02x11 - Twins at the Tipton

[bunniefuu]

"The tipton
welcomes twins"?

Well, well, well.

Nice to see we're finally
being appreciated around here.

What would really
make us feel welcome

is unlimited movies
and desserts.

Ooh! And a room with a hot tub
wouldn't be bad, either.

You know what
would be better?

You two moving
to Guatemala.

We happen to be having a twin
convention this weekend,

and I expect you to make
yourselves scarce.

But we're twins.

You can't keep us
from our peeps.

Wow.

So this is what we look
like to other people.

It's kinda creepy.

You have no idea.

Ooh! Look at that cute
girl over there.

Ooh! And there she is
again!

One for each of us.

I already have a girl.

My beautiful Irma.

Your beautiful Irma
happens to have

more hair on her
upper lip than you do.

It's an unfortunate
series of moles.

No, it's hair.

Moles!
Hair.

Moles!
Hair.

Moles!
Hairy moles.

Aah! Ooohhh!

Uhh!

[Groans]

I landed on my "a".

♪ Here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have the suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me,
we got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you
know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me
and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place
to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me,
we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

Hey, mom!

What do you think
of this outfit?

Does this shirt
go with these pants?

Who am I kidding?
This doesn't match.

I have to change.
Thanks, mom.

I'm here to help.

What a loser.

Say what you want, Zack,

but one of you has
a date tonight

while the other one
is watching...

World's funniest
truck collisions.

Hello?! World's funniest.

Mom!

World's funniest
until I saw that.

I can't decide
what to wear.

Well, here's a thought:
How about some pants?

Come on.

[Trucks crash on tv]

[Both laugh]

Gold.
Yeah.

[Knock on door]
Come in.

I love visiting
you guys.

The doorman always
calls me "sir."

I hope you don't mind,

but I'll still
call you "sir doofus."

Oh, I'm about to make fun of
Cody before his date,

and it's always nice
to have backup.

Actually, I'm here because
Cody doesn't have a date.

Irma postponed it.

Until when?

Well, when I say "postponed,"
I mean "dumped."

She dumped him?

Oh, man! This is going
to crush him.

Let me handle this.

This has got to be done
very gently.

Hey, Cody!
Welcome to the club.

What club?

"The guys who aren't dating
Irma" club.

That's your idea
of gentle?

Hey, I didn't kick him.

You're lying.

I got it directly
from the source.

Irma told Kim who told
Phil who told Ashley

who told Brenda who told
Dylan who told Cole

who told me.

[Catching breath]
It's over.

But why?
What happened?

She got back together
with her camp boyfriend.

No! Not joaquin!

The one with
the -speed bike

and the puka shell
necklace!

This is horrible.

Ok, buddy, this was
a tough break,

but there are lots
of fish in the sea.

[Crying]
I don't want a fish!

I want Irma!

Come on.

With whiskers
like those,

she looks like
a catfish.

Moseby,
something's wrong.

I'm seeing double.

We're having
a twin convention.

Everyone here is a twin,
like Zack and Cody.

Zack and Cody are twins?

Since when?

Oh, about months ago.

Oh! Oh!

We should tell them
about the convention.

Both: Sorry. Excuse me.

Both:
Sorry. Excuse me

ok. You go right,
I'll go left.

Which way's my right?

"I write with
my right hand--"

this one! This one!

You two are
the perfect couple.

Thanks!

I'm London--
like the city.

I'm kirk--
like the captain.

Well, captain...

I'd love to stay
and talk,

but I have to have
a facial for my "fashe."

Face.

Feel free
to watch me leave.

[Growls]

This hotel is boring.

Yeah.

Hey, dab.

What?
Go long.

Ok.

I got it!

I got it!
I got it!

Touchdown!
Whoa!

Ha ha ha ha!
Great toss, ab.

Both: Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay!

Look out!
Coming through!

Hurry up, old man,
you're slowing me down.

Man, who do those guys
remind me of?

Got me.

[English accent] Excuse me, please.
I'm Jessica.

Have you by any chance

seen someone who looks
exactly like me?

Yeah! Last night...

In my dreams.

Last night, I dreamt
that I was being devoured

by ferocious hamsters.

Turns out it was just my little
brother nibbling on my toes.

Ok. Ciao.

I just met him.

Excuse me. Can I get
a chocolate bar, please?

You can have
anything you want.

I want a chocolate bar,
please.

You're a man with a purpose.

I like that.

So, are you a twin?

Yeah. Are you?

No. My parents
are old-fashioned.

They like to make 'em
one at a time.

How about I show you one of
Boston's most elegant restaurants?

Ever had a -meat pizza?

That sounds
intriguing...

Or disgusting.

It's both.

So, how about it?

Thanks, but...

I don't go anywhere
without my sister Janice.

No problem.

I'll take my vitamins.

I meant could you bring
your brother?

That's another way to go.

So, do you think your
brother would be into it?

Oh...Yeah, definitely.

He's a party animal.
Nonstop fun.

