02x08 - George Clowns Around

[bunniefuu]

One controversy can k*ll a product.

Fix this.

Hey, Lori, you know,

this is all a misunderstanding, okay?

George, look, I can fix a lot of things.

Product delays, distribution jam-ups.

FTC regulations.

But I can't fix your
problem with Latinos.

You have to.

Yes, I know, Lori, all right? And I will.

Just as soon as we go
out and have a nice...

I'm on it. I'll do it right now.

♪♪

Thank you.

I mean, muchisima gracias.

You know, Manolo,

this place has some of
the best beef tamales

in all of Los Angeles.

They're so authentically Mexican,

like me, George Lopez,
authentically Mexican.

Yeah, they're really good.

Yeah, los gringos, they don't
know what they're missing.

Especially that pendejo Donald Tr*mp.

People think you love him.

Man, I still can't believe
you played golf with him.

By the way, who won?

[chuckling] That's right, Manolo.

Thank you for bringing that up

and reminding me of who I play golf with.

I play golf with Salma Hayek.

I play golf with Lee Trevino,
Chi-Chi Rodriguez, Cesar Chávez.

Me and Cesar Chávez
played when I was little.

We'd work in the fields half-day.

And then play nine holes
the rest of the day.

Isn't that right, Manolo?

- Yes.
- Where's El Hector?

I thought he was gonna meet us here.

Oh, he's getting together with Lori.

Oh, yeah, that's right. [nervous chuckle]

Do you remember exactly what
they were gonna meet about

or you can recall his exact works?

Exact words:

"Man, Lori is woke.

I mean, she's lit, tight."

Uh...

[laughter]

What's everybody laughing at?

[speaking Spanish]

Hey, look, it's Platanito.

I love that show. Mommy does, too.

She love Platanito as
much as she hates you.

That's how everyone
around here feels now.

Yeah, well, excuse me for
wearing suits when I work

and not a fright wig
with long, red shoes.

Hey, jefe, maybe
you should go on Platanito.

You can explain what happened
with the white supremacists.

Might get your Mexican
fans to like you again.

[clears throat] You know, that
sounds like a good idea, Manolo,

but, you know, you
don't know that Platanito

and I, we have a little, you
know, we got a little history.

Right, I forgot.
He thinks you're a sell-out.

Yeah, I'm a sell-out, all right.

I sell-out stadiums, huh?

Smaller arenas.

Right there in Hemet.

I'll tell you something about
Platanito: You're his biggest fan.

First time he saw me,
comes up, he's, like,

"Hey, George Lopez." Got
a big smile on his face.

"I'm so happy for you
and all of your success."

Then he stops. Smile disappears.

He goes, "No, I'm not.

Every time I see you on TV,
I think that should be me."

Huh? And even though he's a big success,

he still has a problem with me.

He thinks I don't respect his comedy.

Wow, Platanito's a legend
and he hates your guts.

Seriously? That's what you're
getting from this story?

[speaking Spanish]

Eat your beef tamales.

They're delicious.

♪♪

When I do my report on "Huckleberry Finn"

I wonder if it's okay
if I just call him Jim.

[whistle alert]

Oh, my God, I get a hold of Olly, man.

If this controversy keeps growing,

it's gonna derail "Valleys,"
I'll never get it back on track.

I donated to just about every
Latino charity in L.A., right?

I've built half of the
sports fields in San Fernando.

And the only thing getting traction

are these fake news stories
about me... Look at this one:

"Donald Tr*mp is considering his
good friend and trusted adviser,

George Lopez for the post of
Minister of Mexican Affairs."

There is no Minister of Mexican Affairs.

"Replacing Scott Baio who is
rumored to be moving to the UN."

Yo, G, you got a crush?

These flowers just came in for you.

- From who?
- From, like, some fraternity?

Fraternity?

From the Brotherhood
of White Supremacists.

I saw those dudes. I
thought they were cholos.

They were skinheads.

Pale cholos, they ain't no pale cholos.

[George] Oh, my God, how
do we make this go away?

George, I've been looking into it.

The thing we need to do
is hire a crisis manager.

No, I got a good PR person.

Yeah, but this is like
a PR guy on steroids.

Oh, he specializes in problems like this.

The guy I'm talking to
handled Paula Deen...

Michael Richards, remember?

Basically celebrities who
bad-mouth Black people.

But he's looking to branch out.

That's horrible, and it sounds expensive.

It's gonna cost less than your career.

