01x05 - Takin' It to the Streets

[bunniefuu]

♪

- (Screams)
- (Yells)

Geez!

What the hell are you doing?

Let me see, I was having a dream
about sharing a hammock with Beyoncé,

then I got a face full of old man ass.

- (Laughter)
- No.

No, I mean, what are you doing
here instead of your apartment?

Did your roommate get lucky?

Nope.

(Laughter)

The slump continues.

We had no heat last
night; the landlord says

they're "waiting for parts,"
but we know that's BS.

Yeah, they're trying to make us leave

so they can convert those
apartments into luxury condos.

Yeah. They haven't picked
up the garbage in two weeks.

The cockroaches and the
rats couldn't be happier.

It's vermin utopia.

Worst Pixar movie ever.

Maybe you better think about moving.

To where? With all the rich people

moving to uptown, there
ain't nothing we can afford.

I'll tell you what, uh, Franco,
you can have my guest bed,

and, Sweatpants, you can sleep
on the couch where Joanie d*ed.

So it's broken in.

We got to get ready
for work. And thank you.

But we're not moving out.
We got a year and a half left

on our lease, and you know me,
I ain't leaving without a fight.

You're gonna freeze to death.

We'll just buy a space heater.

Or maybe cuddle for warmth.

(Laughter)

That is not happening, Sweatpants.

Hate to break it to
you, but since you keep

falling asleep first,
you don't get a vote.

♪

Hey, what's all that?

I'm applying to become a sergeant.

I really need the extra money.

My daughter got into Northwestern.

Northwestern? Congratulations.

Eh.

Now I can pay a hundred grand

to have her take mushrooms and
sleep around with a lot of guys.

Which she could do at home for free.

(Laughter)

- Oh, crap!
- What?

It says I need a recommendation
from a current or former partner.

So? There are a lot of people
you could ask. Seamus McGee.

Liam O'Reilly. Paddy McGillicuddy.

Why do all Irish cops
sound like sports bars?

Yeah, but none of those
guys really liked me.

They all thought I was too mean.

Especially the fat ones.

What are you gonna do?

Well, if I want a good recommendation,

I'm just gonna have to
start being nicer to James.

(Chuckles): Oh-ho.

What? I can do it.

Arthur, I dropped my
glasses in the urinal again.

God help me.

Then I hit my head when I bent
down to pick them up, and the...

You know what? I forgot to pee.

(Laughter)

MAYA: Oh, look.

(Singsongy): Somebody
hearts his grandma.

They've been renovating the laundry
room in our building for a month,

so now we're down to our
back-of-the-closet clothes.

And you're damn right
I heart my grandma.

Actually, I'm kind of
loving these dress pants.

They make me feel dignified.

Like the king of
England. Or Steve Harvey.

FRANCO: (Sighs) The landlord's
trying to push us out

so he can turn the
building into fancy condos.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Greedy developers only
ever care about profits,

never about people.

Is there anything
that doesn't upset you?

You're rich, you're white, you're young.

You won, baby. Take a lap.

(Laughter)

Just got to find out
who owns the building.

Some new corporation bought it,

and I can't get them
to answer the phone.

Well, what's the company called?

Coffee, please.

Chicago Property Holdings.

Well, I'm off.

They own several businesses,
including a dry cleaners,

and the owner's name is Fawz
Hamadani Farooq Al-Shahrani.

What? That's a very common name.

In Iraq, it's like Bob.

S-So you're the one
trying to push me out?

Fawz, you can't do that to Franco.

Yeah. You can't put
him out on the streets.

Look at those dimples.

He'll never survive.

Well, in my defense, I
didn't know he lived there.

All right, great. So
now you can back off.

I can, but I won't.

In three months, I'm gonna
turn that pile of crap

into high-end luxury lofts.

And what about the tenants
who can't pay triple the rent?

I've already thought of
that... They will be replaced

by tenants who can
pay triple the rent.

FRANCO: Well, you know something?

I'm not moving to some
dangerous-ass neighborhood

and taking three busses to work.

Busses are fun.

♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round. ♪

♪ And the b*ll*ts near the
bus go zing, zing, zing. ♪

What I'm doing is perfectly
legal. It's just business.

That doesn't mean it's right!

Hey, there's no fighting in my shop!

Superior Donuts is a place

that people come to
have fun, and eat a donut

and talk about the cops,
or how Walter Payton

was the NFL rushing leader in .

