06x04 - Aunt Bee, the Swinger

[bunniefuu]

[Whistling]

hmm.

That's somethin'.

Hmm.

What's that, pa?

It's this column, "little-known facts known by few."

It's about vitamins.

It says, "the body can retain

"vitamins a, d, e, and k,

"but it cannot retain b-complex vitamins and vitamin c.

"However, it will not tolerate an excess of vitamins a and d.

"One theory states,

if you eat too much polar bear liver, it'll k*ll you."

I didn't know that.

I didn't, either.

Andy,

did you see this article about congressman john canfield?

Mmm-hmm.

It says he's not going to run again.

It says he's coming back to mayberry to live.

Yeah, I read that.

He's going to arrive today.

(Andy) mmm-hmm.

You know him, don't you?

Yeah, I know him.

Nice picture of him.

Mmm-hmm.

Distinguished-looking.

Mmm-hmm.

I've heard him make a speech once.

Such a nice-looking man.

Yeah, he always was a nice-lookin' man.

Can I see?

Hmm. Is he married?

Well, what difference does it make whether he's married or not?

I don't know.

But you and miss edwards are always talkin' about men that aren't married,

and I thought you'd be interested.

Don't be silly.

That's right, ope.

Your aunt bee doesn't even know john canfield.

Why should she care whether he's married or not?

Well, is he?

Is he what? Is he married?

Who?

John canfield.

Oh, no, he's not married.

Not that I'm interested, mind you.

Then why'd you ask?

Opie, would you mind finishing your breakfast?

[Laughing]

well, now, tell me, floyd,

are you still ruining people's hair

in that barbershop of yours?

Yep, and I'm chargin' more for it, too.

[All laughing]

hello, mr. Canfield.

Why, andy taylor. How are you?

I'm just wonderful.

Goodness, it's good to see you.

It's good to see you. My, my, my.

Say, you-you've sort of fleshened up a little, haven't you, andy?

Oh, I'm gettin' a little broad in the beam.

You're holdin' your own.

Oh, well, you might say that.

The belt's getting a little tighter every day.

I see you're still upholding law and order

in this fair province.

Well, they can't get rid of me.

I own the key to the cells.

[All laughing]

[floyd mumbling] owns the key to the cells!

Oh, what's going on over there?

[All chattering]

ooh, they must be saying hello to john canfield.

He arrived from washington today.

Oh, my, isn't he good-looking?

Mmm, he is.

Oh, is he married?

I don't know.

Andy said something about him being a bachelor.

Well, well, well.

Well, well, well? Just well, well, well.

Oh.

Well, I have to be going along.

Yeah, I'll see you later.

Well, it's been nice talkin' to you fellows.

I've got to run along now.

I've got a lot of unpacking to do.

Andy, I'll see you. Ok.

Oh, mr. Canfield.

Uh, I'd like you to meet helen.

This is helen crump. She teaches over at the school.

I'm glad to know you, helen. John canfield.

Yes, I know.

I understand we can count you as one of our citizens again.

That's right,

and I hope the folks won't get tired

of seeing me around all the time.

Oh, I'm sure we're gonna like it. Oh, no!

Good. Well, goodbye, helen, andy.

Uh, mr. Canfield,

since it's your first night in town and everything, and you're not settled,

why don't you just come over and have supper at the house tonight?

Well, say, I'd like that.

You're sure it won't be too much trouble?

No. We'd be glad to have you.

Oh... We?

Well, are you two, uh...

[Laughing] oh, no, no.

No.

My aunt lives...

Your aunt lives at the home. Oh, fine.

Well, what time would you like me?

About : ?

: , I'll be there.

Will you be there?

Oh... Oh, yes. Yes.

[Laughing] well, so will i.

See you then. Bye.

(Andy) aunt bee.

Oh, andy, here in the kitchen.

Hi. Hi, I was just about to bring you your lunch.

Oh, I just thought I'd come home today.

All right. Well, sit down. It's all ready.

Ok.

Boy, there sure was a lot of excitement uptown.

John canfield stopped by, got a royal welcome.

Oh? Yeah.

Of course, helen tells me you know that.

I understand you passed by and saw him.

Oh, well, I just happened to be walking by at the time,

helen and i.

Oh.

What'd you think of him?

Oh, I don't know. We didn't stop long enough to notice.

Oh.

Well, maybe you'll get a better chance to get acquainted tonight.

Tonight?

Yeah. I invited him to come over and have supper.

Oh? Tonight?

Well, I thought it'd be the hospitable thing to do,

it bein' his first day in town and all.

Oh, yes, I don't mind. I can run out

and get a chicken or something.

Well, I certainly will appreciate it.

