06x07 - Off to Hollywood

[bunniefuu]

[Whistling]

[door opening]

hey, warren. Hey, goober.

Just changed another tire.

Andy been in yet?

No, not yet. Uh, anything I can do for you?

Oh, I just wanted to tell him

I can grease his squad car around :

if he wasn't gonna use it.

Well, just leave a note here on the desk.

That way, there won't be any chance for a slip-up.

Well, couldn't you just tell him?

Leave a note on the desk, goober.

You sure believe in doing things right, don't you, warren?

Goober, when you've spent weeks in the sheriff's academy,

as I have, you learn things.

You learn what is important and what is not important.

They teach you're supposed to leave notes.

They taught me that efficiency is a deputy's duty.

Oh.

And I happen to pride myself on efficiency.

I was fourth in my class.

That's how I happened to get this job right here in mayberry.

I guess being floyd lawson's nephew didn't hurt none.

Oh, I've been waiting for that. I've been waiting for that one.

All right, goober, let's clear the air right now.

I have never, ever used my family ties.

A man who can't get ahead on his own isn't worth his salt.

That's another thing they taught me at the sheriff's academy.

"Dear andy, do you want the squad car greased?

Yours truly, goober." Is that all right?

That's fine, goober. Well, ain't no date on it.

Just set it down on the desk, goober.

Wonder what they want with andy. Who's that?

"Belmont pictures studio, hollywood, california."

What are they writin' him for?

I have no idea and frankly, goober, that is none of our beeswax.

[Sniffing]

what are you smellin' it for, goober?

There's no scent to it, it's a business letter.

Well, it sure looks important. When's he coming back?

No idea.

Know what my grandma used to do with letters?

Used to steam them open with a tea kettle. Boy, she was slick.

Couldn't even tell she'd done it.

Well, that's, uh, that's an old trick.

You know what your sharpies do

when they wanna see what's inside a letter, don't you? Huh?

No. No. No! Huh? Huh?

All right, I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna give you

what we call a visual demonstration. Follow me.

See, now your sharpies hold it up to the light

so they can read right through it. Yeah.

This is very illegal, goober. Very illegal.

They hold it up there like this. Uh-huh. Do you see anything?

(Warren) not yet. No.

Well, switch her around a little bit. Oh, yeah.

(Warren) uh-huh. Uh-huh. Something's coming through, goober,

something's coming through. Well, what is it?

(Warren) I can't make it out, yet.

(Andy) maybe I can help.

Oh, hi, andy. I... I was just showing goober here

the way the sharpies look in other people's mail.

Terrible practice. Very common, too.

So I see. Yeah.

Well, that's the way it's done, goober.

It's against the law. You might pass the information along.

How are things, andy? Fine.

Any particular letter you were using?

Uh, no, I didn't even notice, andy. You did, too.

It was the one from belmont film studios, hollywood, california.

You guys wanna find something to do?

Uh, you wanna find something to do, goober?

Hmm.

(Andy) well, I'll be dogged.

Well, I'll be dogged.

[Chuckles]

that's a check for $ million. $ Million?

It's $ , . With all them zeros?

Well, I'll be dogged. What's it for, andy?

Well, sometime back, there was a piece written on me

in a magazine called "sheriff without a g*n"

and this... This belmont picture company

is gonna make a movie out of it

and they're sending me $ , for the rights.

Ooh, a picture about your life!

That's really somethin', isn't it?

Boy, what are you gonna do with the money, andy? I don't know.

Want your car greased? No, thank you.

Listen, goober. Don't say anything to anybody about this.

Gotcha.

Ok.

I'm gonna go home and tell the family.

Oh, sure. They'll get a big kick out of it. Yeah.

Don't spend it all in one place!

A check for $ , .

Pa, does this make us rich?

Oh, no, not rich.

But we're certainly better off than we were before.

Oh, my goodness, sakes alive.

My, those movie companies must have a lot of money to spend.

$ , . Well, I guess they're not chintzy.

Are you gonna be famous, pa?

Oh, no, no.

It's just... They sent this 'cause they're gonna use my name

and the fact that I don't wear a g*n.