- The network is not happy.
- Really? What did you hear?

Not what she heard, it's what I heard.

Yeah, Pfeiffer, what did you hear?

Well, you're not gonna believe this.

But, hold on, what happened
to my leftover Chinese food?

- Did you eat it?
- No.

Well, it didn't just
sprout legs and walk away.

Well, I'm not lying.

Wait, what, did you hear from
the network or from Rachel...

Mom, what happened to the Chinese food?

I threw it out, sweetie, sorry.

- Oh, hi, George.
- Hi.

- Can I make you a sandwich?
- Oh, no, no,

- I'm fine, thanks.
- Why would you throw it out?

It was three days old and half empty.

Half empty? I barely touched it.

Okay, I had a little.

Jesus, do I have to write
my name on everything?

I bought that with my own money.

There's no way in hell you paid for that.

- Mom paid for that.
- She earned it.

- She brought in the garbage cans.
- Big deal.

God dammit! What did the
network say, Pfeiffer?

I'm sorry, Pf... I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

They said they're not happy about it.

I'm sorry.

Will you tell your mom... that I'm sorry.

- You need to get an office.
- Yeah.

I'll set something up
with the crisis guy.

Yeah? Where does he
work out of, a camper?

Not a bad idea.

Okay, see, then you have to
take this part and divide it.

And then into that part...

Hey! What's happening?

- We were studying.
- Okay.

- George, this is my teacher, Wendy.
- Hey, Wendy.

- Hey Wendy, nice to meet you.
- Hi.

Wow, a teacher that comes to
the house; that's dedication.

Yes, that's exactly what it
is, and, uh, he's an adult

and there's nothing to
report to anybody, you know?

Oh, jefe, there's something
I need to tell you.

My mommy is planning on suing
you for stealing her grill idea.

- What?
- [alerts play, vibrates]

Hey, Hector says we gotta turn on GVN.

What do you mean your mom is suing me?

[Hector] You all have to listen up.

Grab your phone and call right now.

This grill is amazing.

You gotta get it, you gotta buy it.

Oh, my God, he's selling the grill.

Lori's got him selling
the grill without me.

And all for . .

And he's humping the
product and the price.

I guess he can just do it all, huh?

Just grillin' and chillin'.
First you grill.

Then you chill.

That's probably what the
little meeting was about.

Son of a bitch!

Hector's moving up in the
world. He's on the rise.

Isn't that what you wanted?

Yeah, but not with me slipping.

She's giving up on me,
man, she's moving on.

You know, . is a little
steep for a teacher's pay.

How many payments you think
we could break that up into?

That's a good problem for you.

No, we're not that far yet.

We got pollo, carnita, machaca...

She's betting on Hector, not me.

You don't know that.

Well, I don't come up
looking like a winner.

I come up looking like a loser.

And she don't look like the
type of woman that's into losers.

She's probably, like,
one of those directors

that always has sex with the stars.

- Relax, jefe.
- How can I relax?

Probably can't keep her hands off him.

Mm, I know I couldn't. [chuckling]

Because that boy is fine!

Listen, be honest with me.
Give it to me straight.

Is he your jail wife?

- Traitor.
- Jefe...

you're doing that thing that I'm
supposed to stop you from doing.

- Catasrophe...
- Catastrophizing?

- Yeah.
- That's because it's true.

Every problem I got
comes from the same thing.

That controversy.

Screw it, man, you know what?

- I'ma do it.
- What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna go on Platanito.

What's Platanito?

Hey, whatever it is,
put some cheese on mine.

[laughing]

He's like the Mexican Johnny Carson.

- Oh.
- Yeah, I gotta get hold of Lori.

I think I can get this under control.

Man, I feel bad for my jefe.

Yeah, me too.

What type of bathtub you
think he's got upstairs?

Let's go check it out.

[laughing]

The show that you wanna
be on is Platanito.

But that's not his real name.

No, no, but, it, it... That's brilliant.

He's a combination of
Carson, Kimmel and Fallon

all rolled into one,
and he's very authentic,

and he's very trusted by his audience.

Wow, you really do know who he is.

He has a makeup line.

We were gonna make a deal with him,

but we went with you instead.

In retrospect, I just...

What do you mean, in retrospect?

In retrospect, I couldn't be happier.

Thank you. Now, come on.

I mean, can we go back
to the way things were?

With me selling grills and
Hector as my sidekick behind me,

not doing my job?

Wait... Are you jealous of Hector?

