03x15 - Chapter Fifty-Nine

[bunniefuu]

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: You guys,
so much to talk about.

First, Jane and Raf.

They had a son named Mateo,
who was quite a handful.

So we would like you
to get him an aide.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
So they got him one.

Also in need of a helping hand:
Jane's father, Rogelio.

See, he quit his reality show
and was being sued.

And his lawyer?

Well, that would be
Xo's fiancé, Bruce.

Or at least
he was her fiancé, until...

Do you still have
feelings for Rogelio?

I don't know.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
I know.

Straight out of
a telenovela, right?

Which brings me to Raf's
other baby mama, Petra,

and her twin sister, Anezka.

See, Anezka used to date Scott,

but Scott turned up dead,
and Anezka's gone missing.

We need to get in touch
with your sister.

Good luck. I haven't spoken
to her in three years.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Luckily,
Detective Dennis was on it.

You remember Dennis, right?

Used to be Michael's partner?
Anyway, he noticed

Petra was acting all shady,
which she was,

partly because she moved
Scott's bones

off her property line
and over to the Fairwick.

Unfortunately,
that was her boyfriend

Chuck's hotel,
and he was pissed.

And then, well, this happened.

I know.

OMG, right?

Oh, and did I mention?

Alba's longtime crush, Jorge,
had finally asked her out.

So, yeah.

Things are getting hot
up in here.

It should be noted
that Jane Gloriana Villanueva

had been passionately in love

with exactly three men
in her life.

The first was...
(record scratches)

Actually, I'm not ready
to introduce him yet.

We'll get there.

The second, of course,
was Michael.

Then Rafael.

Then Michael again.

And then...

well, Jane's life became very
much not about romantic love.

But three years, six months
and days later...

she finally felt open.

Or at least open to being open.

(sighs)

Oy!
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ah, yes.

It certainly was.

I mean...

yeah, a little.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Certainly more than

the coffee stain
on the tablecloth yesterday.

(chuckles)

(door opens)

Morning, Mom.
How you feeling?

I'm okay.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
You'll recall

Xiomara had just broken up
with Bruce.

Okay. Well, let us know

if you need anything.

(door closes)

So, what do you think about
the dress? I can return it.

Yeah?

MATEO:
Mommy! Mommy!

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
He doesn't.
Where's my raincoat?

(stomps)
I need it for show-and-tell,

and it has
indoor pockets.

Mommy said she'd find it!

Calm down, Mateo.

I've looked for
it everywhere,

and it's not here,
but I will find it

and drop it off,
okay? I promise.

Now go get
yourself dressed.

Mommy has to
get to work,

and Abuela's gonna
drop you off at school.

Why do you look so nice?

(chuckles)

Why, thank you, Mateo.

Just a good mood today.

(growls)

(sighs)

Abuela!

Mm-hmm.

(giggles)

♪ ♪

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And, friends, it was as though

the world
suddenly became brighter.

♪ Cuatro ♪

♪ Cool like that ♪

♪ Cool like ♪

♪ Cool like that ♪

♪ Cool like ♪

♪ Cool ♪
♪ Hola, papi ♪

♪ You wanna licky my ice cream ♪

♪ Cool like that ♪
♪ Como aqua para chocolata ♪

♪ Cool like that ♪

♪ You're the whiskers
of the kitty cat... ♪

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: All right,
things are looking up.

♪ Cool like that. ♪

So, yeah, like Alba said,

love is in the air.

Or, at least,
it was last night.

I just texted the nannies
to take the girls to school.

That's great.

Mm.
Uh, hey,

so... last night was...

A onetime thing.

We were both drunk.

Feeling low.

Exactly.
(sighs)

It's not gonna happen
again, so let's just...

Yeah.
...move on, yeah?

No need to
tell anyone.

Especially Jane.
Agreed.

It's just, my-my clothes
are in the living room.

Oh.

Hey, Raf,

it's me.

Uh, Jane! H-Hang on!

Uh, coming.

Don't worry, I'm just grabbing
something for Mateo

before I start
my shift. And...