Oh, I'm gonna call clara... I wish you wouldn't.

Oh, well, what's the fun of having money

if you don't tell your friends about it?

Let's not tell everybody. Let's just kind of keep it to ourselves.

Well, as you say. Ok.

Can I ask you a question, pa?

[Andy clearing throat]

what are you gonna buy with the money?

Well, I figured we'd put this right in the bank.

Aw, gee.

Well, you know what they say:

"a dollar saved is a dollar earned."

Oh, andy, you should spend some of it.

Well, why? We don't need anything.

Well, what's the fun to buying things you need?

What?

No! Buy something absolutely unnecessary

and then it's a... What do they say?

A blast!

Oh, no. No, no.

I think we ought to put this right in the bank.

That way we know where it is. Yeah.

Of course, I guess we ought to celebrate.

Why don't we have helen over to supper? Fine.

Could we have chocolate ice cream, pa? Sure.

And let's start off with a crabmeat cocktail.

At least let's do something crazy.

[All chuckling]

oh...

Look at that. - - - .

[Exhales]

[chattering]

what's happening?

They wanna see the check.

Goober... Andy, it ain't my fault.

Now, I know you told me not to spread it around and I didn't.

I just told floyd, mr. Slummer and george over at the t.v. Store

and I warned them it was a secret,

but some people are just blabbermouths. I see.

Can we see it, andy? (All) yeah!

Well, all right.

Now... [All exclaiming]

let me see. Don't touch it.

Now, boys, them zeroes is the key to the whole thing.

And this came all the way from hollywood, didn't it?

Yeah. That's right.

Oh, that's amazing.

Oh, and I suppose that's the president of the company

that signed it right here.

I suppose. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Art spiegel.

Say, it's too bad you can't save that signature.

It might be worth something someday. Mmm-hmm, yeah, it might.

Uh, goober...

Oh. That's right, boys. Now, you've seen the check, so everybody out.

[All chattering]

(andy) I'll see you, boys. Thanks for coming.

That's right. Me and... Me and the sheriff showed you the check.

Everybody out.

[Sighs]

people just got to know everybody else's business.

What are you going to do with the check, andy? I don't know, goober.

I got a ' convertible over at the filling station.

Perfect shape, just like it's off the assembly line.

I can let you have it for $ , that'll leave $ for repairs.

No, goober.

Well, he don't need it. He's got the squad car.

A man doesn't want to throw his money away. Right, andy?

Right, floyd.

Well, I just thought it'd be a nice car for you. I didn't mean nothing by it.

That's ok, goober.

Well, I'll see you.

[Clicking tongue]

right.

[Door opening]

[door closing]

say, andy, uh, while I've got you here,

you know those acres that I've got over on the north side?

Yes, floyd.

Well, it's a beautiful spot.

Fill in that swamp, it'd be a paradise.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, I haven't mentioned this to a soul,

but I've been thinking about letting that go.

No, floyd.

At $ an acre.

No, floyd.

Of course, if it happened to be a personal friend of mine,

oh, I'd shave it to $ .

No, floyd.

Well, of course, if anybody else...

Floyd, I don't want it.

Well, you don't have to make up your mind now.

Just one of these days, put your wading boots on

and go over and have a look at that.

Boy, I sure like crabmeat.

Mmm. It's delicious.

Could we have this every night for supper?

Well, this is kind of a special occasion, ope.

But we'll have it again sometime, won't we, aunt bee?

Anytime you say, andy. I just love it.

Oh, this has been quite a day.

Oh, exciting.

What are you gonna do with the money?

Put it in the bank.

Put it in the bank?

What's wrong with that?

Well, why don't you have some fun with it?

Splurge. Do something crazy.

We had crabmeat tonight.

And that's about as crazy as we'll go.

Well, why don't you live it up a little?

Yeah, pa, let's live it up.

Uh, what are you talking about?

Well, when was the last time you people took a trip?

Well, we take trips.

We go up to raleigh every now and then.

And... And... And, we... We... We drove up to asheville that time, remember?

When your cousin became a mason.

