03x05 - Who's The Boss

[bunniefuu]

Zack, welcome to
the paul revere team.

Wear your hat
with pride.

I'm not sure
that's possible.

Now, cody's
our senior bag boy.

You can learn
a lot from him.

Just do
whatever he does.

You mean like
moisturize before bed?

Ha ha!

Heh heh. Heh.
Heh. Heh. Heh.

I'll have the last laugh
when you're and you
look like a prune.

Speaking of which,

You know, wayne,
we forgot

To put zack through
the initiation ritual.

Oh, that's right.

New employees have
to drink prune juice
mixed with fish oil.

I'm not doin' that.

Ok.

B-but you
made me do it.

You said it was
an established
tradition.

Well, yeah. I've been
trying to establish it
for years.

You were the first person
stupid enough to do it.

♪ here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me,
we got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you
know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me
and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place
to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me,
we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

Ohh! What is this?

Hey, mr. Moseby.

Aah!
Ohh.

[clears throat]
guess what.

I have
a new invention.

Oh, dear.

Ta-da!

Ha ha!

Arwin.

Oh.
Arwin!

[sputters]

Yeah. Ta-da...

Again.

It's a, uh,
letter-sorting machine.

It's got a microchip
in it that reads

Each envelope
and then promptly

sh**t it into the
appropriate cubby.

Oh, dear.

Here we go.
[clears throat]

[lowers voice]
, ...

--
arwin!

, , .

[whirring]

Arwin--
oh, no.

It's just moving--
why's--

Whoa!

Help me.

[screaming]

Aah!

Ohh! I got it, moseby! Hah!

Hey, mr. Moseby, look.

Airmail!

Hit the red button!

There is
no red button!

Oops.

Ohh!

Ah? Huh?

Huh?
"mr. Marion moseby."

Ooh, could I
call you mary?

Would you stop it?
I'm sorry.

[groans]

Ohh! Someone please
clean up my lobby.

Tiffany, are you and
your boyfriend coming

To my yacht party
this weekend?

No. My boyfriend
winthrop barrington
and I

Are going skiing
this weekend.

We'll be staying
at the barrington resort

At barrington mountain
in barringtonia.

Oh. I would've invited you,
but you don't
have a boyfriend,

And I didn't want you
to feel bad...

Because you don't
have a boyfriend.

Actually, I do
have a boyfriend.

His name is lance.

Hey, london, check out
my new goggles.

Ok, that hurt.

Who's the goofball?

He's my...

Pool boy. Oh,
look at the time.

You two must
get going.

Thanks for coming.

Ok.
Ok.

Bye. Thanks.
Bye.
Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Ok, bye.

Hey, how come you
never introduce me
to your friends?

I introduced you to mine.

Look, trust me,
you wouldn't like
my friends.

I'm not a big fan
myself.

Something's
a little fishy here,

And not in the good way.

I think you don't want
your friends to meet me.

Ah, pfft! Puhh!
Oh, please.

Look, I'll call one
of them right now.

Hey, this is london.

I just wanna
introduce you to
my boyfriend lance.

Um, hi.
It's nice to finally meet
one of london's friends.

Lance, it's maddie.
We've met.

It's maddie.

She doesn't count.

Maddie: Hello!

I can hear you.

I wanna meet
your other friends,

The rich, high-society ones
that have different noses
every time I see them.

Fine. If it's
that important to you,

I'll invite them over
for tea.

Look, just promise
you won't say

Anything embarrassing
like maddie does.

Maddie: Still here.

Did you just
call to insult me?

Thanks, sweetie.
You're the best.

Eee-ee-ee-ee.

That's "I love you"
in dolphin.

[sighs] I think
that's the sweetest thing
I've ever heard.

I think I'm gonna
upchuck on a woodchuck.

Sloppy,
sloppy, sloppy.

Who cares?
Who cares? Who cares?

Our shoppers.
Our shoppers.
Our shoppers.

Ok, I'm not playin'
anymore.

Where do you think
you're going, mister?

I told you, the labels
have to face out.

