03x15 - A Tele of Two Houses

[bunniefuu]

Zack: So, abby,
what do you think?

Mmm.
The strawberry smoothie
is delicious.

You, uh...

You got
a smoothiestache.

Oh.
Hey, don't worry about it.

I got it.

Mom in the room!

Whoa. Hey. Oh, hey,
look at the time.

You're going
to be late
for your show.

Oh, thank you
for your concern,

But my show isn't
for another minutes

And I have
a -second commute.

Well,
there could be traffic
in the elevator.

You, uh...

You know how
it always bottlenecks
at the th floor.

Nice try,
but you know the rule.

Don't blow my nose
in the dishtowel?

No, no.
The other rule?

No, the one that
you can't have a girl here

Unless there's
a grown-up in here?

Oh, don't worry
about it.

Thanks.
I had a great time.

I did, too.

It's just fabu--

Are you trying
to ruin my life?

It's my job.

[door opens]

Hey, cody.
I thought you had a date.

Oh, I did.

But barbara's
mollusk club

Is looking for
snail slime tomorrow,

And you've got
to get up early
for that.

My girlfriend's
a model.

Both: You're dating
a model?

It may look like
I don't got it,

But trust me,
I got it.

Hard to argue
with that.

Come on, hon.
I'll walk you down.

So, how'd it go
with abby?

Lousy. I mean,
I never get time
alone with her.

Dating at stinks.

I'm not a kid anymore.
I'm a man, a mature adult.

Hey, guys.

Daddy!

I don't remember
having you.

I'm mark. My dad's
on a business trip
for months.

Oh. In that case,
go ahead.

?here I am in your life ?

?here you are in mine ?

?yes, we have
a suite life ?

?most of the time ?

?you and me,
we got the world to see ?

?so come on down ?

?just me and you
know what to do ?

?so come on down ?

?it's you and me ?

?and me and you ?

?we got the whole place
to ourselves ?

?you and me,
we got it all for free ?

?so come on down ?

?this is the suite life ?

?we've got a suite life ?

Oh!
[screams]

[grunting]

Esteban!
Be careful!

Sorry, mr. Moseby.

[screams]

Esteban!

Hector!

Ok!

[both laugh]

Oh, this is hector
from my village!

He's the hot dog man.

Ahh. Very nice--

[laughs]

And a hugger.

Esteban,
I have great news.

There has been
a peaceful change
of government

In our country,

And your family's
back in power!

You mean my grandfather
geraldo juan carlos diego
pepe barbaro lupe alberto

Esteban julio ricardo
montoya de larosa jimenez
has taken the throne again?

No. The other one.
Oh, you mean fred?

S?
Oh!

And sitting
by his side is
his faithful queen.

Candy!
S?

And your bank accounts
have been unfrozen.

You are rich.

Oh! Rich enough to buy
my pet chicken dudley
a new coop?

A solid gold coop
with a doorman.

Ooh! That's rich!
Oh, joy, oh, joy!

Mr. Moseby!
Oh, that's great--

[indistinct shouting]

[laughter]

[indistinct sputtering]

Now, esteban,
I'm happy for you.

What is the first thing
you're going to do?

Oh, I'm going to buy
a hot dog with
everything on it.

Everything?

Why not?
I am rich now, no?

S?

Is that
all you want?
A hot dog?

No.

I want you
to take these bags.

Why?
Because I quit.

[both laughing]

So, the producer
of this rock musical
calls me,

And offers me
the leading role in...

[deep voice] lothar,
king of the vikings.

Wow.
That's awesome!

[normal voice] yeah.
It's a great show.

In the second act,
we inv*de the audience!

[all talk at once]

Are there
health benefits?

Uh--I think so, yeah.

Kurt,
I'm so happy for you.

Thanks. Oh,
and I just got
an apartment.

It's a couple
of blocks away.

And it has bedrooms.

[gasps]
then we can
sleep over!

Shyeah!

Oh. Uh, well,
that is, if it's ok
with your mom.

Yes! Yes!