Can we take a trip, pa? Can we? Can we, aunt bee?

Well, it's entirely up to your father, dear.

Well, I suppose we could take a little of the money and take a little trip.

Wanna go over to parkinson's falls? It's nice this time of year.

And opie hasn't been there since he was a baby.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, you wanna drive up to asheville again? See cousin evan moore?

He's a grand master now.

Well... Well, do you have any ideas?

Well, let me think. Um...

How about hollywood, california?

Hollywood, california!

That's a wonderful idea. Well, they're making that movie about you out there.

Why don't you go out and take a look at the place?

Yeah, pa, and we can see all the movie stars, like john wayne

and elvis presley and fabian.

Wait. Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Hollywood, california. Wouldn't that be thrilling?

Well, that's , miles away.

And a half hours by plane.

And the money.

Oh, well, that $ , was found money.

Yeah, pa, please, please?

Oh, no. Wait. We'll have to think about this.

We'll have to think about this a lot.

Yes, of course.

I mean, we just can't get on an airplane

and go to hollywood, california.

Why, we wouldn't know where to stay, or where, or anything.

It just occurred to me.

What's that?

I just happen to have some literature about hollywood.

Right here.

Here's all our answers. There you are.

Opie, you want to look at that? It's wonderful.

Let me show you something. There you are.

Oh, this is beautiful. Look at this.

Isn't this lovely?

Right here is where we could stay.

(Helen) oh, that's marvelous.

Oh, hi, aunt bee. Oh, hello, andy.

Well, just because we're going to hollywood,

you don't have to wear sunglasses.

Hmm?

Oh, oh. Oh, I find them very restful.

In the house?

Andy, did you get a chance to look at those folders?

Oh, yeah. I went over them pretty careful.

Boy, they got some beautiful places out there.

With prices to match.

Well, we don't have to stay at the most expensive.

Yeah.

I hope we're not bitin' off more than we can chew.

I don't know how smart it is for us to be taking opie out of school and everything.

Well, helen says he's doing just fine and

she can outline the work and he can keep up.

Well, I guess. Leaving warren in charge at the office...

Well, he seems like a very capable young man.

Well, man's just out of sheriff's academy. He's inexperienced.

Oh, but he's so anxious to make good and you know that can be very important.

Well, yeah, he tries hard.

And if there's anything he's unfamiliar with,

he has floyd and goober right there to help him.

Thanks.

Oh, stop worrying, andy. It'll work out just fine.

Well, and getting ready for the trip and everything. I just don't know.

I don't understand why you make so much out of it.

All you do is throw a few things in a bag and off we go.

It's as simple as that. Well, I hope so.

And the minute you get on that plane, you'll be able to relax.

Yeah. Now, let's see. What do I have to do?

Stop the milk and the newspapers.

I think you better stop and get a few more white shirts. Yeah.

And you'll get the plane tickets

and the film for the camera? Yes, ma'am. Mmm-hmm.

And ask jason to sew back the handle on the brown valise?

Yeah. And jud.

Jud better water the lawn while we're gone.

[Chattering]

all right. You've seen 'em now. Let me have 'em.

What's goin' on?

[All greeting andy]

hey, andy. They wanted to see your hollywood travel folders.

Well... [All chattering]

uh, most of us feel you ought to stay at the star bright hotel.

[All chattering]

they got t.v. In every room

and you get the morning newspaper free

from the courtesy of the management.

And complimentary shoeshine rag and shower cap.

Well, we'll take all of that into consideration.

Now, boys, if you'll excuse me, I got a lot of work to do.

That's right. Come on, everybody out. Everybody out.

(Andy) can you... Um... Yeah...

[All continue chattering]

they've got to have their nose in everything.

Yeah.

They sure got some great places out there, though.

Say, here's another nice place out there.

Oh. "Delightful gourmet cuisine in the zombie room

and luxurious orthopedic mattresses."

Orthopedic mattresses...

"At night, sway to the maraca rhythms of jose gonzalez

while the wind whistles seductively through the coco palm."

And, uh...

"Come to life under the star-studded california sky."