Of course not.

Why would I be jealous of Hector?

Do I have a reason...
to be jealous of hector?

- [alert buzzing]
- George, please...

Do I have a reason to
be jealous of hector?

- [Lori] I expressly told you...
- Lori?

[door opens, closes]

I do apologize, I... I
don't know where George is.

He said he was gonna
be here a half-hour ago.

Uh, never say you don't
know where you client is.

Of course you know where he is.

He's taking personal time.

Oh, I like that, very helpful.

Now, when we get him into treatment,

we're calling it exhaustion.

He only tells the truth to Diane Sawyer

once the memoir deal is in place.

Oh, okay.

Maybe your assistant didn't
explain to you our situation.

So, George made some
comments that were interpreted

negatively by the Latino community

and positively by some
white supremacist groups.

You know what we do?

We do a public sit-down
with Al Sharpton.

You know, cry, pray, laugh.

Yeah, but why would George
apologize to a Black minister?

There's a lot of overlap,
but, uh, point well taken.

Yeah.

Now, who's the Latino Al Sharpton?

Pitbull, Eva Longoria?

Geraldo.

- Hmm... maybe.
- [alert vibrates]

Oh! Ohh...

George booked himself
on a Mexican talk show

with somebody called Platanito.

Well, that could fix everything.

I think we're done here.

Okay, everybody, listen up

'cause this will totally be on the test.

Huck Finn and Jim travelled
the mighty Mississippi.

Sort of like the first
black/white buddy movie,

like, um, "Stir Crazy"

or "Trading Places", something like that.

Uh-oh.

Uh, excuse me.

There will be no note passing
in Miss Wendy's classroom.

I was just...

Uh, you were just about to
read it to the entire class.

No, Miss Wendy, no need
to embarrass anyone.

Oh, I get to embarrass somebody.

It's one of the perks of the job, read!

"To my beautiful plump papaya.

"I spend all class staring at you.

"I just wanna kiss your
juicy lips and rub your feet.

Love, Manolo."

Oh, ew, do you have a crush on me?

Uh...

Yes, un, yes, yes, he does.
He's got a crush on you.

Look, everybody,
Manolo wrote a love letter

to the pregnant lady.

[laughing]

What is wrong with you?

Can't you see she's with child?

Gross, the baby is throwing up inside me.

- [school bell rings]
- Uh, dismissed.

Especially the bald, perv guy.

I'm gonna grab a smoke.

But after that, I'm
totally up for making out.

[knocking on door]

Ay, wey! Look who it is, Platanito.

Hola, George, todo tiempo.

Platanito says, "Hello,
George, it's been a while."

- Yeah, too long.
- [chuckling]

[speaking Spanish]

Platanito says, "Suddenly
you wanna be on my show?

I've been trying to get you on forever."

Yes, I know Spanish. I
don't need a translator.

[speaking Spanish]

He says, "You don't remember
how to speak Spanish anymore.

You sold out to the Anglos."

Wow, you really gonna make
me beg, huh, Platanito?

Absolutely.

sh*t.

Jorge say "caca."

Ew.

Okay. You wanna do it?

Let's do it. But we don't need him.

Okay, look, I'm here...

Shh-shh-shh-shh. In Spanish, por favor.

I mean, this is the
problem with Latinos, okay?

You think because I don't
speak Spanish as well as you do,

that we're less Latino, okay?

I come in peace, Platanito.
I come to bury the hatchet.

_

_

That's Photoshopped. I'm
wearing a bathing suit.

And he's got a jacket
with fur on the collar.

If you didn't want white success,

you wouldn't have asked to be on my show.

And you say no!

Because you didn't wanna
take your makeup off.

You were playing a lawyer.
That would look strange!

To your audience!

Okay, Platanito, listen.

We both did what we had to
do to make it to the top.

We're professionals.

_

_

[giggling]

_

I never said that.

I never said that, okay?

If you respect my comedy, tell me.

I do, I do.

Say it.

- I respect your comedy.
- Yes!

[giggling]

All right, now, can I do your show?

[laughing]

I'm gonna take that as a yes.

Man, that was a close call.

Manolo, we can't be seen together.

Okay, got it.

You wanna come over to George's house

and watch the shopping channel with me?

No, I don't think that'd be a good idea.

Why, you have papers to grade?

Listen, we almost got exposed.

If it wasn't for my acting
skills, I'd be toast right now.

So, we can't be
together? You'll be fired?

