Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Carla, what are you doing?
Uh, would you hand me that
bucket of ice water, please?
Sure.
When you tell me
what you're doing.
Well, Clavin's almost
done with his route, see?
So I'm gonna put this
bucket up here on the ledge...
Oh, and then the water
will fall on his head.
How mature.
You know, that's your
problem, Rebecca.
You don't know
how to have any fun
Sure I do. It's just not at
the expense of other people.
I just go out with my
friends and have a good time.
Now, don't you ever get together
with your friends and-and just
have fun?
Well, I guess I would,
but nobody ever asks
me to do anything.
I'm sorry, Carla.
CARLA: Yeah.
Sounds like fun. I don't know.
Say, Carla, do you want to...
Yeah?
I don't have
anything to do later.
I mean, want to go grab a pizza,
or see a movie or something?
You and me?
Well, if you want to.
Yeah. I think I'd
really like that.
Yeah? All right, we'll do it.
I mean, who knows?
Maybe it'll be fun.
Let me just grab my coat.
So, what time should I be there?
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
(zany music and g*nshots on TV)
Okay, at the beginning
of that cartoon,
Casper, the friendly ghost,
had no friends whatsoever.
By the end of the
cartoon, of course,
he's surrounded by friends.
Next cartoon will start,
Casper won't have
any friends again.
What is it we're not
seeing between cartoons?
Could be, uh,
Casper sating his
thirst for human blood.
Right.
Oh, think about it, Norm.
We are talking about
a ghost here. Yeah?
You see, very often,
the, uh, walking dead crave
the taste of human flesh.
And things aren't
that much different
in the cartoon world, I'm sure.
Was it really hot on
your route today, Cliff?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, blacked out a
couple of times. Why?
That was Woody.
He's in a car on the
way back from the airport.
Isn't that something?
Two weeks free in London.
All expenses paid
on Kelly's family.
Boy, he really stepped
into something nice there.
I'll tell you what, though.
He's lucky I didn't
spot her first.
Yeah, he really dodged
a b*llet there, Cliff.
Everyone, I have an
announcement to make.
You may not have noticed,
but over the last year,
I've allowed myself to
gradually fall out of shape.
I'm frequently tired, and I find
I no longer have the energy
for some of my daily activities.
Or some of your weekly ones.
Which is why Richard
here is going to put me
on a strict exercise
and diet regimen.
Now you may ask, "Why is
Frasier sharing this information
with the general public?"
Because you're the
loneliest man on earth?
He has another reason.
FRASIER: Yes.
I want you all to
hold me accountable,
to be my collective
conscience, if you will.
Don't let me give up.
You-You gonna let
that little, scrawny guy
be your personal trainer?
Oh. Get a load of this, Sam.
Show 'em, Richard.
SAM: Oh, man!
FRASIER: Hey, that's...
I could probably do that,
but I'd have to do it in shifts.
I was a professional athlete.
I can train you like he
can, and I'd do it for free.
Besides, I'll, uh,
keep my chest off
your wife's hand.
You're history, Bluto!
Hey, your loss.
We have an opening
for a lab assistant!
Well, it's grant money.
We have to spend it somehow.
Hi, g*ng!
Hi-ho, chaps.
Wood! CARLA: Whoa!
Well, look at you.
If it isn't Oliver Twit.
Boy, check out the
threads on that dude, huh?
Oh, just a little something
I picked up at Savile Row.
Oh! Savile Row!
(mumbles) Well, well, yes.
I guess the trip to England made
a big impression on you, huh?
Ah, it's a fabulous place, Sam.
Very civilized. You
know, when you drive
on the left-hand side
of the road over there,
they don't scream and
honk at you like they do here.
Got anything in the, uh, bag?
Here we go.
Toilet water for everyone.
Don't worry, it's
not what you think.
KELLY: Woody,
we've got to be going.
Right. If James has
to circle the block
more than once,
he has a hissy fit.
Boy, chauffeurs, huh, Miss Howe?
Oh, yeah. I have that
trouble with mine all the time.
Really? What do you do?
I wake up.
Hey, Woody, can't
you, uh, hang around
and tell us about your trip?
Love to, can't.
Love to, can't?
WOODY: Right.
Uh, coming over on the Concorde,
we met this adorable
couple, David and Arlene,
and we promised to spend
the afternoon with them.