I believe it was Marcus Allen.

What, are you crazy? Walter Payton!

No, it wasn't. I'll look it up.

No one's looking it up!

Now, you see? That's fun.

Fine.

But this ain't over.

And I ain't taking this lying down.

That's right! When Franco takes it,

he takes it standing up.

(Laughter)

Not helping, man.

Well, however you like to take it...

there's nothing you can do.

Oh, yeah? Well, you know what,
what if I organized a protest?

Me and the other tenants
can make a little noise,

let the world know what you're doing.

A protest? Hey, let's
not get carried away.

Yeah, I can picket right in front of

your dry cleaners, right next door.

(Gasps) But that is my
most profitable business.

(Mock gasp) I know.

(Laughter)

Franco, let me help.

I'm part of a campus group
that protests every weekend.

How do you want to do this?

Should we nude it up and
chain ourselves to a fence?

N-Nah. I was thinking
just a march with signs.

Nude march with signs?

Just-just think about it.

If you want some picketing tips,

we had some pretty tough strikes

down at the factory.

Make sure you've got
plenty of petroleum jelly.

What for?

To coat your body.

That way, if the cops grab
you, you just squirt right out.

(Whistles)

No! Nobody is nude-ing
or coating or squirting.

I'm gonna settle this thing right now.

Now, both of you, sit down. Sit down.

FRANCO: All right.

Now, both of you got to
just state your demands,

then we'll work it out, all right?

Franco, you go first.

Fine. I want to live

in an apartment building that has heat,

a working elevator, a-and a guarantee

that my rent won't double
once my lease is up.

Fawz, your response?

Uh...

- no!
- (Arthur groans)

Time to picket!

All right, look, just make
sure that you keep it civil.

This is a protest, not a riot.

A riot? Ooh!

I'm gonna get to wear my riot gear.

I'm gonna go home and polish my helmet.

Oh, my God, James.

Northwestern, not cheap.

That is a great idea.

You are gonna look so cool.

All right!

(Laughter)

Yeah, you better watch out, Fawz.

(Singsongy): ♪ We gonna kick your ass. ♪

- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

Do you heart your
grandma with that mouth?

Yeah, he does! He loves
his grandma with that mouth

all night long!

You got to stop backing me up, man.

♪

- FRANCO: What do we want?!
- PROTESTERS: Affordable housing!

- FRANCO: When do we want it?!
- Now!

- What do we want?!
- Affordable housing!

- When do we want it?!
- Now!

- Isn't he inspiring?
- (Protesters chanting)

Yeah. And you never said he was so cute.

Back off, Amanda!

Can I have a try?

Yeah.

Hey, girl! Hey, shorty in the red.

You got a boyfriend?

You want one?

Sorry, ma'am! Keep walking!

Sweatpants can't love a woman
until he learns to love himself!

Come on, Arthur. Join us,
dude. We got plenty of signs.

I told you, kid, I
don't like these things.

I'm not getting involved.

Oh.

What, you on Fawz's side now?

I don't pick sides. I'm neutral.

Oh, so you're like Switzerland,

with your cheese and your wooden shoes

and your leaning towers and I
should've researched this first,

but you could be more supportive!

I don't know, Arthur. Sometimes I think

it's worth protesting
for what you believe in.

I remember once
canvassing neighborhoods,

manning the phones.

Did it work?

Well, the McRib came back,

- so you tell me.
- Oh.

They're just wasting their time.

If people had a problem
with a ruthless businessman,

we'd have a different
president right now.

Fawz, I'm gonna miss you
when America's great again.

(Laughter)

Ma'am, do you really want
to give your money to a man

who's displacing longtime
residents of this neighborhood?

- All right! Yeah!
- (Cheering)

That's right!

Oh, no! Don't chase her away!

She's my best customer...
Sloppy eater, very sweaty.

- FRANCO: What do we want?!
- PROTESTERS: Affordable housing!

Yeah, yeah, I know what you want.

Susan, come back!

(Protesters continue chanting)

I feel I may be overdressed.

No.

Better safe than sorry.

Besides, you look great.

Really?

'Cause I feel like a superhero.

(Chuckles): Oh, yeah.

You totally look like a superhero.

(Chuckles)

Whose superpower is never getting laid.

- What was that?
- I said you look like Iron Man!

I'm here with protest
leader Franco Wicks.

Tell us what's going on.