I have coffee.
(chuckles)

So, what do you
need of Mateo's?

I'm happy to
just grab it.

JANE: His yellow raincoat.
He needs it for show-and-tell.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Wow.

That's more show than tell.

Good morning, Jane.

Do you mind?

RAFAEL: Jane, listen,
come on. Hey, Jane.

That was just, it was
a, it was a mutually

agreed upon mistake, okay?
No, I know what that was.
Really, it's none

of my business.
You don't have to tell me.
It won't happen again.

Can we just, can we
just not talk about it?

Yep. Never sounds good to me.

Great.
Mm-hmm.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: All right,
look who got dressed.

Oh, God, not again.

What now?

We're here to
offer you a deal.

Why would I need a deal?

I already told you everything
I know about Scott's burn book.

And I was accounted for
the night he disappeared.

We know you moved his bones.

By bones, you mean...?

His skeleton.

Got a statement
from Chuck Chesser,

who says you told him
you, quote,

"Scootched them over."

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Dana! That's her name.

I knew it started with a "D."

Now, we can
charge you with

tampering with evidence,
but we won't,

if you help us find your sister.

I already told you we haven't,
we haven't spoken in years.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oh, it's so sad

when families grow apart

after one sister
paralyzes the other.

Well, get in touch.

But why do you, um,
want to question her?

DANA: We've been
interviewing people

mentioned in the burn book,
and one remembered

Anezka and Scott
in a screaming match

the night
he disappeared.

And who is this witness?

Just find your sister.

JANE:
Ah, found it.

Ah, thank God. 'Cause
the little dude

really wanted to show
everyone that raincoat.

(sighs)
Is there a story
about it?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
There is now.

No idea. What happened?

Skateboarding
accident.

Ooh.

Damn, mama.

Look at you
in that dress.

(chuckles) I was just trying
to mix things up.

There's no try, there's only do.

And you're doing it.

All day long!

(chuckles)

JANE: I think
he was flirting with me.

I mean, it was
subtle, but...

(clicks tongue)
Not even that subtle.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Now,
that's what I call flirting.

(sighs)

Hello. Welcome.

Are you sure you're
ready to listen?

I was saying
that I think

Mateo's aide is
flirting with me.

I know, and I'm not quite
sure what to do-- ooh.

(sighs)

I know.

And if it happens again,
I'll shut it down.

You okay, Mom?

Y-Yeah.

I just feel bad
for hurting Bruce.

He's been so great.

But you couldn't marry him.

You know, not if you
still have feelings for...

(door opens, Rogelio yodels)

Remember not to mention Bruce
or the breakup

until the court
case is over.

I don't want things
to be awkward.

ROGELIO:
Can I just say,

I love Bruce so much!

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Too late.

He got the reality show
to settle,

so as soon as we agree
on a number,

I'll be free and clear,
which is a good thing,

because...

drumroll, please.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oh, sorry.

(drumroll plays)

I got the offer
for my new telenovela,

so I'm formally inviting you all
to the first day of sh**ting.

Ah, we wouldn't miss it.

And Bruce, too,
of course.

Is everything okay
with him, by the way?

Yeah, he's great.

Because he hasn't been
returning my texts.

Oh, well, I'm sure he's just
busy with other cases.

So, what's the next step
in the novela?

A very important
special effects test

with the network bigwigs.

DIRECTOR:
Cut.

Wow, that is looking
so realistic.

Agreed. So realistic.

And you, your charisma
leaps off the screen

even at
a quarter inch tall.

Thank you. So often,
I'm the big man in the room,

so Los Viajes de Guillermo,
it's a refreshing change.

Not to be paranoid,
but you are absolutely certain

that your paperwork
will be signed

by the time we start sh**ting?

% sure.
(sighs)

Beyond a shadow
of a doubt.

Great. That's what
we wanted to hear.

Well... what
do you think?

It's perfect.

ALEX:
Little man.

Tell Mommy
what you drew.

It's a mouse going
to the doctor,

like in the story we read.

Well, I love it, and I can't
wait to hear the story.

(gasps, mutters)

He sat there for
minutes. Great focus.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And, friends,

that's when Jane's radar
went off.