A million times, yes!

Thank goodness.

I mean, sure.

Ooh, esteban!
Put down your stuff
and come carry my stuff.

Oh, I am sorry.
I do not work here
anymore.

Gasp!

Moseby,
how could you
fire esteban?

I mean, sure,
he's incompetent,

You can barely
understand
a word he says,

His best friend's
a chicken...

Where was I?

Look, I didn't fire him.
He quit.

My family's
back in power.

I am wealthy beyond
my wildest dreams.

Oh! Me, too!
Isn't it great?

So far, it's been
a good day.

The first thing
we should do
is go shopping.

What are you going
to buy first--

A limo?
A helicopter?
Or a yacht?

London, the best thing
for esteban to do

Is to keep that money
in the bank,

Save it
for a rainy day.

That is a good point.

But if it's
a rainy day,

He could just take
his helicopter
to someplace dry.

Ooh. That is
a good point, too.

I'm going to go
to my apartment
and think about this.

You can't stay
at that ratty
little place.

How did you know I have
a ratty little place?

Well, compared to me,
everyone has
a ratty little place.

[gasps] idea!

You should move
into the tipton.

Now, esteban,
that would be
very expensive.

Oh, really?
How much would it be
if I--

Ah-ah-ah!

Rich people
never ask how much.

All right.
I'll take a nice room.

With a view.

Well done.

I'm going to teach you
all my smarticles

On how to be rich.

[gasps] we can be b.F.F.
W.H.L.A.G.S.A.L.!

Both: Huh?

Best friends forever
who have lunch and
go shopping a lot?

Both: Ahh.

Oh! Moseby! Be a dear
and take these
to esteban's room.

Moseby, be a moose
and take these to mine.

Wait! I--

Both: Yay, us!

Only more years
to retirement.

Oh, man.
That restaurant
was great.

Yeah. Sometimes,
with mom's cooking,

You forget
that roast chicken

Shouldn't still have
feathers on it.

Oh, come on, guys.
Your mom isn't
that bad a cook.

[all laugh]

Uh-oh.
What's the matter?

Oh, I forgot the key
to my apartment.

Oh! That's ok,
because I stashed
an extra key

Right here
just in case.

[clicks]

Ok, guys.
It's a school night,

So I guess you should do
your homework.

But mom always lets us watch
wrestle smack-a-thon.

Well, that's odd...

Because on
the don't list...

"don't let them
convince you

"I let them watch
wrestle smack-a-thon

Before doing
their homework."

Well, why can't we
hang out with you
on fridays or saturdays,

When we don't have
to do homework?

Oh, I'm sorry, guys.
Look, on those nights, I'm--

[deep voice]
lothar, the viking.

Singing
and dancing and...

[normal voice]
hoping my fur pants
don't fall off again.

Look,
I leave here at :

And I don't get back here
until after midnight.

You mean,
there's no one here
for all that time?

No. Why do you ask?

Well, you know,
because...

Your cat
must get lonely.

[scoffs]
I don't have a cat.

It's a good thing,
then.

[esteban grunting]

Mr. Moseby looks
so busy.

Ok. Rule number one--

When you're rich,
it's moseby,
not mr. Moseby.

Rule number --
letting people know
you have high standards

Is a part of being rich.

Sigh.
Sigh?

S?
So see what he says.

Ok. Oh! [grunts]

Moseby.

I want to tell you
something about my lunch.

You mean that
it's still stuck
in your teeth?

Uh--no. Uh--uh--

I just wanted
to say that...

It was delicious.

Except
the noodles romanov.

I mean,
the noodles were fine,

But the flavor
kept roaming off.

I'll tell
our chef forthwith.

Ok.
[gasps] what?

You fired chef paolo
and hired someone
named forthwith?

[gasps]

No.

Forthwith
is presently.

Well, I don't care
if his name is presently
or forthwith.

Tell them both
to fix it.

So, you got the address, abby?
Abby: I guess so.

I promise,
it's my condo.

How did you get
your own condo?