Oh, well, all right.
All right, well, you
can tell us all about it
when you come to
work tonight, all right?
Ooh, about that.
Don't tell me.
Love to, can't?
Bingo. Ta, guys.
What-What the
hell's wrong with him?
Well, it's a common
phenomenon, really.
A young, impressionable
lad, such as Woody,
gets his first taste
of a foreign country,
and he comes
back a little affected.
I mean, give him a
few hours, he'll be fine.
You know, I remember when I
came back from my first trip abroad.
Oh, God, I was
pompous and unbearable!
Condescending to
all my old friends.
Of course, I wouldn't expect
you fellows to understand.
It's a complicated matter.
Keep going, man.
You're doing great.
(panting)
What's the matter, jump
rope too much for you?
Forgive me...
but a jump rope is a
delightful children's toy
used to while away
delightful spring days.
I'm not a delightful child.
I am a miserable,
overweight wretch
who is praying for death.
Got a saying, Frasier...
No pain, no gain.
I also have a saying, Sam.
I can't feel my right arm!
That's all right.
That's natural.
Okay, tell you what.
Why don't you give me
one more abdominal crunch?
No, no, no!
No, no, no, no, no!
Come on, man, give me one more,
unless you want to
give me five more.
Okay.
Come on, you can do it.
Okay. Come on.
Okay.
There we go. And up!
Come on. (grunts)
Can you see the baby's head yet?
I am proud of you, man.
A lot of people would have quit
after that little
bout of vomiting.
Thank you, Sam.
I feel that from this point on,
I can live a life
of healthful moderation
and physical fitness.
Okay, everybody, Lud
is trying to raise money
for his class trip to
Colonial Williamsburg.
Now who wants to help by
buying some chocolate bars?
I'll take 15 boxes!
Boy, that's great, Doc.
All you got to do is
fill out this order form,
you'll have your
candy in two weeks.
Two weeks?! I want them now!
Listen, Lud.
Lud, here, go down
to the store for me,
get me a couple of KitKats,
and I will personally drive you
to Colonial Williamsburg.
Sorry, Dr. Crane.
Two weeks.
Oh, forget it, then,
you rotten kid. No sale.
You should have
the chocolate on you.
What do they teach you in
that school of yours anyway?
Come on, Fras. Well, it's true.
What the hell am I
paying property taxes for?!
Oh!
Sam!
(voice breaking):
I hurt so much!
(gasping)
Hey, Rebecca,
Lud is trying to raise
money for his class trip.
Now, how many chocolate
bars do you want?
I think you're taking
advantage of us.
Oh, Lud, Miss Howe doesn't
want to buy any candy.
Why don't you go
into your sales pitch?
It's not gonna work, Lud.
You can breathe now.
Okay, fine. I am
just gonna go about
my work as usual.
(whistling)
All right, fine!
Five bars!
(splutters)
Isn't he great, you know?
He helped knock 500 bucks
off the price of our last car.
Remember that, Lud?
Part of it.
Lud, come on.
Let's go home.
Evening, chums!
I thought you were having
drinks with David and Arlene.
Good people, Sam,
but colossal bores.
So it turns out I can work.
Well, thanks for, uh,
keeping us in mind here, Woody.
Tell you what, why
don't you, uh, help out
by getting a couple of cases
of scotch from the back?
(chuckles) Whoa!
Do I look like I'm
dressed to carry scotch?
Oh, well, what are
you dressed for?
Well, certainly not
whatever you're dressed for.
Mr. Peterson, more crisps?
What the hell are crisps?
Well, they're what
you call potato chips.
Although what I call chips,
you would call French fries.
So, what are you saying,
we have French fries?
Oh, Mr. Peterson,
there's so much you don't
see from your little bar stool.
Stop teasing me, Woody!
Do we have French
fries, or don't we?
Norm, you don't have
to get upset with Woody.
He's just been on
the trip of a lifetime,
and it rubbed off a little bit.
That's not such a surprise.
Say it, don't spray it.
This is cashmere, Miss Howe.
You little snot!
I knew you back when you
were just an ignorant farm boy.
That was about a
week and a half ago!
You're right. That was
about a fortnight, wasn't it?
Oh.
SAM: Come here. I want to talk
to you for a second.
