08x06 - Howard's Main Event

[bunniefuu]

It says here that a fella
can learn a foreign language

while they sleep
just by listening to records.

You suppose that's
on the level, Howard?

Oh, yeah, sure.

It's known that the mind
never sleeps,

and by playing a record
over and over again,

the unconscious
absorbs the words.

Well, it wouldn't work for me.
Why?

I don't have a record player.

You thinking about learning
a foreign language, goob?

Yeah, Swedish.

Swedish? Why do you
want to learn that?

Well, a fella come in once
for gas,

and he only spoke Swedish.

Oh.

I thought it'd be nice,
if he ever come back in again,

that I could answer him
in his native tongue.

Mm-hmm.

Huh.

Yeah.

Well, whatever language
she speaks,

I'm ready to learn it.

Hey, look.

She's going into
boysinger's bakery.

Oh, yeah, I bet
she's going to work there.

Mr. Boysinger
said he had

a new girl coming in
from mt. Pilot.

Hey, Andy, when's the last time

you had a cream bun?

Oh...

Me, too, you know

and I got a real craving
for a cream bun right now.

How about you?

It's a little
close to lunch, Howard.

Oh, it's my treat, Andy.

Oh, I don't know...

Aw, come on, Andy.

It's my treat, my treat.

Okay.

I wouldn't want to stand
in between you and...

A cream bun.

Well, good.
How about you, goober?

I got to go to work
but you owe me one.

Right.

Come on, Andy.

Good morning.

Hello, Millie.

How did you know my name?

I don't think
I'm wanted for anything.

I read your Millie pin.

Oh... that isn't fair.

All your pin says is "sheriff."

Oh, Andy Taylor.

Hi, sheriff Andy Taylor.

Hello.

Oh, this is

our county clerk,
Howard sprague.

Oh.

Howard, say hello to Millie.

Hello.

Hello.

Well, what can I do for you?

Oh, well, Andy here

has a real craving
for a cream bun.

Right, Andy?

Yes, I do.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Boysinger
didn't bake the cream buns yet.

What about a cinnamon roll,
or a lady finger?

I know.

What about a nice rum cake,
sheriff?

Oh, I don't know...
It's a little early

in the day for that.

Well, actually,
the alcoholic content

of rum cake's
very negligible, Andy.

Well, Howard, if, uh,
if you want to take

your chances with rum cake
you're on your own.

I have to go to work.

Nice seeing you, Millie.

Come again, sheriff.

Hey, uh... Howard

when you come out of here

you better be able
to walk a chalk line.

Aw...

That's a real nice sheriff.

Yes, yes.

Yes, he is.

We in Mayberry
feel very fortunate

to have a man of his caliber.

Oh, you should.

We do.

How do you like Mayberry?

Oh, fine.

What little I've seen of it.

Everybody seems very friendly.

Well, it must seem kind of tame
to you, after mt. Pilot.

I hear that's kind
of a live town.

Oh, I-I don't know.

I think what a town is
depends on the people.

Don't you?

Yeah. I suppose so.

Well, I have to be going now.

Wheels of commerce, you know.

Bye.

Bye.

Oh, what about your rum cake?

Oh, well, actually
it's so close to lunch

that I think I'll just pass.

Oh.

Maybe you could tell me.

Where's a good place to eat?

Well, there's not
much choice, actually.

Most of us eat at the diner.

Well, if the diner's
good enough for most of you

it's good enough for me.

Do I need a reservation?

Not if you go early.
Th-that's what I do.

Maybe we could
go early together.

Howard...

I think that's very friendly.

Well...

Finished your work?

Yeah, just a little catching up.

Want to go to the show?

Gee... I don't
think so, goober.

Howard's taking Millie
to the show.

Oh, really?

He's moving right in on
that situation, isn't he?

Once them bashful fellers
get started, they're tigers.

Yeah. That Howard.

That never was
your problem, I guess.

Being shy around girls.

No.