Oh, that's all right.

I mean, my bein' the sheriff and all,

it is my responsibility to entertain dignitaries.

Well, that's right.

I thought you might like to meet him yourself.

Well, yes.

Aren't you a little bit excited about meetin' him?

Well, why should I be excited?

It's just another guest coming for dinner.

[Knocking on door]

comin'!

No, no comic books. No, comic...

[Clears throat]

well, mr. Canfield, come in. Hello, andy.

I'm awfully glad you could come. Thank you. Thank you.

I'll just take your hat.

Did you, uh, finish all your unpacking?

Yep, all settled, all settled. Good.

Well, who is this?

Oh, this is my boy, opie.

He was little when you left.

Oh, well, he certainly isn't little now.

Hi, son.

Well, shake hands. It's a real congressman.

How do you do, sir. I'm well, thank you.

Sit down, sit down, sit down.

The girls are upstairs, I'll just, uh...

I'll just call 'em. All right.

Uh, aunt bee, helen, company's here.

(Bee) I'll be right down as soon as I shut the windows.

Oh, she's closin' the windows.

There. Fine, fine. You look...

Oh, you look just beautiful.

Do you really think so?

Well, I know what I see, and I see just fine.

Really?

I think we'd better go. Oh, yes. Oh, just a minute.

Just a little bit more perfume. Oh, no, do I dare?

Oh, well, now, he's used to the women in washington.

Just a little. One squirt.

Ok. Come on. We'd better go.

I've noticed an awful lot of changes in mayberry.

Oh, I guess we're gradually catchin' up.

Oh, here they are.

You've, uh, you've already met helen.

Hi, again. Hi.

And this, uh, this is my aunt bee.

Well, it's an honor to meet you.

Thank you.

Wonderful to meet you, too.

Andy, I will say that good looks certainly run in your family.

Well, I've always said

aunt bee's the prettiest girl in mayberry.

Oh, andy, really.

And she's not married.

I think we'd better go in to supper. Uh, yes.

[Clears throat]

more pie?

Oh, my goodness, no.

[Chuckling] no, I wouldn't know where to put it.

And I say this,

and I say it without fear of contradiction,

that was one of the best dinners I've ever had.

And that's for the record.

Oh, well, thank you, mr. Canfield.

Call me john. John.

Pa, can I go outside and play under the streetlight?

Well, don't mess up your clothes.

I won't. Ok.

Now, excuse yourself.

Excuse me. Ok.

[Chuckling]

nice boy. Thank you.

Uh, you mind if I smoke?

(All) no. Go ahead.

Andy, you want a cigar? No.

Yes, sir, I can certainly say

that my first day back in mayberry

has been a most pleasant one.

Oh, good.

I imagine it'll be a little difficult to adjust to mayberry again

after living in washington, though.

Oh, that it will.

The capital is a big city,

pulsing with excitement, you know,

socially as well as politically.

Seems to be something doing every night:

dinners, cocktail parties, theater, opera.

Oh, it's a fast city.

I guess it's a whole different life up there.

They say they leave the streetlights on all night.

Looks like the last one to go to bed would turn 'em off.

That's about like it.

Oh, yeah, it's a great city, but I am going to miss it.

However, it's good to be back home.

I suppose it might be a little hard for me at first

to slow down,

but then I think I'll get used to the easy living after a while.

Oh, my goodness.

You make mayberry sound like a one-horse town.

We're not that far behind anymore.

Oh?

We have our social functions, just like any big city.

Well, perhaps you'd like to show them to me, huh?

I beg your pardon? The social functions?

Perhaps we might have dinner tomorrow night and, uh... Well...

Uh, we could go out someplace

and then you could show me what goes on around here, huh?

I'm sure andy and helen wouldn't mind, would you?

Oh, no. It's fine. Oh, no.

Well, it's awfully nice of you to ask me,

but I don't think I can make it tomorrow night.

Why can't you make it tomorrow night?

Well, I think I recall a previous engagement.

Well, if it's an engagement you can break,

I'd be honored to have you join me for the evening.

Oh, I'm sure whatever it is, she can get out of it.

I'm sure she can get out of it.

Well, I don't like to break an appointment.

Oh. Well, some other time.

Well, I better get these things cleared away.

I'll help you, aunt bee. Pardon me.

What's all this about another appointment?

Oh, I don't have one.

You don't have one? Well, then for crying out loud,

why did you say you did?

I couldn't accept his invitation right off that way.

A woman shouldn't appear too anxious.

Bee, he asked you twice!

Well, it's more ladylike to wait for the third time.

Oh, how can you be so sure he's gonna ask for the third time?

Well, the evening is young. He'll ask me again.