[Crying]

Cody, do you want
to take a break?

No. Cleaning helps me
forget about...

Irma.

Oh. Well, in that case,
the bathroom's a mess.

Dude! Good news!
I got you a date!

With Irma?
No, better.

I hooked us up with
gorgeous English twins.

We're going on a date
tomorrow night.

No.

But--come on. This is
the best thing that's--

it's too soon to start
dating again.

It's been a whole hour.

How much time do you need?

Until he's done
with the bathroom.

Come on.
Do it for me.

No. And because you're
going to ask again...

No...Again.

Zack, I think you're
being very insensitive

to your brother's feelings.

You shouldn't use him for
your own selfish agenda.

Don't forget
to pre-soak, honey.

What are you looking for?

Not a what, a who.
A hot who.

You met a hot who? How?
Here.

I met a hot who, too.

Both: There he is!

That's your cute guy?

That's my cute guy!
Tell her!

Wow. Did you guys
rehearse?

Both: No!

Kirk, tell maddie you came
over here to ask me out.

Actually, I just came for
another chocolate bar.

But if you two want
to go out,

I could ask my twin brother?

That could work.

Oh, you guys will
love dirk. He's smart.

Oh! I'll take him.
I'll get him.

Hey, this worked
out great.

Yeah, there's a good-looking
smart one for me

and a good-looking...
Other one for you.

There he is.

Where?

Is he behind
the funny-looking guy?

He is
a funny-looking guy.

Thanks.

We're fraternal twins.

No, you're not.

You don't look
anything alike.

That's what fraternal means.

Ooh! He is
the smart one.

Have fun!

Hey! I just polished
that table.

Whoa!

Oh, and I waxed the floor.

Dude, look at you.

The suite is clean,
but you're a mess.

You need to get back
out there.

But you might want to
take off the apron first.

I told you I'm not ready.

I understand.

Only time can mend
a broken heart.

Thank you.

You got minutes...

Because that's when
Jessica and Janice

are gonna be here
for our date.

What part of "not going"
don't you understand?

The "not" part.

Dude, they're twins!

Gorgeous twins...

On vacation!

What they do in Boston
stays in Boston.

I can't cheat on Irma.

She's cheating on you.

You gonna
stay here scrubbing

while she's twirling
joaquin's puka shells?

I don't know.
Maybe you're right.

Maybe?

These girls have
British accents!

Even when the dump you
it'll sound great.

Which they won't because
you're one terrific guy.

Ok.

Ok. I think I can
do this.

Atta boy.
You're the bounce-back kid.

I'm the bounce-back kid!

And you're going
out tonight.

I'm going out tonight!

And you're gonna have fun.

I'm gonna have fun!

[Knock on door]
That's the girls.

Irma used to knock
just like that.

Irma!

Wow. This time he didn't
even make it to the couch.

This double-date
is gonna be so much fun.

Patrick always gives me
a great table.

Table for , please.

Ooh! I see why Patrick
drives a foreign sports car.

Moseby, where's Patrick?

He crashed his
foreign sports car.

Why isn't rich
filling in for him?

Rich is the one
he crashed into.

What about Gary? Gary got
hit by the ambulance.

This way.

This isn't fair.

Why do I get
the goofus twin?

You picked him.

Before I saw him.

He's not that bad.

His shirt was sticking
out of his fly!

Maybe that's the style now.

Yeah...In goofusville!

Look, aren't you the one
who always says

"you can't judge a book
by its cover"?

Yeah, yeah.

Aren't you the one
who always says

"if you look down deep,

you can always find something
nice about someone"?

Yeah, yeah.

Aren't you the one
who always says--

yeah, yeah, ok,
I'm the one.

Hey, girls.
You look great.

Both: Thanks!

Wow. You are really
good at that.

Ok. So kirk and I sit here,

and you guys sit
way over there.

[Giggles]

So, dirk,

do you, uh,
have any hobbies?

Taxidermy.

I like to stuff
dead things.

Who...Doesn't?

I also read
medical journals.

Did you know that hairs fall
out of your head every day?

Um, can we not talk about hair...
Unless it's mine?

Sure. We can talk
about skin.

Did you know that the dust under
your bed is mostly dead skin?

Ok. Who's hungry?

So, kirk, do you see
anything you like?

Oh, definitely.

The steak is really
great here.

Did you know that
it takes hours

for meat to move through
your intestines

so the bile can churn up
the gastric acid?

I think I'll have
a salad.

Did you know--

everyone in restaurant:
Don't care!

We take each other's places
all the time.

All the time!

Like, remember when--

oh, yes!
That was brilliant!

What about the time--
with the hat?

And the parrot?
That was the best!

You know, we've had some
wild times, too.

Haven't we, codster?
No.

Your brother seems
a tad depressed.

More like a smidge.

It is more like
a smidge.

But still sad.

Oh, yes, definitely sad.

Oh, he's not sad...

Are you, Cody?

No. No.
I'm fine.

Never been better.

[Crying]
Cheese stick?

