05x01 - Veggie Curry

[bunniefuu]

Eric, that's your phone.

Eric, phone.

Who is it?

It's Colin.
- Oh, right. And what's he saying?

Him and Cath are ordering a takeaway.
Asking if we wanted anything.

What are you saying?

I'm just telling him
you're already making dinner.

All right.

You didn't tell him
what I was making, did you?

Eric.

I might have.

And what did he say?

If you're doing a curry,
they'll no' bother phoning one.

What is it now?

Eric.

Cathy says you've not to do
the rice in the microwave.

Hi.
- Hi, boys.

What's happened to you?
- I'm fine, I'm fine.

It looks worse than is.
- Dear me.

Oh, somebody's been getting
new cargo pants, I see.

Oh, aye.
Aye. Come in, boys, come in.

Hi, boys.

Oh, my God.

Oh, honestly, it's OK.

What on earth happened?

I just got into an argument.

Who with?
- Look, it doesn't matter.

I'm completely fine.
It's really not that serious.

Thanks for having us over.

Aye, aye, no problem.

I brought some supplies.

You can't have a curry
without a bloody big beer

or a glass of lager, can you?

It smells good, Mum.
- Well, I hope it's all right.

I've never done a veggie curry before.

I'm sure it'll be lovely.
- I'll stick these in the fridge.

You boys want a beer?
- Aye, go on.

Yes, please.
But can I get a non-alcoholic one, please?

Oh, I...
I don't know if I've got...

The blue ones in the bag are
my non-alcoholic ones.

You're driving, are you?

I am, but I actually drink
them most of the time now.

I said to Ian that he should switch to
them so he doesn't end up a big beer belly.

So, how are you?
- Eh, I'm fine.

Have you seen a doctor about this?
- Yeah, yeah, it's fine.

Don't stress.
It's nothing.

That'll be Colin and Cathy.

What?
- Blame your dad?

Are you solid?
- Pardon?

Cos, let me tell you, without
going into too much detail,

it has been absolutely sh**ting out of me.

Oh, dear God.

There you go.
Cheers, boys.

Cheers.

Mm, that's lovely.
- Tey're very popular, those, aren't they?

Is that low alcohol or no alcohol?

No alcohol at all.

Do you want to try it?
- No.

And I've gone back and checked
everything I've eaten,

and the one thing that I keep coming back to

is that sandwich you made me the other day.

What?
- The ham and the tiger loaf.

Christine...
- What was the date on that ham?

The ham is fine.

And your boards are clean?

Yes.

And your cloths are being washed regularly?

Yes.
- And you're feeling all right?

Well, I was up until now.

Well, that is a mystery.

Because this is the furthest I have been

from my toilet pan in hours.

Well, are you feeling all right?
Do you want to come in?

Mm, I don't know.

Is Eric in?
- Yes.

Oh, well, he'll want to know all about this.

Hello, Eric.

Hi, Christine, how are you?
- Wait a minute.

I need to use your loo.
- Are you all right?

She's got a bit of an upset stomach.

I'm glad she's coming here to have it.

Is it vomiting or diarrhoea, Mrs Baird?

The latter, I think, Gordon.

False alarm, Beth.
We're OK.

I did break wind in your hallway, though.
Apologies.

Oh, here.
Here, what happened to you?

He was in a fight.

A fight?
You said it was an argument.

It just got a little bit out of hand.
It was nothing.

That's looks a bad one, Ian.
That might scar.

Do you think?

It's a no go with the customer
service roles for you, Ian.

I don't want a customer service role.

Unless it was Costa.

You could do the machine wi'
your back turned, you know.

Right.

Here, I've got a scar on my back, Gordon.

You ever seen it?
- No.

Oh, wait till you see this.

Look at that, eh?

That's from when I got hit by
that trolley in the car park

at Morrisons.
Do you remember that, Beth?

I do, Christine.

Do you see it, Gordon?

No.
- Oh, wait a minute,

till I get these rolled down a wee bit.

There we are.
It's quite a deep pant I've on today, Gordon.

Christ, the amount of times these
have been up and down today, Eric.

Can you see it, Gordon?

Oh, yeah.

Can you see it, Eric?
- I should go and check the curry.

Oh, yous are having a curry, are you?

Yes.

Where'd you get it?

Nowhere.
I cooked it.

You did?

Yes.
- In that kitchen?

Yes.
Ian and Gordon are over for dinner.

