02x07 - Lois

[bunniefuu]

[NAMETAG ALEXANDER'S "NOT AT ALL"]

Welcome back to Roman

candle baseball World Series.

Sam Duvet at the bat.

They've just integrated the league.

He's coming to us from
the Roman candle baseball

n*gro leagues.

It's a proud day for me.

He was not very good there,

but he is fantastic with the whites.

I feel like Superman on Earth.

I got powers here, baby.

Lot of folks in the stands
not happy with the decision.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Get him off the field!

This a white man's sport!

They'll steal our women!

Say hello to a new day,
you white pieces of sh*t!

Here comes the first pitch!

- [ROMAN CANDLE FIRES]
- Strike one!

- [ROMAN CANDLE FIRES]
- Strike two!

- [ROMAN CANDLE FIRES]
- Crap!

- [ROMAN CANDLE FIRES]
- Oh sh... Chrissy, spray him!

Spray him, Chrissy, spray him off!

Dumbass.

Actually, all y'all
are a bunch of dumbasses

- if you ask me.
- Hey, Lois.

Hey, girl.

Tim Cramblin, you still here?

Hey, Lois.

I've been working the
line next to your wife

for the last ten years,
and every day I ask her

when is she gonna dump your sorry ass?

- What does she say?
- She says she's not, right?

- [LAUGHTER]
- Hey, Sam.

Hey, Lois.

If you're not careful,
I'm gonna have to leave my husband

and run away with you.

Actually, I've got seconds right now.

You want to show me what you got?

Oh, I'm gonna need more time than that.

Like at least a half hour.

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah, that's because he
gonna have to take a dump

before and after.

First of all, how do you know that?

Second, shut up.

You want to make me?

Do I have to?

Don't hit her in the face, Sam.

Actually go ahead. It might shake

that sh*t back into place.

[LAUGHTER]

You think I enjoy working
next to you every day?

You're like a chimney with titties!

Yeah, old baggy ones too!

You better look out,
Tommy Hearns will come by

and bounce those things around like...

[IMITATES SPEEDBAG]

Yeah, Lois, you're no prize yourself.

You're pretty old, you
smoke, you eat like crap,

- Frickin' disgusting.
- Tim!

How is that different from
what you guys were doing?

It can't be like real, Tim.

I see you still don't have kids.

You still sh**ting blanks, Tim?

Heck no, I'm packed full of sperm.

They're huge too. I can feel
them inside me right now.

Sometimes they hurt when they blast out.

Tim, come on.

I'm joking.
I don't know how to do it, I guess.

♪ Last I heard he caught the flu
and you was worried ♪

♪ Hope he feels better ♪

♪ And thanks, Jonetta from Cleveland ♪

Hey.

Can we have one of those?

Oh, by all means.

Ladies, be my guest.

"Be my guest." You proper!

- Excuse me?
- You talk proper.

What do you even mean?

The way you talk is proper.

Proper? sh**t, girl.

Far from it.

- Oh, okay.
- Is this your house?

Yeah, this the crib right here.

This is my homegirl Jasmin,
but she got a boyfriend.

I'm Angel, though.

Oh, for real... oh, word?

Word.

I'm Sam.

[FIREWORKS EXPLODING]

Oooh!

I mean, that's it? sh**t.

I mean that last one,
though, was spectacular.

Sam! Did you see that last one?

- Whoa!
- [MOUTHING]

Yo, patriotic as a muh.

Happy Fourth of July, everybody!

Happy Fourth, Lois.

I love you, you little bony bitch!

[SOFT ORGAN MUSIC]

♪

- Hey, babe.
- Hey.

- How you doing?
- I'm holding up.

Hang in there, dum-dum. Love you.

Guys, this is Elwood. He was Lois' husband.

Oh, we're so sorry for your loss.
We loved Lois very much.

Damn emphysema. If only I told her not

to smoke that last cigarette.

I don't think it was the
last cigarette that did it.

[WHISPERED] Plus she ate like sh*t.

Tim!

Let us know if you ever need anything.

Someone to hang out with
or just someone to talk to.

Tomorrow.

Huh?

Well, let's hang out tomorrow.

Okay.

Yeah, that'll be nice.

- Oh!
- Oh, no!

What in the world?

Move on! This was her
final wish. We respected it.

Now just move on!

So... waxy.

- She looks lovely.
- Thank you.

BOTH: Whoa!

♪ Next time when they ask you
where you're from ♪

♪ You gonna say Detroit City ♪

♪ Where we get you back on your feet ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Good afternoon.

Lois Warfield was a dedicated friend,

a loving wife, and a
proud union autoworker.

And while we mourn her loss,
let's look at the bright side.

God's car's gonna be running
a little smoother tonight.

[LAUGHTER]

And trust me, you know the big man

won't be driving an import. Amen.