Well,
you know, I bought it
a couple of years ago

With the money I got
from my hit record.

Rappin' zack.

Never heard of it.

It was--
it was really big
in japan.

Japan?

Really. Yeah.
They call me zacky-san.

Ok.

Bye, abby.
Bye.

Whoo!
You look nice.

Oh, thank you.

Abby and I are going
to see a movie with
lots of other people.

Ok. Well,
I'll just spend
a nice night with your...

Brother.

Well, I'm out of here.

Oh. You have
a date with barbara.

Yeah. We're going
to the planetarium.

Tonight's debate--
pluto: Planet or
just space schmutz?

Oh. Ok.

I'll miss you.

Yes! Alone at last!

Ahh!

[sighs]

I got to get me
a boyfriend.

Hey, barbara.

Meet me at the condo.

[laughs]

Esteban, are you sure
you want to do this?

Do not question me.

I am the paying customer,
and what I say goes.

[gasps]
that's right, esteban!

I've taught him well.

So,
what did you ask for?

Your suite.
Shock!

It is so much nicer
than mine,

And dudley loves it...

Except for the hot tub.

It makes him feel
like chicken soup.

Daddy will never
allow it.

Oh, daddy did.

He said
esteban's offer was
too high to refuse.

Ah, remember
rule number ?

See it,
like it, buy it!

Ooh. That is
a good rule.

That will teach me
to share my smarticles.

Sob!

Sweet.

All right. Let's see.
We got...

Jellybeans...

Cherry sodas...

And cheese product
in a can.

All the ingredients
of romance.

I wonder if dad has
any cologne.

Ha.

Pöt? low fat...

Crackers, low sodium...

And chocolate cake,

Low nothing.

Room freshener--
forest pine.

Ahh.
[sniffs]

All the ingredients
of romance.

Phew.
These flowers need a vase.

[sniffs]

Mmm! Cake!

Thanks, dad!

[knock on door]

[grunts]

Barbara.

You look beautiful.

You look nice too, cody.

Come in, please.

I have to tell you,
I'm a little nervous.

I've never been
alone with a boy
in an apartment before.

Barbara,
you have nothing to fear

From the man
who only seeks
to adore you.

Aww. That's so sweet!

And if you try
to go too far,

I have a black belt
in karate and can snap
your arm like a twig.

Ooh.

Well,
this is a nice place.

Thanks. And I'm making
your favorite tea--oolong.

[sighs]

[knock on door]
aha.

[exhales]

Hi, zacky-san.

What are you
talking abou--
oh, the record.

Wow. Your place
is awesome.

Does it come with
a little girls' room?

Oh, yeah.
Right down the hallway
and to the right.

I'll pick out
some music for us.

Whoops!
[clatter]

Oops.

Want some company, baby?

[giggles] sure.

Oh, abby.
Oh, cody.

Zack?

[grunts]
barbara?

What are you doing?

Well,
I don't know, but...

If you want to come back
after abby leaves,
I'll be here!

Barbara?

Abby?

Zack?
Cody?

What are you doing here?

What is he doing here?
It's his apartment.

That's what
he's doing here.

His apartment?

This is cody's
apartment.

He bought it
with the money
he made

From his
solar-powered
vacuum.

So we share the place.

Except for tonight,
when I'm using it.

Well,
I'm not going to go.

I already made
barbara oolong.

Well, I brought
cheese in a can!

Hey, hey,
why don't we all
hang out together?

Fine by me.

I'm sure this place
is big enough
for the of us.

[door opens]

Welcome to shangri-la,
my amazon goddess.

All: Mark?

What are you doing here?

I heard you talking
about the key in the plant.

And cassandra and I wanted
a place to talk.

But we're
talking here!

Esteban! Esteban!

Please, please,
please give me
my suite back!

I am sorry,
muchacha.

Rule number --

Rich people never give
anything back.

Can I see
that list I gave you?

Oh! Of course.

[spits]

That's why rich people
never give anything back.

You seem tense.