Now go restack
that aisle.

And how are
my little
minutemen doing?

You're not the boss of me.
Yes, I am!

Drop dead.
You first!

That good, huh?

Look, wayne made me
senior bagger.

You're just a junior
trainee bagger,

So you have to
listen to me.

Do not. ♪ la la la la! ♪

What are you
talking about--

Ok, ok! Zack!

If cody has seniority,
then you do need
to listen to him,

And, cody,
you can be the boss
without being bossy.

You're bossy.

I'm a mom.
Now do what I say.

Please, we don't need
lectures at work.

Just buy
your soy kabobs
and go home.

Please, we don't need
lecturesi beg your--

Cody! That is not
the paul revere way
to treat a lady.

She's no lady.
She's our mom.

Well, hello, mama.

So is there a papa
in the picture?

If not, you can look
for the pot of gold
at the end of the waynebow.

I'm not irish,

And you're not
getting lucky.

So, what does
your mystery man lance do?

He, uh, saves lives.

Oh. He's studying
to be a doctor.

[gasps]
a plastic surgeon?

Hi, sweetie.

Honey, I told you
to wear a suit.

I am wearing a suit.

Uh, not a bathing suit,
a dress suit,

With pockets
and other nice stuff.

Well, it's got
a little pocket on
the inside for my keys,

And it's waterproof.

So, london, you're dating
your employee.

Why?

I think she was
first attracted to me

When I taught her
to blow bubbles.

Ohh!

Ok, that was hot.

Well, darling,
I can certainly
see why you fell for him.

Actually, I think
I really won her
with my whale song.

It's haunting.

[inhales deeply]

Let's eat!

Hey, what is
this stuff?

Caviar.

Mmm. What's caviar?

Fish eggs.

[spits]

Unborn baby fish!

Why don't you just
feed me puppies?

Ord, dear.

You're acting
like a goofball.

I'm just being myself.

Well, don't.

Then who should I be?

Someone who knows
the social graces

And how to behave
in high society.

Otherwise, I can't
take you to the gold
and silver ball.

And, no, that is
not something a seal
bounces on his nose.

Arwin, do you know how
to behave in high society?

Can't talk.

Must find doctor.

By the way--

Uhh! That's for you.

That pyramid
is pathetic.

You're right.

I don't know
why I even try.

Maybe you could
show me how to do it,

Like you did
with the apples.

Bruises in the back--
that was a great tip.

It was, wasn't it?

Ok, but pay attention.

Labels out, cans even.

You know, every pyramid
starts with a good foundation.

You would have made
a great egyptian.

Becoming
a cairo-practor.

Ha! Ha. Get it? Cairo.

Za-zing.

What about
the pointy part
at the top?

Show me how to do that.

Oh, I get it.

You're making me
do all your work

While you just sit there
and eat up the merchandise.

Ok, ok.

Yeah. Go finish it.

Wow, zack.
Great pyramid.

You're an amazing stacker.

Thanks. It's who I am.
It's what I do.

And, you, why are you
eating the merchandise?

I wasn't. Zack was.

And he didn't
stack that. I did.

He got me to do
all the work for him.

So you got someone else

To do your work
for you and then
took credit for it?

Well...

Nice!

You have real
management potential.

Thanks.

♪ wayne likes me better,
wayne likes me better ♪

No, he doesn't.

Hey, zack, great job
on the apples.

Bruises in back.
Heh heh heh.

I'm promoting you
to head bagger.

Second verse,
same as the first.

♪ wayne likes me better,
wayne likes me better ♪

Hey, watch it!

This machine
will end you, man!
You have no idea!

Probably be for the best.

Zack got a promotion.

Hey, that's great.

No, it's awful.

Oh, that's awful.
Awful.

Why is that awful?

Because I used to be
zack's boss,

And now he's mine.

Hey, hey, hey,
good for zack.

But very, very,
very bad for you.

If there
was only some way
to impress my boss.

[sighs] hey, have you
tried touching your nose
with your tongue? Huh?

Ready? Wait for it.
Wait for it.