Yeah, what is it, Sam?
I don't know how to put this.
Ow!
What's the matter with you, Sam?
I'll tell you what's the matter.
You're acting like a real ass.
I think you mean "arse."
That's starting to hurt!
You know, it doesn't take a fool
to see what's going
on here, but I do.
You're all jealous.
This is a case
of "Poor little us.
"We don't have the money
to do the things
that Woody can do."
Well, as we say back
in merry old England...
tough!
Woody, Woody, Woody,
Woody, come here.
Look...
Yes, Mr. Peterson.
All Sam was trying to s...
Ow!
That was for the
French fries, okay?
What's the matter with you guys?
Why are you all hitting me?
Well, 'cause your hanging
around with rich people
has turned you
into a little monster.
What are you talking about?
I'm no monster.
I'm still the same
old Woody Gaines.
Wait a minute, I'm
Woody Boyd, right?
Oh, Sam, I have
changed, haven't I?
Yeah, I'm afraid you have.
Ah, don't... don't hit
me again, all right?
You don't have to
b*at it into me, all right?
I know I'm a jerk!
I'm the biggest
jerk that ever lived!
(crying)
Hey, uh, how come I didn't
get a chance to smack him?
Hi, Woody.
I just dropped David and
Arlene off at the hotel, and...
Uh-oh, something's wrong.
I can tell.
(crying): I'll tell you
what's wrong, Kelly.
All your money has changed me.
I don't know who I am anymore.
I'm pretending to be English.
I'm pretending to
be something I'm not.
My life has gone
completely down the loo!
(knocking at door)
Woody!
Aren't you ever
coming out of there?
You're starting to scare me.
Sorry, Kelly.
I'm not trying to scare
you, but it... it's just,
your money is turning
me into a monster.
All my old friends hate me now.
But everything
was going so well.
What happened?
I just looked into a mirror,
and I didn't like what I saw.
Whatever's wrong,
we can work it out.
It's a little more
complicated than that, Kelly.
It's like she's having a
fight with Señor Wences.
(door opening)
Come on in, Kelly.
Thank you.
You know, Sammy, you could
nail that door shut right now.
I didn't see a thing.
Wow.
What a big moose head.
Kelly, I don't think this is
the time for name-calling.
What's wrong, Woody?
Don't you see,
I'm trying so hard
to fit into your world
that I'm starting to lose mine.
Yeah... so?
The point is, I'm changing.
Suddenly, Mr. Peterson
and Mr. Clavin
aren't that interesting.
It can't be them,
so it must be me.
Woody, I know what
you're going through.
Oh, Kelly, you don't understand.
You'll never
understand. It's hopeless.
Good-bye, Kelly!
Woody!
Woody!
Woody, don't go!
Sam, do something!
All right, all
right, I'll get him.
Hey, uh, Norm, watch
the bar for me, will you?
Oh, all right.
(crying)
(crying continues)
Kelly...
There, there.
Mr. Peterson, you're
so understanding.
Uh, well, uh,
yes... Thanks for reaching out.
Yeah, Kelly, uh...
(laughing): Cheer up!
It's just that I'm so alone.
I feel that all the love
has gone out of my life.
Am I bothering
you, Mr. Peterson?
No, no, it's either, uh,
listen to it here or
listen to it at home.
(clears throat)
What am I gonna do?
He says that all my
money bothers him
and he can't live in my world.
Kelly, why don't you
try living in his world?
What are you saying, that...
that we can make it
if I can just learn to...
to live without all my money?
Yeah, I guess.
Well, I can do that.
It'll be easy.
I don't know, Kelly.
You're gonna have to
give up an awful lot of stuff.
For example, no more limousines.
Oh, that's okay.
I can take taxis.
No, Kelly, I don't think
Woody can even afford taxis.
You'll have to take the subway.
The what?
The "T"... you know, the subway.
Come again?
The subway,
the... the little trains
that run underground,
carry people back and forth.
Right, an underground train.
You're such a
joker, Mr. Peterson.
Kelly, they exist, and, and...
most people take
them to work every day.
Sure they do, Mr. Peterson.
All right, I'll take your
little underground train
tomorrow morning.
Underground trains!
Woo-woo!
Okay, finally.
Daddy's home.
Oh, I couldn't catch
up with Woody.
