Hey. What are you doin'?
Daddy said a bad word,
So we're making him
take a time-out.
For a whole hour.
Cheryl: oh, wow.
Sitting on the couch
reading the paper.
That must be really
hard for daddy.
Well, you know, cheryl,
I kinda had it coming.
I mean, the one thing that
would make it worse is--
No, it's too horrible.
All right, I'll say it.
Please, girls,
Don't force chips
and beer on me.
Both: chips and beer!
Chips and beer!
No!
No! And not the cold
ones in the back!
Hah!
Oh, baby.
Mommy!
Coming, girls!
What the hell happened?
Oh, right, kids.
I am so glad
you're home.
The girls
are still sick,
And I have got to pee.
I've been holding it in
all day.
Wow. Where was
that bladder control
When we drove to wisconsin?
[Kyle crying]
Where's kyle?!
On the washer!
[ Crying ]
Hit the spin cycle.
It makes him sleepy.
Peekaboo!
Godspeed, john glenn.
[Turns on washer]
That a boy.
Both: mommy!
Well, how are
my little girls doing, huh?
What's the matter, baby?
Ohh!
She's gonna throw up.
Deal with it!
Uh, I'm not
the throw-up person!
I'm the take-out-the-trash guy!
You don't do that,
either!
Ohh.
Ohh.
Here you go, baby.
Oh, god, I remember
doing this with your mother
After an aerosmith concert.
Oop, nothing coming out.
Okay, I think
it's a false alarm, honey.
[ Kiss ] there you go.
Jim, would you clear off
this table, please?
Honey, I just made dinner.
I only have two hands.
And I only have one.
Yeah? Well,
whose fault is that?
Yours.
I told you not
to sneak up on me
in the shower.
I don't know.
In the movies,
the women love it.
Yeah, well, in the movies,
it's russell crowe.
Oh, thank god.
Adult food.
Ohh.
Mommy, you promised
you would read madeline.
You said you would
color with me.
Oh, honey, help, please.
No, me first!
Okay. Hey, girls,
you know what?
If you don't go upstairs
and get in bed right now,
Santa won't come tonight.
[Both gasp]
What?
You'll deal with it
tomorrow.
Mmm, that looks--
[ Hissing ]
aah-aah!
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's just that it's been
like this all day. They're--
They're sick
and they're cranky,
And they're driving me nuts.
Well, I got two words
for you, honey--tv.
No.
Come on, honey,
put a tv in their room,
And you won't hear
a peep out of them.
Jim, we promised ourselves
we would never do that.
We promised ourselves
we wouldn't do
a lot of things.
Like not go to bed mad
Or with other people,
or something like that.
Hey, guys.
Oh. Oh, you're eating.
Oh, that's okay.
You can watch.
I-i have something to say,
And I need you both
to listen.
I'm in therapy.
Since when?
For about a month,
and I really feel like
I'm getting acquainted
with the andy deep inside.
Therapy, huh?
You mean like, bbblllbb,
bbblllbbb, bbblllbbb?
Nice.
No, it's all right, cheryl.
Dr. Gamble and I
felt it'd be helpful
If, uh, my two sisters
joined me.
Oh, andy, I'd love to,
But the girls
are still sick,
So I'm kind of stuck
here.
Well, maybe jim
could watch them.
Cheryl: oh.
What, you want me
to baby-sit?
You do know
it's not baby-sitting
When they're your own kids?
You've been talking
to that mom
Down the street,
haven't you?
The fancy one
with a job.
Well, I'm sorry, honey,
But some of us just like to be
the best parents we can be.
[Washer buzzes]
Now if you'll excuse me,
I think my baby's done.
So cheryl picked me up,
dried the blood off my nose,
And told me everything
was gonna be all right.
Ohh...
You're fortunate to have such
a wonderful, wonderful sister.
I don't know if I'm
wonderful, wonderful.
Hello, everyone.
Hi, I'm dana.
Dana, you're late.
You know,
you could've called.
Yeah, well, maybe
I was waiting outside
Working up the courage
to walk in that door
And bare my soul.
Yeah, cheryl.
What's in the bag?
New shoes.
Interesting, dana, that you
would stop to buy shoes,
Knowing you'd be late.
Not really, once you
get to know me.
Is it because you don't feel
pretty on the inside?
It's okay, dana.
I don't feel so pretty
on the inside either.
I'm fine.
Before you came in,
we were talking about the time
You punched andy
in the face.
Which time?
My sixth birthday.
Mom promised me the flower
on the cake--the big one.
You, you took it...
And only ate half of it,
Then gave the rest
to the dog.
Then you punched me.
Your friends
thought it was funny.