And what are they getting for their
pudding, two Imodium and a cork?

Christine thinks it might be
something she ate in here

that's made her ill.
- What's this?

Christine thinks it might be the ham
sandwich I made her the other day

that's upset her stomach.

Well, I've been absolutely fine.

Aye, but did you have the ham?

Yes. I saw him eating it straight from
the packet yesterday when I was here.

Aye, you see, but he'll have built
up a tolerance to her germs, Gordon.

Excuse me?

It's like dogs.
They can lick their own dirt,

and then they're neither up, nor down.

They eat their own sick, too.
Can you imagine that?

Do you mind?
We're just about to have our dinner here.

Now, can I make you a drink, Christine?

Mm, I don't know...

Peppermint tea's very good
for an upset stomach.

Aye, for giving you one.

Well, what about if I make you
a normal tea, just a bit weak?

Mm, aye...
All right, all right.

Right.

An ordinary tea wi' a wee dash of
milk and fresh water in the kettle

and a mug straight fae the dishwasher.

OK.

Ah, f*ck it.
I'm going in.

Christine, what are you doing?

Your sink hole wouldnae
say no to a bit of bleach.

Oh, for goodness' sake.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

When was the last time that saw
the inside of a washing machine?

Eh?
- Do you mind?

There it is.

Here we go.

The epicentre.

Now...

Oh, wait a minute.

What's in this dish here?

It's the lasagne we had the other night.

That's going out.

Christine.
- What else have we got?

What's the date on this?

Whole baby beetroots?
They'll have had babies of their own by now.

Right, this is ridiculous.

There is nothing wrong with my
kitchen, or my fridge, or anything else.

Now, do you want that cup of tea or not?

Fair enough, Beth.
I'll take a tea.

Right.

Christine, go and sit down.

Eric, get that, would you?

Hey.
Here he is, the curry king.

Hi, Cath.
Hi, Colin.

Oh, I can smell it already, Col.
- That's good, isn't it?

Makes a change from the sort of smell
of washing that's normally here.

Oh, I hate that.

It's even worse if she's got
stuff over the radiators.

All her tights and stuff.

Anyway, nice to see you, squire.
Glad we could make it.

Me too.

Hey, there's Ian and Gordon.

Oh, hi, Gordon.

There's Christine.

Here, what's happened to you?

Oh, nothing.

You look like you've been beaten up.

I've been through the wars myself, Cath...

Was it a h*m* att*ck, Ian?

See, this is the trouble
wi' these tight jeans.

Were you trying to fire into a straight guy?

No, I was not.

Hi, Cath.
- So, what happened, then?

Look, it was nothing.

Obviously, it wasn't nothing,
if you managed to get a black eye.

Oh, geez oh.
Right.

So, we'd been in town having dinner,

and we went along to the station
to get a cab home.

There was these three blokes in
the queue, and

they were saying some stuff
to the girls in front of them.

What were they saying?
- Just stuff that was a bit out of order.

Anyway, so the next thing, I said
to them to leave them alone,

and then they sort of turned on me,

and then it was pushing and shoving,

and then one of them just punched me.

Oh, Ian.
- I know.

Did you hit him back?
- Well, yeah.

He was quite violent as a child, Colin.

So, what happened then?

Then it just got out of hand.

His mates all piled in, and then
we all ended up on the ground.

But, thankfully, two guys came out
of the chip shop and broke it up.

Oh, that was good of them.

They probably lost their place in the queue.

Oh, you poor thing.

Come here.

Well, at least it got stopped when it did.

It could have been a hell of a lot worse.

And what exactly were they
saying to the lassies?

Let's not get into all that.

"Show us your tits."

Was it, "Show me your tits."

Does it matter?

No, I think it was "us".
"Show us your tits."

He definitely wanted to see them.

They were arseholes,
let's just leave it there.

And how did the girls react?

Well, they were just ignoring them, really.
- Right.

Until one of the other guys
started saying other stuff.

What other stuff?

"Suck my cock."
- Right.

And, "Sit on my face."

"Shows us your tits.
Suck my cock," and, "Sit on my face."

I think we get the picture, Gordon.

And someone screamed, "Whore master."

But it was really difficult at that
point to tell who that was aimed at.

I mean, there was a lot going on.

And did you get hit, as well?

Well, no, not really.

It was all over quite quickly,
to be honest with you.

Yeah, it happened so fast.
I wasn't sure what to do.