Would you like
to go for a ride
in my limo?

It has
a volleyball court.

I'm afraid
you can't do that,
esteban.

There's a problem.

What? The net is not up?

No. The bank was here.

They took
your limousine.

What?

Can't they go
play volleyball
somewhere else?

Esteban,
they repossessed it.

They also took
your yacht, your jet,
your sports car,

Your solid gold toilet
that plays moon river
when you...

Use it.

Oh! This is a disaster!

They can't
do this to me!

Well, actually, they can.

Your country has had
another change
in government,

And your family
has been removed
from power.

Oh, dios mio!

Oh, you must have saved
some money.

Oh, yes, I did.

I saved
about million,
for starters.

Oh, well,
that's good.

Except for
in this country,

It's worth
about $ . .

Oh.

Wait,
esteban's poor again?

But how can that be?

Well,
he had money...

Uh-huh.
Now, he doesn't.

Ohh.

What a shame.

?I get my suite back!
Laugh, laugh, laugh,
laugh, laugh! ?

That is mean.

Rule number one--

?mock the poor! ?

Oh, mr. Moseby,
I should have listened
to you

Instead of
miss spend now,
save never!

Be strong, esteban.

It's times like these
that show a man's
true character.

Yes. You are right.

I must show
that I am strong,
that I am in control.

I want the money!

Ok. All right.

[all sigh]

What is that,
times in a row?

, by my count.

What can I tell you?

I'm blessed.

What's going on here?

Um, zack?

Why is there a viking
in your apartment?

Uh...Because
we ordered
german take-out?

First of all,
vikings are from
scandinavia.

And secondly,

I'm their father.

[gasps]

Your dad is a viking?

Dad, what are you
doing here?

It's intermission,
and I forgot
my fur pelt.

But more importantly,
what are you all doing
in my apartment?

Wait, wait, wait.

I thought this was
your apartment.

Time-share?

Look, I'm going
to make this quick

Because I am due
to inv*de nova scotia
in minutes.

Come here.

You. Get over here.

Sneaking girls in here
without permission is
totally inappropriate.

Well, now that
you're here,

Can we have
your permission?

Oh, sure. Go on.
Knock yourselves out.

Are you kidding?!

This party is over.

You boys are so
beyond grounded,

I'm going to spend
the entire second act

Thinking up punishments
that a viking
would find cruel.

Ok, but please,
please, please,
just don't tell mom.

Tell mom what?

About how we're all here
playing spin the bottle.

Let me guess--
you didn't meet her
at a library?

Carey, what are you
doing here?

I came here
to pick up the boys'
hockey uniforms,

And I walk in
on a kissing party
hosted by a viking.

Uh--uh--no, I--

I know
I shouldn't have
trusted you.

Mom...
It's not dad's fault.

Yeah. He didn't know
we were here.

He just came back for
his fur pelt, and...

He already read us
the riot act,
so you don't have to.

Really?

Well, did you mention
how inappropriate--
yes.

And how they'd be grounded--
yeah.

And that you were going to
call the girls' mothers?

Only if
they're single.

Little nordic humor.

You're a good daddy,
lothar.

Well, thank you.

I'm glad that you see
that I take

My fatherly
responsibilities
very seriously.

Oh! I got to run.
I got a village
to pillage.

Come on, girls.
I'll take you home.

Boys, you are in
such trouble.

Ok. I'm confused.

Is your dad
a viking or not?

She's a keeper.

[grunting]

Esteban, be careful!

Oh!

Ai, ai, ai.

I've never seen
someone check in
with so much luggage.

And that is just
my underwear.

Hector
the hot dog man?

Not anymore.

Now, it is hector,
wealthy man of leisure.

How could this
have happened?

Well,
back in our country,

When they kicked
your family out,

They kicked
my family in!

Oh! I am so happy for--

I am sorry,
but I do not hug
poor people.

It is on the list
that london gave me.

Come on, hector.
Let's go
island shopping.

There's a lovely
string of them
near jamaica.

Both: Yay, us!