[LAUGHTER]

It's not funny.

They're just laughing 'cause he's a pastor.

I know, he's capitalizing
on these people's sorrow.

It's bull[BLEEP].

Some of Lois' friends and family have asked

to say a few words.

Looking in the crowd at
the faces of all my coworkers,

I'm gonna miss all the sh*t
that Lois said about you

every single day.

[LAUGHTER]

I mean, Fred, with Lois
gone, who I'm gonna laugh with

about your double chins?

Double chins?

That's muscle, playa.

A lot of people thought Lois was mean,

but I knew with every jab,

every insult,

it was just her way of saying

"I love you."

I don't know what I'm
gonna do without Lois.

Who's gonna make my sandwich?

Who's gonna make my bed?

Mm? That's it?

- Okay, then.
- That's all he's gonna say.

And we gotta hang out
with this guy tomorrow.

- Well, you do.
- Thank you, brother Elwood.

- Thank you.
- No problem.

It was a lovely service. Thank you.

Thank you, thank you. I'm
sorry again for your loss.

- Thank you.
- All right.

Yeah, I just want to say
it was a beautiful service,

but you and I both know
you wouldn't have gotten

those laughs if you weren't a pastor.

[SCOFFS] I'm sorry?

Oh, it's no big deal. I don't care.

I'm just saying you're not actually funny,

so don't feel proud about today.

People grieve in their own ways, son.

- No. No.
- I just wanted to say, beautiful service.

Oh, thank you.

I hope you don't think you
deserved any of those laughs...

- No, I just told him. I just told him.
- Oh, okay.

I just gave him the heads up.

Okay, yeah, that's the
worst kind of hack there is.

- Beautiful service, though!
- Beautiful!

- Thank you again, gentlemen.
- My condolences.

- Yeah, sure.
- Okay, yeah, sure.

Can't wait for tomorrow, Tim.

Yeah, me neither. I'll be by then.

And you'll stay a while?

Yes.

Ugh. You invited Angel to a funeral?

Nah, she's just picking me up.

I wanted her to see me in this suit.

I mean, you do look good in that suit.

Oh, and some buffs!

Oh!

You're ready? I'm sorry about your friend.

No, no, it's cool, it's
cool. I mean, she flown.

But I tell you what, baby,
why don't you go grab the whip.

Uh... I gotta holla at
my... my baby right here

about some business real quick.

- Okay.
- All right.

- Shut up, Tim.
- All right, then.

- All right?
- You're gonna get busted.

I'm not gonna get busted.
I can keep this up.

- Sam!
- Huh?

- You comin'?
- sh**t, baby,

I ain't said nothing
but a mother[BLEEP] word.

See ya, Sam.

Yeah, baby. No, oh, word? sh**t!

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, no. It ain't
nothing but a thing.

All right. Yeah, I'll run through then.

All right, peace. That was Angel.

Yeah, I know, because of how you talked.

Did it sound natural?

No, you're gonna get busted.

sh**t, I'm gonna be just fine,

pl-pl-pep
boy.

- Pep boy?
- Oh, no.

Uh-oh!

See you later. I'm going to work.

Okay. You're gonna be all right?

It's gonna be tough
working with someone new.

Yeah, I know, but I'm
gonna go in with an open mind.

- Mm-hmm.
- She won't be Lois,

but no one is.

Ah, but, Chrissy, think of how hard

it's gonna be on your new
linemate when she finds out...

Never mind.

What?

It was just a perfectly-worded slam

that would've totally devastated you,

but you're grieving, so...

- Thank you, Sam.
- Thank you, Sam.

- You're welcome.
- So nice of you.

- Bye. I love you.
- Love you too.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Hey, I'm here.
- Come on in,

I'll show you around the house.

Okay. Sure.

This used to be our room.

Pictures.

Lamp.

That used to be our bed.

Sorry it's a mess, but
Lois used to make the bed.

Now,

she's gone.

Hey, I can make the bed for you, Elwood.

You'd do that for me?

Yeah, I'd be happy to. Yes.

Wow, look at you.

You're a pro at that.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Thank you.

This is the kitchen.

Lois used to make sandwiches for me

in here when she was alive.

Now she's sandwiches for worms.

I sure am hungry.

I can make you a sandwich, Elwood.

Well, you were so good at making that bed.

[LAUGHTER] Shut up.

You're a good man, Tim.

Yeah, well, everybody loved Lois,

so it's no problem at all.

What's the ETA on that sandwich?

- It's coming.
- Like five?

- Ten?
- Probably ten.

Five would be better.

Okay, yeah.

I'll see what I can do.
Everybody loved Lois very much.

♪

♪ You came into my life ♪

Oh, baby, how about "Star Century Prime"?

You know? I heard it just came out today,

it looks good as mud.