Don't you think?

Look at that time.

Here I am rambling on

without realizing that it was getting late.

I've got to go.

Oh, must you really rush off?

Oh, yes, I think I'd better.

And I want to thank you all for a most wonderful, wonderful evening.

Oh, we enjoyed having you.

Miss taylor. Bee.

Bee.

I brought this up once before,

and I'd like to bring it up again before I go.

Yes?

That was the finest dinner I've ever had.

Thank you. Now, good night, all.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, mr. Canfield,

do you really have to go? I mean... I mean, it's so early.

It's just the shank of the evening.

I think I'd better run along home.

Oh, wouldn't you like to stay

and play a game of pinochle or somethin'?

Oh, that sounds wonderful.

S-some other night, huh? Goodbye.

Mercy me!

Now that you mention it, maybe I could.

What?

Get out of my engagement tomorrow night.

It's just my sewing club.

I think I could miss one meeting.

Well, wonderful.

I'll pick you up at : . We'll do the town.

Ooh, perfect.

And we'll make it a quiet evening, if you like.

You know, we'll come back early

so it won't be too tiring for you.

Oh, don't you be silly!

You plan it just as if you're in washington.

I've always been a kind of night owl.

Oh, you have? Well, fine, fine, fine.

: It is, huh? Fine.

Toodle-oo, toodle-oo. Toodle-oo.

Bye. Bye.

I told you he'd ask me a third time.

[Humming]

mornin', ope.

Morning, pa. Sleep good?

I think so.

How come you're making breakfast this morning, pa?

Is aunt bee sick? No.

She got in past : from her date last night,

and she's still sleepin'.

Oh.

There's your cereal and milk.

Put some milk on there and eat it.

Ok.

Yeah, she's not used to stayin' up that late.

Poor aunt bee. Poor aunt bee.

[Bee singing]

good morning. Good morning.

Andy, what are you doing at the stove?

Fixin' breakfast. Well, you shoo.

That's my department. You know that.

♪ Chinatown, my chinatown ♪

aren't you tired?

No. I feel fine.

But you got in so late.

I know. We had the most wonderful evening.

Guess where we had dinner? Where?

The reef at nags head.

Oh, that's classy.

I had the fish platter with a lemon-butter sauce,

and john had the pounded steak,

and we both had lace cornbread. Oh.

Ooh, it was delicious.

Then we went to the shrine club for dancing.

We danced for almost hours.

John is a shriner. Did you know that? No.

Well, it's really hard to be a shriner, and john is a shriner.

Good.

Then we went for a long, long walk.

We walked for miles and miles.

We were talking so much we didn't notice.

Sounds like a pretty strenuous evenin'.

You better take it easy.

Oh, for goodness' sakes, andy!

You talk like I was a tottering old lady. Go sit down.

Oh, no, no, i... I didn't mean it that way.

It's just that... That... That... That

you're not used to as strenuous an evening as, uh, mr. Canfield is.

Oh, for goodness' sakes, now I've heard everything.

Just because he lived in the big city

doesn't mean he has more energy than I have.

Oh, no, no, no.

We've got something planned for tonight, tomorrow night,

and the next night.

Every night?

Well, you never can tell.

But you hardly ever go out more than once a week,

twice at the outside.

It's only because nobody ever invited me out more often.

♪ Chinatown, my chinatown ♪

♪ when the lights are low ♪

[inaudible]

well, I don't understand it.

Here it is : . They've been out all day.

Now, when are they comin' home?

Well, I think it's wonderful they're having such a good time.

Well, I do, too,

but I don't see how she can stand it.

She's been runnin' around with him all hours.

She usually goes to bed right after the : news.

Well, I guess it's true, love is for the young at heart.

I suppose.

Your neighbor, mr. Branch, is staring over here.

I wish he wouldn't do that.

Don't you think you ought to speak to him or something?

Well, he never speaks back. He just nods.

Should you say something? He's staring right at us.

Hi, mr. Branch!

See?

Well, it looks like the mayberry jet set's comin' in for a landing.

[Vehicle approaches]

well, I see you got back. Hi!

Here we are, back again.

Oh, andy, we had the most wonderful time.

We drove to mt. Pilot,

and I showed john all the shops.

Oh, good.

That town has surely grown since last I saw it.

Yeah, there's a lot of people moved in since the pulp mill came.

Oh, oh. Well, that's what I like to see, progress.

What time shall I pick you up, bee?

Well, let's say : ?

You're goin' out again?

Yes. We're going to the square dance.

Yeah, we sure are. Up and at 'em!

Well, so long, everybody.

Bye. Bye.

Toodle-oo. Toodle-oo.