I saw...
saw Kelly going down
the street. Is she all right?
Oh, no, Sammy, she
looked real... really upset.
You better go after her.
All right, all right.
Sometimes I swear it'd be
easier to just buy these things.
Boy, oh, boy.
Woody and Kelly split up, huh?
Yes, well, I guess having
access to all her money
made him feel a
little like a leech.
You, uh, seem to make
the word "leech" sound, uh,
pejorative, there, Fras.
An educated man would be proud
to be called a leech.
Leeches are a boon to mankind.
I take it you're
referring to the practice
of using leeches as
a medical cure-all,
a practice which has been
discredited for centuries now.
Discredited...
or covered up?
Well, you've got me there.
Sure, your big drug
companies don't want you
to find out about
leeches... You know why?
Leeches are free.
Yes, sir.
I... I have great
respect for the leech.
I'm sure the feeling's mutual.
Hey, Fras?
I've got the tools
of a perfect workout right here.
Jump rope, bag of doughnuts.
Guess which one's yours.
Didn't I tell you? I... I don't
need to work out today.
I think I've reached my
peak form... isn't that great?
Yeah. Okay, get
in the pool room.
We've got work to do.
You weren't listening,
I don't need any...
I'm all better!
Come on... pool room.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Wood! Woody!
Ah, it's good to be back, guys.
Yeah, even though
I had to give up Kelly
and I'm heartbroken,
I'm pretty miserable,
at least I'm not rich.
Well, Wood, it may not
be as bad as you think.
Well, what do you
mean, Mr. Peterson?
Kelly and I had a little
heart-to-heart last night,
and, uh, it turns out she's
gonna give up her money
and try to live the way you do.
Kelly wants to do that for me?
Yep... matter of
fact, she's taking
the subway over here right now.
Kelly's taking the
subway by herself?
Yeah, she wanted to prove to
you she could do normal things.
Well, she can't
do normal things.
She's never learned how.
She's gonna be eaten
alive on that subway!
Go after her, Wood.
Good idea, Mr. Peterson.
Can you watch the bar for me?
Oh, all right!
Some days, Cliffie,
it's like sh**ting
fish in a barrel.
Well, guys, I guess you're
all gonna eat your words,
'cause guess what I brought.
I give up.
Leeches!
Yeah, look at these babies.
They can't keep
themselves off each other.
Where'd you get those?
I have my sources.
Why are they here?
Oh, it's like a living
first aid kit, Norm.
You know, a
cure-all for anything
from a minor scrape to
a sucking chest wound.
Ooh, look at the
disgusting leeches!
(chuckling)
Hey, what's in the jar?
Hi, everybody. Where's Woody?
Well, he's out looking for you.
What happened,
Kelly? Did you get lost?
No, I was having such a
great time I didn't want it to end.
I love the subway.
Wait a minute, you
liked the subway?
Not at first.
I got real angry because
a lot of other people
tried to get on my subway car.
And then I met some young people
who apparently work for the city
because they were
spray-painting the walls,
and they let me write, "Kelly
loves Woody," in a big red heart.
And then the pigs
came and we ran.
Well, I'm out of
here... Workout's over.
Good day, all.
That was quick, huh?
It only lasted a
couple of minutes.
Yes, well, you know,
when you're focused...
Where's Sammy?
Um, I don't know.
Bye-bye.
(muffled shouting)
Woody!
Oh, Kelly, thank
God you're okay.
Woody, what happened to you?
Oh, I got mugged on the subway.
Oh, my poor Woody.
Come and sit down.
Do you want me to call the pigs?
No, no, I... I'm okay now.
They didn't get much.
They just scared me a little.
Kelly, I don't ever want you
to ride that subway again.
Oh, but Woody, I just
wanted to show you
that I can live
without all my money.
Well, I don't want you to
live without your money.
I... I think it's
wrong for someone
to have to give up their money.
Kind of came to me as I was...
handing over my wallet.
But if you live on my money,
aren't you afraid you'll
turn into a monster?
Oh, here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna be a
two-income family.
You live off of your income,
and I'll live off of mine.
Woody, you're so smart.
I love you.
I love you, Kelly.
Ow! Oh!
Oh, Woody, your
eye is swelling shut.
What are we gonna do?
Come on, babies,
time to earn your bacon.