinding]

But when cogs are meshing,
it sounds like this.

[Sings high note]

Ok.

Now, you cogs fix it.
Everyone else clear out.

You got seconds.
, ...

Arwin.
Sorry.

I'm sorry about
what happened at dinner.

You mean the way you
pretended to like me?

I mean like me, like me
just so I would play well.

I wasn't pretending.
Well, at first I was.

But then I saw how pretty you
looked and how much fun we had,

and I realized I do
like you, like you, like you.

Well, now I don't like you
or like you, like you.

At all?
Well, I did.

But the like you, liking you
made me not like you.

seconds.

Well, that stinks, because we used
to have a great time together.

Video games, spitballs,

the time we put worms
in Cody's pillows.

Look, is there any way we can
just pretend this didn't happen

and go back
to being friends?

Yeah. Friends.

Good. One bucket, and we
have the championship, dude.

Let's do it, dude.

[Buzzer sounds]

All right, you hear that?
You hear that?

[Sings high note]

Let's bring it.

Go, team! Whoo!

Let's go, defense!

[Buzzer sounds]

Whoo!

Whoo! Congratulations!

[Sings high note]