(whirring, beeping)

(alarm buzzing)

Alex, uh, listen, you're great,

but this is strictly
a professional relationship.

Anything else
would be inappropriate.

So I just want
to make that really clear

that this isn't gonna happen.

What isn't gonna happen?

Oh, nothing.

Oh, hold on.
It was really nothing.

You thought that I-- with you?
Just a miscommunication.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Or a radar malfunction
of epic proportions.

For the record,
I am not into you... at all.

Good. Great.

Yeah, glad that
we cleared that up.

How much did you see?

You mean, did I see the part
where you shut Alex down

for flirting with
you, or the part

where he had no idea what
you were talking about?

Okay, okay, stop.
Uh, you better
not touch me,

'cause I might get
the wrong idea.

Abuela told me that if

he was flirting with me,
I should shut it down.

And... apparently,
my radar's a little off.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Way off, in fact.

Let me show you
what really happened earlier.

♪ ♪

♪ Cuatro ♪
♪ Cool like that ♪

♪ Cool like ♪

♪ Cool like that ♪

♪ Cool like, cool ♪

♪ Hola, papi, you wanna
licky my ice cream? ♪

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Yeah, let's not tell Jane
about that last one.

Okay, you know what?
We're going out tonight.

What?
Clearly, this whole Alex
fiasco was a cry for help.

You cannot keep getting
advice from your abuela.

I'm gonna help you
get your flirt on.

No, absolutely not.
I'll see you tonight
in the lounge.

Not happening.
: p.m.

No!
ROGELIO:
Yes.

Look right here!

There's a run in my stocking,
and, also, my pantaloons

are hitting the middle
of my calf!

I am really sorry.

I'm just stressed.

You should be allowed
to enjoy fitting me.

Please, continue.
Above my calf.

(knocking)

There they are!

My favorite...
network executives.

And there's
our favorite star.

WOMAN:
So, listen, we want

to beef up the love story
a little,

add some complications,
maybe a sizzling hot co-star.

Are you cool with that?

The hotter and sexier,
the better!

(laughter)
Great.

RAFAEL:
You have to relax.

I can't. This
is ridiculous.

This is a kids hotel.

You would be
surprised how many

divorcée hookups
we have here at happy hour.

Last week, we caught
a couple in the pirate ship.

JANE:
Ugh.
RAFAEL:
sh**t.

What?

Petra just walked in.

I kind of got a weird
vibe from her earlier

when I went by her office
to go over some stuff.

After what happened last night,
when we... had sex...

...well, I just... I'm worried
she might have feelings for me.

Of course
she has feelings for you.

She was in love
with you for forever.

That's why you shouldn't have
slept with her.

It was incredibly stupid.

Shh.

What are you two doing here?
Nothing.

Just helping Jane
get her flirt on.

She's a little rusty.

Here?
It's not a
big deal.

This is a kids hotel.

Those guys look single.

Ew.
Seriously?

You should go to the Fairwick.

It's a total meat market
during happy hour.

Actually, I'm
going home.
No, you are not.

Come on. The Fairwick. Let's go.

Perfect. I'll join you.

(loud, upbeat music playing)

Okay, what about him?

JANE:
The guy in the t*nk top?
Are you serious?

He's got a good body,
a handsome face.

Okay, then you date him.

RAFAEL:
Hoodie, three o'clock.

Mr. Robot?
Okay, who do you like, then?

It doesn't matter,
because no one's looking.

Because it looks like
you two are together.

Look, we have to
make it clear

that Jane is the
third wheel here.

Come here, Rafael.

Now I'm gonna
put my head here.

Great.

Look over there.

Tall drink of water,
blue shirt, cute,

and he's looking at you.

Turn slowly.

JANE:
He is cute.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Agreed.

Maintain eye contact.

Smile.

Tone it down.

Flirting is like perfume;
a little dab will do.

Well?

(whirring, beeping)

(alarm buzzing)

PETRA:
Perfect.

Go. Go!

I can do this.

♪ ♪

Mm.