Huh.
Except every once in a while

when I take out one of them
girls from the softball team

they think they're so much.

Yeah.

Boy.

Me and Howard's double-dating
tomorrow night.

No kidding?
That ought to be nice.

We're going in Howard's car.

I'm going with Gloria.
You know Gloria?

Yeah.

We're going to Myers' lake.

Oh.

Gloria won't go with me
in the truck.

That's why we're

going in Howard's car.

Well, Howard's got the car
for Myers' lake all right.

Yeah. Eight cylinders.

Hey, I'm looking for a gal
named Millie Hutchins.

She's only been in town
a couple of days.

Would you know where
I could find her?

She went to the show tonight.

That one down there?

That's the only one.

Thanks.

What do you figure
he wants to see her about?

I don't know.

Thank you.

I guess that's what they call

a three-handkerchief picture.

Didn't you think
the ending was just wonderful?

Oh, yeah, yeah, but...

Well, I just wish she
hadn't k*lled herself.

But what else could
she have done?

Remember her sweetheart
was already dead.

Well, she could have
gone back to the baron.

Oh, Howard...

Hey, mil!

Hello, Clyde.

Hi, mil.

What are you doing in Mayberry?

Putting a sewer line
in for a fella.

That's nice.

Like to see you while
I'm in town, mil.

Well, Howard,
this is Clyde plaunt.

Howard sprague.

Hi.
Yeah?

How about tomorrow night, mil?

I'm sorry, Clyde

but I'm tied up tomorrow night.

Oh?

But stop by the bakery

before you leave
and say goodbye.

Thanks.

Goodbye, Clyde.

Very nice meeting you, Clyde.

Oh, yeah?

I'm sorry, Howard.

For what?

Well, Clyde.

Well, he seemed

like a very nice sort of a chap.

Really?

'Course I don't think I
could ever warm up to him.

Uh... is...

Is he a good friend of yours?

Well... he-he was.

I used to go with him
in mt. Pilot

but, well, he can't
get it through his head

that it's all over.

Well, it...
Wouldn't be easy

to give up a girl like you.

Well, shall we, uh...

Stop at the diner
and have a bite?

Mm-hmm.

Wonderful.

Hi, there.

Oh, you're Clyde...

That's right.

Well, what can I do for you...

You can stay away from my girl.

Your girl?

That's right.

Well, Millie told
me it was over.

She's wrong.

I have a perfect right...

You're wrong.

If you don't mind,
I'd like to complete a sentence.

Look, ace,
you can't tell me anything

a lot of other guys
haven't told me in the past

and I gave them
the same friendly advice.

And did they all take
your advice?

Yeah. Some right away

some when they got out
of the hospital.

Why, that sounds like a thr*at.

You got it, ace.

You date mil one more time

and I'm going to take you apart.

Sarah, would you get me
boysinger's bakery, please?

Hello, Millie?
It's me... Howard.

Uh...about tonight,
Millie,

i-i-I'm afraid I won't
be able to make it.

Well, you know,
it's the press of business,

county affairs, and all,

and, well, I'm afraid I'm just
going to have to keep my nose

to the old grindstone and...

Yeah, I am, too, Millie.

I will, yeah.

Goodbye.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

I always say it's a small diner.

Get your work done?

Yeah. Yeah, I, uh...

Sort of kind of thought

I deserved
a little coffee break.

Me, too. I was at the library.

Oh.

Um...

It's a shame
to tie up two tables.

Well, uh...

Your booth or mine?

It doesn't make

much difference, I guess.

Well, you already
got your coffee.

Thank you.

Uh... I-I-I can only
stay a minute.

Oh, do you have to get
back to the office?

Uh, well, no, but...

Oh, good. You can
walk me home.

All right, shall we go?

Well, what about my coffee?

Oh, well, here's mine.

I-I-I haven't touched it.

All right

but is there any sugar?

I-I'll get you some.

May I borrow your sugar?

Yeah.

Oh.