It was my flower,
and you took it!
How does it make you feel,
andy?
I feel violated
and ignored and discarded.
I feel att*cked
and betrayed.
I'm fine.
Hey, beauty.
Hey.
What's going on?
Where are the kids?
In their room.
Are they okay?
Oh, yeah,
they're fine.
They've been up
there all evening.
Haven't heard a peep
out of them.
How was dr. Boogabooga?
Well, I'm fine.
And andy's really opening up.
He even cried.
Oh, big deal.
I make andy cry
every day at work.
For bucks an hour,
I'll make him
crap his pants.
Mmm.
Mmm. It's good.
You like it?
Yeah.
Good, 'cause we got
a -gallon box
in the kitchen.
Oh.
Wow.
It's nice, huh?
Would you listen to that?
I don't hear any kids
whining or...
Fighting or yelling.
You put the tv
in their room!
Uh-huh, and I got
a bunch of stuff finished.
Like what?
Peanuts.
Jim...
What?
We said no tv
in their room.
I know, I know, honey,
But it's just while
they're sick and cranky
And living at home.
Come on, baby.
[ Sighs ]
come on.
Ooh, you know,
you smell so good.
Ohh...
Did you have fries
on the way home?
[ Laughs ]
[ Sniffing ]
Oh, okay.
All right, I guess it's okay,
but only till they're better.
Absolutely.
Okay.
Cheryl...come to
the dark side.
Cheryl: oh, I'm so relaxed,
it's starting to worry me.
Yeah, I'm starting
to remember what
it was like
Before we had kids.
You mean back when we could
both fit in the tub?
Yeah, you really
let yourself go.
Eww, look.
Why do you always think
I want to see that?
Can we get the benny hill
collection?
It's not sold in stores.
All right.
That is it.
Girls, I'll work on it.
I'll work on it.
Back to bed, girls.
Jim, ruby's been
back at school
for three days.
No more tv
in their room.
Aw, come on, cheryl,
look at our lives.
We're living like
movie stars.
Jim, they're eating
chips and chocolate
And drinking sodas
in bed.
I don't even know
if they're brushing
their teeth anymore.
Honey, they're not gonna
keep those teeth anyway.
This whole thing
is spinning out of control.
We have to draw the line
somewhere,
And I am drawing it
at television.
Since when do you get
to draw the line?
Because I am
the throw-up person,
And the throw-up person
gets to draw the line!
What about the
take-out-the-trash guy?
You don't get to be
the take-out-the-trash guy
Unless you actually
take out the trash.
That's not my understanding
of the title.
Look, jim, we agreed
on certain things
When we became a family.
Like--like we'd always
eat dinner together.
Yes, even when
I've already eaten.
And I would stay home
to raise the kids.
And that I would let you.
And we'd always wear
seat belts.
Absolutely!
And you would give up
riding your motorcycle.
If you don't have the belts on,
the car's not going!
Jim?
Yes?
Have you been riding
your motorcycle?
A little.
Ohh!
A little.
A little.
You promised me you'd
never ride that thing!
I don't recall any such promise
or discussion thereof.
June , ,
the night ruby was born.
You sat next to my hospital
bed with tears in your eyes,
And you promised me
you would never, ever
Ride that thing
ever again.
Touchée.
No! No! No!
No more tv!
Come on.
Girls, you watch
the little mermaid
One more time...
She'll die.
Please!
Daddy!
Do you hear that?
I think it's raining candy
outside.
Yay!
Yay!
Go! Go get it!
Go get it!
We really should
have them tested.
Well, here's the tv.
It's not in the kids' room
anymore.
Just like we decided,
You and me, together...
Us.
Oh, don't give me that.
Ah, come on, honey,
get off my back here, okay?
I'm not gonna sell that bike.
No! No, I'm serious!
I'm not gonna get rid of it!
Okay, okay, okay, okay,
Well, just let me finish,
all right?
I'm a guy.
I got two feet,
And I'm puttin' one down now.
[Stomps]
Come on.
Honey, do you think
the lone ranger
would sell trigger?
All right, I know
it's not trigger. It's, uh...
You're--you're messing
with my mind, cheryl.
Now, listen--
Honey, I've been driving
that bike since .
I mean,
it means so much to me.
It means--it's as much
a part of my life
As the washer and dryer
is to you.
She took me to kindergarten,
and when I got into the room,
I realized...
It wasn't really
underwear day.
Dana, why are you reading while
andy's sharing his feelings?
Because no one
in my building
gets this magazine.
Andy, how does that
make you feel?
Makes me a little,
you know, mad.
Well, tell dana.
Dana, please put down
the magazine.
[Sniffs] mmm.