You know, Cody,

it's not good to keep
things bottled up.

Not good at all.

Bad, really.
Really bad.

[British accent]
Oh, not really.

It's ok, Cody.

Tell us.
Yes, do tell.

No. I don't wanna bring
anyone down.

Good thinking.
It's Irma.

Way to hold out.

Who's Irma?

His gerbil.

She went to the big
squeaky wheel in the sky.

How sad.
Really sad.

Well, I'm gonna run
to the loo.

And when I get back...

You better be happy.

Don't worry.
I'm upbeat.

I'm borderline perky.

I'm not even thinking
of...Irma.

You could always get
another gerbil.

But this time
I'd get two.

Just in case.

[Weeps]

Irma was my girlfriend!

You were dating a gerbil?

Well, to each
his own.

Strange country,
America.

No! She was a person!

Zack just said
she was a gerbil

because he didn't want me
to ruin his date.

Both: Aww!

She just broke up
with me yesterday.

Yesterday?
You poor thing!

You poor, poor thing.

After I broke up with Troy,
I wept for a month.

I told you not to go out
with an older man.

He was - / .

You went out with Ronald
and he was .

Yes, but he was
short for his age.

I miss Irma.

I miss Troy.
I miss Ronald.

So, everyone having
a good time?

[Crying]
[Crying]

Hope you gentlemen are
enjoying your steaks.

We're not having steak.

No, we're having
seafood.

Seafood?

Yeah. See?
Food.

Aaahhh!
Aaahhh!

[Laughs]

Wow. This pasta
is fantastic.

Oh! Try some of mine!

No thanks. I don't feel
like sharing.

I wasn't offering.

But you can have
my baked potato.

Don't you want any?

No. I feel like I can still
taste the fertilizer.

Did you know it takes
bags of cow manure

to grow one bag
of potatoes?

Can we please talk about something
that doesn't make me...

Oh, I don't know...Gag?

Actually, gagging is good.

It heaves up old mucus
that's just caked with bacteria.

London, may I have
a word with you, please?

This is the worst--

this is the worst
date of my life! I'm leaving!

You can't!
He's not that bad.

He scratched his back
with a fork...

And then he used it!

You guys are talking
about me, aren't you?

No.

Actually, she was hoping
you'd follow her out.

See, maddie? It worked.
Tootles.

Look, dirk--

you don't have
to say it.

I know this has been
a lousy dinner for you.

I mean...I'm no kirk.

I'm not handsome. I'm not charming.
I'm not funny.

Feel free to disagree.

Hey, that was
kinda funny.

So you think there's
hope for me?

Of course.

Look, you're obviously smart.

And you know more about
bodily secretions

than any boy
I have ever met.

Someday, you're gonna
make a great doctor.

Oh, I don't want
to be a doctor.

I want to be
a male model.

Really?
Gotcha!

See? You're not so bad
once you loosen up.

Thanks, maddie.
You're awesome.

I know.

There's this girl
I met tonight

that I'd really like
a second chance with.

Think she might
be interested?

She might be.

Great! 'Cause I'm nuts
about London.

Can you distract kirk
so I can ask her out?

I think she's really hot!

And I like 'em
dumb and rich.

Well, I know London
likes them rude and soggy.

Did you know...

You're soaking wet?

Maddie!
Why'd you do that?

He wanted me to help him
land another girl.

What a jerk!
Yeah, it was you.

Well, at least
he's got good taste.

There, there, sweetie.
Cry on my shoulder.

He's crying on
my shoulder.

He has eyes,
doesn't he?

So, who's up for some
video games?

How can you play video games
when your brother's in pain?

Cody needs comforting.
We're here for him.

We think it's wonderful to see a
boy who expresses his emotions.

Only a real man
is not afraid to cry.

Well, I'm not afraid to cry.

I--I cry at puppies
and rainbows.

Oh, and I watch the women's
channel all the time.

When Rachel broke up
with guillermo

for the one-legged
tennis player...

I blubbered like a baby.

Poor guillermo.

I need a moment.

Come on, Cody. Why don't
we go to the cinema?

Jessica: Our treat.

Well, it might
help me forget.

Wait! Wait!

Look! I'm an emotional wreck!

See?

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
That was soda!

Ow! Ow! Hey, look!
Real tears!

And then I get back

and they're all crying
into their pizza.

Well, honey, I'm sorry
your date was ruined,

but you got
what you deserved.

Is there no shoulder
for me to cry on?

You pushed you brother
to go out before he was ready

just so you could
have fun.

It's gonna be a long time before
he's comfortable around girls.

[All laughing]

I had a wonderful time,
ladies.

Don't forget. See you
tomorrow for breakfast.

Tea and scones.

Pip, pip! Cheerio!
Ta-ta! Peace out!

Yes!

Zack, I can't
thank you enough.

If you hadn't told me
to get back out there,

I'd be sitting here alone
and so depressed.

♪ Rue britannia,
britannia rue the... ♪

[Whistling rue britannia]

[Stops whistling]

Sorry.