You're goin' to the square dance? Yes. Aren't you coming?

♪ Swing your partner , , ♪

♪ swing her over to the old pear tree ♪

♪ do do do do do-do-do ♪

♪ do do-do-do... ♪

♪ [Fiddle playing]

square dancing takes a lot out of you, you know that?

[People clapping] oh, it's nice to have some fresh air.

Hot in there. So, do you know where we can get some air.

[Bee whooping]

[laughing]

I enjoyed that. Didn't you, john?

Yeah, wonderful, wonderful,

but I would have liked it better

if they'd pick up the b*at a little.

Oh!

How are you two holding up?

Oh, just barely holding up. Just barely.

♪ [Country music playing]

let's go. They're starting another number.

Oh, aren't you kids coming? Come on.

"Aren't you kids coming?"

There's no stopping her tonight.

She's like a ball of fire.

[Telephone ringing]

hello.

Oh, hi, helen.

Well, I'm b*at. b*at!

How 'bout you?

Well, you got to go in trainin' for square dancin'.

Well, I think I hurt my back.

Yeah, it feels like I threw somethin' out of joint

on that last do-si-do.

I don't know what time they came in.

I was in the bed moanin' by the time they got here.

Yeah.

I don't know what they've got planned for today.

I guess it's a game of touch football.

Yeah. Right.

Ok, I'll see you.

Bye.

(Bee) mmm.

Ooh.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning.

Nice morning. Yes, it is.

Nice dance last night, too.

Yes, it was lovely.

Somethin' wrong with your feet?

My feet? Why? What gave you that idea?

I don't know. It just seemed like

you were soakin' them in a pan of water.

Oh, well, I just didn't want to take a whole bath.

Oh, I guess that makes sense.

Some people get up in the mornin'

and throw a little water on their face.

You throw a little on your feet.

Yes, that's right.

[Sniffing]

[clears throat]

a little, uh, liniment?

Hello, john?

Good morning. How are you today?

Good.

Hmm?

No, no, I wasn't in bed.

As a matter of fact, I got up early

and did a little gardening.

Well, about today, john,

I can be ready any time you want me to, it's just...

Oh, oh, yes. Well, that's all right.

Oh, no, don't be silly. I'm not disappointed.

It's probably a little chilly for a picnic today, anyway.

It's quite all right.

Now, about tonight, john...

Oh?

Oh, I see.

Yes. Of course.

Goodbye.

Funny, isn't it?

There I was trying to think how I could manage,

and all of the sudden the problem is solved.

What happened?

He canceled our date.

Hmm. What'd he say?

He said something came up.

I think I know what it was.

I was pressing too hard and it showed.

I was trying to prove I could keep up

with any of his lady friends in washington,

but I didn't fool him, not for a minute.

Oh, and this is ironic.

I've always felt so sorry

for women who tried to act half their age

and made fools of themselves,

and here am i, the worst fool of them all.

Oh, now, aunt bee, it's just one date.

Maybe somethin' did come up.

I'd like to think so.

Well, i... I feel badly about this, andy, I really do.

I hope she understands.

Yeah, I think she does.

This is an awful hard thing

for a man like me to have to admit, but...

Well, I just can't keep up with her.

You can't keep up with her? That's right.

I don't know how she manages to stay so full of pep.

Goodness knows, I've tried to keep up with her.

I've doubled up on my vitamins, and...

I tell you, if I went out with her one more time without a rest,

i... I'd keel over from exhaustion.

[Laughing]

you know what I was doing before you came in here? What?

I was soaking my feet in a tub of hot water.

But you said yourself it's the kind of life you lead in washington.

Oh, well, now, you ought to know enough about politicians

to know that they stretch the truth once in a while.

[Chuckles]

I'd like to keep on seeing bee,

because she's a wonderful woman,

but if we could only spend our time a little more quietly,

you know what I mean?

Well,

I tell you what, now, I could talk to her.

Now it might be hard to... To convince a woman like my aunt bee

to slow down,

but I've got a hunch that it might work out.

I'd appreciate that, andy. I really would.

I think... Uh-oh.

That's all right. I can see myself to the door.

Oh, all right.

Well, bless you. Good night.

Uh...

I know where you can get some liniment.

♪ [Playing guitar]

[crickets chirping]

hmm.

Boy, there's nothin' like a nice quiet evenin'.

Simple pleasures are the best.

But it's a shame we're not doing something.

Mmm?

♪ [Whistling]

you know what we ought to do?

What?

Go down to the drug store and get a cherry smash.

Hmm. Hmm?

Fine. Ok.

[Sighs]

well... I don't know about ginger rogers,

but I think fred astaire's gonna start snoring any minute.