No, let's just go see "Fat Bieber."

Yeah, it does look hilarious.

- Yeah.
- Hell yeah.

But you know, I heard "Star Century Prime"

is % on Rotten Tomatoes.
I mean that's consensus.

Well, you know, Jasmin
saw "Fat Bieber" yesterday,

- and she said it was real funny.
- Jasmin said that, huh?

Yeah, well, I guess she knows
more than Leonard Maltin.

- Leonard Maltin!
- [LAUGHTER]

No, you know what? Let's
go to "Fat Bieber" then.

sh**t, we might mess
around and see two movies.

- You play too much.
- No.

♪ Whoa, baby, whoa, baby I'm coming home ♪

- ♪ Baby, whoa, baby ♪
- Yo, Chrissy!

Bring it in, bring it in.

Chrissy, this is Margaret,
your new linemate.

Margaret, this is Chrissy.

She gonna be showing you the
ropes, all right? All right.

- Hey, Margaret.
- Chrissy, nice to meet you.

You check out Fred and his double chins?

His neck lookin' like a sideways butt.

He was very nice to me.

Yeah, sure, sorry.

My old linemate and I
used to make fun of people.

Just our way of showing love.

Well, I was bullied as a kid,

so that sort of thing isn't fun for me.

- Oh, sorry.
- Kids can be so mean.

Kids made fun of me because
my head was always in a book.

My hairline started at my eyebrows.

[SUPPRESSED LAUGHTER]

That must've been very hard for you.

It was.

So you were like Moe
from "The Three Stooges?"

sh*t!

Okay. Back door's locked
and I checked the crawlspace.

Nobody in there.

Well, Elwood, I've had a
great entire Sunday with you.

Do you mind staying until
I fall asleep? Lois used to.

Yeah, but she used to live here.

And she d*ed here.

[SIGHS]

I don't know how I'm
ever gonna get to sleep

without the smell of smoke in here.

- I'm not smoking, Elwood.
- I don't smoke.

Nighty night.

Oh, no! Yo, I grew up and got fat, yo!

[LAUGHTER]

I'm gonna have to go back
in Usher's time machine

and warn myself not to smoke weed!

Mm-hmm! Don't you do it, Justin!

- You smoke that kush!
- [LAUGHTER]

Babe, I'm trying to listen, okay?

If we're gonna talk, we're gonna talk,

but if we're gonna watch the
movie, let's just watch the movie.

Okay, here I go! Come on, Sammich.

Man, that [BLEEP] fat!

[LAUGHTER]

Let's maybe leave the
jokes to the professionals.

Man, turn your ass around!

[DRAMATIC CINEMATIC MUSIC]

I will have you ejected, just so you know.

♪

[LAUGHTER] He wild!

- Yeah.
- Wild! Wild!

Look at how fat he is. [LAUGHTER]

♪

- That big ol' fat n*gro.
- [LAUGHTER]

Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh! This is amazing!

What?

Uh, we smashing, you know what I mean?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

[BOTH MOANING]

Oh, yeah! Talk more to me, daddy!

Nah, dawg.

Boom, boom, boom, boom!
I'm putting in work!

- I'm all up in them guts.
- Oh, no!

- Whoa! Jesus!
- I'm sorry.

Sam, if Dad heard you talking like that,

he would b*at your ass.

[SCOFFS] I would knock Dad out.

I mean, don't tell Dad.

Sam, I don't know why you're acting

like somebody you're not,

just to impress some hoochie mama.

Chrissy! "Hoochie mama"?

Shame on you for judging people,

when you yourself are
the biggest piece of sh*t

I've ever seen.

Sam, her linemate just d*ed.

Ah, a week ago. Gloves are off.

She's got a new linemate. Who cares?

But I can't say anything
to Margaret or she'll cry.

What do you mean?

She was bullied as a kid,
so I can't say sh*t about her

or anybody else.

The other day, Fred farted
so hard his back went out.

[LAUGHTER]

She didn't even giggle!

She said, "It's not
funny! He's actually hurt!"

[LAUGHTER]

I'm sorry, babe. That sucks.

He's getting workman's comp.

[LAUGHTER]

- See? It's funny!
- Yes!

Lunchtime.

Mm-mm-mm! Look
at that hamper.

You know, Lois used to do the laundry.

Yeah, yeah, she did everything around here.

And you know what?

I am not Lois!

Elwood, it's time for you to
start making your own damn bed!

It's time for you to start making

your own damn sandwiches.

It's not hard! Just put two pieces of bread

around slices of meat!

- Is this it?
- No, that's a ball!

Come on, I feel like you're
getting it wrong on purpose.

No, I'm not! I can't do it.

Well, then you're gonna have
to figure this sh*t out, man.

One day, I'll die and Chrissy
will have to figure out

how to go on without me!