He's bringing it.

You asked for it,
and now you're going to get it.

Oh, Clyde.

Hiya, mil.

How many lumps do you want?

The sugar's for me.

Yeah, I know, I know.

You don't look too good, ace.

Maybe you ought
to run along home.

You might be coming down
with something.

You don't want to end up
in the hospital, now, do you?

Clyde plaunt, will you
kindly leave us alone?

Bug out, ace,
while you still can.

Stay right where
you are, Howard.

I'm trying to be
a nice guy about this.

Just ignore him.
He'll go away.

Not me... he goes.

And what are you going
to do if he doesn't?

I'm going to hit him.

Yeah?

Oh, hi. Hi, Andy!

Hi, Howard.

Clyde, I want you to meet
my good friend, Andy Taylor.

Sheriff Andy Taylor.

I believe we already met.

Miss crump, this is Clyde pilot

from mt. Plount...
Uh, plaunt.

How do you do?

Yeah.

Why don't you
two folks join us, huh?

Howard, I thought
you and Millie and goober...

No, no, we had
a change in plans.

Why don't you all sit down
here right with us, huh?

You lucked out this time, ace

but I'm going
to catch up with you

when that sheriff isn't around

and you'll be wearing
that mustache

on the back of your head.

Oh, hi, there, Andy.

Oh, hi, Howard.

What, did you under-sleep
this morning?

No, no. I just thought
I'd see the dawn breakin'.

You've been here that long?

Yeah. Yeah.

You're up kinda early yourself.

Oh, well

I've got an emergency.

Oh, an emergency, huh?

Yeah. Somebody threw a rock
through Mrs. Finney's window.

Oh, well, I'll be.

Yeah. Uh, excuse me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

There we are.

Say, uh, an-Andy, why don't we

get out of town for
a couple of days, huh?

Why?

Well, maybe do a little fishing.

The fishing season's
over, Howard.

Well, maybe we can... oh.

Maybe we could go hunting.

Huntin' season doesn't start
for another month.

Well, it's got
to be some season.

Football.

Why this sudden urge
to travel, Howard?

Oh, I... I don't know.

Time of year, I guess, or...

Maybe you
could just call it wanderlust.

Oh.

Well, I can't go right now.

Not right now.

Well, I'd better get out
to miss Finney's.

Oh, hey, Andy.

Andy, hey.

I-i-i-I'll go with ya.

What do you wanna ride
way out there for?

Well, I'd like to see
how you handle

the case of the rock
through the window.

I know who threw the
rock through the window.

You do?

Mr. Finney.

He don't like her.

Well, I know
it's old stuff to you, Andy

but for a layman like me
it's fascinating to see

how you gather evidence
and unmask the guilty party.

Well, Howard, you see...

Andy, you know I've always had
a deep interest in criminology

and I'd sort of like to...

Stick close to you
for a couple of days

and see you in action.

Morning, Andy!

Hello, Howard.

I can't tell you
how worried I've been.

Oh?

Do you realize that I
shaved alone this morning

and came to work all by myself?

Well...

Now, I know something's
bothering you

and I've been waiting
for you to tell me

what it is, but I
can't wait any longer.

Now, what is it?

Oh, I just...

Uh... I don't know
how to tell you, Andy.

Either you've had
a fight with Millie

or trouble with her friend
from mt. Pilot.

Well, which is it?

Her friend.

Hmm.

Did he thr*aten
to b*at you up or something?

Andy, I don't know

how I'm going to
avoid him much longer.

Well, maybe avoiding him
isn't the answer.

But I've never had a
fight in my whole life.

Well, I'll tell you something
that happened to...

To Opie one time

and I'll tell you
what he found out.

He found out that...

Running away
from a punch in the nose

can hurt a lot worse
than takin' it.

Oh, but, Andy...

See, a punch
in the nose doesn't...

It doesn't hurt very long

but if you run away from it,
well, you might carry that

with you the rest of your life.