It's nice to see Jane getting
back out there, isn't it?

(whirring, beeping)

(alarm buzzing)

Look, Petra, I want to be
really straightforward.

Uh...

What happened last night
was a mistake.

What?

You're obviously into me...

No, I'm not.

Jane isn't here, okay?

You don't have to be
this close.

And earlier,
when I stopped by your office,

and you moved closer...

Yes, because I didn't want you
reading my e-mails.

And also,

if you must know,
Chuck is across the room,

and I'm trying
to make him jealous.

What?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oh, sh**t.

I missed him, too. My bad.

Oh.
Mm-hmm.

After everything
he did to me,

telling the cops
about the bones,

I want to make him miserable.

So just get over yourself
and play along, okay?

(alarm buzzing)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Let's move elsewhere, shall we?

(Jane laughing)

(alarm buzzing)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
All right, that's better.

You have a great laugh.

Thank you.

So, Jane Villanueva,

soon to be
published author,

why are you
still single?

I thought somebody would have
scooped you up by now.

Oh, um, well,

I was scooped up,
but then my husband d*ed.

(trombone plays "wah-wah")

No, but, I mean, I'm, like,
almost totally fine.

That was, like, three years ago,
so it's like, pshh!

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
OMG, I can't watch anymore.

PETRA: I think
he's watching. Sell it.

Really?
That's the best you can do?

Oh, Zen Rafael hasn't
forgotten his moves, has he?

No.

He hasn't.

And I am sure

that you haven't
forgotten my moves either.

It's all a blur.

Paris isn't a blur.

No, that's, um...

hard to forget.

I agree.

Especially

when I...

(whispering indistinctly)

(Petra chuckles)

That seems like a million
years ago in some ways.

And in other ways...

I know.

Damn it, this isn't working.

He doesn't even care.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Wow, that was pretty intense.

I was actually
starting to feel it.

And it looks like
Rafael was, too.

Why am I even doing this?

I mean, I'm obviously
out of his league. Right?

Honestly, I don't know
what I even saw in him.

I think it was about
self-punishment

more than anything else,
because the truth is

that I was honestly
just embarrassed

to be seen with him
the entire time we were dating.
Petra?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow,
rough night for these three.

No one got any,
but it's still a walk of shame.

Or, actually...

JANE:
It was awkward and awful.

And I don't know
what I was thinking.

I have met exactly

zero people in my life
at a singles bar.

Thanks, Abuela.

We're back on Jorge.

Wait, what?

I find that hard to believe.

But if you're worried,
you should just

talk to Jorge about it.

Course you can. Come on.

You're a...

semi-modern woman, Abuela.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Which brings us here, now.

ROGELIO: Do you have a second?

I went by your house...
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oh, no. Was Bruce home?

...and Bruce wasn't home.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Phew!

But it's weird, Xo, 'cause

I can't get him to
return my calls,

he's barely responding
to my texts.

Tell me, did I do
something to offend him?

Did you forget to say
"God bless you"

after he sneezed?

No, I don't think so.

I'm sure Bruce is just busy.
It's just that the
settlement talks

are coming up and this silence
is giving me a bad feeling.

Will you ask him? I don't
want to be all needy,

but if something's wrong,
I'd like to know.

DENNIS:
I want to know.

Well, it was okay...

until I told him
I was a widow.

I wouldn't say
he ran away.

Well, he's an idiot then.

Make sure to follow through
with your right hand.

Uh-huh. Got it.

I mean, dating would
be so much easier

if people already knew.

Tell me about it.

What do you mean? One of
the joys of being engaged

is that you don't have
to worry about dating.

Lindsay and I broke up
a few months ago.

What?

Why didn't you mention it?

She cheated on me.

Yeah, so...

didn't want to brag.

Eh, I'm sorry.

You okay?

Yeah.

Better to know now
than later, right?

(sighs)
Yeah.

Well... punch
through the bag.

Ah!

You know, you might be
better at boxing than I am,

but I would kick your ass at
a story-writing competition.

(laughs)

Not a sport.

Eh...

Mini-golf, I'd crush you.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Oh, not bad.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Whoa. Hold on a second.