Never been in a fight before.

Have you not?

No.

Has nobody ever just punched you?

No.
And I've never hit anyone.

What, never?

Nope.
Never in my whole life.

Well, the main thing is you're all right.

I'm fine.

The thing that pissed me off
the most was that it spoiled

our night out.
- Oh, it's such a shame.

We'd just been out for a meal
for our anniversary.

Oh, had yous?

Yeah, we've been together
for two years now.

Does it seems longer, Ian?

Congratulations, boys.

That is a real achievement.

Especially with the amount of casual sex
that's available within the gay community.

Remember folk used to meet up
in the park at night, Beth, eh?

Do they still do that?

No, it's all online now, Christine.

Oh, really?

Well, maybe they'll cut back those
big rhododendrons now, Beth.

So is this what this curry's
in aid of, then, is it?

Is it a wee anniversary celebration?

It is, Colin, yes.
- Aye, that's brilliant.

So, what are you doing for them?
Is it chicken, or lamb, or...

Cauliflower and chickpea?

Say again, Beth?

Cauliflower and chickpea.

No meat?
- No. It's a vegetable curry.

Why?
- Because Gordon's a vegetarian.

But Colin likes lamb.

Lamb curry, do you not fancy that?

He doesn't eat lamb.

Has he ever tried it?

Well, no, he's a vegetarian.

Can you no' make him his in a
separate thing, and do us a proper one?

They were invited.
Beth cooked it especially for them.

We've managed two years
without bumming anyone else.

Let's celebrate with a vegetarian curry.

Nobody in nothing with their bums if
they eat anything that she's made.

Thank you, Christine.

How come you're on the beers?

No' got a bottle of bubbly
or something to open, Eric?

Well, we've got a bit wine in the fridge.

It's fine, we're not bothered.

Colin, away and get a bottle of
champagne and bring it through.

Aye, all right.

Oh, and get a couple of the chicken
breasts out of the freezer, as well.

No.

Beth, where'd you put your stuff
for the blue bin?

Only me.

Hey. Yay. Woohoo.
- There he is.

Eric, Eric, go and get some glasses.

Eh, clean ones, Eric.

Listen, you didn't need to bother, Col.
It's very kind of you.

No, it's all right, Ian.
We got it as a present, anyway.

I've got a wee present for you, as well.

Well, it's for Gordon, actually.

Oh, excited.

What is it?
- It's one of Cathy's personal safety alarms.

What?

Well, it's just in case, you know,
something happens in the future.

Gordon's obviously no' much of fighter.

But next time there's a bit
of bother, you've got this handy.

Right.
Well, thanks very much.

A silly wee bleeper's no's going
to do him much good, is it?

Well, you know, actually,
it's quite a powerful wee thing.

Look.

Oh, switch that off.

What's that noise?

Colin.
Put it off.

I'm trying.

Throw it out the window.

Oh, for God's sake.
Colin.

Colin.

Oh, geez oh.

What on earth is that thing?

It's Cathy's personal safety alarm.

What a bloody racket.

We're giving it to Gordon
because he's a wuss.

Hey.
- Here, Gordon.

Stick that on your key ring.

Are you sure you don't need it?

No, Gordon, honey.
You take it.

Honestly, men are more frightened
of me than I am of them.

Watch that disnae go off
in your pocket, Gordon.

That'll blow your f*cking nuts off.

Well, thanks very much.

I'll just pop it there.

Right, who's for a glass of champagne?

Come on, Colin.
Get it open.

Nice glass of bubbly, celebrate Beth's curry.

It's their anniversary.

Celebrate their anniversary.

Christine, you taking a glass?

Oh, I don't know whether I should risk it.
- No, Christine, you stick to your tea.

Cups of tea, trips to the toilet.
That's a good night for you.

That is the kind of noise I like.

Here, is that any use to you, Christine?

Mum, come get a glass of champagne.

Eric, glass of bubbly, squire.

Oh, why not?

There you go.

Right, Ian?
- Thanks very much, Colin.

Very kind of you.

Oh, here she is, the queen of the curries.

Glass of champagne, Your Highness?

Oh, go on.
- Thank you, Colin.

Right, and Gordon.

I won't, actually.
Thanks, Colin.

I'm not drinking.

Well, what's that?

It's non-alcoholic.

What?
- It's non-alcoholic beer.

What is the f*cking point in that?

Well, you can have a drink
without getting drunk.