We're fighting the forces of
greed that are trying to push

people out who have lived
here their whole lives.

Namely this man, Fawz Al-Shahrani!

(Protesters booing)

Mr. Al-Shahrani, care to
comment on these accusations?

Uh, of course Mr. Wicks
is entitled to his opinion,

and of course there's no
such thing as bad press.

And for a good press, come
to America Dry Cleaning,

where all shirts are
two-for-one on Thursdays.

This does not include blouses.

So you're just going
to ignore the protesters

until they go away?

No. That is not gonna happen.

I don't care how long it takes!

We're not gonna fold!

(Protesters cheering)

You don't have to fold.
At America Dry Cleaning,

we do it for you, free of charge.

Do you worry that this
is going to escalate

into some kind of altercation?

Uh, I don't know about altercation,

but I do know about alterations.

Ten percent off with every order.

Listen here, Fawz, people
came here for the truth.

And the truth is you're putting
poor people out on the streets.

Uh...

I got nothing. Back to you, Paul!

♪

FRANCO: Good morning!

Do you recognize this
dude from the news?

- What do we want?
- Franco...

- When do we want him?
- Franco...

No, you're supposed to
say "now," but it's okay.

I'll try it again. What do we want?

- Franco!
- What?

I need you to see something.

Okay.

Man, yesterday felt so good, you know?

Like if you stand up for something,

you can actually make
the world a better place.

What?

(Sad music)

_

So you arrived at : this morning.

Did you see anyone suspicious?

No. Oh, my God.

You know, Fawz can be a jerk sometimes,

but nobody deserves that.

"Arab Go Home"? (Grunts)

Randy, I don't want to
tell you how to do your job,

but I think this one might
be racially motivated.

(Laughter)

Man, this is all my fault.

What are you talking about?

You don't think one of the
protesters did this, do you?

No, but... I put all that heat on Fawz,

and that obviously
stirred up some nutjob,

who saw it on the news,
that I brought here.

So, Randy, you think you
can find out who did it?

James is checking the
neighborhood to see

if anyone saw anything
on their security cams.

How's it going with you and James?

He's a dork, and he couldn't
find his way to a vag*na

if he was the foreman
in a vag*na factory.

(Laughter)

Thanks for asking.

Hey, I have an idea.

Let's show Fawz
that the neighborhood is behind him.

We could hold a unity
rally outside of his shop.

No. I mean, I hate what
happened to Fawz, but...

my protesting days are over.

Uh-uh. Kid. No, kid.

Don't put this on yourself.

There's no way you could've known
that this was gonna happen.

Except that you tried to warn me.

You said this would end badly,
remember? And you were right.

Poor Franco.

So, this vag*na factory...

(Laughter)

... do you know if they're hiring?

I'm, uh...

I'm willing to take an
entry-level position.

I got to do something about this.

Well, I didn't find anything
on the security camera.

But I did see myself
on the news last night.

Why didn't you tell me
I looked like an idiot?

What? I thought you looked dashing.

Oh, cut the crap, okay?

I looked like a cross between a
Power Ranger and a Ninja Turtle.

Those are two of your favorite toys.

They're not toys if
they stay in the box!

Okay, look, I'm applying
to be a sergeant,

and I need you to give
me a good recommendation.

So I was trying not
to say anything mean.

What kind of recommendation
did you think I would give you?

Well, I've been known
to give you a hard time.

I could start with your brutal honesty.

But I could also tell them
that you're a great cop

and an even better person.

I think you'd make an amazing sergeant.

Thank you.

They need the recommendation
by next Friday.

Oh. So you have to be nice
to me until next Friday.

Uh-huh.

So do you want to hear
the Batman origin story

or the Spider-Man origin story?

I'm just kidding. You're
gonna hear them both.

So...

What?

I just want to show you a few
things from my protesting days.

Oh, yeah? Mr. I'm Not Getting
Involved was a protester?

Yeah, actually. Yes.

Here. My old jacket.

You know, back in the day, this
was considered out of sight.

Oh.

Well, it's nice to see you didn't
always dress like a lesbian.

- Just tell your story.
- All right, all right. It was .

Lot of us were inspired

by a man by the name of
Martin Luther King Jr.

I'm familiar.

(Sighs) My friends and I

went on a few local
civil rights marches.

Well, one day, we heard that there was

gonna be this big protest
over in Grant Park.