- Maybe she could remarry.
- No!

If your spouse dies and you
remarry, you go to Hell, man!

Sorry. Come here.

Good-bye, Elwood.

You can do this.

[FUNKY, UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪

Margaret, I'm sorry we
got off on the wrong foot.

But I can't work in silence every day.

I have to talk, or I'll go crazy.

You want to make fun of
people. I don't like bullies.

I know.

It's because my hairline
used to start at my eyebrows.

Oh, I know, and it
sucks that happened to you.

They used to say the meanest things to me.

They used to call me "Bride of Chewbacca."

Maybe you should tell me
what else they would call you.

You know, to get it off of your chest.

They used to call me
the Forehead-less Horseman.

Assholes!

'Sup, ladies?

What do you think those jerks would've said

about Little Joey?

Oh, man, they'd probably
say something like,

"Little Joey's so short,

he needs a ladder to
go down on Tinkerbell."

You know, like he'd have
to climb up that ladder

to [BLEEP] out her vag*na
or something like that.

That is so mean. What do you
think they'd say about Fred?

They'd say, "Fred's neck is so weak,

he has to ask his tits for lunch money."

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

What up, y'all?

This my man, Sam.

Ha. 'Sup, 'sup, 'sup?

Ooh, y'all... y'all drinkin', huh?

Uh, let me get a Hpno.

[LAUGHTER] You know what I'm saying?

Yo, Sam, your pants
tight as hell, my [BLEEP]

Yeah, that's funny you mentioned that,

'cause this is the only pants
I had that was, uh... clean.

I went... I bought some...
I thought I was getting these

in a XXL, and I got home, these are medium.

I was like, I gotta go to the store

and talk to these people face to face.

So I went to the store, I was like, "Hey!"

Hey, my brah, uh... You gave
me the wrong size pants."

And it was like, "Nothing
I can do for you, man."

I was like, "Really, bro?" [LAUGHS]

And then, so I was like,
"Let me talk to your manager."

And then the manager
came out, and it's like,

"Nothing I can do for you.
We have no refund policy."

So, I was like, "You about to come up

with a refund for me, ...."

You ever notice how some
folks say the word [BLEEP],

it just doesn't sound right?

- Leave him alone, Ray.
- Okay?

'Cause he may talk white,
but he's still cute.

Actually, I'm sexy,

but I don't even really talk white, baby.

- I don't even know...
- Sam.

Listen to your voicemail.

Yello, you've reached Sam Duvet.

You know what to do, and
that is leave a message.

[LAUGHTER]

"Yello, you've reached
Frasier. Leave a message."

[LAUGHTER]

All right! You got me!

I talk "proper"!

I can't even see with
these on. So, okay. So what?

So because I talk proper
that means I talk white?

And then thus, to speak improperly

means you speak black?
Are we okay with this?

Are we okay with this as a people? Hmm?

[LAUGHTER]

You know what's cool? [LAUGHTER]

Being your ding-dong self.

How 'bout that?

Unless you are being yourselves,

which I... you probably are,

I don't know! I don't
care! I guess my point is...

Is just have a good time! Cheers!

Oh, heavens, is there
pineapple in this Hpnotiq?

I'm allergic to pineapple!

- [LAUGHTER]
- It's not funny!

It's a legitimate allergy!

I need an antihistamine or an EpiPen!

Once I got her talking,
Margaret never stopped.

Today was actually a pretty fun day.

Chrissy, you just
tricked her into being mean.

You're a bad person.

Go eat pineapples, you fat head.

Shut up.

Hey, this is Sam. Leave a message.

Why do we still have to do this?

I thought Angel dumped you.

You've reached Sam Duvet.
Leave your thing at the bizzay!

- Just use your regular voice.
- I'm trying!

Hey, you've reached Slammin' Sammy Duvet!

I'm not here right now, because
I'm out rocking the jocks!

- There it is.
- There you go. Thank you.

- That's all I ask.
- That's it.

- That one felt right.
- Use your regular voice.

- That was it.
- That's normal me.

.

["WAIT FOR A MOMENT" BY VULFPECK]

[SUNNY ORGAN MELODY]

♪

♪ Yeah, oh yeah ♪

[STOVETOP IGNITER CLICKING]

No, I'm on my own now.

I have to do this for myself.

♪ Gone home, went to bed ♪

♪ While the other kids they're still outside ♪

[EXPLOSIONS]

[SOMBER ORGAN MUSIC]

♪

Elwood Warfield was a dedicated friend,

a loving husband,

and though unemployed,
he made life his job,

which I guess he's now been fired from.

[LAUGHTER]

- It's funny.
- That's a good joke.

- That was actually funny.
- That was pretty funny.

Damn it.

[WHISPERED] Yep, it was good.