Look, if he doesn't want to drink,
he doesn't have to.

OK, OK.

Right, well, cheers, folks.

Here's to

Ian and Gordon.

Ian and Gordon.

Ian and boring bastard.

To us.

So, two years, eh, boys?
Eh?

Yeah. It's just flown by, hasn't it?
- Yeah, it has.

Mm, has it, really, Ian?

It's been lovely getting to know you, son.

And what would you say
has been the highlight

of your relationship so far?

Oh, God.

Let me think...

There's been loads, hasn't there?
- Yeah, there has.

Well, if you had to pick one,
I mean, what would it be?

Well, we've been for some
lovely walks, haven't we?

Yeah, we have.

You can't b*at a big
woodland walk on a Sunday,

then home for a bath and a hot chocolate.

That's...
That's nice.

Well, here's to you, boys.

Cheers.
- Cheers.

Do these woodland walks take place
at night, by any chance, Gordon?

These chip shops are a hot spot for trouble.

Folk full of drink and driven out their
minds with the smell of the vinegar.

I mean, fair play to you, Ian,
for taking on the three of them.

Aye, and people make the mistake of
thinking that the gays are soft,

but they can be vicious wee bastards.

What were you doing, Gordon?

Were you just standing there, watching?

Well, I didn't know what to do.

Look, it all happened so quickly.

It was a blur, wasn't it?
- It was, yeah.

Aye, but when he was on the
ground and they were on him,

did you not think of stepping in?

Well...

I've never been in that situation before.

Aye, but your instinct kicks in, surely?

I didn't know what to do.

I was scared.

Too scared to defend your partner?

Well, if that had been Colin,
I would have jumped right in.

Aye, you say that now.
- Yes, I would, Ian.

I would have taken my shoe off
and used the heel.

Pulling hair's good, Cath.
- Oh yeah.

But if they're wearing extensions,
they just come away in your hands.

I don't think hair pulling would
have done much with these guys.

Well, at least it'd have been something, Ian.

Aye, you could have grabbed a clump of
it, and then dragged them to the ground.

And started kicking them in the balls.

Oh, kicking the balls, that's good, Cath.

Oh, that really hurts them.

You know, sometimes if he just crosses
his legs the wrong way, he's in agony.

Oh, stamping, as well, Cath.

Stamping on their hands.

Stamping on their hands with your heels on.

No, remember, you've taken them off, Cath.

Oh, yeah, so I have.

Or there's always the good old Glasgow kiss.

Yes.
- Oh, yes, indeed.

Just a simple headbutt.

I mean, we are renowned the world
over for doing that to people.

And they are very effective.

Just aim straight for the bridge of the nose,

and then you follow it up with
a good swift punch in the kidneys.

And then when they hit the floor,
you spit in their face

and finish them off.

God, Col.

I'm dying for a night out.

Listen, it was a nightmare.

Anything could have happened.

At the end of the day, it was better
only one of us getting dragged in.

Otherwise, it could have
ended up a whole lot worse.

OK, that's us ready.

Here we go.
Curry time.

Lucky I made a big pot.
- Oh, I'm ready for this. Eh, Gordon?

Oh, yes, smells delicious.

Aw, thanks a lot for doing this, Mum.
- Oh, it's no problem.

Right, who's having some?

Oh, yes, please.

Oh, I don't know.

My stomach's saying yes,
but my arse is screaming no.

Eh, well, just a wee bit?

Oh, I'm not sure if I should risk it.
Is it spicy?

No, it's quite mild.
- You're what?

It's quite mild, the curry.

You're joking?

It's got to have a bit of a kick to it, Beth.
- Curry is supposed to be spicy, Beth.

Gordon doesn't like anything too hot.

Is this because of you?

Well... Yeah, sorry.
I just can't take anything too spicy.

Oh, for f*ck's...
- So, we are having a mild vegetable curry?

Yes, Colin.

It's like a korma.
- Is that the one we get?

No, no, we get rogan josh.

Colin likes rogan josh, Eric.

Excuse me, I'll just nip to
the toilet and wash my hands.

I'd go upstairs, Gordon.

That wee one in the hall might
still be in shock.

Oh, napkins.

I'm no' trying to be funny, Ian,

but he must do your head in.

What?
- He must, Ian. Come on.

I mean, he disnae drink, disnae eat meat,

doesn't like anything spicy.

He's got absolutely no arse.