Yeah...

Right now, all wayne's
got me doing
is grunt work--

Stacking and
unstacking shelves.

Ohh! I know this one!
I know this one!

Pick me! Pick me!
Pick me! Pick me!

Arwin...

Yes!

Oh. Oh, ok.

What if I could make you

The fastest stacker
and unstacker

In the history
of stacking?

And unstacking?

You do that,

And you'll never
have to pay full price
for pretzels ever again.

Yes! Pretzels are
my fifth-favorite
twisted snack treat.

Let's go.

Excuse me.
Pardon me. My fault.

Excuse me.
Pardon me.
My fault.

I love you, carey.

Mr. Moseby, I really
need to talk to you.

For the last time,
I am not interested

In how long you can
hold your breath underwater.

That's not what it is.

By the way, minutes
and seconds.

I can hold my breath

For minutes
and seconds.

Cleaning the boy's bathroom
is good practice.

The real problem
is I just found out

That london
is embarrassed by me.

[sarcastic]
no.

Yes.

[scoffs] she--
she has this gold and
silver ball coming up,

And I wanna go
and prove to her

That I can fit in
with her high-society world.

Help me.

Why are you asking me?

You're stuck-up
and snooty.

[stifles laugh]

[chuckles]

[growls]

All right,
I will now teach you
proper etiquette

And how
to comport yourself at
a high-society affair.

Huh?

He's gonna teach you
how to talk all fancy-like.

Correct. Now,
use your imagination

And pretend
that carey is a young,
beautiful aristocrat.

[snorts]

After that, you can pretend
moseby's tall enough
to see over his desk.

Heh.

Focus, carey.

Amazon freak.

[aristocratic]
so, launce...

Heh heh heh
heh heh heh.

What--what's so funny?

She called me
"launce."

Ooh, does that mean
in the morning,

I put on my paunts?

Raunce.

Moseby: Why are you--

Heh heh heh
heh heh heh heh heh.

Ok, you know what?

If you two are not
going to take this
seriously,

I have
more important
things to do.

Oh, come on, mr. Moseby.

Give me one more chaunce.

Oh...

Heh heh heh
heh heh heh.

All right,
all right.

Zi-zicit.

Ok. [inhales]

[aristocratic]
so, launce, tell me.

What are
your goals in life?

Oh, that's easy.

I want to grow
a dorsal fin and gills.

Ok, goals that
don't involve you

Becoming
a comic book
character!

[sputters]

Let's move on to
the culinary arts.

Huh?

[groans]

Food.

Now, it's important

To be familiar
with the menu.

They will be serving
a pöté de foie gras,

Followed by escargot

And coq au vin
in a roquefort reduction.

Liver, snails,
and chicken with mold.

I'll eat
before I go.

Good idea.

Let's talk
about wardrobe.

Did you bring a suit?

I don't own
any nonbathing suits,

So I borrowed my brother's.

He's a fat man...

[calliope music playing]

In a circus.

Hey, maddie. It's london.
So how's camp going?

Oh, swell. Yeah,
last night, somebody
thought it'd be so cute

To put a wolverine
in my sleeping bag.

Glad you're having fun.
On to me.

I have to break up
with lance.

I thought you liked him.

I do, but he doesn't
fit in with my friends.

London, how can you
expect your friends

To accept lance
the way he is
if you won't?

Well, what should I do?

Well, instead of
trying to change him,

Why don't you
try to change a little?

I am not growing gills.

Ooh. At least not
until they invent
diamond gill rings.

Why don't you grow
a human organ first,

Like a heart
or a brain? Gotta go.

So what's going on
with london?

Ah, boyfriend problems,

But you guys are
too young to hear about
that sort of stuff.

I have a boyfriend.

I have two.

I've had .

I'm married.

We're separated.

You know, we're
havin' a special.

Buy one,
get wayne free.

The only thing
sharper than that line

Are your finely chiseled
features.

Kissing up
to the boss?

Yes.

Well done.

Where's your brother?

[slow footsteps]

Aah! There's
an alien invasion!