Are Jane and Dennis...

flirting with each other?

Nah.

Wait.

Maybe.

Let me check.

(beeping)

(alarm buzzing)

Okay, either my radar
is off, too,
(giggling)

or this is happening, people.

A vibe?
With you and Dennis?

I think.

Maybe.

Then again, I thought Alex
was super into me, too, so...

That's why I need you to go
boxing with me next week.

What?
To suss it out.

You owe me.

Just text him.
What?

No.
Why?

We don't just text.

That's the point.

He'll either encourage you
or he won't.

But either way, you'll know.

Mm...

Didn't you just tell your
grandma to be a modern woman?

Oh, that's a nice touch
with the ellipses,

makes it seem super casual.

(gasps) Oh, my God,
he's writing me back already.

He's probably thinking of a
nice way to tell me to back off.

Oh, my God, he's insulted.

What?
I've actually insulted him.

He's thinking,
"I should just ignore her."

See?

Okay, now just wait
a minute before you...

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Wow. We may have just witnessed

the beginning of a new romance.

And, sadly, here we are now
at the end of one.

No, you keep the
cappuccino maker.

You take more pleasure
in it than I ever could.

Okay, so that's it.

Bruce, I just wanted to say,

if it's too hard for you
to represent Rogelio,

you don't have to.

I'm a big boy, Xiomara,
I can handle it.

What?

I just want to make sure that
you're not letting our breakup

get in the way of his case.

What do you mean?

Well, Rogelio says

that you haven't been returning
his texts.

He's starting to get
a little worried.

Hold on.

Are you asking me to be nicer
to the guy that you left me for?

No, I-I'm just...
Because let me assure you,

I am acting like a professional.

I'm treating Rogelio like
I treat every other client.

No, I don't respond within
ten seconds to his texts.

No, I don't reassure him
and hold his hand

every time
he contacts me.

But I'm doing my job.

You're right. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have overstepped.

And I shouldn't feel
badly, right?

I am clearly out of
Chuck's league, right?

Then why do I
feel like this?

Like I-I...

like I want to see him?

I know, I know, I know,
you think I still like him.

And maybe I do.

But I don't want to.

Not that it matters.

I mean, the heart wants
what the heart wants.

And the truth is,
I did say

some pretty lousy things to him.

I mean, you can imagine,
you know how I get

when I'm heated.
(chuckles)

I should probably
apologize, right?

Thanks, Krishna.

My pleasure, Mrs. Solano.

Do you have a boyfriend,
Krishna?

No, I'm gay.

Gotcha.

My mistake.

JANE:
This whole thing's a mistake.

I'm gonna text Dennis
and call the date off.

You are not.

Michael's his friend,
it feels like a betrayal.

Michael would want you
to be happy.

With someone else.

Yeah, but you don't have
feelings for someone else.

You have feelings for Dennis.

That's the thing, I don't even
know if I have feelings for him.

You know, maybe
this is just my way

of trying to...
keep Michael in my life.

Basta! Do not make
this about Jorge.

Look, hon,

it's one date.

And you know what?

Maybe it is about Michael.

And maybe it isn't.

But you won't know
unless you go.

Okay, fine.

So, where are you going
with Jorge tonight?

Go.

All right.

I got to run.
Mm.

There you are, Bruce!

Hello, Rogelio.
Oh, right, right.

Courtroom decorum.

Good to see you.

What do you think?

I know I don't look my best.

I had my makeup artist
age me up a little

so the judge would
take pity on me.

Is it too much?

You look fine.

Is everything all right, buddy?

Sorry I'm late.

There she is.

Hi, hi. Mwah.
Hey.

No.

No, everything's not all right.

I can't do this.

What?
Do what?

You told me that
I didn't have to,

and I can't.

It's... too painful.

And more importantly,
you were right.

Given the way I feel, I can't
properly represent Rogelio.

But...
What now?

Ask for a continuance.

The judge is gonna grant it

because your lawyer
is resigning.

All right, let's get started.

What just happened?
Get him back.

(whispers):
I can't.