- Yeah.
- Now, my dad tried to stop me,

but I said, "Out of my way, old man!"

"I'm gonna change this world."

Wow. You were really into it, huh?

(Chuckles): Yeah.

I was also into this girl
that was gonna be there.

They were not so big
on bras in those days.

- It was the era of free love.
- Yeah.

And that was right in my price range.

You know, I was all excited.

I was walking to find my
friends, and I passed by

this electronic store
with TVs in the window.

- Okay.
- And that's when I saw it.

Police dogs, fire hoses,

people getting tear-gassed.

And I, uh...

Well, I watched for
a minute, and then I...

went home.

- Why didn't you tell me this before?
- I was embarrassed.

All of my friends,

they were standing
up for what they believed in, and I

chicken out.

Anyway, that was sort of, uh,
the end of my getting involved.

But, you know, the past couple of days,

you inspired me.

Ah, I mean, that's great and all, but...

dude, after seeing
what happened to Fawz...

I'm done protesting, man.

It's not worth it.

No, no, no, it is, it is.

Don't do what I did. Don't run away.

Franco, you're a fighter.

You got to fight.

What's the point, Arthur?

People are just gonna
twist your message around.

My fighting days are over.

Yeah, well, mine aren't.

Where's he going with that spray paint?

I don't know.

Don't huff it, Arthur!

It's a gateway drug!

(Laughter)

Arthur, what's all this?

I just want to make
sure that people know

- that the jackass who tagged Fawz's store
_

doesn't speak for all of us.

"Arabs welcome."

Wow.

And blacks aren't?

No, I didn't mean that. I only...

I'm just playing. I'm just playing, man.

This is beautiful.

You're pretty inspiring, yourself.

But you're not worried

some lunatic might see this

and throw a brick through your window?

Hey, listen, if I get hurt doing
the thing that I believe in,

I can live with that.

Oh, no, they got you, too?

What kind of person hates
Arabs and Jews?

Pick a side!

Fawz.

Look at the window.

Arthur, you did this?

Yes.

Well, I'm very touched.

Well...

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Now I'm gonna get that
graffiti off your window.

Fawz...

I'm so sorry, man.

I feel like all this was my fault.

(Sighs)

It's not your fault.

There's a lot of crazies out there.

- Yeah.
- I just wish

they would stop hating me
for the color of my skin

and instead hate me for
the content of my character.

(Laughter)

That was Dr. King's dream, right?

It's close enough.

But I feel you, man.

Try being a black dude in Chicago

and having to deal with
stop-and-frisk every ten feet.

(Chuckles)

Try going through airport security

as Fawz Hamadani Farooq Al-Shahrani.

All four of my names
are on the watch list.

Yeah.

(Laughs): That's messed up.

- Yeah, we can agree on that.
- Yeah.

So, uh, I assume with
all this happening,

your tenant protest is over?

Depends.

You gonna stop trying to force us out?

Well, I'm not doing anything illegal.

It's my right to do
business the way I see fit.

All right, then.

Good luck.

You gonna need it.

Not as much as you.

Look at us.

An Arab shaking hands with a black man

while a Jew removes r*cist graffiti.

(Chuckles)

God bless America, man!

- (Laughs)
- Amen.

♪

Got supplies for the
unity rally. Isn't it nice

when something good
can come of a bad thing?

Yeah, like my divorce.

My ex went on to marry a
dentist, have three kids

and a big house on the North Shore.

I live in a studio apartment

with a twin waterbed and a parrot.

I think we know who won.

Hey, look what I found!

I can still use this
sign from my ' protest.

- Huh? Isn't that great?
_

Yeah. And years later,
we still have racism, so...

Yay!

Hello, everyone.

Franco,

I might be feeling emotional
because of this unity rally,

but I've decided to
let you and Pantsuit...

It's Sweatpants.

Sure, because that is less ridiculous.

Anyway, I will make it so you
and all the other poor people

can stay in the building.

Yeah?

Dude. (Chuckles) Thanks, man.

That's dope, man. I appreciate that.

See that, Franco, huh?

It's worth fighting for what matters.

I saw the light. (Chuckles)

Well, you saw the light and
that tax loophole I showed you

where keeping your low-income tenants

gets you big subsidies from the city.

(Laughter)

- Really, Fawz?
- What?

Everybody wins. (Chuckles)

America!

Hot dogs!

Apple pie!... Go Cubs?

(All cheering)