Do you know what?
You're--
You're a jerk.
What?
You heard me.
You're a mean,
self-centered jerk!
[Crying]
Jeez, andy.
Thank you.
Ribbit, ribbit.
Very, very good.
Okay, you guys ready?
Here's another one.
♪ Look, I'm an elephant,
this is how I walk ♪
[Blowing]
Ohh! Stampede! Stampede!
Okay, cheryl, it's done.
The bike is up on its stand,
I drained the gas and the oil,
and I covered her up.
The only problem is
I just can't find the keys.
Ohh.
All right, here's the keys.
There.
Oh, honey, thank you.
I know how hard
that was for you
And I really
appreciate it.
All right.
Mmm.
More, mommy.
Do another.
Oh. Oh, I have one.
♪ Look, I'm a daddy,
and this is how I walk ♪
Jim: oh, very good.
Jim: aww, very funny.
Cheryl: very good!
I don't do that.
I do other things, too!
When?
All right, all right,
all right, all right.
Let's do "look, I'm a mommy,
this is how I walk."
That's sweet,
honey.
Oh, see?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay. Okay!
♪ Look, I'm a birdie,
and this is how I walk ♪
Birdies don't walk,
they fly.
Do it!
No, no, no, no, no,
Ruby, honey,
do "look, I'm a mommy."
Come on, do that again.
Ruby, sweetie,
we're doing birdies now!
Birdies!
What's this, honey?
I'm mommy
smoking a cigarette.
[Gasps]
you are?
♪ Look, I'm a hypocrite,
smoky, smoky, smoke ♪
Keys, please.
You girls play good!
[Inhales, exhales]
Hey, sweetie.
Honey, you know how
you saw mommy smoking?
Mm-hmm.
And I know that you know
that smoking is bad
And what mommy did
was wrong, right?
Well, mommy is not
very proud of herself.
Why?
Because sometimes
mommies do things
That aren't
very smart.
[Motorcycle revs]
And sometimes
daddies do things
That aren't
very smart.
Why?
Because they have
the emotional maturity
Of a -year-old.
No offense.
You know how you love
jawbreakers?
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
But you know they're
not good for you
'Cause they can
break your teeth?
Mm-hmm.
And even though
we told you
You couldn't have
them anymore,
We found that one
under your pillow?
That wasn't mine.
Whee!
Okay, ruby...
Do you know who
really hates smoking?
Who?
The surgeon general.
Who?
Santa.
Look at me!
Hey, cheryl. You know,
I wanted to ask you--
That smoked ham
we had last night--
Was it regular ham
when you bought it?
You know, sweetie,
I can quit smoking,
But you'll always be an ass.
Jeez, you smoke
with that mouth?
Not anymore. I am done.
Good.
Yeah.
How about you?
I don't smoke.
The bike?
Yeah.
Honey, you fell in love with
a guy who rode a motorcycle.
You thought he was sexy.
Yeah. Well,
now I think it's sexy
When you come home
in one piece.
All right. All right,
here's the deal.
I won't ride the bike
anymore,
But I'm not gonna
sell it, either.
Occasionally,
I'll go in the garage
And sit on it.
And go, vroom! Vroom!
That is none
of your business.
Hey, wait a minute.
What if there's
a special occasion
Where, you know,
you need to ride
a motorcycle?
Like what?
You know, like
a neighborhood parade.
Ha. We don't have
a neighborhood parade.
I know, but someone
might start one.
You know what?
If we have
a neighborhood parade,
Then you can ride your bike,
And I'll sit on the back
smoking.
It'll be our little float.
[Chuckling]
Honey, do you think
we have too many rules?
I don't know, baby.
What do you think?
Well, I don't want
our girls to grow up
Thinking that they can't
express themselves, you know,
That it's not okay to break
a rule every once in a while.
Oh, I think they're gonna be
just fine, baby.
[Door opens]
We weren't sure
if you were coming.
I wasn't either.
Andy...
I don't know if things
are gonna be any different,
But...you make me
want to be a better sister.
Shut up.
You had me at
"I wasn't either."
Here, I got you a cake
with a flower on it.
Oh, dana...
It was never really
about the flower.
It was just me needing you
to accept me
For who I am, that's all.
Well, I thought about some
of the things you said,
And if you need me to change,
I'm willing to make the effort.
Thanks, dana.
Where's the flower?
[Crying] I ate it!
What? You ate the flow--
you did it again?
It looked good!
What's the sense
of giving me a cake
with a flower on it
If you're gonna go ahead
and eat the flower?!
You said it wasn't about
the flower, you psycho!
You're the psycho!
Yes, you're--
I'm not psycho!