Your Honor, I'm sorry, but
Rogelio needs a continuance.

His lawyer quit.

Ugh. Annoying.

By law,
Mr. de la Vega,

you'll have reasonable time
to find a new attorney.

I can grant you
one week.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no,

please, Your Honor,
I can't postpone.

I start a new
telenovela tomorrow.

I have to be in hair
and makeup at : a.m.

And even though I'm tiny,

the camera picks up
every detail, believe me.

Just give me one minute.

You have to get Bruce back.

I can't.
Why? You know how
important this is.

I broke up with him.

Right in the middle of my case?

Why would you do that?

We'll talk about this later.
No, I demand to
know the reason.

Ro...
No, now!

Because I'm in love
with you, all right?

(sweeping romantic music plays)

I love you too, Xiomara.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ah, romance,

always full of surprises.

Voilà.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ooh, let's
see where Jorge took Alba.

Mini-golf.

JANE: Dennis and I are gonna go
play mini-golf on our date.

It's just mini-golf.

I think you have
your Jorge glasses on.

Ay, Jorge.

Ay.
(gasps)

Oh, no.

Ay.

(laughs)

Okay, I'm warming up.

I haven't played in a while.

I'm hearing a lot of excuses.

Just like Michael...

Sorry.

I shouldn't have...
No.

We can talk about Michael.

Well, once, he accused me
of using those illegal balls

that give you more distance.

Oh, trust me, I get it.

Mateo's a better sport.

(chuckles)

He also, one...
Maybe we should...

Oh.

Just that, maybe we should
try not to talk about Michael.

Okay. No more sports stuff.

Or work stuff.

Have you spoken to Lindsay?

Or ex-fiancée stuff.

Right. Makes sense, sorry. Uh...

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Hmm, a bumpy start.

(quietly):
Now let's see

how things are going
over at the eighth hole,

where we last left our other
golfers in a tight situation.

(exhales)

Jorge?

Yeah, we got a
couple creepers

making out in the cave
behind the Eiffel Tower again.

(music playing)

What are you doing here?

Look, I know I said some
not very nice things about you.

But our hotels
are next door,

and I don't want this getting in
the way of us being neighbors.

So I apologize.

Yeah, right.

That's not why you're here.

Yes, it is.

Okay, fine.

Then consider your apology

hog-tied and tossed down a well.

I'll see you around.

Okay, fine. You're right.

I'm also here because I like
you. And I want to be with you.

So can we just please
put all this behind us?

Sorry, the answer's still no.

Why would I want
to be with someone

who's embarrassed to be with me?

Are you serious?

You called me a lowlife and said
I was out of your league.

First of all,
that hurts.

Second of all, you're uptight,

judgmental
and no fun at all.

(scoffs)

Come on,
look around, Petra.

You don't belong here.

Uh, yes, I do.

(chuckles)

You can't even say that
with a straight face.

Ugh.

ANNOUNCER: Looks like
we got a new rider.

What's your name, little lady?
Petra.

ANNOUNCER:
Go get 'em, Petra!

How long has Mr. Chesser
stayed on for?

About six seconds.

(crowd whooping)

(chuckles)

CROWD:
One, two,

three, four, five...

Ooh!

Ooh!

Petra! You okay?

Holy jack-o-lantern.

What?
JANE: The hole, the hole.

Come on, get in the hole!

Aw. How did that not go in?

Your stance is tragic
and your swing is hopeless.

That's a bit dramatic,
don't you think?

Don't worry.

I'm gonna drop some hope on you.

Show me your stance.

Okay.

Okay, now try it.

(taps ball)

Yes!

Thank you.

Uh, uh, oops.

Uh, bathroom emergency.

A bathroom emergency?
I panicked.

He was moving in closer,

and all of a sudden
I wasn't sure

if I wanted him to kiss me.

Or if I even remember how to,
it's been so long.

And then I was thinking,
the only way to get back

on the horse
is to get it over with.

And then I thought, no,
that is not the right attitude.

You should kiss him
because he's really cute.

'Cause he is really cute.