Well, I work for the
Unified School District.

I can't be fired. I mean, seriously.

Teachers have dealt
dr*gs, sold stolen goods,

exposed themselves to students
and they never got fired.

So, our love is worse than all that?

No.

I can't be fired, but
I could be reassigned.

And I can't go back to
teaching sixth grade.

I just can't do it. Those
students are monsters.

And those girls are evil.

They'll come up and make fun
of you right in your face.

And they'll just haul off and hit you.

I'm sorry, baby.

It's over.

[car starts]

Wow.

Jack Nicholson, Al Pacino...

That guy from that band.

Sofia Vergara.

Other lady, beautiful ladies.

Who's that guy with the
big hat and the moustache?

Oh, yeah.

That was the president of Mexico.

Wow, dang.

So, this Platanito guy
really has juice, huh?

- Yeah, that's why we're here, Olly.
- Huh.

I feel like I should've known.

One of the most popular talk shows

in the most important
emerging markets is a clown.

Right.

A clown.

Yeah.

Ah, it's crazy.

They always put out
food but I can never eat.

Free food is wasted on famous people.

Ahh... I'm nervous.

Don't be nervous.

Ay, wey.

The beast brought a beauty.

Oh, me? No, no, no, I'm just his...

I don't... I'm not a beauty.

Do not apologize. I have
that effect on women.

[laughing]

[giggling and farting]

- Oh, okay.
- [beeping]

Okay, okay, Platanito,
we get it; you're a clown.

Listen, I brought some good stories

that show my pride in
the Latino community.

_

_

[laughing]

_

_

_

_

What, what is, what is he saying?

He wants me to guest host the show.

_

Okay, I get it, I get it.

He wants me to do it in Spanish.

No.

[laughing]

My suits will fit you, they're baggy.

- Ladies and gentlemen!
- [theme music playing]

Welcome to the Platanito show!

[cheering and applause]

Standing in for Platanito,

it's Mr. George Lopez!

[laughing]

All right!

[music ends]

[laughing]

Hey, Platanito could
not make it here tonight.

So, you're stuck with me.

[laughing]

Was that my manager? Ay.

So, I rolled over in bed this morning,

and I told Donald Tr*mp,

you gotta quit hogging the sheets!

[laughing]

You know, Donald Tr*mp?

Ay, wey.

Oh, my God, this is hard.

[laughing]

Oh!

Excuse me, I think...

the menudo's backing up on me.

- [horn honks]
- [laughter]

[horn honking]

[laughter]

Speaking of Tr*mp, he's
a real son of a [honk].

- [laughter]
- He can kiss my [honks].

When he said he was
gonna drain the swamp,

I didn't know he was gonna take a [honk]

all over the United States.

[honking]

[laughter and applause]

I didn't realize the
censor spoke English!

- [laughter]
- [honking]

Oh, I scared myself, hey!

All these pictures of me and Donald Tr*mp

vacationing together... [laughing]

I might be a clown, ay, wey...

But I'm not that big of a clown.

And you know I've been
getting a lot of heat

because I defended the first amendment.

- Freedom of Speech!
- [honking]

How many of you like freedom of speech?

[cheering and applause]

So, if you like freedom of speech...

[honking]

Listo!

Get ready!

Donald Tr*mp is a Mexican, that's right.

He's got kids from three different women

and he doesn't pay taxes!

[cheering and applause]

♪♪

- [chuckling]
- That was great.

Odd, disconcerting, but great.

And it's already trending
across Latin platforms.

- Really, oh, that's perfect.
- Yeah.

In fact, Platanito's
producers approached me

about the possibility
of you replacing him.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

And makeup and all?

Ah, I'm not sure I wanna do that.

Oh, I am sure I don't
want you to do that.

But this is really great for "Valleys."

_

Platanito, I'm not
trying to take your show.

_

Do I even want a translation?

Just be glad you took
French in high school.

Sorry.

[speaking Spanish]

Kiss my kiwis!

How do you know I took French?

- Now, come on, seriously...
- Come on!

[laughing]

Oh, man, did you see it?

The clown act?

Unfortunately, yes.

Can you unsee it?

No, George, you can't unsee things.

But, more importantly,
I saw grill sales go up,

and I like that a lot.

[chuckling]

We're all alone.

Wait a minute, all
the customers are gone.

As are all the employees.

I sent everyone home.

It's one of the, uh, perks of ownership.

- It's nice.
- Yeah.