Yeah, I have been
pretty ashamed of myself

these last couple of days

but every time I
think about it...

Don't think of it.

It's like divin'
in a cold lake...

Once you get wet
it isn't all that bad.

I guess it... it
has to be done

uh...

Well...

Well, then I guess...

I guess this is it.

Howard, I've been lookin'
all over for ya.

What about Myers' lake tonight?

Oh, well, I don't know.

But you owe it to me, Howard.

You really owe it to me.

Goober, you seen that
new fella in town

that's been kinda
hangin' around?

That fella that
was lookin' for Millie?

He's hangin' around
down the street.

You got something goin'
with him?

Yup.

You mean, you gonna
slug it out with him?

Yeah, I'm gonna slug it out.

My mind's made up.

Take my advice...
Land the first one.

That's the whole secret
to street fightin'.

Hit 'im a sh*t in the mouth
and he'll quit.

I hadn't planned
just where to hit him yet.

If you go for the body

he'll duck and hit you
right in the face.

He'll jab, jab, jab.

Then your eyes close
and you're finished.

Already?

Yeah, so make the first leap
and watch out for his uppercut.

He catches you comin' in
he's gonna break your jaw.

Thanks, goober.

Andy, Andy, do you know
about this thing

between Howard and that feller?

Yeah.

Well, do you think
you ought to let it go on?

Well, goober, a lot of
fellas like this Clyde

just talk a good fight.

I-I've seen 'em before.

Well, Howard hasn't.

Yeah. Well, we'll stick
close just in case.

Clyde?

I hear you've been
lookin' for me.

All week, ace.

All week.

Well, here I am.

And no sheriff.

That's right, no sheriff.

I don't want nobody
pullin' us apart

once we get started.

Now, shall we find an alley
and get this thing over with?

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.
Why not?

And once we get started
we don't stop

till one of us
is stretched out, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, sure... I guess.

Say, are you an ex

are we gonna talk
or are we gonna fight?

I'm not here
for a lot of chitchat.

We're gonna fight...

But none of that karate stuff,
understand?

Oh, no.

No, no. No rules, pal.

Anything goes.

Let's go.

You know, it's just funny.

I mean, all this over a dame.

Millie is not a dame

and I'm just gonna teach that
to you real good, too.

As a matter of fact

she don't even mean
that much to me.

I mean, I don't know why

I'm soiling my hands over her.

All right, you,
now, that's it. That's it.

No, wait. Just
a second now.

I was only kiddin'
about all this.

Can't we forget about it, pal?

It's a little too late
for that now, Clyde.

No, honest. I...
I was just kiddin'.

Look, I'll see ya
around, Howard.

Hey, boy, you really
handled him, didn't ya, Howard?

Great going, Howard.

How 'bout tonight?

What?

Myers' lake...

Me 'n' you 'n' Millie 'n' Gloria
in your car.

Oh, well, maybe.

I'll call her.

Great goin', Howard.

What do say
to a cream bun, Andy?

My treat.

What's a little cookie like you

doing in a place like this?

Would you please leave me alone?

Well, cupcake, I don't see

anything in there
as sweet as you.

Please.

Why don't you pack up

one of them little bags
full of jelly doughnuts

and we'll take a little ride

out by the lake?

Look, leave me alone.

Take your cake
and get out of here.

You cuttin' in?

No. You're
cuttin' out.

Is that a fact?

Let me give you some
friendly advice, pal.

Run along.

Why should I?

Because if you don't...

That sounds like a thr*at.

Now you got it, ace.

Oh, Howard...!

Howard, are you all right?

Howard...

It doesn't work
every time, Howard.

Morning, Andy.

Oh.

Hi, goob.

Hey. Did you and Howard
go out last night?

Yeah.
Myers' lake?

Yeah, yeah.
Uh-oh.

Howard's car?
Yeah.

What kind of time did you have?
Fair.

"Fair"?
What went wrong?

Gloria couldn't go.

Oh.

Oh.