That sounds like a good one, floyd. Which one is that?

Uh... Uh... Senior citizens' lodge.

On route .

Oh.

[Clears throat] listen, guys,

if... If you'll excuse me, I got a lot of work to do.

That's all right, andy. You won't bother us none.

[Sighing]

hi, uncle floyd. Oh, warren.

Keepin' busy? Oh, sure. There's lots to do in this town.

You might get even busier.

The sheriff's going to hollywood on a vacation.

Hollywood!

Guess that means you'll be in charge of the office.

I guess it does.

Think you can handle it, boy?

Are you kiddin' me? Don't kid me. That's what I was trained for.

Oh, that's the spirit.

You're a lawson, all right.

When duty calls, we're always ready.

I'd better get inside. I'll see you later, uncle floyd.

Proud of you, boy!

Andy, just heard about it.

Hollywood, huh?

Oh, that's the garden spot of the world.

Real garden spots, you can take my word on that.

Oh, good. You been out there, warren?

Oh. Well, no, but I had a brother-in-law

that was stationed out there during the w*r.

The things he used to tell me that went on out there.

Well, that was before he was married to my sister.

[Chuckling] was married to your sister. Go on.

Well, there's... Warren? Warren, listen.

I want you to take over while I'm gone, you know.

And so there are a few things

I'm gonna have to go over with you.

Now, andy, you don't have to worry about anything.

The way I'll handle things,

they'll never even know you're gone. Business as usual.

Well... Now, to start with, goober...

(Goober) go on.

Well, to start with, goober, he was a... A good-lookin' guy in those days, you know.

Oh, ' ", shoulders out to here, no waist, black, wavy hair.

When he walked down the street, the girls would crawl all over him.

They were all over him. Warren?

Hold it, andy. Go on, warren.

The things that happened to this guy, things we just dream about.

You know what I mean? Yeah. What do you mean?

Well, don't get me wrong, goober.

I mean, now he's settled down.

He's living with my sister out there in moline.

They have kids, -bedroom house.

He's a member of the lions. Solid as a rock.

He's put on , pounds, lost all his hair.

[Giggling] but you know what he told me?

Warren, I've got to talk to you about things you've got to do.

Sure, andy, sh**t.

Well, the afternoon patrol, warren...

I know, I know, cover the whole north section in the squad car.

Right... They were crawling all over him.

They were all over him. They were all over him.

Well, you see, this one time he was telling me about this thing that was happening

out there in hollywood, california.

He's sittin' in a restaurant, he's havin' a cup of coffee, mindin' his own business,

and this beautiful dolly comes up to him. She is beautiful, you know.

She comes right up to him. You'd think she was a star or a waitress,

star or waitress, I forget. Doesn't make any difference, you know.

'Cause she was beautiful, you know? So she says to him...

Warren, could I talk to you a little later in the day?

Sure, andy, my time is your time.

Now, he's sitting there, you know

he doesn't say anything to her.

He's playing it real cagey...

Andy, I was just coming in to see you.

Oh, hey, mrs. Larch.

Andy, since you're going to be out in california,

I have a very dear second cousin who lives in colorado

and I was wondering, could you give her a ring

and tell her that we're all just fine?

Well, mrs. Larch, colorado's states away.

Well, you're going to be right out west there.

Well...

Well, of course, if you don't want to...

Oh, no, mrs. Larch. If, uh, if I get a chance...

Oh, well, I wouldn't want to put you out any.

Just forget I ever mentioned it.

Opie, have you got it on yet?

(Opie) yeah.

Well, come down. I want your father to see it.

(Opie) ok.

Oh, I got him the cutest outfit at weaver's today.

Just what little boys wear in hollywood. Oh, good.

He's a little shy about it, so say it's nice. Ok.

Now, doesn't he look nice?

Well, yeah, that's... That's nice.

It's awful, isn't it, pa?

Oh, no, that'll be real nice in hollywood.

Now, I told you your father would like it

and I'm so happy because, you know, that comes in men sizes, too.

Father and son sets. And I got you the same outfit.

You got me one of those?

See? He don't like it, either.