(sighs deeply)

So maybe I just freaked

because I'm still not ready
to kiss anyone yet.

After Michael.

Are you done?

Yeah.
Okay.

You need to get back out there

and tell Dennis
exactly what you just told me.

Really?
He'll understand.

Maybe just lose
the "getting it over with" part.

Got it.

I don't get it. If you weren't
sure you wanted to kiss me,

then why were you rubbing
your butt all up against me?

Wait, what?

And you were, like, looking
at me and signaling.

I didn't want to
leave you hanging.

First of all,
I wasn't signaling anything.

Especially with my butt.

I was just adjusting
my putting stance.

And second of all,

it was a pity kiss?

No! I mean, not exactly.

Maybe a little.

I'm sorry.

It's just that...

I haven't kissed anyone
since Lindsay.

And I thought
that maybe I should just...

well...

Get it over with?

Yeah.

Kind of.

(laughter)

Hey, you. How was your date?

Pretty successful.

Yeah, he's giving Lindsay
another chance.

Ah.

Hey, I had a date.
It's something.

So? Did you settle your lawsuit?

Yes. For an astronomical number.

(laughs)
Almost all of my salary

for the first year of
Los Viajes de Guillermo

will go to paying it.

(both laugh)

Then, why are you both so happy?

To be honest, I just made love
to your mother in the car.

Oh.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Aw, it's about time

these two got back together.

Okay. Thank you.

All right.
You have a dentist appointment

first thing tomorrow morning.

I still can't believe this.

It's not that bad.

It's hardly noticeable.

(scoffs)

(laughs)

(laughs)
Stop.

You look cute.

Oh, stop.

No.

You do.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Is that his heart glowing?

Just a little? It's hard
to tell with that pink shirt.

(knocking on door)

Must be the ice.

What are you doing here?

CHUCK: Why'd you run out
of there in such a hurry?

Well, I don't know,
I was humiliated.

Well, I thought
it was the wildest, sexiest,

most outrageous thing

anyone's ever done for me.

Really?

(chuckling):
Yeah.

DENNIS:
You're gonna want to see this.

Petra took the bait.

She made contact with Anezka.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oh, no.

This must be the e-mail

Petra didn't want
Raf to read earlier.

And I can see why.

Wow, right?

Oh, my bad,
you don't read Czech.

Well, mine isn't great either,
but it translates roughly to:

DENNIS:
She was lying about her sister.

Plus, she hid the burn
book and moved the bones.

Sure seems like she's
hiding something.

Yeah, no kidding.

I'm betting
Anezka m*rder*d Scott.

And Petra's covering up for her.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
I know!

Straight out of a telenovela,
right?

Which brings us here.

Ugh. I just forgot how
exhausting dating is

for someone like me.

The overthinking, the
analyzing, the worrying.

I just wish I could date without
my brain being on overload.

It'll happen.
You're gonna meet someone great.

And when you do,
it'll all be worth it.

Just like
with your father and me.

Oh, my God!
You're worse than Abuela.

Wait, by the way,
did you see her this morning?

No, she must've left early.

But she said she'd be here.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oh, there she is.

JANE: Is Abuela wearing
the same clothes as yesterday?

Oh, my God, I think she is.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
I noticed it, too,

but out of respect for Alba,
I wasn't going to say anything.

JANE: Did you sleep
at Jorge's house

last night, Abuela?

So no sex?

Oh, okay.

All right, let's get
this sh*t off!

ROGELIO:
I would just like to say

that I am so glad to be back
in the world of telenovelas,

where I belong!

For now.

Until my Passions of Santos
remake happens.

(applause)

Lovely, terrific.

We feel that way, too.

And on that note,
I am so excited

to introduce you

to your new co-star, Rogelio.

Fabian Regalo del Cielo!

(clapping)

He's going to play your rival
in your quest for love.

Rogelio. What a true pleasure.

I've been a fan of yours
for as long as I can remember.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: They did
say the co-star would be hot.

We are so thrilled
to have you, Fabian.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Yeah, Ro doesn't look thrilled.

But she does.

Yup, something's
glowing all right.

And it's not her heart.