Oh, Cathy, for God's sake.

Yeah, all right, Eric.
Just cos yours is f*cking huge.

I never noticed that about Gordon.

Is he quite flat at the back, Cath?

There's absolutely no arse at all, Christine.

Just leave him alone.
He's my partner.

He might be your partner, but
he was quite happy to stand back

and watch you taking a hiding
in the middle of the street.

Oh, not this again.

You know, that's where people
show their true colours.

You were getting physically att*cked,

and he just stood back and watched.

Honestly, if I were you,

I'd get sh*t of him.

Pardon?
- I would.

I mean, the highlight of your relationship
has been going for walks.

Come on.

No offence, Ian, but take him to
the woods and f*cking leave him there.

I'm not listening to this.
This is outrageous.

That's enough, Cathy.
- That is enough.

They're here for a nice family dinner.

Look, we'll just go. This...
- No, no, no. You stay there.

Just drop it, right?

Ah, here he is.

What were you talking about?

Oh, nothing really...
- Just the curry...

Curry and...
- Aye, rice...

OK, who's for rice?

Yes, please.
- Oh, yes.

Thank you, Mum.
- Gordon?

Oh, wow, look at that.
Bloody love rice.

Have you naan breads, as well, Beth?

No, I'm afraid there's no naan bread.

You've what?

Oh...
- Oh, Beth, Beth, Beth.

Oh, you cannae have a curry
without naan breads.

Exactly.
- Well, I am very sorry.

We don't have any naan bread.

But what we do have is a huge pot
of home-made curry,

which I have made from scratch,

and you very happily invited
yourself in to eat some of.

Aye, but no naans, though.

I know.
Why don't we phone some in?

That's a brilliant idea.

Beth, Beth, phone for naan
breads to be delivered.

They won't deliver you just naan bread.

Why?
- There's a minimum charge for a home delivery.

Aye, that's right.

I've phoned for a tub of
grated cheese before,

and they more or less told me to piss off.

Well, why don't we

get some starters, then we can get
some naan breads along with them?

That is a great idea.
- Aye. Christine?

Aye, I'd take a pakora.

I thought your stomach was playing up?

Aye, but battered food always
settles me down.

Poppadoms, please.
- Oh, poppadoms, yes.

Poppadoms and spicy onions.

How many do you think?
Ten?

No, round it up to the dozen.

Right, dozen poppadoms.

What, three pakora do us?
I'm going to need a pad.

Put me down for a butter chicken.

That's a main course.

Technically.

Are you having a main course,
as well, Christine?

Well, in that case,
I will be having a wee lamb rogan josh.

Oh, and get some rice, Col.
Get proper rice.

I don't like the look of this stuff.

Mm, you're right to be wary, Cath.

Eric?

You fancy something?

Wouldn't mind a chicken tikka.

Oh, I'll have a bit of that.

Ian?

I'm good with what I've got, thanks, Cath.

Me too.
- Right, I'll phone it.

Do you know the Taj, Gordon?

That's the best.

Taj ma hole, Gordon.

OK.

Right, three pakora, dozen
poppadoms, one lamb rogan josh,

butter chicken, chicken tikka,
couple of proper rice,

and plenty of naans.

Hello. Yes, I'd like to make
an order for home delivery.

One hour, minutes.

What if we collected it?

Right.

Says he's fine with the collection,
but it should be ready in about half an hour.

But, listen, I've had a drink.

I cannae go and get it.

I'll go.
- No.

You've been drinking, too.
- No, it's all right, I've got mints in the car.

I'll go for it.
- Gordon, you don't need to do that.

Honestly, it's no problem.
- Would you, Gordon?

Oh, bless you, Gordon, honey.

Yeah, I don't mind.
- I've not been drinking, so I can drive.

Oh, you're some man.

Right, that's it.
We're on.

OK, so...

You all right?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

You sure you're OK going?

Oh, yeah, no problem.

Look...
Can I just say something?

I'm sorry I didn't help
you fight those guys.

Honestly, don't even worry about it.

No.
I'm your partner.

I should have stood up for you.

Oh, don't listen to them.
They're a nightmare.

I'm just glad you didn't get hurt.

And I'm glad we're together.

No matter what they say.

Eh?

Och, nothing.

Was this when I was in the toilet?

What did they say?

What did they say?

Well, they were basically saying

I should finish with you.

Who said that?

Who said that?

Colin.

Oh, you no' away yet?