I'm taking this thing off. It's sissy.

Andy... Oh, no, no, listen, ope, I like it.

I really, really do like it because...

It's classy.

Andy, why don't you go up and try on your outfit?

Well, it's so late and everything.

If pa don't have to wear his, do I have to wear mine?

Andy?

Just beautiful, andy.

You'll make hollywood sit up and take notice.

Yeah, that ought to hold.

Yeah, I got it double-stitched.

That'll get you to hollywood and back. Yeah.

How much do I owe you?

Oh, forget it. Just a little goin' away present.

Well, thank you, mr. Jason. That's very nice of you.

Leaving tomorrow, huh? Yeah, I'm going to get the : bus to raleigh

and then right over to the airport.

Say, andy, as long as you're going to be right out there in hollywood...

Yes, mr. Jason?

I got a little niece. You've never met her.

Uh-uh.

She tap dances, plays the xylophone...

Just the kind of talent hollywood's been waitin' for.

Now, if you should just happen to run into some of them movie people...

Oh, I'll bring her name right up. I sure will.

Of course, then if she clicks and gets to be a star or somethin',

well, maybe you could be her manager. Right.

Be well worth your while.

Right. And thanks, mr.... And thanks for the... For the handle.

I've outlined opie's lessons,

but don't be too strict about his homework.

The trip itself should be educational,

meeting new people and seeing new things and all.

Yeah.

I got to tell you the truth. If I ever get back from this trip,

I don't think I'm going to take another one.

Really. What's that?

Stuff I got to do when I get to hollywood.

Call mrs. Larch's cousin in colorado.

Say hello from cousin edna.

Get autograph of tony curtis for little eileen hopkins.

Stand on the corner of hollywood and vine and say hello from floyd.

Take a picture of the pacific ocean for goober.

I got things like that.

Hmm.

Uh... What?

Well, I hate to ask you, andy.

What is it?

Well, my landlady asked me

if I'd get you to bring her back a picture of dale robertson.

Picture...

Dale... Robertson.

Ok.

That's sweet.

Ah, what's one more?

Oh, your bus leaves at noon tomorrow?

Yeah.

I hope we can get away quietly.

♪ [Playing {\i }california, here I come]{\i }

[crowd cheering]

[aunt bee exclaiming]

oh, my, this is a nice surprise.

We wanted to give you a real send-off, andy.

Well, you sure did, goober. This is really somethin'.

Opie, remember, you have to do some studying.

Don't worry, miss crump. I'll study.

He will. Good.

Hey, andy.

When's the bus coming, pa? Soon, ope, soon.

(Floyd) hey, andy! Hey, floyd.

Don't take any wooden nickels.

[All laughing]

here comes the bus.

♪ [Band resumes playing {\i }california, here I come]{\i }

well... Well, I guess that's it.

I guess.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna miss you.

Oh, I'm gonna miss you.

Oh, andy, have a good time.

I will. And keep away from those starlets.

Well, yeah... Well, I'll, uh...

I guess I'll get the bags. Andy, no need for you to get the new suit messed up.

I'll take care of the luggage. Well, ok... Ok.

Well.

Up we go.

Andy, I think it went over on the other side. Yeah.

I'll go get it. Yeah.

Well, I'll get the rest of it.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

If you got time, andy, I'll sew it up again.

No, never mind, I'll just...

I'll get it, andy. I'll get the luggage.

Well, ok.

Aunt bee, opie, come on.

We better... Bye-bye.

[All chattering] bye. Thanks. Come on!

I sure hope he can relax.

The minute he gets on the plane.

Sure. Bye, aunt bee.

I got your luggage!

I put it under the bottom!

[All bidding farewell]

hey, pa, are those farms down there?

[Shushing] opie, don't disturb your father now.

Ok.

Are you relaxing a little? Yeah.

Suddenly, mayberry seems far away, doesn't it? Yeah.

Main street and the people and... Our house.

Andy? Mmm?

You took care of everything back at the house, didn't you?

Yeah.

Good.

What did you have in mind?

Did you turn off the gas?

Stewardess! Stewardess, when's the first stop?