Take the boy!

It's not
an alien invasion.

It's a dork invasion.
What are you doing, man?

Showing wayne which one
of us really deserves
to be the senior bagger.

Rove
stacking efficiency by %.

Actually
it's, uh, %.

Just a little something
I threw together

From an old letter sorter
I had layin' around.

Ooh, look!
Sugar boogers!

Hey, guys,
check this out.

[whirring]

See? Stacks
twice as much.

Excellent.

You haven't seen
anything yet.

See?

Turns labels out, too.

Whew.

Thanks.

Gentle enough
to handle ripe tomatoes,

And...

It has
amazing dexterity.

Mmm.

Tasty.

Plus, that was only
half speed. Watch this.

Uh-oh.
That can't be good.

Aah!

Cody, quit it.

I-I'm not doin' it.

I don't know
what's wrong
with this thing.

Get back!
Get back!

Aah!

Aah!
Aah!
Aah!

Oh, that's
how you want it, eh?

Well, bring it on.

[screaming]

Aah!

It's getting fresh
with me!

Hit the red button!

There is no red button!

I always forget
the red button.

I'll save you,
wayne!

Arwin, stop
this crazy thing.

Yuhh! Ok, I'm goin' in!

Ing, arwin!

I'm tryin'! Yaah!

[powers down]

Cody, I've got
a better way to
improve the store.

You're fired.

Do--do the tongue thing.

[piano playing]

Wait until you see
london's boyfriend.

He is such a goof.

[music similar
to james bond theme plays]

[aristocratic]
good evening,
ladies, gentlemen.

It's fishman...

Launce fishman.

It's so lovely
to be at the daunce.

Wow. Lance,

You clean up good.

I believe it's "well."

By, george,
I think he's got it.

George had nothing
to do with it.
It was all me.

Perchaunce
have you seen london?

I got a message
she'd meet me here.

Oh, who needs her?

Winthrop,
go to the bathroom.

Taylor, go with him.

Oh, my.

Tiffany: London?

Oh, hi, guys.
Uh, have you seen lance?

I'm right here.

Wow. You look like
a million bucks.

And trust me, I know
what that looks like.

What are you
wearing that for?

It's a black-tie event,
honey.

She must have just come
from her yacht.

No. I dressed
this way on purpose.

Oh, london,
how droll of you.

Who are you,
and what have you done
with my boyfriend?

I made him someone
you could be proud of,

And I changed his name
to launce.

Look, you didn't
have to do all of that.

I dressed this way
so you wouldn't
feel out of place

With my snobby,
obnoxious friends.

Oh, no offense, girls.

None taken.

You pegged it.

You are
the sweetest.

No, you're the sweetest.

It's just
so romantic.

You don't get out much,
do you, mr. Moseby?

No.

Didn't think so.

Sweetie, you don't
have to change for me.

Although, I do
love that suit.

And I love
your flip-flops.

And I love your cuff links.

I love your floaties.

[chamber music playing]

They look
so happy together.

I think I might date
one of my employees.

I think
I'll date my chauffer.

I wonder what
the front of his head
looks like.

Well, zack,
you're the head bagger.

Although, without me,
there is no head bagger.

Ironic, huh?

I'll tell you
what's ironic.

You get fired,
and I have to
clean up your mess.

[whirring]

Well, maybe this'll
teach you two not
to be so competitive.

Boy, did you guys
screw up.

Of course, that's just
one -armed man's opinion.

Hey, wait a minute.

Wayne, look,
I know cody messed up,

And he's annoying,
and he micromanages,

And he snores.

I lost my point.

Cody messing up.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, give him
another chance.

We need worker bees
around here.

You're not gonna find
another gem like him.

You're right.

Cody, I'm hiring you back.

You are?

You're the head
bag boy again.

What?
No. No.

That's what got us
into trouble.

How 'bout we work
as equals?

You mean equal
with each other, right?

'cause to me, you're just
my personal helper monkeys.

Understood.

Fine by me.

Give me a high-twenty.

Whoo!